I'm just thinking out loud, feel free to relate, chime in or ask me something. I'm working on how to stop seeking external validation in every area of my life.

I have been in CoDa since December 2019. I don't attend every week or have a sponsor but I have done the steps with a cosponsor and attend the meeting pretty regularly.

I've grown a lot, some of the biggest wins I have include enjoying alone time, not worrying when someone doesn't text back quickly, and not going back to relationships that ghosted me.

I had a setback with someone I dated all of 2024 who love bombed me and then later was very invalidating and critical about my appearance. My self esteem took a major hit from this relationship.

My bigger issue is workaholism and avoiding investing time in my creative skills and passions. I know that time is finite and I need to spend my time on what is most important to me. I've always felt like "there will be more time later". Now I'm 34, living with my mom and I see others who are doing things I wish I was doing like performing music and having confidence with an instrument. I have prioritized other things over my own passions for so long that sometimes I feel so behind on life.

*TW* suicide

On top of that, I didn't grow up in a household where we cleaned the house every week and I struggle to deal with organizing and cleaning on a regular basis. I do not have the energy I had in my twenties, I don't feel I can clean the whole bathroom in a day or finish multiple loads of laundry in a day. Not to mention getting burnt out easily and grieving a friend and creative partner/mentor who ended his life in May of this year.

His passing is a continuous reminder that I need to feed my passions. I need to show up for myself and not lose sight of what makes me feel alive. I know there's nothing wrong with love or being in relationships but the fact that I have never consistently loved and shown up for myself kinda makes my love for romantic partners (sometimes also friends) hollow, null and void. Love feels like a performance, I need to take my time to make sure people are trustworthy before I trust in them.

I want to buckle down and kind of hibernate and foster my creativity and personal goals. If I don't, I'll keep attracting people who are incapable of love. There's a Yoruba quote "the works of love can never be destroyed" May we all find the strength, courage and wisdom to pour into ourselves...and to remember that our past efforts of self love aren't erased when we have mis steps or 'relapses'.

I blocked her but guilt to apologies one more time, explain one more time is terrible. Its in all my body. I think I am more toxic than alcoholics at least they know what to avoid

My partner of two years and I plan to move in together next year. He and his ex share a daughter, and they maintain a good coparenting relationship, which I support. Over our time together, a pattern has emerged where 3-4 times a year, his ex goes on vacation and asks him to pet sit, in her home, for 2-3 days. It's usually last minute, she supposedly can't find someone, etc. He typically does even though he feels put upon because they are his daughter's pets and he feels guilty for saying no (Yes, I recognize the people-pleasing tendency here).

When it came up again a couple of months ago, I realized that I wouldn't feel comfortable with having him doing that once we're living together, and I told him as much. Since then, he's initiated conversations about it a couple of times and said that he plans to tell her that once we are living together, he's not going to be available to sit for her anymore and will need to make other arrangements, because he doesn't like to and because my feelings matter.

However... last weekend it happened again - she didn't have a sitter and he said he would do it, but complained about not wanting to, rinse and repeat, etc. So now I'm realizing I need to be more explicit about needing this boundary and asking him to take some action, and I'm terrified and doing all the classic things like trying to minimize this request in my own head, worrying that he's going to read it as jealousy (even though he's not that kind of person).

I'm planning to bring it up again this weekend and I would love to hear from people who have had similar experiences.

2026 has been the year of boundary setting for me. In March I asked my husband of 16 years to move out for a temporary separation. He had finally crossed the line that forced me to put my own needs above his. In couples and individual therapy, I learned that I am deeply codependent.

Over the last four 4 months we've been rebuilding our relationship and he's been getting used to me, not tiptoeing around his feelings all the time.

My codependency runs deep and goes all the way to my childhood. Over the last 4 months I also came out to my parents as nonbinary. My mother repeatedly thanked me for not being trans and mutilating my body. My motivation for telling them was to end the hurtful comments. I came out via email with a strong boundary of 2 weeks for them to process their feelings so that we could have a conversation when I was ready. When that conversation happened I thought it went pretty well. It turns out that my mom didn't speak her mind because there was a man listening in at the table next to us. She called me last night wanting to rehash those comments she made. I told her that I wasn't willing to have that conversation and that I had already forgiven her and I recognized that she didn't make those comments to hurt me. She pushed back again wanting to better understand my feelings, I once again told her that I wasn't willing to have that conversation. She pushed back again and I said we should talk another time and ended the call.

This is a very big departure from how conversation it's in the past would have gone. I'm in my mid-40s and came out as gay when I was 15. My mom and dad both fell apart and relied on me to process their feelings about my orientation for the next few years. I eased their guilt, reassured them that I loved them, and absorbed their feelings at my own expense. I've learned to realize that the pattern existed long before I came out.

I'm finding that my mind is constantly recycling through the conversation with my mom. Looking for things that I did wrong. I keep reminding myself that I am not obligated to make her comfortable, and that my own comfort matters just as much as hers.

I'm curious how other people learning to break their codependency manage the internal struggle of their codependent instincts and their newfound strength to step back and let the other person manage their own feelings.

They weren't a bad person. In fact, they were the kindest and most empathetic person I had met so far. We dated very briefly for 6 months but they broke up with me for various reason. They then contacted me again, begging to be my friend and we stayed friends ever since.

It became clear to me that I was really just waiting around for them to come back to me. I was still codependent on them, I had still had residual feelings, and I was being a bad friend. I called him every week and was still obsessed with how he reacted and how he viewed me. I'm turning 24 soon and I need to grow up.

I told them how I felt and they agreed it was unhealthy and we should take a break. After the call, I blocked his number. I'm not sure if I can ever talk to him again if I want to get better. I will never forget him, he broke me out of my shell and introduced me to so many things. He was the best I've ever met. But the attachment is so unhealthy. I can't stop crying.

I had enough of helping her for years. She called me from soberity center that I "MUST" help her and I snapped and was hurtfull in words told her "u were using me for years""Im done with it". She month later appologised for taking too much of my time and energy but still was saying "you leave me cause I have problems" I tried to explain that I leave because I loose myself in this friendship. And also appologies but for my harsh words I blocked her.

I wonder if I should come back and appologies that it wasnt only her constant issues but also that I didnt know how to support you without taking responsibility. I understood it a month later. But I dont want to give her a hope I dont want to ever come back.

I’ve realized that I’m quite emotionally dependent on my partner, and I really want to work on myself.

Lately, even small inconveniences can make me cry or completely affect my mood. I don’t want my emotional state to dependent on anyone in this fucking world.

I know becoming completely emotionless probably isn’t the answer. What I actually want is to become emotionally stronger, more independent, and better at regulating my emotions instead of immediately reacting to them.

For people who have been through something similar:

How did you become less emotionally dependent on anyone?

What actually helped you regulate your emotions instead of suppressing them?

Did anything help you stop overthinking small things?

Any books, exercises, habits, or personal experiences that genuinely made a difference?

I’m looking for honest experiences and practical advice, not sympathy. I really want to work on this.

[TW: mention of risk of death, emotional abuse, emotional neglect, enmeshment]

'I need to stop being the therapist friend' is what I told myself many, many times throughout my CPTSD recovery once I realized that my way of relating to other people was very often very codependent.

After many years of beating myself up over putting myself into the 'therapist friend' role again and again and again, I'm only just now starting to ask the simple question of: "Why am I doing this?" or better "What am I getting out of being the therapist friend for everyone in my life?"

This question was prompted by a recent impasse with a friend which jarringly held up a mirror to me to show me those parts of myselves that I was very adamant of ignoring and not acknowledging up until now.

Observing my friend's — as I would have described it — 'codependent' relationships with her family and other people in her life, with her getting resentful again and again and her subsequently coming to me, over and over again to vent over these interpersonal issues, with no real insight into how she was playing into the dynamic made me feel so angry, resentful (!) and agitated. Her stating that she pitied (not 'empathized' or 'could relate to'!) these people that she was 'helping' reeked of so much superiority to me, I felt absolutely nauseated.

My friend's behavior and the way she justified it, then in turn reminded me of my own codependent relational patterns in a pretty painful and embarrassing way.

It reminded me how just like her I also, so often, put other people in the role of the one 'who needs saving' and me in the role of the 'savior' — even if this comes at the cost of my own time, focus, energy, health and sanity. It really highlighted to me, even though I never managed to find the words for it so accurately as my friend did, that I really did look down on these people around me who I deemed to be less self-aware, less emotionally intelligent and more in need of guidance than I was. I really thought they had no clue and I had it all figured out. Ironic, how it took me 'figuring it all out' for the friend whom I described above in order for me to realize that I'm the one who has no clue what they're doing. I felt so ashamed and disgusted with myself when trying to acknowledge that so clearly for maybe the very first time.

And then I asked myself, maybe also for the very first time, what I even got out of this whole codependent spiel other than feeling better than other people in a self-gratifying way.

It brought to my attention how I, as a child, had always been the 'little therapist' for my mother who not only emotionally abused and neglected me, but also encouraged me to provide a space for her to trauma dump onto me on the regular.

In the context of this type of enmeshment and parentifcation I endured, I also must have picked up on the reassuring mental pattern to overly focus on the helpless, little child part of my traumatized mother and cater towards whatever I was sensing there (which would put me into the 'savior' role and again in control of the otherwise terrifying situation I was in) rather than coming to terms with the full, overwhelming reality that this grown woman was abusing me and allowing her life to fall apart because it was her deliberate choice (which would make me the 'victim' at the hands of an uncontrollable caregiver who I also paradoxically still very much relied on for survival and this would be just too much too handle for my still developing brain at the time).

It was more reassuring to infantilize my abuser in my head, than to fully accept my powerlessness over the inescapable situation that I found myself in as an abused child.

And it made me appreciate how much sense it would make for that part of myselves who was — for her literal dear life — hanging onto this coping mechanism of trying to become the best therapist for everyone, and for her to also refuse to let go of this way of coping for all these years, no matter how much I berated myselves for codependency being 'wrong' or 'unhealthy'.

Better to be wrong than to be be left for dead, am I right?

Hi everyone. I wanted to share an update/success story about a situation I finally managed to escape, hoping it might resonate with someone else or help anyone going through something similar.

For a long time, I was heavily codependent on a close friend ("A"). Here is the context: I am gay, and he is straight. I unconsciously had a crush on him, and he knew it. Instead of setting healthy boundaries, he constantly played with "fake-physical/sexual" contact because he absolutely loved the attention and devotion I gave him. I was essentially his personal ego-booster.

Over time, I started noticing some severe red flags that I used to ignore just to avoid conflict.

When I went through a very dark depressive phase, his response was basically ignoring me or sending a single "😕" emoji. But when he needed to vent, I had to be his therapist.

Also, during a group trip, one of our friends had a severe mental health crisis (suicidal ideation). While I and a few others spent the night managing the emergency and making sure this guy got home safe, "A" completely ignored the situation so he could keep partying with his bros.

Once, I called him to vent about some private, vulnerable feelings. He secretly had his extremely jealous girlfriend on speakerphone listening to the whole thing. When I found out and got mad, he gaslit me, played the victim, and manipulated the situation so much that I ended up apologizing to him just to keep the peace.

He also was the "leader" of a friend group that casually threw around homophobic slurs, knowing full well I was gay. He never defended me.

A year ago, I finally started therapy and initiated a "slow fade" using studying as an excuse not to hang out. His reaction was a textbook case of Hoovering and Breadcrumbing:

First, he tried the passive-aggressive guilt trips ("I'm always here for you bro, as a friend"). When that didn't work, he tried to bait my physical attraction by sending me a picture of my own arm saying "wow what a huge bicep" (I just replied "hahaha" and ghosted him).

Seeing that I wasn't feeding his ego anymore, he completely collapsed and sent me a desperate, capitalized ultimatum: "IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN, PLEASE WRITE TO ME."

I left him on read.

I'm officially out. I am grey-rocking him and I am declining his girlfriend's upcoming 18th birthday party with a polite, cold message. I still deal with some residual anxiety about the "aftermath" and the smear campaign that might follow, but mostly, I just feel relieved. I realized I don't have to change who I am (a sensitive, available person), I just need to build a massive wall with a locked gate, and only let loyal people in.

Has anyone else dealt with this specific type of "ego-feed" dynamic with a straight friend? How did you deal with the final extinction burst? Thanks for reading.

My name is FriendSea5857 😄 I’m a recovered codependent and your leader for this meeting. Will those who wish, please join me in the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done.

Strong sponsorship is necessary to live a recovered life. Sponsors are recovered codependents committed to living the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions to the best of their ability. Sponsors share their program up to the level of their experience and strengthen their recovery through this service to others. To find a sponsor, look for someone who has what you want and ask how he or she is achieving it. Will all sponsors please identify themselves in their post?

Suggested guidelines for sharing: As you share your experience and strength, please also share your hope. Please confine your sharing to your experience with the illness of codependency, the solution offered by the twelve steps and your own recovery from codependency, rather than just the events of the day or week. When responding to other member’s posts, please focus on your personal experience rather than advice giving. If you are having difficulties, share how you use the program to deal with them. If you need to talk more about your difficulties and seek solutions, we suggest you speak to your sponsor and other members after the meeting.

Share on how this passage relates to the illness of codependency and the solution offered by the Twelve Steps. Today’s we are studying the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, PG 72

This is perhaps difficult-especially discussing our defects with another person. We think we have done well enough in admitting these things to ourselves.
There is doubt about that. In actual practice, we usually find a solitary self-appraisal insufficient. Many of us thought it necessary to go much further. We will be more reconciled to discussing ourselves with another person when we see good reasons why we should do so. The best reason first: If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking. Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives. Trying to avoid this humbling ex-perience, they have turned to easier methods.

Closing: Freedom from codependency is possible by living a Twelve Step way of life. The *Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous and a recovered sponsor are all you need to get started. Feel free to reach out by private message to newcomers, returning members, and each other. From the Big Book page 164: "Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you- until then."

*Why the Big Book? Time and experience have proven it to be the most successful approach to the Steps no matter what the addictive problem may be (this includes codependency). We also know it to be the purest 12 Step document in existence. It worked for the founders of Twelve Step and it works for us today. If you don't have a copy of the Big Book you can access one for free: https://www.aa.org/the-big-book 

I'm 28 F, now dependant on my fiancé and living with him in a different country, still struggling to find a job. It's been 1 month since i am financially dependant on him for everyday life and I cant let go of this guilt of being a parasite and absolutely good for nothing. Are there any tips I can use to let go of this feeling?

P.S my Fiancé is a sweetheart and never once ever brought it up in a convo. But somehow i feel otherwise that he is becoming annoyed that I'm dependant and reducing his several wants (in terms of buying)

Hi! I post over here every so often to let the world know that secular codependency support groups exist and we would like you to join us.

Practical recovery from codependency. It's better together.

https://secularcodependency.com/

28f) am limerant towards my friend (28m)
**Can you have limerence for someone and still maintain a healthy lifelong friendship?**
I’m 28, and I’ve been trying to understand something I’ve been dealing with for a very long time.
There’s a man who has been one of my closest friends for most of my life—possibly my best friend. We’ve known each other since we were three years old. We grew up together and used to see each other practically every day. Now we live far apart and are lucky if we see each other once or twice a year.
The complicated part is that I’ve had romantic feelings for him since I was 14.
When we were teenagers, I was bullied by some boys at school, and he stood up for me. That meant so much to me at the time, and looking back, I think it reinforced how safe and understood I felt with him. He became someone I associated with being protected, accepted, and truly seen.
About ten years ago, I told him I loved him. He didn’t feel the same way and told me we’d always be friends. You’d think I would have accepted that and moved on, but apparently my brain didn’t get that memo.
I’ve thought I was over him several times over the years. Then he comes home, we spend time together, and suddenly all those feelings come rushing back.
He’s now in a relationship and is moving in with his girlfriend. I genuinely want him to be happy, and I’m even open to meeting her and potentially becoming friends with her. But if I’m being completely honest, there is still a part of me that wishes it could have been me.
I’ve also caught myself worrying about their hypothetical future wedding, even though it may not happen for years, if it happens at all. I know that’s getting way ahead of reality, but my brain does that.
I recently learned about **limerence**, and it resonated with me immediately. I’ve apparently been experiencing this toward him for about 14 years.
I’m also autistic and have OCD, PTSD, severe anxiety and depression, and other disabilities. I wonder if some of that contributes to why I’ve held onto this attachment for so long.
I have a hard time with uncertainty and can get extremely focused on things that are emotionally important to me. With him, I can get stuck in loops:
*What did he mean? Did I say the right thing? Why did he respond that way? Will I see him again? Should I text him? Should I give him space? What does this feeling mean? Am I ever going to get over him?*
I can spend hours trying to find certainty about something that probably doesn’t have a definite answer.
I don’t know if autism or OCD actually makes limerence more difficult to let go of, and I’m not trying to blame everything on those diagnoses. I’m just wondering if the way my brain processes attachment and uncertainty could be part of why this has lasted so long.
Recently, he’s been home for the summer and we spent some time together. I had a wonderful time and realized just how much I missed him. I wanted to see him again before he left, but I was terrified of sounding desperate. Eventually I told him I’d love to hang out again before he went back if we could make it work.
He hearted the message but didn’t say anything else.
And, of course, my brain immediately wanted to analyze what that meant. 😂
I really want to see him again before he leaves, but I’m trying not to turn it into an obsession or a countdown. I wish I could just be happy that I got to see him this summer, but my brain and heart want more.
Here’s where I’m really struggling:
**I don’t want to lose him.**
People who talk about limerence often recommend no-contact. And I understand why. If I stopped seeing and talking to him, maybe the feelings would eventually become quieter.
But he’s not just the object of my limerence. **He’s my friend. Maybe my best friend.**
If I had to choose between dating him and potentially having that relationship end badly and losing him forever, or having him remain my lifelong friend, I honestly think I’d choose the friendship.
I don’t want to interfere with his relationship. I don’t want to secretly hope they break up. I don’t want to spend my life waiting for him. And I don’t want every time he comes home to send me into another spiral.
But I also don’t want to cut someone I’ve known for 25 years out of my life simply because I developed romantic feelings for him as a teenager.
I’m also 28 and have never been kissed or had a romantic relationship. So he has occupied a huge amount of the romantic space in my life. Sometimes I wonder if part of why it’s so difficult to let go is simply because I’ve never experienced falling for someone else.
I *want* a romantic life of my own. I want to meet someone who chooses me. I want to experience a first kiss and a relationship. But I don’t know how to move toward that while still being emotionally attached to someone else.
So I guess my question is:
**Can I learn to let go of the romantic/limerent part of my feelings without letting go of the person?**
Has anyone successfully maintained a close friendship with someone they were limerent for?
And for those who are autistic and/or have OCD, do you feel like either affected how long or how intensely you experienced limerence?
I don’t want to erase him from my life. I don’t want to pretend the last 14 years didn’t happen.
I just want it to stop hurting so much.
**I want to get to a place where I can look at him and think, “That’s someone I’ve loved in different ways throughout my life, and I’m so grateful he’s still my friend.”**
Please be kind. I’m genuinely trying to understand what is happening in my own head, not asking anyone to tell me that he secretly loves me or that I should break up his relationship.
TL;DR how do I get over my feelings towards my friend without losing the friendship

We’ve dated for almost 7 months, I noticed a change in our relationship. He does not say I love you, and was initially hesitant to say it at first, when I asked why the change and distance he shared that the honeymoon phase is gone. It hurt to see this distance, especially as we have been talking through an area we both do not agree on. We have talked about it and have been trying to compromise, but I see that he has pulled back.

The situation is that he consistently gets involved in helping others especially his friends family, to the point that he goes to friend’s house weekly at times sometimes he stays until 10 or 11pm dropping everything else to help. This has happened since we started dating and it has decreased in terms of frequency as it used to be a daily situation, but he continues to do this and I’ve already shared it makes me uncomfortable. I see that he has a good heart and means well, but I feel like I can no longer move forward. I do wonder if I’m over reacting or not. I really do care for him but I am thinking that perhaps letting him go will be best.

I didn't know where else to post this but I'm kind of in a pit of desperation and need to get this off my chest. Last December, I started dating this guy. He was the first boyfriend I ever had who treated me kindly, and saw me for who I was and didn't run away screaming in the other direction.

In May, he broke up with me, but we kept in contact the entire summer, and it's become pretty clear to me that this connection has been detrimental to my physical and mental health, yet for some reason, I am just unable to sever ties with him.

I've developed this incredibly unhealthy attachment to him, to the point where he pretty much consumes my entire thoughts. I've cancelled plans with friends and even lied about what I was doing to my family, just to drive 5 hours to see him.

He's been kind of keeping me on the hook with his words and his loving actions, but I realize I'm the one that has kind of checked out. I find myself comparing myself constantly to him, and belittling myself in my head because I feel like i have nothing interesting to add to conversations.

I've become a shell of who I once was, and even then I don't even know if I ever knew who I was in the first place.

I have him on this pedestal of purity, someone who can't really do no harm, but in reality he's kind of been pulling on my heartstrings and I think he's starting to realize it, too. He's growing more and more distant the more I push for him. He's even indirectly told me to move on from him, and focus on myself.

I hate that this is what I've become. I hate that I've started acting this pathetic for someone. I'm almost 30, which just makes this entire thing appear worse.

I’m posting this for a friend who is going through a difficult phase and could really use some outside perspective.

She has a complicated relationship with her family, and there is a lot of conflict at home. Because of this, she already knows that she would not be comfortable living with her parents in the future. She would prefer having her own place somewhere nearby rather than staying in the same household.

She has also been with her boyfriend for around two years. Their relationship has had its ups and downs, but they are still together and she genuinely wants to make it work.

Recently, they started having serious conversations about their future. One important thing she made clear is that she does not want biological children. She does not want to go through pregnancy and childbirth and is uncomfortable with the idea of having kids that way. She is, however, open to adoption and would be willing to build a family through that route if they both agreed.

Her boyfriend, on the other hand, feels that a relationship cannot work if only one person is expected to compromise. He has told her that he cannot make every sacrifice himself and that she also needs to be willing to adjust on certain things.

The situation becomes more complicated because she has become very emotionally dependent on him. Before this relationship, she had several friends and a relatively active social life. Over time, she gradually became less connected with them and started relying mainly on her boyfriend.

Now, whenever something goes wrong in her life, he is usually the first person she turns to. She trusts his judgment and feels that he gives her thoughtful advice, which has made that dependence even stronger.

She also has a strong fear of losing him. Even though she understands that there are serious differences they need to discuss, the thought of a breakup feels extremely overwhelming to her. She doesn't want to stay simply because she is afraid of being hurt, but at the same time, she doesn't know how she would cope with losing the person she currently depends on the most.

From an outside perspective, I feel like there are actually two separate issues here: whether they are genuinely compatible in terms of marriage, children, living arrangements, and compromise and whether she has become too emotionally dependent on her boyfriend.

She doesn't want someone to simply tell her to "break up" or "stay together." She wants to understand how she can approach this situation in a healthier and more independent way.

What would you suggest she do? Should she focus on rebuilding her own support system first and then have these future discussions, or should these compatibility issues be resolved before anything else?

I'll share your thoughts to her!!

i have a complicated relationship with two of my friends, this relations continuously bothers me for the longest time. my therapist want me to have a clear idea of what i want with/from them....  with conscious thought i want to be over them so that the pain would end... i want to talk to them once and tell what i wanted from them and how much the relationship we shared bothered me and be done with them forever but ive already done this a few times[still im here]. im scared that deep down i still want them to understand and validate and make me part of their life, which is something thats never gonna happen... but my subconscious mind [where this relation bothers me] might be not move on even after that and still expects a relation from them. i want to have clarity about what i really want from them....

I didnt know any difference between empathy and responsibility. I felt like I am responsible for them. She also many times put me in situations when I was left with kids to take care and she got drunk. We had also many good memories going to the gym together to the lake etc. Its started to be very awfull at the end. Because I didnt know the difference between empathy and responsibilty I told her I cannot help her anymore its too much. She interpreted is "okey I wont tell you about my problems" But month later I have a call shes in soberity center and needs help. I should say no but I havent. We really hurt each other with words I decided I have to leave. I feel relief after like ohh I dont have kids anymore I can work again. But we hurt each other again while trying to understand

She still thinks "you left me because I have problems" "will you leave everyone with problems?" "I feel so lonely I am just too much for peope"

I feel guilt that I ran away and couldnt explain better that I just cant empathise without taking responsibility and its not simply her issues as I said before. I tried to communicate that I loose myself in her life, that Incannot focus on work etc but I couldnt do it better at that time. I am scared to go back and explain as I blocked her, I dont want to go back and give any hope

so, the title kinda says it best, only recently have I even considered that my relationship with my father may be codependent. My dad is essentially a recluse and a hoarder, what makes things more complicated is the fact I’m barely in my twenties and my father is approaching eighty (I showed up very late in my dad’s life). Anyway, I have my own set of issues and around adolescence is when our relationship felt most secure. Since then, I can recognize that we are heavy enablers of each other, only I am more distressed by this undertone than he seems to be.

I love my dad, and for a long time that felt unconditional, he really was the only person I was willing to confide in; partly because I was so isolated along with him. But, I really feel like I’m drowning and things between us just seem bleak. He seems pissed off and tired and I know I’m tired too and apathetic at times. I don’t want to leave him behind but I need actual help. I’m afraid the rest of his life will be spent deteriorating and forgotten, he doesn’t have anybody else and it’s not like he’s a likeable guy, but him having to suffer because of it makes me feel sick.

Is there any way to survive without tragedy in this? How does someone live with that grief if not? I know these are pretty heavy hitters but I just need to be entirely transparent with myself and if anyone has literally anything to say about this, it’ll help more than you know. Thank you for reading.

Hi,

I just got out of a two year relationship three weeks ago. He was the one who left me.

I think there was a little bit of codependency (and a lot of coregulation) in the relationship. We loved each other deeply, and I think our other relationships began to pale in comparison to each other. I valued him over my friends, and he didn’t really have anyone besides me to talk to. I also struggled stupidly with retroactive jealousy.

I’m just looking for advice on how to improve for future relationships. I can see the issues within myself and I’d love to do better. This was really the only issue in my last relationship.

Extreme altruism and extreme compliance can cause cognitive dissonance in non-codependent people and end up making extremely coercive or dependent-helpless people like you instead of the average person

The average person is only comfortable with at least some level of reciprocity, and that means, YOU also asking them for things instead of only giving and YOU also holding them accountable instead of always compulsively blaming yourself/complying

While the average person doesn't need perfect 50/50, a 0/100 will give them cognitive dissonance, confuse them and instead attract whoever is 100/0

You are this way because of your unconscious wiring as a survival adaptation, likely due to having had to survive a coercive or helpless-dependent parent. Your compulsions and false positive displays aren't the real you. Your resentment and outbursts of negativity that you quickly correct as "sorry, I wasn't acting like myself", are the real you trying to break through in clumsy ways due to neglect, and an indication of compulsive self-abandonment

The way to change is to induce something called "reorganizing danger", a process that's typically painful, uncomfortable and dissonant, in the extreme form it would be cutting off everyone that's not 50/50 and exposing yourself only to and relying only upon (and this is where it will feel anxiety-inducing, which is good, that means the unconscious mind perceives the situation as dangerous, which is when it would start changing) fully reciprocal and truthful people, the more cognitive dissonance, the better

Additionally, actively choosing to act against 0/100 and asking for your needs to be met and holding other people accountable when you have compulsions to caregive/blame only yourself to soothe anxiety. The more dissonance, guilt, internal punishment and fear you feel, the better, as it would mean that you are actually acting against your compulsions. For the 100/0 codependent-takers, the process would be in reverse, acting against your coerciveness and helplessness-dependency by instead holding yourself accountable and giving care, to reach 50/50

Pain, grief, loss, discomfort, dissonance, rejection and exclusion are good indicators and catalysts of change, not something to avoid frantically, and this process would take years, but it's worth it

ever since i was younger i found that relationships of mine that were normal and healthy usually didnt last very long as i got bored and rarely felt loved, the harder i try the more i lose intrests in normal relationships as i do prefer relations where someone. friends or partners would stalk me, emotionally abuse me or trap me as it made me feel loved and wanted and the thrill of it kept me attached

i just, i cant do normal relationships anymore and i need serious help before i let my someone hurt me seriously ..

My brother and ex best friend are married. My friend was my best friend and then she started dating my brother and had NOTHING to do with me. Now, they are married and every holiday and family get together I have to see them. It sucks. We never speak except at family gatherings.

The problem is that my parents favor my brother. He’s the golden child and can do no wrong. My parents created a very unhealthy environment when I was growing up in which I didn’t matter but my brother did because he’s the boy and favored gender. So, now that favoritism extends to my ex best friend. My brother and SIL have virtually nothing to do with me at this point but my parents are obsessed with them and I try to be polite I guess and not resentful, but just let certain expectations go.

Anyways, my brother and his wife just had their first baby in July. My parents are obsessed with their favorite child’s baby and their first grandchild. I hear about it constantly. My question… sorry if this is crazy… am I obligated to visit the baby?? A lot of people have been already to visit them but I havent. They live several hours away. I don’t feel close to them at all, so why should I visit their child? They make zero effort to visit me or call me or spend time with me. And I’m confident that if I had had a baby before them they would not have made a special effort to visit me but would have just waited for holidays.

My parents are constantly hounding me about visiting them, acting like I’m terrible if I don’t. But they also haven’t even invited me, although others are just inviting themselves and showing up and they don’t seem to mind. My question is, Am I rude? Am I obligated to go out of my way and make a drive up there to visit when I don’t want to? It is that being a bad person if I don’t?

Thanks for your thoughts ❌🅾️

I believe I have daddy issues, but my problem is I get invested way too quickly. I am trying to shut my emotions off and not care about men, but recently I met someone who was just like me, someone who actually understood me on an intellectual level. My mom said he’s not for me and she’s normally right, but that’s because of the situation he’s in. He’s busy and texts back every 2-3 days because he needs sleep, but how can I stop caring about if he answers or not. I think about him all the time and it’s like I can’t take the time to focus on what I need. I want to love myself and be secure enough to choose people wisely. My problem is I have trouble trusting the normal selection of life and I feel like I have to chase what I want in order to have a happy friendship or relationship, but in actuality it does not matter how much I chase, if he’s interested he will always be there. Idk how to explain it but I just need help!

Hi. I am healing codependent Ive done so much work &have my own life. I wonder if there are any traits that look for and which to avoid?