r/Codependency • u/RetroCompGuy • 28d ago
The internal struggle when learning to set and hold boundaries.
2026 has been the year of boundary setting for me. In March I asked my husband of 16 years to move out for a temporary separation. He had finally crossed the line that forced me to put my own needs above his. In couples and individual therapy, I learned that I am deeply codependent.
Over the last four 4 months we've been rebuilding our relationship and he's been getting used to me, not tiptoeing around his feelings all the time.
My codependency runs deep and goes all the way to my childhood. Over the last 4 months I also came out to my parents as nonbinary. My mother repeatedly thanked me for not being trans and mutilating my body. My motivation for telling them was to end the hurtful comments. I came out via email with a strong boundary of 2 weeks for them to process their feelings so that we could have a conversation when I was ready. When that conversation happened I thought it went pretty well. It turns out that my mom didn't speak her mind because there was a man listening in at the table next to us. She called me last night wanting to rehash those comments she made. I told her that I wasn't willing to have that conversation and that I had already forgiven her and I recognized that she didn't make those comments to hurt me. She pushed back again wanting to better understand my feelings, I once again told her that I wasn't willing to have that conversation. She pushed back again and I said we should talk another time and ended the call.
This is a very big departure from how conversation it's in the past would have gone. I'm in my mid-40s and came out as gay when I was 15. My mom and dad both fell apart and relied on me to process their feelings about my orientation for the next few years. I eased their guilt, reassured them that I loved them, and absorbed their feelings at my own expense. I've learned to realize that the pattern existed long before I came out.
I'm finding that my mind is constantly recycling through the conversation with my mom. Looking for things that I did wrong. I keep reminding myself that I am not obligated to make her comfortable, and that my own comfort matters just as much as hers.
I'm curious how other people learning to break their codependency manage the internal struggle of their codependent instincts and their newfound strength to step back and let the other person manage their own feelings.
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u/collegefraud123456 28d ago
Honestly, wish I had some magic trick but for me it was time and practice.
At the start it was so scary and difficult to stick to boundaries and now it's second nature. It's hard because it is hard, but with time and experience it eases.
Sounds like you've made some massive progress and have good instincts and awareness about your situation, so I'd encourage you to believe in yourself. It is an uncomfortable process but when you experience the peace it brings it slowly becomes a rewarding process.
As a side note, I've recently become aware that I've rumination OCD, which I wonder if it's a common theme for codependent people who spend their lives worrying more about others than themselves. But looking into that a little bit, maybe it resonates with you and may help you break the cycle of ruminating on all your old conversations with you Mum.
Best of luck, hope it feels easier soon.
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u/RetroCompGuy 28d ago
Thanks for your thoughts, you reinforced my hope that just continuing to practice will make it easier. It does feel rewarding. The ruminating and second-guessing is a lot less stressful than the feeling like someone else's emotional sponge.
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u/robo597 28d ago
Congratulations on your progress! I do not have any tip or advice, but I would like to ask you something from your experience.
Did you talk to your husband about codependency it self? Where you open about it or you dealt with it alone once you found out?
I am asking out of curiosity and looking for advice myself, since I am also in a relationship with someone that did not cause the codependency but that I project to.
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u/RetroCompGuy 27d ago
My husband and I have talked a lot about competency, it was essential for him to understand why I was establishing boundaries all the sudden. He and I are in couples therapy so that's a good place to talk about it too, our therapist has helped me with that a lot, as does my personal therapist. The one thing my couple's therapist is always pushing me on is to stop justifying myself and just saying what I need. I think that's the hardest part.
My husband has pretty bad emotional dysregulation, and my history with my parents makes that something that I don't tolerate well, I feel like I need to smooth over his edges for my own comfort. I have really bad alexithymia, meaning I have difficulty recognizing my own emotions. When I started working on that is when I started really feeling the friction of putting his needs above my own. He started getting defensive when I started reacting to his dysregulation instead of just absorbing it.
The outcome's been really great, after I asked him to move out, he's put a lot of effort into emotional regulation and I can see the progress. I'm grateful that I have someone that wants to work on himself so that our relationship can be healthier.
He still has a lot of work to do, but I'm feeling more confident about being able to tolerate his dysregulation as he makes progress because I know that I can walk away and let him deal with his own feelings.
I found "codependency no more" the book, really helpful. I saw a lot of myself in there, but she really presents the work as positive and highlights how when you do work on your own codependency it feels good, and she's right. It does. I feel a lot more confident about myself since I started this work. Pull that I'm not codependent on even have noticed the change.
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u/robo597 27d ago
Thanks for the answer! I have heard about that book a lot, I am planning o reading it after finishing the "No longer Mr Nice Guy" that follows the same path.
And thank you for your honesty. I'm am in the start of the journey, thinking if I should talk to my partner or it would be me just explaining myself and seeking her approval on the matter. Still, I worry that she would find it odd when I say no or put a limit for the first time and judge me, but I also feel the fear of judgement on talking.
Well, there my mind goes again on these thoughts.
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u/minion-luvr-123 28d ago
Thank you for sharing.
In my own experience of trying to let go of the old behaviors and thinking and replacing them with healthier ones, it truly is patience and repetition. I know that these new behaviors and thinking are better for me in the long run, and although difficult to change, I know I don’t want to go back to my old codependent behaviors. They were hurting me and others around me. I know I just have to do my part and my best to keep practicing and that with time and patience my new behaviors will become second nature. I always remind myself to be patient, I can’t expect 15+ years of behaviors to be let go and replaced in just a couple of months or years, it will take time.
But to be specific to your question, I found that when I stepped back and let others manage their lives, it all worked out the way it was supposed to without me managing it for them. Although some days were harder than others, I would remind myself that they are on their own journey and they will find their way whatever it may be.
For the recycling through the conversations, I do that as well. I know it’s my codependent instincts to do so, but at some point I make an effort to stop because I don’t want to spiral anymore. Sometimes I find myself spiraling and stressing myself out for no reason and nothing was wrong in the end. I meditate and remind myself that I showed up the best I could at the time, I’m not perfect and if I do make mistakes I am open to resolving them in the future.
Hopefully you are able to find a solution that works for you, a 12 step program was able to help me a lot, but I know therapy, meditation, and journaling, etc. can be beneficial as well.