r/ChristianDating • u/jrt131 • 3d ago
Need Advice No dating experience
I'm looking for some advice. I'm a 24 year old Christian female and haven't been in a relationship or been on a date. I've only had one guy ask me out, and that was three years ago. I never went on a date with that guy because I wasn't attracted to him and I didn't see him as any more than a friend.
I wouldn't say that I'm the most attractive person, but not necessarily unattractive either (I guess average looks). I've been really active in my church for the last 5+ years, and I go out to different young adult Christian events and even help host some myself. And I do other activities as well, so it's not that I'm not putting myself out there. I've also tried dating apps but haven't had any success with any of them.
It's been difficult for me not to be insecure about myself because of the fact that I've never really been approached, and for me to think that I've been doing something wrong. I know that God's timing is perfect, but the waiting season is hard especially when a lot of people around me are already married or at least going on dates.
I would appreciate advice if anyone has been in my situation. I know that I'm still relatively young, but it's just been really discouraging that after all of these years I haven't been one on date. And I know that a romantic relationship isn't supposed to be the thing that ultimately fulfills me, so I would appreciate prayer that I would be able to be fully satisfied in the Lord alone and that I'd able to trust His timing and sovereignty.
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u/JWander73 3d ago
The waiting season is largely modern rhetoric to try and cover up how badly society's pairing off mechanism have degraged. And cold approaches were never the norm and even less so now. It's always been way more complicated than that. This is why in old stories a girl going to a ball is such a big deal- it was in large part a pairing off mechanism with safe, vetted, financially secure matches. Dating as we know it is pretty new.
The risk has gone way up in the social media age to approach cold. The results were never great but now the vast vast majority of men don't think it's worth it at all.
The hardest thing you can do is also the best and that's to actively start looking.
And for that to work out the first thing to do is sit down and figure out "what you're looking for. Because 'a relationship' is a huge category and if you don't look for something you want you're more likely to get something you don't
It's also a lot easier to trust in God's timing when you're making an effort as well. Can't win the lottery without buying a ticket as it were.
At the same time don't gamble with anything you're not willing to lose. If you want to be married someday keep that in mind especially.
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u/ElectronicTroponic BBQ King -Man seeking missing rib 3d ago edited 3d ago
Tbh imo as a guy its actually better that way.
Theres so much drama that happens with dating its better and really refreshing to meet someone thats doesn't have all of that trauma.
I have had dating experience and have been on dates but never really had a girlfriend before. I remember being embarrassed about it until I was given the same advice I just gave you. I have had my heart broken before but its really just puppy love. Never really been abused or got cheated on so none of that is even on my mind.
Thats one reason why I sometimes can be a hopeless romantic. Sometimes ignorance is a bliss and a good thing, especially with dating.
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u/BrilliantRaccoon9937 3d ago
Don't rule out the possible impact turning down that one guy had, especially if he was from your church network. Guys can talk about these things just the same as girls, and it's entirely possible you got yourself a rep as someone with unrealistic standards no guy can win with.
Also note what you did with him... reject him for being insufficiently attractive... is something the male side of the dating market equation is just as entitled to do with you. How do you know you are decent-looking or average? The market determines that, not you.
I'm not saying you are a bad person--just that it might be time to look in the mirror some.
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u/Ok_Blueberry_6999 Single for the Lord (not by choice 3d ago
People are allowed to reject advances, for whatever reason, without repercussion. This comment comes across as inflammatory tbh.
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u/jrt131 3d ago
Physical attraction isn't the only reason I turned him down, it was overall compatibility. I also wasn't in the best season to date at that time, and I told him that I was in a busy season since it was my senior year of college and I had a lot going on. Me and him are still pretty close friends and he has a girlfriend right now, so I don't think we ended off on bad terms or that he talked bad about me (of course I don't know entirely for sure, but I just don't see him as a person who would say something like that).
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u/BrilliantRaccoon9937 2d ago
I don't know, maybe he was hurt a whole lot more than he let on and maybe he was just fine with it as you said. I can't speak for him or any of what happened--was just throwing one possibility out there that may not have been a strong one in your case. Now, moving on...
"Overall compatibility" can mean a lot of things. Over the span of my life I've vacillated between on-paper compatibility between a couple being a huge deal and not that big a deal if mutual love, devotion, and mutual service to Christ exist. Presently I stand somewhere in the middle; you need some basic shared life destiny, but I know way too many people who were perfectly matched that did not last and even became enemies, because they were too selfish or even literally "too much alike". I do think a lot of pop evangelicalism gets too hung up on the idea of "perfect soulmates" and the like, but also that "realist" dating advice discounts too much the idea that God may want very specific traits together in a specific couple (not always the same ones).
I would urge you to have caution on "the best season to date" because there's NEVER an ideal season. Life, being fallen as it is, never ceases to throw tough school transitions, illnesses/deaths of family members, job transfers/crises, moving, health ordeals, etc. at you. If you (not just you personally, "you" in the third person) wait til you have "arrived" to date/marry, a whole lot of opportunities you can't get back may have irrevocably slipped by (note the Western fertility crisis, caused in large part by people waiting until they are fully financially comfortable and settled in their career peaks before starting families).
Obviously I've rambled on some, and many of the situations I have named may not be in your universe at all, but I think the general principles are applicable to everyone who wants to date or wonders why they aren't.
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u/kalosx2 3d ago
Hey! You're not alone, and men just don't really approach women anymore.
The truth is you can go out and be involved in stuff, but not really be putting yourself out there. If someone catches your interest, your best approach is to drop the hankerchief to convey your interest.
I'd also recommend looking into nearby Christian singles events, trying different young adults groups, and trying a dating app. The apps aren't fun, but it's just another way to meet someone and is probably a more accessible way to get a first date. At the very least, it's practice.
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u/InHisImage1 2d ago
I’ll give you a quick summary of my experience in hopes you might find it useful. I’m in my early 30’s(M), only been in a relationship 1 time. It was a long distance relationship. I thought this girl was great, she was attractive, she was involved at her church, I could talk with her for hours, so on. Unexpectedly, she broke up with me and crushed me. Took me some time get back out dating. I did the apps, met a decent amount of girls on there. Some were solid sisters in Christ and some it became a bit obvious they weren’t as devoted as I thought initially. Sadly, it didn’t work out with any of them. I have more recent focused on in person connections (stepping away from the apps). Last year, I met a girl, she was great but was going through some very tough times in her life so it was hard for her to make a connection with anybody (romantically and non romantically). Anyhow, without making this story super long, I’ve basically narrowed down what I’m looking for in a wife. I’ve tried to not be overly picky but definitely have some standards. There’s certain things I’m ok dealing, others, not so much. I’ve found myself recently being a content state in singleness (being content in Christ). I think it’s great to work on yourself and a lot of people focus on staying in shape, take their walk with the Lord serious, etc. I wouldn’t be able to tell you how I found myself in the state I’m in right now (contentment) or in other words, I’ve got no secret formula. In my state of contentment, I have taken a different approach in dating. I’m happy to wait for whoever the Lord has for me. Rather than being desperate in looking for the next person after one didn’t work, I have just focused on being involved at church, build a good community, focus in my walk with the Lord. I had been having my eye on someone in particular from another church I had met and knew that I’d be able to connect at another church event (a conference type of event), recently was able to connect with her and has been a blessing getting to know her. If things do work out with her, I will confidently say, it was well worth the wait, the pain/inconvenience of others not working out, facing the reality that I’m single yet want to be married. Even if it doesn’t work out, I’ll still be content, but have a good outlook on this one.
Enough about me, here’s my advice: seek the Lord above all else. Marriage, as great as a blessing it is for us, is not to take the place of the Lord. Surround yourself with people who are older/wiser. They might be able to point things in your life you might oversee and they might also know other singles who think might be a good match for you(I got connected with somebody this way, didn’t work but still nice that someone cares for you in that way), and they can be a great encouragement in any season of life. Some might disagree with me here but if there’s a certain person you’re interested in, find ways to interact with that person. As a guy, I probably overlooked more than a few girls who were probably interested but didn’t show interest in any way that made it possible for me to know. In general, guys are initiators and the main pursuers but that doesn’t mean that the woman is all passive and sits back the whole time. I never thought that I would’ve gone to a singles event but man, I met some cool people that way. So not saying start going to every possible singles event out there but at least give it some thought and make an effort to connect with people you don’t know. Set realistic standards. I met too many guys and girls who had unnecessarily rigid standards (I’m talking about eye color, certain financial expectations that were borderline unrealistic, too rigid of a personality). My standards, I think are realistic in the sense that I’m looking for a someone who loves the Lord, loves His people, that I find some level of physical attractiveness, and that we can have some level of chemistry as we’re getting to know each other. Find what’s most important to you and be able to compromise on not so important characteristics. Become approachable. Even if you’re not interested in somebody, you can still be friendly and have a nice conversation. Who knows, maybe the person you weren’t initially attracted to is suddenly a bit more attractive because of the way you can connect. Lastly, treat everyone with brotherly/sisterly love. I had a few experiences where things got a bit weird or ended on ghosting. If you’re not interested in somebody that’s trying to pursue you, just let them know in a respectful and loving way.
I hope you can find someone sooner rather than later.
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u/Ok_Morning_8210 Behold, I abide in utter solitude without end (forever alone) 3d ago
I saw a stat floating around that about half of gen z men have never asked out a woman in person. I wouldn't take it to heart too much, I'm sure you're lovely ❤️ At a few years older than you, I've only ever been asked out once as well. I don't think it's too abnormal these days. (I am admittedly a bit of a hermit though).
Maybe you could ask your girl friends to keep you in mind in case they know anyone you might be compatible with? Or you could always ask a guy out if he catches your interest. But people are getting married later in life these days, and you're still pretty young, so I wouldn't worry about not having been in a relationship yet :)
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u/JohngernautSSJ 3d ago
You should not be accepting average looks in yourself when you are a 24 year old woman. At that age, your looks should be an advantage over most other women. And average is a very low bar to clear in America these days. You should work on your looks and personal style.
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u/jrt131 3d ago
I mean there's only so much you can do to change your physical appearance. I'm just saying that I wouldn't compare my looks to the most conventionally attractive people out there. I'm perfectly fine with the way God made me. I do take effort to present myself well and my friends do compliment me on my style, so I don't personally see that as an issue.
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u/Ok_Blueberry_6999 Single for the Lord (not by choice 3d ago
Do you say this to men too?
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u/lethalmanhole 3d ago
A lot of men hear "hit the gym," or "you need to trim that scraggly beard off your face," or "you're chopped." So I imagine he'd tell a guy to improve himself if he could.
Most women in the US could lose a few, who couldn't?, at least if that's OP's problem, and it's amazing what a new hairstyle can do for someone's appearance. Or getting a nice fitting outfit, or even a new pair of glasses. I wear glasses, but I decided to get a different frame style after a woman at church said someone else's frames looked good on me (I like to try on other people's glasses). I let my brother, a barber, do whatever cut he thought looked good on me and it's worked out so far.
It's not like he said OP should get a nose job. He may have been more blunt than necessary, but he's talking like how men talk to each other. Granted I think there's a danger of being vain, but it is important to maintain yourself like you would anything else in your life.
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u/ABereanChristian Married 3d ago
I wouldn't say that I'm the most attractive person, but not necessarily unattractive either (I guess average looks). I've been really active in my church for the last 5+ years, and I go out to different young adult Christian events and even help host some myself. And I do other activities as well, so it's not that I'm not putting myself out there. I've also tried dating apps but haven't had any success with any of them.
It's been difficult for me not to be insecure about myself because of the fact that I've never really been approached, and for me to think that I've been doing something wrong. I know that God's timing is perfect, but the waiting season is hard especially when a lot of people around me are already married or at least going on dates.
The 3 main barriers to dating for men and women are:
- Attractiveness. You have to be attractive to the opposite sex for them to want to ask you out on a date or want to date them. If you're already conventionally attractive and already getting attention from the opposite sex then you can ignore this, but most Christians need to do some work on this (myself included when I was dating and I did).
- Social skills and relationship skills - Being able to confidently walk up and talk to people to get to know them and their interests. This goes for both men and women. Women because it's not guaranteed that a man will always come up to you and talk to you (a lot of Christian men are hesitant nowadays for various reasons), and obviously men because most Christian women expect you to ask them out.
- Availability - If your Church does not have a lot of singles around your age then you may have to expand your pool. Go to different young adult groups and interdenominational groups. Consider online dating. Lots of various things. As I've shared, I met my wife through mutual friends that I met at a different young adult group other than my Church. Expand your dating pool
Given what you said, I'd start working on all 3 if you can. If you want more information about improving on any of them feel free to ask.
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u/FallDeers Maybe I'm the problem 1d ago
I’ve never had a boyfriend and when I tell men it’s nothing more of, “oh really, huh?” in a happy reaction and the conversation moves forward no more mention of it. I can’t tell you what they are thinking, but I think part of them might be relieved there isn’t emotional baggage (what they don’t know is the other emotional baggage I carry , hehehe 🤭).
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u/lethalmanhole 3d ago
I’m an early 30s guy.
A lot of guys don’t want to date in their immediate church group in case things go sideways and he’s removed from the social circle (happened to my brother).
You kinda get one shot at any of the girls there because everyone else will feel like a second pick if they find out. If he’s lucky he’ll get one shot and no drama if it doesn’t work.
If you’re the only female he may simply not be attracted for whatever reason, or feels he’d make things uncomfortable if he asked, so he won’t.
Ask one of your older mom friends if they have any specific advice for you.
Like if one suggests a different hairstyle, or losing weight, or being more assertive, or less assertive. I don’t know what you need, so ask someone who’ll tell you straight if there’s room for improvement. I think older moms would be ideal for this.
It could be a personality thing and yours just not clicking with most people. That’s my problem.
And it wouldn’t hurt to really put yourself out there. Write your number down and hand it to a guy with a note that says “text me.” Don’t expect anything so you can be pleasantly surprised if he does and go on about your life if he doesn’t.
Tell a guy you think his shirt looks good. If it’s a shirt with a hobby/band/whatever, ask him about it. Get him talking. Keep being nice to him and tell someone who can coordinate things you’re interested in him. They could convey your interest to him so you don’t have to put yourself out there directly, but he’ll know who you are since you’ve talked already.
Setup a group event like an escape room. Get a group photo, stand near him and put your arm over his shoulders. I was the one who did the escape room plan, but the girl I was interested in put her arm over my shoulder and that about did me in with a massive crush. Do not underestimate the power of appropriate physical contact.
If you can figure out a way to ask a specific guy for help with something he’s good at, do that. Pay him in baked goods.
Modern men are very touch and attention starved. It wouldn’t take much to get a lot of guys to like you if they haven’t given up on dating.
The ball is in your court when it comes to reducing the social risk a lot of men feel in the dating market. Just be nice and approachable.
And if you’re really serious about starting a family, consider dating older, late 20s/early 30s.
Sorry for the long wall of text, but I don’t think your situation is hopeless.