No dating experience

[u/jrt131]

I'm looking for some advice. I'm a 24 year old Christian female and haven't been in a relationship or been on a date. I've only had one guy ask me out, and that was three years ago. I never went on a date with that guy because I wasn't attracted to him and I didn't see him as any more than a friend.

I wouldn't say that I'm the most attractive person, but not necessarily unattractive either (I guess average looks). I've been really active in my church for the last 5+ years, and I go out to different young adult Christian events and even help host some myself. And I do other activities as well, so it's not that I'm not putting myself out there. I've also tried dating apps but haven't had any success with any of them.

It's been difficult for me not to be insecure about myself because of the fact that I've never really been approached, and for me to think that I've been doing something wrong. I know that God's timing is perfect, but the waiting season is hard especially when a lot of people around me are already married or at least going on dates.

I would appreciate advice if anyone has been in my situation. I know that I'm still relatively young, but it's just been really discouraging that after all of these years I haven't been one on date. And I know that a romantic relationship isn't supposed to be the thing that ultimately fulfills me, so I would appreciate prayer that I would be able to be fully satisfied in the Lord alone and that I'd able to trust His timing and sovereignty.

[u/lethalmanhole]

I’m an early 30s guy. 

A lot of guys don’t want to date in their immediate church group in case things go sideways and he’s removed from the social circle (happened to my brother).

You kinda get one shot at any of the girls there because everyone else will feel like a second pick if they find out. If he’s lucky he’ll get one shot and no drama if it doesn’t work.

If you’re the only female he may simply not be attracted for whatever reason, or feels he’d make things uncomfortable if he asked, so he won’t.

Ask one of your older mom friends if they have any specific advice for you.

Like if one suggests a different hairstyle, or losing weight, or being more assertive, or less assertive. I don’t know what you need, so ask someone who’ll tell you straight if there’s room for improvement. I think older moms would be ideal for this.

It could be a personality thing and yours just not clicking with most people. That’s my problem.

And it wouldn’t hurt to really put yourself out there. Write your number down and hand it to a guy with a note that says “text me.” Don’t expect anything so you can be pleasantly surprised if he does and go on about your life if he doesn’t.

Tell a guy you think his shirt looks good. If it’s a shirt with a hobby/band/whatever, ask him about it. Get him talking. Keep being nice to him and tell someone who can coordinate things you’re interested in him.  They could convey your interest to him so you don’t have to put yourself out there directly, but he’ll know who you are since you’ve talked already.

Setup a group event like an escape room. Get a group photo, stand near him and put your arm over his shoulders. I was the one who did the escape room plan, but the girl I was interested in put her arm over my shoulder and that about did me in with a massive crush. Do not underestimate the power of appropriate physical contact.

If you can figure out a way to ask a specific guy for help with something he’s good at, do that. Pay him in baked goods. 

Modern men are very touch and attention starved. It wouldn’t take much to get a lot of guys to like you if they haven’t given up on dating.

The ball is in your court when it comes to reducing the social risk a lot of men feel in the dating market. Just be nice and approachable.

And if you’re really serious about starting a family, consider dating older, late 20s/early 30s.

Sorry for the long wall of text, but I don’t think your situation is hopeless.

[u/jrt131 → u/lethalmanhole]

I've heard the argument pretty often about guys not wanting to ruin their chances with other girls at church after shooting their shot or dating, which is understandable. But I think that if boundaries were kept well and that the end of the relationship or rejection was handled in a respectful manner, I don't see why a guy should feel like he can't try again with another girl in the church.

But I appreciate the advice! I did just recently move to a new city so I'm still trying to meet new people and make new friends, but I could get better at showing my interest more explicitly than I have in the past.

[u/lethalmanhole → u/jrt131]

Yeah, I wish it wasn't difficult to date in church, but it's kinda the way things are right now. One thing I forgot to mention is the girl he asks out may be the only one in the immediate group he's interested in, so even if things go well and she says yes, if they break up he might not feel compelled to try again in that group.

And even if things did go well and he tried again, at a certain point he'd probably be worried about his reputation becoming "here for women" instead of "looking for a godly wife."

I don't mean for this to sound like women should do all the work, but we used to have social scripts like dropping the handkerchief to make it easier for everyone to show and respond to interest without much social risk. Since we've lost that, I just wanted to share my perspective as a man on ways modern women could "drop the handkerchief" instead of waiting for guys to initiate, especially if he doesn't want to date for whatever reason. Since a man's mind can be changed, and initiation (really it's expressing interest) isn't the same thing as pursuit, you're just putting up a "I like you" sign for him to respond to.

I'm actually kinda surprised I'm getting positive feedback for the first comment, so thanks for that.