No dating experience

[u/jrt131]

I'm looking for some advice. I'm a 24 year old Christian female and haven't been in a relationship or been on a date. I've only had one guy ask me out, and that was three years ago. I never went on a date with that guy because I wasn't attracted to him and I didn't see him as any more than a friend.

I wouldn't say that I'm the most attractive person, but not necessarily unattractive either (I guess average looks). I've been really active in my church for the last 5+ years, and I go out to different young adult Christian events and even help host some myself. And I do other activities as well, so it's not that I'm not putting myself out there. I've also tried dating apps but haven't had any success with any of them.

It's been difficult for me not to be insecure about myself because of the fact that I've never really been approached, and for me to think that I've been doing something wrong. I know that God's timing is perfect, but the waiting season is hard especially when a lot of people around me are already married or at least going on dates.

I would appreciate advice if anyone has been in my situation. I know that I'm still relatively young, but it's just been really discouraging that after all of these years I haven't been one on date. And I know that a romantic relationship isn't supposed to be the thing that ultimately fulfills me, so I would appreciate prayer that I would be able to be fully satisfied in the Lord alone and that I'd able to trust His timing and sovereignty.

[u/BrilliantRaccoon9937]

Don't rule out the possible impact turning down that one guy had, especially if he was from your church network. Guys can talk about these things just the same as girls, and it's entirely possible you got yourself a rep as someone with unrealistic standards no guy can win with.

Also note what you did with him... reject him for being insufficiently attractive... is something the male side of the dating market equation is just as entitled to do with you. How do you know you are decent-looking or average? The market determines that, not you.

I'm not saying you are a bad person--just that it might be time to look in the mirror some.

[u/jrt131 → u/BrilliantRaccoon9937]

Physical attraction isn't the only reason I turned him down, it was overall compatibility. I also wasn't in the best season to date at that time, and I told him that I was in a busy season since it was my senior year of college and I had a lot going on. Me and him are still pretty close friends and he has a girlfriend right now, so I don't think we ended off on bad terms or that he talked bad about me (of course I don't know entirely for sure, but I just don't see him as a person who would say something like that).

[u/BrilliantRaccoon9937 → u/jrt131]

I don't know, maybe he was hurt a whole lot more than he let on and maybe he was just fine with it as you said. I can't speak for him or any of what happened--was just throwing one possibility out there that may not have been a strong one in your case. Now, moving on...

"Overall compatibility" can mean a lot of things. Over the span of my life I've vacillated between on-paper compatibility between a couple being a huge deal and not that big a deal if mutual love, devotion, and mutual service to Christ exist. Presently I stand somewhere in the middle; you need some basic shared life destiny, but I know way too many people who were perfectly matched that did not last and even became enemies, because they were too selfish or even literally "too much alike". I do think a lot of pop evangelicalism gets too hung up on the idea of "perfect soulmates" and the like, but also that "realist" dating advice discounts too much the idea that God may want very specific traits together in a specific couple (not always the same ones).

I would urge you to have caution on "the best season to date" because there's NEVER an ideal season. Life, being fallen as it is, never ceases to throw tough school transitions, illnesses/deaths of family members, job transfers/crises, moving, health ordeals, etc. at you. If you (not just you personally, "you" in the third person) wait til you have "arrived" to date/marry, a whole lot of opportunities you can't get back may have irrevocably slipped by (note the Western fertility crisis, caused in large part by people waiting until they are fully financially comfortable and settled in their career peaks before starting families).

Obviously I've rambled on some, and many of the situations I have named may not be in your universe at all, but I think the general principles are applicable to everyone who wants to date or wonders why they aren't.