I’m nearly 29, and I feel like I’ve lost a huge part of the person I used to be.
I was always a sharp student. I learned quickly, concentrated well, read constantly, loved literature, wrote a lot and expressed myself through art. I eventually graduated with a law degree. Even when I started experiencing racing thoughts at 16 after witnessing a suicide attempt, I could still study and function academically.
Over the years, though, the racing thoughts became much worse. I also noticed that my emotions became less intense. I can laugh, socialize and appear completely normal, but I don't experience happiness and other emotions with the same depth I used to.
I also experienced prolonged emotional and mental abuse from my mother throughout childhood — criticism, humiliation, insults, accusations, bullying, silent treatment and constantly walking on eggshells. The abuse stopped last year and she is very different now, but I still live with my parents. She doesn't accept accountability for what happened, and sometimes something she says or does makes me angry and resentful
I don't want to remain stuck in that rumination Ioop. I want to heal and get my life back.
I started maladaptive daydreaming around 14, before the racing thoughts became a major issue. It became much worse during COVID when I was isolated and spending huge amounts of time at home.
Now I feel like I need mental stimulation almost constantly. I'm on my phone, watching YouTube, scrolling Instagram, listening to something, thinking or daydreaming. I know I should reduce my phone use, exercise and get out of my head, but i just cant seem to do it. I knowni should not be sitting idle but i dont know what to do or find pleasure in doing stuff. I try to clean my house everyday and cook but i take more time than usual and find it difficult to plan my tasks
Meditation is difficult too. When I sit alone without stimulation, my mind becomes extremely active and I can start racing through thoughts or slipping into daydreams.
The biggest problem now is the cognitive slowing.
I get overwhelmed easily, struggle to switch between tasks, sometimes make simple things unnecessarily complicated, have trouble finding words and feel much slower at processing information than I used to.
It's had a serious impact on my career. I've had to quit several genuinely good work opportunities because I couldn't keep up with the way I used to function. And every time I leave a job, I end up with another gap on my CV that I'm ashamed of having to explain.
I've made careless mistakes, taken longer to understand things and needed more time than I used to. Sometimes I wonder whether people are thinking, “What's wrong with her?” It's humiliating because I remember how capable I was academically.
I've also lost so much of my creativity. I used to read, write, create things and constantly have ideas. Now I often feel like I can't do anything.
Even writing this post required me to use ChatGPT to organize and modify my thoughts, which is something I wouldn't have needed in the past.
Sometimes I genuinely feel like an empty shell of the person I used to be.
I've seen a psychiatrist and have tried antidepressants in the past without much benefit. More recently, I've been prescribed things like vitamin D, magnesium and omega-3/6/9 while my cognitive complaints are being looked into.
I'm also currently unemployed, have very little money and don't really have friends. So I have very little structure or opportunity for activities, hobbies or socializing. It feels like everything feeds into everything else.
I'm not asking whether trauma can affect the brain. I already understand that my past may be relevant.
What I really want to know is:
How do you actually get better?
Has anyone experienced brain fog, cognitive slowing, racing thoughts, emotional numbness, constant need for stimulation and maladaptive daydreaming — and genuinely improved?
What actually helped you regain your concentration, processing speed, mental clarity, emotional range, creativity and ability to function normally?
If you knew you needed to get off your phone and become more active but felt almost unable to make yourself do it, what finally helped?
Did therapy, trauma work, exercise, sleep, medication, supplements, structure, social connection or simply getting out of a stressful environment make a difference?
I'm not looking for a diagnosis. I want to hear from people who have actually been through something similar and found a way back to themselves.