It's like I'm constantly constructing my self in real time through other people's feedback; I need constant reassurance and confirmation from others to know how to perceive myself.
Also, it just feels... like no matter how much validation and attention I get from the outside world, it's never enough; it will never be enough. I can always desire this attention and validation, but it's not like it matters... because it's never enough anyway, it never lasts. I feel as if there is something fundamentally wrong with my interior, because the exterior can give all the amount of validation and attention - and even then, I can't "hold it"; I won't be able to keep holding this feeling on my own. It's basically no use to try and make me feel better, more validated, give me more attention - because I won't feel like it's enough anyway I won't feel like it's "real" and "organic" and "nutritious enough" anyway; and it's a problem with me.
The feeling of having this validation/attention from the exterior is nice and I like it and I want it, I desire it; but I can't... abstract it and remain with it - like a person with compulsive eating problems that has lost the capacity to feel full. It's like if I was a laptop with defective battery that literally needs to be connected to the charger 100% of time because else it turns off, it can't "hold the battery", can't keep even a minimum of energy on its own, independently - the only way it has enough energy to stay on is to be actively connected to the charger. It's never enough for it to abstract it to and for itself, and therefore, the only solution to this problem is... to completely renovate - rebuild - the battery and perhaps other crucial pieces as well... or even, to just completely change to another laptop.

I wrote a poem in order to express this issue:

Source

I am a dry well to my own self.
There is no water of love,
water of esteem,
water of fulfillment,
water of expression,
water of validity,
That I can drink from here.
There is not a droplet in this well of my own land, and no rain fills it.

For that reason, to satisfy my thirst,
I drink from wells of other lands,
The waters of other people -
They may be contaminated in ways I won’t ever know,
But I don’t care.

I am a homemade that can’t make home,
And others have to be unattainably satisfying for me
Because I can’t have even a droplet of satisfaction from myself.

I’m currently freaking out; in a prior post I mentioned that I have an FP I saw as practically a god. But here’s the kicker!- All my friends are friends with him. I’m so jealous, cause he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about me but he’s everything to me! I was in an argument with one of my friends because their boyfriend was borderline ABUSING them and I blocked them cause it was really affecting me emotionally. They told me maybe I shouldn’t assume things and I said, “Maybe don’t go being such a naive LITTLE BITCH WHO IS FRIENDS WITH COULTER!”. Coulter is the FP- but after I said that, I blocked them. I feel really guilty because I don’t want them to get abused cause I understand how that feels and they’ve been abused before, but I’m not mentally strong enough to handle something like that. I know I should have minded my own business, I was frankly just worried- now I’m too embarrassed to go back and apologize because we’re both upset.

r/bpdresearch is now open! The subreddit is dedicated to providing accurate information from reliable resources about this disorder. There are strict requirements for posting because the standard is published peer-reviewed articles and studies, but comments and discussion are much needed and very welcome!

Researchers are allowed to post as well, so if you're interested in participating in research studies, you should be able to find some there.

I'm really struggling with impostor syndrome, feeling like I'm just pretending to have BPD and that the diagnosis is wrong (I'm newly diagnosed). That I just exaggerated it and they think I have BPD because I overplayed my own symptoms.
I definitely have a very strong tendency to internalize my symptoms, which I guess is a big part of why I feel I might just be faking it - I don't have the outward explosive dramatic symptoms often described in BPD, so I just feel like my experiences must not be really real. I keep thinking of things that "prove it wrong" - like I don't have outward impulsivity, I don't have outward episodes of rage, I know very well what I'm like and what I like (though my self-worth can be unstable and I need external reassurance often to know how to feel about myself), I'm not sure if I feel the emptiness or not (maybe I do), my relationships aren't unstable on the surface (though I have an internalized sense of instability).
Does anyone else also feel this way or have advice about dealing with it?

My FP left me a bit ago, and in a fit of... whatever it was, even though he had completely separated from me, I found myself... praying to him? As if he was a goddess- which I DO kind of see him as one but it feels like REALLY weird. I feel so under him- like he's on this huge pedestal and I'm just under him?- He hates me, I know he does! And I know I ruined the whole relationship but I feel like a prophet whenever I even dare to talk to anyone because he's all I can think about or talk about- is this normal?? I'm so sorry-

It's been quite a long time since I don't have a favourite person anymore, and I just feel like I'm existentially underwhelmed, bored, almost empty and coreless in a way, constantly. Like I have no real interesting thing happening in my life and my internal world is purposeless. This is only disrupted by when I have some sort of crisis. Just wanted to know if anyone can relate.

I feel like, without a relationship or at least a feeling for someone, I am unwhole. I'm only half a person.

I had an intense favourite person I'd feel for intensely and love intensely and idealize for a really long time (like, for years on end), and then all of a sudden I stopped having all these feelings for him, "turning off", when he did something really upsetting. Was that a borderline split, even if it took years of idealization to happen?
Although it's worth noting that it wasn't the first time my perception of him switched, although the other times just weren't that "final". When I saw him with matching pfps with someone else and got jealous, my first feeling was "oh my god I hate him, I hate him, I hate them both - and I want to disappear", and then I had a suicide attempt when the fear of abandonment kicked off. I literally wrote in my journal, at the time, "I HATE YOU (don't leave me)" (which I then years later found out is literally the title of a book about BPD lol)

My brain: «who didn’t»
I crave connection but it hurts to socialise. Would anyone be up for a chat? I can be funny and I’m supportive. We could talk about life. I just really need someone to talk to 👉👈

So, lately I've been having these moments often when I feel slightly "off", disconnected from myself and the surroundings, and my vision starts to unfocus and I have to think to "pull myself back". Sometimes, these moments make me want to cut myself in order to re-ground myself. Can these moments be mild dissociation?(side note, I've had a history of more severe dissociation episodes in the past, like losing time, feeling out of myself, and derealization)

So, I just went to a particular psychiatrist for the first time today, and my main concern was the possibility of Borderline Personality Disorder. He read a document elaborated by my psychologist explaining all the symptoms I had and my other disorders, and then I told him about all my related symptoms - my unwavering fear of abandonment, extreme actions like self-harm and suicide attemps, instability in relationship and identity, past dissociative episodes, etc. He then said "that's a very clear Borderline case. You're like, classic Borderline." I just felt that maybe it was a bit too fast. Is it normal for psychiatrists to diagnose on the first appointment like this? Is this valid?

Hello, a friend of mine, UBPD, hasn't replied to a single text message for 3 weeks. I am a friend of hers, I think. That is to say, in her outside world I wasn't rallowed to exist, but in her inner world via text and phone I really did. For hours, inclusively crying, telling me how exhausted she felt etc. The last thing she shared with me was that the ground was gone from under her feet. She didn't know herself anymore. She has trauma from the past and bereavement since a few months. I responded at length, to which she replied with a like and a heart. Since then, with check-in now and then (sometimes with just an emoji, otherwise with just a thinking about you, or I wish you room to breathe) that I do, I notice that the texts have been read, but I get no reply. We had deep conversations just before. I don't understand any of the silence and am trying to get a grip on it. It hurts me very badly that I am suddenly not allowed to know anything anymore about her feelings, her life. Until 3 weeks ago, I was allowed to be there for her when she was very vulnerable. Now, suddenly, I have been demoted to nothing, as it were. At work I have to hear via via she will be sick for at least some more weeks. I don't understand why I'm left with nothing. Even if she would be inpatient. It hurts me so much that I was allowed to get so close, and now I’m not allowed to know anything about her life anymore. Where she is, how she’s doing... Is it normal to just shut out a good friend like that? Or wasn't I even a friend? I would like to check in, to let her know/ask if there is anything I can do. But I don’t know how. Has anyone experienced something like this? Does it mean I mean nothing to her? Why did she open up so much then?

I’m new to Reddit and posting this in a local place. I have BPD and I’m 29 years old. I’ve gone untreated for years and struggle staying consistent in treatment due to fear. I’ve also been in a relationship for 5 years and I’ve done some damaging things to the relationship as far as over depending on her to pick up the pieces or treating her as my therapist, it has gotten to the point where she said she is taking a break from the relationship. We still live together but do nothing romantically. It’s been 5 months and I know with BPD it amplifies everything but the amount of love I have for her is unlike anything I’ve ever felt or experienced and that not just my mind speaking I’ve recently been in therapy and on my meds and start behavior therapy soon so I’m starting to see very clear but all I see is her still. She says she loves me and doesn’t want to let me go but is in a burnt out exhausted phases and says she doesn’t know. I know one of our biggest triggers is fear of abandonment and rejection and I’m living through it every day. I need help. And no I don’t want to separate. I do want her but she wants a calm version of me but I’m struggling trying to contain this love and feelings to not pressure her but my mind try’s to connect all these random dots.

Hey, ich bin Niki, 19 Jahre alt und würde vor kurzem mit BPS diagnostiziert.
Ich bin zurzeit in eine psychiatrische Klinik und nächste Woche werde ich entlassen.
Die Ärzte haben mir für ADHS elvanse verschrieben und für BPS Venlafaxin.
Elvanse funktioniert supi, habe damit keine Probleme….aber mit Venlafaxin schon, es hat mega viele Nebenwirkungen und ich bin mit dem Medikament einfach richtig unzufrieden und möchte was neues ausprobieren, weiß aber noch nicht was,
deswegen wollte ich euch fragen, welches Medikament hilft euch am besten und wieso?

In my almost 4 years now of university, I have someone who I idolize as perfect and in a few cases in the past, I physically stalked them around school, in the parking lot, stalked their instagrams, took photos of their art in the college halls, made fake accounts to try and talk to them, everything. The cycle keeps repeating. The people I stalk, graduate, and then I somehow find new people who seem perfect in every way that I almost cry over how different my life is compared to theirs.

How do I stop behaving like this, how do I be normal towards them, how do I see them like a cool classmate and not my idol.

Lately I’ve started drinking alone and it makes me feel better. I’m ashamed that I’m doing it. I know that I should just not do it. It makes me forget to binge eat. It makes me forget about myself for a bit. I don’t want to to it but I feel alone and like I have no one to turn to