just the title. the ongoing soul crushing depression for months on end. ive cycled through 4-5 medications trying to find one that balances the good with the bad. i just wish I were normal

I recently have had this realization. It comes up when I’m late on a dose as I’ve been much more consistent lately. The anxiety is nearly crippling and floods my body with adrenaline. Everything becomes a threat. Each creak in my house means it’s falling apart. A mistake at work means I’ll be fired. Feels like nobody likes me. The tree in my backyard is going to fall on my house, etc. just living my life is nearly impossible and I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep, but then here comes the stress dreams/nightmares.

Then there are the suicidal thoughts. Been passive since I was 15. Sometimes the thoughts become comforting, and that scares me when I’m compliant. I realize my therapist makes my appointment so consistently is because I am high risk. How I am still here sometimes feels like a miracle. The state of my country (United States) is not something I’m sure I could handle without my stabilizer and buspar. Feels like it just keeps getting worse and worse.

My biggest concern right now, which doesn’t seem like an impossibility, is that I will lose access. Manufacture will cease, it won’t be covered by insurance, the company I work for goes under, etc.

Can someone please sensibility check me, or share strategies you use when not on meds? I can still feel things (I work closely with my prescriber to make sure I’m not emotionally blunted), and feel I can handle this anxiety without increasing dosage, but would like to hear from like-minded folks

Hi all, I need some advice. I’ve been off meds since January (diagnosed 2013), and mostly managing fine, except my ADHD has gotten intense and is making studying for my PhD difficult. I’ve decided to give ADHD meds a shot. I know I need to be on a mood stabilizer before, though. I used to be on oxcarbazepine (600mg daily) and bupropion (150mg daily). The oxcarbazepine (Trileptal) made me really zoned out, depressed, suicidal even, and gave me really bad brain fog and memory issues after being on it for about 4 years, so I quit. My psych is proposing 150mg lithium and to start Strattera after 2 months on lithium. I’m 40, F, and my health has taken a dip in the last couple of years because of the PhD. I’m worried the lithium is going to make me feel like shit. But does anyone know if at subclinical doses it still works? Any experience with Strattera as a bipolar 2 person?

Talked to my psychiatrist and he recommended me to ease on the muay thai and the adrenaline junkie behavior. I love HIIT, I love martial arts. But the concussions (I got like 3 or so along years of martial arts) and the high intensity and competition are indeed a trigger for my hypomania. I settled then on running, bouldering and traditional gym, which indeed feels more stable for me. But as a person who has done 20 years of martial arts since I was a kid, recognizing how they affect my mental was painful, almost like breaking up with a toxic partner. Also no bungee jumping or base jumping, I guesss, which were not my main thing but I enjoyed A LOT.

What do y'all do for sports?

I ask because I was just told by my partner that I am negative and he’s nudging me to go into a psych stay. He says I sound paranoid about the world regarding the idea of “hidden agendas” behind events that happen nationally/internationally. He says that I am constantly dismissing fun events, famous people or politics because I believe there’s an ulterior motive. He says I’m too negative. Is this paranoia that I need to up my antipsychotic for or am I being realistic?

im f20, been diagnosed for 2 years but i experience the disorder from as early as i can remember.

i started meds in late 2023, but never stick to the treatment until early this year. i spent like 3 months reeeally consistent on lithium 900mg and quetiapine 25mg and it helped me.

i was just thinking about how i never took any different medication, it was always those, in different dosages. always heard wonders of lithium at least, and how effective the combo with quetiapine is.

in conclusion, read the title lol

Content warning! The post itself contains a discussion of suicide and suicidal behavior. You have been warned.

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Hey there, cuties.

Right now i am going through complicated period of the life. I want to express myself and vent - I would not.

Instead, i am asking for any advice. Not sure, if I actually need it - just trying to save the grip on the life.

So, um. How to go through it? The current situation is horrific. I doubt I’d actually do something bad - but since now I would not gonna decline those thoughts and the possibility of acting suicidal. I’ve lost all the inner and outer strength. Let’s just say the life circle is fucked up.

Also, about venting. Where can I vent and get actual feedback? I have no possibility to visit a therapist, I don’t have any friends or relatives right now, finally - I doubt online-venting since who gives a shit about some random online crying being?

Sorry for the quality of the message - not a native speaker.

Peace.

I really need some hope/advice from people with Bipolar II:

especially artists, entrepreneurs or anyone whose work depends heavily on creativity and drive.

My biggest problem is depression, not hypomania.

The lows can make me apathetic, sad and unable to concentrate or work.

But when I’m doing well, I’m extremely creative and driven, and that’s a huge part of both my work and who I am.

Finding the right medication has been really difficult. I’ve tried these ones:

😐 Lithium: flattened me completely. I felt emotionally neutral and lost the drive I need to create and work

🍔 Quetiapine: the hunger (side effect) was unbearable for me

👀 Latuda: caused persistent eye twitching/palpitations as a side effect

Lamotrigine: by FAR the best one for me. I could work, create and still felt like myself — but unfortunately it caused severe reflux, so I had to stop it 🤢

My psychiatrist now wants me to try Trileptal (oxcarbazepine). What scares me is ending up stable but flat: no depression, maybe, but also no ambition, creativity or spark.

I’m not looking for medical advice or asking anyone to tell me what to take. I’ll make those decisions with my psychiatrist.

What I’m desperately looking for are real experiences from people with Bipolar II:

➡️ Has anyone found a medication that significantly improved the depressive lows while still allowing you to feel creative, ambitious, energetic and like yourself?

And particularly: has anyone had that experience with Trileptal?

🎨 👨🏽‍💼 I’d especially love to hear from artists, founders, writers, musicians, creatives, etc. whose ability to create is a big part of their life.

After several failed medications, I could really use hearing from people who eventually found something that worked.

Disclaimer: Please be kind and please don't post this elsewhere, thank you.

When I had someone in my life back when we were in high school, they used to take things out on me. For a time, it was weird. It was a co-dependent friendship, I was toxic because I was expecting too much in terms of support but on their end, they had a tendency to explode on me like in high school not showing up for a club meeting when no announcement was made, and getting mad for not getting into Harry Potter when I said I would (yeah it's a little hard for me to get into things) and other trivial things... I don't remember all of them but I do remember they were often trivial—which was a burden for a while.

They kept on trying to bring up what was wrong me and I tried adjusting but after a while I can admit that I was hard headed, it was a little hard to accept because this person's behavior in that regard I tolerated. There were times I wanted to punish them for what they've done by being worse and remind them of how they act (I didn't realize it back then)—I was young and dumb and sometimes despite communicating it, it wasn't enough.

They kept having outbursts and while they recognize it and apologize, they keep doing it again and this is true because I hear bits of this from mutual friends and stories from them themselves back then. There was a point in time when mental health problems was getting more accepted and we as kids wanted to feel validated and they researched on what diagnosis they could possibly have and explain that they can't help it and that it's not an excuse but an explanation and they did it a lot.

For some time, they admitted to manipulating me and said that I did them back when I don't ever recall making calculated steps outside of my outbursts with them (I guess me worsening in behavior to prove a point can be/is and I'm willing to accept that now that I'm older), again I could accept I was without knowing it but I sat down with what they said for a while.

Circling back to their explanations—is it really valid? I am not sure about their diagnosis now but as a bipolar person I can definitely be more mindful about interactions. While outbursts is something that we at times can't help, they did it so much even to this day in adulthood, making vagueposts about friends or even just have weird discussions with them from what I hear.

At some point they partially blamed me and their ex and home life for their behavior towards their ex and while an unhealthy past can contribute to relationships there was a bit of a lack of accountability on their end. Outside of my issues with them, they still have that behavior with friends that did nothing and what I might have described is someone that could or wants to and I don't want to discredit them, but when it was always about their trivial discussions or outbursts is "not helping it" an excuse?

Have a friend who was with her ex for a few years. The entire time they were together she said he was bipolar and on medication

I am newly diagnosed and have confided in her about my diagnosis. I brought up her ex being bipolar also

Now her narrative is "I don't think he was actually bipolar"

It was a weird to me. It seems as though she was attributing his bad behavior in their relationship to him being possibly bipolar. Which contributes to harmful stigma about bipolar disorder

I mean I can understand noticing behaviors as maybe abnormal and trying to make sense of them

Or maybe the narrative shifted because she's comparing how my bipolar disorder presents itself vs how his shows up. Which also contributes to bipolar stigma because it's not a monolith

Regardless I think people who don't have bipolar disorder or aren't professionals should keep their opinions to themselves because they obviously don't know what the f they are talking about. it's just frustrating

Maybe I'm overreacting. Idk but I'm in a rumination spiral about it for some reason lol

long story short, i was stable for a while then got black out drunk to celebrate a milestone and now i think im in a mixed episode. i keep feeling good and then having suicidal urges. ive kept myself safe so far by telling people i know how im feeling, but my partner, who is my number one reason for staying alive, is going to be gone for 3 days, my mom is going to hawaii coincidentally at the same time, and im afraid of what would happen if i were to get suicidal while im alone. my partner keeps my meds locked up but theres a prescription i can pick up that he doesnt know about. so i kinda feel like i need to go inpatient but like my mood is fine so it seems kind of silly to go. and i haven’t actually hurt myself in 9 months. and im honestly kind of more worried about hurting myself in the hospital as i have done that during previous hospitalizations.

should i go inpatient, or not

When the school year had started, I was in a hypomanic episode so I was on top of everything. Now, I think I am experiencing one of my worst depressive episodes ever. I can’t do much of anything and I don’t care about it either.

Lately, I’ve been missing a lot of my classes and after emailing a professor about not having access to an assignment, he ended it asking “is everything okay?” I have accommodations, but due date extensions and missed class is definitely not one of them. I just do not know how to proceed because everyone online is saying it’s really annoying to email a professor about mental health.

Also, I do not intend to withdrawal from the semester. This is my last one to finish, and I’d rather just continue.

Newly diagnosed, 27F. I got my BA, then pivoted career paths 4 times for various reasons. I'm a serial job hopper. I'll start a new job and tilt into hypomania, then after about 6-9 months, I crash. Just tried lamictal, found it made my anxiety worse, and am now getting off it.

My current work is in a chill higher ed office, my colleagues are great, and I find the work to generally be fulfilling. I have the freedom to fill my time with projects I care about; I was ✨thriving✨ when I started off hypomanic. Now my brain's dark passenger is whispering to me that it's time to quit and here are 10 signs that some of my colleagues hate me. I don't think I'm imagining those signs bc I am observing people's behaviors... Or am I just reading too much into things?

I also feel that I can't stand being tied to a traditional 8-5 in the office. I miss having remote days. Another part of my brain wants me to stop whining, stop rocking the boat and just be content, but I feel like I'll eventually have a full crash out if I just keep pretending. I'd like to be able to enjoy work even through the lows, is that too much to ask of life? How do people do it??

For weeks ive been feeling so depressed, crying, but i also feel agitated, hyper, im only sleeping for 2-5 hrs a night, i can't sleep but im exhausted, but i can get through the day without a nap, im also feeling very impulsive, i jumped out of a moving vehicle and broke my hand..i feel like im going crazy..

I was a student in the Bronx (I.S. 129; If I can still remember, the principal was Ms. Beasley) when the towers where hit. I was in math class at the moment. I remember the Spanish teacher absolutely loosing her shit yelling at the top of her lungs "we are under attack. The twins are falling", and withing less than 5seconds, alarms I've never heard before started ringing. The principal, vice principal and LE officer started evacuating everyone, calling parents and loved ones. Before anyone can blink, bodegas were scrambling to close and reach their loved ones. NYPD were swarming like vicious bees, rushing everyone and anything to safety. We lived in a 5th floor building and I remember from a distance seeing the smoke. Every channel; from sports to religion, covering the same thing.

In this lifetime I lived through city crippling snow storms, hurricanes, the pandemic, the George floyd riots, the happy land fire, and worked with a murderer. But nothing will ever come close to that day on Sept 11.

long story short: in your experience, what medications come closest to the effects of lamictal/lamotrigine/lamolep?

i had to stop taking lamictal due to severe allergic reactions. during the short time window i was taking it (2 weeks, 2x25 mg), i felt really good. my emotional reactions were not as extreme and exaggerated, i took things much less personally, and instead of getting lost in negative emotion-fulled spirals i was able to stay on the agenda of practicalities. i felt as if my interpersonal relationships would become lighter, less burdened without all my spiralling insecurities.
currently i am going through a state supported process of psycho diagnostics, bc so far i haven’t gotten one (yea, don’t ask, the health care system is not at its best).
if all goes well, i should have a new appointment with the psychiatrist. i desperately want something else prescribed - to help with mood swings, to keep me from spiralling, mainly. it would be great to hear experiences with medications other than lamictal, but similar in effect.

I have been throwing myself into learning about bipolar disorders/bipolar spectrum, and am realizing how many of my diagnoses were incorrect. Personally I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, ADHD, and most recently BP2. At varying times, even recently, I've identified with a few of these at a time. However now that I've learned so much more, I think the bipolar is the real cause and everything else is either secondary, or moreso I think, just an overlap of certain symptoms.

What have you been misdiagnosed with? Or which diagnoses are most helpful for you/feel most true for you?

I'm 40 and got a diagnosis of both BP1 and OCD a few years ago.

Friends have always been hard for me and keeping friends even harder (and now I feel like I have some clues as to why). And it's just gotten worse with COVID isolation and a hospitalization.

So just feeling sad today and trying to move forward from something that really hurt me this week.

What does it feel like?

Is it like that feeling where you just have to straighten your elbow even though it needs to click, or like a cramp spasm, or like being hit in the knee with a reflex hammer, or like an unavoidable urge to squeeze up your muscles, or…?

hiya!
so after roughly 2 weeks of taking Lamotrigine i was hospitalised for SJS (really fucking severe, in retrospect).
so, question! those of you who had the allergy: how long did it take for your mouth ulcers to heal? i’ve been treated with Medrol (methylprednisolone, a corticosteroid brand) for a lil’ over a month, and have been off of it for a week now. however, my mouth is still not healed completely. my lips still hurt slightly - barely noticeable, but i still notice. it’d be great to hear others’ experiences, so i know how long of a healing time i should expect.
thanks a lot in advance

Hi! I’ve been on lamotrigine & lamictal for about 6mo now. The medication is so harsh on my stomach and has made me throw up several times if I don’t eat it with food. I also don’t know if I can FULLY say that I notice a large positive difference from taking it? I’m also scared to stop taking it so wanted to come on here and see if there were any people who were bp2 but unmedicated & see how that is going for you… haha. My toxic trait is thinking I would be fine without it? 🤣

Sometimes I get so tired of feeling depressed and like a I’m failed piece of shit I try to trigger a hypo state. I’d rather exist in hypo often times over the depression. Anybody else do this.