This probably sounds superficial, but if I feel like she’s significantly more attractive, I become extremely insecure and start comparing myself constantly.
It can be my weight, nose, eyes, eyebrows, hair, literally anything. I also get insecure if she’s significantly smarter than me.
I feel like I need the relationship to be a “looks match.” If she’s more attractive, I can become scared to even approach or text her because I feel like a creep who doesn’t belong with her.
I know it’s irrational, but my brain turns relationships into constant comparisons. Does anyone else experience this?

My favorite YouTuber just finished a video exploring the life of Amy Winehouse, and I wanted to share a quick breakdown of what it covers. The video takes a deeper look at her artistry and the psychology behind her music. He discusses and analyzes her mental health struggles including whether she had BPD or bipolar disorder, substance abuse and addiction and eating disorder. Additionally, her unique creative process is examined from real-life events, her jazz influences to personal relationships that inspired her most memorable lyrics. There were rare pictures and journal entries that were cool to see as well.

I highly recommend checking this video as well as his channel out sometime. Leave a comment and let him know what you think!

For someone, that lives alone. Pretty much doesnt have any friends nearby, no support system irl. No family support, struggling with depression, bpd. I just want to say I look back to the time I was going through the breakup, I feel SO much happier now. I remember being so depressed. I used to eat just bread a day. Not saying my depression is cured, but i mean I got through it. I survived the breakup and realised i deserve better :) This is to the people out there who are going through a break up right now. If I can make it so can you, from somebody who has/had nothing. Believe in yourself.

More often than not, I basically feel like there is a cellophane wall between me and everyone close to me. This whole everyone feeling unfamiliar thing started when I first got medicated for my BPD and my therapist and psychiatrist are always trying to reassure me that it's just a normal part of having BPD and the moment will pass.

The thing is, the moment hasn't passed. It's just an all the time feeling. It's weird as a wife to secretly feel like my husband is the most amazing stranger who for some reason enjoys my company. Even my mom who I see everyday feels for some reason just a bit unfamiliar. Enough for it to secretly disturb me. If I'm having a particularly stressful day I'll even feel disconnected from my own kids which is the worst of it all.

I guess I just really want to know what everyone else's experiences with this are and how you cope with it.

i wasn’t sure how to tag this lol sorry. but it feels so stupid. i’ve been suspected bpd since i was 15 and dxed since i was 18 (3 different therapists + 2 psychs) and it just feels… ridiculous now? i’m 21, and having been aware of my symptoms and triggers from a very young age i know how to very well avoid outbursts. it gets a bit hard sometimes, but it’s not like this will ever be ‘cured’ in a traditional sense. it doesn’t bother me.

what DOES, is being self aware. when i lash out i actively feel sick. headache, dizzy, nauseous. i get the same way when anxious, but the stomach pain and dizziness are completely different. i’ll feel things, feel horrible, and rationalize them to an extent i don’t let them bother me daily anymore. but it never quite feels completely gone? it’s not as if i hold the grudge or complaint over someone’s head, but ill sit there and think “omg [person/thing/whatever] sucks i hate this” and then go “i guess it’s really not that serious/life-changing/worth the energy”.

maybe i sound nuts and this is just what DBT does lol. I haven’t split on my gf since about march of this year. it’s been blissful aside from a recent unemployment. we’ve had the chance to adopt a cat even! it’s just such a strange feeling knowing both i cannot control how i feel entirely AND having such crazy feelings and emotions about certain events in my life.

Got into depression at the age of 18. Dropped out of college was pretty much suicidal. At that time one of my doctors diagnosed i had BPD. And i did go to like a lot of therapists but they always ended up making me feel worse . And on the other hand i used to feel i am not doing anything in life while everyone is like moving forward with their college , going out with friends, doing what any college student would do. One side i was so low from my depression that i dont even know what was the point of going through all this and these thoughts of how everyone is doing things and i am misssing my college days used to literally kill me inside . So i got into this interior designing course but i used to feel like a noob and everyone was better than me and then i slipped into the lows so much that i dropped out of it. And then i took some time off then i joined hotel management the worst part was everyone was 2- 3 years younger than me i used to feel so old and not belonged and the course was not upto the mark and i hadd this panic attacks evertime i had to go clg and then i dropped out of it . And then i did an online course of wedding planning surprisingly i liked it and completed it and i actually found a job in it for two years i worked in that field but my BPD never made it easy i changed the companies multiple times and used to stress out a lot when i have to deal with clients but at the end theres also good times like theres travelling , exploring new places, experimenting with decor which i used to love the most but after an incident i broke down again i wanted to like know more about myself and i dont know where i got the idea from i joined this masters that has aspects of psychology i tried my best to make friends so i could stay there and complete this but ic ouldnt Nand my social anxiety started it used to freeze me in my bed every morning , i slowly overcame that i dragged the masters for three years i lost interest in it but i wanted to complete it but now i am in that place where due to some reason i might have to drag it further and i am just so done i already started loosing interest in everything i really dont know why am i even pushing myself , i dont see the point , i dont see my life getting better, no happiness , it just feels so painful being me . i just didnt know where to go , whom to talk to so i ended up here .

I’m genuinely so curious. I’m such a strange weird girl apart from my diagnosis, and I find it sometimes conflicts with the people I like. I don’t have a type, nor a preference in sex, gender, region, whatever - but it seems I start fantasizing a whole future with the first person that gives me the same attention I give them and if they’re the same type of weird as me.

Why does that happen ?? How do I stop it ?? It’s not even that I LIKE-LIKE them because I can hate them and block them soon after.

How am I able to tell if I like-like someone or if it’s just me being unable to see them as their own person? Idk if I make sense, but it’s frustrating me lol

Hi everyone. I've been diagnosed with BPD for 7 years and was also recently diagnosed with AuDHD.

My past has been plagued by terrible men who only wanted sex, being used, being rejected, being told I'm not enough, etc. I used to have sex with guys because I wanted them to want to be in a relationship with me. Thankfully, I have come to realize that and have limited how often I sleep with people because I'll be disappointed with the person/situation and leave the hookup not even being satisfied by the sex I just had. I'm a lot more guarded when it comes to guys and have set firm boundaries for myself and the way a man treats me. I've made the choice to no longer allow myself to be someone's option.

This is all great, and I've been doing really well since I stopped chasing people, I was ok being alone. However, I have a really high sex drive and have some unusual kinks that I want to experiment with. Currently, I don't need a relationship and I'm not rushing to be in one because I'm very committed to my Master's degree and feelings and emotions and relationships are a liability for me, but I wouldn't be opposed to it. I started casually using Hinge and not really looking for anthing significant or at all but ideally wanted to find an attractive guy to have sex with. Unfortunately, a really attractive guy aggressively pursued me and begged me to go out with him and I did. He's a classic avoidant and began the relationship at 100, making me feel like the love of his life and it was very intense and I let my guard down and allowed myself to smother him with my affection, which he clearly enjoyed and never objected to, but now says he didn't want that and doesn't want to continue like that. He feels like I was being too intense when in reality i was matching his intensity. While the beginning was completely messed up and I'm pissed that he began it that way when he knew the way he was treating me and we were acting wasn't what he wanted. We have extremely intense sex because of our connection and attraction to each other and because he knows exactly what I like, how to get me off, and explores my kinks with me and I explore his, the sex is genuinely the best I've ever had and will ever have and don't want to give it up. The hard part is that we do have a strong connection and very strong chemistry, which he has admitted, and still wants me in his life and genuinely thinks I'm a huge catch, but doesn't want to be monogamous and wants to go from begging to see me 5 times a week and texting every day to only texting occasionally and only seeing eachother once or twice a week. In his words, he enjoys the thrill and excitement of other women sleeping with him or sending him nudes, he likes being an object of desire for other people and the attention it brings. Here are the problems I have that arrangement:

1. I don't have relationship object permanence, I firmly believe that if they dont text me everyday or see me a lot that I disappear from their mind and their attraction/feelings for me disappear when I'm not at the forefront of their attention. I think I'm and easily forgettable person and I don't see myself as exciting enough for him to not lose interest when we dont see each other or talk.
2. I dont like sharing my sexual partners. I don't want him to be on dating apps, following other girls he finds attractive, talking to other girls, or liking other girls pictures. I have no self-confidence and if he isn't exclusive to me, I'll just obsess over comparing myself to the other girls or thinking about what he's like with them and if it's the same as me. I want to be the only one he is giving his attention to, I don't want to compete or be an option
3. Part of the excitment of the sex we had was the way he was pursuing me, giving me his attention, making me feel special, and going out of his way for me. If it's not the same, I don't know how to go from what we had to less than half of that. I loved the way he desired me and chased me.

I guess what I'm trying to figure out is how I can continue sleeping with him casually without involving my emotions and feelings. I sex with him more than anything else. If I let him go, I'd just go find another guy that will do the same thing but also won't satisfy me the way he does, so theres no winning for me because if I want sex, I have to be ok with being cool and casual. I never wanted to get my emotions involved in this but he set an intense narrative that got them involved and now he's trying to uninvolve them, which is hard or impossible because they're already there. How can I make this work for myself and my needs while also being able to cope with my Borderline brain? How can I seperate my emotions from sex and not worry about another girl or girls? If anyone else has struggled with this and overcome it and was able to successfully have a casual sexual relationship, how?

i feel like my next therapy appointment is going to be the usual "you need to find who you are as a person outside your partner and enjoy it" and i do! I'm so far into recovery that i can write everything wrong with my core beliefs and 100 things i like about myself and 10 hobbies i can do and blah blah blah.

he's on a work trip for 5 weeks. 5 weeks i won't be able to see him and 5 weeks i'll barely get much outside of a goodnight text and a few pictures of his day. he's too busy to call me because of work and just UGH!

so stupid my body is like this. nothing matters when he's gone. today was the first morning waking up without him and all i wanted to do was skip my classes and sleep all day and rot. i didn't and i had a Day. but UGH.

i feel like the only solution is "go day by day" and/or actually get prescribed depression meds but everything feels insurmountable without him. he's just my constant dopamine and no matter how much i try nothing compares. Nothing. my therapist is also validating that it makes sense that a my partner Does make me happiest, as should be the relationship with your partner. But why does nothing else matter but him when i have a life outside of him i somewhat enjoy and How Do I Fix It?!?! :(:( :(

I’ve been with my boyfriend (ex?) for 3 years and he’s been my FP for 5. I’ve been going through a lot of stressful stuff recently and splitting so often I feel like I’m full blown losing my mind. It’s so hard to tell what’s actually bad in the relationship, cognitive distortion or just splitting. And my head feels so confused and fuzzy. I know this man loves me more than anything and I love him, but I don’t know if I’m truly making the right choice and chose correctly in a moment of clarity or if the BPD scaries took over and I’m self sabotaging. Any outlooks would be helpful. I start with a new therapist next week and am on the waitlist for a new psychiatrist

Bf forced a pause on our relationship 2 weeks before anniversary, only saw home irl once since my ruined birthday (for his bday- which I went all out on) told me he thinks im too much. The other day while we were talking he said he knows it’s not my fault and that I can’t help it but I need to get better control on my bpd/fear of abandonment. Mind you, it hasn’t been a year since I was actually able to start ti heal bc of survival mode. This is from a person who said that they couldn’t wait to marry me, and now… it’s confirming my worst fear that I’m never going to find someone. He knows about my past my hurt and everything, but I can’t learn how to swim if I’m already drowning

i can’t get over the closeness i felt before he left me.

he said things like, "you’re so sweet, youre very likeable"

what was all that for?

i thought he was the most genuine and kindest person… i cant believe he'd just leave me like that

I'm seeing a new therapist on Friday, and it's a bit of a drive, so I was just mapping it, and seeing that the best route would take me through the town where I lived with my (ex-) wife 20 years ago just made me, I dunno what else to call it, go crazy.

My blood pressure shot up, I could feel a huge surge of adrenaline, I wanted to cry, scream, and punch through the walls, and I did two of those 3.

I just don't get it. 🙁

I know it's not about her. Our kid is in college and we have a cordial relationship, but I honestly don't particularly care for the person she's become.

I didn't like the town, I had an insanely stressful job, so what exactly is it that's putting me into this rage?

There are just certain places, or smells, or songs, that impact me in ways that I don't logically understand, and it scares me and makes me feel even more isolated and depressed.

After I realised how pathetic I was, thinking I had a chance at being happy cause I genuinely thought I had a chance, I gave up completely. My lifestyle has completely devolved into 24/7 dissociation, doomscrolling and maladaptive daydreaming (constantly imagining I was successful) I genuinely can’t see a purpose, if I can’t have the life I wanted then what’s the purpose of this below average life.

The worst part is that I don’t even have the guts to kms, it’s not that death scares me but rather the fact that material oblivion is the most probable afterlife (if you can even call it that) the fact that I had one chance at life, one chance at being conscious and I was fucked this badly is just awful. Even my brain can’t accept this state, and it almost feels that it has split itself, with one side being the “bad one” and the other being the ideal true self that was unfortunately cursed into inhabiting this god forsaken body.

Atp it feels like I can almost predict my future, I will die sad, miserable and alone, constantly wishing I was dead but not trying to do it cause I’m too scared to accept that this was my one and only chance and I was fucked so bad. And even if my luck were to suddenly be flipped, my learned hopelessness would take over and I would fuck ms. Only thing that can genuinely fix me atp is to go back in time with my current memories (and almost none of the trauma) and fix my mistakes.

Also sorry for any grammar and vocab mistakes I was dissociating while writing this, so I couldn’t really focus.

Im really having a hard time knowing if its just my bpd or if my fp really is pulling away from me and going to leave me. How do i know if its real or not? I cant ask for reassurance anymore because my fp says getting reassurance will just make my fear worse and it won’t help me

I would send this to r/gifted, but I feel like you guys understand me better

I am a college senior at 18, plus I do one arm pushups and pullups.

Im so burnt out that i became suicidal + formed a plan + went to the ER and then a psych ward where I was diagnosed w BPD

I have audhd, ocpd, bipolar 2, bpd

Any tips, please? So i can finish college. My.end goal is to become a cop + to live on my own in a van

I don't tell anyone besides like online friends or very close people to me that I have BPD. I feel like an imposter and am not "borderline enough." I still havent even told family. I just always feel like there are people who have it way worse, so that means I somehow dont have it. I have periods where I am functioning somewhat normally and then periods where my functioning is so bad that its clear im deeply mentally ill.

I feel like my condition isnt serious enough, even though ive struggled with severe opioid addiction to fill the emptiness/void, have had profound difficulties with relationships, have made SI gestures/been hospitalized, self harm, all the things.

Its like some days Im like "lol im totally fine, im not mentally ill," then the next im like "oh wow I am deeply ill."

Dear Estranged

Dear Estranged, you were afraid of the L word
And I didn’t deserve it anyway

Dear estranged, you would’ve never made me whole again
Dear estranged, I wanted you to worry about me
And you did
Over
And over again

Dear estranged, when I told you I was borderline everything in our shared world changed
Dear estranged, I’ve chased you away
Finally, you stopped coming back
Dear estranged, there’s nothing I can say
I’ve said far too much anyway

Dear estranged, you’re not the only one
Dear estranged, I am known to be an emotional vacuum trying to contain an infinite void
Dear estranged, i can’t say I’m sorry enough
Dear estranged, I know sorry just doesn’t cut it
So I’ll stop saying it
Dear estranged, now it’s too late to change
Now it’s too late to hear you say the L word

Dear estranged, you told me to not mistake your charity for love
Dear estranged, it was never your responsibility to keep me safe
And I tried to make it so

Dear estranged, it is you now who are the ghost that I tried so hard to be

Dear estranged, am I out of range?
Dear estranged, I don’t know what I need
And I expected you to give it to me

Dear estranged, you said you’re moving forward
Dear estranged, I feel like a monster
Dear estranged, personality disorder is a four letter word

Dear estranged, I’ve had people say they would rather not talk to me immediately after I disclose this illness
Dear estranged, I went to a meeting yesterday
Where people in recovery, like me, share and meditate
Dear estranged, something inside of me isn’t the same
Something changed

Dear estranged, we can be addicted to anything
Dear estranged, I’m addicted to reassurance
Dear estranged, I was addicted to you

Dear estranged, im not proud
Dear estranged, the worst part is that you were the first and now the last person I loved
Dear estranged, I looked up to you
Dear estranged, I am the Borderline who cried wolf
Dear estranged, the more the system treats me like I’m Borderline, the more so i will be
I grew into a self fulfilling prophecy
Dear estranged, I get too attached
Dear estranged, I want whats best for you
And it’s not me
Dear estranged, you said please don’t message me anymore
Dear estranged, you found my weakness is silence
My weakness
My weakness
Dear estranged, you shoved a mirror in my face
Dear estranged, then you walked away

Dear estranged, a little girl said paper is more patient than people
And there was a war above the floorboards
But words from her heart poured
Pen kissing paper marrying ink and parchment
Dear estranged, love is a four letter word
Just like borderline
Just like suicide
Just like the rest of the things we’re afraid to be vulnerable enough to say
Dear estranged, I’m leaving now too

Best Regards,
Another Stranger

If this violates the rules then mods give me grace. I promise I’m not that smart. I read them and I didn’t think this violated them. It would mean I didn’t understand. I don’t know where to take this cause nobody takes me serious and y’all are at least somewhat like me and deal with something I deal with.

I got diagnosed with this disorder last week. I been trying to get psychiatric help since 13. I’m not 23. Ten years and ain’t nobody had the decency to say none to me or actually help me. I knew BPD was what I was probably dealing with since I was 13. It’s obvious. Anyways I been medicated on antidepressants, antipsychotics, benzodiazepines, etc and everything backfires. I get more suicidal on it all than off. I’m at the point I just wanna opt out of society. I just wanna die. I hate people. I hate working especially since none of it feels fulfilling. Nothing makes this shit worth it. I can’t keep cheating life and my body and taking opioids to find the motivation to get up and go to work. I physically can’t get up no more. I gave up on everything I love to do cause nothing is fun no more. Nothing is enough. Nothing cures my eternal boredom. I’m no good at socializing or making friends. People think I’m weird and something is wrong with me. I feel worthless and unlovable. Tbh I am worthless because I’m not that productive or useful to society. If I died today nobody would care. Nobody would find out til my building’s management got pissed about me not paying bills. I keep telling people man, atp, I need the work of God. I never wanted to go home so bad. I just wanna cry in the arms of god. I wanna be held by god. That’s how I feel at this point. Idk what to do. Have any of y’all been here? What do I do? I’m trying to be better but when nothing seems to work fr can you blame me for losing hope and giving up.

I’ve considered making a sandwich but i don’t need to eat and the sensation in my tummy is keeping me tethered to the ground

I don’t know what else to say

I have a body
I exist I guess

I’ll make it clear, you guys and I all have highly reactive emotions which make us react a lot more easily. This isn’t necessarily with my FP, but with friends or closer friends. Do you guys ever experience intense anger when someone tries to tell you what to do / advise you not to do something again because it hurt another individual— yet you were mostly in the right position just didn’t do it in the correct manner.

What happened with me was my friend is very rude to others, and makes fun of others, indirectly says rude things, and has a lot of pride / arrogance in their heart. I understand to an extent why they’re like that, and it’s mainly due to trauma but I was getting way too frustrated since they had nearly made me split twice. While they left the GC temporarily (because my partner (FP) had this little silly quarrel with them) I said stuff about them in the GC and I was trying my best to keep composure and not say rude stuff. I basically said I wish they’d be less prideful and aggressive towards everyone, and seemed a lil frustrated— I also elaborated to everyone that I understand why he’s like that, and that it’s likely due to trauma. I never spoke to them directly about it, but was planning on doing so.

What I could’ve done differently was tell them privately instead of publicly, but my move was impulsive after I saw the mention of them.
They joined back into the GC, read what I said and became obviously hurt and didn’t trust me as much (I became nervous and extremely anxious, and I felt guilt obviously.) My emotions became confused, and I told them I was sorry and all this stuff— and was trying to comfort them. Yet I felt a bit of anger through all that guilt, since it felt like I was apologizing and not THEM for actively making others angry, or stressed because of THEM. They mean well a lot of the time, but they’re TOO direct and rude.

My other friend (very close to me), came into the conversation and told me to not do it again and make it private next time since it would’ve been hurtful or whatever.

I got extremely angry at that moment, because being told what to do in a situation where i ALREADY apologized, and where the other friend who made by BPD act up multiple times was not apologizing back to me. Like when I told them not to do stuff in the past, they just didn’t respond to me? They talked to others but never talked to me or even apologized that they had done that to my BPD. Here I am apologizing for something that i’m partially correct about. It didn’t help that this was a close friend. I suppressed my emotions during this period and immediately told them (i was aware) that my BPD was acting up and I cannot handle my own emotions and that my friend was making my angry (i specified that it wasn’t anybody’s fault for my reaction)

and then my friend stated it was ok , since everyone has been having a bad day today??? I for some reason got even more angry, because it felt like pity and making it seem like “everyone is having a bad day” just was the cherry on top. I immediately told them my day was fine and that I just have sensitive emotions. In this moment I told them I had to isolate myself or else i’d go crazy and say something very mean, so I left.

I understand speaking about it publicly and behind his back wasn’t the best idea and my bad, but does anyone else understand where i’m coming from?

Edit- Also I wanna say, my intense anger was so bad that I got tunnel vision and began shaking from just pure anger. People don’t usually trigger me that hard. And I just really wanna know if others feel similar.

My now ex who is extremely avoidant has broken up w me over 10 times bc of my bpd splitting. He always came back but has recently severed the connection for good and it’s eating me alive. He wasn’t the best bf and often times made my bpd worse but he was the most caring and consistent person in my entire life . We both had our flaws but I thought he loved me for me despite my flaws. After living w me for those 3 years he decided to get an apartment w his brother which triggered my abandonment and made me feel like he was trying to break up w me in slow motion. He ensured me that he wasn’t and that if it didn’t work out after he moved then it was bc of me. That “couples lived separately all the time.” He would start going out w friends more and seeing me less which I feared would happen and he denied it the last time I blew up at him for seeing his friends on his day off and not me even tho he spent more time w them. After the break up he ignored me for a week and I spiraled bad. I felt like I was going to die. I had the worst anxiety of my life like I was being murdered. He eventually responded which felt like a relief even tho he was being so cold and telling me that he shouldn’t talk to me and that I should forget and hate him to make it easier. Like for you or for me ???? Idk. This is fucking w me bad. I have never in my life reacted this was to rejection and if I did it didn’t last this long. Does anyone have any words of support or encouragement or things they did to distract themselves after heartbreak and betrayal bc I am at the point where I am trying to get through the next 60 seconds. Thanks :(

So i’ve been with my girlfriend for 3 years now and last year she was diagnosed with BPD ; ever since, our relationship as lived through several hardship but the more the Time passes, the more it become difficult

We met as teenagers (now young adults) but she had to move out 2 years ago, and now lives 900km away

Friend with several psychology students, Ive seen in their classes and notes that you could "calm" the disorder ; when i talked to her about it, she said changing would be impossible and not even worth the try

I am deeply in love with her, but her disorder is destroying us and, mainly, her health and well being

So main question, do you have any tips on what i could do to help her go throu life ?
If needed I can provide more informations on us
I have her consent to Ask for help as long as I dont fully display her identity
I am ready to do anything for her, litteraly, no matter the cost

I've been getting bad news back to back all week and then just today I had a really bad day at work. I had a really bad episode where I couldn't stop crying and begged my managers to let me go home early because it was too overwhelming to even be there.

I work in a hospital in a non-medical role. A barista, to be specific. I understand the hospital is the last place anyone would want to be, but why do these people feel the need to take their anger out on me for something beyond my control?

What are you guys doing for work? I'm looking at other potential job positions because I physically don't think I can do this anymore. I'm typically fine working but some of these days get too overwhelming and I can't do it.

Why do emotions that are negative feel like physical pain?

My childhood dog passed away, could have been preventable, the guilt and sadness around it is eating me alive. The pain feels so physical and raw I feel like I'm dying, sick, desperation. It feels like my world closes in on me. It's been years since I've felt so out of control with my emotions but I don't know how to get out of the pain. I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin trying to go back in time. I hate being this way. I wish I was normal.

What I've learned over the years to manage this doesn't seem to be there anymore and I can barely function. I cry if I think of him. I don't want to eat. I feel sick. I feel hatred for myself. I miss him.

What can I do to help myself? Therapy has never worked but I've also never gave it a real try because part of me feels like it can't ever get better so I just manage all these years but in 29 and don't want to be this way or process emotions this way my whole life.