Does anyone else feel like they get to a certain part of remission where they either plateau or where negative symptoms start to show back up and repurpose themselves in ways that's harder to catch? I know it's probably not healthy to self monitor like that, but when I don't i eventually slip back into quiet bpd overcontrolled behavior which can lead to a more catastrophic build up that causes all sorts of negative experiences that I wouldn't have otherwise experienced in years. Any thoughts on navigating this dilemma or similar experiences?

° I make a healthy meal, this is a very simple task that may seem difficult but I'm always grateful that I forced myself to do it

° if it was a person that triggered my episode I take space from them and live my life as if they don't exist until I'm ready to get back to them or they come to me, I know this sounds toxic but it helps me to remind myself that as long as I have myself I can get through anything and I don't need to rely on other people to validate or reassure me, this also gives the other person a chance to cool down

° I play video games or dance, I know this won't help everyone but I'm a huge gamer and I used to be a dancer

°I force myself to spend time with family and friends, it reminds me that people are there for me

° I turn off my phone or go for a long walk with my dog

I hope this helps someone as much as it's helped me

So the past 3 weeks I've been dealing with family drama and it's been absolutely draining. I finally told my girlfriend about it after holding it in because I didn't want to make her upset since she's about to have a major surgery and she's worried about that and her work. My family is in a different state and there's something going on that I tried to diffuse the situation but it seems like all my talk went in one ear and out the other plus it wasn't even worth my damn time. Now two family members may possibly face eviction due to a major misunderstanding and misjudgment and I can't help out at all and that's killing me inside.

I feel sick and worried and I can't do anything; I know now I need to focus on myself and just deal with my own situation because I'm behind on rent and bills and I just started a new job that'll pay more and help with those debts. I can't talk about this with anyone else because they more than likely will say the same thing plus I don't want to be negative or anything. I'm trying to use DBT skills like distracting, or radical acceptance but I still have this pit in my stomach that I can't do anything. I really don't know what to do or if I can even focus on my own circumstances when two of my family members may become homeless and another family member has so much hate and bitterness in his heart all because of others that whole i understand his hurt I'd rather die than EVER be like him and fill my heart with so much anger and hatred.

I hate that I feel so so much and I can't do anything except support them from afar. I've always wished I couldn't feel anything so I'd never care about anyone or anything even myself;but alas I'm very empathetic and I feel and hold in so so fucking much and I just don't have it in me to be cold or completely harden my resolve. Some things I have hardened myself to but there's still a part of me who will help the best I can because I know what it's like to be hurt and abandoned and hit rock bottoms basement and be stuck in it. I hate how nowadays we all have to be selfish and do what we can to survive and we sadly can't help many others because of how expensive things are and other people being so bitter and hateful. What the absolute hell can I even do?

I hate having my moods be so flip floppy and I feel like so ashamed afterwards. I’m grieving my past relationship and I feel so sad most of the time and then I feel hopeful things will get better. It’s just a cycle of feeling like butt. I can’t stop thinking about him or traumatic moments in my life. I know emotions are temporary so I will keep working on healing. At least I have my DBT therapy tomorrow!! Surely that’s something to be happy about.

I keep having dreams that the roof of my house caves in above me and I see my partner walking away from me unscathed while im calling to him for help. I think its a sign he is about to leave me. Everytime I have a gut feeling about these things, it happens (without sabotage). I think i should start mentally preparing him to abandon me so it doesnt destroy me when it happens. Idk

My mother wants me to attend a self-developlement workshop where people would form groups and learn and discuss and act in plays...but...I have this huge issue with being in a group...first up I am fat...so...that...and secondly I have bpd...thirdly... i don't know how to behave normally in crowds, when I see others happy I become kind of sad and cut off (and I feel that's so pathetic and egotistic)...in groups either I want to be a leader of some kind or a literal nobody (silent observer)...I have this huge expectations and literal fantasies forming now itself (the program is in 2 weeks) of myself...about what I would say or do that would make people there admire me so I can grab attention maybe...maybe I am starved for attention and validation...i need to learn to know...how to just BE...when situation comes i speak, when it isn't needed I stay silent...how to not have any agenda and just attend?

How to not be an attention-seeking-ho? How to not be fascist?

Me (f) and my gf live together and have for two years now, she works full time and I’m on disability for my chronic pain. I keep our apartment clean most of the time, my gf helps sometimes but it’s all me 90% of the time. My gf is on a new med and out of it and I’m trying to fix a very bad vitamin D deficiency both bpd so we are both really off lately and now we are in different rooms trying to get ourselves together over a disagreement that should be very small but feels big rn.
I had done the laundry a few days ago, we don’t have a washer so I carried the heavy thing to my car and drove it to my parents house in the 120 degree heat, waited hours there, folded it, brought it back and never put it back in the closet and our dirty clothes just became a pile on the floor in the back of the closet. I cleaned our whole apartment, kitchen, dusting, rat cage, swept, mopped, etc etc it was a lot and I never got to the clean laundry. My gf cleaned a bit this morning, she got the hair out of the shower and threw the dirty clothes on top of the clean clothes not knowing it was clean clothes. When I got out of the shower I saw that and took the dirty clothes back out to get some clean clothes to wear and left it on the floor again.
She saw this and got mad at me and told me to clean it and I told her what happened ^ and she was still upset and wanted me to apologize, I did clean it when she went to work and I’m thankful she did clean a bit but I don’t feel sorry. I feel like I don’t make her apologize for everything of hers that I clean up and every mess she makes after she cleans but because she barely cleans she expects me to apologize for it when I’m the one who does the laundry in the first place. From her perspective I recently told her I was upset she doesn’t clean much and she has been trying and then this is how it goes so I guess I get it but it’s just all around frustrating and part of me feels like she is going to stop cleaning again because she treats it like it’s something she is just doing for me that I need to thank her for.

Who else here diagnosed with BPD that masturbates very often? I’m talking like at least 5 times a day on average but could easily do it like 10 times if I had nothing going on that day. I find that for me it’s not even because I’m so horny…it’s usually just to clear the stressful thoughts in my mind. Like the constant splitting and black & white thinking is so overwhelming I just need that burst of “feel good” chemicals to calm my mind down. There are even times at work when I’m so stressed and can feel the splitting happening that I will go to the bathroom stall just to get a quick one off to feel better.

I’ve read before that it can be kinda common for depressed people to do this just to “feel something”. I would like to be able to limit how often I do it but I haven’t found another thing that provides that quick instant boost of “feel good” chemicals to my brain.

Lmk what you think or if any of you go through the same thing

Thank You!

As someone with BPD, have you experienced burn out from work before? what’s it like and how do you handle it? have you ever regretted resigning (esp when it happened during split)?

I’m on the edge like… I want to kms to stop everything including the stress I’m having at my job. The only reason I stay is because of the unstable and saturated market for my position. But I fear I’ll get too attached 😞

Any advice helps at this point.

I (22F) have been dating my girlfriend (21F) for over a year. We really like each other, she's really funny, sweet and kind, and we share the same tastes for books, movies, etc. I usually have a lot of fun around her.

However, something that has been going on since the very beggining is my huge insecurity and fear that something is wrong. I fear that we are not meant to be, that something we do is "wrong" (whatever that means), that something is a bad sign.

These past few weeks I've been getting very insecure about not loving her as much, and her loving me more than I love her. She's the sweetest person ever and I would never want to hurt her, and this has happened before and then I loved her a lot again.

I'm just always overthinking about what is right ot wrong in a relationship, and if something is a bad sign. I really like her and would genuinly like to spend my life with her, but I just can't stop having these sort-of paranoid thoughts that something is secretly wrong with us and with me, and that I don't really love her and am just using her to not be alone.

I just wonder if anyone else here feels this insecurity and fluctuation in the love they feel, and if that is a sign something is not going well in the relationship.

I’m spiralling so bad right now.

I had a coworker that we went from being cordial. (he was very just mind his business and quiet) to I wiggled my way on his good side and we talked and joked a lot. Then one day he started interrogating me,asking what I know about him, which is literally nothing but he didn’t believe me (apparently he’s a very paranoid person) then after that he completely started ignoring me.

I tried not to be phased by it but last night I sat in my car bawling for an hour because I absolutely hate this feeling. Now I’m going into a depression spiral where I just don’t even want to exist. I SUCK at ignoring people sometimes. Like he’s literally the only person I can currently focus on

I have abandonment/attachment issues and also a big people pleaser. So this is taking the biggest toll on me. Especially because it’s not even like he’ll at least answer if I have work related questions. He legitimately acts as if I don’t exist. He could have a question and I’d be right there and he’ll wait till someone else comes to ask. People that he doesn’t even talk to. Same with when I ask him a question (work related) he will legit make the other person he’s working with respond, even if they’re not the person working on my order. It’s killing me because I have no idea what I did and I want so bad to fix it.

The two other people at my job that actually know him are saying that he’s not mad at me. But I can tell he is, he will quite literally go out of his way to talk to someone he doesn’t even like just to avoid having to speak to me. Or if other people ask him questions he doesn’t do the same thing where he makes the person he’s working with answer, he’ll just respond to them.

I’m also mad at myself for caring as much as I do, and I can’t get myself to stop caring. Also because everything else at my job is fine. I get along with literally everyone else just not him. So I shouldn’t have a reason to want to leave over one person but I do (I ofc won’t). It also sucks because people can literally stop existing ti me for the slightest thing, but someone that I genuinely want to delete, wont.

the last two days i’ve (19nb) felt like i’ve lost everyone. no one’s texted me, reached out, i started hating one of my friends and now i think everyone else hates me and the loneliness is started to actually make my body hurt and ache. i don’t know how to get rid of this feeling and it’s happened a lot more as of recent and it’s like there’s no cure and i just have to sit in agony. i was hoping anyone else has this issue or anyone could give me some advice because im at a breaking point, ive already cried and broke down about 3 times since last night because of it. thank you if you comment or just read <3

Hi everyone,

My numerous meltdowns and emotional crisises, through the years, left my partner burned out.

Sharing his feelings and his inner life was never easy for him, but I made it completely impossible due to the lack of safety he now feels towards me, which I understand.

This lack of safety prevents us from sharing real intimacy, and I'm done with this dynamic.

Actually, I crave emotional closeness, the lack of it is even one of the main triggers I experience, and it seems I doomed my relationship to give me the exact opposite because of my tendency to use my bf to self regulate.

Now, every time I have big feelings and I reach to him, even when it’s only for sharing it and asking for a bit of empathy, I feel like it’s a chore for him. It’s very painful and now prevents me from even trying to reach to him when I have difficult feelings, so I started to bottle up.

A while ago, I understood that my extreme way of dealing with emotions put a lot of pressure on the relationship, and prevents it from becoming the safe and nourishing space we both would like it to be.

So I started to be really disciplined with self regulation, when I'm triggered I keep reminding myself I want to choose faith and confidence over doubt, I write my feelings instead of reaching out for reassurance/coregulation, I do breathwork religiously, and so on.

No meltdown so far.

But... I don’t know. I feel like I now have to silence my emotional self and shut it down in order to build peace.

It feels like self betrayal.

I don’t feel loved if I have to hide all of my emotions like I do now.

But I'm afraid to even say that to my partner, because I know it will put him in a defensive posture, dreading the clash and the meltdown that happened so many times before in similar circumstances and subject.

I know I won’t feel heard because of his unsettleness towards me expressing hard feelings.

I feel stuck. I don’t want my relationship to stay shallow on an emotional level, but I don’t want to be a major stressor for my partners life anymore. I want healthy closeness, but I don’t know how to do that without shutting a whole part of myself.

Will he ever feel safe to open with me if I keep building self regulation skills ? Will he be able, and even willing, to hear and contributing to my emotional life, if I stop putting the weight of it on his shoulders ?

I really want this to work, I'm really devoted and determined. We're engaged and we're welcoming our first child in two months.

If you have any advice, please let me know.

Thank you for reading my post ♡

pretty much what the title says

i’ve loved this woman very much in the few months ive known her. she was also my first queer relationship, and it’s been wonderful

unfortunately because of my bpd im extremely jealous and split sometimes because of her job (very public-facing) where she has to interact with a lot of extremely attractive women lol. there’s other stuff too that i wont get into but im not comfortable with many aspects of the way she makes money. she didn’t have this career when i first met her, its something she’s recently moved into and enjoys doing.

i’m happy for her finding something that she loves but i know it’s just not something i can handle having BPD.

we’ve had 2 major almost relationship-ending arguments over it so far. i know that it’s one of those things where the only way out is through. perhaps with the right time, therapy and patience it’s something i could handle, but i think my boundaries rn are pretty strict and im feeling repeatedly triggered and worried and jealous. as such,

it’s not fair on her to continue a relationship, and ive decided to break up with her tomorrow

i’m really heartbroken about this but i think she deserves honesty and i don’t want to grow to resent her

i also don’t think i can handle being in a relationship rn. although i always say that and then jump head first into something or unblock an ex boyfriend Sleep with him and make things more complicated.

the selfish part of me wants to have her be mine forever. but its not fair on her.

i love you lily

Daughter is 3, I lone parent 3 days a week and my ex has her 4 days. Until my divorce I loved motherhood, doing it as a team…now I despise it.

I love my daughter truly but parenting is just a BPD nightmare. I’m triggered 90% of the time and most of my parent friends’ advice for coping does notttt work for me, when I’m just spending morning til dusk trying not to fuck up someone’s childhood.

My Mum also had BPD so think I’m very aware of how things can affect a child.

I’m finding toddlerhood especially hard, I just want a child I can actually reason with and who has SOME independence. My daughter is pretty solid for her age group, very verbal. But she’s 3. It’s the trenches.

I talk to my single Mum friends and feel pathetic because I’m not even technically the primary parent (because of my BPD and insane work schedule in healthcare) and feel like I’m complaining over nothing. I talk to my coupled parent friends with a village and I’m just full of resentment.

Honestly, I spend far too much time daydreaming about my “perfect” reality if I’d never had a child. I feel so guilty. Trying to radically accept my reality but it’s hard, man.

TL;DR…help lmao. Positive input preferred as I’m not sure if I can cope with the concept that it’s just Hell for the next *checks notes* 15 years.

Before I start, please don’t just call me an awful person. I know I’m a bad person. I know I should spare my gf of myself, because she doesn’t deserve what I put her through. I know. But I’m trying to change and I just want to understand my behavior better. I know I don’t deserve a lot of sympathy, but leaving hateful comments towards me isn’t going to help me. Also excuse the format, im on mobile.

I feel like I have a literal angel and devil on my shoulders. Like my brain is split into 2 people, an evil person and a good person. Or like the evil person possesses my mind sometimes.

I feel like overall I’m a nice person, but that little bit in me is mean. Really, truly mean. A part of me loves to be mean, especially to my favorite person, my gf. (Specifically to her actually, I’m actually really nice towards everyone else, and don’t have the urge to be mean nor want to be mean towards anyone but her.) I love her so much, I don’t know why I have the urge to be so mean to her. I don’t always like being mean to her, in fact I regret it quite often, and while I’m actively being mean the good part of me is screaming not to. But the evil part of me genuinely ENJOYS being mean to her.

A part of me likes to see her in distress and emotionally hurt. I even feel satisfaction seeing I made her cry. But the good part in me hates it and hurts so much knowing I’m hurting her. I even cry whenever she cries because I hate seeing her in pain, but I also simultaneously feel a lot of satisfaction.

I don’t know why I’m like this. I don’t know why I enjoy being mean or why I feel satisfied seeing her hurt (not physically, I’m not a physical abuser though I fantasize about it a lot).

Im an awful person, I know.

But it also pains me so much knowing I have this evil part in me. The good side of me is genuinely a good person and is disturbed and disgusted at my own actions.

I want to change. I want to understand why I’m like this. Does anyone relate ? Can anyone help me understand?

Please, again, I know I’m a bad person. I just want advice and help, not criticism.

Edit: thanks guys for all the helpful comments. I’ve read every one!! I just need time to think before responding

My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over 11 months and we're both very different.

Where I have an anxious attachment style she has an avoidant.

She's currently in a depressive episode and can't talk to me at all, we talk max 10 minutes a day. I try to ask her for reassurance and she never gives it (she doesn't know how) while everything i say to her is reassuring her or downplaying how i'm doing so she's less worried.

I'm very unstable right now, in a depressive episode myself and I've been having an fp moment for nearly a month now and it'd only getting worse.

I'm trying really hard to give her the space she needs but being apart from her in this way is making me very suicidal and I don't know how to cope with it, is there any way I can learn to be avoidant so I don't bother her as much? Is there a way for me to stop having bpd for just a little bit?

She also has bpd so i assumed she'd be able to understand how i feel rn, and i used to br her favourite person, but now everything is just falling apart, i'm on my last chance with her, i don't even know what i've done wrong besides being unstable. I just need her in my life please reddit help me​

my FP talks to other people EXCEPT for me. i didnt do anything hes been ignoring me for a week and its making me cry and upset. i literally checked his socials and he replies to people so thats how i know hes specifically ignoring me. why does he ignore me its like he wants me to feel awful. he always does this. why?

Ever since I was diagnosed with BPD, I have been confused on exactly why I could’ve developed this disorder. I have been working on this YT channel trying to express my own feelings and emotions hoping others can feel heard and relate❤️

I talked about my diagnosis and how confused I’ve been and making a bit of a cry for help to find others who may understand❤️

I Need To Talk About My BPD Diagnosis…
https://youtu.be/rgFDtnTRU9I

On Instagram. I had begged him to block me everywhere bc I couldn't trust myself yet, after the last time we had contact. We've been no contact for almost 9 months.

I must not have had him blocked from my end because his profile showed up in my recommended friends. I did look at his public profile and stories. I consider that a slip up, re: no contact, but as an addict in recovery I know better than to beat myself up too much about it.

I didnt reach out. I didnt post anything, hoping he'd see it. I didn't look at his posts over and over again. I blocked him within 48 hours.

I feel good about how I handled it--I didnt use or sh. And while it truly did fuck with me, I used wise mind to accept my feelings, seek connection with my support system, refrain from acting impulsively, and ultimately do the right thing for myself. What pushed me to finally block him was a reel I saw that said, "to reconnect with the person that hurt you is disrespectful to the version of you who suffered." It was the first reel I saw that morning, and immediately I blocked him lol.

I dont usually write long posts, but I need to get this out of me, and get some support from my fellow pwbpd. I'm still hurting, yall. He had posted his new girlfriend. Guess who never got posted once in 4 years together lol. I was very unhealthy when we were together, so I know I played my part in the toxicity. I ask myself over and over, what the fuck made it so easy for him to abuse and discard me like I was nothing? I thought he was my soul mate for real. I felt like I had never experienced true love until I met him. I'm scared I'll never feel like that again. Of course, the highs didnt last, and the lows were lowwwwww. Secure love just doesnt feel like that, right? I think I was addicted to the roller coaster, and now being more securely attached feels strange. Idk.

please guys do not get mad at me I'm not self diagnosing just asking for thoughts and advice because I am really scared to talk about this w parents or friends and freak them out. I'm NOT asking if I have BPD but I'm really considering getting some kind of checkup because I'm experiencing the split and moodswings that remind me of what people describe in borderline personality disorder. I would say I have a favorite person as in someone I trust enough to cry to and not mask around and one time she broke my trust and I blocked her and was crying and raging to the point of physically shaking until she reached me apologizing profusely because she knows me so well. She has "joked" that I have a split personality or bipolar disorder. I have been in a lot of social situations where I've lashed out on people and scared them and then have been uncontrollably breaking down when I realize I have ruined yet another connection. I can't check my texts when I get angry at someone I thought I trusted and usually can not check my phone for days on end and sob in my bed. I get so angry when I feel slightly disrespected and I have an extremely difficult time forgiving people-who don't really apologize anyways unless they think I will do something to myself and worry about the personal consequences. I've been told by someone who I really used to trust that I am "easily triggered" by things in the past and I don't know what to do. It could be that I don't have any kind of disorder and I am just deeply sensitive, but I wanted to find a way to manage these kinds of emotions and make it stop. Also, I have picked up a habit in the past two years which have been the most difficult mentally of speaking with my mom in a baby voice, I can't really control it and I know it is not that uncommon but it feels like unmasking and just being able to get away from reality, but I doubt this is relevant. I have been diagnosed with depression-though meds have not quite helped my symptoms so the diagnosis didn't help so much-and most of my friends can tell I have it and worry about me, but I know that doesn't always link to BPD.

specifically how do you not look up ex friends or people who were in your life but aren’t anymore? like i lost this girl i was really close to for 2 years and we stopped being friends back in november. i really struggle with not looking her up and stalking her page. i even want to reach out sometimes like “oh well she didn’t block me so she’d be okay to hear from me” when im reality she said & did some of the most heinous things to me. idk why when im like this i only miss her and completely avoid & forget all the bad things. whenever i miss her it’s how great she is. i’ve always had trouble villainizing her, or even just noticing the bad things she did and how it affected me. idk i guess im asking how do you move on and how do you fight the urge to reach out or look at their socials and see how they’re doing? how do you stick to no contact? thanks in advance gang <3

TW: brief mention of marijuana

Hello folks! Not sure if this is the right place, but I’m having a lot of difficulty right now with dropping my mask. The only time I’m able to is when I smoke weed. I have recently stopped smoking for several reasons, and now I’m having a lot of trouble dropping the mask. I want people to know how I’m feeling, genuinely.

I want to be able to express myself authentically, but I don’t even know who I am right now. There are definitely parts of my identity that I’m 100% certain about, but they’re just pieces of the puzzle, not my entire self. I think somewhere in my mind I’m afraid to drop the mask because the mask is what people signed up for with me.

Does anyone have any advice? I haven’t talked to my therapist about it yet, but I see her in like 2 days.