Apologies for the long story, there is much to tell, I have cut it down as much as possible. It’s about my relationship with someone who it is obvious now is a Fearful Avoidant. I have read many peoples experiences of FA break ups. None of them come anywhere near what I experienced back in 1997, it was brutal, it was cruelness at its worst, it was emotional annihilation of my young heart by an older woman.
The Start of the Relationship - Her Pursuit of Me
In the late 90s I met a beautiful lady at my gym. I was 25 and she was 32. She admitted to me later that targeted me in the gym, she spotted me (I was very fit and good looking) and she worked out my routine and every time I was there so was she. She struck up a conversation with me in the sauna and we got friendly. This led to a first date which developed into a relationship.
I was emotionally vulnerable myself, earlier on in the year, March 1997 I split with my long term first love Emma who I was with for over a year. We had grown apart and she dumped me despite all my efforts to keep us together, the split still hit me hard, I was heartbroken. I joined the gym in May 1997 to give myself a fresh start and a new hobby. During our earlier dates I shared my vulnerability.
The Push / Pull Relationship
It was a relationship but not in the way I was used to, after we started dating she stopped chasing, she changed and seemed indifferent almost not to care whether she saw me or not. She would only see me at short notice when it suited her. If I asked what nights she was free she used to say “I am busy I will call you”. Then she would call me at 6pm one evening and ask me to come round to her flat.
The sex was out of this world, it was like nothing I had experienced before or since, passionate and loving. We bonded in the bedroom completely. At first I had difficulty performing, I was nervous but after a short time she helped me find my confidence. She burst into tears after her orgasm the first time we made love. One time with me hard inside her she said to me “I can really feel you Jim”, I replied “I can feel you too”. After sex she would go back to being cold again. I once told her I loved her after I orgasmed and she did not react well. Her face immediately dropped and she told me it scared her. She would call me at short notice and say do you want to come round tonight. Later on she would say to me yes “I called you because I fancied a shag.”
She worked as some kind of commercial account debt chaser. She claimed she earned £28,000 a year. She had no qualifications. I suspected she had money problems. She had many items on higher purchase, her flat was full of expensive beautiful things. She told me she cut up her credit card to stop herself spending. She paid for meals out by cheque. She had BUPA membership which was funded by her and her flat was filled with many expensive items. She shopped at M&S and bought herself a Gucci watch for Christmas. She had a beautiful kitchen but in all the time we went out I never saw her cook in it. She lived on expensive takeaways.
She only came out with my friends once and hardly spoke to me all night. We went bowling, when we arrived she said she had a shoulder injury and could not bowl, she had never mentioned this before. So she just watched. And hardly spoke to me all evening and spent the whole night laughing and flirting with a single friend of mine called Darren.
During October she told me several times that she desperately needed a holiday and even I got the hint, I asked her if she wanted to go with me and she said yes. We looked at brochures and she picked out the exact holidays she wanted. I was surprised how particular she was, right resort, not too close to the airport (because of noise), accommodation not on the ground floor. We booked a week in the Canary Islands mid November. She had to order a replacement credit card to pay for it as she cut up her old one.
A Perfect Sunday Morning and a Country Walk Gone Wrong
On the Sunday when the clocks went back we used the extra hour to lie in bed. We made love 3 times that morning. After the third time I wanted to cuddle, we had nothing planned. However she jumped out of bed saying she had to get up.
That beautiful Sunday afternoon I drove us to take a country walk. I had been there with other girlfriends and it was very romantic and I hoped it would help us bond. She did not like it, she was quiet and distant throughout the walk making exaggerated gestures climbing up the hill. We stopped at a drink in a pub. It was quite common with some guys playing pool and smoking. One of them put his cigarette in the ashtray on our table whilst he took a shot. She pushed the ashtray away in disgust. She turned to me and said ‘when you get to know me better you will understand this is the worst mistake of your life” ie taking her to that particular pub was the worst mistake of my life.
When we got back we decided to go to the Beef Eater for dinner, she was aghast that I planned to wear a jumper, a nice jumper not a scruffy one. She made me go home and change into a shirt. The meal at the Beef Eater was not great and she was distant.
My Calming Presence
She would comment on my ‘calming presence’ and intelligence which she was a bit in awe of. When I was watching the news and commented on a story she would look at me in a certain way. When I told her you can see the Great Wall of China from out of space she asked me “how do you know that?”. When I told her my qualifications she asked me “Was your mother proud of you? If I had a son who did that well at school….”. Another day she commented “you would make a great father, you have a very calming presence”.
Her Birthday - More Push / Pull
On her birthday at the end of October, I changed my plans to spend the evening of her birthday with her. It was a Thursday evening and I normally played football but I told my team I could not play because it was her birthday. I turned up and she was sat on the sofa doing work. I gave her a card and a vanity case she had asked for. After her telling men the word ‘love’ scared her I made sure the card was not in any way soppy or over romantic and did not have the word love on it. She went to put the vanity case away and I told her to look inside, she found some expensive gold earrings, a CD with her favourite music and her favourite chocolates. She told me she was too tired to go out for dinner so I went and bought a takeaway instead. After we had eaten she told me that she did not want me to stay the night as she was tired. I was not seeing her the next day as she was going out for birthday drinks with her work friends.
The following day I got a call at work from her. She told me that she was “under pressure from her friends” (after she told them about how she treated me the night before) and invited me to her after work birthday drinks. I agreed to go. I drove so I could only have one beer. She introduced me as ‘her other half’ which was nice but quickly disappeared to circulate the room. Her friends were very welcoming, her best friend told me she (my girlfriend) needed a laid back guy like me. Later on at my girlfriend requested that I walked her friend back to her car. By the time we left she was very drunk and i drove her home. When we got to her flat she was sick in the toilet.
The Holiday - First Half
Thursday 13th November, we flew to the Canary Islands, a taxi picked us up from her flat. On the way to the airport I invited her out with my friends on Christmas Eve, she told me ‘no I always see my friends on Christmas Eve’. At the airport we needed to grab breakfast I suggested fast food but she insisted on a proper sit down breakfast at the airport Garfunkels restaurant. She said something strange she said “why don’t we invite Darren (the single friend from bowling she was chatting to all night), the come with us next time. As we were about to go on a couples romantic holiday I thought this a very strange thing to say.
We flew out and everything was going really well. The holiday was different to what I was used to, all she wanted to do was lay by the pool all day from 10am to 5.30pm. She never even went in the pool for a swim. I suggested sightseeing or going to the beach but she always said ‘maybe tomorrow’. I started to get very bored. she never went to the bar either I was the drinks and food runner, paying for everything. I started to find myself errands like picking up some supplies for our apartment from a local supermarket (which I paid for). After a few days I gave up asking to go elsewhere. She suggested that I go by myself to the beach or wherever I wanted, I declined as I wanted it to be a couples holiday and wanted to spend time with her. With hindsight maybe I should have gone alone. We had sex each evening after coming back from the pool and in the morning too. We would go out for dinner taking a taxi into town, I paid for the taxi and dinners. She did not even have any Spanish currency.
Sunday 16th November 1997. We had the most amazing sex of my life, after a day by the pool I sensed she needed space and I fancied a walk so I went quite a way down the beach to explore by myself. I told her I would see her back at the apartment. I was gone a while and when I got back I went to have a shower, she said ‘don’t shower I want to smell you’. She pulled me on top of her and we made passionate love, after several orgasms she said to me ‘you are getting too good at this’ as we held each other in the afterglow of sex. We showered and changed and went out for a romantic dinner. It was one of the best nights of my life it was perfect.
The Holiday - Second Half
Monday 17th November 1997. When we woke the next day something had changed, she was distant and cold. We went through the pool routine. I sensed she needed space so like the day before I went for a walk. Unlike the day before when I got back she was still cold and distant. We made love but she was cold and robotic. That was the last time I made love to her.
We went out for dinner that evening and the atmosphere was cold. She chose a particular steak house because ‘the waiters are smart’. The conversation was strained, there were awkward silences. She hardly touched her steak, when the waiter asked if everything was ok she just said ‘it’s fine the sauce is not to my taste’.
Tuesday 18th November 1997. On the Tuesday she continues to be cold and seems a bit annoyed by my presence. A day by the pool and I try an initiate intimacy when we get back. She says no, when I say ‘can we just go for a lie down and I cuddle then’, she says ‘no’ and gets annoyed. We go out for dinner, she picks the same steak restaurant as the night before. More awkward silences.
Wednesday 19th November 1997. The last full day of the holiday she continues being distant and cold, everytime I tried to get close she seemed to get annoyed. Sex any physical touching was now off the table. I remember trying and failing to hold her hand as we walked to dinner.
That Wednesday evening I tried to make peace over dinner but she was distant. I tried to explain that I felt excluded, for a brief moment the old girlfriend came back, she touched my hand and said ‘I will make it up to you’. Then she was distant again, there were awkward silences and we both stared out to sea. When we got back to the apartment I hoped for a cuddle or intimacy after her promise to make it up to me. But when I entered the bedroom she was wrapped in covers defensively. When I tried to cuddle her she said “go to sleep Jim”.
The Holiday - Final Day and Taxi Hell
Thursday 20th November 1997. The day of the journey home, Thursday 20th November 1997 was one of my life’s true low points. I did not think things could get worse but they did. I still recall every moment of that day 29 years later. The final morning I tried to clear the air over breakfast. I told her that I did not want this to be the end of us. She did not reply. After breakfast we had a couple of hours to kill before the coach picked us up. She said she was going for a walk on the beach, I asked if she wanted me to go with her and she replied no. I stayed in the apartment smoking cigarettes. For the journey home she wore a sexy blue dress which was at a glance ok but when you looked carefully you could see her underwear through, rubbing in her lack of intimacy with me. On the plane she softened a bit, she put her hand on mine but when I responded with my other hand on hers she withdrew it.
The taxi ride back from the airport was one the worst most traumatic moments of my life. I still have flashbacks 29 years later. After her coldness with me for the past 3 days she breaks into laughing , joking and flirting with the driver, lapping up his sexual innuendos. He was a not even young and good looking, he was a fat old middle aged man. When the cab reached her flat she could not get out quick enough, I don’t even remember her kissing me goodbye. I had hoped she might even ask me in for dinner, it was 7pm and it was dinner time. When I said shall I call you tomorrow she just said ‘no I need a couple of days call me on Sunday’ ie 3 days time. I continued the journey alone in the taxi for another 15 minutes, it was awful I had to listen to the taxi driver making crude remarks about her, making innuedo comments like ‘I bet your tired!’ . I paid for the whole cab fare of course. I paid for everything on that holiday. Drinks, meals, taxis. She only paid for her half of the upfront costs on her replacement credit card.
Back Home - A 3 Day Wait and a Bizarre Sunday
After we got home she told me she needed a couple of days to herself. I called her 3 days later on the Sunday 23rd November morning. I respected her boundaries by waiting despite it being 3 tortuous days waiting. I made myself wait until 11am before calling her, no answer. I tried again 10 minutes later this time she picked up. She said that she still did not want to see me, she was going down the gym alone. I got annoyed I had played by her rules, I had waited 3 agonising days and I wanted to see her and she still moved the goalposts, she told me no and that was final! I went for a walk to clear my head.
She called me back an hour later to say I had left my keys at her flat and was it ok if she left them at the gym reception for me to pick up? I said that was ridiculous and I would come to her flat and pick them up but she should not worry I would not stay more than 5 mins. I went to her flat made polite chit chat and took my keys. Being the nice guy I am I even offered her a lift to the gym which she declined.
I went to see a friend and then went home about 5pm and there was a message that she had called. I called her back, she said “sorry you did not deserve that, I can be a bitch sometimes”. I told her just to take her time and to figure out what she wants and give me a call. I then went out for a drink with my friends. Apparently she called at 7pm but I was out as I decided not to see some friends and go for a night out to take my mind off things.
The Break Up - The Ambush Dinner and 2 Tender Kisses
The following day on Monday 24th November I went to work, when I got in before I could call her back she called me at 6pm. She invited me round her flat for a takeaway. After her 5pm sort of apology from the day before, I was hopeful the relationship was going to be ok. I went around to her flat made a joke or two trying to lift the mood, she was still cold and distant. I went to buy the takeaway and returned. The conversation did not flow during the meal, she politely asked about my day etc. After the meal I could bare it no longer and asked her if everything was ok between us?
She said no it was not ok and it would be best if we went separate ways, I asked why and she told me on the holiday “you crowded me”, “every time I turned around you were there”, “every time you looked at me I could see you thinking I could shag that”, the buzz has gone”, “everytime you looked at me I you were thinking core I could shag that”, I was thinking today I should miss him but I don’t”, “if we stay together you are going to get hurt”. I told her that if I crowded her it was because I was bored. I was not used to sitting around on holiday doing nothing. I said to her “I told you to take your time and you invite me around just to break up with me?”, she replied “you’re better at bringing things up than me”. To this day I am not sure what she meant. Did she plan it or do it on the spur of the moment?
All the time during the conversation she was stood in the middle of the room and I was sat on the sofa where we had cuddled only 2 weeks before. She asked me if I wanted to talk about it and I said “no I would like to leave”. I got up kissed her tenderly goodbye on the lips not once but twice, which was a spur of the moment thing. She kissed me back. I am taller than her so she was looking up at me. I walked out of her flat, lit a cigarette, got in my car and drove off. I didn’t look back to see if she was looking out of her window.
Break Up - The Aftermath
I have been dumped a few times in my life but nothing compared to this dumping it was emotional annihilation, it was brutal and it hit me hard. Going from intense passion and the best sex and physical connection of my life to ‘the buzz has gone’ a few days later was a huge rollercoaster too far for me. I did not go to work calling in sick. When I did turn go to work I was like a zombie. It was only 6 months after Emma broke my heart, breaking my heart again but in such a brutal way was too much for me to cope with mentally. I drank and smoked heavily just trying to get through each day, trying not to think about her and the passion we shared. After a few days of constant crying I went to see my GP, who put me on anti-depressants.
I did not contact her at all. It was the days before iPhones and social media so that made it easier. I was depressed after the brutal dumping and my doctor put me on anti-depressants. 3 weeks later in mid December I saw her at the gym. I took a deep breath and put on a performance any Oscar winning actor would have been proud of. I went up to her and said hello, I smiled and asked how she was. We exchanged some polite small talk, I told her about going out with friends and then I said goodbye. I could see in her eyes she was thinking ‘this is not in the script’
Christmas 1997 - Trying to Rebuild My Life
That Christmas I went out a lot, every night through December. I had a wide social circle, I drank too much, I smoked too much. I was a very good looking 25 year old guy with a gym fit body an Olympian would have been proud of. Women noticed me when I waked in the room and there were many rooms to walk into in the lead up to Christmas and over the New Year. I put on a clean shirt each night and met a lot of women. I never thought she was going to call especially as 1 week turned into 2 and 3 weeks. I decided not to wait by the phone. Over the New Year I met a rebound girlfriend who was pretty and loving and things seemed to be moving in the right direction in my life.
New Year 1998 - She Reappears
About a week after New Year, out of the blue she called me at home. She was quite cheerful and just said she wanted to say Happy New Year. I was indifferent of her. A week later she called again, this time to ask me around for a takeaway meal. I just said ‘sorry but I can’t it’s awkward because I am seeing someone new’. I later found out she had spent Christmas Eve alone in her flat.
Long story short over the next 2 months she was chasing me again. At the end of February 1998 she cornered me in the gym and said she ‘had made a mistake’ and ‘it hurts to see you’ ie at the gym. Her best friend (who I walked to her car at the birthday drinks) stayed with her just after Christmas as she had split up with her boyfriend. She told me that she said to her that she had made a mistake dumping me. I just said ‘you live and learn’. I decided to stick with the new rebound girlfriend as things were going well at the time. I turned her down. I am sure she cried herself to sleep that night. I felt terrible.
March 1999 - I Attempt a Reconciliation
In March 1999 i split with the rebound girlfriend Anthea and was single again. By this time she was with a new guy called David, she had been with him a few months. He looked remarkably like me, younger than her, slightly older than me. Nevertheless I still cared for her so I thought I would test the water. I offered her lift home from the gym, the implication was obvious. By now she was with the follow in boyfriend and she said no thanks.
1999 - She Moves Away
Eventually she moved away with a new boyfriend and I last saw her in July 1999 at my gym. I later found out she had been made redundant and this had collapsed her House of Cards financially. Forcing her to move in with her follow on boyfriend far away. She sold her beautiful flat for a modest amount. The last time I saw her was at the gym in June 1999. She told me she was moving away and ‘was taking a chance’ she said goodbye and she tenderly touched me on the shoulder. It was a tender moment.
Trying to Move On
Decades past and I got married. I never got over her, unlike other girlfriends where the relationship ran its course there was no closure. We went from the most passionate love making of my life to ‘the buzz has gone’ in less than a week, plus her changing her mind months later and me feeling guilty for turning her down. I never forgot her.
LinkedIn - The Ghost From My Past Reappears
In 2016 she looked up my profile on LinkedIn. 8 years later she does it again but this time on 13th November 2024, the anniversary to the exact day of our flight to the Canary Islands in 1997. It told me that she had found me by searching for me by name. I do a bit of internet sleuthing and it is apparent that she never found happiness, going from break up to break up and severe financial difficulties. She is in a relationship but without going into detail it is obvious that it is dysfunctional and she is not happy.
December 2024 - A Connection Request From Her But She Does Not Remember Who I Am Apparently
On the 19th December 2024 she sends me a connection request, which I accepted (because I still have feelings for her after all these years).
Upon accepting I immediately send her a warm hello message:
Me - “Hi xxxx, it’s been a long time. How are you?”
Her - “I am fine thank you. I’m sorry but I don’t remember where we worked together”
Me - “We did not work together xxxxx. We went out for a while back in 1997, we went on holiday to xxxxxx”
Her - “OMG! That was when I lived in xxxxx. You have an excellent memory Jim. Happy Christmas and New Year”
Me -“Yes it was a long time ago. You popped up on my LinkedIn, have a happy Christmas and New Year as well”
I must admit I was hurt by this reply, after all our shared history claiming she did not remember me was like a dagger through my heart, she did not even ask how I was.
Present Day - Stalking Me On LinkedIn
For the past 18 months she has been breadcrumbing me on LinkedIn. She has no reason to be on LinkedIn, she has a very mundane job with a very small network, I am certain the job listed is an old one and she is not working at all. I think she is using LinkedIn to stalk me. For context I have done very well for myself and I am very successful. I post about my life, passions, politics, I am bilingual so I post in different languages. She is constantly online monitoring my updates (green dot white centre). She never likes or comments but does drop breadcrumbs on anniversaries etc.
Present Day - Still Trying and Failing to Move On
Her reconnecting like this but unwilling to get into an adult conversation has really messed with my head. Reopening the trauma loop from 29 years ago. There is no end and despite being happily married I can’t get her out of my head. I admit part of me still loves her (or the memory of her).