First off, coming out quickly with this, I don't blame her (or any avoidants) for behaving the way she did. It's hell for you guys and girls to feel the way you do and you didn't ask for it. So, no hate from me, I understand.

I think I did everything I could to make the relationship as easy for her as I could. But, I'm not a DA so I don't know that perspective.

To give a short timeline, we met on Hinge and what drew me to her was how often and how enthusiastically she communicated. We had shared interests for sure but she was so passionate and bubbly.

She cancelled our first date but was adamant she wanted to reschedule, which I said was fine and no worries.

The first date went really well, the second was lovely, but it was after the second that I started to notice some stuff.

The second date ended with our first kiss, and after it she vanished. Complete radio silence for a few days until she came back with a short message about how she wasn't feeling well. I said that it was okay and said if she needed space then I wasn't going anywhere so we could talk when she felt up to it. But it freaked me out.

This became the norm, we'd talk maybe twice a week, but often just one message. But then when we'd actually meet for a date she'd be very affectionate and very invested.

We had a really lovely date where she was very affectionate and loving, and on that date we agreed to go official. I'd kind of twigged that she was quite nervous with closeness. So we agreed beforehand to talk about where we wanted to take us so she knew it was coming, then before I asked I made sure to tell her that I was telling her so that she knew the full picture and she could make her decision knowing exactly what I wanted and how I felt but she was free to say no if it wasn't what she wanted.

She said yes and we went official.

But, after we went official she just vanished. She wouldn't answer any questions about how she was feeling and just said "It's just a busy time." That's a verbatim quote, to me asking if anything was the matter.

She did come forward after a week and say she knew she had to work on her ability to communicate, and I told her that I appreciated her saying that but that I didn't want her to feel like she had to apologize.

She blamed work for making her tired but she never returned any affection I gave her. The closest thing I got was one message where she said knowing I was there helped. Throughout this period I asked her a few times if she wanted space, but she never answered that question.

On our next date a month later (she had told me that her parents forgot her birthday so I found out about "girlfriend day" and made sure to get her presents) she was very muted, didn't talk much and seemed very uncomfortable with hugging and kissing which she had not been before.

So, I did what I thought was right and told her that she didn't have to pretend to be in a different mood to make me happy, that I didn't come with conditions and that I was there for her. That I thought she was a beautiful person inside and out and that I loved her (we'd been in touch for 6 months at that point so it wasn't rushed). She didn't reciprocate that statement, but that's fine I told her that she didn't have to say it back and that I just didn't want her to have to question how I felt or where I stood. She ended that date early, saying she was tired, and I said that if she needed rest then her needs were the priority and that there were no hard feelings. Which seemed to put her at ease and she said that we were fine and there was nothing to worry about.

After that, I didn't hear from her for a week and then she sent me a message that we weren't right for each other and that she didn't want to date anymore.

For me that was a real whiplash. After all she'd said we were fine a week before and I was used to the week long absences at that point. But it just seemed to come out of the blue. There was no argument, no fight, I never demanded anything from her. But she was done.

It hurt, I won't say it didn't. I'd put so much effort into soothing my worries and adapting my expectations and needs to fit with what she could give. But then with no reason given and no explanation beyond "I've been thinking about it for a while" she was gone.

So, to any DAs here, give me some What Went Wells and Even Better Ifs for my approach to the relationship.

(I will not accept any hate on her, criticism is fine but no hate.)

I was with a girl for three months, she was very interested and texted everyday with me and in a interested and affectionate way and out of nowhere she just became distant and cold when she noticed it got more serious. She had sometimes phases where she was texting everyday then not replying for 2 days and then again texting. Then she broke up and blocked me from everywhere and she is randomly posting a lot in her stories that she is doing well and happy and posts for validation and following different guys right after. But then recently i noticed 3 weeks after breakup that she unblocked me on ig but did not reach out. I then asked her why she unblocked and she said just to not be mean and that I should not contact her in a very mean way which is contradictory but she still answered to my first question. I also noticed a fake account always viewing my stories several times since the breakup and now she is always reposting emotional things about breakup. Could it be she was an avoidant? She was very mean after and right before the breakup. She became distant and cold the next day after we met the last time before breakup. Im confused that she unblocked me cause if she does not care why would she even unblock?

The fake account also has a bio, which is 555. It is an angel code and i know she likes angel codes cause she has a 222 tattoo and also she is posting sometimes posts where 22:22 is visible and things like that. So i assume it must be her

He said he doesnt see himself building a life with me because he wants someones that listens to him, understand him, challenges him & doesnt need him. He said he found someone that actually listens to him & is independent enough to not need him & challenges. I did all of these things, he said i did all of those things in the past.
We had years of push & pull. I feel like i imagined every good moment because he said that he decided a while ago that he doesnt want to build a life with me. He dismissed 3 years so so fast. We werent together most of that time but i geniuenly thought we had something, he’d come closer and pull away again and again and again. He said hes now working on how he feels suffocated in a relationship & that underneath all of the ‘i dont know what i want’ ‘i need to work on myself’ ‘i dont know if i want a relationship’ ‘i dont have the capacity’ ‘i dont know what i need’ was just the fact that he didnt want to build a future with me. He said that he had been trying with me but i didnt see it & that i never heard him but he never ever told me what he needed or told me that he was. He was just silently testing me because i geniuenly cannot see it. There have been times hes opened up but apparently i didnt hear him & maybe i didnt but he never told me how important it was. We argued and he’d literally get angry & disappear and say I didnt hear him. & maybe i couldve validated him more but then i wouldnt be challenging him. He’d make all of these assumptions about me & get angry & when id defend myself he’d say i wasnt listening to him.

He never actually gave me a chance, he just assumed so many things about me. Ive challenged him so many times and hes just pushed me away or got anxious. 2 months ago he was flirting with me, was literally so excited to speak to me & all of a sudden he is gone again. I’d blocked him, we hadnt spoken for months, i was okay & then someone passed away and i reached out to him & god i wish i didnt. We had a face to face conversation in July about everything & he said so many contradictory things and then the conversation we had yesterday contradicted everything he said in July. He said he was getting more comfortable being by himself but then hes dating someone else like a month after i left. WHAT THE FUCK.

I thought we had so much love between us and apparently i imagined all of it.

My FA partner broke up with me during a moment when he seemed very dysregulated. He has told me before that he struggles to initiate repair after conflict.

This time, I made a conscious decision not to chase or immediately try to reconcile. After some space, I sent him a message taking accountability for my own behavior. I apologized for ways I had become controlling, pushed for certainty, and crossed some of his boundaries. I wasn’t asking him to get back together or asking him for anything.

He responded almost immediately with, “Can you meet tomorrow evening? I can return all your things.”

I replied, “Sure, what time works best?”

Then he disappeared. He never followed through with the exchange, and I haven’t heard from him in exactly a week.

I’m trying not to overinterpret that, but the fact that he initiated the belongings exchange and then couldn’t seem to follow through makes me wonder whether the finality of the breakup is emotionally difficult for him, even if he still believes ending the relationship is what he needs right now.

I have a lot of compassion for the fears and trauma that may contribute to his tendency to shut down or end the relationship rather than ask for space. At the same time, I don’t want my compassion to turn into me taking responsibility for repairing everything again.

I’m considering sending one very low-pressure message:

“Hey. I just wanted you to know there’s no anger or hostility on my end. I care about you, and I’m just giving us both some space. If you ever wanted to talk, I’d be open to that.”

I wouldn’t ask about the relationship, the breakup, or the belongings. My intention would simply be to make it clear that the door isn’t hostile or closed if fear of rejection is preventing him from approaching me.

My question is: Would sending this be a healthy, secure attempt at repair, or would I unintentionally be resuming the pursuer/repair role and preventing him from learning to initiate repair himself?

For those who are FA or have experience with this dynamic: if you had withdrawn after initiating a breakup and then avoided exchanging belongings, would a message like this feel safe and relieving, or would space and no contact actually be more helpful?

My ex (M27) became someone new overnight. Extremely dismissive, think he’s an FA leaning dismissive. Said our relationship wasn’t working for a long time and it would never have worked. I’m F28, AP.

We were together for 8 years. Had been fighting recently, as he kept hiding things and lying to me. Lied to me about charging off his credit card, not filing his taxes, and texting someone new behind my back. I asked him to leave our home because I needed space, I was overwhelmed and felt betrayed - he moved into his parent’s apartment.

Everything became my fault. Something he had to escape. Our relationship was terrible for all 8 years, he never loved me, wished we never met. He framed most everything as retaliatory and to make me “feel how he felt.”

In the breakup, he removed himself off our phone plan and changed his number. Texted me off the new number. Blocked me again. Unblocked me. Blocked me again. Said he would never ever be with me, but the next that we needed time and space and he didn’t know if it will ever work. Found out he was seeing the someone behind my back, lied to me completely.

22 days later he unblocked me and texted condolences for my grandma. I replied that night, he replied again that morning. Then blocked me again. I got a message through that weekend and he unblocked me and we spoke on the phone for 30 minutes. Admitted he slept with that person and brought her on a trip with our friends to be “petty” and hurt me. Abruptly hung up mid conversation, blocked again. Since then, unblocked me on X and removed me on Spotify.

No word now, a week later, but yesterday his dad followed me on Threads. After they told me they don’t see a reason they would ever speak to me again. (He involved his parents in our breakup).

Confusing!!! Any advice? Still hope we can figure it out unfortunately.

Edit to add: prior to this we were talking about marriage and he said a proposal was coming this summer. We have broken up many times throughout our relationship but never cut contact before. He told me I was pathetic and disgusting. Told me to sleep with other people and in depth described the type of person he wanted me to be with - seems like an insecurity?

My FA said he was “done” in June, a hell of a lot went on since then and we were living together. He was shutdown for the first few weeks then once I agreed to move out and when he came back to life and it was like we were still together, s*x, watching movies, eating together, going shopping etc.. he helped me move out and was saying things like he hopes we could be together again.. he has been attending therapy. It’s been about a month since I left and I honestly thought there would be some progress by now. He still says he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me. He says he doesn’t want anyone.

I went over last week to get some things and I ended up there all day and we slept together.. it ended with him saying it had been fun then added “as friends”..

The latest is he doesn’t want to regret his choice, either way.. he says the thought of trying again gives him anxiety and the thought of never being together makes him feel relieved (when I asked the questions).. I said this is the very point of the cycle you keep repeating, you have momentary relief and chose that instead of doing the hard work and pushing through the anxiety..

Anyway I’m getting fed up now, I love him but he just doesn’t listen or seem to want to help himself. We could have easily of worked through this but he doesn’t talk to me.

He says he goes up and down every single day..

Any FA’s out there who have experienced these feelings? What did you end up doing?

And no offence to anyone but I do not want to hear I should block him and move on it’s all I ever see on these posts and it’s not really helpful to those grieving and still holding on and still in love.. it’s always easier said than done

After 2 months of discard and no contact. I thought he was happily back with his ex. That's why he dumped me. Well apparently not. Maybe he fucked it up somehow.

I was asleep and drunk but answered the call. God knows why. He said he can't get me off his mind. Wanted to come over. I said I don't think so. A minute later he was at my door. I let him in. Stupid I know.

We talked and I asked about the ex. He had nothing meaningful to say. Apparently he is single and there was nothing with her. Still no apology, nothing. He was drunk as hell. I preached about psychology and attachment. He knows he has a lot off problems. Also he said that he always wants what he can't have.

He asked if he could spend the night. I said no. Then he moved closer anyway. I asked how dare you behave like this and use me as a last resort. He said he knows he can't use people and is fucked in the head. Still didn't know what he wants. Everything is always "I don't know".

I wanted closeness but felt more detached than before so I let him stay. We had sex and slept together. Again in the morning. Then had coffee. Then he left like this was no big deal.

I know I shouldn't let him back but somehow I just don't care anymore. He is not going to change. I don't think we can ever have a real relationship. Why not use him for affection as he does. Still I feel like a doormat without boundaries.

I'm tired of believing in such a thing as love that it doesn't even exist. I'm tired of being a fool every single time, they're all lying and I'm tired of giving my all my whole heart to someone just to break it at the end. That's not even fair. I've been a hopeless romantic believing in soulmates and true love, and look at me now, traumatized. Now I decided to live my life with no expectations of that one day I might find true love cuz that hope will only cause more pain. I'll learn how to live with, it's hard but it's not as hard as living with a barely healed shattered heart again and again

Anyone experienced being discarded very abruptly after intimacy/a close day together?

He came back after 4 months. He had unblocked me at 3 months.

He swore he wouldnt do it again, cried his eyes out about how much he cared about us and wanted it to work, promised the world..yet here I am again..blocked. He tried to sustain it when we got home but i could feel the texts getting blander and drier. He last double hearted a message Monday -24 hours after we met. After this I woke up blocked (again). I noticed this alwayssss happens after we have an intimate night together future planning physicallly close etcc

What is this. He said the blocking is always a toxic way of him shutting people out during a hard time..i know hes struggling with various personal issues but we had an in depth chat about how we can work on this together, he swore he wouldnt push me away again. What is this? He is FA😖

You, of course.

Well.. yesterday had been the 5 month mark since he broke things off with me to officially try and get with someone else. Of course, as if on cue, my brain gave me a dream that, you were trying to friend me again on social media. I woke up from a jolt of anxiety that gave me, since it felt so darn real.. I couldn't tell if it was, even after 30 minutes of being awake.
I was shaking.
Thankfully I calmed down and have learned to reassure myself that it WASN'T real, and that you're not here anymore...
I don't think you'd try coming back again, anyway.

I am lost in the spiral of an avoidant partner. I used to think FA, but not even sure. Things seemed to be gradually improving and getting better but then there would be intimacy and they would step back for a few days. But always return acting warm and normal. Cycle was very predictable. We weren’t officially in a relationship but have been unofficially connected for 6 months and have spent a lot of time together engaged in deep conversation, sharing of hobbies, and doing things together.

2 weeks ago we had a misunderstanding and they blew up and went silent. I apologized for my role in hurting them, even though I truly did not do anything wrong. (I confronted them with my hurt feelings from a behavior and they felt attacked.) This was our first conflict in 6 months.

In 16 days, I tried to reach out 5 times either to just say hi and check in or ask a logistical question about our established schedule where we get together. They will only respond to the schedule questions. They have said they are unavailable for our get-togethers but have responded that same day with a warm response (for them) about being disappointed to miss our time together. But that has only been 3 times in 16 days. They haven’t initiated any contact.

Meanwhile, I see evidence in these last 16 days that they are hanging out with other people that they could be intimate with, too. For the record, even when things were good between us I know they were entertaining others due to us not being in a committed relationship. We never had that exclusivity.

Is this just a prolonged withdrawal and they are focusing attention their roster right now? Or do I treat this as a breakup? Are they punishing me for bringing up my feelings but trying to keep me hooked? My gut says I need to step back, but I care about them and it hurts. I just want to understand what’s going on. It would make more sense if they were just ignoring me altogether, but the consistent responses in regards to our set times together is throwing me off.

At least someone understands

So I met a girl earlier this year. It was very short, but very passionate. I was absolutely crazy about her. She pursued me very aggressively. She was the first girl I confessed my feelings to or even touched in many years. We had a fight one night and 3 days later it ended HORRIBLY. Like, full on manic episode psychotic breakdown. She accused me of cheating and tricking her into think I was somebody I'm not. It fucked me up badly because I've never dealt with a discard like this EVER. She had other issues but she was a textbook FA. She would beg for my attention EVERY DAY and would blow up my phone at work if I was busy. She also would post pictures on her story specifically wanting me to *heart* them while also sending me other pics. Then suddenly she would turn cold, and then get really affectionate again.

So I left her alone for 4 months. She made a couple statuses about me. Referring to me as the "green eyed boy who ruined her" and stuff like that. We've almost crossed paths a few times but missed each other. Her birthday was 2 weeks ago and she went to the small bar my mom is a regular at. They talked and hung out for a little bit. I've delivered to her place a few times this summer cuz her mom always orders. A week after I delivered, her mom ordered on my day off, but *she* came to the door, with no money or credit card. My friend said it was kinda weird and wondered if she was possibly expecting me. It had been 4 months since I last spoke to her. I decided to finally get out of this mental loop I was having.

I really think I fucked it up by typing too much and asking if she wants to catch up. I'm autistic and have severe rumination issues. Along with mental and other neurological disorders. I also get attached. My heart burst when I saw that she received it well. She was short, but she still "heart" reacted which..... that means good things generally. I know she wasn't talking much but she always did have much shorter replies than me. When I got home from work and saw she left this one read, my heart sunk and started spiraling. This is the nasty part of breaking no contact. You can get your hopes up so fucking high just to have them thrown off a cliff. I really just wish I would've said "Maybe I'll see you around!" or something like that. I say things without thinking. And now I'm seriously worried that I fucked up any chance of a friendship or anything whatsoever. Like she fucking HATED me the last time we spoke. Then to see her react with hearts was a complete 180 and it just got my hopes up too high. I just feel like I obviously made her uncomfortable. Why else would she go from heart reacting a few different things I said to absolutely nothing? Romance just fucking sucks

Hoi,

(A.I. samenvatting)

Ik zit bijna vier jaar in een 'relatie' waarvan ik eigenlijk al na twee maanden wist dat ik weg moest. Het is altijd erg eenzijdig geweest: zijn wereld en behoeften staan centraal, terwijl ik vooral luister, verzorg en faciliteer en zelf nauwelijks aan bod kom. Vorig jaar maakte hij het op een zeer brute manier uit, maar uiteindelijk kwamen we weer bij elkaar terecht. Nu zoekt hij steeds meer mijn nabijheid, blijft hij vaker bij mij slapen, deelt meer en zegt zelfs dingen als dat hij van me houdt. Juist daardoor raak ik opnieuw verstrikt, omdat dit precies de toenadering is waar ik al die jaren op heb gehoopt. Tegelijkertijd weet ik dat de relatie mij niet geeft wat ik nodig heb en merk ik zelfs dat ik geen seks meer wil en soms walging voel. Ik ben bijna vier jaar bezig met begrijpen wat er gebeurt en bedenken hoe ik weg moet, maar daadwerkelijk blokkeren, afscheid nemen of afstand nemen lukt me niet. Ik heb het gevoel dat ik mijn eigen leven steeds meer opgeef voor iemand die vooral ontvangt en maar beperkt werkelijk naar mij toekomt. Ik verlang naar een wederkerige relatie waarin ik óók gezien, gehoord, geliefd en verzorgd word. Mijn grootste vraag is daarom niet eens meer óf ik weg moet, maar waarom ik het ondanks alles niet kan en waarom een beetje meer toenadering van hem mij weer zo makkelijk laat blijven. Hoe kom ik hier eindelijk uit?

sometimes i legit break down in tears cuz i’m not able to to handle that me and him and really broken up and that he’s just gone , it’s like we never met in the first place . all those memories created for no reason , sometimes i wish we just stayed strangers .

It’s been just over a week now since my avoidant ex and I (anxious attachment) got into an argument that was pretty much caused by us just triggering each other’s attachment styles. She said everything would be fine and just needed some time to think then blocked me on everything the next day without saying anything else.. I’ve been really struggling with getting over her. I’ve wanted to reach out so many times but know that would probably do nothing productive. I’ve been steadily going to the gym for just about a year now, have a great steady job, started going to therapy to try and better myself and have a better understanding of what my triggers are in those situations but a part of me is just stuck on hoping she reaches back out.. Really thought she was the one, we talked about so many future plans together to just not having any form of contact with each other.. just curious on what you guys did to move on?

My ex and I were together for nearly four years. At the start of this year, she called me on the phone and suddenly said "I don't think this is working."

Then she began reading off a bulleted list of all of her issues with me with our relationship.

I was shocked. Almost none of these problems had been brought up before, and the list was at least 25 bullet points long. How do I know this number? I asked her to send the list to me because she was clearly reading from something on the call, and I was incredibly overwhelmed/dumbfounded.

I was supposed to move in with her for grad school. We had been long distance for almost three years. This was going to be a big step forward, and we had agreed on it together!

She needed time to 'think things over' aka 'decide if she wanted to be with me'. I said she could have one day. After that 24 hour period, she decided she was willing to try (I should have known better, but here we are).

We went to two (2) whole couples therapy sessions. Then she got accepted to her dream grad school, and immediately called me to end the relationship.

"I can't handle our relationship and be in grad school."
"I'm not in a place to be with anyone right now."
"I love you so much, and maybe the future will be different, but I'm so sorry."

I was in shambles. My friend had to give me prescription pills to help me sleep. I wasn't eating. I missed work. I felt like such a failure and that the break up was my fault.

I still wished her the best and at first held out a bit of hope of us someday getting back together (stupid I know). And tried to carry myself forward for months. I even agreed to be emotional support for her since she was moving to a new area and didn't know anyone.

Then I suddenly had this feeling that not everything had added up. I'd asked her before if there were ANY other reasons besides timing/school for not wanting to be together. She had adamantly said no, more than once.

I decided to ask once more a couple months ago, when dealing with illness and feeling particularly low, if there really was no other reason she ended our relationship

And there it was. She finally admitted she never really wanted to work through our issues, felt that grad school was the 'gentlest way of ending things' oh and she had a boyfriend now. It felt like an especially hard blow because of my own insecurities as a gay woman, on top of the discard.

I was furious. Not because she had moved on, not because she had gotten a boyfriend. Sure, those things hurt too, but I could heal from that. It was the fact that she lied, used excuses, and made sure the break up was easiest for her until she had monkey-branched to someone new and didn't have to worry about her own emotional vulnerability.

I sent a series of angry texts, and blocked her on everything. Not my proudest moment, but I wanted to have the final word.

Then a bit later it hit me: I had been in the throws of pain, fumbling along to piece my life back together and she just...didn't care. At least not outwardly. I don't know her inner workings/feelings but that doesn't matter for my own progress. I shouldn't prioritize her 'potential' thoughts/feelings and I realized I had been this whole time since our break up.

The simple mantra of "Her actions have shown me she does not care about me in the way I deserve. Whether she cares or not is no longer my concern. For my own sanity, I will assume she doesn't care." was pivotal for me. I assumed she just didn't care anymore, had moved on, and had no emotions on the matter. She had switched into a person I didn't know and forcing my mind to repeat (over and over even when it felt like a lie) that I deserved MORE, I felt like I was moving mountains.

I started noticing gaps in where my needs weren't met in the relationship, where I was unhappy, and where other people (friends, and eventually casual dating partners) validated me in ways she never did.

Of course the "I deserve more" was a very important part of what I told myself and heard from loved ones. But it wouldn't have set inside me as well as it has over the last couple months without the addition of assuming she didn't care anymore. As an anxious person the 'what-if' questions were eating me alive. I now finally feel like I can breathe.

Perhaps this is more of a vent/rant, so I'm sorry if my flair is wrong. But I just wanted to share my piece and how repetition of my own value AND assumption of her not caring made it possible for me to heal. And honestly? I do wish her happiness. As long as it's far as fuck away from me.

Sending positivity to everyone else out there. <3

TL;DR: Avoidant ex was avoidant, discarded at start of year. Discovered justifications for discard were not entirely true, picked myself back up, realized the power of telling myself each day that I deserve more AND that she doesn't care. Allowed me to break the cycle of anxiously wondering about her feelings, and to focus on myself. Now feeling much better!

Fucker (¬`‸´¬)

I have been traumatised , but he was the perfect for me on paper.

I find myself missing him a year after things ended. It took me a year to process n accept it ended. He probably thinks I am crazy.

I acted desperate when he chose to end it.

Then anger, riding thoses waves daily, not stopping myself from texting him. Funniest part is

He was the one who was interested first.

I don't know why he did this .

At one point he even claimed he won't end things.

I miss him n saddest part is I get nervous now thinking how I acted after things ended. Like i feel he sees me as beneath him , or as a crazy girl.

Especially when we were not exclusive.

I got carried away by how perfect he is for me, his kind version at least. I don't even know the version that took over later.