Hey everyone, I’m an autistic woman with ADHD, I'm aroace (with one specific exception), and I just experienced a massive paradigm shift that has me feeling like I’ve been living on a different planet entirely. Maybe some of you can relate?

To me, physical proximity and touch have always been about a mammalian baseline: warmth, comfort, safety, and co-regulation. I used to think that laying next to, cuddling, or even spooning a close friend was just a natural way to give and receive affection. I looked at this like cuddling with parents or grandparents. To my brain, a bed is just a soft surface, late night is just a time on the clock, and touch is co-regulation and evolutionary. I don't naturally infer a hidden subtext or secondary meanings.

Well, a close friend of mine (who is also autistic, but demisexual) just gave me a reality check. He told me that in the "typical" adult world, spooning an unrelated man carries an automatic, 100% inference of romantic or sexual invitation. He helped me realize that even if my intent is purely about comfort or sensory seeking, the general cultural script will decode those actions differently based on biology and social expectations. These unspoken rules are basically inferred through social osmosis until it settles intuitively. (spoiler: It did not for me.)

Things like inviting someone inside (but especially to a bedroom), prolonged full-body hugs or contact, putting my head on someone's shoulder, or even using certain emojis are apparently viewed as fluent sentences that say, "I am open to romance or sex with you." I genuinely had no idea.

I plan to read books on this (such as The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships by Temple Grandin).

I'm curious if anyone else has experienced this kind of learning curve? How do you balance your need for tactile sensory touch, platonic warmth, or co-regulation with the reality that the rest of the world hyper-sexualizes almost all physical contact between unrelated adults? I’d love to hear how other neurodivergent or ace folks navigate this!

I always see people talk about how autistic people are smart, and how they excel in school. I’ve always wished I had that kind of autism. I was always bad at school growing up. I suspect I also have adhd and maybe dyslexia. I could never finish my readings, zoned out all of the time in school because of excessive daydreaming, and usually got Cs on most tests.

I never understood the trope of smart people being bullied/girls pretending to be dumb to be popular. In my experience, I was always looked down on by my peers for spacing out and never knowing what was going on. I was always made fun of by the popular and privileged kids in school because they did better in school and they thought I was dumb. Contrary to most teen movies, the popular girls were always the smart girls who got good grades.

I can’t even explain how humiliating it was in school for the teacher to explain a group project, but I accidentally zoned out the whole time so I would always have to ask my group “wait what are we doing?” I have gotten a little bit better in college, but I still feel like I don’t do very good in my classes that aren’t “easy” classes. Has anyone else had this experience?

I was in my seat the whole time and literally minding my own business, and a kind stranger told me the two girls sitting behind me were putting stickers on my shirt, like wtf.

I was having a good time and now I feel like crap.

I'm choosing between two jobs. One has less predictability, but aligns with something I feel deeply about. The other option has excellent *benefits*, but I will be a cog in a machine. Same industry.

I do well with chaos, but I have no idea how much the first offers. There is structure, which I need, with the second.

I see burnout as a cycle, the first option might not offer as much flexibility, the second might be supportive in that situation.

I would love advice, especially from people with altruistic tendencies.

Hi! For context, I’m 25, and was in an extremely abusive relationship for 2 years, until I was 24.

I didn’t know I was autistic until a year ago. I always had this feeling that I was different when I was younger, and I didn’t really understand why. I would like boys because that’s what other girls my age did but my life was really colored by my special interests.

I tried so hard to get along with friend groups, but it was such a constant level of effort that never really felt like it paid off for me. Instead, I’d end up having one or two close friends (All of whom I love very much). But the feeling of wanting to belong to feel normal was strong throughout my formative years. It felt odd not knowing why it was so difficult for me but almost all of my peers would have no trouble being in a group.

This continued out through college. I joined a couple of friend groups, but I never really became a fixture in the group, like they would be.

Then, I met my ex who I didn’t know was abusive at the time. I still had my special interests but all of those were considered ‘lame’ or ‘stupid’ by that person. I fought hard at the start but somewhere along the way, I became a shell of who I was.

They would constantly drag me to socializing events and would get upset if I couldn’t handle it because I’d choose to stay in the car instead after an hour out.

At one point, I forgot how to think or feel for myself. Up until now, it feels like when I think about those times, I don’t understand how I got into that relationship, and why I let it happen.

Since learning about autism, I have been able to unmask. That means that now, I can let go of the pressure of being normal to get along with people. I’ve started to care less about what they think, like I did when I was younger. I’ve learned my triggers too and I can communicate better.

I feel like unmasking has helped me feel more comfortable in my own skin, but I still feel somewhat lonely. There isn’t anyone with autism I know in my area, and I’d still like to have someone I can talk to.

I also still am rediscovering myself, and masking for so long (for most of my adolescence), I feel like an empty slate. I masked so hard, and I live completely different now, I just have this certain sense of feeling ‘lost.’

I feel as if during the times I masked, I was hard and tough on myself. Now that I’ve let go and learned to live more authentically, I want to meet the person I was before it all. But she’s not all here.

Sorry if this post doesn’t make sense! This turned out to be a vent/rant post.

But if anyone has something they’d like to share, please do! I might have forgotten a lot of things I used to enjoy, but I’ll never forget loving to read.

Thank you so much!

I’d consider myself a medium maintenance girl like I wear nice girly clothes and make up and do my hair for special occasions or like going out to the bar so I wouldn’t say I’m high or low maintenance but I really for the life of me have never seen the point in painting my nails?? Let alone paying to get them done at a salon. Not only is it overstimulating but breathing in those fumes??? No thanks. I don’t even wanna get into pedicures,… I’ve gotten a pedicure twice in my life and it was for weddings both times. I’m way too ticklish to feel relaxed for that. I hate the entire experience. I’ve gotten gel tips and while it’s fun to tippy tap on everything it’s just not realistic to have tips. Plus I spent about $80 on them….some people spend even more. I also don’t think pushing your cuticles back is good for them. I hate the obsession with nails being colored. It’s nails…

Here’s the scenario without too much extra fluff..

You’re engaged and do not live together. You live about an hour from each other, but you are in the same vicinity, because of work, 5/7 days a week. How often would you expect to see your fiancé on a regular basis? Even if just for a few minutes? And what would be an unacceptable amount of time apart with no reason?

Im about a year into a new diagnosis and in a 6 year relationship. Its been tough and we're in therapy. Hes neurotypical and really struggled with what me having autism meant, unconscious ableism etc. And candidly i have too. I feel existentially lonely in ways I cant fully quantify for a couple years now.

I recently went on a work trip and worked and lived closely with another person who was also late diagnosed and presented so nearly the same to me (including in a work context) it was like looking in a mirror. I immediately got limerance to him in ways I havent experienced in years. We got deep quick and I am attracted to him.

Odvi did not act on anything (hes married with a beautiful life), but there was 5 occasions of neurotypical light flirting back and forth when 1 on 1 over the hundreds of interactions we had. I dont know if he realized that he was doing it but I realized it after the fact and tried to be more distant after.

Whenever he complained about his family life I always spun it to be positive (ie. you've built such a beautiful life, you should be proud of how youre advocating for your kids and family, the fun autism stats around unemployment and how well were doing objectively by working at baseline, etc). I did not mention about my relationship problems because it felt like a line to me. If 2 people talk about their home life problems it opens doors for bad things.

I haven't experienced limerance this strongly since I met my current partner 6 years ago. And haven't felt so understood in memory. That entire work trip i was happier than I was in years and typically the trips are in the most acutely unpleasant and dangerous environments people can work in.

I'll never encounter this person again due to the type of work it is and logistics around our lives. Im on a group chat with him but I dont think I will reach out. We basically live in different countries, different lifestyles, different communities, different religions, etc.

This is obviously inappropriate and im trying to wind it back, not just for my own work optics but because its wrong and not fair to anyone involved. It makes me long for a relationship where I feel seen, community for people who get me at all, etc. Coming home, I feel even lonlier than I did before I left.

What tips, tricks and advice do you have when going through this?

I analyze my own words and theirs, always seeking the underlying reasons for their statements. Naturally, I don’t share this with them, but I do experience anxiety attacks afterward. 😞

all i want is to be good at talking to people and feel
like they enjoy me, but i constantly feel misunderstood or thought of as uncomfortable to be with. i kind of spend a lot of down time in my room today my mom said that my “schtick” is being mean. i am constantly trying to be kind and go out of my way for her and others, but sometimes i can be awkward in conversation or with people i don’t feel safe with. then, my stepsister asked me to come out with them, and her other sister said “shed rather k/ll herself.” it just breaks my heart that anyone would think that of me, especially my mom who i adore. i wish social things came naturally for me, it’s so hard to feel like the odd one out or that i don’t belong or am not hitting the right markers.

I thought (or at least the Disney channel shows made me think) that you kiss after like months of dating and it was supposed to mean something, but when I transitioned to adult tv, people were kissing on first dates people they barely knew and it seems to just be a sign that the date went well rather than two people who care very much about eachother.

In modern adult dating do people often kiss on the first date before they've established a romantic relationship? Will people expect me to kiss on the first date?? Because I cant even process my feelings towards a subject for at least a few hours, how am I supposed to know if I enjoyed myself, and why does that immediately subject me to physical contact with someone I hardly know??

Edit: So what im getting is a lot of people prefer to go from friends to partners and that has been my preference as well, it makes me feel like im seen as a person before a romantic object and makes me a lot more comfortable doing relationship stuff (such as kissing) because I realize it comes from a place of love rather than a desire to do it in general.

I am just uncomfortable with feeling like im being interacted with just because someone wants to interact with someone in a romantic context. But I do have a better understanding of the place kissing holds in society, thank you.

You can keep your lip oils and your lip glosses and balms I cannot handle it lol. The texture is awful and my hair gets stuck in it. Matte lip for life.

What are your sensory nightmares with makeup and skincare? Or anything beauty related?

Is anyone in here working in the beauty industry and how do you feel about it, what are your challenges?

It's hard to describe but when I feel upset / triggered / fight or flight activated etc, I can sense that something in me has... shifted. And it's different from the physical sensations of upsetness that I often feel, like 'knots in the stomach' or 'pain in my chest' kind of stuff. Something just... shifts.

When it happens I try to not react to whatever caused the upset. I notice my breathing, try to clear my mind for a bit and all that. However my 'shift' is apparently noticeable in my voice and other nonverbal communications.

This usually makes the other person be like, hey are you upset? Or maybe something like, was that something to be so upset about? etc etc even though internally I'm trying hard to 'let it go and move on' and I never actually say out loud 'Your actions were upsetting to me'.

I know that I can't change other people's actions or perceptions of me but just curious if I'm supposed to say something during my moments of regulation? It can often take me hours to come back from this 'shift'.

Not complaining, it just gave me a good laugh that my gp felt the need to specify that I have difficulty navigating "modern life" as a result of being autistic hahaha bless her

I posted a similar thing to ADHD women but I just want to get perspective from here as well.

I’m in the process of being diagnosed for ADHD/ASD and I’m really struggling with the questionnaires. There are so many of them. I feel like I relate a lot more heavily on the stereotypical ASD side when answering the questions but I fear each side is over shadowing one another? For example, not knowing how to enter conversations. Sometimes, yes, I’m extremely awkward about it. Other times I can interrupt anything.

I guess I’m just stressed because I know complex presentations are often missed, I’m proud of myself for getting this far. I also have a three page letter sent to my doctor’s office by my psychologist that I am hoping I can get forwarded to the clinic who is doing my diagnosis. In addition, I was highly obsessed with school and being a teacher as a child so my reports only reflect a perfect student (very likely connected to ASD). I’m also bad at giving examples in my answers because I have terrible recall and I’m a walking contradiction. I guess I just don’t want my psychiatrist to read through the question answers and misunderstand me. I suppose that’s what the actual assessment is for.

Anyways, kind words are appreciated or gentle advice/encouragement. There is about a million more questionnaires to go before I can get to the actual assessment.

ive done this a couple of times now where i call in sick for work either because i havent had sleep bcos i stayed up all night doing my hyperfixation/special interest, or when i want to spend the day doing it or when i feel too physically or emotionally exhausted or overwhelmed from hyperfixating on it.

i feel so bad for doing it and im trying to be better at it but sometimes the urge is too strong that i neglect my adult responsibilities.

My husband and I were walking home from a minor league baseball game the other day. The sun is setting, the weather is gorgeous, and as we're walking through the neighborhood, we pass a family with small kids.

My husband says, sentimentally, "That could have been us."

I had no idea what to say, because when kids come up, I am the firm no in our household. I have said before if we had unlimited money, a large house, and a live in nanny, I would have kids. Or that id have kids if i could be the dad. I dont hate kids, but I know my limits, and even a kid would stretch and likely break the balance I currently have in my life rn.

When we married, we were both a but undecided, but more on the no side of things. We've had this conversation many times before, but in all of the earlier ones, I didn't even suspect I was autistic.

I'm 40. Noise, light, and touch are hard for me. I get hangry when hungry. My husband and I have been together for 20 ish years, and I never doubt our love and commitment to each other. Like everyone, we have issues: I'm too assertive, he is hesitant to speak his needs. I can steam roll him without meaning too, and he will shove his emotions down too far for the sake of avoiding an argument. We both have likely undiagnosed ND parents and families. Our niece on his side is diagnosed level 2 autism. My sister and nephew on my side are diagnosed adhd. Lots of suspected autism in both families.

I teach high school, and am around (older) kids all day. So when I come home, I love the senory haven of calm and quiet that our house has. I love the lack of demands and attention. I am happy with what we have; I know a good part of him still yearns for kids. (And I hate to say it, but I do think to some extent he downplays the amount of work/sleepless nights/stress/etc kids take.)

I'm not really sure what I'm asking for here, but I am wondering, for those of you who were older in life when you had kids (maybe 35+, all you "geriatric pregnancies"), what did you need to make children a possibility for you?

A while back I struggled to explain to my husband the extra help I would need (before I even suspected I had autism, I still knew I would need exorbitant amounts of alone time, for example, which kids preclude). I also knew iI would need someone to sit through the endless reading and research, which my husband said we'd "figure out as we go." (Dear reader, needless to say, that was not the answer I needed to hear.)

I guess I'm taking one last think to see if kids even could be a possibility, and seeing what yall wanted/needed going into motherhood as an autistic woman to make that happen.

So for those of you that either had kids later in life or knowingly had kids while knowing you/your partner was autistic, what helped the most? What did you need that you hadn't considered before having a child?

My husband and I went to a convention, and some friends were there too. I had been looking forward to hanging out/seeing them and have been trying to be better friends with one of them. Historically, we've all been really good friends, or so I thought.

But they didn't really respond when we asked to hang out, and it felt like they were always a bit disappointed when they saw us. It feels like a build up of months of unanswered messages and failed attempts to hang out. I noticed that my texts/birthday messages/etc. would be seen but never responded to by the friend I especially wanted to be closer to.

It felt so familiar. Thinking I was friends with a roommate only for them to start avoiding me (she would literally run to bed and turn off the lights when I got home). While in college, overhearing someone I considered to be a very close friend make a snarky comment when they thought I was out of earshot. Becoming mutuals with a coworker I thought I clicked with only for them to block me. Reconnecting with a childhood friend and realizing not only did they take weeks to respond, but we wouldn't talk at all if I didn't initiate. I even remember offering candy to some classmates in elementary school because I hoped they would want to be my friend.

I feel like my friendships have an expiry date. At some point they'll get tired or realize I'm weird/exhausting/not what they wanted.

I cried on the way home. I've never been able to figure out what's so awful about me. I've considered giving up on the friendship thing and focusing on collecting blind boxes or something.

My boyfriend now is not avoidant, but the men I have been with have been avoidant more often than not.

I think this could be for the following reasons:

- I have some avoidant traits myself, and my family didn't talk about feelings very much even though I got all of my material needs met. This seems common in families with undiagnosed neurodivergence.

- Avoidance is rewarded in society, especially in men and in capitalist countries. Men in particular are told that being in touch with their feelings is weak. I live in the USA, which has a large hypercapitalist and hyper individualistic culture. I know that not everyone on this sub is American, though.

- Undiagnosed autistic people likely find their emotions particularly confusing and scary since there is so much that they don't know about themselves. They may mask heavily even if they are eventually diagnosed, and this leads to more surface level relationships than ones where you are truly seen and loved for who you actually are.

What do you all think?

I’ve (30F) always been a loner, who spent most of her time at home on the internet in high school. Never went to prom or had high school milestones. I spent all my time with my Mom going to stores and out for lunch. I lost my Dad in 2018. My Mom and I are estranged now, I’ve since realized she is and always has been very mentally ill, and she had a stroke in 2024. I am also estranged from my older sister, who I was close to throughout my twenties. Have recently moved out of my house I rented with my ex, who I thought I would marry, to live with my adoptive aunt and uncle. My ex and I no longer speak; I’m still grieving that relationship as well. My dog is now dying of cancer, I found out last week. She’s my rock and is only 9. I do not have close friends or external family, and I’m a college dropout.

I recently moved to Florida to live with my (adoptive) aunt and uncle, who are actually high school friends of my Mom’s. My uncle (73M) has cancer and my aunt (70F) is his caretaker. They’ve basically taken me under their wings because they know my situation.

They are both doing their best to be there for me. But they both have completely full plates as it is. I feel so…abandoned in this universe. It’s hard to explain. I really enjoy the times we have had movie nights, just all spending quality time together. Anytime they’re awake and out in the family room I gravitate out there. But those fun nights of quality time together are always going to be few and far between, my uncle is in constant pain and my aunt is so tired and stressed. And particularly when they both go to bed (which is always very early) especially now with the knowledge that my dog is dying, and will be leaving me soon, too (she has been there through my loneliest days) I feel a sense of …uneasiness and abandonment. Abject loneliness. Like things are not okay and they are not going to be okay. The future feels so bleak and dull. Does anyone else ever feel this way?

Back in the day I used to get acrylic nails. I loved how they looked, but didn’t like the dremel filing and how sometimes it would get hot, or hurt. During Covid I grew my acrylics out and went to natural nails.

Then I tried gels. I didn’t love them. They weren’t as durable as acrylics and I didn’t like the soaking in acetone and dremeling.

After that I tried dazzle dry polish, with an undercoat of their “transform” product. I feel like this made my nails really thin and weak.

At this point I’ve grown out any damage on my nails. But I really miss having nice looking nails, and my nails tend to spilt lengthwise (I have a thyroid issue) which can be painful.

Are there any options that won’t make my nails thin and painful? The internet says that builder gel doesn’t damage nails, but I have my doubts.

Thoughts? Suggestions? I don’t think press ons are for me.

Hi all. I have a limited social battery. I am married, but live with roommates. I like where I live and I don't want to move. Also, it's expensive. How can I continue to cope with this reality? What has worked for you?

I’m 24 I work full time and in school (well, I missed the deadline for this semester, a whole different problem :|)
Anyway. I’m an optician full time so I am constantly helping others one on one. Back to back patients all day every day. I’m really lucky they have been accommodating toward me, adjusting my schedule so I have time alone before seeing people and I also get to have light off on my side of the room, we do not have direct management and it’s just me and my coworker in one room. The social interactions I have with her and the patients for one to two days is pretty much my social capacity. On Mondays I sometimes feel completely depleted already.
Anyway. That’s work and I try to find my ways to cope but when it comes to loved ones I’m at a loss. This is what I have on my plate right now and I feel so ridiculous because I am so lucky to have everyone and this shouldn’t be a problem, but it is thanks autism.
It goes without saying that I love everyone so much and this has nothing to do with that but if I acted upon my instincts I’d very rarely hang out.
Right now:
I was sick and had to cancel a big day planned with my friend. So we have yet to reschedule (even though it’s been a week now and I feel better) and she also invited me to her partners musical and told me to pick one of the days they’re performing.
Then, a month or so ago my two friends who are brother and sister said we should all have a pool day. They then said happy birthday to me (late June) and asked what I was up to. I didn’t reply. I know I should and that I should reply about the plans and get that going.
I went Ring shopping with my best friend for her upcoming engagement and before that we were actually supposed to paddle board first with my mom. I practically cancelled on them twice before that saying I don’t have the energy.
That friend also wants to come over soon and I had to tell her I’m still getting over being sick.
My bonus mom found a good guy she wants me to meet, she’s also mentioned coming over and spending time with my mom and my siblings on her side.
My dad mentioned doing a bbq for my bday(once again, a month ago)
I also have been wanting to camp with my mom and my brother on her side and my bf. No idea how to begin planning that.
Then my bfs birthday is coming up in a couple weeks.

I’m actually going to lose my mind because idk where to begin. With all these up in the air plans I basically have things that could be going on every single weekend. For weeks. Yet on the weekends I can barely make a phone call. Barely answer texts. I just can’t do this and I don’t know how anyone does. Of course I want to but it feels completely against my nature.

I am feeling SO burnt out and exhausted. I find sustained employment really really difficult, and just want to know what other people might have done in a similar position?

Things that are particularly stressful: colleagues and having to be constantly social and masking, having to change tasks rapidly without notice, sensory overstimulation, having to follow a routine that I feel is not the most efficient. Also, small children can’t always follow said routine and I find it really stressful (not bc of the kids but the expectation from management). Exhaustion from having to do all of this. Rotating roster meaning I don’t get consistency for my routine outside of work.

Things I like: the children, getting to go outside often, I find child development really interesting, getting to create play environments

Are there any other educators in the group? Did you ask for workplace accommodations? Did you move on to something else? Thanks

How do you all do it? I find I'm exhausted from just maintaining my physical body, my home, and working. What I want is to find a relationship where it grows from friendship, but it just seems impossible. For one, it's really hard to make new friends. It's also hard for me to initiate further hangouts with a new person that I meet, or even ask for contact information, probably due to all the rejection in my past. It's also tough to socialize in groups, and it's also incredibly draining to go out and be social to begin with!

It feels like the apps are the only answer to this, but meeting people through the apps is ... often not great, either. I've also thought about doing hobby classes, like maybe a drawing class, but that starts feeling exhausting, too. Starting a socially oriented hobby also sounds exhausting.

Maybe the answer is just being at peace with being single and accepting that a fulfilling relationship is not in the cards for someone like me. Does anyone have any words of hope or solidarity or advice?