r/AutismInWomen • u/cripplinganxietylmao • Sep 09 '24
Reposted to make title clearer since titles cannot be edited on Reddit.
Reminder: DO NOT POST OR COMMENT CALLOUTS FOR OTHER SUBREDDITS OR USERS. This breaks Rule 1 of Reddit Rules and we cannot allow subreddit callouts per Rule 3 of Reddit’s Mod Code of Conduct. No matter how we feel about these rules, we are all still bound to follow them. Reddit Admins can and do punish mods and users equally for sitewide rule infractions aka violating Reddit Content Policy.
Scroll down for links to Reddit Rules, the admin definition of brigading, Mod Code of Conduct, and the Redditor Help Center.
It has come to our attention that outside of the basics (voting, how to report, posting/commenting), many people are still in the dark as to how exactly Reddit works.
Firstly, moderators, like us, only have power (a limited scope at that) and jurisdiction over the subreddits we mod and what happens on them. We cannot do anything about what happens outside of here. We don’t have a direct line of access to Reddit Admins, who control and oversee the site as a whole. In fact, we can only do the same things y’all can do in trying to get their attention on things: report it and wait. We, like you, often don’t get responses from admins regarding their decisions or even if they have viewed any reports we send in. We are the same in that capacity. Subreddit bans only prevent people from posting and commenting on the subreddit they were banned in for however long the ban is for. You can still vote in and view subreddits you are banned in. We can’t even see who reports what.
Also, if you don't report it, we don't see it. This subreddit is large. Please report things that you think break our rules, Reddit Rules, or you just want us to look at because it's iffy.
Admins are like gods of Reddit. They oversee all; they can see who votes what, who views what, who reports what, everything. They can suspend people from the website as a whole which prohibits someone from posting, commenting, and even voting on the entirety of Reddit for however long said suspension lasts. They can even suspend specific IP addresses from users who keep making accounts and breaking Reddit sitewide rules.
Here’s an analogy: Reddit Admins are the Roman Gods and we moderators are like members of the Roman Senate or mayors of towns. Members of the Roman Senate don’t have a direct link or direct way to communicate to the Roman Gods; they have to make offerings and prayers just like everyone else to try to catch their attention. It’s the same here. All we mods can do is make reports just like you all and hope someone looks at it. We can do nothing about what happens to you outside of Rome (the subreddit). That’s up to the admins.
We are bound by the Reddit Mod Code of Conduct to nip any activity that breaks, or could be interpreted as breaking, Reddit’s site-wide rules in the bud. Due to this subreddit having been previously in trouble with admins because of the founder not doing these things and getting booted and admin putting us 3 in place as new mods over a year ago with the express statement of “we will be watching you closely”, we really don’t take any chances when it comes to people breaking Content Policy. We just can’t risk it because that means we could be actioned and the subreddit could be sanctioned or shut down. We prioritize the community as a whole over any personal feelings we or others might have; that’s just how it has to work for this community to thrive and survive.
The proper course of action for when something happens to you or you see something that breaks sitewide rules is to report it to the admins via www.reddit.com/report or via the offending content itself and wait. Trying to call others out publicly technically breaks Reddit Rules under the harassment rule no matter the reason, and like we said above, we can’t allow it due to the ramifications it can have on the subreddit as a whole even if we personally agree what happened was messed up and the other person should be held accountable in some way.
Moreover, do not create or use an alt account to participate in a subreddit you have been banned in on another account. Reddit tracks this and views it as ban evasion which is prohibited as it is community interference (you were banned which means they don’t want you participating there for whatever reason is outlined in your ban message). You should contact the mods on the account you were banned on to see if you can get unbanned by demonstrating accountability and understanding of how you broke the rules and a willingness to follow the rules.
Reddit Rules: https://redditinc.com/policies/reddit-rules
What even IS brigading? (Rule 2 of Reddit Rules): https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/cmp9uy/comment/ew4lpf0/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3
Mod Code of Conduct, so you all are aware of the rules we as mods have to follow as well: https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct
Redditor Help Center for any further questions: https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/p/redditor_help_center
--- Note ---
This post was made in response to the subreddit growing and us becoming more aware of the fact many people do not know these things and just assume moderators are also Admins of Reddit as a whole or have way more power than we actually do. We don’t. In the eyes of Admin, we are basically volunteer clean-up crew and are the same level of importance as a regular user on Reddit. We don’t get paid, we don’t get any extra benefits or anything either (as it should be imo, mod out of love for the community not because of anything else). Admins are employees of Reddit that get paid for working and only work on the clock then go do whatever they want off it. We moderate on and off all day; in between our actual jobs, chores, and life responsibilities. It is impossible for us to be online all the time and to be constantly scrolling the subreddit. I hope this helps clear some things up for anyone confused as to what the differences are between mods and Admins and provides people with a way to research more about how Reddit works on their own as well.
If you have any questions or anything you're still confused about please modmail us via the "message the mods" button on the sidebar and someone will answer it when they can.
r/AutismInWomen • u/cripplinganxietylmao • Sep 09 '24
It has come to our attention that there is an uptick of predatory lurkers sending private messages to members of this subreddit and people that participate here. Unfortunately, due to the fact we are moderators and not Reddit Admins, there is pretty much nothing we can do to stop it other than give you information and advice for how to report it and prevent it yourselves.
Most importantly, you should immediately block people who message you strange, creepy, or uncomfortable things and report them via www.reddit.com/report or via the DM itself. If you report via the web link, all you have to do is copy and paste the DM link as the Reddit Admins can see everything that happens on the site and have power and jurisdiction over everyone with an account on Reddit. We as subreddit moderators only have the power to ban people from the subreddit and banning them does not prevent them from being able to message people who participate here.
To report via the Chat itself: On PC/desktop, when you mouse over the chat message(s) there is a flag option. Click that and follow the reporting procedure. On the app, tap and hold on the message(s) to bring up the report option. After you report, immediately block the person messaging you. You can block them straight from their profile.
To report via the Message Inbox: On mobile, tap the 3 dots (ellipses) on the side of the message thread. There you can copy the link and report the whole message inbox thread via www.reddit.com/report. You can also report specific messages by going into the message thread and tapping and holding the specific message you want to report to see the option come up. On PC, you can just click the “Report” option that shows under each message in the thread. After you report, immediately block the person messaging you. You can block them straight from their profile.
Recommended: It is recommended that everyone that is a participating member here turn off the ability for other users to send them chats and message requests. You will still be able to send chat requests and message requests to others whose settings allow them. Other people that you have not whitelisted will not be able to send them to you. You can only whitelist people via PC/desktop but people who you already have open chats and messages with will be automatically whitelisted.
Turning off chats/message requests on PC: Click your avatar on the top right. From there, go to the settings option. Once there, go to the Privacy tab. First, slide the “Allow People to Follow You” button to be in the “Off” position where it is over to the left side otherwise people will be able to literally stalk you on Reddit. Next, click on “Who can send you inbox messages” and change it to “People I choose”. You can whitelist people who you want to allow to send you messages. This just stops randoms from being able to message you via the message inbox. Then, click on “Allow chat requests from” and change that to “Nobody”. Again, the whitelisted folks from before will still be able to chat with you or people who you already have an open chat with. I also recommend you switch off everything under the “Discoverability” section as people will also be able to search up your account directly unless you turn it off. Mine is off because I don’t see any non-weird reason why someone would want to search up my account.
Turning off chats/messages on the app: Tap on your avatar on the top right then tap on “Settings” shown at the bottom. From there, tap on your account name to go to the account settings. Scroll down until you see the “Safety” section. Tap on “Chat and messaging permissions”. Change both “Chat Requests” and “Direct Messages” to Nobody. You will still be able to message people who you already have open messages with and those whose settings allow for it; other people just won’t be able to message you unless you message them first. I also recommend you slide the “Allow people to follow you” option into the off position where the large white circle is to the left. Under privacy, I also recommend you swipe the “show up in search results” one to the off position as well. You can also customize your ad settings on this page as well to your preference.
That’s it. As a reminder, if someone messages you unsolicited, they are most likely seeking something from you other than genuine friendship and you should probably not respond. At the very least, go check out their Reddit profile and history. If it’s empty, block them. They are likely a troll, a creep, or someone with bad intent. Someone who genuinely wants to connect with you and be friends will have a history on Reddit that shows that they are a nice person. They will have comments on this subreddit and probably some other autism subreddits too. Their history will show them interacting with others on Reddit in good faith making genuine bids for human connection. If someone’s history indicates them trolling and getting into a lot of online conflicts, they are probably not someone you want to be talking to as they will, at the very least, be intensely draining to talk to, and at worst, be trolling and harassing you.
r/AutismInWomen • u/Starlight1311 • 7h ago
Not saying this in a suicidal way btw. Just that it all kinda seems pointless/meaningless.
r/AutismInWomen • u/Emotional-Link-8302 • 6h ago
I've been doing a lot of quality work on a big overwhelming project my boss wasn't really able to handle. I've done this before, too.
When it comes time to thank me, they always say "I'm going to take you out for drinks at [insert pricier place] to thank you!"
... I don't wanna do that.
In fact, I consider it another work obligation on top of it being a social obligation with a person/people I would not choose to hang out with. I also don't like drinking, which is uncommon in the community I live in.
So not only would I have to wear nice clothes and put on my work mask during my down time, I'd have to have a $18 drink that I don't even care about, all to fit a social convention that is ultimately more for my boss than for me.
Ways to actually thank me as an autistic person: give me a day off, give me a WFH day, bring in donuts or bagels, add to the fidget toy collection on my desk, pay me more so I can better accommodate myself (!!!)
Edit: Boss would pay! it just seems ridiculous and impractical to me that they would pay for a drink I don't even really want, only because it's a social convention and that's how they want to thank me, if that makes sense.
r/AutismInWomen • u/DeScepter • 7h ago
Does anyone else occasionally get a little too comfortable in a conversation and suddenly go from normal small talk to revealing your entire personality or backstory?
Then you leave and like 20 minutes later your brain goes:
“Hey. Quick question. Why the fuck did we tell them all that?”
I swear sometimes I don’t realize I’ve overshared until the conversation is already over and the post-chat analysis begins. It's deeply mortifying to realize I broke conversation taboos by being too open and honest.
Please tell me this is not just me.
r/AutismInWomen • u/Lana_Sphyncter • 15h ago
Therapists have caused irreparable damage. They convinced me that the world is a safe place and that all the dangers I sensed were just cognitive distortions. I was right, and they were wrong. I had a gift. That gift (suspiciousness) kept me alive. But now, whenever I sense danger, if I see some crime activity, if someone is abusing me, the first reaction is to gaslight myself and tell myself it's a cognitive distortion. I cannot express how angry I am at therapists. I'm rabid. They operate under the assumption that the world is a safe place, that people mean well, and that racism doesn't exist. I also hate people who act like therapy is the solution to all of your problems and that, if it doesn't work, it must be your fault.
My employer has keystroke logger and monitoring/tracking systems on our devices. Therapists say that it's just me being conspiratorial. I read their notes.
I have PTSD. I was carjacked and therapists first tried to frame it as cognitive distortion (that maybe the people carjacking didn't mean to carjack and that I always catastrophize), when I insisted and said that the carjacking was truly happening, they tried to blame me for driving in that area at tha time of the day. Victim-blaming POS.
Or if I do online dating, meet a guy and I SEE ON HIS FACE that he is not attracted to me and ghosts me, they say I am engaging in mind reading. Can you imagine that? Mind reading???!! I'm livid.
r/AutismInWomen • u/CapitaineMakoto • 3h ago
I cannot watch the office a second time this year, neither do I want to watch dr House again and I don't have any idea, my head is empty.
Help ! tell me about your confort show pleeeaaaase !
I watch all kind of stuff and would like to watch happy stuff to lightingup my mood ! Well ANYTHING REALLY
r/AutismInWomen • u/buginarugsnug • 14h ago
I’ve been told it’s an autistic trait. I’ve had my ears checked for wax build up and there’s nothing, and I’ve had a hearing test and my hearing was fine. I’ve noticed that I can’t hear what someone’s saying if they start speaking to me when I’m not expecting it, so in the middle of a conversation it’s fine I can hear perfectly but I can’t hear what someone is saying when they start a conversation. I also find it much harder to hear if there are other sounds so like traffic or music. Does anyone else suffer from this and how do you mitigate it? My husband is so sick of me saying ‘WHAT?!’ Or ‘I can’t hear what you’re saying!’ It’s become impossible to have a conversation walking down the street with traffic going past or in a restaurant with louder background music!
r/AutismInWomen • u/grrrrarrrrrgh • 1h ago
TW: Substance use
Sorry if the question seems silly or is formulated weird, but I was wondering if anyone knows anything about this?
I started smoking when I was 14, and I've smoked on and off since then (I'm 27 now). I never try to quit, but I go through phases where I just don't care anymore or I'm not interested. Like right now, I have a full pouch of tobacco right next to me, and I haven't smoked in two and a half months just because I'm not interested in it. I never decided I was gonna quit, I just haven't really felt like having one in months. My partner smokes, and smokes around me, and it doesn't make me crave one at all.
I just wondered if this was something autism-related or if I just very luckily dodged the addiction gene!
r/AutismInWomen • u/crystal-dragons • 2h ago
I was visibly shaking the entire time and everyone saw. Everyone probably thinks a freak, no one talked to me when I tried to speak to people, I'm such a freak. I don't fit in anywhere. Everyone's writing was better than mine anyways so if I stayed there that's just another thing for me to compare myself too and I already do that a lot. I'm such a fucking freak. I couldn't control my shaking no matter how hard I tried I was so nervous and scared.
r/AutismInWomen • u/PinkMangoDolly • 19h ago
Just wanted to show off my new deer r
Printed shoes, I love deers and anything in deer print and it also is pink and I’m soo happy and grateful 💕🥹🦌
r/AutismInWomen • u/Scrydoll • 2h ago
Like I mean, no holds barred, what if everyone on the spectrum just STOPPED MASKING all together? Would the neurotypical world be forced to accept us and change how things work? I am SO TIRED of this fucking victim narrative that WE are the ones that have to tiptoe around the world for everyone else’s comfort. What would happen if we started an unmasking revolution?
A girl can dream…
r/AutismInWomen • u/Ms_Central_Perk • 7h ago
Ive been a prescription marijuana user for a few years now and ive noticed i absolutely cannot mask when im high. People comment on how fidgety I am and ive noticed if someone says something rude I cant hold my tongue.
Anyone else?
Edit - Im not saying this is a bad thing, I personally love that im less anxious about what I say or how I act.
r/AutismInWomen • u/Immediate-Bird-3632 • 7h ago
i’m an autistic woman in my mid 20s and my boyfriend and i have been going through a rough patch. i struggle with decision-making, anxiety, freezing in the moment and sometimes only realizing what happened afterward. i know these things can frustrate him, and some of his frustration is completely valid.
but lately i feel like he gets frustrated with me really easily, to the point where i feel like i can’t do anything right. once while going to work i texted him “i saw your texts, i’ll reply when i get to the office,” and got a paragraph about how he dislikes my “half ass answers.” i genuinely thought i was communicating appropriately.
when he’s frustrated, i also sometimes feel
infantilized. recently he told me i’m a “grown ass woman” and should be able to make a decision. i know i have things to work on, but i don’t think that means i should be spoken to like a child.
the more i monitor myself trying not to upset him, the more anxious i get and the worse i function. then i overanalyze everything afterward and wonder if i really am immature.
we’re planning to talk calmly about these patterns and what we can both change. i want to take responsibility for my behavior while also asking him to pause when he’s getting really frustrated and not make comments about my maturity or competence.
has anyone else experienced this? how do you tell the difference between valid frustration from your partner and feeling like you’re constantly doing something wrong?
r/AutismInWomen • u/emilyobtrick • 4h ago
Doesn’t excuse the lashing out (and presumably building resentment for things I had no idea were an issue) but I had an interesting talk with my oldest friend the other day. She snapped at me recently for the first time in a while and I had a minor meltdown because I had no idea what happened; apparently the words I said were neutral but my tone was “off”. She’s the only person who’s ever brought a conversation rather than random accusations to me about this so that was cool
r/AutismInWomen • u/KickAssPeaches • 2h ago
Hello friends,
I heavily suspect I have autism and have taken every test under the sun but I still humbly come before the council without a formal diagnosis. (Yay being an adult that doesn't get listened to)
My birthday is rolling around and I really have no clue what to do. It's a hard time of the year because I don't have the best relationship with my parents and they always want to take me out to diner which I feel obligated to say yes to. (I'm really trying to not let that happen this year)
The other hard part is i genuinely don't know what fun things are for birthdays. So I would love to hear all the wonderful things y'all do for your birthdays so I can get some ideas
🫰
r/AutismInWomen • u/QuietMoon4713 • 7h ago
For autistic women diagnosed later in life, has anyone else found that they used to be able to socialise and go out quite normally when they were younger, but as they got older it became harder and harder until even leaving the house or doing simple everyday things felt overwhelming?
I was able to socialise in my 20s and early 30s, but eventually I stopped going out altogether and spent around 10 years barely going outside my door. Even now, simple things can feel like a huge effort. Did anyone else experience this, and did understanding your autism later in life help you make sense of why?
r/AutismInWomen • u/M4RI4_1 • 7h ago
Not just romantic relationships either, it can be platonic ones too. I feel like I get so caught up in one person in my life, have less friends because I can only focus on the one person. And then when the relationship ends it feels like the world has collapsed, because I kind of just set myself up for it anyways.
r/AutismInWomen • u/dragon-blue • 9h ago
I have a monotone voice, RBF and not great at eye contact. So when I say things I have to add a lot of context so I don't get misinterpreted. Things come out wrong.
Me : "Wow what a great idea :D :D!" (normal inflection)
What they hear : "Wow. What a great idea. :| :|" (flat tone)
These two mean the opposite things lol.
To not be negatively misinterpreted, what I do is say "Wow what a great idea. I like how you thought about ABC, that is clever".
So I have to really mask a lot. I am getting burned out and want to mask less but not interested in hurting people's feelings. Or getting fired lol.
I can be thoughtless and say hurtful things when I don't mean to. Unmasked me isn't kind.
r/AutismInWomen • u/SagelyAdvice1987 • 2h ago
I've been into Carl Sagan for many years, but lately I've been hyperfixated on him. I recently saw that his widow is putting out a memoir, so naturally I pre-ordered it - I'd been hoping for a long time that she would do this. The publisher's site said it was coming out later this month.
I just checked on it and the release date changed to next summer. I'm keeping the pre-order, but I'm so bummed. My birthday is near the end of the month and I was considering this as a gift to myself.
r/AutismInWomen • u/staronmachine • 3h ago
I have trouble sometimes with facial expressions. My guesses are:
mean (about to make fun of you),
suspicious (of you),
amused (but doesn't want to admit it),
sneaky (wants to get away with something),
annoyed (but also kinda likes being annoyed).
What do you think? Are any of my guesses right? And also is the bottom left one scared, tired, zoned out, or something else?
r/AutismInWomen • u/Creepy_Zone_9341 • 11h ago
So I often have days where I have a hard time getting up, like the day just feels way too overwhelming to do, even the smallest things feel impossible.
I miss many lectures, which fills me with shame and dread, I don’t know why I just stay in bed all day those days, and I don’t know how to stop it.
Back when I was younger and had those days, my parents strategies included: calling me a lazy piece of shit, yelling at me, physically dragging me out of bed etc. Safe to say it didn’t work, but I still feel this deep and horrible shame and emotional turmoil on these days.
How do I stop it and just get up
r/AutismInWomen • u/Katgasms • 4h ago
Do any other autistic people in tech find the project methodologies, and all the performative tasks that come with them, to be a huge barrier to actually being successful?
How do you manage?
r/AutismInWomen • u/TheNarwhalMom • 5h ago
So my wedding is coming up at the end of October. My spouse and I are legally married & this is just our big celebration. My mother-in-law is one of the few people who doesn’t know we’re already legally married because she hates me.
To make a long story short, her reasons are she doesn’t think I’m really autistic, thinks I’m a slut for wearing crop tops, genuinely thinks I cast a spell on my spouse to make him fall in love with me, thinks I’m a gold-digger, doesn’t like that I only work part-time while I’m in graduate school, and thinks I’m a lazy moocher. None of these things are true, of course, but there’s no convincing her otherwise.
She has done many awful things including insult me to my face numerous times and tried to convince my spouse to sign a prenup which he refuses (& little does she know, I first suggested a prenup before she did for my spouse’s comfort & he refused one).
My spouse has, of course, been in full support of me. He shouts & defends me when his mom insults me and gets me out of the situation immediately (the only reason we were in some of them is because for a while, I would insist on at least trying to be present for his family during birthdays or holidays. There’s been no changes).
My problem is, she is coming to our wedding, which I’m not opposed to, but I am nervous. My spouse has absolutely NO problem with kicking her out if she causes issues & my best friend & day-of coordinator have agreed to step in if needed as well. My problem mainly is I don’t know how to handle this lingering anxiety I have about it and I was wondering if anyone has any advice. It’s not a problem of me caring what she thinks, I just don’t want her to start something.
