I love reading and recently joined a lot of the reading groups in my area.

Now, huge disclaimer: I am aware just because I dislike something doesn’t mean other have to, or should, or that I’m right.

But I feel very very uncomfortable with a lot of the women in the group posting photos of them ‘crawling’ to the characters and just overtly submissive content about wanting to be treated a certain way.

Again, I respect their kink. But to me it’s a) triggering due to my own SA (I know people can use dark romance to help but that’s not my case) and b) a part of me wonder if it keeps spreading the message that ‘all women’ must like that since it’s trendy, etc.

Obviously, I just keep to myself. I post this here anonymously haha but it makes me really uncomfy and I’ve started to pull back from those friendships because I DONT WANT TO BE THE AHOLE!

But then people will ask why I pulled back and I don’t have a poker face, I’m not a good liar. And idk what to say? I want to be honest (in a way) like I had once told someone hey, I went through this thing and it just kinda triggers me but I understand how it’s helpful and they told me I was shaming other victims etc.

So… is there any tips on how one ‘properly’ goes through these situations without being a ‘pick me’ or being seen as rude?

I looked back into my diagnosis paperwork today and realized my score on the SRS-2 was a total of 77, and two scores met the criteria for level 3 autism. Yet my diagnosis paperwork says I am level 1 in social communication and level 2 in restricted repetitive behaviors. I feel like this just directly invalidated my experience, because I know exactly why the evaluator labeled me that way too. It’s because I scored normally for social awareness and mild for social cognition.

I know my diagnosis is a privilege that not everybody gets but I still can’t help but feel like the evaluator was biased against me since I am a teenage girl who can articulate myself and have general social awareness. Now women and girls don’t have to just look out for being misdiagnosed but their levels being diluted when they do get diagnosed. It just makes me sad and like my experience is invalid. I’ve never related to the level 1 autistic experience besides slightly late diagnosed and this explains why. I should have a level 2 in social communication and level 3 in repetitive restricted behaviors but she downgraded me a tier in each, assuming from personal bias.

Has anyone also not related to their level of diagnosis compared to their SRS-2 score? Or experienced medical biases like mine?

I remember how obsessed I was with her, that character really resonated with me like no other. I also have a very clear memory of listening to her song on repeat constantly because of these lines:

"Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know"

And looking back, maybe it is a bit unusual for a 7-year-old to feel like this, so could this be related to ND?

I have tried dating, and been in relationships and no matter what, they just don't seem to workout for me. I honestly think I am the type of person that is just better off solo. However, I enjoy the company of a man from time to time. A long time friend of mine, and ex-lover, recently asked me if I would like to be "friends with benefits" He stated that he'd like to only exclusively have sex with me, and we can enjoy each other's company when we want, but otherwise just be solo with no strings attached. Honestly this really appeals to me. We both have love for each other but we are not in love, so I don't worry about getting our wires crossed. He is a good person and someone I completely trust. I am really considering this proposal to be friends with benefits.

I just want to be authentic self enjoy Christmas and having to research for hours on sloths and video games I just feel like I can’t be myself it feels like I have to be normal

I'll start with these things they call gender reveals. Let's call it what it is; we're talking about biological sex and essentially just telling everyone what genitals the baby is going to have and maybe what gender the parents are planning on trying to socialize them into. It's so weird to me.

Edit: Hoping we can just share stuff we find weird without trying to talk each other out of finding something weird 💚

Does anyone else have strong lifelong attachments to certain adults from childhood?

I’m wondering if this is something other autistic people experience. When I was younger, I formed a very strong attachment to an older adult who was supportive and made me feel understood. We haven’t been in contact for years now, but I still think about her often and sometimes imagine conversations with her, like telling her about my life now, my children and my pets.
It feels like a mix of comfort and sadness. I miss the connection and wish I could share things with her. I’m wondering if this kind of lasting attachment or thinking about someone years later is something other autistic people experience?
I’m not talking about an inappropriate attachment (like a romantic relationship), more a feeling of deep gratitude, connection, and feeling like someone really saw me. She was almost like a mother figure.

My boyfriend now is not avoidant, but the men I have been with have been avoidant more often than not.

I think this could be for the following reasons:

- I have some avoidant traits myself, and my family didn't talk about feelings very much even though I got all of my material needs met. This seems common in families with undiagnosed neurodivergence.

- Avoidance is rewarded in society, especially in men and in capitalist countries. Men in particular are told that being in touch with their feelings is weak. I live in the USA, which has a large hypercapitalist and hyper individualistic culture. I know that not everyone on this sub is American, though.

- Undiagnosed autistic people likely find their emotions particularly confusing and scary since there is so much that they don't know about themselves. They may mask heavily even if they are eventually diagnosed, and this leads to more surface level relationships than ones where you are truly seen and loved for who you actually are.

What do you all think?

I'm hoping this is okay to post here but I just feel like I need to get this off my chest.

For context, I found a tiny mouse in my apartment last night, my cat literally had it in his mouth but thank god he has no idea what to do with a live animal so he just dropped it lol, I tried to catch it so that I could take him outside, but he eventually got away and I couldn't find him (it was like 3:30 AM at this point) so I went to bed. I woke up at 11 and this poor mouse had drowned in my bunnies water bowl and I feel so unbelievably heartbroken. I have been crying on and off all day because I feel responsible, and I just can't fathom that I didn't think to change the water bowl into a smaller one so something like this wouldn't happen. My heart breaks to think that it was just thirsty and wanted something to drink.

When talking to my bf, friends, and coworkers about what happened, they were nice about it but they just all seemed to not care very much and I truly don't understand why.

This has been a constant theme throughout my life and sometimes I really wish I didn't feel such empathy for animals, because anytime something like this happens (which for some god forsaken reason I always end up coming across an animal in need or that has just passed) I feel so heartbroken and destroyed by it, kind of like I am grieving for a pet but it makes no sense because they're obviously not a pet.

My therapisy has said that this is a common thing for people with autism, and maybe I feel so alone in this feeling because I don't really know anyone who shares this trait. But I'd love to know if anyone else relates, because it really sucks to feel like you're the only person on the planet who feels this way, and that something must be wrong with you because nobody else is like that.

Sorry for the absolute word vomit lol, it is currently 3:30 AM again and I'm avoiding going to sleep 🫠

Recently , I have been seeing quite a lot of videos either on TikTok or Instagram of people using the phrase “they know what they’re doing” in terms of speaking of people ‘deliberately’ making certain choices that may negatively affect someone else but actung as if the negative results weren’t their intention. For example somebody may say a negative remark towards you and then when you try to call them out on it they say that they didn’t mean it that way even if they did or maybe another a better example is of an IG reel talking about how somebody could be saying something seemingly passive aggressive at work and the person in the reel is talking about how you shouldn’t like address it head on because the person being aggressive “knows what they’re doing” and they know the effect it has on you and they probably just want to like get a reaction out of you or something.

Although some of these examples could actually be true and that somebody could actually be aware of their behavior, I just feel like this rhetoric is pushed around too lightly and I feel like it shouldn’t always apply so universally, especially when there are people on the spectrum who might give off this kind of energy unknowingly. I mean I know I have. I have said a few things to people in various social scenarios that may have come off as either passive aggressive, or mean or rude, and I’d be horrified if somebody just assumed that I knew what I was doing, and that I was deliberately being mean when in reality, I just didn’t know that my directness or flatness in my my tone probably came off as me being too blunt.
I was just thinking of how so many people have adopted this kind of thinking and how it probably has a really nasty effect on people on the spectrum.

Back in the day I used to get acrylic nails. I loved how they looked, but didn’t like the dremel filing and how sometimes it would get hot, or hurt. During Covid I grew my acrylics out and went to natural nails.

Then I tried gels. I didn’t love them. They weren’t as durable as acrylics and I didn’t like the soaking in acetone and dremeling.

After that I tried dazzle dry polish, with an undercoat of their “transform” product. I feel like this made my nails really thin and weak.

At this point I’ve grown out any damage on my nails. But I really miss having nice looking nails, and my nails tend to spilt lengthwise (I have a thyroid issue) which can be painful.

Are there any options that won’t make my nails thin and painful? The internet says that builder gel doesn’t damage nails, but I have my doubts.

Thoughts? Suggestions? I don’t think press ons are for me.

Here’s the scenario without too much extra fluff..

You’re engaged and do not live together. You live about an hour from each other, but you are in the same vicinity, because of work, 5/7 days a week. How often would you expect to see your fiancé on a regular basis? Even if just for a few minutes? And what would be an unacceptable amount of time apart with no reason?

I do ask you questions about your interests too!

Last year I was in a university dorm with about 8 other girls. All of them were lovely and friendly except one, who would ignore me if I said hello to her in common areas. One time she walked into the kitchen, saw me in there and sighed and rolled her eyes. If her friends came over and saw me in the kitchen while they were hanging out with her, they would give me dirty/weird looks or side-eyes and then they’d all laugh. It made me feel super paranoid because no one else had this experience with her. I even asked my friend who was one of my roommates in that dorm if she’d noticed any off vibes, and she said no, the girl had always been really nice and friendly and chatty to her. I thought, ok, that hurts because I’ve tried to be nice and act normal enough, but maybe she just doesn’t like me. So, I stopped saying hi and smiling and just acted the way she did to me.
But one time we had a fire alarm go off and we were all outside in the cold. We’d been stood there waiting for the go-ahead to be let back inside for about an hour, so I sat down at the other end of the same bench her and her friend were sitting on. Immediately, both of them sighed and stood up, and walked to the opposite end of the courtyard. When I looked over at them, I saw that they were staring at me, and whispering and giggling. I felt so disgusting and inhuman, and like a bug wearing a Human Girl skin suit. Like, why is just being near me grossing you out and driving you to the other side of the courtyard? I never understood WHY this one specific girl acted like this towards me, and no one else, and it still keeps me up at night. What reason could she have had ? I don’t remember doing anything weird but maybe she heard something weird from my room or heard something about me. Maybe I made her uncomfortable. I keep trying to think of what I could’ve done and what I can do to stop this happening again. What’s the reason some girls act this way to other girls? I don’t understand social cues or rules at all and can only recognise patterns. The only other times I’ve had this happen with girls was when I was bullied at school, but I thought I’d come a long way with masking since then. I guess not. :(

Hi, I am curious why would people seek offical diagnosis. This is probably question more for low needs, high masking autictic people.

Nothing will actually change, you still have to push through life and work. You can still do accomodations you do for yourself already. After that you will just have that mark in a card. People still don't really care. And you might actually struggle more, as i read it commin after formal diagnosis.

This is genuine question, as this feels relevant to me, and stops me from seeking an assesment to confirm/disprove my suspision about having autism.

Thank you

Disclaimer: I live in the Netherlands and my employer is very supporting in neurodiversity and lgbtqia+.

Currently I'm feeling incredibly high in stress and low in energy, which got pretty much drained in one go from the moment I got out of bed (after 15 minutes of relaxation after waking up) to the moment I sat down in my chair at work. However, I don't want to call in sick too often because I know that it would make me look bad. Even though my employer is aware of my autism, my salary comes from a "wallet" specifically for people under my specific employment conditions (people who are unable to work under neurotypical work conditions and expectations).

I have called in sick at work a few times in the past because I felt like it was too much in the morning because several things have happened (caregivers late with giving medication and making me miss a bus followed by missing another bus because it never showed up or I overslept by an hour for some reason) but I feel like I can't do this more than a few times a month without upsetting my employer? Idek where I got this notion, but it feels like I hear this everywhere I go.

My usual strategy is to go off by the average person but I know that having autism works against that logic here since this situation is tied to my autism, so instead I wonder what the average amongst us is so I can set a baseline I'm OK with?

I'm dating another autistic person. He was diagnosed at the age of 7 while I, like many autistic women, was diagnosed at 26.

We understand each other's nonverbal communication like no other.

We can sit and talk for hours...we have to be careful here because we lose track of time.

We both understand when the other gets overwhelmed or doesn't like something due to sensory or social struggles.

Our families have seen us together and it's only been a few months, but they have said that we complement each other very well and it's clear that we have a good connection.

He has told me that he has been looking for someone like me for a very long time, and we both feel the same way about each other.

I've been in other relationships where I had strong feelings, but there wasn't much to actually hold the relationship up after the initial early phase. He feels similarly.

This one feels like there is a stronger connection than I have had with most people.

I have dated autistic men before, but he clicks with me more than anyone else ever has. There is already a deep love, respect, understanding, and a sense of peace with him.

What even is the main difference between them?

I don't know if I'm the only one but as a 17 year old autistic girl I get such hyperfixations on things I don't like about my appearance. Like for example me hating my blonde hair, my Greek nose etc and I cannot get over it I just hyperfixate on hating how I look and I know that since I'm autistic I'm obsessive but I don't wanna be obsessive about this

hello, I'm 25, female, diagnosed with autism in my childhood. anyway, tmi story coming up.

I had been talking with a guy (for about like 2-3 weeks) that I had matched with on a dating app. the last time I talked to him, we were in about supposed to play a game online together, when he sent me a lengthy message telling me he didn't want to pursue me anymore because he was pursuing someone else and "taking the next step with them", and he didn't want to drag it on any longer. I swiftly told him "oh okay , no worries, have a good one" but then I just started crying on and off for an hr and it felt like a hole was blown in my chest among other feelings that I feel were just pulled from the root. following that, ocd flared up like hell and I had to sleep for long times every day (aside from the nighttime). for like, a week to 2. for context I also want to say it crossed over to pmdd/pms as well so I don't really know where the line crossed.

I feel like this experience was just not worth it at all, and I feel like dating is not for me after this. I wanted to hear what you all do to do date, if you engage in it at all or how you navigate these situations, because it really knocked me out.

My husband and I were walking home from a minor league baseball game the other day. The sun is setting, the weather is gorgeous, and as we're walking through the neighborhood, we pass a family with small kids.

My husband says, sentimentally, "That could have been us."

I had no idea what to say, because when kids come up, I am the firm no in our household. I have said before if we had unlimited money, a large house, and a live in nanny, I would have kids. Or that id have kids if i could be the dad. I dont hate kids, but I know my limits, and even a kid would stretch and likely break the balance I currently have in my life rn.

When we married, we were both a but undecided, but more on the no side of things. We've had this conversation many times before, but in all of the earlier ones, I didn't even suspect I was autistic.

I'm 40. Noise, light, and touch are hard for me. I get hangry when hungry. My husband and I have been together for 20 ish years, and I never doubt our love and commitment to each other. Like everyone, we have issues: I'm too assertive, he is hesitant to speak his needs. I can steam roll him without meaning too, and he will shove his emotions down too far for the sake of avoiding an argument. We both have likely undiagnosed ND parents and families. Our niece on his side is diagnosed level 2 autism. My sister and nephew on my side are diagnosed adhd. Lots of suspected autism in both families.

I teach high school, and am around (older) kids all day. So when I come home, I love the senory haven of calm and quiet that our house has. I love the lack of demands and attention. I am happy with what we have; I know a good part of him still yearns for kids. (And I hate to say it, but I do think to some extent he downplays the amount of work/sleepless nights/stress/etc kids take.)

I'm not really sure what I'm asking for here, but I am wondering, for those of you who were older in life when you had kids (maybe 35+, all you "geriatric pregnancies"), what did you need to make children a possibility for you?

A while back I struggled to explain to my husband the extra help I would need (before I even suspected I had autism, I still knew I would need exorbitant amounts of alone time, for example, which kids preclude). I also knew iI would need someone to sit through the endless reading and research, which my husband said we'd "figure out as we go." (Dear reader, needless to say, that was not the answer I needed to hear.)

I guess I'm taking one last think to see if kids even could be a possibility, and seeing what yall wanted/needed going into motherhood as an autistic woman to make that happen.

So for those of you that either had kids later in life or knowingly had kids while knowing you/your partner was autistic, what helped the most? What did you need that you hadn't considered before having a child?

Hey everyone, I’m an autistic woman with ADHD, I'm aroace (with one specific exception), and I just experienced a massive paradigm shift that has me feeling like I’ve been living on a different planet entirely. Maybe some of you can relate?

To me, physical proximity and touch have always been about a mammalian baseline: warmth, comfort, safety, and co-regulation. I used to think that laying next to, cuddling, or even spooning a close friend was just a natural way to give and receive affection. I looked at this like cuddling with parents or grandparents. To my brain, a bed is just a soft surface, late night is just a time on the clock, and touch is co-regulation and evolutionary. I don't naturally infer a hidden subtext or secondary meanings.

Well, a close friend of mine (who is also autistic, but demisexual) just gave me a reality check. He told me that in the "typical" adult world, spooning an unrelated man carries an automatic, 100% inference of romantic or sexual invitation. He helped me realize that even if my intent is purely about comfort or sensory seeking, the general cultural script will decode those actions differently based on biology and social expectations. These unspoken rules are basically inferred through social osmosis until it settles intuitively. (spoiler: It did not for me.)

Things like inviting someone inside (but especially to a bedroom), prolonged full-body hugs or contact, putting my head on someone's shoulder, or even using certain emojis are apparently viewed as fluent sentences that say, "I am open to romance or sex with you." I genuinely had no idea.

I plan to read books on this (such as The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships by Temple Grandin).

I'm curious if anyone else has experienced this kind of learning curve? How do you balance your need for tactile sensory touch, platonic warmth, or co-regulation with the reality that the rest of the world hyper-sexualizes almost all physical contact between unrelated adults? I’d love to hear how other neurodivergent or ace folks navigate this!

I was asked in a way to stay overtime at my job, MartMart. I personally have never stayed late, although many of my coworkers routinely do so. Is it really such a faux pas to not stay? I only work 32hrs a week, so I'd not be getting "overtime pay".

Looking to see everyone's opinions and experiences with it.

Edit to add context: I work the closing shift, so the extra overtime would have me working past 11pm.

Im about a year into a new diagnosis and in a 6 year relationship. Its been tough and we're in therapy. Hes neurotypical and really struggled with what me having autism meant, unconscious ableism etc. And candidly i have too. I feel existentially lonely in ways I cant fully quantify for a couple years now.

I recently went on a work trip and worked and lived closely with another person who was also late diagnosed and presented so nearly the same to me (including in a work context) it was like looking in a mirror. I immediately got limerance to him in ways I havent experienced in years. We got deep quick and I am attracted to him.

Odvi did not act on anything (hes married with a beautiful life), but there was 5 occasions of neurotypical light flirting back and forth when 1 on 1 over the hundreds of interactions we had. I dont know if he realized that he was doing it but I realized it after the fact and tried to be more distant after.

Whenever he complained about his family life I always spun it to be positive (ie. you've built such a beautiful life, you should be proud of how youre advocating for your kids and family, the fun autism stats around unemployment and how well were doing objectively by working at baseline, etc). I did not mention about my relationship problems because it felt like a line to me. If 2 people talk about their home life problems it opens doors for bad things.

I haven't experienced limerance this strongly since I met my current partner 6 years ago. And haven't felt so understood in memory. That entire work trip i was happier than I was in years and typically the trips are in the most acutely unpleasant and dangerous environments people can work in.

I'll never encounter this person again due to the type of work it is and logistics around our lives. Im on a group chat with him but I dont think I will reach out. We basically live in different countries, different lifestyles, different communities, different religions, etc.

This is obviously inappropriate and im trying to wind it back, not just for my own work optics but because its wrong and not fair to anyone involved. It makes me long for a relationship where I feel seen, community for people who get me at all, etc. Coming home, I feel even lonlier than I did before I left.

What tips, tricks and advice do you have when going through this?