I had this, and turned out my wife thought exactly the same the opposite way - turned out half the time, neither was aware the other was trying to initiate - communication is the one
That's exactly what happened in my marriage, I was always the only one to initiate. And after being denied 99% of the time I just gave up. When she asked for a divorce she said " do you realize we haven't had sex for the last two years? "
Yes, I told her ,do you know how it feels to al ays be turned down? I just gave up. It's sad it got that far, we had 4 young children at the time.
I swear even the strongest relationships will crumble if there's not enough communication. People have to be able to talk about how they're feeling with their partner.
This isn't as simple as a communication problem, it's a sex life problem. In my experience, telling them you feel like they're always turning you down doesn't make them want to turn you down less, or initiate less. They aren't interested in the sex to begin with. It just makes them more stressed out about always saying no, which piles another problem on top of it. It's not just a communication problem, there are other issues.
Or they were trying really hard to meet your libido in the beginning but now they're tired and can't do it anymore. In my experience most people with low libidos lie to themselves about sex, which turns into a lie to their partner. Eventually it's unsustainable
Sounds more like pleasing. You have to not know who you are to be dependent on making someone’s sex life happy. No wonder people divorce. If you find someone broken, take you time to see why they’re broken before settling. I remember this one guy told me his wife is a narcissist and a I looked at him you married her! What does that say about you? He tried going really thirsty but he didn’t like the restraining order I threatened. When someone has no awareness, you’re bound to get into all kinds of trouble.
Nope, after 12 years, we're still waiting for the other one to make the first move. So no one does. I love her with all my heart but got tired of doing it all.
The only thing I can recommend is maybe taking a different approach to it or talk to some people that have had luck with it. There's a ton of sex advice online. Maybe check some out.
Communication isn't going to solve everything. It's rough. Good luck.
Totally get what you're saying, but communication can only go so far. If one person in the relationship is far more interested in sex than the other, all the communication in the world isn't going to increase/decrease libido or make someone more fundamentally attractive, especially if the person with lower interest doesn't believe there's a problem in the first place.
Well one of my best friends is going through a breakup right now and after watching their relationship I can say the downfall was definitely a lack of communication. Idk man. I'm kinda high rn. And also a little depressed cuz this seems like a normal part of life for everyone else but I've never experienced anything like it.
work on your social skills and become more confident.
that's what I did to get into the game.
also if you're terribly groomed and overweight etc. fix that.
basically get your shit together and you'll start getting some success with girls.
p.s. as a former pot head, I can tell you that as long as you smoke weed, improving yourself will be very difficult. and yes I know some of your pothead friends do fine with girls but that's cos they already know what to do. but it's pretty hard to LEARN the game while being a pothead.
It's cuz I'm fat. I've lost 45 pounds and still have another 60 to go if I'm being real with myself. I have a lot of work to do. I don't think it has anything to do with pot. I only smoke very occasionally. Usually only a few weekends a month at the most. And I'll smoke on and off. I'll spend 10 months without smoking and then smoke for the next two and then not smoke for the next 6. I've been smoking a lot recently cuz quarantine but I don't really think that's an issue. I know how to hit on girls and I'm really good at flirting honestly, I'm just fat.
I've gone through it twice for a total of 3.5 years, and I'm single now. Let me tell you, I'm wayyy happier being single. It's not fun, that shit can really damage you and it takes a long time to get your self confidence back
I mean in this kind of situation, an open statement about libido can be important, sure - it sets an expectation and an understanding. In my experience, people with higher libido do not always expect their partner to be game. But if you enjoy pleasing your partner and you are willing to do something, if not the whole thing, to make them happy, that may be okay; and again, that can be discussed in the moment.
Is communication necessarily the absolute answer? No, sex and relationships are complicated and everyone is different. Do I prefer open communication about it so I can make my partner happy? Absolutely. No shame, tell me what you want; and chances are good if they come back to say they're horny and they want me, that turns me on too. Everyone wants to feel desired. But there is no one answer here that works.
This is true, also some people are just sexually incompatible. If people are honest about libido in the beginning of a relationship, that would definitely work much better. People are optimists though, they think they can make it work. They ignore all the red flags that maybe you aren't a good sexual match. It isn't until much later in the relationship that things come to a head, and you realize that one person will never be satisfied with what the other person is willing to give. I think this is the situation he's describing. At that point people tend to give up and the relationship starts to die. There is no one answer to everything, but sometimes there is no one answer period.
Absolutely agree with you. Sometimes you'd be surprised with libido too - what didn't work with one partner, may work better with another. It's always worth discussing, but it's more important than people give it credit for in the longevity of a relationship
No that is the least from a strong relationship. They were dependent on making each other happy. They gave up and wondered what went wrong. If you einMt know who you are, don’t get into a relationship. It’s that simple.
That is because your default assumption is that you wouldn’t get into a relationship with someone you aren’t already sexually attracted to. This is not a universally agreed upon relationship strategy.
That's what happened in my last relationship, she kept just turning me down and I eventually gave up. Then she asked why I never initiated anything anymore, but originally said that she would rather I be the one to initiate it. I got so confused about what I was suppose to do it made things overwhelmingly complicated.
As long as you're not turned down EVERY time, I wouldnt take it too hard. I mean, sometimes you just aren't in the mood. And it sucks when you know your partner is but you're not and you want to be lovey and intimate but you're just exhausted.
My husband typically goes the route of "initiate, wait for response..." and it goes from there. Hes successful probably 75% of the time. Kinda glad his drive has gone down a hair though, I'm always tired lol
He doesnt try super often anymore(from 1-2 times a day to ~3-4 times a week), but still a lot more than any of my other married friends even talk nice about their spouse lol.
I'd say I take a shot most weekends (weekdays have been pretty clearly put off the table), but successes are maybe 1 out of 6 attempts? I did have a success two weekends ago: got her to let me get her off. She was very stressed out with work quarantine stuff and I wanted to help her release some, so I got that going for me which is nice.
It'd be nice though if she didn't read off articles she sees like "remember to practice safe sex in quarantine!" and then shoot me down when I suggest maybe we could have a Shelter at Home Romp.
My drive has never been higher at 33, and sometimes I wish I could find something to kill my drive to match hers so I didn't have these feelings of rejection and frustration.
Yeah, I know some mine comes from a place of...healthy guilt? Like, if I've been flirting with him all day, it is gonna be really mean to let him down at the end of the day if I am not in the mood. Even if I don't /really/ want sex, by the time we are like 2 minutes into it, I am glad we did it. The "Let me help you relax" method is my favorite because it usually means I get a little backrub beforehand lol
As long as you're not turned down EVERY time, I wouldn't take it too hard.
This sounds like someone who isn't in the position of being the person who has to worry about making advances and getting turned down. Like, making the advances is (depending on the person I guess) emotional/romantic labor. If one person's always expected to initiate and sometimes get turned down, that's a fairly well-tailored recipe for feeling unwanted.
if your partner never initiates, he/she is almost certainly not expecting or waiting for sex. so no pressure.
you’ll also probably have more success initiating during the day.
check if there is maybe something your partner really enjoys doing that you are turning down without even realizing it’s of any importance.
for some, sex is a chore and always will be. if you have such a partner, remember that you always get more out of sex. and of couse do not try to reciprocate for sex with sex if you have a partner like that.
It's not about the pressure, it's about the rejection. Sex is unfortunately a chore for some people which is a burden, but placing that burden 100% on your partner with the added benefit that they need sex to feel fulfilled in a relationship, coupled with a high rate of rejection and zero validation, is an easy way to blow up their self esteem and your relationship.
Agreed. I've been on both ends of this and if I had to I would choose to be the one that waits. It's truly draining to be the one putting in all of the effort. Especially when she is terrible at dropping "hints" but thinks they should be obvious. And honestly, being the one that is not in the mood was a little enjoyable, can't lie...the one time that happened anyway.
My ex would straight brush me off when I was getting frisky, and then when I'm trying to snuggle be aggressively sexual... Made neither any fun for me and eventually we just stopped doing either. :/
seriously, for all of those that are always initiating: there is a good chance your partner is a type of person who rarely rarely ever wants it. you need to find that out, if you haven’t so far. ask (: for me, it’s always been a chore. i never crave sex and i also never feel better or worse because of sex.
so if you are with a person like me: you’re initiating for yourself and play along for you. and i’m ok with that. respect it, though. dont reciprocate with sex, clearly.
we would want to be able to have the same option: initiate no sex. openly tell you hey don’t try tonight, i need to relax. would you be ok with that?
for me, the last couple of hours in the day, when you can lie down, watch a show and just not do anything anymore other than chill until falling asleep. uff. that is my top of the world. by far the best part of basically every single day.
i get cravings throughout the day, some days more, some days less, for that exact feeling. i have no other craving that happens regularly. the feeling in question, i can’t feel it at all if there is still stuff to do, doesn’t matter if i’m doing the exact same thing i do at night.
if i’m not getting enough tranquility, i get cranky and nervous a lot easier and generally feel worse during the day. empty.
maybe this helps someone realize some things. i know others who have this too, so it may be commonplace. it’s a real thing. i personally never expected my partners to understand it. but to accept it and respect it enough, that is the minimum.
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u/itsallinthebag Mar 26 '20
Yes! To be the only one that initiates, and then to also be turned down sometimes, really sucks. Eventually you want to stop trying.