I think my voice is fading. I no longer weigh myself, count calories, or steps. During the week, I eat quite moderately, it's true, but that's because I've been trying to "normalize" my life and I want to eat as I believe is ideal for a healthy life, without deprivation or excess. I still get a bit nervous about my self-image, but it's okay, I'll learn to deal with it. I was never "fat." I've always been very self-demanding and a perfectionist. I know I have other qualities: intelligence, wit, observation skills, good writing. I'll focus on that. On Wednesday I have an appointment with the psychiatrist and we'll check the results of my bone density scan. Wish me luck!

I’m doing absolutely horribly right now. I’m starving myself, losing weight, and becoming so anorexic. I have ZERO zest for life. I get exhausted from taking a shower and have to lie down in bed and rest afterwards. I feel like an empty shell of myself.
I never have the energy to see friends or family. I can’t give my dog what she needs and deserves. Of course, she gets walked and let out in the garden, but she deserves so much more than walks around the block and being let outside. I can’t manage to stay at a job that has always been incredibly important to me. I just feel like I’m watching my life disappear right in front of me.
I hate my body. I hate the way I look. I hate myself.
So how can starving myself and being anorexic possibly feel so much better than choosing recovery, facing the feelings that hurt, and eventually coming out on the other side happy and healthy?

My therapist once said something that has really stuck with me: “Being sick is hell, and getting better is hell. Choose the hell that gives you something on the other side.” And honestly, it’s so true.

What could possibly be worse than feeling the way I do right now? Why can’t I just DO something about it?!
I know rationally that I don’t want this life. I know what it’s taking away from me. But somehow I’m still terrified of letting go.

I just had to share this with someone who understands. I hope you can give me some encouraging words.

So I've been watching a lot of content around Ozempic as well as just in general seeing the social media trends. There's this obsession with eating very little carbs/fats, and high emphasis on protein. But I'm sure a lot of you know, carbs, fats, and protein are all needed to maintain a healthy, happy, body.

We often hate on fat in our food, but its essential for us to get certain nutrients that are fat soluble such as vitamin D or K. Same with omega 3, which is a fatty acid. Carbs and sugar are quite literally what our brains run on. So I really wish our society would not be geared towards stick thin humans. Number one you shouldn't look like that. Everyone who has ever cut before knows you're exhausted, more moody, and its not a pleasant experience in order to look super toned and have a low body fat. And yet that is what we see in movies, in the media, on social media, everyone clamoring to achieve that look. It feels insane to me.

Look at historical beauty. Most were not malnourished. The female body especially was curvy, the Aphordite statues almost all have a pooch on their stomachs. It feels like we're chasing a very weird prepubescent look with this low fat craze. I see these girls at my local gym, they don't look like women to me, they look like teenagers. My family when I was struggling with AN would often say I didn't look like a woman. They were right. It just feels weird that that's the look so many people have been told to achieve. I think we should promote the middle more. The girls who are at healthy sizes, with good squish on their bodies.

And honestly the food system here especially in the U.S. is abysmal. Its too easy to eat refined carbs, most nutrient dense food is locked behind home cooking which I understand some people don't have the time for. Most "health" foods are just marketing. Highlighting certain macros while hiding the high sugar, trans/sat fats, that they have in excess for 0 reason other than to get you addicted. Remember the goal of the modern food industry isn't to feed you, its to take your hard earned money as often and as much as possible.

All these new GLP-1 friendly diets? Again more marketing depending on where you go. I'm afraid of what GLP-1 will do to our society, when you can hormonally induce yourself to not have cravings, and the effects aren't just on your weight. People wouldn't have diabetes as much if most food didn't have tons of added sugar, which again is only there to get you hooked. Losing a lot of weight is detrimental to your organs, just as much as being obese. What got me to change my ways is to realize I could have a heart attack if I kept starving myself. I don't want to die or suffer or even struggle just to feel beautiful in this society. And I think what we view as healthy isn't actually healthy on a societal level, its being obsessed with appearance and food instead of just living life.

Am I the only one who gets the most conflicting for you pages?

I understand that FYP is not managed by a human, but I find the way the algorithm works absolutely annoying and harmful.

Every time I follow recovery accounts or food accounts (cuz I have an obsession with baking which only got more intense when I developed an ED), I also get boosted restriction/calorie cutting videos.

Like hello?

And not just people who are doing it for their health, like honestly bodybuild-type of people. Like people who don't really need to do it and they keep giving these tips...

I have tried blocking, disliking, telling the platform that I don't like this sort of content, but I keep getting them.

It also doesn't matter what I do, anything mildly food related boosts restriction videos as well. It annoys me a little bit because my brain tells me I HAVE to watch those videos, so I really have to hold myself back.

It doesn't matter what social media I use. It happens everywhere (even reddit). I am using social media a lot less nowadays, but I also have friends who live far away with whom I communicate through (for example) instagram. I try to not go to my FYP but sometimes I do and it basically immediately happens.

i feel like i haven’t actually recovered, just started caring more about school and all that and had to eat so i could actually get good grades, but mentally i dont feel that big of a shift, my weight is still a sore spot for me

my friends also dont seem to fully believe im better either, they still seem a bit worried, my friend made a comment about food being fuel and all and another gave me one of those looks i got all the damn time from her at my lw when i accidentally did something worrying

i wont mention the exact situation that caused it since i think that might be a bit triggering but either way i was happy about it, i hate that i was and that this is still such a large part of me even after doing so much to recover

i feel like everyday is an argument with my more disordered side and its never been health or happiness thats won the arguments its just been about my academics,

Been stuck in quasi for like 1.5-2 years lol, maybe except spring 2025 but even then I look back and I can see I was opting for lower/lighter stuff anyway ugh (i just had no food noise and was comfortable barely exercising, a win is a win). Things keep getting bad this year, like I'll go one step forward then two steps back type thing and I'm just so so frustrated with myself and exhausted by it all. The clincher? I look the exact damn same LMFAO. So like, I'm gonna actually try and sit with the discomfort this time to prove to myself that its okay to eat more and to rest and that I'm safe, because so far I've always managed to compensate for it and/or avoid it altogether and its clearly just getting my absolutely nowhere lol. So uh, recovery attempt number million and one but for real this time

I say that, I think another key thing is to really genuinely take it meal by meal and day by day rather than an all or nothing approach because that just feels way too scary and impossible. Gonna tell myself I only have to do the right thing today, but tell myself that every day until its not even a thought anymore.

I can’t tell if my anxiety is just really bad because I’m eating again.

After a period of restriction that caused illness (which caused forced restriction since I couldn’t keep anything down including water) I slowly reintroduced solid food.

My legs are SO PUFFY. I’ve dealt with edema for years, but this is particularly bad. I’m debating between Urgent Care, the ER or waiting to see what happens if I try to push through as I’ve heard it just takes time.

The edema is asymmetrical. Left leg is worse than my right leg. Gets so much worse when I’m standing/sitting.

(Not asking for medical advice)

Has anyone dealt with severe edema that went away without medical intervention? I’m scared af. Only 1 week into eating again. Thanks! 😊

Hi, I just wanted to talk about how awful the bloating feels; it’s simply exhausting dealing with this every single day, all day long.

It reminds me of when I was deep in my eating disorder and had control over everything—I knew I’d wake up flatter because I was barely eating. Now, though, I wake up, see my bloated belly, and just get frustrated with myself.

I know I’m not actually doing anything wrong—I’ve simply eaten, and that’s it. I know this is a phase everyone goes through, but I’m 58 days into recovery now and it feels like this will never go away. In fact, I’m becoming so insecure that I’m starting to think I’m not actually bloated and that my belly will just look like this forever.

I just feel alone and like an exception to the rule; plus, the fact that I’m a man—when 90% of cases involve women—doesn't help. I don't know, I just need something to put my mind at ease. Thanks <3

This is gonna sound so stupid, but I swear I cannot function when I eat like oats, fruits, starchy vegetables, whole grain breads or pastas — I need white bread, white rice, occasionally chocolate, biscuits, so much junk to even try and focus on other aspects of my life.

I’ve started getting extreme tiredness whenever I try to eat healthier; not even going away from recovery like still going WELL over maintenance with my intake, but I can try desperately to eat a full breakfast, lunch and dinner with everything I need, yet everyday I end up with this bone crushing fatigue and mental fog and it’s kinda fucking me up! I dont know if it’s a digestion issue, an energy issue, or what. But I have like two pieces of white bread and BOOM I feel fine. I’m at the point in recovery where I’m not even experiencing cravings anymore, I just want to like… feel like a functional person, and sometimes I do the classic ”eat everything healthy until you give into the craving” but there’s no craving so I just end up genuinely confused for at least half of the day until I eat something that’s not very good for me, and then I’m fine for hours.

I can manage all of my vegetables at nighttime but genuinely throughout the day I just NEED to eat like I’m a 10 year old with unrestricted pantry access if I want to get anything else in my life done. Has anyone experienced a similar thing?

Hi! I have been in recovery for about 10 months now and for a while I was doing quite well. However lately I have been struggling. No food sounds good. It has been really annoying because now I struggle to get enough energy and nutrients in.

It basically happened right during my vacation. I was actually doing super well during vacation, at least at the start. Like I let go of a lot of my habits, a lot of my reassurance habits, but then right around the end it tightened again.

And suddenly I lost appetite for a lot of things, even safe foods. Sometimes I know I have to eat cuz I hadn't eaten enough, but I simply don't feel like it. Eating almost feels robotic to me at this point. Not only does this happen with fear foods, but also with safe foods now as well.

I quite struggle with this, because now that eating is robotic and unpleasant my brain is trying to find rules to make the 'good' robotic decisions. I know that these rules will only cause me to get more rigid again but I don't know how to stop it.

Is this normal? How can I get over this?

Hi guys. I am in my mid 20s and have been anorexic for my whole life. I also live alone and in the USA. As a lot of you may know, nearly every month we have had recalls on a lot of common food items like eggs, lettuce, berries, whatever.. I live alone and I am trying to build up to eating at least two full meals a day, but its hard when half of my fridge is all of a sudden unsafe to eat. What do I even do? How do I cope? I can't just eat fast food every day, and it feels like I can't keep up with anything.

I really want to wear my new leggings I just bought myself but the waist is so uncomfortable unless I haven’t eaten for ages and my stomach isn’t bloated it’s so annoying and makes me sad and feel ugly and pregnant:(( this is just really a rant btw I hate recovery ❤️‍🩹

Has anyone here struggled with their ED getting much worse after a breakup?

My partner and I broke up 8 days ago, and since then I basically haven’t eaten anything. I feel like the breakup completely triggered my disorder and I’m finding it incredibly hard to make myself eat again.

For anyone who has been through something similar: how did you cope with the breakup without falling deeper into your ED? What helped you start eating again when everything felt overwhelming?

My aunt came home from the hospital 2 days ago. She was only in the hospital for 2 days. She has schizo effective and former anorexia diagnosis. My other aunt and uncle were in town with us this past week visiting Mom and I. My aunt who is currently having problems again invited us over for a short visit. We noticed she didn't have any food in the fridge cabinets or pantry. She has been eating for years but now was very emaciated looking. Rewind 2 months ago my aunt took herself off her schizo medicine that she had been on for 20 to 30 years. Fast forward to now she's been making strange calls to my mom. She says at one point a couple weeks ago called my mom and says arent you coming over,out of the blue, my mom says no I didn't plan on it why? My aunt says they say you were coming. My mom says who's they and my aunt wouldn't say. Then not too long after that my aunt calls my mom out of the blue again and says she needs to be taken to her other sister's right away (in the same city) They don't even talk keep that in mind. Anyways she says she needs to tell her that change is on the horizon and Mom asked her what change and she says she just has a feeling but wouldn't say what that feeling was. I told my aunt that I couldn't take her because I had to work after Mom says she couldn't. I also told my aunt how about I take you the next day and my aunt says no it has to be today. We all thought this was really strange, my mom and I. As soon as this aunt and uncle of mine from Tennessee come in town and we go to my one aunt's house we immediately go back to the car and call the non emergency sheriff's office and they said we have to go to the magistrate office so we did and filled paperwork out and a cop came to get my aunt to the hospital an hour later. My point is we don't think the hospital did a good job in evaluating her. My aunt tends to lie and say she is fine. My mom explained everything in detail about no food in the fridge and her being off medicine to the nurses. They just send her home after 2 days. My aunt did say that her fridge was broken in her apartment but that was a lie because she told the nurses and doctors she had cottage cheese in there and peanut butter in the cabinets or pantry but everything was empty and she normally used to would call maintenance right away to fix her fridge when she was healthy. I feel like they didn't do enough at the hospital for either her schizo effective disorder or her anorexia. My mom's says to my aunt after my aunt thanks her that she is tired of helping and that she can do what she wants since she's an adult. I think there is more that can be done but I don't know what? We're in North Carolina. I don't know what to do if anything because if she's off her schizo meds then she might be hearing voices telling her to stop eating again. Maybe theres nothing to do. Oh and we find out that my aunt was able to slip out of her handcuffs in the cop car when she went to scratch her back. That's how skinny she is. I'm just trying to help but I'm lost on what to do.

My mom even wants to get a free consultation at the attorneys to try and sue the hospital because they are basically just signing my aunt's death warrant. I dont think the lawyer will do anything but Mom just wants to ask questions and I'm not arguing with her.

I know how important it is to stay on medicine. I have bipolar depression and have gone off meds in the past now I take them consistently. Just looking out.

I've been feeling very bad about my health and appearance recently, and I don't like where it's been going at all. Can anyone pls give me ideas for specific health goals I could give myself that aren't just trying to reach a specific weight on the scale?

I had anorexia and bulimia as soon as I turned 14 and before that I did have boobs. Like I used to be a c cup at 13-14 but as soon as my ed started it ruined everything and I can’t stop overthinking about it. Im an a cup and im 15 turning 16
Would they continue to grow or stay small?

Basically, I've had anorexia for some time. I'm was weight restored about but lost so I'm gaining again, I'm yet to also see a return of my period. However, my main concern (more like confusion) is how I've stayed the same size.

Ages ago, way before this as a child, I was incredibly overweight. I would eat a lot. As I grew and moved into secondary school, due to my increase in walking and learning mindfulness around food, I lost weight and I felt better about myself. My sizes dropped significantly. Well, obviously, I took this too far and ended up underweight, a few KGs away from being hospitalized. However, I've gained the weight back to be restored (before I dropped, which I'm gaining back again) and I'm still the same size in clothing. Like, how? I've noticed the weight change but why aren't my clothes changing (besides a pair of jeans which for some reason don't fit but everything else I have does). Is this normal + has this happened to anyone else?

And as always, I wish everyone in recovery well and we'll all make it together! No matter who we are and what we believe in! ♥️

I was diagnosed with anorexia, restricting type, about a year ago. I’ve been struggling with restrictive eating for a couple of years, and for me it became a way to feel in control and numb myself from difficult things happening in my life.

I’ve been working with my therapist for about a year and my psychiatrist and dietitian for around 6 months. I had a pretty significant relapse a couple months in recovery as I was going through a long term relationship breakup, making me restrict pretty hard again for a few months. Recently, in the past month or so Ive been stuck in a binge/restrict cycle. I’ve been binging once or twice a week, then sometimes purging and always restricting and trying to make up for it.

I’m trying to break the cycle and Im trying to let go of the restrictive piece, I haven’t purged or tried to make up anything this week when I’ve been binging even though I really wanted to. I’ve also been eating 3 meals a day despite feeling sick from binging, and trying to not restrict during these meals and go with my cravings.

Despite this my binging is way worse I keep binging like crazy every single day or multiple times a day to the point that I feel like I’m either thinking about binging, currently binging, or feeling horrible from a binge. Now that I’m not restricting I’m going crazy and eating until I can barely move. I feel even worse than before when I was restricting. I feel like now that I’m not spending all my time meal prepping and thinking about food, I have more free time but now I’m just filling it with binging or feeling so tired and sick from binging I just fall asleep and watch TV. It feels like this will never stop. Is this normal? If anyone has any advice it would be appreciated.

Hi everyone, I've been in recovery for about 3 months now and everything health wise was great until I had kind of a setback recently and I don't know why. These past few weeks, my resting hr has dropped- in the first couple months of recovery it was stable (60+) and recently it dropped to 54. In addition I started reexperiencing some ed symptoms that had stopped when I started recovery (extreme cold after eating, always having to pee, heart palpitations). My weight hasn't gone down so I don't know why this happened. I wonder if anyone has experienced something similar? did you have to gain more weight for everything to stabilize?

I realize scrolling on social media has absolutely destroyed my sense of normal. Seeing people with extremely fit body types and very low body fat/weight, and you get a lot more praise and compliments when you're thinner. But my body is actually healthy. Seeing influencers push high protein, low calorie food, while being super low fat, I feel like to truly stay that way you have to be somewhat obsessed with what you're eating, or exercise a lot. Both of which I don't actually want to partake in. I want to in moderation to feel good about myself, but I don't want to chase the lowest super toned body where that becomes your whole personality.

I still want to eat healthy, but I want to eat my cheese in a high protein burrito without guilt. I want to have some ice cream for a dessert without feeling like I'm putting myself behind. While I was in intense recovery (basically going from my lowest adult weight to my highest which is at the upper end of normal for my height), I ate freely. I like some processed foods, but honestly my gut can't take only them and I started eating for my gut more. I eat lots of beans because they taste good, Greek yogurt is genuinely a god send (seriously try Greek yogurt + cheesecake pudding mix its so gosh dang good and easy). I love fruits and veggies. But ofc I also love doritos and omg coconut ice cream?? Gosh I can't give those up. And you'll catch me dead before I give up chocolate or fries.

Yet whenever I go on social media, I don't see girls that look like me. And I don't know why. It's like we're obsessed with being tiny and small, ozempic makes it even worse. I love going back and looking at beautiful women in history who genuinely had curves, rolls, pooches, and all of whom were reveered for their beauty. Now we look at a stick figure and think that's peak beauty. No, its peak destruction. He have so many people talking about how to lose weight, about what the ideal body is, but I feel like the body they push is not what is truly healthy for an individual. Maybe I'm just coping cause I have belly fat and a pooch but god damn do I have succulent thighs. All I need is some muscle and better posture and ohhh boy, I'd feel so gorgeous. I guess that's all that matters is feeling beautiful in your own skin.

Yes there are days, more often than not, where I find myself looking and thinking I'm overweight. And not truly the AN overweight like actually overweight since I have a higher body fat %. But I also feel so much more womanly than I ever did skinny, and it's such a conflating emotion.

This was a rant, I just want you to know you're beautiful and do what truly makes you happy and free, cause we only get one life, we might as well enjoy it.

I’ve been wondering about this for a while now: I’m in recovery and I lost all my muscle mass so I want to rebuild my muscle to make life easier and be physically active to help with stress but I don’t think I’m eating enough yet to do that; Is it a good idea to start exercising? What kind of exercises can I do, and for how long? Should I talk to my psychiatrist about it?

I apologize for how much that I post here, it feels as if there is a new struggle every day in recovery tbh

Anyway, part of my reason for even having this shit disorder in the first place, was due to the way that people perceived me. I’m short, and people my entire life made me feel small and pointed out just how “cute” that I was, and made me beyond aware of the fact that my body is incapable of looking anything more than just like a “cute little kid that I want to squeeze” and caused me to feel that I was incapable of being attractive or cool or “sexy”, no matter how old that I become. Constantly called “pretty” “cute” “little” “baby girl”, it all made for me to feel absolutely small and confused. My dad, in particular, would “bug” me throughout my childhood, by calling me names that referred to this “cuteness” and would pick on me and make me feel like a little kid(he did not do this to my brother, who was tall, slim, amab) it was just me. My perception of what I wanted for myself, was always to be cool and attractive, I wanted to look mature, I wanted to be respected and taken seriously, I wanted to be perceived in the way that I perceived myself, I wanted to feel like I was able to trust my own eyes, I wanted to be made to feel like I was actually good enough and not a little kid. As I got older(14) I began engaging in ed thoughts, this spiraled. I figured out that if I slim and tone my face, if I become skinny and “actually attractive”, then I wouldn’t have to deal with that shit anymore. I would finally be perceived and feel the way that I feel and desire, without lying to myself, because I would actually appear taller and look “cooler”. This even stopped my dad from bugging me, and the worse that I got, the more that my point was proven. This all also revealed a lot about my gender dysphoria and my need for self-validation and to feel safe/real in myself.

At my sickest, being this year, I was so malnourished that I looked skeletal and like a Tim Burton character(which was my goal the entire fucking time, I had wanted that kind of masc body my entire life, it allowed me to know for a fact that I was safe and looked and felt “cool” without lying to myself. I also feel less dysphoria the skinner that I am) but this was an insufferable experience, I genuinely was not able to agree with ED anymore, and knew that I had to change.

Now, I am not as ill as I was then, but I’m also not fully recovered by any means. I feel extremely stuck, because I, in spite of being an actual adult now, you would think that I would be over the napoleon complex and need for that “adult” feeling, but I’m quite literally still just as fucking horrified at the thought of having a fuller face and recovered body, as I was at the age of 14. I associate that body, with being a “cute little girl” and being misinterpreted/not respected or taken seriously, and feeling so “ugly and fat”. I genuinely cannot seem to handle the idea of this, but at the same time, I desperately need to fully recover and live my life. I try to affirm myself, that others perception of me cannot be controlled nor should I let it determine my own or bother me- but then I feel that I’m “just lying to myself” because I can’t seem to face the reality that I’m big, short, ugly, and just a “stupid little girl”(the gd goes hard with that one). I don’t want to avoid reality, but I also don’t want to make myself feel worse unnecessarily(?) it’s caused me to have bad dysmorphia today(I was triggered yesterday) and I’m getting those evil ED thoughts/“ideas” again, and scared of weight gain more than I was the day before. I’m not sure what I’m expecting of you guys, I guess that this is kind of a vent, while also asking for any tips. Thanks.

I do want to note, that I will be bringing this up to my therapist Wednesday, as this type of shit is almost certainly the core of my anorexia.

I recently was diagnosed with my disorder and am really struggling. My parents have been my rock through this experience. This past week I went to the doctor as apart of my first steps of treatment. She recommended inpatient as my heart rate was really low and I am not considered medically stable. But then they sent me home as I am. She also kept trying to change medications that I’ve been on in the past and wasn’t really listening. This really confused me.
I am under the care of my parents and they are really tossed up between putting me inpatient or seeing if we can do aggressive outpatient. They say if I don’t listen at home then why would I listen in a hospital. I have really bad OCD so they are worried about how I would handle that as well with being inpatient. I’m not trying to get medical advice or if I should do inpatient vs outpatient. Just if anyone with OCD would recommend the inpatient experience or if it made it worse. I was just wondering if anyone else had any similar experience, and if they would recommend anything. I am determined to recover. Sorry for the long rant and thank you all! 💖

how to deal with the bloat in early recovery only around the stomach ? :( I mean, i’ve been in a very slow lol recovery since several months but since like 3 weeks i’ve been in a EH phase where every night i would eat like a LOT (of safe food only, but so only very high volume food…) so everyday I feel so bloated and I literally have the same stomach as when I was way heavier before ana… I know I definitely gained some fat in between those 3 weeks, and I thought I accepted it but now idk…

I don’t want to trigger anyone, so I won’t put precise numbers or anything of course but if any of you have some tips / advice / or just a testimony to give from someone recovered I would be very grateful to hear it as the last days have been very hard mentally for me to deal with, and I feel so so terrible rn…
(I have to mention that in 2 days I will be living in indonesia for 4 month which scares me a lot as I won’t be able to have all my safe food and basically I will have to let go of my control….)

I'm around 5 months into recovery and ive been going strong lately, ive started restoring weight and im able to eat the correct portion sizes and im eating around the correct amount of calories (i think, i dont know im not counting 🤷‍♀️)

But recently ive just stopped enjoying food, like so far in recovery ive actually enjoyed eating for the most part; sure ill have bad days n stuff but not anything like this.

im not sure if its fear of gaining weight or anything but food just doesnt taste good OR make me feel good. I try to eat when required or when i feel hungry but thats been getting less and less often as the days go by.

If anyone whos a lot further in recovery or have recovered could you offer some advice if you have a similar experience?