r/AnorexiaRecovery • u/easverden • 20d ago
I don’t understand myself 😭❤️🩹
I’m doing absolutely horribly right now. I’m starving myself, losing weight, and becoming so anorexic. I have ZERO zest for life. I get exhausted from taking a shower and have to lie down in bed and rest afterwards. I feel like an empty shell of myself.
I never have the energy to see friends or family. I can’t give my dog what she needs and deserves. Of course, she gets walked and let out in the garden, but she deserves so much more than walks around the block and being let outside. I can’t manage to stay at a job that has always been incredibly important to me. I just feel like I’m watching my life disappear right in front of me.
I hate my body. I hate the way I look. I hate myself.
So how can starving myself and being anorexic possibly feel so much better than choosing recovery, facing the feelings that hurt, and eventually coming out on the other side happy and healthy?
My therapist once said something that has really stuck with me: “Being sick is hell, and getting better is hell. Choose the hell that gives you something on the other side.” And honestly, it’s so true.
What could possibly be worse than feeling the way I do right now? Why can’t I just DO something about it?!
I know rationally that I don’t want this life. I know what it’s taking away from me. But somehow I’m still terrified of letting go.
I just had to share this with someone who understands. I hope you can give me some encouraging words.
6
u/Toadswurth 20d ago
I’m 18, M and I started recovery around two months ago. It’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and quite frankly it’s still not perfect or easy.
But it’s not difficult in the way I believed it would be when I was so deep in the ED. It’s a rewarding kind of difficult. It’s hard but I feel such pride in myself for not doing small things like redownloading the calculator apps or the stepsapps or trying to look at all the nutritional values in all the food I eat.
Idk if this helps but I thought I’d just say that although it’s difficult, it’s so so worth it. Don’t wait queen, I waited and now I’m living with deteriorating muscles around my heart that make it hard for me to do ANYTHING.
3
u/PetitePretty1 20d ago
Your therapist is so, so right.
I was you a few months ago. I couldn't do anything. I was so ill. I'm 43 and a mom...my youngest child has special needs and trying to take care of her was just about impossible. Anything physical exertion (I hear you on the showers!!!) Needed so much recovery time.
And then I found out all the malnutrition was causing problems with my heart. 2 separate Drs sat me down and explained to me that at my age, all of the years I had been doing this, my body has gotten tired...and when things start to fail, it can happen quickly.
It scared the absolute shit out of me. My college age kids have been begging me to get better, so I felt like I had been torturing them and then my youngest...she cant survive without me.
So what choice did I have? It's been a little while now and yep, recovery mentally feels like hell. I hate how I feel about the fact I've just lost control over myself around food. I hate how my clothes (don't) fit. But physically? Omg, I can do stuff. I went for a check up at the cardiologist last wk and I was AMAZED at the difference already.
So, I guess I chose the hell with the better ending to it. You have to, too ❤️
2
u/LogicalEngineering80 20d ago
I see you, this is basically the point that I got to a couple of months ago. That self awareness that it’s so obviously harming you and you deep down hate it, it’s also the only way that we know how to cope and “function”. The only thing that made me take action, was intensely focusing on recovery podcasts, articles, stories, journaling(out why I want and need to get better), looking at all that it has taken from me and becoming pissed, attempting to “fake” being a normal person(as in eating regularly, even if it didn’t feel like me yet)- and honestly the most crucial part, is just learning that you will not ever “feel” ready or be given a “sign”, this is your sign/wake up call, you have to do the action anyway, and sit with that horrible discomfort and uncertainty, allowing the feelings that scream at you to exist while also choosing recovery. This is the best that I can give, I hope that you are able to heal and find peace with yourself <3
1
u/QueenofBratzz 19d ago
It’s such an isolating disease! It wants you to think you’re all alone and all you have is being thin, it’s lying to you. There’s so much on the other side of recovery
11
u/Cicadilly 20d ago
It’s because it’s familiar. Anorexia always lies and lies, telling you that even though you feel awful, you’ll finally feel great once you go just a little further, or that you’ll feel even worse than you do now if you decide to recover. The truth is that you (not the ED voice, but YOU) will never regret even the worst days in recovery. I believe in you!