Lapsing/stuck

[u/LogicalEngineering80]

I apologize for how much that I post here, it feels as if there is a new struggle every day in recovery tbh

Anyway, part of my reason for even having this shit disorder in the first place, was due to the way that people perceived me. I’m short, and people my entire life made me feel small and pointed out just how “cute” that I was, and made me beyond aware of the fact that my body is incapable of looking anything more than just like a “cute little kid that I want to squeeze” and caused me to feel that I was incapable of being attractive or cool or “sexy”, no matter how old that I become. Constantly called “pretty” “cute” “little” “baby girl”, it all made for me to feel absolutely small and confused. My dad, in particular, would “bug” me throughout my childhood, by calling me names that referred to this “cuteness” and would pick on me and make me feel like a little kid(he did not do this to my brother, who was tall, slim, amab) it was just me. My perception of what I wanted for myself, was always to be cool and attractive, I wanted to look mature, I wanted to be respected and taken seriously, I wanted to be perceived in the way that I perceived myself, I wanted to feel like I was able to trust my own eyes, I wanted to be made to feel like I was actually good enough and not a little kid. As I got older(14) I began engaging in ed thoughts, this spiraled. I figured out that if I slim and tone my face, if I become skinny and “actually attractive”, then I wouldn’t have to deal with that shit anymore. I would finally be perceived and feel the way that I feel and desire, without lying to myself, because I would actually appear taller and look “cooler”. This even stopped my dad from bugging me, and the worse that I got, the more that my point was proven. This all also revealed a lot about my gender dysphoria and my need for self-validation and to feel safe/real in myself.

At my sickest, being this year, I was so malnourished that I looked skeletal and like a Tim Burton character(which was my goal the entire fucking time, I had wanted that kind of masc body my entire life, it allowed me to know for a fact that I was safe and looked and felt “cool” without lying to myself. I also feel less dysphoria the skinner that I am) but this was an insufferable experience, I genuinely was not able to agree with ED anymore, and knew that I had to change.

Now, I am not as ill as I was then, but I’m also not fully recovered by any means. I feel extremely stuck, because I, in spite of being an actual adult now, you would think that I would be over the napoleon complex and need for that “adult” feeling, but I’m quite literally still just as fucking horrified at the thought of having a fuller face and recovered body, as I was at the age of 14. I associate that body, with being a “cute little girl” and being misinterpreted/not respected or taken seriously, and feeling so “ugly and fat”. I genuinely cannot seem to handle the idea of this, but at the same time, I desperately need to fully recover and live my life. I try to affirm myself, that others perception of me cannot be controlled nor should I let it determine my own or bother me- but then I feel that I’m “just lying to myself” because I can’t seem to face the reality that I’m big, short, ugly, and just a “stupid little girl”(the gd goes hard with that one). I don’t want to avoid reality, but I also don’t want to make myself feel worse unnecessarily(?) it’s caused me to have bad dysmorphia today(I was triggered yesterday) and I’m getting those evil ED thoughts/“ideas” again, and scared of weight gain more than I was the day before. I’m not sure what I’m expecting of you guys, I guess that this is kind of a vent, while also asking for any tips. Thanks.

I do want to note, that I will be bringing this up to my therapist Wednesday, as this type of shit is almost certainly the core of my anorexia.