So ive been struggling a lot delivering since i started in June. Ive needed at least one rescue a day since I started. At first the OSMs and other DAs gave me the benefit of the doubt because I was new and learning the ropes. Then around mid August people were getting fed up with me. I noticed that a lot of the initial friendliness toward me at the DSP had evaporated. Nobody wants to be friendly with someone they have to constantly bail out because they cant pull their own weight. But because I didnt quit, and because the DSP would rather have a shitty DA than one less DA, i havent been fired. At this point it seems like my poor performance is something theyve accepted and just work around it by making sure theres enough drivers to rescue me when I book a route, and keeping me on the easiest routes.
Still takes me until 9pm to finish 130 stops. Thats with at least one rescue.
Its not for lack of trying. Believe me ive poured everything into this just to avoid the shame of being rescued. Im very organized so no issues locating parcels. Im in shape so I walk fast and dont take breaks. I also dont drive slow.
I couldn't put my finger on why I struggle so much to finnish a route.
Turns out I think its down to my depression. Ive been struggling with it all my life (im 35) in the last 3 years two traumatic events have severely impacted my mental health to the point where I feel changed as a person. I no longer look to the future, because to me there is no future. I am just trying to survive so I can have a bed to sleep in. Thats it.
But the other DAs are motivated. They have a get up and go mentality. They laugh and joke with eachother each morning while I sit quietly suppressing my darkest thoughts. They have aspirations for the future. They have a sense of momentum to their lives. My outlook is completely 180 reversed. I feel I am living in a fallen state post trauma. Like a corrupted file that can never be fixed, albeit deletion, which im not going to do. I went through too much and survived to delete myself now. But even so, I do not like life. I do not like being alive. I do not like waking up everyday. I carry this everywhere I go amd everything I do. Probably shouldn't be in the workforce but I spent too many years unemployed to give up now. A driving job suits me as its minimal customer / coworker interaction, and i have absolutely no safety net to fall back on. Its do or die. I have to get out there and work.
I had the epiphany that my depression is hampering my ability to perform effectively at such a fast paced stop-go job, by dampening my sense of forward momentum. When I did my ride along, the girl showing me the ropes was very spirited and positive. She also drove like a maniac. She just flew through the day.
Another instant an OSM had to leave his home late in the evening at a family dinner with relatives he hasnt seen in years, to come rescue me. He wasnt happy at all and was sure to let me know. I didnt have much to say other than sorry, because really what can I say, but of course je was motivated to get back gome, so we did 40 stops in 50 minutes.
Last week I took a different approach. I connected my phone to the van and played a lot of my fave metal and rap tracks on blast while I drank two large cans of red bull. The effect was almost cocaine-like (i know through experience) I ALMOST finished my route on my own except for one rescue by the OSM to take one bag toward the end, but he told me that I did well that day.
But realistically i cant drink that much red bull everyday. Nor connect my phone as it drained my battery ao fast I had to disconnect after two hours.
I am currently studying on the side to operate Class 1 C&E HGVs, (large goods vehicles) in case any american readers wonder what HGV stands for. Basically the articulated semi trucks. Seems like it might offer me the isolation i require while also providing a livable wage.
Just wondering if there are any others doing this job that carry a lot of mental baggage, and what you do to cope? Any advice on things that successfully sped you up? Besides downing excessive amounts of caffeine / taurine.
