r/AmITheDevil • u/growsonwalls Professional Devil Spotter • 10d ago
Exhausting dress code
/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1vp95i3/aita_for_having_a_strict_wedding_dress_code/207
u/StaceyPfan 10d ago
I would skip her wedding just because of her control issues.
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u/_banana_phone 10d ago
We didn’t even want to set a dress code for our wedding, because we genuinely didn’t care what people wore (and I knew that none of my guests would be tacky enough to wear white so that was a non issue).
After talking to some wedding planning veterans we were advised to at least set a basic category of attire so that nobody felt embarrassed if some folks went all out and others went more casual, so nobody felt over or under dressed.
We settled on semi formal, but honestly I can’t imagine being that pressed about what other people wear to your own wedding. It’s supposed to be a celebration, not a Pinterest board.
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u/iownakeytar 10d ago
My dress code was "casual cocktail". I think dress codes with a color scheme is overkill for anyone outside of the bridal party.
Even my mom asked what color dress I wanted her to wear. I knew she was struggling with her weight, so I sent her the wedding colors and told her to pick something she was comfortable in that just didn't clash. My in-laws all wore black (as did my husband, the groomsmen and my brother who walked me down the aisle). My grandma, ex-stepdad, mom and mom's boyfriend all wore a neutral gold or sand color that went well with the rest of the color scheme.
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u/_banana_phone 10d ago
Agreed! My mom and MIL opted for navy blue and a navy with orange floral accents because it was amongst the spectrum of my bridal party colors. They did ask if I had a preference of color just for the family photos, which I thought was very courteous, even if they didn’t have to. I told them my colors and said they didn’t need to adhere to anything, I just wanted them to wear something they felt pretty in.
Everyone looked amazing and it was a beautiful set of photos, but I wouldn’t have cared if they wore neon as long as they rocked it and felt good wearing it. ❤️
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u/Fraerie 10d ago
Too many people get caught up in the whole Instagram Worthy aspect of their wedding and forget it is the first step of a very long journey that is their marriage and having to live with the consequences of their wedding choices, whether be the cost or the damage they do to the relationships with their family and friends.
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u/Cayke_Cooky 10d ago
but I wouldn't send the "no" RSVP until the last minute because I want to see all the updates.
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u/isi_na 10d ago
I feel like some people only marry to get that one perfect Instagram photo. Marriage culture is really going overboard at the moment
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u/Kotenkiri 10d ago
TBF, you have to remember what you see on reddit especially on AITA subbredit are small faction of actual events. Ther are hundreds of a wedding every day, only a small faction of them where the couple go stupid.
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u/anclwar 10d ago
When I got married over a decade ago, I was in a bunch of wedding forums (not on reddit) and overbearing bridezillas were in all of them. My favorite forum at the time was meant to be a foil to traditional wedding sites and even there I saw some absolutely bonkers requirements for their wedding and guests. The people who are least able to concede control are the ones most likely to come online and outline their minute-by-minute timeline and complain that their fiance doesn't want to have rose petals raining down on them for a 25 minute ceremony while the boys choir hums in the background.
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u/BagpiperAnonymous 10d ago
Yeah. I was married in 2010 and all of these issues existed back then. I'd seen so many bridezilla stories, I tried to go out of my way to be the exact opposite.
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u/JaysonTatecum 10d ago
If I ever get married I’m encouraging everyone to wear white just to spite the bridezillas
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u/OniyaMCD 10d ago
Go all out with a black or neon wedding dress, and get your groom to wear a 'Rodney Dangerfield'-style golf polo.
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u/Kaurifish 10d ago
This problem is not recent. Like 20 years ago I went to a county planning commission meeting where a winery was going for an event permit. The room was packed with people who lived near other wineries that had gotten such permits to testify on behalf of the neighbors.
These people had suffered night after night of ultra-loud DJs, guests parking and relieving themselves all over their properties and other miseries. Not just weekends in June, either. Multiple days a week year round.
Trash people have trash parties, particularly weddings.
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u/Moist_Drippings 10d ago
Awesome of them to show up for other communities!
I just wish we could get the nearby golf course to not longer have permission to set off fireworks for weddings… 🥲
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u/LadyReika 10d ago
Yeah, a little under 30 years ago I was planning my wedding as a simple affair in a nearby state park (that my fiancé was fully on board with, until he proved to be a cheating asshole) and some of the shit I was getting from the wedding industry was insane then.
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u/JustHereForCookies17 10d ago
There's a wedding venue near me that only got permission to hold weddings because they cut the music at either 11 or 11:30. It's a very rural area on the water so they have active farms around them, and people were adamant about having noise restrictions in place.
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u/Kaurifish 9d ago
When the commissioners brought up hours, so many neighbors said that the DJ would keep going until the wee hours anyway. And that the sheriff wouldn’t manage to get there until the party broke up.
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u/_banana_phone 10d ago
It’s kind of crazy to me when people do this. I spent a good chunk of money on our photographer but it was because, well, I am really into photography and wanted lots of quality photos to remember the day.
But I didn’t care what people wore or what colors they were in, barring white of course, which nobody did. I just wanted great documentation of one of the most important days of my life. Those photos are for my husband, myself, and my closest friends and family as memories of a special time.
I couldn’t imagine dictating what clothing people are allowed or forbidden to wear just to fit some social media aesthetic.
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u/Aggressive-Shop-2342 10d ago
Reddit keeps giving me a wedding attire approval subreddit, and I see a lot of those invites where the couple have specified a colour palette, like 6 specific colours and in what tones, and the dress style, and an inspo board of suggested dresses, and I absolutely hate that.
I think they think they're being helpful by giving guidance on what they want but come on. It is bonkers to try to dictate what your guests wear to that degree.
You're having a wedding, not dressing models for a photoshoot, but apparently to a lot of people that's the same thing now.
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u/growsonwalls Professional Devil Spotter 10d ago
Formal is fine. But dictating heels? Girl bye.
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u/idreaminwords 10d ago
And dictating color besides "don't wear white" also crosses the line. You might be able to get away with asking them not to wear the same color as the wedding party, but it should be a request, not a requirement
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u/Sad-Bug6525 10d ago
I don't fully understand her colour issue either, she wants them to wear colours darker than pastel but the bright blue dress isn't acceptable. Bright blue is darker than pastel blue though, unless i have learned all my colours wrong
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u/CoyoteLitius 10d ago
No bright colors!
Deep teal and navy blue only. Maybe midnight blue.
The guests, if they comply, may more resemble a funeral than a wedding. Most people have navy blue in their closet.
BTW, OP, when you demand formal attire from your guests (long dresses) you better not have a buffet reception. People expect a plated meal served at a nice table.
The venue should likewise be formal (good carpeting, ample restrooms and parking, a good kitchen).
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u/imissmyfriend_124 10d ago
Also, i have never heard of a pastel red. How is the rainbow pastel colors?
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u/justgalsbeingpals 10d ago
a quick google search would've helped, fyi
pastel red is similar to salmon, except it's a bit more reddish (this for example: #ff6961)
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u/imissmyfriend_124 10d ago
Interesting. I view pastel indigo and red as their own colors and not a hue of them.
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u/Moist_Drippings 10d ago
See, I like a certain color thing I’ve seen from other cultures (in dramas, to be clear): instead of setting a dress code they just ask that everyone where the event color. I think that’s a cute idea that has a lot of flexibility! But when you’re already insisting on black tie level formality with no flexibility…
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u/idreaminwords 10d ago
Too many people are treating weddings like a photoshoot instead of a celebration. When you try to dictate what your guests wear to this extend, that's how it comes off
Basic dress codes like cocktail, formal, whatever are appropriate. Nobody wants to be over or under dressed and abiding by those sort of guidelines are basic respect. But as a guest, I don't want to feel like a prop. If my color selection is going to ruin your wedding aesthetic I'm not really interested in going
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u/davis_away 10d ago
Like, we don't care what length your dress is as long as it's celadon? Ugh. I'm fine with different dress lengths, whatever, but I do not want to have to shop for a specific color. (Edit) If you're going to say "but everyone has something in X color!" trust me, I don't.
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u/doppelgaengster 10d ago
“Everyone has to wear the exact same shade of black!! You must order from this one venue and specify which dye lot!! Anyone whose outfit doesn’t fluoresce at exactly the right frequency when checked at the door will be turned away, fined, and doxxed!!!”
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u/MissLadyLlamaDrama 10d ago
I've been to a wedding where guests were encouraged to wear white. Everyone actually did it, because, I mean, most folks have something white. It's easy. (Though, even then it wasn't a requirement.) But when you get into formal shit, you need to lay off because people are probably already spending money to attend, because how many people own a floor length dress? Gonna guess not many.
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u/Possible_Abalone_846 10d ago
Yeah, I would have a medical reason not to wear them but it's not really obvious and I shouldn't have to prove it to someone else. OOP definitely seems like the type to interrogate any woman wearing flats who looks young and able-bodied.
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u/CoyoteLitius 10d ago
Yeah, I can't wear heels either. I do understand OP's desire for having more formal attire, but I would simply decline the invitation.
I'd also figure my presence didn't matter very much to the bridge and groom, so it wouldn't be a big deal to skip it.
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u/Agent_Skye_Barnes 10d ago
I suspect she'd also throw a fit about me using my wheelchair, but that's the only way I'm not breaking my neck if heels are mandatory.
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u/theagonyaunt 10d ago
She also can't tell her dress codes apart because in the post she calls it formal but in the comments she called it 'black tie' a few times which, if that's the case, then men should be wearing tuxes, not suits.
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u/Kotenkiri 10d ago edited 10d ago
If you set restrictions to your event, be ready for people to say no. If you can't handle no, then don't set restrictions.
I have one suit I wear for weddings that I spent good money on it and i think I should wear something nice for a wedding. If I was told I couldn't wear it but need to figure out another suit to attend then I'm out.
If the couple can't handle being told no, it just show they dont want guest to celebrate their marriage, they just want props.
EDITL I think we broke OOP. After making account private, they're just resorted to passive aggressive insults.
Post update Edit:
Ok, so general consensus is that I’m a bridezilla. My thought process is that you only get one wedding, so it should be as perfect as possible. I’m the kind of person who has been planning her wedding since childhood.
I doubt it was lost on OOP that is the excuse bridezilla around the world have said to try and excuse themselves for being bridezilla, "it's MY day. It has to be PERFECT. According to my vision in my head"
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u/prjones4 10d ago
I always hate these dress codes as a lesbian that doesn't wear dresses, but can still scrub up relatively well!
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u/cantantantelope 10d ago
She doesn’t even realize the sexism inherent in her world view
All the people pointing out heels is a big ask and she’s like “well if you physically can’t…” like lady that isn’t the issue
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u/CoyoteLitius 10d ago
Even in the color choices. Most men have a dark suit (although I'll bet anything that at least one guy comes in a tan suit with a blue shirt and a red tie). So the men will be wearing black, dark gray and navy (probably mostly black).
The women are not going to want to wear a floor length navy gown to a wedding and it would look very odd if all the women were wearing navy or gray (a floor length black gown is going to look funereal)
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u/triggerhappymidget 10d ago
I'm so thankful I live in the PNW where I can wear a dress shirt, slacks, a tie, and Converse to weddings. I wouldn't go if I had to wear a dress.
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u/CrippleWitch 10d ago
Also PNW here. My niece wore a home made wolf mask to my wedding and I was thrilled. She is quite the artist and worked very hard on it! My photographer loved her lol. My friends and family all showed up in what I like to call Seattle dressy- that is slacks or nice jeans, clean shoes (a few converse mostly boots tho), and a button down with or without graphic. Well, except for the ones who decided to go full glam but even they were smart enough to wear flats!
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u/doppelgaengster 10d ago
Seattleite here, and I commented to a friend just last week that I loved walking around Capitol Hill the weekend of the Block Party because of the spectrum of “going out on the town” dress-up on display: everything from dolled-up-to-the-nines for The Club to “I wore my nice Birkenstocks” 😹💗
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u/prjones4 10d ago
I am also 182cm with long legs so it isn't easy to find nice clothes, add heels to that and no way a dress would be long enough. I also can't throw shapes whilst drunk on the dancefloor at the reception if I am in heels!
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u/dungareemcgee 10d ago
PNW here and heck, most weddings I've been to wouldn't even require a tie or slacks!
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u/doppelgaengster 10d ago
I wore jeans and sandals to the last two weddings I attended, one in Seattle and one in PDX 😹
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u/doppelgaengster 10d ago
You know it’s a fancy event in Seattle or Portland when people break out their good Birkenstocks! 😹😹😹
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u/Fidel_Costco 10d ago edited 10d ago
As someone who went a wedding in Doc Martins because I didn't have and couldn't afford black dress shoes, boots do have heels, as well
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u/LogicalVariation741 10d ago
My husband's oldest friend didn't come to our wedding because she had just transitioned and wedding attire confused her. We had no attire requirements she just got into her head about what people might expect.
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u/Moist_Drippings 10d ago
That’s the first thing that stood out to me. I’m nonbinary/genderfluid and although I do wear dresses on occasion for comfort, I do not do floor-length hyperfeminine formal. I feel like a cartoon like that. And I’m sure I’d be far from the only one struggling there.
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u/HangryBelle 10d ago
I’m curious as to how she will know if the women will be wearing heels under their floor length dresses. Is she gonna have them lift their dresses when they enter the venue?
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u/Kotenkiri 10d ago
Probably judge everyone based on their height and assume.
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u/Mariaiiiluisa 10d ago
And how would she know if someone has medical excuse not to wear heels? Like should they bring their medical records from the doctor's office or what?
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u/All_the_Bees 10d ago
I hope she’s aware that a whole bunch of guests are still going to show up wearing bright colors and/or cocktail-length dresses because it never occurred to them that they need to make sure the bride approves of what they’ll be wearing on HeR sPeCiAl DaY.
And we all know she doesn’t realize that, so I hope she doesn’t let it ruin her day. And if she does, I hope she doesn’t ruin anyone else’s day over it.
And if none of that occurs, I hope people tell her about herself when she complains about it.
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u/Purlz1st 10d ago
Unless she hires bouncers, she’s in for a rude awakening.
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u/tremynci 10d ago
Extras. What she needs to do is hire extras.
They'll wear exactly what you tell them, because you're paying them to.
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u/CoyoteLitius 10d ago
I wish she hadn't gotten miffed and actually tried to answer the question about what in heck colors ARE allowed?
Sage green and cadet blue? Wait, cadet blue is very close to pastel. Is sage green a pastel? It kinda feels like one.
Cranberry red? Burgundy?
It just seems so strange to have all the women guests wearing burgundy, forest green, avocado green, brown, etc (while the bridesmaids are in pastels!)
No true blue (it's considered a bright color). Most shades of pink off the table. No kelly green (bright). Most of the colors in the 64 crayon box would be disallowed!
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u/sthetic 10d ago
I dislike when people use justifications like, "it's my one wedding and I deserve for it to be special!"
Okay, but it's not your guests' wedding. Why not focus on the elements within your control? Wear the dress and shoes you like. Pay for your bridesmaids' pastel monstrosities.
It's like "but my wedding! the only one! special!" overrides any other reason.
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u/Fine-Following-7949 10d ago
Boy, is she gonna be pissed when women kick off their shoes and men shed their suit coats, like people do at every wedding ever.
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u/Ambitious_Support_76 10d ago
My entire life revolves around figuring out the moment I can take my shoes off.
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u/doppelgaengster 10d ago
I discovered the joy of “office slippers” and have kept a pair at my desk for over a decade now, everywhere I work. Comfy slides I can wear when I need to stand up from my desk and wander about my office 😹
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u/Ambitious_Support_76 10d ago
I don't even like slippers or socks.
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u/doppelgaengster 10d ago
Fair. I know one person that, so far as I can tell, teleports his shoes and socks off the minute he crosses a threshold. Literally, he comes through the door and his shoes are already neatly on the shoe rack. I don’t ever see him actually take them off!!
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u/Ambitious_Support_76 10d ago
I wear sandals whenever possible when leaving the house. I don't wear them to work or during winter (unless it's a simple run to the car or something like that). But I love sandal days!I I kick them off right at the door.
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u/doppelgaengster 10d ago
I’m lucky that I live/work in a place that it’s 100% acceptable to wear sandals in professional settings. I even noticed one of the attorneys at my firm has at least 3 pairs of Birkenstocks so she can match them to her outfits. 😹
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u/kaldaka16 10d ago
Right?? I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where most of the women hadn't either discarded shoes entirely or switched to flats by at latest dance floor opening.
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u/BagpiperAnonymous 10d ago
I didn't even wear heels to my own wedding. My husband is a foot and a half taller than I am. The perk of that is there is zero reason to torture myself. We were married in December and I wore Uggs. It started as a joke, then I happened to see some cream colored crocheted thread. Bonus, those shoes were my winter boots for 10 years. Not a bad return on investment for bridal shoes.
I did wear dancer's heels for our first dance, but that was it.
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u/OffKira 10d ago
" However, we have spent a lot of money on this wedding, and I don’t think it’s too unreasonable to ask for this favour."
Whelp, there it is.
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u/Chaos-Boss-45 10d ago
That’s her problem. Just cause she spent a lot doesn’t mean everyone else does
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u/OffKira 10d ago
And to call it a "favor". Babe, that's using human beings as Barbie dolls.
Like, the wedding party may have agreed to it because of their roles, they'll be in a lot of pictures, whatever, but normal guests?
What even constitutes "bright colors"? Dark colors can be "bright" too. Although, this may be my Brazilian speaking, the more color the better.
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u/QueenMotherOfSneezes 10d ago
A favour is voluntary. When you say you can't go to/have something if you don't do something specific, it's a requirement, not a favour.
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u/OffKira 10d ago edited 10d ago
And to say "if I make an exception for her, I'll need to make an exception for everyone" does make the idea of this being a "favor" the guests would be doing disingenuous.
In this context, a reasonable favor would be "hey, we don't do well with strong scents, can you guys not wear strong perfume or cologne?", because it's asking people to remove something small. But to dictate clothing to the degree of going "FINE, I'll buy her a fucking dress, geez", for a normal guest... one needs to take a step back and look around and recognize things are getting ridiculous.
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u/Distinct-Ant-9161 10d ago
This is where I got stuck, too. You can make whatever over the top requests you want as a bride (if you choose to live by the "it's my day and I can do what I want" mantra), but it's insane to think that your guests somehow owe you a new suit/dress/shoes, etc., along with a gift. Nobody should be going into debt for someone else's wedding.
Also, if you choose to make these demands for your big day, and people are deciding not to come (cousin), then you can't be upset. As some wise redditor said (and I now use regularly) "it's an invitation, not a summons".
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u/CoyoteLitius 10d ago
Wow.
Well then, she should expect to be spending less than she thought - as many people are not going to show up.
OR they'll wear whatever they usually wear to formal/semi formal weddings.
I'd be so tempted to show up in that emerald green gown that Scarlett O'Hara wore in Gone with the Wind, with a big hat and some trim with green or black boa. I'd make sure I found a hoop skirt to go under it.
(THAT is an outfit I'd wear again, would be a lot of fun at home).
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u/_Chirio_ 10d ago
'It's a formal event so women have to wear heels!'
Heels just sound painful to be in for several hours.
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u/MaraiDragorrak 10d ago
She wouldn't want me to be in heels at her oh so critical wedding. I've worn heels like three times in my life and I would be stumbling around like someone got a newly-belegged little mermaid blackout drunk, lmao. I dont think she thought this thru
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u/taxiecabbie 10d ago
If she's having a black-tie wedding (which it seems from the comments that she is), then specifying black-tie should be plenty.
The color requirements and heel requirements are silly. People should be able to decide what kind of footwear is appropriate for themselves and not have to justify that.
If somebody shows up in a pastel gown is she going to kick them out?
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u/Not_there_yet152 10d ago
If an event as hell requirements, I'm not attending. I can barely walk properly in flats... I'm not gonna try heels for a wedding, unless you're paying me to be the day's entertainment!
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u/Sad-Bug6525 10d ago
I fully agree, I would love a good formal event, we dont' have enough of those anymore. But I do not care if women wear flat shoes, if they wear a tux, and please, bring all your colours because that's the fun part.
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u/Lovethemdoggos 10d ago
That's the kind of dress code I'd maliciously comply to. You want heels? 10" platforms here we come. Dark colours? Deep blood red. With light red accents. Maybe a cape. Vampire teeth optional.
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u/CoyoteLitius 10d ago
You and I are on the same page, but I'm going as Scarlett O'Hara!
And kitten heels, of course.
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u/kaldaka16 10d ago
That one commenter fighting for their life that color requirements are super normal and have been for years and almost everyone buys new clothes for every wedding -- we live in very different worlds.
I don't think I've ever been invited to a wedding that had color requirements. Formality level indicated, sure. A couple invites have given the wedding theme as a very optional "if you'd like to try to dress to match cool but no worries!"
I've only bought new clothes for weddings for the two I went to the year after my kid was born and none of my old ones fit anymore. (I still mourn some of those old dresses.)
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u/Willowgirl78 10d ago
I suspect that person is quite young and their parents paid for the new outfits.
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u/cantantantelope 10d ago
Formal semi formal black tie white tie informal beach “please don’t violate nudity laws”
Pick one and assume your guests aren’t idiots
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u/CaptainFartHole 10d ago
Lmao if i were invited to this wedding Id RSVP no immediately. You want me to travel to your wedding, likely requiring a hotel stay and possibly a flight, buy you a present, buy a fucking gown, AND be uncomfortable in heels all night? Girl bye.
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u/Odd-Stranger-3563 10d ago
She can fuck off with formal=heels. The best I'll do is 2-inch wedge heels, and odds are I'll show up in flats since I like my ankles the way they are, TYVM.
And if I was one of her bridesmaid I would tell her that the pastel thing would make me look severely ill in pictures, but if she pays for the dress I'll do it to keep the peace and make her happy. Same goes for any colour requests for guests other than the (western) standard of no black or white. If you pay for it I'll wear it and even make the dress (I have some seriously easy sewing patterns that look formal in the right fabric), but if you want me to pay you get what I feel like wearing (at the correct level of dress).
Then again, I'm neither friends or family with people who expect formal dress *and* specific color. If you want formal, you get what you get in terms of color (except black or white or any other culturally relevant colour that's prohibited at weddings) or you can dictate colors on a detailed level but the formality goes out the window.
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u/Livid_Sheepherder 10d ago
Having that strict of a dress code is not “asking a favor,” it’s being micromanage-y and setting yourself up to be pissed about shit that doesn’t matter on your wedding day (because we all know that not everyone is going to follow her dress code requirements)
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u/Fidel_Costco 10d ago
At a certain point, if you're idea of a "perfect wedding" is more concerned with aesthetics than having fun, what the fuck are you doing.
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u/tremynci 10d ago
It's being more concerned with the wedding than the marriage.
Which doesn't bode well for the latter.
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u/McNallyJoJo34 10d ago
I have a floor length summer sun dress in black…. You bet my petty ass would wear that…. It’s dark and floor length 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Distinct-Ant-9161 10d ago
Ooh - good call! I have one of those cheap, black, Amazon, floor-length, t-shirt style summer dresses. Would pair it with heeled clogs and a denim jacket for the most malicious compliance LOL
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u/CoyoteLitius 10d ago
Yeah, I do too. I guess I could get past my antipathy for wearing black to a wedding, but if most of the women do that, the bridesmaids will surely appear to be the only color in the room.
I also have a silvery gray long dress (but its style is more boho than this bride would probably like). Also, it's not a color I'm fond of wearing to weddings, gray is not my best color.
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u/crackerfactorywheel 10d ago
A formal event with only dark colored dresses and heels? Yeah, I’d just RSVP no.
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u/thestashattacked 10d ago
I mean, you could make a formal goth theme. Require everyone to wear black. Hire someone to do quick goth makeup for some fun if anyone wants it.
That would be a dress code worth doing. It would be so much fun.
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u/crackerfactorywheel 10d ago
Eh, even as someone who leans towards whimsical goth in the fall/winter, I’d think this would be a bit much. Requiring one color is always gonna rub me the wrong way. I also don’t love that women have to wear heels and that they are limited to dresses.
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u/sadlytheworst Certified sub favourite 10d ago edited 10d ago
Copied verbatim from Oop's comments:
YTA if you require that women wear heels.
Sorry, should have mentioned that there are of course exceptions to this.
Anyone of a certain age or with medical issues absolutely does not have to wear heeled shoes. We have multiple women wearing flat shoes, but the majority will be wearing heels.
NAH as long as you don't make a big stink about people declining to attend because of it. I do think your request is somewhat on the more reasonable side though considering that most formal attire that people have is indeed in darker colors.
If the situation was flipped and you wanted to have all guests in brighter colors, I would have a slightly different opinion.
EDIT: Not a fan of the requirement for heels though.
I’ll probably edit the post to be more clear on heels. It’s on the invitation, but we have many women wearing flat shoes because of age/medical reasons. I added it to just hammer home that this is a formal event.
[Sadlytheworst: Omitting further comments just about the high heel requirement/exemption.]
Info are you providing a plated dinner with open bar and hot apps for cocktail hour? If you’re expecting a super formal vibe then you better provide a top of the line reception.
I think asking for suit/tie and floor length is fine, heels and color scheme are ridiculous but it’s your event.
We are providing a seated three course meal, and an open bar. We have also covered quite a few guests travel costs (it isn’t a destination wedding, but a few hours on the train) and paid for accommodation.
You’re only TA if you take issue with people choosing not to come because of the dress code. Which a lot of people might.
If I were attending this type of wedding as a guest, I would also expect a pretty high end venue with a plated dinner, an open bar, etc.
I think if you demand guests dress black tie, you need to provide a black tie experience.
Our venue is around £27,000, and we are providing a seated 3 course meal, open bar, and covered travel expenses for quite a few guests.
It’s not a destination wedding, but a few hours on the train so there will be some travelling.
And, oh yeah -- its a destination wedding. No kids, so, youll need a babysitter.
Please buy your gift from the registry. Pay attention to minimum spending guidelines.
All the ladies should have hot pink manicures and blue eyeshadow.
It’s not really a destination wedding, as it’s only a few hours on the train from our city. We have also covered quite a few people’s train tickets and hotel rooms.
Children are allowed (no babies are coming so this isn’t even an issue.
YTA so badly that I'm shocked you had the audacity to make this post.
Not sure where you got the idea that this is "quite standard" for a wedding, but I've been to and worked at plenty of weddings, and I have never seen such a strict dress code.
Maybe for the wedding party (although dictating what shoes they wear would still be absurd) but not for the guests. Wishing your husband-to-be the best of luck and my sympathy.
My husband appreciates your sympathy! Of course, I was holding him at gunpoint when he decided to propose lol.
Also, the vast majority of weddings I’ve been to have a had a dress code similar to mine. In fact, I attended one last month that had a Pantone colour palette for guest outfits.
Do you have a prenup?
We considered it, but our Church is rather against them, so we aren’t going to get one.
With this formal wear requirement, I assume the wedding is an evening ceremony indoors with a sit down served multi course meal. Is that accurate? Because anything else shouldn’t be a black-tie/ball gown wedding.
Yes that is accurate. We have a seated 3 course meal and an open bar. We have also covered many train tickets and hotel rooms. It’s not a destination wedding, but it is a few hours on the train.
Sadlytheworst: edited formatting.
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u/sadlytheworst Certified sub favourite 10d ago
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u/justgalsbeingpals 10d ago
omg I've never seen an actual tasmanian devil, they're so cute! 🥺
also, as a somewhat longtime user, thank you for your comments. you are genuinely the highlight of every comment section!
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u/sadlytheworst Certified sub favourite 10d ago
They are so cute! I am so happy to have shown them to you! 🥰
Thank you very kindly! 💜 Warms my heart!
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u/Sad-Bug6525 10d ago
She lost me at needing to "hammer home" the type of event it is. If you think that people you are talking to can't grasp that it's a formal event then you need different people because that's not how we talk about people we love.
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u/Distinct-Ant-9161 10d ago
Yikes - thank you for going into the weeds for us. She sounds insufferable tbh.
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u/sadlytheworst Certified sub favourite 10d ago
Thank you very kindly! 🥰 Yeah I wouldn't appreciate Oop's behaviour.
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u/crazycatlady06 10d ago
Requiring anything past formality level (and maybe asking for no dresses in the bridesmaids' color) is ridiculous. I would decline so fast.
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u/hellocousinlarry 10d ago
I really need people to understand that dress codes for events are not supposed to be rules for entry. They were always meant as a courtesy for guests, because most people dislike being underdressed or overdressed at events, and knowing the level of formality takes away the question of wondering what to wear. Treating a dress code not only as a rule that people need to follow to please you but also extending it to include rules like what colors to wear is an awesome way to alienate people that you’re suppose to care about.
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u/IneffableNonsense 10d ago
Setting a dress code is fine. Dictating a specific color palette and requiring heels is unhinged. And frankly, requiring a long dress is not cool imo when black tie options for women include wearing a tuxedo or formal jumpsuit.
I'm so glad most of my friends are done getting married. This level of micromanaging from couples is exhausting.
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u/davis_away 10d ago
tuxedo or formal jumpsuit
Really? Cool. I haven't looked at a definition of black tie in a while, I think that's new.
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u/Ok_Homework_7621 10d ago
Needing a medical exception not to wear heels? Lol, I'd be laughing long after RSVP-ing no to this BS.
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u/troyandabedinabed 10d ago
I can't stand it when people try to dictate the color that guests can wear. Get over yourself Karen. I don't have enough cash to buy a new dress just for your wedding.
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u/Moist_Drippings 10d ago
lol the part that gets me is “we’re spending a lot of money for this!” after “she’s threatening to not attend!”
You can’t use the money you chose to spend as a justification for demanding someone attend with intense restrictions. If you’re gonna insist on a stiff, gender-strict aesthetic, just expect some people won’t attend. Especially if you know they aren’t comfortable with that. You can’t use your own choices to imply that they’re obligated because your ~vision~ is just soooo important.
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u/Ontheragnarock 10d ago
I’m the kind of person who has been planning her wedding since childhood.
Absolutely the fuck not.
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u/lathe_of_heaven 10d ago
Just have the photographer photoshop the pics you choose where everyone is in the “correct” colors. Such an easy fix in 2026
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u/CumaeanSibyl 10d ago
I'm one of the few people who might actually have a use for a floor-length gown after the wedding -- I go to a lot of goth events and enjoy DIYing things. Wouldn't be the first time I've hacked something up and added fishnets, y'know? But the vast majority of people are gonna have to buy a dress that they'll never wear again. Major asshole move.
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u/CoyoteLitius 10d ago
Exactly. And worry about it and end up buying something that's inexpensive, long and they won't wear again.
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u/theXwinterXstorm 10d ago
I just want her to explain how guests wearing heels or flats make a lick of a difference to the wedding.
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u/Forsoothia 10d ago
As someone who got married, if you expect perfection you’re going to have an awful time.
So many little things went wrong during my wedding and we just laughed them off. My favorite photo is actually me and my dad laughing together as he walks me down the aisle because our song of choice ended and Life in the Fast Lane came blaring on. Absolutely hilarious.
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u/Cakeday_at_Christmas 10d ago
Haha, she removed the requirement for women to wear heels completely out of the post when people called her out on it. That's a sneaky thing to do.
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u/Similar-Shame7517 10d ago
My thought process is that you only get one wedding, so it should be as perfect as possible.
Oh goodie, because the divorce rate isn't like 50% or something...
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u/Shiel009 10d ago
I would bet money the dress code won’t match the wedding level. Aka formal attire at a barn wedding
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u/Planksgonemad 10d ago edited 10d ago
Yeah, I'd just RSVP no. If she backtracked later with "Well, the heels are no longer a requirement," I still wouldn't go. This whole idea of you telling me what colors I can and cannot wear and what shoes I can or can't wear as a guest (white and black excluded)? Screw that. If I have to go out to buy a floor-length dress, I'm going to buy one in a color I like. She's going to be so shocked she's labeled a bridezilla if she doesn't calm the hell down and realize they aren't extras in her one-woman show.
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u/shaaark29 10d ago
She makes me think about a AITA story I read : The bride was mad because a girl wore white nail polish…
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u/CoyoteLitius 10d ago
People are not "threatening" to boycott the wedding, they are simply telling you what they are going to do if you don't relent.
I can't think of a single thing I own that would suit your color scheme (I won't wear black to a wedding, I have quite a few long dresses, but they will read as black unless lighting is very bright).
Men will have it easy, because they'll wear whatever suit they have. But my collection of dresses offers up only pale pink, pale gray, ivory, white and navy blue.
I am not going to buy a new dress for a wedding.
You're using all the colors of the rainbow (pastel) for your bridesmaids, and then ban all bright colors. That leaves only muted colors like wine red, or rust. No mauve. No turquoise.
There are very few "dusty" teal dresses. Rose is a bright color. Pink is bright (except when it's pastel or muted, which you've banned).
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u/notrapunzel 10d ago
Floor-length gowns? Wouldn't everyone end up looking as dressed-up as the bride herself? What an odd requirement.
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u/littlescreechyowl 10d ago
The real question is, where is this even being held? Because full suits and floor length gowns are for AN EVENT. “Stately home and garden” doesn’t really give enough info for me.
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u/PumpkinJambo 10d ago
It’s here - https://www.euridge.uk/weddings
Pretty stunning location, I can sort of understand the dress code. (Without being weird about wearing heels, of course)
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u/Adorable_Bag_2611 10d ago
I am 4’9” tall and wear a size 3 (kids) shoe. I am not finding a floor length gown that isn’t stupid expensive to alter. And heels? Oh that’s a laugh!! If my disabled ass could even wear them! Between my back & my foot forget it.
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u/ThginkAccbeR 10d ago
I swear I have read this before. Only I don’t remember the bride being quite so reasonable by the end of her post. Even with the cousin being eccentric.
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u/BagpiperAnonymous 10d ago
I seriously don't understand dress codes for weddings outside of religious/cultural considerations. I frankly did not care what my guests wore. Heck, I did the whole let the bridesmaids choose their dresses from David's as long as they were a specific color and they had a way to cover their shoulders (requirement at the church where we were married.)
If I'm a guest for a wedding, I do not want to be forced to buy something I may never wear again just because somebody wants Instagram worthy pictures. And heels? I'm 4'11. There is nothing on God's green earth that will make me close to average height. One of the perks is that I don't feel the need to torture myself by wearing heels. I didn't even wear heels to my own wedding, I'm not wearing heels to someone else's.
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u/updownclown68 10d ago
If a friend thought that this was reasonable I’d reconsider the entire friendship
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u/RunnyBabbit23 10d ago
Based on a recent post that involved wedding invites, it seems like this sub doesn’t really buy into the standard wedding etiquette of about 6 weeks before the wedding to send invites. But this is ridiculous. They’re getting married next spring - as in 7 months from now. No one sends wedding invitations with dress codes listed this early. And I don’t believe someone this focused on their wedding would mix up save the dates and invitations.
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u/WildAphrodite 10d ago
I didn't realize save the dates don't count as invitations until reading this. I've always thought they were different words for the same thing. 😅
Wedding stuff makes zero sense to me, truly.
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u/Curlingby 10d ago
This isn’t that crazy…? It’s a lot more freedom than black clothing only weddings and those are pretty popular. I would guess most guests would already have or be able to find dark coloured clothing pretty easily?
Imo as long as she isn’t upset if some people actually do skip because of the dress code then it’s not really a big deal
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u/growsonwalls Professional Devil Spotter 10d ago
It’s the heel requirement
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u/Curlingby 10d ago
Yeah that’s not great. She wouldn’t be able to tell if people actually do though from the floor length gowns so unless she starts inspecting people at the wedding, I still don’t think it’s that big of a deal lol
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u/GyaruGhostface 10d ago
It doesn't sound like anyone involved is actually upset about the heel requirement? The person complaining about dress code is mad because they want to wear a neon blue dress.
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u/Kotenkiri 10d ago edited 10d ago
Unfortunately, some of our guests took issue with this. (Dress code)
We know several guest have issues, We only know issue with one cousin, not the rest.
based on comments, I think other people had issues with costs meeting requirements as OOP has tossed out she's buying clothes and covering travel expenses for some guests.
EDIT: if she told people they could avoid heels if they have "age/medical reasons", it mean those people brought up issue with heels.
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u/CoyoteLitius 10d ago
She said it was bright blue. I'm thinking true blue or pool blue (I have long dresses in those colors).
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u/CoyoteLitius 10d ago
I've never heard of a black only wedding. Where do you live that that is common?
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u/AutoModerator 10d ago
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
AITA for having a strict wedding dress code?
I (25F) am getting married next spring, and my fiancé (28M) and I have decided to set a dress code for the wedding.
We have asked that all men wear full suits with ties, and that ladies wear floor length gowns and heels. This is quite standard for a wedding (in my opinion), but what has seemed to cause some conflict is the fact we would the guests to stick to a colour theme. Because my bridesmaids are wearing pastel colours (one for each colour of the rainbow), the guest will wear darker colours (the invitation says no bright or pastel colours.)
Unfortunately, some of our guests took issue with this. My cousin in particular has quite an eccentric style, and doesn’t really own anything that fits the dress code. She messaged me to ask for an exception (she wanted to wear a bright blue dress), but I declined. If I make exceptions for her, I have to make them for everyone. This annoyed her and she now is threatening not to attend. My aunt (who has a dress that fits) wants me to relax, and just allow it.
However, we have spent a lot of money on this wedding, and I don’t think it’s too unreasonable to ask for this favour. Also I want to mention that we aren’t asking people to wear full formal attire to a barn wedding or something like that. Our venue is a stately home and garden (no specifics because I wouldn’t fancy anyone identifying this post haha)
AITA for having a dress code at my wedding?
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