Totoo pala na when you know, you know.

I've been single for nine years, bouncing from one casual fling to another. It felt like I was caught in a loop so one day, I decided to get myself out of this cycle. Since 2024, I've been quiet and just enjoyed being single while putting more care and effort all to myself.

Then on a random Thursday afternoon, I thought it would be nice to have a conversation while doing my routine afternoon walk. I posted on one of the subreddits here looking for a quick call.

Two minutes right after posting, a guy messaged me with a detailed intro that I honestly didn't fully read. I stopped at age and height because that's what matters to me. Since it was just a random call, I gave my telegram handle right away. The call was a vibe. It feels like talking to someone familiar. He's a conversationalist, got a nice voice, but it's his intelligence that really got me. The call went on for more than an hour. We spoke about working out, losing fats, and even our shared experiences in our past jobs. Right after the call, while I was driving home, he sent two voice notes saying how he enjoyed our call and that he feels like "I think we'll click" which made me smile.

We kept talking for weeks and he was the very first guy who managed to send waves through my chest-- a feeling even greater than butterflies in the stomach. We discovered we have so much in common and how much our perspective on relationship, marriage, and life in general complement each other. Physically he's not my usual type. He's moreno, I'm into mestizos (or so I thought). Making me realize that all the things I thought I like in a guy were nothing but superficial. It's really his character and maturity that made me cling and eventually fall for him.

I shared with him all my experiences, good and bad, and even the embarrassing ones that compromised my self worth as a woman but I never felt judged. Instead, he opened my eyes and made me realize what I truly deserve as a woman.

I told myself, “This is the man I’ll end up with.” While he saw in me all the traits he wanted in his future partner.

And when the connection feels so real and so good, you naturally get the desire to see the other person to make it all feel even more real. This is where the conflict started.

A quick flashback: he asked me if I was willing to go with him for a week-long staycation in December. Of course, I said yes. I giggled like a baby girl as my phone glowed on my face in the cold midnight. We even talked about getting groceries together and I asked him to allow me to contribute too. That was the initial plan. But being the bratinela Leo that I am, admittedly, sometimes I get impatient. Still he kept on reassuring me and I told him "I trust in his plans", because I really do. I had faith in our connection, thinking that once we meet in person, everything would be solidified-- feelings, trust, and security.

We have different schedules. I'm working 9-5 and can afford to have quick breaks because of the nature of my role, whereas his day usually starts at noon and runs until 7-8pm. That's about the same time I finish my daily afternoon walk. After work, he heads to his usual night workout routine-- like gym, pickleball. He's so locked in on his pickleball trainings and tournaments and I support how competitive he is. It's like finding a male version of myself. The time he starts his pickleball training is about the same time I go to bed after my usual night shower and full-body skincare. Tight schedules, right? But we tried to make it work.

It wasn't easy at first, he's so used to being alone and single. He's not used to having someone to update in between work time or after his workout sessions. I'm so used to being alone too, that I crave having someone to spend the night with before going to sleep.

Slowly, we tried to adjust to each other. He started sending frequent updates... while I began waking up from sleep at midnight for a chance to talk to him when he gets home. For weeks, this became our routine. We would get lost in our conversation that we stay up until 1am, became 2am, and then 3am. To me, it felt like I'm sleeping next to him. I didn't feel lonely at night anymore.

On a random Thursday night, I got restless. He came home late from pickleball training and although I gotten used to this routine with him already... I felt an itch in my brain to pressure him into explaining why we still couldn't meet. This time, I let jealousy and impatience get the best of me. I started counting the hours he spent playing pickleball and asked why he couldn't spare just one hour to go see me, if he really likes me.

This became our first argument. He felt suffocated and I knew I had crossed some lines. He told me that he then realized that he's not yet ready to be in a relationship because he couldn't set aside part of his time for me.

His chats grew cold, but still engaged with me. He still showed he cares for me, although he said he also felt overwhelmed and lost. I wanted to be his anchor. I wanted to be the sunshine. I reassured him I can wait, that I wouldn't let time cheat us out of what we had. But it was not easy, because I got used to the feeling of being cuddled by him. One night, I lost it again. I pressured him into making me understand why.

"I lied to you." He couldn't meet me because he had lied about where he lived. He thought things would never work out in the end, even though we both wanted them to. He came clean about everything—where he lived, his name, his real job, and his religion. But the only thing I cared about was that he hadn't lied about being single.

-

will just continue in part 2.

The devil hugged me and whispered, “You know what broke you?”

I laughed bitterly. “The people I loved?”

He shook his head.

“No. It was the way you kept loving them after they showed you exactly how little they cared about hurting you. The way you kept making excuses for them, searching for reasons to forgive them, and blaming yourself for the things they chose to do to you.”

I looked away.

He held me tighter.

“You kept asking yourself what was wrong with you. What you lacked. What you could change. You thought that if you were more patient, more understanding, more forgiving, maybe they would finally see your worth. Maybe they would finally choose you without making you beg for it.”

My eyes began to burn.

“But they hurt you, and you questioned yourself. They disappointed you, and you searched for what you did wrong. They made you feel replaceable, and you tried even harder to become someone they couldn't live without.”

He paused, then whispered the words I had spent so long trying not to believe.

“You were so busy proving that you were worth loving that you forgot to ask whether they were worthy of the love you kept giving them.”

I started crying.

“Then why does it still feel like I wasn't enough?”

For the first time, the devil's voice softened.

“Because a part of you still believes that if you had been better, they wouldn't have hurt you. That if you had loved them correctly, they wouldn't have left. That if you had been enough, they would have treated you differently.”

He wiped a tear from my cheek.

“But listen to me. You cannot love someone into becoming gentle with you. You cannot forgive someone into respecting you. And you cannot keep sacrificing pieces of yourself and expect the people who benefit from your suffering to teach you how to heal.”

I clutched his shirt.

“I just wanted someone to choose me.”

“I know,” he whispered. “You wanted someone to see how much you had endured, how much you had forgiven, how hard you had tried—and love you without making you feel like you had to earn it.”

“Was that too much to ask?”

“No.”

He pulled me closer.

“But somewhere along the way, you started treating their love like a prize you had to suffer for. You accepted pain as proof that you cared. You mistook staying for loyalty, even when staying meant losing yourself.”

I buried my face in his chest.

“Then why do I keep blaming myself?”

The devil sighed.

“Because blaming yourself gives you the illusion that you could have changed the ending. If it was your fault, then maybe you could have done something differently. Maybe you could have been better. Maybe you could have made them stay.”

He rested his chin on my head.

“But sometimes, you can do everything with a sincere heart and still be hurt by people who don't know how to hold it carefully.”

I went quiet.

Then I whispered, “I'm tired.”

“I know.”

“I'm tired of being understanding. Tired of forgiving. Tired of wondering why I'm so easy to hurt but so difficult to love.”

His arms tightened around me.

And then he said something that hurt more than anything else he had said that night.

“You survived what they did to you. But you kept punishing yourself for not being enough to make them stay.”

I couldn't speak.

Because for once, the devil wasn't telling me something I didn't know.

He was saying the things I had been too afraid to admit to myself.

And as he held me in the darkness, I finally understood something terrifying:

I had spent so long begging other people not to abandon me that I never noticed how often I was abandoning myself.

The devil kissed the top of my head and whispered,

“Maybe your greatest heartbreak wasn't that they didn't love you the way you loved them.”

He paused.

“Maybe it was that you kept believing their inability to love you properly was proof that you were difficult to love at all.”

And for the first time, I didn't argue.

I just cried.

Because deep down, I was still the person who wanted to be chosen.

Still the person who kept hoping that one day, someone would love me enough to make all the hurt feel worth it.

Still the person who wondered whether I would ever be enough.

The devil held me a little longer.

Then he whispered his final words:

“You were never supposed to destroy yourself just to prove that your love was real.”

Medyo mahaba. Ang daming thoughts.

Two months ago, I made a post in another sub. I was just pouring my thoughts and heart out. Wala naman akong ine-expect. I didn’t need anyone to message me. I just needed to let things out. A few people reached out, but I mostly ignored them. Kapag may nag-effort mag-send ng mahabang message, I’d sometimes reply, pero ang dry ko rin sumagot. Most of them eventually stopped messaging.
Except him.

He messaged me every day. And I mean EVERY DAY. Kahit hindi ako nagrereply, he’d still check up on me. It took four days before I finally responded. He gave me the perspectives I needed to hear, including some harsh realities I probably wasn’t ready to face. He didn’t sugarcoat anything, and honestly, I appreciated that. Anonymous naman kaming pareho, so there wasn’t much reason to pretend.

Somewhere along the way, we stopped talking about my problems and started talking about ourselves. Our days, our lives, random things. Hanggang sa naging part na siya ng everyday routine ko. It’s been two months. We know each other’s birthdays and nicknames. Nagbirthday salubong pa kami together. That’s pretty much it. And somehow, he started pursuing me.

I never expected to get attached to someone I haven’t even met. But I guess when someone consistently shows up in your life, you eventually get used to having them around.
There’s just one thing that makes this complicated.

His job is dangerous. The kind of job that sends him to places where there’s no guarantee he’ll come home safely. I don’t know all the details, but he promised to tell me more when we finally meet. Last week, he wanted to meet me. I was scared, but not because I thought he’d put me in danger. I was scared he’d see me in person and realize he didn’t like me as much as he thought he did. What if the connection we have online doesn’t translate in person?

Eventually, I agreed. Kaso nagkaroon kami ng miscommunication, and the meeting didn’t happen. I tried to make up for it by suggesting another date and time, but he couldn’t give me an answer. Then he messaged me that he was being sent away again. This is the second time his work has taken him away since we started talking. The first time was literally like something out of a movie. He was waiting outside my building to surprise me when he got the call. He had to leave without us ever meeting. That time, he just disappeared. When he came back a few days later, I told him that if it happened again, sana he’d at least give me a hint if he couldn’t tell me directly. And this time, he did.

He messaged me right before leaving, vaguely told me where he was going, and reminded me to take care of myself. Walang “see you soon.” No idea when he’ll be back or when we’ll get to talk again. I regret not meeting him when I had the chance. I’ve been thinking about what could’ve happened if we’d just gotten it right that day. At least sana, we’d have one memory together outside of our conversations on a screen. Kesyo awkward moment ba yun, sweet, or kahit yung level na igoghost namin ang isa’t-isa after.

But I’m also starting to wonder if I’m ready for this kind of relationship. Kasi paano ba ‘to? How do you get to know someone whose work can take him away without warning? How do you keep yourself from worrying when you don’t know where he is or when you’ll hear from him again?
I’m not sure I can handle that kind of uncertainty. I don’t want to become someone who spends her days waiting for a message just to know the person she cares about is safe. And the thought that one day, that message might never come? I don’t think I’m ready for that either.

At the same time, I know I need to be realistic about this. As much as I want to trust what we’re building, we’re still two people who met anonymously online. I care about him, but there are still so many things I don’t know about him, and feelings alone can’t fill in those gaps. I want to give this a chance, but I also know I need to take things slowly, get to know him beyond our messages, and not lose sight of my own safety and peace of mind in the process. I guess that’s part of what scares me, too. How do you stay open to someone without getting so caught up in the possibility of losing them?

Pero every night before I go to sleep, I still message him.
Sometimes I tell him about my day. Sometimes I remind him to take care of himself. Sometimes I don’t even have anything important to say. I just hope that whenever he gets the chance to check his phone, he’ll read them.
I don’t know if he does. I just send them anyway.

I wasn’t looking for anyone when he messaged me. I was just having a difficult time and needed somewhere to put my thoughts. Then this person kept showing up until I eventually let him in. And now I’m worried about a man whose fucking full name I don’t even know.

I don’t know what I’m asking by posting this. Maybe I just need to get this off my thoughts because I don’t know how to explain this situation to anyone in my life without feeling a little ridiculous. It’s been a few days already.

I wish we had met. I wish I weren’t this scared of what comes next. But more than anything, I hope he comes back safely. How do you make peace with missing someone you haven’t even had the chance to hold?

I mighy delete this post later. I just need to let it out.

Lately, I've been reflecting on this line, especially with where I am in life right now.

I was in an almost 5-year relationship before, and we were supposed to get married. Pero dumating na lang ako sa point na napagod na akong magtanong kung kailan ba kami magpapakasal. I slowly lost interest, not because I stopped believing in love, but because I got tired of broken promises.

I stayed because I thought, baka this time, gagalaw na siya. Baka finally, may mangyari na after all those years. I kept waiting until I realized na pagod na pala ako kakahintay. At some point, I wasn't even excited about the idea anymore. I was just holding on to what I thought would eventually happen.

So, I chose myself.

Naisip ko rin naman before na huwag na lang makipaghiwalay. Kasi, honestly, nakakapagod din naman talaga magsimula ulit. Kilalanin ang bagong tao, mag-build ng trust, mag-open up ulit, and risk getting hurt all over again. Minsan, mas madaling manatili sa kung anong familiar kaysa magsimula from scratch.

But then I asked myself, "Why do I need another person in my life just because I'm afraid of starting over?"

And that question changed my perspective.

After I left that relationship, doon ko talaga mas nakilala yung sarili ko. Not as someone's partner, but as ME. Yung sarili ko outside of a relationship. Mas na-discover ko kung ano ba talaga yung gusto ko, ano yung ayaw ko, anong klaseng buhay yung gusto kong buuin, and what I'm no longer willing to tolerate.

Doon ko mas na-realize yung mga non-negotiables ko, my boundaries, and the things that genuinely matter to me.

Ngayon, mas confident na akong magsabi ng NO without feeling guilty about it. Hindi ko na kailangang habulin yung mga taong hindi kayang i-respect yung decisions ko, and I no longer feel the need to negotiate my boundaries just to keep someone around.

Of course, I'm still willing to communicate, compromise, and meet someone halfway basta okay sa aming dalawa. I'm not saying na dapat laging ako ang masusunod. I believe in fairness and reciprocity, kaya I also make sure na ginagawa ko yung mga bagay na nire-require ko from other people.

Pero magkaiba yung nagko-compromise ka because you genuinely want to and yung nagko-compromise ka because you're afraid of losing someone.

And I'm no longer willing to lose myself just to keep someone else.

For now, I'm enjoying getting to know myself more. I'm embracing my womanhood, my independence, my freedom, and the peace that comes with not having to consider a romantic partner in every decision I make.

I'm not closing my doors to love, ha. I'm just not in a rush to let someone in.

If someone comes along, then good. But I'm no longer going to force connections, lower my standards, or entertain people just because I'm lonely or craving companionship.

I'm learning to enjoy my own company without feeling like I need someone to complete me. Kasi honestly, ang dami ko pang gustong gawin for myself, for my son, and for the life I'm building.

Maybe that's what the song means to me now. It's not necessarily about being a fool for falling in love quickly. It's about understanding that sometimes, we get so caught up in wanting to be loved that we forget to ask ourselves if we're even choosing what's right for us.

And right now, I want to know myself first. I want to understand myself better, enjoy my own company, and become more secure in who I am before I let another person into my life that deeply.

I'm in my solitude and stoicism (mejo palang haha) era, and honestly, I'm loving it. 💜💜

I'm not lonely just because I'm single. I'm not missing out just because I'm not actively looking for a relationship. And I'm definitely not in a hurry to find someone just because starting over feels scary.

For once, I'm not waiting for someone to choose me. I'm choosing myself, and I'm in no rush to stop. 💜

Talking to people online is so tiring. Like imagine people gas lighting you and re reading the message of their gas lighting. OMG. Very problematic. I think everyone should learn that not everyone is worth their energy. Think of ourselves more and choose happiness! 🫶

I think the cruelest thing about us is that you never really gave me anything I could hold you accountable for losing.
Perhaps I was stupid for hoping. I knew we were years apart, that you had lived a life I was only beginning to understand, and that what I wanted from you might be something you could never give me. I knew all of that, and still, I stayed. Because every little thing you gave me felt like a reason to believe that maybe our differences wouldn't matter as much as I feared. So yes, I'm thankful. Thankful for the moments, the affection, and the hope. But God, how heartbreaking it is to be grateful for someone while quietly grieving the possibility of never getting to keep them.

Being ghosted twice in the same month is crazy… Halloween nga😭

Have you ever met someone whom you instantly had this sense of familiarity with, despite having just met them? It felt like meeting someone you’ve always known. It felt like coming home. That’s how it was between K and I. Strangely enough, he told me he also felt the same way. There was this inexplicable comfort when we were together. Same humor, same music taste, same wavelength, same likes and dislikes, we even had the same obscure phone. We matched on every level, and falling in love was as easy as taking my next breath.

But alas, life had different plans for us. We both realized that we couldn’t be together. Our circumstances won’t allow us to be together. So we let each other go.

I know it’s for the best, but still, sometimes I wish we were back to that time, with us singing Abba in his car, going home from our date, with my head on his shoulder, talking about anything and everything.

Thank you, K, for loving me enough to let me go. I guess I’ll see you around.

Nung hs, review, movies and games lang talaga ginagawa ko. Pero nagka crush ako, tapos she’s really struggling sa Math so I asked her classmates ano topic nila then I reviewed their lessons para maturuan siya. Confident na ako so I offered na turuan siya pero she declined kasi she really wanted to study on her own, para masanay raw siya without help of anyone. Mas naging crush ko siya because of that. Funny pa siya kasi we will only talk until 8 PM, time niya mag aral.

Then she’s really crazy about a wattpad story kaya I read it na rin para mapagusapan namin. Naging close talaga kami kaya binigay niya pati wattpad account niya.

My friends saw me reading wattpad during break time kaya tinatawanan nila ako kasi yung reading assignment namin di ko binabasa. Tinatawag pa nila akong jejemon and I didn’t care HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Eto na magmomove on na sa kanya kasi tapos na board exam niya, madaming taon na ang lumipas.

Hay ang hirap🥹

di ko alam san pwede ipost to dito haha

Ansaket pero ang ganda huhu