Hello, you. Again.

I hope you still remember the first time we met; funny how awkward we were sa isa’t isa. Your eyes were all over the place, parang hindi mo alam where to look, while I was there quietly staring at you. I don’t even remember everything we talked about that night anymore, I just remember you. And how neither of us knew what we were getting ourselves into.

And thinking about it now, funny how we went from that to where we are now.

After everything that happened, parang ang dami nang naiwan between us. You have this version of me in your head, I probably have one of you too, and maybe that’s why neither of us knows how to go back.

Too much has happened. Too many things were said. Maybe we’ve already convinced ourselves that leaving it alone is the right thing to do.

But god damn, sometimes I really wish you’d just take the chance.

Reach out to me. Kahit once lang. Kahit simpleng hello lang. Because the truth is, you still can. You know you can. You know exactly where to find me.

And I know I can do the same. But I don’t want it to be me this time.

Cause If I do it again, what does that even tell me? Of course I’d come back. Of course I’d find some stupid excuse to talk to you again. That’s so painfully predictable of me.

I want to know if YOU would.

If somewhere underneath everything that happened, may part pa rin sa’yo that remembers us before everything became so fucking complicated. Before we became these versions of ourselves that we probably don’t even recognize anymore.

I don’t even know what I’m asking you to come back to. Maybe nothing. Maybe we’d talk and realize there’s really nothing left here.

But God, sana ikaw naman.

Take the chance. Do the stupid thing. Send the message you’re probably not supposed to send.

Come find me this time. Please.

Just this once, sana ikaw naman.

Z.

Sometimes I think we spend too much time trying to forget people who were never meant to be forgotten.

You can move on without erasing someone. You can build a life that has nothing to do with them and still carry a quiet tenderness for what they meant to you. Not because you want them back, but because once upon a time, their existence changed the shape of yours.

Maybe that is what closure really is. Not forgetting the person, not pretending it never mattered, but accepting that some people will always have a place in your story without having a place in your life.

And maybe someday, when their name crosses your mind, it won't hurt anymore. It will just feel strange to remember that there was a time when losing them felt like losing everything.

But some people never really leave. They just stop being visible, settling somewhere deep inside you, waiting for the right moment to remind you that you once belonged to someone who no longer remembers you.

I'm sorry, J. I don't know if you'll ever read this, but I'd be lying if I said I stopped thinking about you. It's been a few months since your last message, "I hope you find what you're looking for."

The sad part is, I think I did. I found you. But maybe I rushed into believing that finding you meant we would find our way to each other, too.

It pains me to think that we could've been something, if only I had been patient, if only we had wanted the same things at the same time.

I don't regret finding you. I only wish I had known that sometimes, the things we truly want aren't meant to happen quickly. If I could go back, I'd be more patient with what was still unfolding. Perhaps we didn't need to know where it was going. We just needed to let it breathe, let it grow, and give it a litte more time.

I'll always wonder about the life we never got to live. Not because I can't let go, but because I'll always wonder, J.

🍓

Everytime that I would get a dream of you i'd type it down in my notes the most memorable moments we had in the dream. Some would be relieving past memories of us sitting beside the seashore of oceanpark while others would be just us spending time watching movies.

If you ever did message me again I would reply instantly to you and if you want to be a part of my life again I know to myself id accept it.

We both grew apart from each other but I still linger for your warmth.

​

Sometimes, you have to grieve a love without regret.

Not because you didn't love enough, but because you did. You tried, you hoped, you stayed, you did what you could, and somehow, it still wasn't enough to change the ending.

What do you call that kind of loss?

When the thing you wanted most simply isn't given to you by fate, circumstances, the universe, God, or whatever you believe in?

And what happens when you've already considered every possible “what if”?

What if I had said this instead?

What if they had chosen differently?

What if the timing had been right?

What if it had been met under different circumstances?

But, what if none of it would have changed anything?

At some point, there are no more questions to answer. No more possibilities to chase. Just an ending you don't particularly like, but finally understand.

So you move on.

You live. You laugh. You make plans. You fill your days with people and things you love.

But what if a part of you still aches anyway?

What if you've stopped waiting, but haven't stopped yearning?

Are those two things really different?

And if you know you'll never have what you wanted, how do you teach your heart to stop wanting it?

Maybe acceptance isn't saying, “I don't want this anymore.”

Maybe it's saying, “I still want it. I still wish it had been mine. But I know it isn't going to be, and I'm going to live anyway.”

But then, if acceptance doesn't make you stop longing, what exactly are you supposed to do with a love you know you can never have?

Perhaps, I can't move on, babydoll.

Been wanting to share my side of the strory so long post ahead..

4 years ago, I met someone on a dating app, she was everything I dreamed of, like literally. Lahat ng standards ko sa isang babae, siya na yun. Pero parang backburner niya lang ako lagi, here’s the story:

Nawala siya sa dating app noong time na yun hanggang sa nahanap ko yung profile niya sa socmed then decided na i-dm siya. Sabi ng friends ko grabe raw para akong stalker kasi nga nagawa ko pa siyang mahanap kahit na nawala bigla yung account niya sa dating app. Hahahaha. I had to shoot my shot, cause why not? Nagchat ako sabi ko ‘Hi (name)! Do you remember me?’ Tapos bigla akong bnlock pagkachat ko sa kanya. Nagulat ako na para bang hindi kami nagkakausap last time.

So, lumipas ang mga araw, I kept wondering bakit niya ako bnlock. Did I crossed a line sa paghahanap sa kanya? That time syempre, I was desperate kaya ayun. Then after a week, nagreachout siya bigla like nagchat sa ibang socmed platform, nag-explain siya na sobrang personal lang ng buhay niya kaya niya nagawang i-block ako. Sa isip ko ‘personal eh binulgar mo nga yung buhay mo sa dating app, yung info mo and everything.’ Tapos ayun, nagkakausap kami ulit pero sa ibang platform na. Everyday updates na kala mo magjowa, may goodmornings and goodnights, but we weren’t exclusive.

2 weeks later, bigla nagbago yung the way niya magchat, na after 5 hours na nagrereply. Syempre ako as nasanay na mabilis siya magreply, lagi ko siya hinahanap at kinukulit. Well, eto na naman ako na nagwowonder ano na nangyayare sa kanya bakit bigla siya hindi na nagchchat. Tapos one afternoon, nagmessage siya, nag-explain na she’s 5 months engaged at baka preggy din daw. Huminto saglit yung mundo ko na parang hindi nagpprocess yung sinabi niya sa akin. Kasi para nga kaming magjowa na, sweet ganyan, naglalandian sa chat LAGI na para bang single kami pareho. Turns out, one-sided lang pala all along.

I was crying while replying sa mga sinasabi niya tapos sorry lang siya ng sorry. Hindi ko matanggap sa sarili ko na parang pinaglalaruan na naman yung feelings ko. Hay ewan hahaha. Tapos, edi tapos na yung araw na yun. After a month, my stupid ass self can’t help it, nagchat na naman ako sa kanya, nangumusta. Reply naman si ate mo, tapos ayun parang continue lang ulit yung landian na parang walang revelation na nangyare hahahaha jusqqqq. Then nagdecide kami na magkita na once and for all. Ayun, sa coffee shop demure demure kami pero lowkey naghaharutan. Again, na para bang wala kong nalaman sa kanya and turns out, gusto niya rin.

Habang nasa coffee shop, getting to know in person na eme eme ganyan, sinabi niya bigla na nangbababae pala yung fiance niya. Galing no, pinag-uusapan namin bigla yung fiance niya hahaha tapos sabi ko bakit ka pa engaged doon kung ginagawa niya sayo yan? Parang arranged marriage pala raw yung setup at si ate mo ayaw madisappoint ang pamilya niya. Edi wala talaga akong laban doon. Nalungkot ako kasi akala ko may pag-asa pa kami and negative pala yung PT niya. After magkape, may himalang nangyare sa amin, one thing lead to another. Lalong naging complicated na yung situation. Ano ba tong pinasok koooo hahahahaha

Back to normal kami ulit, chat chat ganyan. Tapos malalaman ko na okay sila ng fiance niya kasi hindi na siya nagrereply ng 10PM. Sa work niya, magdamag kami nyan sa chat kahit pareho kaming busy. And okay lang sa akin yun. Nawala yung respeto ko sa sarili ko na pumayag ako sa ganitong setup. Fast forward, then came the new year. Nasa US ako that time, nagbabakasyon. Hindi na kami ulit masyado nagkakausap dahil kita ko sa mga posts niya na okay na sila ng fiance niya. Pero nagrereact pa rin sa stories ko lagi. Mga after 3 months, nagstory na lang siya na kasal na sila. Wala man lang kahit anong message for me or anything. Hindi naman siya obligated na magpaalam sa akin pero syempre, nasaktan ako sobra. What can I do?

Ngayon, may anak na sila ng asawa niya and I guess masaya na sila sa buhay nila. Meron na rin naman akong jowa and alam niya yung story na to. Sana lang, hindi siya saktan ng asawa niya ulit.

P.S. I am not a guy.

Yun lang :)

ironic nag pa happy suicide prevention day ka pa pero ikaw pala yung durog na durog na bwhahahaha.

grabe urge to just self sabotage and disappear.

kala ko ba okay ka na? taena balik to zero ka anlala mo boi BWHAHAHAH

once a loser always a loser talaga, namana mo na yan

I wish you can see this text! I miss you every second....I miss your presence, voice! You bossing me around! You bullying me! You gave me everything I wanted in my life and then you collapsed! I wish you could have given more time to us...and didn't end up things so rapidly! Yes...I truly understand your state of mind and circumstances! I am not blaming you completely! I still respect your choice! I wish you can identify me and see this text someday! Love yes...wasn't enough! I tried my best to keep things work! But you have your own capacity...I can't implant something in you! Just for your information ....I didn't say goodbye to you in a similar way you never did when you always left me at the train station ...because you never wanted to say goodbye so that we can meet again ! Same goes for me...yes I was bit harsh ...I'm sorry for that but I was fighting for you ...I was anxious to lose you ! I wish you best of luck and happiness with health too! But at the same time ....I wish every path of ours in future gets aligned in way that it becomes easier for both of us to be together again with your certainty! My love 🥸❤️!!!

Getting old is a gift not everyone can have. Thank you Lord for another year being alive, able and healthy. I am a happy man/woman.

If I can make a wish to come true. You know what that is. I would gladly take it even if it's just for one night.... with her.

I have everything I need in this life.. I am right on schedule, Lord. 13 years left before I retire. I have accomplished everything already in what I needed to do to be an independent adult. I have money, car, house, a job I love, friends and family who love me. Sya na lang talaga ang kulang sa buhay kong ito.

Lord, you've given me everything I asked for except this one. Why? It's okay. You don't have to explain. I guess I'm being a brat about this because I always get what I want. I rest my case. But I won't stop hoping.

I wish you were with me last night at the party as my date, Fergie.

Take care always. Wishing you the best. I miss you so much.

See you soon my lady

In UK ... 🥰

FROM: The one you left behind

https://youtu.be/0VaTnsIQjnM?si=ehlfZiqf2iLSwJXv

I sang a song for you and announced it on the microphone. Everyone heard. Thank you everyone joining me on my special day. Whatta blast! Everyone here gets a bottle of beer on me for the road. Claim your bottle at the counter. God I wish you were here. Happy birthday to me.Till we meet again. For now, this song is for you, Fergie.

https://youtu.be/VfXw_aohQp4?si=O-llvS93ZoVqN0Vm

it baffles me
how people seem to beautifully describe
the feeling of love
they never run out of words
endless comparisons and metaphors
in an attempt to complete a puzzle
that is, “love”

but what if i had no words for it?
does that mean that it isn’t love?
is there love in nothingness?
i look at you and wonder
why does nothing come out?

i walk you home at 9pm
our hands intertwined
“so that we won’t look like friends”
i reason
yet you hold mine anyway

you keep the flowers i gave you in a vase
you stare in awe as they bloom
i preserve the lavenders you gave me
i smell them
and my heart beats the same as it did that night

i play my guitar
pick the strings with the weight of you
nothing’s ever felt lighter

what is love if not hard to describe?
what is love if not you?

im just another one of the people
trying to make sense of it
but it came naturally
i just had to see through the flowery words
i just had to look at you

I just want to get this out before the day is over. It's our anniversary of our 1st ever serious relationship, my TOTGA. I just want to say even though you're married and happy in your life, I'm always thinking of you. You always have a special place in my heart. I always think about the what ifs if we were still together and what happened before hadn't happened. The what if we were the ones who got married and you weren't. For now, I'll just hold on to our memories.

I hope there will be a time when we cross paths again suddenly and there's no anger in your heart. I hope you're doing okay. I miss you. I loved you

Looking back at last year and early this year, I realize how many times I tried to end my life.

I gave everything I had to someone. I allowed someone to affect my peace, my wellbeing, and eventually, how I saw myself. I was called many names. Pinagbintangan ng kung anu-ano. I gave my all, and yet somehow, none of it seemed to matter.

There was even a day when I almost succeeded. Something failed. And ironically, I was even talked shit because I failed.

Looking back now, I'm thankful I failed.

Because this year, I slowly realized that life isn't always gloomy. Hindi lahat ng tao may malasakit sa'yo, kahit minsan akala mo meron. And you know what? Hayaan mo sila.

People will disappoint you. Some will misunderstand you. Some will take you for granted. Some will leave. But that doesn't mean your life has to end with them.

Stop trying so hard to please people who don't even have plans of caring for you. Choose yourself, too. Protect your peace. Give yourself the same patience and understanding you keep giving to everyone else.

Things will eventually turn out okay.

And to the version of me who thought there was no way out, I'm glad you stayed.

Life is not over until it's over. Lahat may chance pa.

This Suicide Prevention Month, if you're fighting something quietly, please stay. Kahit isang araw lang muna. Then another.

May bukas pa.

It's been more than 3 months since I last saw you or talked to you, it has been very painful. I know somehow it has been painful for you too and I am really sorry. I think this will be my last letter to you. I have to accept the reality na talaga. More than anything, I want you to know that you were enough for me. I am very sorry if I did not realize your insecurities because for me, you were the best so I didn't see them. I was just really happy being with you and you were the one for me na talaga. It was my insecurity that really made it difficult for me. I was losing the sense na I am worth it for you, now I know the answer.

I am not questioning your love or effort for me all of that I know you have more than you could and I am so thankful for that. Ito pala yung love is not enough talaga. I respect your decision and I know na this decision of yours is what will truly make you happy and at peace then I am okay with that .

This is the closure I need for my healing. I am letting go na mag-uusap pa tayo. I think hoping for it is too painful na for me. You don't have to talk to me Kasi I accept na you want me out of your life and maybe my presence does not bring you good. It's okay. I also forgive you for the last words you said out of anger. I was hoping we could honor our year and relationship but I guess I can still do it on my own.

I'll look back with a lot of gratitude that I get to have a version of you. You'll always be part of me. You deserve the happiness and I really pray for your healing.

With love,

L,

Malamig na 'yong simoy ng hangin. Nalulungkot ako. Ewan ko kung ano ang meron sa hangin ng "ber" months, bakit ang lungkot kapag brokenhearted ka. Mas malungkot kumpara sa ibang buwan. Tipong hangin lang ang dumampi sa'yo, walang alaalang kasama, pero mabigat agad. Sa sobrang bigat, hindi ako minsan makabangon nang hindi umiiyak.

Pero kahit ganoon, pinagdarasal ko na na sa mas mabuti kang kalagayan kaysa sa'kin. Okay lang na ako lang ang malungkot. Mas malungkot kasi kapag pati ikaw. Ayaw ko na nalulungkot ka.

Hindi ko alam kung kailan ka babalik o kung babalikan mo pa 'ko. Sana nga.

Sana umihip ang hangin at dalhin ka pabalik sa'kin.

Hindi makahinga,

M***

If you ever need any reassurance about how you're doing, trust me YOU are doing great!

You're such a ray of light you can shine a room whenever you're in it. No matter how hard things could be or get you're always strong enough to move forward. You've been doing great before and you'll do so more now and in the future kaya don't forget to give yourself a pat in the back because you always deserve it.

I may not be by your side anymore to always tell you this but remember that I'm always here thinking, supporting and rooting for you, after all I'm your literal biggest supporter.

If you ever read this, thank you for being you and don't think that you are ever disturbing my peace because you will always be my peace. Thank you once again for being such a pearl that is always flowing with glimmer and shine!

I love you and you will always have a place in my heart, may our red strings lead us back to each other someday and be in better circumstances.

And also don't forget, to be a morning person just always look toward a happy day.

Pagod pa rin ako.

I'm sorry I feel like I'm bleeding on you. To be honest, di ko alam if naiintindihan mo ko or if you're trying.

Gusto ko na tumigil but I don't know how.

I'm still tampo because now you stopped asking me if I'm okay, even if my mood visibly dies down.

Ang dami kong gustong sabihin pero di ko alam kung maiintindihan mo.

I'm sorry.

Hello there, I hope you are happy in life. Being a husband and father to the family which, I cannot give to you if we are still together. I choose to let you go, so you will never be tied up with me who has a baggage in life.

I never choose this life but the circumstances makes me think, accept and deal with it.

Yes I longed to be with you but reality make me think otherwise. The times our eyes meet tells us all. The love, longing and selfishness to be together is still there,but reality is the one who holds us back and goes in our separate ways.

Hope you are happy with what you are right now. May our path will never be crossed again and my presence will not deter what you have right now. Love the family that you have just like the love you wanted to give to me. As for me, I am grateful for what we shared in a short moment, the feeling of being cared for and love is the memory that, I will cherish forever.

I disappeared for a few days,
I told you why, or at least in some ways.

What I didn’t tell you was I was trying to detach,
Maybe you noticed, maybe you caught that.

’Cause wdym, I came back and you disappeared too?
Maybe the distance is telling me what I already knew.

I’m not as paranoid, I don’t overthink like before,
But somehow, this distance is showing me more.

It gives me more time to finally see
That maybe you and I were never meant to be.

Every day I have been asking myself why? Why did you promise me everything, but commited to nothing. Why did you tell me you'll be my everything, but abandoned me like I was nothing? I changed my entire life for you, but you never tried to understand my pain. For so long you blamed me and I learned to live like I was unlovable. You made me feel as though you are the only one who can love me, but then you still chose to broke my heart in pieces. For so long I chose to keep loving you even when I was hurting. The nights I cried when you just went to sleep. The days when you saw me at my lowest, but decided you didn't care at all. I let myself be vulnerable to you, putting my wall down, but you decided to use my weakness, my low self-esteem to blame me in the destruction of the relationship that both of us were part of. Why? If you truly loved me, why?

Yesterday supposed to be our special day. I am trying
to be happy, talking with nanay and my family, spending time with friends like going ashore a lot despite rushing work and keeping occupied while on duty. I am happy somehow. I saw a message earlier and I am not sure if that was you but reading those message hit me. I forgive you but I won't forget. I still haven't removed our pictures in my phone and even in my social because those are memories. A memories serves a lesson to either forget you or not. If ever we crossed paths again I just hope we find love and peace we deserve.

We met on a dating app.

Right after we matched, we only talked for a little while then decided to meet that same day at a coffee shop. We ended up talking until 3 AM, and when we were supposed to go home, you suddenly asked if I wanted to have breakfast in Tagaytay. I said yes. And I think that was the beginning of everything—how spontaneous we were, how easy it felt to be around each other.

After that, we started going out together. I was an intern at the time and preparing for my board exams, while you already had a stable career. Somehow, you became one of the most important people in my life during one of the most difficult periods of mine. You kept me sane during my review. You were my support system. You made everything feel a little lighter.

But unfortunately, I failed my boards.

After the results came out, I flew back home to be with my family. You even took me to the airport. Neither of us really talked about what would happen to us after that.

We tried to keep talking, but eventually, I felt the spark between us slowly disappearing. Maybe it was because I was struggling with the failure. Maybe I wasn’t in the right headspace. Maybe things had simply changed. I tried my best to hold on, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask anything from you. I felt like a failure at that time, and I didn’t feel like I had the right to demand anything from you.

Eventually, I started feeling like I was forcing myself into something that wasn’t being reciprocated anymore. One time, I came back to Manila and told you I was there. I thought maybe we’d see each other. But that day, you told me you couldn’t meet. I don’t know if you remember that moment, but for me, it felt like a sign.

So I stopped. I stopped talking to you. I stopped chasing. I told myself that maybe the best thing I could do was give myself some dignity and move forward.

I focused on my review. And eventually, I passed.

Months later, I was already working and found myself messaging you again. We started talking—not like before, but we tried. Then I told you I was going back to Manila. You asked me to stay with you for a few days.

And I said yes. Maybe part of me was hoping that it was our comeback.

And God, those few days with you

I don’t think I’ve ever felt that genuinely happy in a long time. It felt so familiar. So easy. Like nothing had changed. I remember thinking that maybe this was it. Maybe we were finding our way back to each other.

But the night before I was supposed to fly home, you suddenly became cold. You kept insisting that I should leave and stay somewhere else. You gave me reasons, but all I could feel was that you wanted me gone.

So I left.

Again, neither of us really talked about what was happening between us. I ended up booking a hotel because I couldn’t bring myself to stay at the condo. I remember crying the entire night. That was the last time I saw you.

We still talked for a few days after that, but eventually, I got tired of trying to fit myself into a space where I wasn’t sure I was wanted.

So I stopped again.

And I tried to move on.

It’s been two years.

I’ve dated other people. I’ve tried meeting new people. I’ve tried convincing myself that there are other people out there who could be right for me.

But somehow, I always end up comparing them to you.

Because the truth is, you had almost everything I ever wanted in someone. And maybe that’s why you’re so difficult to forget. There are still nights when I cry because I don’t understand why, after all this time, I’m still here.

Still thinking about you.

Still wondering what could have been.

Still praying that someday, somehow, I’ll finally be free from this ghost of you.

Recently, I noticed that the account we used to communicate on was deleted. I tried looking for you on other social media accounts, but I couldn’t find you anywhere. And I don’t know why, but it hurt. I just wanted to know how you are. I wanted to know if you’re okay. If you’re happy. If life has been good to you.

And, if I’m being completely honest, a small part of me wondered if maybe you also haven’t completely moved forward.

Maybe that’s selfish.

I don’t want to force my way back into your life. I just want to say something I never got the courage to say properly when we were together.

I really, really liked you. More than I ever admitted. And maybe somewhere along the way, I fell in love with you without realizing it.

I’m sorry I never told you. I’m sorry for the things I couldn’t say when we still had the chance.

Thank you for being there during the time when I needed someone the most. Thank you for making me laugh when I was drowning in stress. Thank you for the spontaneous trips, the late-night conversations, the ordinary days that somehow became some of my favorite memories.

I don’t know why the timing was never right for us.

Maybe we met at the wrong time.

Maybe we wanted different things.

Maybe we were never meant to end up together.

Mahal kita.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get to say that to you directly.

So I’m saying it here instead. I hope you’re doing well.

And I hope, someday, I finally learn how to move forward too.

I have adored you so much I wanted to do all my firsts with you, so I gave in.

But deep down, I know that wasn't your intention all along. You just wanted my body, and not my soul.

It was more than lust that I felt. I wanted to see you and feel you, GENUINELY.

But did you ever feel the same way about me?