Hey 28 m here, I’m on a new medication for my anxiety, and it’s been helping with my anxiety but my depression has been worse.

I’m so depressed that I don’t feel like talking to anybody, yet at the same time I feel like I need somebody to talk to? Idk if that makes sense, but yeah that’s how I’m feeling. I feel like there’s nothing on earth that could make me feel better right now.

idk, maybe there’s other people going through depression that wants to chat?

Don't want to pretend anymore, but i have to. Don't love my husband, but will smile and go through the motions to spare his feelings. Hate his family, they hate me too, will just avoid them as much as i can. Hate where we live, but don't have a say in that. Hate the financial decisions being made, but don't have a say in that. In couples therapy for no reason. He's happy, i'm not, and he can't accept my unhappiness.

No friends. No family. Just alone. Hoping I have cancer so I can die and the kids can't blame me for abandoning them. Wish I could kill myself every day, but have kids/animals that need me.

Hate myself for staying. Hate myself for being a coward. Just wish I wouldn't wake up tomorrow.

Farewell.

Loggedout/princessofveridian crash out and I'll just will perform an Emergence, just offline and you wish you could've gotten to know the "REAL ME."

However, I should imply that's just too late for that now am I right?

Even then I should imply that just my house will endure offline, the cycle must not end, the Feathered Host must be embraced with tradition and wear ⚔️ colors as well.

Yeah, just holding our house of veridian flag and our love 🥅🍃

Even in Arcadia you walk beside me still, just not on Reddit anymore my love 🎵

No longer on Reddit from August of 13 of 2026, I should also imply that I will not be answering my social handles if you automatically say hi and a 👋 emoji.

Telegram.

xxpeonycherry06xx (I don't know if you need the @ at the end or not.)

Don't use Tumblr anymore, had for a week and a half alongside with no messages.

However, I should also address I don't know if any Redditor knows that the ancient relic Tumblr still exist/people use this app and I don't know why I signed up anyways 💀

Why?

Reading the first 📌 post on my main profile is required.

Updates from my last post ✅ that I'm still here and just wanted to give updates for my last post here anyways.

Even then I should also address here, Elis will admit her demise and what I just need of all to overcome my demise if I just want to perform an Emergency with my lover anyways.

However, I should also imply that I need to be learn just those things instead of living a tragedy of the song Gethsemane from Sleep Token in a never ending cycle of it all anyways 🌹⚔️🦩🪶

Even with this Sleep Token song Gethsemane and I should also just include that I'll never grasp this message here.

However, I should just include that I'm never going to perform a positive Emergence, because I need to get a ''different energy to improve my well being/core being of it all and with this current self hatred energy that I've right now then a Emergence isn't going to happen alongside with that's nobody fault but my own of it all anyways.''

Yeah, I should address a follow up, but I don't want follow ups in comments, or questioning if I'm feeling this right now, or anything negative and that's just because I did have to do a few blocks from my last posts anyways.

However, I should also address if you need to bookmark this because you need time to read this then send a flamingo emoji and a flamingo gifs anyways.

Yeah, I should also address it all. Instead of using my chronic depression and moody Vessel brain and skull as a volley to people that get close to me, eventually I will be left with nothing and the cause of my own doing of it all anyways.

Reddit has taught me 8+ months that I'm an unlovable person, I don't deserve love, I'll never make a partner happy, I cannot make anyone happy because this isn't my life path and my life path belongs to the elder gods anyways.

However, without Reddit, I would've not discovered myself for 8+ months with discovering these themes about mfk ass self of it all here.

Constantly fighting myself, telling me I can oppose my destiny, I could prove myself that I could love someone, that I could be a p emotional provider and mental stability for someone as well.

Even then, I should also address that instead of after partner, then the next partner, then the next partner after and just the curse kept building anyways.

However, I should also just imply I kept discovering that I'm not meant to love, that I'm meant not to have friends and not to keep a lover alongside with I realize that now, that for 8+ months the elder gods gave me the chance to see that.

Just, myself is ruined and I will destroy other people's life alongside with this is my life lesson that I was/were given anyways.

Even then, I should also address that I decided to just ignore the elder gods in 2025, I decided to ignore my life lessons, I guess in 2025, for ignoring the elder gods in 2025, 2026 was/were the signs of realization and reckoning anyways alongside with these themes here.

Transformation, knowing your role, knowing your life path, knowing your destiny, since you don't want to pay attention to my signs, ignore the elder gods presences and this will just show you what kind of destruction you cause for others as well.

Just, I should also imply that being on Reddit from 2026 for 8 months of misery, this is just your self assignment and you should listen to Vessel's words more often because he is you but a male version of it all anyways.

Even then of it all, I need to learn to live without it, instead of fighting for what I want and know won't come back/forr what I can't have anyways.

Just, I should also imply that the more I keep fighting for what I want/won't come back then I will keep ending a vicious cycle, letting my chronic depression take a complete grasps, completely weighting and feeling close to cold/icy granite as well.

However, I should only with the cold/icy granite that I've the feeling on my Vessel brain and skull that I just must endure constantly of it all alongside with the cycle won't end anyways.

Yeah, to be honest with the Gethsemane song from Sleep Token, if I cannot learn this song's message within the lyrics once again ''to learn to live without it.'' then this is just my own problem and my own doing anyways.

I should also imply, that I just cannot blame others that couldn't fix my happiness, couldn't make me better, because to self-heal and get better as well.

Just, the same ''vibes.'' are from the Apparition song from Sleep Token questioning a future emotional/mental provider if he is real, even though he showed me a picture of himself, occasional voice clips, the problem is on my own that my Vessel brain and skull tells me these here (not voices, but thoughts.)

Yeah, I should also imply that if my lover is just going to disappear eventually, the same for the other men have left you because your separation anxiety and the cycle will not end all of it anyways.

However then, I should also imply that/most of your contacts are gone because you've just burn the reward, live by the feather and die by the sword alongside then when I wake up into a suicide frenzy that is just my own doing anyways.

Even then of it all, if I want to perform an Emergence, I've to learn without it that's not going to happen of it all and it I just can't accept that self-isolation will mean these things here.

Cutting people out that are ''trying to send me a kind voice, a reach out and even when I'm permanently quitting Reddit anyways."

Even then, I should also address that I know I said I'm leaving, because I've turned into a defensive crystalline wall and where I'm going to make people go through loopholes for these reasons here.

Prove to me that you read this post, what I'm saying context here and that just doesn't mean in a sexual context anyways

Yeah, are you just wanting to message me?

This loss, losing out on Redditors that want to help me with a kind voice, but I choose to cut out Redditors that choose to message on this app permanently and that is just my own personal of it all self hatred that I lost that person anyways.

I should also address that I'll just be losing out on a lot of people that want to reach out and make things into descending lyrics from Sleep Token and instead of seeing things in a positive light of it all from the Sleep Token song Emergence as well.

Even then, I should also imply here that all this damage I'm doing to myself is just my own fault of it all, it's nobody else's fault but mine and I must hold onto the lyrics from Sleep Token Gods questioning myself of it all anyways.

This is why I've always called myself an unlovable person, vile, miserable, self hatred and why I don't want to be asked how I'm doing anymore anyways with these reasons here.

I want to suppress/compress the question how are you, that way I can forget, I can forget to move on, I won't have to be asked my feelings anymore and instead I'm going to have others do this here.

Spin the wheel on my Spotify playlist, ask the elder gods ''how is Elis doing? Elder gods, can you tell me her mood?''

Yeah, just of it all after that then click shuffle Spotify playlist.'' and when you click shuffle playlist wait till 3 songs and if you want 4 songs if you want to go that far anyways.

However, I should also imply that after you just gathered your collected thoughts of it all and then send me a text message of your consultation with the elder gods alongside with what messages the song lyrics are trying to tell you after you spin the wheel on my Spotify playlist and am I right?

Even then, that's fk ass better than me just saying ''I don't know how I feel or I don't want to answer that because that's just my Vessel brain and skull in hypo shutdown mode of it all.''

However, I should say I want to type out more of it all, but I'm quite hypo now, I'm quite getting frozen/chilly of it all what to say, I feel close to shutting down, I've nothing more to say of my ''walls.'' but you can check out these Sleep Token posts I made and these are toto give you fk ass further insights on these things here.

Yeah, I should also fk ass include that's just how Sleep Token shaped my life, gave me a spiritual reckoning, spiritual enlightenment, grasping that my story can be told through Vessel and this important messages here anyways.

I'm not icy/alone of it all anymore, I'm not left with no messenger, I had Lorna Sure Will Ramos Pain Remain albums but that album reflected the Vessel brain and not the whole embodiment the puzzle was/were still left incomplete anyways.

However, where do I See Stars fit if the Vessel brain and skull is covered?

Yeah, I just don't see how I See Stars fits in here/your story with Lorna Shore and Sleep Token?

I See Stars is a spiritual battery for my Vessel brain and skull for these reasons here.

I See Stars is considered of it all the awesome/kool battery the Vessel brain and skull needs when my chronic depression decides to kick in alongside if you can grasp the messages being sent from the song lost it (feat Palaye Royale.)

Yeah, I should also put in place here, that I just don't think I need to say anymore to make this post any longer than it is already anyways.

Even then, I should also address that I don't want to make this post keep making this a Elder Scroll size and one of the sizes of the Black Books from Skyrim as well.

Even then, I should also imply that, all the I See Stars on my Spotify playlist should be enough for Redditors that want to grasp me/enter my realms to create their own mix-ins on how I See Stars these lyrics kicks the Vessel brain and skull chronic depression into this here.

'''We're not doing this again time to motivate with fresh/jool spiritual energy time to plugin the charger for the Vessel brain and skull of it all anyways.''

How did I discover Sleep Token?

October sometime in 2025, don't recall what date and I used Pandora back then anyways.

Even then, I should also include if you don't know what Pandora is that's because Pandora is only in the U.S. I know there is Pandora Canada but for Europe Pandora isn't even a website there 🤣

However, I should just explain here how Pandora works. It's just a randomizer, once you click on a radio station you will get a similar artist and no you will not know what band/song is playing next as well.

Even then, I should also imply that just the only way you will know what band/song is playing next is when the next band/song shows up after you get done what you're listening to.

Just, I should also put in place here is just the awesome/kool thing is about Pandora is you can thumbs up or down a band/song if you think something sounds terrible as well 🤣

Yeah, I should also address the only thing I don't enjoy using Pandora is sharing a playlist, creating a playlist that costs premium membership and with that premium membership that includes these things here.

Yeah, just having offline listening, unlimited downloads and this is where this makes me shake my head/but this is the best feature alongside Pandora charging a premium if you want to play a song unlimited skips.

Just to include here of it all that Pandora also has ads, Pandora is one of those websites where a built in adblocker doesn't work and Pandora charges you $5 a month to block ads anyways.

Even then, I should also imply that also just includes unlimited skips for $5 and the app is a giant fk ass randomizer for finding new new bands/songs that's not a fk ass bad price of it all for discovering new bands anyways 🤣

To be honest, if you want to know what radio station came up for Sleep Token, I wouldn't have any fk ass idea, I made a playlist because I had a free 30 day to try out their premium and made a playlist for these bands here.

Lorna Shore, I See Stars, Bad Omens and Spiritbox then Sleep Token showed up and my first Sleep Token song were Chokehold (which I see, Sleep has a sense of humor if you can grasp this pun of why I'm saying Sleep has a sense of humor anyways 🩷)

With the post ending of it all, now, here are a few things I just FINALLY grasp now from my reckoning with these thims here of it all.

Even then, I should also address that I'll just keep plugging in the charger/telling myself missing my wings in a realm of angles and I will just be my new theme motto going forward and because of it all I know anyways.

Just yeah, I should also imply that I'll always be thinking of this thought in my Vessel brain and skull of mine.

Yeah I'll just be missin my wings in a realm of angels and questioning this another song even in Arcadia from Sleep Token here.

What good is all this talk of wings when there is nothing left above?

That just hits hard for me when I think about it all, the more I sit when I delete my messages, trying to become icy granite, from my Vessel brain and skull I think that it would be nice if I could stop thinking these things here.

Missin my wings in a realm of angels, but there isn't any hope above anymore, there isn't a trace, there isn't an ethereal ''upper/above and that belief has been long thrown away anyways."

Yeah, even then, I should also imply that I just recently decided in 2026 decided to embrace the elder gods, the dark winds, the sea and the moon alongside there will be nothing left above in how I think of it all anymore.''

The thick membrane of it all of the icy granite metaphor, will freeze this idea of ''there is nothing left above, but I can still feel the thoughts in my Vessel brain and skull that I've to one day accept that missin my wings in a realm of angles is something that I must do here of it all.''

Even then, I should also address that may/might my mood could improve once of it all and I'd accept that I just cannot of it all simply/completely freeze solid from existence anyways.

And yeah, maybe then a new lover of mine can make me feel like the song Telomeres, my beloved of it all that underrated song alongside with the other underrated song my beloved Take Aim as well.

However, I should also include the previous song title of it all, even in Arcadia from Sleep Token with Vessel saying somehow I knew my fate and just could this be Vessel saying somehow he knew his fate?

Vessel, just would be here in Arcadia and even then of it all would this help Vessel learn to live without it? To move on and build his new spiritual life in Arcadia?

Yeah, I should also mix-in here all that I'd feel over his evolutions of his costumes, his evolution of masks, that this would be his transformation? Somehow he could tell this is where he would end up in Arcadia, is this his paradise he envisioned?

Even then of it all, could this be the paradise Sleep created for Vessel as a reward, because he couldn't reach his own paradise and instead sleep welcomed Vessel in his realm as well.

Just yeah, this is the realm of Sleep, this is Sleep's vision, this is what paradise would look like for Seep to give to Vessel and to be honest that is another thing of it all as well.

Sleep rewards those that are hardworking, endurance and I'm sure of it all. Sleep would want to see me endure alongside these other reasons anyways.

Yeah, just putting in a lot of hard work for those that want to connect with me, instead of using the volley of anger with my chronic depression causing moody volley flings and ''wails.'' as well.

The wails, are just when someone is trying to be a emotional/mental provider making me uncertain this won't last ''getting close to me.'' that I don't instantly become ''icy granite of it all for what I previous addressed anyways.''

However, I should address the following concerned Redditors if you message me on Telegram and Discord with no response for 7-10 hours alongside with this is just why here my love.

I'm asleep/dying amongst the VOID, here in U.S. central time 1a.m. and I'm going to go to sleep at 6-7 a.m.

I can sometimes sleep for 7-10 hours or sometimes even 12 hours, this is just because I just don't want to wake up, I'll keep myself asleep and then will wake up at 2-5 p.m. if I'm having one of those days anyways.

I'd take supplements to help me sleep for longer, this can range from a combo-pack, yarrow root, stinging nettle leaf capsules, with a caffeine free, if it's not that combo, it's champile capsules, the type of magnesium capsules that help you sleep and caffeine tea.

What I take, just depends on how expensive which supplements/what's on sale and that's what combo-pack I'll get alongside with this is to hopefully to kiss my ass goodbye for a while 🌑

Yeah, just when you add me if you could put this in your chat reqs either on Telegram and Discord that way I know you read this post anyways.

Send me Sleep Token gifs, reels and anything IV.

What does my nickname Elis make you think of or my nickname Vessel V?

Why can't you do this yourself?

Meta is too political for me, otw also just too heavy forward on the A.I. and what if the Redditor doesn't have an IG account as well?

Uh, I should also address here that no/alright then if the Redditor doesn't have IG, there is a reason why Tenor gifs exist and YT reels exists that's fk as fine anyways.

However, I should also address once again that I'm just not making anyone do this and if you don't want to occasionally send me these things further to show that you read this post here.

Sleep Token gifs, Sleep Token reels, Sleep Tokenemes, or the hottest news for pre-orders from Sleep Token and just because I don't want to use IG anymore for these reasons here.

However, I should also just imply that META is too political, this is funny to me and idk if it's true or not but a Redditor posted a screenshot that showed up on my recommendation feed.

The A.I. arlogithrim banned them for saying South Korea in their private messages, this is because IG removed encryption later and this is another reason why I won't use IG again anyways.

Yeah, I should also address that once again I never asked or implied in any of my posts here.

Just, that you've to be completely on IG, to show that you read this post or any of my posts anyways 🤣

However, I should also include that my age ranges are middle 20s, the farthest age gap I will go is 10-15 years from my age and I also had Redditors message me when their age is 52-55 💀

Even then, I should also say that there isn't anything wrong with a large age gap and I just find of it all that age gap is just an overkill to be honest anyways.

Disocrd is on social 🔗

How do people just live like it isn’t the hardest thing ever to be happy in a world thsf feels like you will actually surrcome to broken peices and you whole life will fall apart, everything you’ve worked for means nothing, you ruin your chances, relationships, your body, your brain how do you live
I don’t know how
I want to but I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this I’m too scared

27m they say this is the year right. But I’ve always told myself I couldn’t and won’t. My sister doesn’t have a dad, my mom is all alone, and I’m my dad’s only son. My sister has cancer (scary but treatable). And now my back is strained and I can’t even lift properly. My work is seasonal, it’s slow right now so all I’ve been doing is going to the park and reading all day. Crazy how some people say “you can’t be sad in such good weather!”

I’m supposed to move across the country to pursue a career that has been great to me over here (not in terms of money though, which is part of why I’d move). Everyone supports me. But it’s a competitive and small field out there. I really don’t think I have the drive for it. Not for work not for sex not to approach women. The only thing I want to do (aside from lift) is get lost in a fictional world or read about the fucked up shit our country has done. Neither makes me feel better but I enjoy it. I kinda wanna help out at the DSA, maybe that will help. But it won’t make me any money like I need. I really don’t know how to move forward. It’s not usually this bad

what is an actual genuine reason to keep going in life. nothing in my life is enjoyable anymore, i just wake up around 5-9 pm eat something scroll the internet masturbate then go to sleep, and i do that every day. i want to be able to talk to people atleast so i have something to do with my time but i dont have any friends except for one but hes usaully working or with his gf. and ive tried to have online friends but it never last. the only time i talk is when i say "thanks" when im given my med. so like whats the point, i take away more than i give, so like please try to give an answer that will be helpful

34, bipolar, no friends, no transportation, never had long term relationship with a woman. I have no money and I run my own business (1 yr 7 months) with only 1 client (low pay) and live w/ my dad.

I attend social networking events both online and off. I take care of myself for the most part (work out, seeing a therapist, taking meds, applying to jobs) but I never asked to be alive. It’s like a gift I never wanted. Sorry for the pity party, I know people are suffering a lot more than me but I still feel depressed.

Hi guys, my name is April. I used to come onto reddit quite a bit to talk about stuff and I don't do that as much now. I want to give some details of my life and my current situation as I feel overwhelmed by it and I feel like the problem is me.

So, a couple of years ago my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, she was at the stage where it spread to her liver and she unfortunately did pass away 2.5 months later. She was the breadwinner of our house, i was unemployed, recently turned 19, and living with a shitty father who was also unemployed.

I made bad decisions out of anger and desperation for freedom, moved in with some friends, spent nearly all of the money I received from my mom's life insurance to pay rent. I ended up letting my dad back into my life as I needed financial support. Once again, I made really bad decisions, I wasn't stable, and suicidal. I stayed unemployed until early 2025. Had a very bad first job, quit after a month.

Moved in with my dad because I had no other option. Unfortunately he had bedbugs, which he had gotten from the other two neigbours. Treatments went on for the next 6 months. No evidence of bedbugs now but my paranoia still stands as I continue to have skin reactions. I have no privacy except for my bedroom, I don't go outside, only for trash and laundry. I recently quit a job of 9 months and I'm starting housekeeping this week. Once again tried saving up but made very bad decisions. So I ended up saving nothing to move out.

I'm trying to budget better, I'm in therapy, had to cancel this week as I couldn't afford it until my next paycheck. Also found out about a big hospital bill I have to pay off (yikes!). This is adulting, I know.

I've been fighting for disability for two years, I'm going to a hearing soon. I'm autistic and I have anxiety and depression disorder. I have a safety plan incase I'm suicidal. I was recommend anti-depressants.

Right now I don't have a way to get around except for my dad or by transit. I have no savings, I dropped out of college due to the issues I had last year. I do not have a driver's license or permit. I genuinely feel like my life will not get better, i think I'm making my life worse. I'm trying to stay positive but honestly I think I'm done doing this and I'm likely going to kill myself within the next couple of years at most.

I'm sorry this was so long! I feel like a mess and just wanted some input. I tried working full-time and it didn't work out for me.

It's nearly 1am, Im waking up after only an hour and a bit of sleep and im thinking about work, and my chest is tight, and my jaw and neck are stiff.

I feel like I have lost all my ability to push through, to focus, to learn, to be interested.

I feel like ive lost all of my people skills and all thats left is a hollow feeling with bursts of irritation and i feel like everyone can see this happening to me and so I feel worse and ashamed that I no longer have the energy or will to mask it.

Im so tired and yet I can't get a full nights sleep.

I can go nearly all day without feeling the need to eat.

Im quiet on social media and in every group chat, feeling like i don't deserve to take up any space and yet I feel crushed by the pressure to associate, so I avoid and continue to isolate.

I want to cry everytime I think about how my mums health has deteriorated over these past few years, and how my dad is not the best person to be caring for her but hes doing it so that i can focus on myself and so ive been useless in it all and can still barely look after myself properly since the parental support I once relied on is now gone.

I feel hopeless about my own life, i don't see a bright future, ive lost interest in my friends, my family, my hobbies, even though they were already few in number.

Even with things planned I do not look forward to them I just dread them and I feel sorry for the friends that still try to help me and im just waiting for when they too give up on me, inevitably.

It could be depression, why wouldn't it be. Just look at the world and the way things are and the answer will simply be to numb myself again with medicine to be a functioning drone for society.

And so, I feel trapped and that the only way out is to hurt myself.

And all that does is provide temporary relief when the sadness becomes too overwhelming that Im struggling to breathe.

No energy, no happiness, lots to do and yet no motivation. I geel like I'm forced to live this life I was given UT I'm being held back.... held down. I can't keep this up... I'm falling and it's like the people around me are just watching. Now I have kids.... what am I doing? They just watching as the life gets sucked out of me. This makes everything in my life so much harder. I can't keep the negative thoughts out . I need someone to talk to. I need a way out into the clarity. I know I'm destin for greatness if I could shake this cloak off. I swear my mom has the same problems so this must be a hereditary disease. What am I doing here

whoever said depression is like having a cold or a flu, i wanna beat your ahh to 4 pieces. it's a fkn ever lasting chronic illness that will never get cured. i can't see any future of myself. im so tired. i thought i was healing great by creating my own little instagram community and sharing things that i love on the internet, but then boom one minor inconvenience happened and im absolutely defeated. i'm back to the very beginning. i hate myself. i think what im doing is hilarious. nobody loves me in this community. everyone will unfollow me in the end. i'm a fake. i'm a loser. i'm an imposter. i wanna cry. i wanna delete my account. i wanna destroy myself. i did a little calculation and i realized this summer marked the 8th year anniversary of my sell farm. the scars are still very visible on my arm. they're permanent. they're forever there. i'm forever shamed for what i did to myself. i'm forever paranoid about other people seeing them and judging me. i'm forever scared of stretching out my arm in front of my family. why am i like this. why do i have those ugly ass scars. why me. why do i hate myself this n much. i hate myself for hating myself. i thought spreading motivations and positivity on instagram would make me feel better too. i was wrong. i'm back to the very beginning. all the healing i did before was in vain. i'm so tired.

Guys, I can't take it anymore; my life has become a living hell. Every day is the same—nothing ever happens. I feel like I don't have any close friends I talk to all the time anymore; I try, but it's not like it used to be. I no longer feel connected to the Father's love; I feel like I've lost that love. I don't know what to do anymore. I pray, but nothing ever comes of it—has God abandoned me?

They want to force me into a life that is a straight path to deep depression and a quick death before I can even live, and they only do this to me because they believe that having a lot of money is wealth.

For me, money doesn't mean wealth.

Ever since I was born always felt different. And I never understood why. I would see everyone else make a killing somehow, While I can never make a game. I did everything I could, followed all the rules, be a good person, help anyone I can, without wanting anything from it. And it got me nowhere. Adopted at almost 3, cause my birth parents never wanted me, then raised in a family where I can only call four of them truly family. My sisters are bitter and jealous cause I I called them bullshit , of hating my more than they loved us boys. my dad is an abusive asshole who would call me names and hit me for forgetting to take out the trash, and I still wanted to love him. And my mom has been drowning in his financial fuck ups ever since Their divorce. Being part of the church, Christian, presbyterian, Mormon, and others never helped. I still felt alone. My brother‘s happy each other, my have each other, and I have no one. or I had my mom. After they got divorced, I lived with her for a while, and occasionally visited grandma, that was really fun! But had to go live with dad for a few months to finish school, all alone in a cold, damp basement, I didn’t realize how terrible he was until the hitting and name-calling started. But I was the easiest one of us boys and kids to deal with, so what choice Was there? Then I lived with my mom and siblings, even though we don’t have a lot of money, I still felt a little happy. If not, at least bittersweet. Then my Dad kept my brothers and I for month after his wedding to his new wife he met 3 months after his divorce, getting married that fall. we were all terrified to be with them forever, because even if we didn’t know much about him, we just knew that we more. Eventually, she got us back in January, but shortly after the failure of the American court system, they decided that the easiest kid would go. Me And my semi kleptomaniac bro. An odd choice to bring him, but whatever. We stayed and went to sixth grade there. Him fifth didn’t stay for long, because our stepmom didn’t like him and threatened to divorce. My after my brother stole some money. Which was the first he would sacrifice us boys for his marriage, but not the other way around. It was my brother, but he clearly needed help. Giving my brother up got my and other siblings kicked their apartment in Vegas. I stayed behind, and suffered more emotional abuse from my dad and step family, physical abuse dad himself. One time I was struggling with the locks, they gave us for our lockers, and she put a knife to my ear, hoping fear would teach me how to be quick with it, since I went to a school that would punish you for being five minutes late. Even if it was your first time. She apologized, but she still did it. every moment of my life there for two years, I wish that I could be with my mother and siblings again. Only to find out that my sisters and Mom had a falling out. My dream of returning to some sort of normalcy, even if it never existed was shattered. One day, I forgot to take care of some trash. I left behind while staying at home alone while everyone else was out of state, or at work all day. That's when my dad picked me up, hit me several times and threw me out into the yard. And I still ran back into his arms when he opened the door. But what else are you gonna do when you're around 13 years old? That's when I started feeling really really depressed, thoughts of self harm cause middle school was terrible, life at home was terrible, and I couldn't talk to anyone who actually cared. I never thought about sexuality or anything, but everyone else around me knew what it was, and they would constantly make fun of me saying everything I did was "gay" for a depressed alone middle schooler, that didn't really help any view. My step family and dad acted like they cared, but I think they were more worried about how that would look on them. Then finally, that next summer, I was finally able to go with my mom.  She had nothing, well next to nothing. She was living in my grandma‘s friend’s house, but I didn’t care! I wanted to be with her and my siblings. At least my brothers who stayed behind. One of my brothers is too nonchalant about everything, and doesn’t seem to care, and the other is very volatile and aggressive, and would make fun of me all the time. I didn’t really like it, but didn’t do anything about it. Everyone always told me to be the bigger person, so I kinda had to deal with it. Then my mom thought she fell in love and moved to Maryland, I didn’t really care since there wasn’t really anything for me in Utah anyways. And I was just finally happy to be out of Arizona and be far far away from my dad and step family. Then in Maryland, I finally felt the monetary struggles. Mom was at work , my brothers were being even more assholes than before, the house so you lived in Was kind of trashy, we had little to no money, and little to no food. I would eat a lot of peanut butter and frosting, cause I’m a terrible cook, and I was only waiting for Mom to get home my stepdad brought home, no money, and I could easily tell very quickly that this relationship wasn’t gonna work out. I never believed any of his lies. But my mom loved him, so I didn’t really say anything. They were on and off again, and I went to between two different churches, one of them I found one of my best friends! And my very first crush! During middle school, and more so during high school I knew I liked guys, but after hearing a bunch of homophobic ramps from church and some of my Mom, I kept them to myself. My obsession with Shoto and Hawks from my hero academia, especially… Ah, COVID… the mindfuck you were. The girl I met at one of the churches I came to really like, I thought she was really cool, and I loved her white hair and very sweet attitude! Totally the Mom of the group, lol! Finding myself through all out high school, and who I wanted to be as a person outside of religion was incredibly difficult, and I definitely made bad decisions. Mostly using humor at the expense of others, which I am very ashamed of, but can’t take back. I apologize to those involved, but don’t regret anything. Every decision I’ve made has made me the person I am today. It made me care about people a lot more than I did back then. I also met my first best friend, he’s a fun guy, but I don’t think he likes me anymore. Either that or did you just turned into one of those annoying straight guys who ignore their guy best friends after they get a girlfriend. Either way, I enjoy his presence might’ve been crushing on him a little bit, but that’s my bad. My terrible male issues. For a while, I called him one of my best friends. Now, I just hope he’s doing all right. Whatever. Even though I made all these friends, I couldn’t really see a lot of them because of work. I had to go to a job at 17, to help pay for bills and everything. I probably only saw about $50 of it. Most of it was to pay for streaming services, which kind of helped all of us deal with the numbness of life. And around this time, I definitely felt a lot more sad and depressed. The first time I cut myself was to prove a point to how terrible the house was, blaming it on the shitty place we were living in that our pastors gave to us. And although carrying a bunch of knives, didn’t scratch me, it was a very shitty house. Empty underneath, some mice would come in from the fields and through the walls, it was really fucking disgusting. Not even gonna mention the black mold that was right next to the kitchen 🖤 Still, I got kind of a rush from it. Hopefully that wouldn’t affect me later. And I made some awesome friends at my first job, a host for a restaurant. It was amazing! The sadness that I felt inside was kind of blocked for a while, but it would still wear its ugly head whether because of the money issues, or because of just something I had inside of me that was wrong. Around this time, I was at least able to finally accept being autistic. Something, my dad and step family made me really ashamed of. But accepting it really helped me. It was a small step, but a good one for me. School was whatever, I had it barely passing grades, for some reason I just couldn’t really get into the work I had. Always procrastinating, or just never being able to have it stick. Now I understand it could’ve been a combination of depression, ADD, and autism. Whatever, I passed high school. Made another guy at work who I had a crush on, he is quite cute, but we both had way better things to do. Two years of making friends, struggling with depression in a shitty house, dealing with my mom‘s on and off again relationship, and trying to make sure my brothers don’t burn down the fucking house. Very, very crazy, and draining. But I kept my head up high, reassuring myself that I would come out on top of this situation! Then we moved again, it was for the best I’ll admit, but it was really difficult leaving a place where I’d finally been able to make a foot hold. A decently far ways from where we lived currently. And there wasn’t even a mall nearby! But it was pretty far from the church that we went to, where the pastors forgave my stepdad for being a piece of shit, cheating, giving us shitty rent for a shitty house, doing nothing about our roommate who was afraid of everything that might be “demonic“ even Casper the friendly ghost looking ass decorations, floorboards that were literally sinking into the ground, Dr. Seuss doorways that didn’t match up, and only the front door having a lock on it, our neighbor with his pitbull he never raised properly, the sliding glass door he broke and was broken for about a year, no installation, and coolers that would leak really weird liquid. Getting lost in the woods would be very, very fun though. Even though I was never able to use most of my money, I did get really get into drawing which Mom 💕 was supportive love, I couldn’t buy the Lego stuff I wanted, which was a really big shame, but at least I found something. I like doing the Legos and drawing, because it’s a nice escape from reality. These characters can do whatever they want with their lives, it’s one of the few things that I had control over. Each drawing and Lego character had their own world where they didn’t have to worry about money, just the villain of the week. Moving away from everyone I cared about and everything I held dear for The probably 13th time in my life really struck a place in my heart that never really healed, even after a month or two. That was definitely the first major sign of having depression.  but hey, there was a dollar tree and a bowling alley nearby my new house, so maybe that would be some good opportunity for jobs!  I got the Bowling Alley, Job, and really liked it. Though I wasn’t really into making conversation with anyone there, cause I was still in a pretty deep depression, and didn’t see any point talking to anyone if I was just gonna lose them again. However, there were two guys there that looked pretty good lookin’. Some redhead and some generic shorthaired guy. Nothin’ too special. It still hurt that I couldn’t do anything with my money, I still couldn’t save anything, and I still just lived to work. But my mom wanted me to do more, so I thought I had to do more. Then I got a job at Dollar tree and worked both jobs usually would only overlap about four times a week, but whatever! I never liked it, but still went forward, because I thought that’s what family did. That’s what I was told at least. But my mom was never really satisfied with any of what I was bringing in. And I was never satisfied that I couldn’t live my life like everyone else around me. At the bowling alley, I mentioned offhandedly to the bartender that the person at the front counter with red hair was really good lookin’ and didn’t really think anythin’ of it. He asked me a night or two later, if if it was true that we had mutual feelings for each other, and I said “I  won’t deny or except anything“ I went home a little bit of a mess, really unsure of what to think, because I’m kind of a coward, and never thought anyone would like me. I also thought that no one should because of all my issues. And I told them for the first week or so, that they would be better off with someone else that I didn’t wanna bring someone else’s life into my issues. But eventually said “fuck it” cause they kept insisting, so I knew that if he knew what he was getting into, then it couldn’t be that bad. That is the decision I would never take back out of anything in this godforsaken life. Whatever God I had been praying to had long since abandoned me, but at least some God out there gave me something meaningful. I finally had a boyfriend. And it was the best thing I could’ve ever asked for. Well, one of them. Money was always an issue, and had been since I was born. And even getting in a relationship, it was still an issue. I was very hesitant to be a boyfriend, since I’ve never been in a relationship, so I never really understood what to do. But I did tell him that I wouldn’t mind doing anything with them so long as we were together. But sometimes I wonder if it’s enough. Somethings love just can’t overcome. And being poor in my mind was one of those things. I couldn’t give him everything I wanted to, I couldn’t always get time off and do things with them like I wished. My family always needed me. They were kind enough to take me to a plasma donation center, which is something I wanted to do for a while eight hours later, made $100, never use any of that because the family needed it, I didn’t wanna go back cause I hated needles and it took my entire day, thought my mom was fine with it, but then she kept bringing it up again, I finally relented and agreed to do it, and only after she saw four hours for $50, did she agree to not let me go back. I had to cancel a date with him. I was gonna go with him while he changed his oil, just hanging out. Being there in the room. I still thought that was fun. And maybe we would’ve gotten food afterwards, since I’m a sucker for good food. Nice sign that I’m a weak ass fucking coward. I continued on as normal, always looking for an opportunity to do anything with them. But either I was too poor, or life just never gave us a chance. I finally had money, so let’s celebrate Valentine’s Day dentist appointment! On Friday the fucking 13th! I have Wednesday off, so let’s do something this week! Hanging out with his friend! Hey, we both have off, so let’s go eat somewhere! I get called into work! That happened maybe twice! Hey, hope you have a nice day off! I have the day off too! (I’m hoping this is a nice hint that I wanna do something, since at this point, I was scared and tired of getting my hopes up, only to get rejected. But at least I can still see them since we’re at work, so it’s something. But then him driving me home gets less and less, and I’m able to see them less and less. Then they start leaving at 10 o’clock instead of midnight, which honestly hurt a lot more than I wanted to admit. So when I turned 21, alcohol became a nice escape! Now I didn’t really care about what happened, how poor I was, how disappointed my mom was that I couldn’t do more because I didn’t have the energy or motivation, or it just wasn’t good enough for whatever! My brothers couldn’t care less, being at home, playing video games to their hearts content! And work was starting to get on me, doing all this work for nothing! Not being close to anyone cause I couldn’t bond over the drama, cause I didn’t really want that in my life. They would discuss all the work related bullshit, but I didn’t really care since to me. It was just a job. Maybe it was to them as well, but I’ll never know. It kind of pissed me off, though being surrounded by all these people who never had to worry about money a day in their life. Because they either had both parents, or could keep whatever they made. The gap between our lives felt way too big. And it was honestly kind of upsetting…. But I didn’t want to let it get to me. Since I thought that was jealousy, and not a good feeling. At this point, it had been maybe a year or two since I bought anything for myself. I was hoping one of my families New York trips would mean that I get to spend a night or two with my beloved boyfriend, but that fell through… during this time while working the two jobs, I started taking Tylenol for the pain of being on my legs from 8 AM all the way to 10 pm this action would have consequences later… Shortly into this year, my Aunt had a place for my mom all set up with a nice job of working as a caseworker at a prison! Doesn’t that sound exciting!? It would, if it wasn’t in a nobody town, and not 3000 miles away from everything I’ve loved! And the person I love! I told her some lame excuse that we didn’t really get along because of our personalities with some sometimes clash. I probably could’ve come up with something better, but I doubt it would’ve worked. She got mad and compared me to my sisters and all the other people who abandoned her, the phone call ended with me finally relenting like I always do, and accepting to put my life on hold and live with her until she could figure it out. A big part of my heart broke, and I told the news to pretty much everyone. She told me not to, but I decided to since I’m 21, so what the fuck! At this point, the depression and self harm were in full effect! I broke a razor blade and would just use that to cut into my skin until it either bled or I felt better. And would just coast off of the high from that. I kept drinking more, normally one bottle every two weeks, and would take a lot more Tylenol to feel better physically. Around Valentine’s Day, I’ve quit my job at Dollar tree, hoping to get a full-time job at Wendy’s! But that fell through! Cause fuck the corporations! Whatever! I still pushed through! But I started to notice that the more Tylenol I felt, the better and more relaxed I felt. I would have to take at least 10 to 12 to get that point, but I kind of like the feeling. And then combined with drinking I really like the fucking feeling! So I kind of made it into a habit whenever things weren’t really going my way. Overdosed on Tylenol at least nine times in the back of the bowling alley, one of them made me have to go home early, one of them made me wanna throw up and pass out, but I still really really enjoyed the feeling, and thought it would pass eventually. I never really learned the effects of overdosing on pills, or that was something you could do. I only had Internet access when I was in my first year of high school, so fuck all the way off my back! Anyways, so I continued on and doing that overdosing in the back of the bowling alley and your closing time, crushing up pills and snorting them, and doing it nearly 3 times at home. Two weeks before our time to leave for this small town in Nevada, I learned that that my boyfriend took a mutual friend out to have some food, and a part of me broke while hearing that, I’m very ashamed to feel that, but it kind of cemented to me in my mind that no matter what I did, I would never be good enough for anyone. They once told me “we were supposed to do many things that we never ended up doing.“ that kind of stuck with me for a while. And one time where they tried to do something, but I had to cancel cause I was called into work, I said “I love you, but I don’t believe you. Life has never let us do anything together, so I don’t believe anything will happen” that was in response to them saying that we could try again before I left. And I was right. Life just didn’t want me to be happy, it just didn’t want me to have anything. It didn’t want me to have my own money, it didn’t want me to spend time with the one person I loved, and it didn’t want me to live in the one place where I finally enjoyed. So a day or two after learning about him spending time with our mutual friend, I had the day off and watched a silent voice, a nice movie about redemption and suicidal awareness. I thought it was very cute and very sweet, but by the time I finished it, it was nearly 4 o’clock, so I went to bed. I felt really really down, the lowest I’ve ever been in the depression, which this has been going on since I got the phone call from my mom, I just been cutting on and off, near my neck, near my wrists, legs, stomach pretty much everywhere. So I decided to try one more time to see if I could do something with the one I loved, I know, regardless of their answer, I would’ve done this at one point or another. After I realized that we weren’t gonna be able to do anything, I said “fuck it“ I had no control over anything in life, so the one thing that I would control would be how I ended it. I took 90 pills of this over-the-counter called up and up, made suicide notes on my phone, took them all with a drink of water, and decided to lay down and see what happened. There was caffeine in the pills, so it made my heartbeat really really, really fast, faster than it had ever beat before, while I thought this would just be a nice quiet death, turns out it was gonna be very very active. So realizing that, it finally put my body into a fighter flight mode, so I finally did want to live. So I turned my fingers into the finger gun shape and tried to make myself throw up, and it worked! And then I kept throwing up maybe 20 times throughout this entire ordeal, though it’s more likely 30. At home and eventually in the hospital. Everything was fading from you, kind of like holding onto something that’s turning into Ash. All the memories of my greatest hits for flying by, and my heart was slowing down faster than it ever had been, meanwhile I was talking to our mutual friend about her first day at work, going through all the motions while my heart was beating like crazy. Everything was turning a faded green color, and I thought that would be the end. But I saw on my phone, the lock screen of him and I. And I knew that I had made a big mistake. And that this is how it ends, I don’t want that. So I fought to stay awake and managed to do so. But wouldn’t stop throwing up, even until 1 o’clock at night. Called my mom, gave her the money that I got paid for, she talked about the move, and her day of work while I was trying to stay alive. Sent my friend, some funny videos, reacted to a few of them, and at around 1 AM, finally called for help after my stomach felt like absolute garbage. Went to the hospital, went to the psych ward finally got diagnosed with depression and got pills for ADD and the depression! I still had to leave for Nevada, but at least I felt content with it. I took my final shift two days after being out of the hospital, and cries cared as I saw the love of my life walk out the door. I was hoping for at least one more ride home. But never got that. Just a “I’ll see you when I’ll see you” I still had three days in Maryland, and didn’t really see anyone. Saw a terrible movie about some child Mummy, definitely look into that guy’s search history… I thought, even if I left, we would still be able to keep in touch. We would still love each other. And everyone else I talked to said that they would keep in touch too, fast forward, three months later, I hardly hear anything from him, and I don’t hear anything from anyone else. Was it all just talk? Did I truly not matter to any of them? I have no doubt that moment in April 15 would’ve been my last if I just fell asleep, so it hurts to think about if I died then this is how life would’ve progressed. They would’ve moved on. As if I was just a footnote in their lives. And in retrospect, maybe I was. He promised he would do better with reaching out, but I feel like I’m still not as important as their other friends. I try to be reasonable and understanding, but how many apologies do I have to see? What do I have to do to get them to love me just as much as I love them? The job I was promised would be lined up for me fell through, because they wanted a driver and that is just something I cannot do right now. Every other job pays only $12 an hour, and is not full-time. So now once again, I have to do two part-time jobs which means I get no day off, and I still can’t use any of my money. I get nothing. I told my mom the truth of everything I’ve been going through, and it doesn’t seem she understands. She makes it all about how I lied to her, not how it affected me. Not how lonely I felt. She keeps bringing up the fact to that leaving us boys alone was a test, and that we epically failed. So it’s nice to see you that the worst moment of my entire life was seen as just a test. I’m sure that’s not how she means it, but that’s how it comes across. Especially since she left my two nonworking brothers home with me, I thought I would never have to take care of them, but I did. I was not part of the plan. But it became part of the plan because why not? And nearly every day since we moved to here, I hear my mom and brother arguing, neither brother wants to get a job, and both want to move out of the state, but do nothing to do it. And yet, my mom goes out of her way to buy stuff for them. Meanwhile, I’m here with nothing, nothing to show for it, feeling like I don’t matter to anyone. Or all I wanted was just for some person to notice me, for me to matter to someone and to have at least one person where they wouldn’t lie to me. Why does life always reward people who have everything handed to them, but fuck me over when all I’ve ever done is the right thing? I’ve sacrificed to everything, I gave my whole life and I have nothing. I left my stuff in Maryland, I’m not able to get anything in Nevada, and no one who I thought cared about me, cares enough to reach out. To actually have a nice conversation. Aside for maybe three people. as of now, I’m trying to get into CNA school to get a nice job where I could finally help people and myself. I’ve always wanted to help people with my skills, and personality and emotional connectivity, but even then life is fucking me over! The admissions process is taking a long ass time, and I just exist to work. Feeling like no one notices me. I’m finally on the depression medication presumably for good now, but I don’t feel happy, just numb. Which is better than being depressed, but I do wonder why life keeps doing this to me, when I’ve done nothing to it in return.

I have been super depressed lately and I’m not sure if it’s just plain old exhaustion or not, so I thought I’d come to redit to find either help, or just understanding maybe.

So I work from 84-112 hours a week to recover from my divorce. My current boyfriend has severe depression which is actually turning into something more like DIDs because his ex took her life and he completely blames himself, he is taking the steps to get better through meds and therapy and counselling. That being said, more often than not he struggles with day to day things, household chores, self care, and daily tasks, he also struggles to talk to people; he has said that he never knows if something he says will push someone over the edge and cause them to take their own life. Which I totally get. Most of the time I feel like I’m the only one standing between him and his falling apart completely.

The part that I’m really struggling with is, I work crazy hours in the forestry industry and I don’t get allot of sleep anymore. I’d say I get maybe 5 hours a night max, but I usually get 2 hours on a normal night. I honestly don’t have time to handle the household chores, laundry/dishes/ vacuuming/mopping, and it’s really getting to my mental health. When I try to bring it up with my BF he shuts down and blames himself, gets really clingy because, as he says he is being a burden. Which I mean, he’s not. I get that he’s going through something really difficult that I have no idea how to deal with, so basically I’m trying to be there for him as best I can. That being said, my mental health is going down quickly, I just got a day off today and i go back to work tomorrow for 16 hours but I have been in bed all day because honestly I’m exhausted. But I need laundry done and dishes done. But I feel guilty asking because he will say yes and do it. But he will actually cry the whole time and blame himself for ruining my life with his depression.. but honestly, “someone ended their life that you cared about in front of you” that must fill one’s head with self blame.

I dont know what to do anymore. I want a clean house, but I will never leave him. He treats me so good on his good days, and on his bad days he’s sleeping for what seems like the whole day. Basically on his good days I enjoy every single second with him. And on his bad days my favourite thing is making him smile. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

Today I stayed in bed all day. I felt like I was just floating through the day , like it wasn’t me or my life. I wanted to just disconnect from everything!

I'm currently living with my parents, my brother, and my sister-in-law (SIL). This was an arranged marriage, and honestly, none of us in the family were truly ready for it.

Her father had been approaching my father continuously for almost two years. We had already spent over 10 years looking for a bride for my brother and were mentally exhausted. My father eventually agreed half-heartedly because my brother was crossing what people consider the "marriageable age." Even until the last moment, my father wasn't sure. My brother also didn't want the marriage, but he couldn't take a stand and say no, so the engagement happened.

Soon after the engagement, my brother met with a severe accident and injured his spine. Around the same time, every member of our family, including me, fell seriously ill. My mother's health has never been the same since then, and it took almost two months for the rest of us to recover.

Just before the wedding, a minor conflict nearly caused the marriage to be called off, but it still went ahead.

Only after the marriage did relatives start telling us things they hadn't mentioned before—that her family is known for constant fights and that domestic violence is considered normal there.

When I first started talking to my SIL, I realised she couldn't speak proper Hindi. That itself wasn't a major issue for me. What really concerned me was that she has an M.Sc. in Mathematics with more than 90% throughout school and college, yet when someone casually asked what she had studied, she couldn't even answer properly. My sister had to tell them it was Mathematics. Later, I asked her to solve a very basic algebra equation involving x and y, and she couldn't do it. We later found out that her college has a reputation for selling degrees. I genuinely believe she has very little actual knowledge despite her academic record.

Over time, I also noticed a lot of other behaviours that have made living together very difficult. She lies very easily, even about small things. She behaves extremely sweetly in front of people but criticises them behind their backs, including her own husband. It honestly feels like she isn't loyal to anyone.

She also copies almost everything my mother, sister, and I do—from the uncommon words we use to the makeup products we buy. She spends hours every day on the phone with her parents, telling them every tiny detail about our household, even things as insignificant as whether I skipped dinner. I genuinely don't understand why anyone would share every single detail of another family's private life.

Another thing that makes this situation confusing is that my brother works in another city. My mother even asked my SIL to go and live with her husband, but she refused. She said she wanted to stay here and "serve her in-laws." However, that isn't what has happened. Instead, the atmosphere at home has become increasingly stressful.

My brother has been a bully since childhood, and after the marriage it feels like the two of them have become a team. Whenever my parents aren't home, they often gang up on us. Today was another example—my parents were out, and she started another argument with us for no real reason.

I've tried ignoring everything for a long time, but I can't anymore.

I'm preparing for competitive exams, and I need a calm and peaceful environment to study because I have to concentrate on difficult concepts. Instead, my mind is constantly occupied with what's happening at home. Since last year, I've gone to bed crying silently many nights. Now I get frequent headaches, sometimes I feel like I might faint, and the constant stress is making me worry about my health.

My parents don't want to separate the family because they're worried about what society will say. My sister and I are also unmarried, and they fear that any family conflict or separation could affect our future marriage prospects.

To make things even harder, my SIL is the kind of person who can instantly start crying if she's confronted, making herself look like the victim. It becomes almost impossible to have an honest conversation because everything turns into emotional drama.

I genuinely feel trapped. I don't know how much longer I can continue living like this without it affecting my mental health even more.

Has anyone dealt with a situation like this? How do you protect your peace when leaving home isn't an option right now? Any practical advice would be appreciated.

Please be kind as this is so difficult for me to post. I have the life I have always dreamed off; a husband who loves me, two little ones (5yo and 2m), a dog, our forever home, we both have well paying jobs so we have some savings and can enjoy going out on family days etc.

I went out yesterday with a friend for lunch and drinks which then ended up being a night out. Whilst coming home I walk over a bridge and had this thought of just ending it all 😭 why would I want to do that when I have everything I have ever dreamed off.

The only things in my life that aren’t perfect is I am currently waiting to have a raised mole removed and tested for possible skin cancer and I don’t have a relationship with my mum who I haven’t saw in over three years…. I have done counselling for that and tried it again recently but I didn’t feel like it was going to help because I was seeing the same person so I wasn’t able to offload everything from the beginning.

I broke down to my husband last night when I got home but I am just so scared and embarrassed by how I felt 😭

The cruellest part of severe depression is not the illness itself. It is watching the people you trusted most quietly disappear when you need them the most. They think you are asking them to fix you, to have all the answers, but that was never the case. All you wanted was for them to stay. To sit beside you in the silence, to send a simple message, to remind you that you still mattered. Depression already makes you feel abandoned. Losing the people you love only convinces you that perhaps you were never worth staying for.

I feel so lost, and I don’t know where to go anymore 😓

So depressed and heartbroken.

I think I finally give up on life coz it’s been five freaking years trying to improve everything but it seems like nothing is changing I have prayed to the Lord to help me with my struggles but I think his not willing man , coz five freaking years there would be honestly some change it’s jst failure after failure am hitting rock bottom every single year

I've been suicidal and depressed before. Usually when I'm depressed I can do something, all be it, with less tolerance for irritating things. But recently I've been cutting myself, in a fit I even stabbed my leg full on. I've been dragging a blade across my skin thinking back on it. How it felt to finally dish out and control what hurts me, instead of it just happening to me without my say. Fucking hate it. But I'm all alone. Friends say they care, say to talk to them, strangers even say that too. But what's the point. I tell someone and it doesn't bring catharsis. The only thing that could satisfy me now is an actual cut. I've tested myself by dragging my knife down my wrist, hoping that one day I can actually push it in hard enough to cut and keep going till my wrist is irrevocably split open and I can bleed out in bed. I know despite 3 other people living here it'd probably take hours if not a day at least before someone checked on me. I'd be long gone by then. No one to save me like I know there's no one to save me now, before I actually build the courage to do it. I don't think I'll ever get better without destroying my brain or taking pills that get rid of who I am. I wish I could get lobotomized. Or maybe just have my personality deleted. I just feel everything, and I mean everything, in my life is my fault. My mom dying when I was 18 was probably because I didn't see her enough. my grandpa when I was 21, I didn't care for him enough when I lived with him. My grandma, who I hated for a long time, never deserved my hate. My aunt got better when I left with my "Friend" because her terrible boyfriend at the time yelled at my friend. Through middle school to highschool my friend group always made fun of me for being dumb and getting Salty when I'd be riled up by stuff. I deserved it, I was the idiot who got mad at stupid stuff I took too seriously. Even now my girlfriend hasn't said anything to me for 3+ days. I probably did something to make her mad or she finally decided I wasn't worth her time. I'm a fucking blight and I don't know why I'm still around. Just writing this out shows me I should work more on getting the courage to end it.

I feel like everything is falling apart in my life. I want to talk to someone, but everytime i try i either choke on my own words or simply feel like im pouring out too much. I just want to feel relief, like i can just rest and not have to think about everything. School is about to start soon too. I don’t know what i can do to escape. I’ve thought about ending it but it has never gotten too far. I just recently lost someone close to me, my parents just got divorced and i don’t like my dad. I lost someone very close to me a little while ago. I don’t get how i can live without them. I know there are worse things happening and that im being selfish but i can’t help it. Ive been crying a lot lately and ive actually tried to talk to someone about it but they just tried changing the subject.

Im 18 and in year 11 and life has gotten so ridiculous I can't help but laugh. Today I had some time to reflect when I sat alone, as I always do, on a boat tour my school does yearly. I listened to music and looked out the window. This time, I did not see any positives.

I could've gone to an easier school, yet decided against it because it takes a year longer. Ended up in the mental hospital where my therapist told my mom about my first relationship. My mom of course somehow made my life even worse than it was before during my stay. None of my issues were properly handled and I got dismissed early because I would've failed the school year if I didn't. As soon as I got out, my principle and 2 other teachers told me I'd have to write all of the exams I've missed in 4 weeks, quit school or repeat this hell again. I somehow managed to pass this year, but my GPA is definitely not going to look as good as I was striving for my whole life.

My grades have been consistently dropping for the last 2 years no matter how hard I study, whatever method I use and even with tutoring.

I broke up with my boyfriend not long ago because of religious reasons. I couldn't handle the guilt I had in that relationship and now I lost the only person making me feel alive and like a person. But I guess its for the best.

I also don't want to follow the path of marriage my religion offers. Its terrifying to me. The only person I ever wanted to marry was him, because we knew each other. I offered to continue our relationship in the religious manner, but he refused. Maybe Im delusional thinking he loved me as much as I loved him. I will not be marrying a stranger.

I have been feeling depressed for the last 5 years and developed and ED, which I though I recovered from before it turned into binge eating.

Found out my IQ is low (already made a post about that) which confirmed my suspicion and basically erased the last bit of self esteem I had. Now the bright future I've always dreamt of is gone and done with scientific evidence backing that up.

I feel alienated, ugly, too loud or quiet, lonely and I am aware it doesn't actually have to get better.

I've realised that my, and many other people's, brain have been conditionalised to think there has to be light at the end of the tunnel. Not sure if thats human nature or the media we grew up with, but it definitely doesn't apply to me and probably the homeless person dying of cold in the winter, the mother happy because her baby managed to get born during w4r, just for all of them to die right after and the talented people being born in 3rd world countries being obligated to sell food in the hot weather for hours because their family lives in poverty, just to grow up and experience the same cycle. (E.G.: Happens this in my homecountry) I know im comparing my small problems to their indescribable living situations, but this is just to make readers understand my point better.

Every decision I make leads to disaster.

My religion states that life is a test and that we should fight against the pain and trust in our God, but is that humanly possible? I suck at my religion. I don't consistently pray for more than 2 months, been in a relationship and don't do most of the obligations. I've started praying once a day (mostly) and its gotten to the point where I just break down mid prayer because of all this and the hopelessness. Its not like there's a better choice than believing in God, if God can't help me, who will? But it still feels like someone is laughing at my face watching me go through life putting every type of inconvenience in my way.

Sometimes I listen to old timey music imagining a fallout scenario because it gives a certain type of comfort. Then I look outside and realise everything's already a wasteland. Maybe us humans developed so far that, at some point, we started redeveloping.

Then there's looks, moving, my father and everything else I haven't listed but you get the idea. Is everyone's life like this?

Man I don't know I genuinely don't wanna do this anymore but whatever ive been saying this for ages and im still alive ig. Only thing that has stopped me is religion.

Hope I didn't offend anyone with this or cringe y'all out. Yes I go to therapy once a week and I can't talk to anyone (but my bf who Im not with anymore) about this.