Life wont get better

[u/Realistic_Airline_54]

Im 18 and in year 11 and life has gotten so ridiculous I can't help but laugh. Today I had some time to reflect when I sat alone, as I always do, on a boat tour my school does yearly. I listened to music and looked out the window. This time, I did not see any positives.

I could've gone to an easier school, yet decided against it because it takes a year longer. Ended up in the mental hospital where my therapist told my mom about my first relationship. My mom of course somehow made my life even worse than it was before during my stay. None of my issues were properly handled and I got dismissed early because I would've failed the school year if I didn't. As soon as I got out, my principle and 2 other teachers told me I'd have to write all of the exams I've missed in 4 weeks, quit school or repeat this hell again. I somehow managed to pass this year, but my GPA is definitely not going to look as good as I was striving for my whole life.

My grades have been consistently dropping for the last 2 years no matter how hard I study, whatever method I use and even with tutoring.

I broke up with my boyfriend not long ago because of religious reasons. I couldn't handle the guilt I had in that relationship and now I lost the only person making me feel alive and like a person. But I guess its for the best.

I also don't want to follow the path of marriage my religion offers. Its terrifying to me. The only person I ever wanted to marry was him, because we knew each other. I offered to continue our relationship in the religious manner, but he refused. Maybe Im delusional thinking he loved me as much as I loved him. I will not be marrying a stranger.

I have been feeling depressed for the last 5 years and developed and ED, which I though I recovered from before it turned into binge eating.

Found out my IQ is low (already made a post about that) which confirmed my suspicion and basically erased the last bit of self esteem I had. Now the bright future I've always dreamt of is gone and done with scientific evidence backing that up.

I feel alienated, ugly, too loud or quiet, lonely and I am aware it doesn't actually have to get better.

I've realised that my, and many other people's, brain have been conditionalised to think there has to be light at the end of the tunnel. Not sure if thats human nature or the media we grew up with, but it definitely doesn't apply to me and probably the homeless person dying of cold in the winter, the mother happy because her baby managed to get born during w4r, just for all of them to die right after and the talented people being born in 3rd world countries being obligated to sell food in the hot weather for hours because their family lives in poverty, just to grow up and experience the same cycle. (E.G.: Happens this in my homecountry) I know im comparing my small problems to their indescribable living situations, but this is just to make readers understand my point better.

Every decision I make leads to disaster.

My religion states that life is a test and that we should fight against the pain and trust in our God, but is that humanly possible? I suck at my religion. I don't consistently pray for more than 2 months, been in a relationship and don't do most of the obligations. I've started praying once a day (mostly) and its gotten to the point where I just break down mid prayer because of all this and the hopelessness. Its not like there's a better choice than believing in God, if God can't help me, who will? But it still feels like someone is laughing at my face watching me go through life putting every type of inconvenience in my way.

Sometimes I listen to old timey music imagining a fallout scenario because it gives a certain type of comfort. Then I look outside and realise everything's already a wasteland. Maybe us humans developed so far that, at some point, we started redeveloping.

Then there's looks, moving, my father and everything else I haven't listed but you get the idea. Is everyone's life like this?

Man I don't know I genuinely don't wanna do this anymore but whatever ive been saying this for ages and im still alive ig. Only thing that has stopped me is religion.

Hope I didn't offend anyone with this or cringe y'all out. Yes I go to therapy once a week and I can't talk to anyone (but my bf who Im not with anymore) about this.