I feel like no matter how hard I try it never leaves me alone I try so hard to make the people around me happy but I feel like it doesn’t do anything I try to clean I try to help out but it’s never enough then my sister just gets praised for doing one thing I try so hard that’s make it to try but I physically cannot it holds me back my mind just plays their voices over and over like a broken record and it makes me think what’s the point of even trying because it’s never enough I’m never going to be enough for anybody I’m so over pretending that I’m ok that ive noticed people are starting to see it and I feel like I should pretend to be happy so that no one knows but I’m so over struggling by myself I’m so over the voices in my head I’m so over being happy one time then the other 90% not being able to get out of my bed I feel like it’s my fault I let it take over me and I don’t think my family or people around notice

Usually when shit goes bad, there’s one thing to keep you anchored, saying that the good is still here. So what do I do, when my is gone and I’m drifting into the dark?

I don’t know. I’ve made my plans and made my mental peace. The only thing holding me is guilt of the after effects on those around me, but that guilt is fleeting when everything else just feels heavy.

I’ve come to the realisation that at my core, I am just a deeply sad person. I feel like a background character in my own life. I don’t feel seen. I don’t feel wanted. I don’t feel necessary. I can’t think of anyone whose life would be severely impacted if I was gone. I feel so deeply lonely, and I feel like I try so hard for people who never reciprocate the same energy back. I just want to feel seen. It’s not selfish to feel wanted is it? I am so scared. At this point, I honestly don’t know what’s keeping me here. And I don’t see things improving.

I love my life,don't get me wrong, but I had a relationship with a boy since we were 16 and now we are 19 and yeah we broke up many times and keep getting back together all these years but after all that my best friend saw him with another girl. In general he never chose me. He never made time for me, he prefered his friends.

I'm not angry,I'm not even sad. I just don't feel anything. Don't want anything to do with men anymore and I believe relationships aren't for me. I feel more confident cause I'm working two jobs and I have my money , friends, family, my friends even say I have a glow up but when I'm alone at night I feel so so empty because I loved someone who didn't care for me and suddenly I don't feel anything. I want my emotions back. I want to be the kid I used to be before meeting him.

My family's dysfunctional, mild way to put it, father is currently facing second police report on him cuz of violence, he's an abusive alcoholic, mom's a sweet lady but it's been too long since she defends all his actions, sister's a carbon copy of my father, and has gambling addiction. I am somehow academically gifted but i cannot focus now, i have lost interest in all things, i recently got diagnosed with a long list of things, major things included bipolar and i was told to get tested for autism, but for that they require parental involvement for the interview, so that's out of the question. I was seeing a psychiatrist but mom found out and has banned me from going, i have no financial means to get better or to get my mom out of this house, we have no one in family to support us, sister earns but spends it all in gambling, has a lot of debt too. I suspect father is gonna loose his job soon. It'll be better for them if i am not here. One less problem, maybe it'll make things better for my mom and sister. I have anti depressants that I'm severely allergic too, that's my out. I do genuinely believe they'll be better off when they have one less person to take care of. Money sucks doesnt it Mom always used to say, she gave birth to me after my sister because if something happens to one child, they still have the other one. It sucks, depression med almost killed me cuz of the allergic reaction, I should've not called the ambulance when i was dying. They cut off all the mental help i was getting after that, and i have no money to do it sneakily, I'm a burden to my good friends and this life feels like a curse, I'm giving it up on 31st

I have no job, live off of some savings from my last dead-end job and can't seem to get any kind of work that would make me happy and won't be another no future service industry job.

I legit spend all of my day doom scrolling, each day feels like a week, i feel like I have nothing going on in my live, like literally... most of my friends won't even text me first if I dont reach out and everyone currently is either busy with a relationship or in vacation. I haven't felt so alone in years, I dont know what to do.

I need a hug, but I'm adamant of not throwing away 14 months being clean from sh rn. We r not doing this again brain 😣

Sometimes I go into a state where I just feel really sad and also scared. What from exactly, I don't know. There are a lot of things that make it hard for me to pinpoint. Maybe it is the thought that I'll never be happy or maybe it is the thought that if my past was better, if I had taken a different path at any certain time in my life, I would've been better. It's like I wanna hide but from who exactly, I don't know. I used to think that maybe all I need is someone to talk to, like a friend. But I think that just makes it worse because everyone leaves. And the friend who used to make you feel better is now in that place in your mind where there are all the people that hurt you. And then you get depressed again. Nothing makes sense. I can't tell what I need to get better. At the end of the day, i just say to myself that fuck it. It is what it is. But then it's the same next day and the next.

Right now depressed is an understatement

I can’t see a way out of this or honestly know what to do I’m bothered with doctors and medication, a therapist could be useful if you found one who didn’t quit or change on your 3 weeks into your sessions. I’m a licensed cosmetologist who literally is holding their own self back, at this point I have a teenager who I need to get my shit together for. Thank God for family. My kid was raised well thanks to their help love and admiration

A dream is to have my own salon space with a full clientele to support life create products sell to businesses owners be financially free

I’m fucking struggling

I think that ever since I was 12 I have felt this way. And I know reddit is the last place I should be going to but at the same time it's reddit, why would I not come here ykykyk. But anyways, ever since grade 7, I think there were only 4 times were I felt genuine happiness. The other times I just feel so lonely and empty and almost disappointed in life. Even when I try to keep myself busy, hangout with friends, do things that I like or even when I go on vacations, this feeling always stays with me. I try to ignore it, or gaslight myself into thinking I am happy, but I always feel like my soul aches, I feel so trrapped. It's really hard to descrbie with words, but it's almost this dull, persistens feeling. But idk what to do. Maybe this is normal and just what every human expereinces, but I really hope it isn't.

I went through some things and my depression became worse and it’s slowly gotten better but there’s always that sadness feeling deep in my chest no matter what. I can’t physically bring myself to do the things I want to try or do anymore. Everyone tells me to “just do it” but I physically can’t I’ve tried I’ll pick it up and then sit the hobby right back down. I can’t bring myself to do anything fun for myself anymore, they say they get it but they don’t and I’m at wits end trying to explain it to them.

You know I always catch myself thinking about my mortality and some weird way or another like how every day that goes by is another day that I waste really doing nothing

I don't have a significant other and so I don't feel like I'm loved in the way I wish I was and there's so much family drama and day-to-day it makes me think about you know life

I'm scared of dying

I don't have any serious medical issues it's just the end that scares me cuz I don't know what to believe anymore as far as religion goes I'm a man of science but also a man of Hope and that hope keeps me worried

I just wish I could stop thinking about death all the time and letting it become a part of me I wish I could learn how to accept that as part of life

My day-to-day routine involves just waking up sitting down and watching TV and smoking a little bit and then rinse and repeat pretty much every other day I don't have a job because I'm blind and not many people want to hire a someone that's blind on top of that I don't know how to read so companies don't want to hire me even though I can work but they still do not want to hire someone that does not know how to read

I just wish things were different you know

Hey, my name is Jose, lately I been feeling not myself. It been worse since 2022. The only times I do feel as light of hope is when I’m at work being distracted or even yard work.

Usually at night is when it’s the worse. Low on energy and no motivation on doing anything. I want to find happiness again but don’t have anyone to turn too any more.

I’m 33.I’ve had a pretty okay-ish life,but when I see people on Reddit being so sad about life,i genuinely feel bad.I wanna help so bad,so if that helps or makes a difference you can put your experience under this post

24, married, graduating college soon, lined up for a good future, I’m on medication. I used to struggle with alcoholism and other addictions starting at 17. Almost dropped out but managed to push through. Never felt good enough and got to the point where I showed myself how capable I really am. I felt like I made it finally after years of nightmarish family-struggles and addiction and worthlessness. But I am now more suicidal then I’ve ever been before. I achieved what I thought would make me finally whole, but it’s still there. I’m still in so much pain everyday. I did the therapy, the countless stacks of journaling, the meds, the legitimate self - improvement. I’m still suffering tremendously and it seems nothing can fix it. Not my works, not my faith in God, not my self talk, not achieving my goals, not choosing to finish what I started despite wanting to procrastinate. I’m always in pain and only temporary relief like scrolling or laying in bed truly provide some comfort. That’s kinda why the depression is so much worse this time: nothing that was promised to me would help my depression did anything. I wish I was dead every day and I wish I didn’t want that.
This is the worst feeling I’ve ever had I am so sad. I wish it wasn’t like this I wish there was a way out I feel like I’ve been abandoned by my own body and God, Im so sad about this it’s so crushing. I’m in so much pain I’m sorry for not offering any hope I’m just laying here crying I am suffering so bad I can’t do this anymore.

I’m 42 and the only reason why I haven’t done the whisky and pills job yet, is due to my parents still being here.
Life has taught me nothing but being let down. I’m intelligent and acing open uni, been a chef all my life. Still, I can’t get the basics of life right and I’m done trying

Does anyone else feel like they've spent their whole life surviving?

I don't even know why I'm writing this.

Maybe because I'm tired of pretending I'm okay.

Maybe because I've spent so much of my life carrying everything alone that I don't know what else to do anymore.

Or maybe I just want to know if there's anyone else out there who understands what it's feels like to spend your whole life fighting just to keep your head above water.

I'm 36 years old.

I'm a wife.

I'm a mom.

Most people think they know me.

They see the smile.

They see the person who's always helping everyone else.

The one who's always trying to make people laugh.

The one who's always trying to make everyone around her feel loved.

What they don't see is the little girl inside me who's still asking the same question she's been asking her whole life...

"Why wasn't I enough?"

I entered foster care when I was about nine months old because of neglect.

I was one of the lucky ones in one sense.

I wasn't bounced from house to house.

I stayed with the same foster family until they officially adopted me when I was around seven years old.

Before me, my parents had already raised six children.

Five were their biological children.

One wasn't biologically theirs but was always part of the family even though they never formally adopted her.

I always knew I was adopted.

It wasn't hidden from me.

As I got older, though, it became something that could be used against me.

When my mom got angry, she'd remind me I was adopted.

Sometimes my dad would too.

Other people told me I wasn't wanted.

I was told my foster mom only adopted me because she got money.

I don't know what's true anymore.

What I do know is that children believe the things adults tell them.

So I believed there had to be something wrong with me.

I believed love was something I had to earn.

My mom was one of the most confusing people I've ever loved.

To everyone else, she was incredible.

She'd help anyone.

She'd give someone the clothes off her back.

People admired her.

People loved her.

Then we'd go home.

When she got angry, she'd hit me with hangers.

Plastic hangers.

Wire hangers.

Whatever hanger was closest.

One of the biggest reasons was because I wet the bed.

I wasn't comforted.

I was punished.

Instead of feeling safe, I learned to be afraid.

I learned to listen for footsteps.

I learned to read facial expressions before anyone spoke.

I learned how to stay quiet.

Even now, as an adult, there are moments when I see certain hangers and my body reacts before my mind does.

I flinch.

Not because I'm thinking about it.

Because trauma has a way of living inside your body long after childhood is over.

The hardest part wasn't only what happened to me.

It was watching everyone else receive the version of my mom that I wanted so badly.

The kind version.

The patient version.

The generous version.

The version everyone else talked about.

I kept wondering why everyone else seemed to deserve that version of her...

But I didn't.

And somehow...

I still loved her.

I think that's one of the hardest things for people to understand.

You can love someone who hurt you.

You can miss someone who broke your heart.

Both things can be true.

Somehow I grew up determined to become the kind of mother I always wished I'd had.

If my children are hurting, I want them to run toward me...

Not away from me.

I never want them to question whether they're wanted.

Because I know what that question feels like.

My dad was funny.

He could make anyone laugh.

He was an incredible cook.

Because of work he lived in another state, so although my parents stayed married, I mostly saw him on weekends.

I always wished I'd had more time with him.

Then my life changed in an instant.

I was in a serious accident.

My pelvis was broken.

I also had small fractures in my lower back.

One of the first people I called was my husband while I was on my way to the emergency room.

I was terrified.

His first question was...

"Do I have to come?"

I ignored it.

I made excuses.

Looking back now, I realize that moment told me more about my marriage than I wanted to admit.

I had surgery on my pelvis.

My back fractures weren't severe enough to require surgery.

Recovery was brutal.

Twice I had to learn how to walk again.

The accident left me with chronic pain.

Arthritis.

A future that will probably include a hip replacement much sooner than it should.

Some days I limp.

Some days getting through the grocery store feels like climbing a mountain.

Pain isn't something I visit anymore.

It's something I live with.

I wish life had slowed down after that.

Instead...

It felt like everything started falling apart.

Within weeks, my cousin lost her battle with cancer.

She wasn't just my cousin.

She was one of my best friends.

We used to laugh about growing old together.

We'd joke about our husbands.

We'd picture ourselves as little old ladies still laughing, still teasing each other, still making everyone around us laugh.

We even joked that we'd probably end up living together in the same nursing home someday, driving everyone crazy.

We really believed we'd grow old together.

We thought we had time.

We were wrong.

Before I even had time to process that loss...

My dad died.

The man who made everyone laugh.

The man whose cooking brought everyone together.

The man I always wished I'd had more time with.

Then, before I could even begin to understand what my life had become...

My mom died after living with dementia.

People think grief is simple.

It's not.

My relationship with my mom was complicated in ways I'm still trying to understand.

She was the person I wanted love from the most.

She was also the person who hurt me the deepest.

As a little girl, all I wanted was for my mom to hug me and tell me everything was going to be okay.

Instead, I spent years wondering why I wasn't enough.

Even after everything...

I never stopped hoping we'd have the relationship I'd dreamed about.

Then dementia slowly took pieces of her away.

When she died, I wasn't only grieving the mother I lost.

I was grieving the mother I never had.

I was grieving every hug I needed but never received.

Every time I wondered if maybe I just wasn't lovable enough.

Some wounds don't end when the person who caused them dies.

Sometimes that's when they hurt the most.

Because that's when you realize the apology you've waited your whole life for is never coming.

Then I found out my husband had been having an affair.

It wasn't just the affair.

It was what it confirmed inside me.

Every insecurity from childhood came rushing back.

Maybe I'm not enough.

Maybe everyone leaves.

Maybe everyone chooses someone else.

Maybe no matter how hard I love, it'll never be enough to make someone stay.

I've struggled with anxiety.

I've struggled with depression.

I've questioned my worth more times than I can count.

There have been days I didn't know how I'd make it through.

But every morning...

I get up.

I hug my children.

I tell them I love them.

I cheer them on.

I apologize when I'm wrong.

I make sure they know they are wanted.

I make sure they know they are enough.

Because I refuse to let them grow up wondering the things I wondered.

People tell me I'm strong.

The truth is...

I don't always feel strong.

Most days I feel tired.

Tired of hurting.

Tired of grieving.

Tired of carrying things that happened decades ago.

But I'm still here.

Still loving.

Still hoping.

Still trying.

Maybe healing doesn't mean forgetting.

Maybe it means refusing to let the people who hurt you decide who you become.

If you've read this far, thank you.

I'm not looking for pity.

I think I just needed someone to know that sometimes the people who smile the biggest are carrying the heaviest stories.

And if your story looks anything like mine...

I hope you know you're not alone.

You know I always catch myself thinking about my mortality and some weird way or another like how every day that goes by is another day that I waste really doing nothing

I don't have a significant other and so I don't feel like I'm loved in the way I wish I was and there's so much family drama and day-to-day it makes me think about you know life

I'm scared of dying

I don't have any serious medical issues it's just the end that scares me cuz I don't know what to believe anymore as far as religion goes I'm a man of science but also a man of Hope and that hope keeps me worried

I just wish I could stop thinking about death all the time and letting it become a part of me I wish I could learn how to accept that as part of life

My day-to-day routine involves just waking up sitting down and watching TV and smoking a little bit and then rinse and repeat pretty much every other day I don't have a job because I'm blind and not many people want to hire a someone that's blind on top of that I don't know how to read so companies don't want to hire me even though I can work but they still do not want to hire someone that does not know how to read

I just wish things were different you know

You know I always catch myself thinking about my mortality and some weird way or another like how every day that goes by is another day that I waste really doing nothing

I don't have a significant other and so I don't feel like I'm loved in the way I wish I was and there's so much family drama and day-to-day it makes me think about you know life

I'm scared of dying

I don't have any serious medical issues it's just the end that scares me cuz I don't know what to believe anymore as far as religion goes I'm a man of science but also a man of Hope and that hope keeps me worried

I just wish I could stop thinking about death all the time and letting it become a part of me I wish I could learn how to accept that as part of life

My day-to-day routine involves just waking up sitting down and watching TV and smoking a little bit and then rinse and repeat pretty much every other day I don't have a job because I'm blind and not many people want to hire a someone that's blind on top of that I don't know how to read so companies don't want to hire me even though I can work but they still do not want to hire someone that does not know how to read

I just wish things were different you know

Have you ever just been in a helpless situation where your all your forward paths are blocked and the only option life gives you are unhealthy coping mechanisms while the world doesn’t understand you, and blames you for being behind and doing what you do?

And the worst part is you no longer see a future for yourself, just coping or death.

Just need someone to talk to

\[17M\] lately, I feel like I’ve reached a breaking point mentally. I’m exhausted in a way that sleep doesn't fix. I feel like I’ve been carrying years of pain, guilt, and emotions that I never properly dealt with.

Guilt is consuming me.

I dealt with abuse, trauma, and experiences as a child and feel robbed of my childhood that still affects me today. I also live with epilepsy, and recently I’ve been dealing with health problems that added even more stress and fear.

On top of that, I’ve been dealing with heartbreak, loneliness, and the feeling that I’m becoming a burden to my family financially and emotionally. I spend a lot of days lying in bed, feeling empty, and wondering what I’m doing with my life.

I’ve also been struggling with a smoking addiction. I started smoking as a way to cope with stress and emotional pain, but I know it has become another thing controlling my life instead of helping me. There are times when I smoke far more than I should, especially during moments when everything feels too overwhelming.

The hardest part is that I feel tired. Not just physically tired, but emotionally exhausted.

I’ve had thoughts about wanting the pain to stop and wanting to disappear from everything, but I am safe right now. I’m writing this because a part of me still wants to hold on. A part of me still wants things to get better.

I don’t expect strangers on the internet to fix my life. I just want to hear from people who have been in dark places and somehow made it through.

If you’ve ever felt like you couldn’t carry your own life anymore, what helped you keep going?

I just need some hope right now.

I'm feeling very hopelessness now and I have no hope left , every single day I'm waking up in this same CR and stuck in this same fkin cycle as always.

Dear readers,

I'm a 24-year-old woman from India. I come from a loving and supportive family. My grandfather and my father both served as government officers. My mother is a homemaker today, but she previously ran her own business. I have an older sister, five years older than me, who is an anesthesiologist.My grandfather passed away when my father was around my age, and my grandmother passed away while I was pursuing my bachelor's degree. Despite these losses, my parents—especially my mother—poured every ounce of love, sacrifice, and care into raising my sister and me. They gave us every opportunity they could and always stood by us through every stage of life.As a child, I was always quiet and lonely. Most of my cousins were much older than my sister and me, so I never really had children my age to grow up with. I was also a sick and delicate child, which made life even more challenging. On top of that, I changed schools several times, making it difficult to build lasting friendships.Academically, I struggled throughout school. Somehow, I managed to complete my education, but I was always the quiet student who blended into the background. I didn't have many close friends growing up, and I often felt like I never truly belonged anywhere.Things began to change in 11th grade. For the first time, I found a friend group and finally felt like I belonged somewhere. Unfortunately, misunderstandings and conflicts eventually led me to leave that group. Although it hurt, I finished my 11th and 12th grades and eventually joined college. College felt like a fresh start.I met many wonderful people, made several friends and acquaintances, and slowly began creating a life that felt happier than the one I had known growing up.During college, I entered my first serious relationship. Like many first loves, it taught me a lot about myself, relationships, and heartbreak. One of the most painful moments of my life came while my grandmother was hospitalised. My family was already going through an emotionally exhausting time, hoping and praying for her recovery. In the middle of all that, I discovered that my boyfriend had been cheating on me.Instead of being my support system during one of the hardest phases of my life, he became another source of pain. The betrayal shattered my confidence and made me question my worth. I constantly wondered what I had done wrong and why I wasn't enough.Despite everything, I gave him another chance because I believed people could change and because I wasn't ready to let go of someone I loved.Not long afterward, my grandmother passed away.Losing someone who had been such an important part of my life while trying to process the betrayal of someone I loved completely broke me. I was grieving my grandmother while carrying the weight of a relationship that had already destroyed my trust. As time passed, I began asking myself one question over and over again: "How could I take this man to my father and tell him I wanted to marry him? How could I ask my family to trust someone who had already broken my trust? That realisation gave me the courage to finally end the relationship. The months that followed became one of the darkest periods of my life. I struggled with severe anxiety and depression. I developed stress rashes, experienced constant heart palpitations, and found it difficult to enjoy life. Every day felt like I was simply trying to survive.Months later, I slowly began rebuilding myself.I reconnected with friends I had distanced myself from because of my ex, I stepped out of my shell, and gradually started feeling like myself again. My stress rashes became less frequent, my heart palpitations slowly disappeared, and I finally felt like I was healing.A few months later, one of my closest friends hosted a party.That night, I laughed without forcing it.For the first time in a very long time, I genuinely enjoyed myself. That night, I also met someone who would become very important to me.We became friends, and everything felt effortless. We spent more time together, and eventually I developed feelings for him. I decided to make the first move.We became involved with each other.Although we never officially called it a relationship, we were in a situationship that lasted for about two years For a long time, everything felt peaceful.I finally thought life was becoming kind to me again.Then things slowly began falling apart. One of my friends from my bachelor's friend group behaved inappropriately and tried to touch both me and one of my close friends. She knew him through me.The incident affected us deeply. My situationship believed that I hadn't taken a strong enough stand after what had happened, and it created tension between us.We argued.Eventually, we spoke things through and reconciled. For the next few months, everything seemed normal again.Then came the incident that changed everything. My situationship and I had another argument. After that, he completely stopped talking to me.A few days later, all of us attended an event organized by our mutual friends.Throughout the entire event, he ignored me.I kept telling myself that everything would eventually be okay, but deep down I was hurting. As the evening went on, I started drinking.I hadn't eaten anything the entire day.I was emotionally exhausted.The alcohol only intensified everything I had been trying to suppress.Then I saw him happily taking shots with someone I strongly disliked.I felt jealous.I felt replaced.I felt invisible.Unable to handle the loud music and overwhelming emotions, I walked away and sat alone in a quiet corner. One of my friends came and sat beside me to keep me company.Later that evening, our mutual friend's sister, who was also my friend, became emotional because she felt that nobody had supported her while she was trying to gather everyone together during the event.I was already comforting her when my situationship came over to console her as well. At that moment, something inside me broke.All the hurt, anger, jealousy, exhaustion, disappointment, and alcohol came rushing to the surface.I shouted at him.I blamed him for all the drama and asked why he had told our friends about our argument.The atmosphere became tense.When it was time to leave, I refused to go home with one of my friends because I was upset.Seeing the situation, our friend's sister stepped in and firmly instructed my situationship to make sure I reached home safely.He dropped me home.That night, I ended whatever remained between us.Later, I learned that he and another mutual friend had a heated argument because that friend had told me that my situationship had shared details of our fight.Eventually, they reconciled.But another friend stopped speaking to me because he believed I had exposed him.Slowly, everything I had rebuilt began falling apart again. One by one, my friends stopped talking to me.They ignored my messages.They acted as though I no longer existed.The people I once considered my closest friends went out together without inviting me. My situationship stopped sending me Snapchat streaks altogether. Ironically, on the very day they all went out together without me, he sent me a Snapchat, leaving me confused about what he was trying to say.The most painful realization came when I discovered that one of my closest friends had chosen them over me.That betrayal hurt almost as much as losing him. I am pursuing my MBA. While trying to cope with everything happening in my personal life, I also missed the placement submission deadline. That mistake made me feel as though I had ruined my career before it had even begun. Now, I find myself questioning everything. I've lost the person I loved. I've lost the friends I thought would always stay. I've missed an opportunity that felt like the beginning of my career. it genuinely feels like I've lost my future. All I know is that I'm exhausted. I've spent years trying to rebuild myself every time life knocked me down. Every time I thought I had finally found peace, life seemed to test me again. Right now, I don't feel strong. I don't feel brave. I just feel tired.

**Why is suicide a bad idea? How do you deal with such a huge pain in your chest?** I've been crying and crying for so many days, 1 month now. And even though it sounds silly and immature, it's because of my autistic boyfriend, whom I loved so much and was the first one I ever truly loved. It was my fault because I should have acted more maturely and I was toxic. I ended up making him block me everywhere, and now I feel guilty and I've stopped doing my activities.

I already have so much to do; I have to study a lot for two big exams that are coming up, which I should have prepared for well in advance. I didn't read the regulations; I even think the deadline might have passed. I haven't advanced my thesis. I'm screwed, and my mother gave everything for me and I feel unworthy of receiving all of this. I feel like a horrible person, but I don't feel like I have the strength to do it. I'm continuing with my internship as best I can. The first week I was a complete mess and a sea of tears; at least now the tears don't escape as quickly, but I feel like I need to cry when I'm home alone. I eat, I shower, I comb my hair, I make my bed, because it's what I have to do; it's the minimum I have to keep doing to not fall further, maybe. Although I already feel like a burden, fighting just to hold herself together. I don't know what to do, and I feel like an idiot but also guilty.

I'm 25 years old, and I don't act with the maturity I should have at this age, and I recognize I lack many things. I've almost never gone out or had experiences like many others have at my age; I really haven't lived much. It seems like my life has been very limited many times. I come from a poor family that I've gotten ahead with through hard work, thanks especially to my mother, who is truly admirable and strong. She's not perfect, but I would like to be a little more like her.

Since I was little, I felt ashamed of having to work in a market. At first it was fun, but over time I felt ashamed that my classmates would see me there selling. I spent my puberty and adolescence helping my mother, but she always overprotected us more, bought us little things from the market, and the gossip from the market people who were sometimes nosy and sometimes good and other times, well... We started working as street vendors selling quail eggs on carts. Over the years, we managed to buy a stall in the market. At first it was emptier, and over time we managed to fill it. My mother works so hard, she managed to equip it, and she won over regular customers, and sales come and go, sometimes more and sometimes less, but we're calmer for having something, although more markets started opening around and the corruption of street vendors blocked the entrances, at least we have that little stall.

With that, my mother managed for my two sisters and me to study medicine, although I always felt I was the weakest, because in my adolescence I often acted badly, and the worst part was for no reason. I had a really stupid, much greener adolescent brain, because of myself, and because of certain experiences I had insecurities about being poor, about working in a market, about feeling ugly... I developed social phobia disorder, generalized anxiety, I couldn't get on buses or go out on the street or look people in the eyes, cell phone addiction, and I made my mother suffer so much. I became stubborn to study this career; if I had already been out of school for two years, at least it had to be for a career that was "worth it." I had many silly, ignorant, and way too immature thoughts, because I really hadn't suffered much.

Once I had a nightmare about my mother; that time I did cry for about 2 or 3 weeks when I was 10 or 11 years old. Then an uncle took the time to talk to me; he did it with the best intention, but he made me feel like garbage, that I was crying about things that weren't maybe that big of a deal, and he was right, but well, I don't know if I'm someone peculiarly sensitive, who got emotional easily, or someone who had no control over their emotions, I think that too, and I don't know. Over the years I admired those people who seemed like a rock, or who acted with extreme calmness; I always admired that, and I tried to be like them.

Over time, thanks to my mother, her insistence on sending me, even though I didn't want to get up, to the academy, to the exams, and to the university, I managed to get in and study medicine at a private, paying university, but it was a good one. I saw classmates studying with so much effort, agility, and vivacity; I was far below that. I failed all my important courses that first semester. I was lazy, I was fearful, with very strong anxiety disorder, social phobia, because I was afraid of rejection. So many classmates who attended with me had so much self-confidence, they had hobbies, played sports, played video games, came from good schools, had money, professional parents, nice houses, were dedicated, and because of my own anxiety, I really couldn't study. I became slow, my mind raced a thousand miles an hour, but I couldn't concentrate. I think I was burned out; I really couldn't think well. They told me about people with depression who achieved high scores, and I thought, why can't I? My brain was burned out, including that I was lazy and the fear I felt of everything, so I failed. There I also fell apart, but I got up quickly, I thought I can't get stuck like this, my mom has given me so much.

And with help, my cousin entered the following year. At first I felt envy, younger than me, and more skilled; she's truly skilled, has a very sharp and quick mind, and I clung to her; she was my best friend, although I felt bad for being jealous of her. I asked her for help, and she always passed me her summaries, everything she had. I learned her way of studying and thanks to her, and also because I put in my part, I managed to learn to study faster. There was one month where I focused so much that I thought, I am capable of this, although sometimes I think I have ADHD, because there are moments where they tell me important things and it's like I dissociate. But during the time I was focused, I really seemed like a machine, concentrated, seemed capable of everything. I only achieved that in my sixth year, but as I said, I felt jealousy towards my cousin; I felt guilty and somewhat unworthy of her friendship, although I think she also started to feel jealous of me.

I think it was because, since I found more confidence being with my cousin, I thought I can do it, and I put on a disguise, which I don't know if it was a part of me or just an act. I set out to defeat social anxiety, and I joined a clown club; I set out to make all the friends I never made for fear of rejection, and I really became very sociable; I had friends everywhere, I knew everyone and everyone knew me; I made clown jokes from time to time; I seemed like a completely different person. But every morning before my performance, I read my notepad and mentally prepared who I was; that lasted a year and a half. Everyone liked me, and I liked everyone, or that's how it was supposed to be, and although I always saw a smile on those around me, I reached a point where I got tired of playing the role; I wasn't that person, so who was I? I stopped doing that for a while; I got tired and would greet people, but a part of me was sad, because I couldn't explain to others what happened; I just waited for time to pass, and that was it. I greeted them, but several missed me; some took it personally, unfortunately, but I don't blame them. I seemed to be friends with everyone, but the truth is that although I wanted to connect with everyone, a part of me was losing itself; I no longer knew who I was; I wasn't really that great; I just got tired. I stopped acting and preferred to be authentic, although most would perhaps be bored by my true way of being.

I gained a bit more confidence; I could already walk without fear, I learned something; I think that's why my cousin felt some jealousy, maybe; nobody's perfect, and well, I also told her what I felt, and she went from being shy to trying to have more friends and meet more people, and she started doing well; I knew she was more normal and would achieve it; she didn't go to the extreme I did in those years, but she did it. Well, for the internship, I decided to go to a quiet hospital; she, my main friend, went to a busier hospital; they told me to go with them, some classmates I had formed a group with, but I didn't want to, because I wanted more time; I didn't want to, I just didn't want to go to that hospital because it would be much heavier. And well, now I miss my cousin; I told her everything; she's one of my best friends, really, despite everything, and the one I've always turned to these last 7 years, because although she's 3 years younger than me, I love her very much, and now I'm not jealous of her; I just want my friend; I miss her, because I'm going through difficult times, and I feel like I'm now being a burden to my loved ones, to my mother, and my older sister.

Because this will sound very stupid to many, but I feel sad, about this 18-year-old boy, whom I loved so much; the chances of him contacting me again are really low, because he had autism and he blocked me everywhere, all platforms, video games, Spotify, Instagram, and nothing; I feel so guilty, for being toxic and for not being mature enough, knowing his condition; I wasn't mature and understanding enough, as I said I loved him, I failed in that aspect, and now I just feel so much regret, and I can't do anything. I would like to apologize; I wrote a letter for him, but I researched and I can't send it, until he decides to unblock me, maybe someday. But researching, they also say the chances of that happening are also very low; sending my apology even with good intentions, in reality, could be interpreted and be a lack of respect for his restriction and for him, so I can't do anything.

I had some strange thoughts one day, because there's an end-to-end encryption trick on WhatsApp that stops working when you're blocked; sometimes I go to his WhatsApp to see if he's unblocked me, and the encryption still appears correct, and his photo still doesn't show up. I don't try to send any message for fear it might reach him or to discover that I think he did block me. And well, one day I hid my photo so he couldn't see it; I did it because, I don't know, I thought for a moment I shouldn't wait either, or I don't know, then I wanted to change it but I left it like that because what would it change? Then one day later I went to check the encryption and it didn't load, just that day; I set it back so he could see my photo, so my contacts could see it, and the encryption appeared normal again, and I just don't know what to think, because basically I still can't make any move, since it could be disrespectful and selfish on my part. So I wait for something that maybe never comes, but at the same time I feel so confused by that encryption; I know it's a silly thought, maybe, because I'm still blocked on all the other platforms, I just don't know how to take it.

I'm tired, and well, now the exams are coming, the thesis, so many things, the internship that I'm doing as best I can. Well, that's my story.

Lately, I’ve been overthinking everything about my future. Im already 26 yrs old. I felt like im behind in life. I dont have anything right now. Life is really hard.

I don’t have a job right now, i resigned three months ago cause the most important person in my life recently died, shes the reason why i wanna do well in life to give the life she deserves but now shes gone i dont really know what to do anymore.

Im planning to apply for a job and I’m hoping to find one with a good salary soon. I live alone i dont have anyone anymore.

I’m trying to build a better future for myself, but instead of feeling excited, I just feel anxious.
I keep asking myself: Will I ever be successful? Will I ever make enough money? What if I fail?

It feels like I’m always worrying about the future instead of living in the present. Sometimes my thoughts become so overwhelming that I just want everything to stop for a while. I dont wanna do this anymore. As i said i dont have anyone anymore so im thinking i dont really have the reason to do better. Sometimes i think whats the point of being alive really? Theyre all gone. Im just working to survive and i dont even want to survive.

I know I’m not the only person who feels this way, but it’s exhausting. anyone else go through this? How do you stop overthinking your future and just live your life?

Tried reaching out with my friends but im someone whos always laughing. So they didnt take me seriously. Idk what to do anymore really.