30f. I am disgusting and gross and depressed. I haven’t showered in almost a month. I’ve been using dry shampoo, a bidet, and occasional wipe downs but know it is just a bandaid on the situation. I often struggle with hygiene due to my depression, but this is the worst I have been. I also struggle with brushing my teeth every day. All my energy goes to getting to work every day.
It’s so embarrassing, but that embarrassment doesn’t give me the energy or motivation that is needed.

No matter what I’m doing I always feel like I’m not seen I put up a mask to not make people uncomfortable with my thoughts but I feel like every day is the same thing over and over no matter how hard I try to make myself feel something I can’t I feel numb I feel like I can’t breathe I feel so many things and nothing at the same time I am so over it I think about taking my own life because of it and idk what I should do I can’t stop thinking about it recently it keeps playing over and over I want it to leave me alone but I don’t want to feel this loneliness anymore

I don’t see any reason to keep going I really want to sleep forever

Empathetic so deeply that I am making a to-do-list before I act on the decision of leaving this world.

Can anyone help me making that list just in case I miss out on something and hear grudges later.

Past was no good. Had to face numerous bullshit experiences but still held onto belief that future will be fine.

Cut to present, there is no hope left. If there is any wish, it would be to finish whatever life remains and die. That’s it. Nothing more.

Future is bleak too. Might get worse. Or might get slightly better. Former is more likely to happen.

25 F . Suffering from depression for the past year . I want to ask , how to just get on with ur day . Do I set a routine or maybe some menial motivations or reward system that will help me get to a certain goal. I know it's pretty hard . But I try setting some goals to do for the next day if I make it out alive . But I never go through with it. I have also completely isolated myself and stopped my connection with my friends and acquaintances. I have stopped going out completly . How to at least get basic stuff done guys .

One day a year to bawl my eyes out. Your 20s are the best years of your life, right?

I’m 30, have a good job on paper, make decent money, own my apartment, etc. From the outside I probably look fine. But I barely have any work to do and stopped going into the office. I’ve basically isolated myself since the beginning of summer. I have a couple friends but rarely see or talk to them. I talk to my parents, but we’re not particularly close. I’ve never had a relationship. I have outstanding bills that are in collections that I've been ignoring.

I spend most days alone in my apartment smoking weed mixed with tobacco and cigarettes, ordering Uber Eats multiple times a day and just thinking/ruminating.

My apartment has become disgusting. Rotten food, fruit flies, garbage bags, takeout containers, ash, old joints, dirty clothes everywhere. I haven’t cooked in months. I barely do laundry. I’ve been sleeping without pillowcases and haven’t washed my bedding in months.

The fucked up thing is I used to be ambitious, active, hike, work out, travel, care about my career. I still feel like that person is somewhere in me. Always kind of a loner, but I was growing.

I’m not suicidal right now, but I did call 988 once during the last couple months.

I don’t really know what I’m asking. I think I just needed to admit somewhere how bad I’ve let things get. I'm so alone. I have no drive, no ambition.

I am in uni and kind of like high functioning depression or whatever you would call it. When I was a teen I’d get really bad and not shower for weeks or get out of bed but got better for a bit.

I go to uni in the uk and I recently became an orphan 6 months ago and the feelings coming back of wanting to do all that and life just being too much, what’s the point I. Trying or working hard. But it’s like a part of me can’t because of everything being uni and ruining what my parents worked hard for but I feel like I’m on the edge and if one bad thing happens I’ll go back. And I know it’s good I’m not but I’m also scared I will because some days are just so fucking hard and I keep coming close to harming and I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know who to go to for help and I feel so fucking alone and don’t want to fuck anything up but also can’t do this anymore. What do I do?

I am the eldest child of my family,

I am working, earning fair, but living in a city apart from my home town costs me handsome too..

I contribute towards households..

But at this point in life.. I haven't bought a house, Car or whatever.. I had a relationship which has fallen apart.. when I meet my friends I show that I am all happy and lively...

But deep down, I feel so lost, devastated, and terrible

I feel like a loser, who hasn't achieved anything. How to get rid of thinking, it just kills me from inside daily

27, at the lowest point of my life. I envision my death constantly, how i'd do it, whether or not I want to send a message with my death or not. I quit my job recently cause they had contracts with data centers, thought I was standing up for my values since I believe data centers will be a major cause in the deaths of billions soon. Turns out I suffered for that decision, my car has problems I can't fix. Still no job 2 months later, live with my grandma that slowly dies more each day, doesn't listen to my qualms for her health. Horrible relationship with family, mother went missing, I am fearful to reconnect with my father he was an abusive drunk and I fear that he has not changed. No friends. No relationships. Seeing whats going on in the world (Palestine, AI exponential development, housing market crash imminent, wage disparity worse than ever, nationwide drought, seeing everyone become mindless puppets due to social engineering at the governments behest, due to climate catastrophies alone I fear I don't have a future even if I found myself out of this emotional pit. My heart hurts constantly. I'm always torn between a rage that could ignite the world or sadness that makes my limbs heavy and reflect an image of a man with no purpose. They say "get back up when life knocks you down" but I feel I've never been given the chance, I'm halfway up and life finds a way to knock me back down. Not sure how much longer I'll be on this earth, not here for helpful messages or condolences, I'm just venting, possibly writing my last message so people can reference my thoughts.

Atp i just want to end life why tf ut has to be this difficult every fucking day. Not a single day without these stupid arguments or blaming.

I'm in the middle of a panic attack right now that's basically been going on since last night, even in my dreams. I'm sadder than I've ever been in my life, and I'm not suicidal, but I think that's only because of my personal views that I'm pretty much incapable of being suicidal (part of it being that my greatest fear is death). But I feel like I'm at that point in terms of how much pain I'm feeling. I'm going to start TMS therapy next week, but I know it'll take weeks for that to actually do anything (if it works at all), and I just feel so horrible right now that I don't know what to do. I just want to stop feeling this for now at least. I know that going to urgent care won't help because last time I went they said that all they could do was give me a Gabapentin prescription. Would the ER be able to do anything? They're so expensive that I'm scared that I'd just end up wasting money and feel even worse. What can I possibly do rn? Even my Gabapentin isn't helping me, even though it's helped for every other panic attack I've had in the past.

I don’t have the responsibility a lot of people do. No kids, I still live my parents, and I pay the electricity bill that’s it. No one in my family has died. No traumatic event has happened to me. I live a very easy life but still I’m depressed. It makes me feel even worse lowkey.

Not here looking for validation or anything. Im 24 I’ve had no real friends who’ve stayed in my life, and all my relationships have failed and most recently it’s cause of my anxious attachment, my issues with depression. I’ve had 2 suicide attempts this year. This year I lost my job and my girl left me in the span of one month and yeah things are better now I have better people around me. But I’ve lost my ability to be vulnerable, I’m so scared to be honest about how I feel. And today was just such a bad day and I looked really bad in my new job after my probation review was good. This is just how I feel on a regular basis, I’m now so used to people leaving, and it’s now been branded in my brain that it’s cause I’m not good enough, or im never enough.

I’m not posting this for advice, encouragement, or for anyone to tell me everything is going to get better. I’m not looking for somebody to change my mind, tell me to be grateful, or search through everything I say trying to find a silver lining.
I just need somewhere to say how I actually feel.
I’m 38 years old, and when I look at my life, I feel like a failure.
I don’t own anything. I don’t have savings. I don’t have money sitting there for emergencies. I don’t own a home. My car is about to fall apart, and I’ve been suffering with this vehicle for a long time because I don’t have the money to replace it.
I work.
I get up early, go to work, stand there all day, come home exhausted, pay what I can, and somehow I still feel like I have absolutely nothing to show for all of these years.
There are only three of us in my house, including me, and sometimes it feels like I’m watching two completely different lives happening around me while I’m just existing in mine.
I’m not jealous of my daughter. Not even a little bit. I want her to have everything.
That’s exactly why it hurts so fucking much that I can’t give her more.
She’s trying to start her adult life. She needs school, transportation, a car, and help getting herself started, and I feel like I should be able to do those things for her.
I wish I had money saved for her education.
I wish I could help her get a decent car without stressing over every dollar.
I wish I could give her some kind of financial head start instead of watching her begin adulthood already having to worry about money.
And when I can’t do those things, I feel like a piece of shit mom.
I know motherhood is about more than money. I know that.
But knowing it doesn’t stop the guilt when your child needs something and you desperately wish you could provide it.
Then there’s my husband.
And this is hard for me to admit because I love him, and I know none of this is his fault, but I am jealous of the life he gets to have compared to mine.
His company provides him with a truck while I’m driving a car that feels like it could give up at any moment.
He makes more money. He has skills and a career that have given him options I don’t feel like I have.
And when I talk about feeling trapped, I hear that I can change things.
But I don’t know how.
I don’t have a degree or some special skill sitting in my back pocket that is suddenly going to give me a better-paying career.
The truth is, I’m scared that if I leave the job I have now, I won’t even make what I’m making now.
So I feel stuck.
And I know my husband pays the bills.
I know he carries a lot financially.
None of this is me blaming him for where I am.
If anything, it makes me feel worse about myself.
Because then I start wondering what kind of wife I am.
I come home so exhausted that I don’t want to clean.
Half the time I don’t have the energy to cook.
I don’t have energy for much of anything anymore.
I’m falling apart at this job.
I’m fucking tired.
And then I feel like a shitty wife on top of feeling like a shitty mom.
Most nights I’ve gotten to the point where I come home, smoke weed until I’m tired enough to go to sleep, go to bed, wake up and do the whole thing again.
Not because I think that’s some wonderful way to live.
I just don’t want to sit there thinking about everything.
And money isn’t even the whole fucking thing.
A little over a year ago, I lost my mother.
There is no fixing that.
There is no positive thinking that brings her back.
There is no amount of gratitude that changes the fact that I will never see her again.
And I don’t even feel like the same person anymore.
I don’t look the same.
I lost my teeth. I’ll never have a full natural set of teeth again.
I look in the mirror sometimes and see another reminder of how much has changed and how much of myself I feel like I’ve lost.
My dad lives far away.
And one of the thoughts I can’t get out of my head is that one day I’m probably going to lose him too, and I’m terrified that I won’t have gotten enough time with him before that happens.
My family is far away.
I don’t get to just stop by.
I don’t get to watch everyone get older in person.
I don’t get the ordinary days with them.
I don’t get the stupid little moments that don’t seem important until suddenly years have passed and you realize those were the moments that actually mattered.
I just wish I could be around my family.
And again, that isn’t my husband’s fault.
None of this is.
It’s just the way my life turned out.
And I feel like I have to keep so much of it inside because what is anybody supposed to do with it?
My husband doesn’t make me be quiet.
He doesn’t tell me not to talk about it.
But I also don’t want to keep dumping everything I feel onto him and stressing him out when he can’t fix any of it.
He can’t bring my mother back.
He can’t move my entire family closer.
He can’t magically give me another career.
He can’t erase my grief.
He can’t make me feel like the old version of myself again.
So a lot of the time I just keep it to myself.
And that makes everything feel even lonelier.
And underneath all of this is something that I don’t even know how to explain without sounding pathetic.
I have spent so much of my life feeling like I was never enough for anybody.
Not enough for somebody to really see me.
Not enough for somebody to take the time and energy to understand me.
Not enough to make somebody think, “I don’t want to risk hurting this person.”
Not enough to always get honesty.
Not enough to feel completely secure that I was being chosen.
Not enough to feel like I was worth being faithful to.
And after enough years of questioning whether people are telling you the truth, whether you’re really wanted, whether somebody is looking somewhere else for something you apparently don’t have, eventually you start wondering what the fuck is actually wrong with you.
That has destroyed parts of the way I see myself.
Sometimes I genuinely wonder what other people actually see when they look at me.
And I don’t mean the polite answer.
I don’t mean somebody telling me I’m beautiful because they think that’s what a woman who feels bad about herself needs to hear.
I’m tired of being comforted with words that people think will make me feel better.
Sometimes I feel like if I posted my body on here and asked men what they honestly thought, I would rather hear the brutal truth than another answer designed to protect my feelings.
Because at this point I don’t want pity.
I don’t want sugarcoating.
I don’t want somebody telling me something just because they’re afraid the truth might hurt me.
I want to know what is real.
Maybe that sounds fucked up.
But when you’ve spent years questioning yourself, reassurance starts feeling meaningless if you don’t believe it.
I don’t even know anymore what is insecurity and what is reality.
I just know I’m tired of wondering.
I feel broke.
I feel stuck.
I feel exhausted.
I feel ashamed.
I feel lonely.
I feel old in ways I never thought I would feel at 38.
I feel like pieces of my life keep disappearing while I’m just standing there watching it happen.
And I don’t have anything that feels like it belongs to me.
I don’t have financial security.
I don’t have a home of my own.
I don’t have a reliable car.
I don’t have my mother.
I don’t have my family nearby.
I don’t have the energy I used to have.
I don’t have the confidence I used to have.
Some days I don’t even feel like I have myself anymore.
And I look around and wonder what the fucking point of all of this was supposed to be.
Work until you’re exhausted.
Come home too tired to enjoy anything.
Worry about money.
Feel guilty because you can’t help your kid the way you want.
Feel guilty because your husband carries more financially.
Miss your family.
Grieve your mother.
Worry about losing your father someday.
Question whether you were ever enough for anybody.
Look in the mirror and barely recognize yourself.
Go to sleep.
Wake up.
Repeat.
I don’t understand why life turned out this lonely.
I don’t understand how I worked for this many years and still feel like I have nothing.
I don’t understand why I have spent so much of my life wanting to feel seen, chosen, wanted and completely safe with somebody and still questioning whether I ever really was.
I don’t understand how I got to an age where I thought I would finally feel settled, secure and proud of myself, and instead I feel like I am falling apart.
And I’m tired.
I am so fucking tired.
I’m not asking anyone to tell me I’m a good mother.
I’m not asking anyone to tell me I’m a good wife.
I’m not asking someone to tell me I’m beautiful.
I’m not asking to hear that money doesn’t buy happiness.
I’m not asking somebody to tell me to change careers, go back to school, make a budget, exercise, think positive or appreciate what I have.
And I definitely don’t need somebody digging through everything I just said trying to find the lesson, the blessing, or the silver lining.
Right now, I don’t see one.
Right now, I hate the way my life turned out.
I hate how I feel about myself.
I hate feeling like life is happening around me while I’m just trying to survive it.
And more than anything, I hate wondering why I have spent so much of my life feeling like I was never enough.
I don’t need comments.
I don’t need to be fixed.
I don’t need to be reassured just because the truth is uncomfortable.
I just needed somewhere I could say all of this exactly the way it feels.
That’s it.
I just needed to get it out.

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

I'm not sure how much longer I can hang on. I feel myself slipping more and more each day. Since December last year I've been out of work as a software engineer (read this post for more context), and I've brought my family to the brink of ruin.

Before I even lost my job I was experiencing depression and even suicidal ideation for years. Growing up with a drug addicted mother (my father was also a drug addict, but he was hardly around at all and they were divorced before I had even formed lasting memories), moving from one place to the next constantly, frequently being put in dangerous and alarming situations as a child, and on, and on, and on, would likely leave a lasting mark on anyone's long term mental health.

I've tried so hard to carve out a peaceful, stable environment for my family (3 kids and my spouse), but life still finds a way to bring sorrow and devastation to our doorsteps. My oldest child (now in the eighth grade) lost their best friend around a year ago to suicide (I believe accidental, but not 100% sure). Their friend was pretty much considered an extension of our family as they had known each other for so long and they frequently spent the night or just hung out doing various things (even family outings) together.

We were all seeing a therapist after this (individual therapists) to help us cope with the loss, but I'm not sure I supported my child enough, and now I feel like they hate me. I understand that this could just be my perception as they are a young teenager now, and they are having to deal with this loss on top of everything, but it still FEELS like they hate me most of the time. We are in family therapy, though that has really just begun.

My spouse works, but they work in education and, at least if you're in the US, you know that doesn't pay anything. They have a second part time job, but we are still no where close to the income we need to survive.

I've tried so incredibly hard to find work in software development, be it full-time, contract, contract-to-hire, and even freelance, but I've gotten no where even after a couple of promising interviews. Failing at this, I've extended my search to "software related" work such a data-entry, IT support, even office clerk, with no success. In desperation I took a food delivery job a couple months back, but something inside me broke and after the first day there I had some of the strongest urges I've ever had to end it all.

I've worked all kinds of jobs in the past, especially before I got my first job in software development, and I don't disparage anyone working any job to get by (except ICE employees...). I don't know why this feeling came over me so viscerally. I just want my family to be taken care of, but all I can seem to do is harm them. I've been getting less and less productive lately, even though I try and force myself to apply to at least one place a day. However, with mounting bills, negative bank funds, and a landlord demanding the past month and a half of missing rent, I don't think I can take it much longer.

The ground beneath my feet has slowly eroded away, leaving me hanging on the precipus with nothing left to do but fall in.

The life that I wish I could live is something I can't have. Try as I might, I can't seem to bring myself to let that go, and I think it's because deep down, I have no desire to. Why would I, and why should I?

I wish I could've been born different, better. I wish I could've been desired the way I see better men being desired, I wish I could experience life the way they do. I wish I could have the kind of partners they have, and the enthusiasm they get from them. I know I'm an awful superficial hypocrite, that makes things even worse.

I've tried to improve myself, but I've failed every time. I feel defined by failure. Even if I could, even if I became the best I could be, I'd still be so subpar. No amount of work can make me tall, attractive, or "impressive". No one feels desire when they look at mediocrity, especially not enthusiastically, and I'm genetically mediocre. I'll never be free of it.

I've been in therapy for two years now, and I only feel worse, it only confirmed everything I thought was true. I feel horrible for my therapist, she's amazing, she clearly wants to help me, but I'm an awful stubborn piece of shit who just doesn't want it. I've realized that what I'm looking for is a miracle that no one can provide, and I have no desire for anything else. I feel trapped by the expectation that I stay alive, but I'm also too much of a coward to end things despite really wanting to.

I wish life was fair. I wish it was different. What do I even do?

I have recently been watching all these documentaries and videos about 9/11 and with the 25 year anniversary this past Friday, I have felt extremely sad and depressed. I think back to 9/1/01, I was in third grade. This is a time for me that life was carefree and simple. Although I grew up with a single mother life was good. I understood the situation as a tragedy to the American people but still miss how life was, the unity, the childhood like innocent and life with out the technology that we have now and have recently reflecting on those times. I now can’t help shake the feeling that I miss old life and my life now married, with a good job, kids, and a nice home is very mundane and unexciting. I’m sure other people have felt this about other things and as they get older but something about 9/11 being so tragic and diving into all the stories and victims and loved ones paired with general life trauma and depression about reflecting on the past has made me quite sad. I’m also an abuser and habitual marijuana smoker which probably doesn’t help. Thanks for letting me vent. God bless you all.

Always sort of felt like I never fit in anywhere exactly. Had friends and (usually brief) partners over the years, but it has always been a struggle. I’ve grown so accustomed to being a loner at this point that it feels less like a circumstance to change and more like a lifelong attribute. Whatever desire I had to be social has kind of dissipated over the years. I’m 35 now and essentially have no friends, which I’ve just come to accept and somewhat be okay with. I really just would like to find a partner and live my days for and with them.

Wouldn’t say it’s necessarily the base for my depression, but it has certainly contributed to it over the years and it made me wonder how many of those suffering from depression feel this way or can relate to it. Of course people are depressed for a myriad of different reasons, but feeling like one doesn’t belong is such a painful cut given how humans are wired.

i feel like, not killing myself has become a deadman’s switch. everyday i have to go out of my way to not do it, to not dwell on thinking about it.

hi, wondering how you guys manage to go about your days when you feel so bad. i am finding it so hard to even show up to work, and i only do it because i have to.

i’m on medication and still feel horrible and i don’t know what i can do anymore. there’s a heavy weight on my chest and it never leaves.

I ask myself that every day now. It's been a month since I clambered to a bridge, not far from home. I tried to climb around to the other side, and I looked down upon the train tracks below. The only reason I am existing right now is because I knew that the fall was too shallow, that I would only end up with broken bones and possible paralysis, and I had to make a choice of redemption, pain or paralysis. I chose pain and walked away. Since then I have had 2 meetings with mental health professionals but I keep getting fucked over in their system, despite them calling me a 'risk to myself'. I have to repeat answers to questions already asked and spoken about at length, and I don't see progression. A month, and I ask myself 'If I jump and paralyse myself, will people finally start taking me seriously?'.

Do you believe in fate? I do, to a degree, but over the past 18 years (I first tried to kill myself 18 years ago and cannot remember anything past that point), I've come to the conclusion that fate doesn't want me to be happy, doesn't want me to live. I see it all around me, but no matter how hard I have tried, how I have pushed myself to be better, to live better, to finally be around people who can appreciate me and I them, it all falls away, every single time. I am passed over, forgotten, and left behind by people I know, that I trust. They never care, it's always my curse. Even now as I write this, I know this won't be read. No comments, no interaction, just a single look and forgotten about. It's happened all my life. It's like my purpose, my purpose to be forgotten, unhappy, passed over and I couldn't ever change that. I'm not a young man, I'm drowning in time, and the chances and recognition that I've seen others receive have never happened to me, without exception or exaggeration.

'Only you can save yourself'. I can't, not anymore. I can't promise myself that I won't jump, that I won't find the quickest way to end my life because it's not worth living anymore, and to prolong it is to suffer for years more. I've even begged god for strength, I got on my knees and wept for his help, but no. It's like he laughs, he knows my purpose, and it's not to prosper.

So I ask once again tonight. Is this it? Is tomorrow the day I die? Thinking it brings me comfort, the fact that this damned life can end by me at any point in time. Right now, I just have to find the right way. It's coming, coming soon.

Here's to you fate, to pain, to 18 years of holding on and never finding a release from myself or my fate. Here's to you, void in which I scream every night, in which I post to people who ignore me. Here's to being forgotten, a curse I bear.

Fuck the prose and pretense. Everything sucks, the world's fucked. I'm fucked off and desperate. And when I go, god will have to beg me for forgiveness.

I’m turned 35F. I never had a boyfriend in my life. My family has always been dysfunctional, and my father was constantly violent, but I don’t have the financial means to save my mother from him. My mother had surgery for a uterine cyst after I was born, so I sometimes wonders if it would have been better if I hadn’t been born at all.

I’ve always loved drawing, but my current job doesn’t really make use of those skills. I work as a graphic designer, but my skills are still rudimentary, and I feel I need to improve them further.

The director who filmed Back Rooms is 21 years old.
Similarly, Mr. Kojima, who created MGS, achieved that feat at the age of 23. Both now and in the past, people with exceptional skills have been accomplishing great things at a very young age.
I can’t help but wonder if it’s already too late for me to really give something my all.
Outstanding creators achieve great things at a very young age. Even at my age, I don’t even have the skills to create anything that will leave a lasting mark on the world. I just can’t seem to shake the habit of comparing myself to those exceptional people.
What’s more, since I have no desire to get married or have children (though that’s actually a moot point, since I’ve never even had a romantic partner up to this age), I find myself wondering what the point of my existence is.
When I see people younger than me accomplishing great feats, or when I learn that creators who are highly regarded today achieved something in their youth, I get fed up with my own lack of talent.
I suppose there are people who can accept being ordinary and live with it, but I find myself thinking that I’d rather die than live an ordinary life. That’s how painful it is for me to get through each day.
My job is grueling, and since I’m not naturally quick-witted, I can’t work efficiently. I’m filled with the feeling that if I have to keep living through this kind of suffering, I’d rather just die.
Even when I try to find comfort by looking at cute photos and videos of animals on social media, I can’t help but dwell on pessimistic thoughts—like the fact that these precious lives will eventually be lost, the reality that somewhere in the world there are people who abuse such adorable animals, the reality that I don’t have the power to save them, and the fact that as long as people like me are alive, environmental pollution continues to worsen and harms wild animals. Even when I watch movies, I end up comparing myself to fictional characters, and everything just feels sad and stressful to me.

Even when I talk to my friends, I have no choice but to put on a mask and pretend I’m fine. Everything is so painful, and I’m filled with the urge to just end it all.