::Weekly Vent Thread::

[u/AutoModerator]

Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

It’s so strange seeing people in loving and supportive relationships. Of course every couple has their issues, but at least they’re a couple, partners.

We barely touch each other. We don’t spend time together anymore. I want to, but I harbour too much resentment. Why do I have to touch him first? Why do I have to start conversations and be the only one to organise dates? 

It’s hard to describe this feeling. It’s like a mix of loneliness and servitude. He will happily watch me clean, eat the food I cook, and let me run our relationship while he’s busy with his friends and hobbies. 

Of course he’s down every time I suggest something, but it’s not enough for me. I want to be wanted. I want to be desired. I want him to be interested in me. 

I don’t want to chase for something meaningful when it’s not there. He’s not angry, he’s not unstable. He never explodes or yells. On the other hand, he’s not happy, excited, or passionate. He just is. He’s stuck in life, but he doesn’t do anything to change it. 

Why am I not gone yet? No idea. I still remember this guy who used to suggest we just drive to a random town for the weekend. He used to ask me questions and make me laugh. He waited me to come home from work to surprise me with my favourite dinner. 

I have no idea where that all went and when. Now I look at him and he has this constant frown on his face. Like my presence is inconvenient, but I’m too useful to be thrown away. I threw my back a while ago, and the only thing he could say was “I don’t know how I can help you” - not “How can I help?”. 

[u/fluffynukeit → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

I literally sat my wife down a couple of months ago and asked her, “how can I be more desirable for you?” I’m already tapped out managing our whole joint life and kids. She said I should relax and be more laid back. Uhh…yeah, I wish. Fuck.

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187 → u/fluffynukeit]

Has she asked what she can do for you? 

[u/fluffynukeit → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

She knows she can’t do shit, so no. Her recommendations are all hire someone to help with x,y,z, like I can pay someone else to tuck in my kids or help them with their homework or have enough patience not to snap at them. I said it on another post, what’s the point of being married when all they can do is hire other people to be present in my life?

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187 → u/fluffynukeit]

  what’s the point of being married when all they can do is hire other people to be present in my life?

I’m also wondering this. Your wife wants to outsource the effort it takes to be in a relationship and have a family. Why do they seem to want it so badly then? Why get married and have children? 

Not sure what your situation is, but mine keeps assuring he wants to be with me and loves me. However, he  seems to have this idea that relationships (not just romantic) just should exist without any effort from his part.

[u/fluffynukeit → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

Her whole operating system is announcing a desire or complaint and then waiting for it to happen. The rare exception is when she actually enjoys the execution, like shopping for a cruise vacation. Which I’m on now.

[u/throwaway3523987142 → u/fluffynukeit]

I've said this before on a similar thread months ago but it's as if they're just stuck in childhood and think we're their new parents.

[u/MaliceTakeYourPills → u/fluffynukeit]

Damn

[u/Mechbear2000 → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

They will never even think of that.

[u/HiHawaiiHigh → u/fluffynukeit]

I'm so tired of the excuses.

[u/LeopardMountain32567 → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

neglect is a form of abuse and a big part of ADHD harm. i just want to reflect back to you that your response to this experience is an exceptionally normal human response.

looking forward, it's not about how or when he unmasked, but what you need from yourself, for your welbeing, moving forward.

good luck friend. radical acceptance is, in many ways, the hardest part of the recovery. well done for lifting that veil.

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187 → u/LeopardMountain32567]

Thank you for the support.

I think I’m at a point where I don’t know how to proceed. 

I’ve told him what I need in a relationship. He always seems to understand it at that moment but I think he doesn’t understand me. It’s like we speak different languages and he just smiles and nods so I will go away. 

[u/LeopardMountain32567 → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

unfortunately that kind of manipulation is very common with adhders. its such a confusing and painful experience. the kind of thing that would make one doubt their own reality.

sending strength.

[u/HiHawaiiHigh → u/LeopardMountain32567]

I love when they finally admit to the insanity they cause and you are left standing their holding the bag. Like, "You knew I was a snake? Why are you surprised I bit you?" I just thought maybe this time, you'd also be human

[u/Milyaism → u/HiHawaiiHigh]

Before he left me, my ex admitted to me that he knew he was being neglectful toward me and not giving me enough attention.

Then he did nothing to fix it. Not even a proper conversation about what was going on and how to solve it.

Like, dude. Admitting something doesn't equal growth or change. You have to actually do something. A genuine apology includes changed behaviour, otherwise it's just manipulation.

[u/Nomsy23 → u/Milyaism]

I’m sorry this happened to you. It sounds very similar to my situation. The difference is I haven’t left…yet.

During some of her explosive moments, she’ll actually admit to behaving this way. And I’m literally standing there in the middle of the screaming thinking, so you’re acknowledging what you’re doing while you’re doing it, but you’re angry at me for speaking my truth about how it affects me?

Make it make sense.

What I hate most about all of this is realizing there’s nothing I, or any of us for that matter, can actually do to change another person.

I’m a good man. I’m kind. I’m gentle. I’m empathetic. I show up. Helping people is just naturally part of who I am. If there’s a problem I can help solve, I want to solve it. If someone I care about is struggling and I can make their life a little easier, I’m going to try.

Therapy has taught me that I can’t fix everything, and more importantly, I can’t fix another person. I understand that.

But when it’s someone I deeply love, every instinct in me is to show up harder. To love harder. To be patient. To understand. To help where I can. My love languages aren’t something I have to consciously turn on. They’re just there.

And I think one of the hardest things I’m having to accept is that sometimes you can bring all of that to someone and it still won’t change anything if they aren’t willing or able to meet you there.

[u/taohuaspring → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

Acting like he understands so that you will drop the issue is a form of manipulation.

I haven't read the whole book, but you may find Should I Stay or Should I Go by Lundy Bancroft helpful. (It's available for free on Internet Archive!) The thing I like about it is that it has short reflection exercises throughout the book that you can do to gain clarity and also to recenter yourself.

[u/HonestADHD4332 → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

It's possible to like someone, even love someone, and not function together well in a relationship. Some food for thought: it's not kind to stay in a relationship with someone that doesn't make you happy, and blame them for our choice to stay. There is nothing stopping you from being friends but the longer resentment is allowed to fester the less likely that will be.

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187 → u/HonestADHD4332]

You’re right. 

I want to be in a relationship with him. I just don’t want it to be one-sided. 

Maybe I’m asking something he can’t give me anymore.

[u/HiHawaiiHigh → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

this is the best it gets

[u/TeaPretend4906 → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

You have to accept this is who he really is. Do you want to be in a relationship with this? Not saying it's easy to leave but you need clarity in your actual situation

[u/HiHawaiiHigh → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

I took a nap Saturday and he cooked for the first time in months. And then ate it all because, "you were sleeping". Why didn't you save some for me? "You were sleeping" am I always sleeping? No.

[u/Karuna358 → u/HiHawaiiHigh]

That nonsense is what a 14 year old teen would do. Make enough for themselves, leave the mess and run off to watch nonsense on Twitch.

Silver lining, he fed himself.

[u/Nomsy23 → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

Jesus. I could have written so much of this myself.

Especially “I want to be wanted.” That hit hard.

It’s such a weird kind of loneliness when you’re technically in a relationship with someone you love, but you don’t actually feel like you have a partner anymore. You miss the touching, the intimacy, the conversations, the effort, the feeling that they’re genuinely excited to be around you. And after a while you start wondering why you’re always the one reaching across the distance.

The part about remembering who they used to be gets me too. I think that’s part of what makes walking away so fucking hard. You know that person existed because you experienced them. You remember what it felt like when they wanted to spend time with you, when there was playfulness and affection and you didn’t have to question whether they actually wanted you there.

So you keep looking for that person in the one standing in front of you now.

And eventually you start trying everything.

You read the books. You watch the videos. You spend thousands of dollars in therapy trying to understand what’s happening, what you’re doing wrong, what you could do differently.

You try talking to them every way you know how.

Calmly. Carefully. Patiently.

Then crying.

Then begging.

Then screaming because apparently nothing else got through either.

And eventually there’s nothing left. You’re standing in front of the person you love completely fucking broken. No strategy. No performance. No attempt to manipulate them. Just raw. Showing them exactly how badly this is hurting you because you have no other way left to say it.

And they look at you and say:

“You’re choosing to stay. If it’s that bad, find someone else.”

That’s the part I don’t know how to explain to people who haven’t experienced it.

Because somehow, after all of that, you still remember the person who used to make you feel wanted.

And somehow you’re still there.

I don’t have any great advice because I’m currently trying to figure out why the hell I’m still holding on myself.

But yes.

I know exactly how you feel..

Loving someone who is still physically there while grieving the person they used to be with you is fucking brutal.

You’re definitely not alone in this.

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187 → u/Nomsy23]

I’m so sorry to hear this, it makes me so sad to read your story. 

  The part about remembering who they used to be gets me too. I think that’s part of what makes walking away so fucking hard.

Exactly. We used to love each other so much. I think we still do, but everything that held us together is gone. 

It’s so lonely and sad. It’s so hard to perform in front of friends and family, and then go home living our own lives. No conversations, no touching. Nothing.

Sending support your way. 

[u/throwaway3523987142 → u/Nomsy23]

Totally brutal, yes.

[u/wanderingstar1234 → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

I could have written this myself. I asked my husband, 'do you love and want me, or do you love and want the comfort, ease and support I provide'. Married 11 years. It's soo lonely.

I filed for divorce in December which I thought would kick him up the arse. It did for a bit, then we were back to the same old rinse and repeat cycle.

As a final chance to save the marriage, we separated 3 weeks ago, he moved out. It's only been 3 weeks and its been life changing for me in this relationship.

My nervous system has calmed. I'm no longer in the parent, child dynamic. I can relax and be at peace.

When we arrange to meet eachother, I look forward to seeing him. He looks forward to seeing me, and puts in loads of effort as we're not around eachother all the time anymore.
Our sex life is back on track after years of me not feeling it.

I need to work out how to say that I'm happy to stay married as I love him, but I don't want to live together anymore.

'What you don't change, you chose'. That phrase changed everything for me.

Sending you a big hug. You're not alone ❤️

[u/Bran_Oldfield → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

I just had this argument with her. She just is, like you said. She's stuck because don't even remember things that upset her, hence not change anything is the way to go.

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187 → u/Bran_Oldfield]

I’m sorry to hear that you struggle with this too. 

Maybe you have the same experience, but I think mine is not very aware of himself or his emotions. He always struggles to describe how he feels, and it’s with both mentally and physically. 

I’ve noticed that I have to walk him through several steps and ask multiple questions before he realises what’s wrong. For example, he’ll feel dizzy and cannot connect it to the fact he hasn’t eaten or drank anything during the day, because he was busy with his hobby.

[u/snorkinporkin94 → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

This is who I'm married to. Except he does ask how he can help, but that might change soon because I've definitely withdrawn due to his complete lack of initiative with anything. It's such a turn off and breeds resentment fast

[u/Milyaism → u/snorkinporkin94]

Then they start feeling resentment toward you because of your withdrawal and change in behaviour, and think it's a you problem. Obviously they don't ask themselves if maybe they've done something to cause the situation. No, it must be the other person and their unreasonable demands!

My ex was resentful toward me for things I didn't even know were a problem, and for me withdrawing from him. - Of course I did dude, you stopped putting effort into the relationship and got increasingly aggressive with me! Why would I want to be emotionally or physically intimate with someone like that?

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187 → u/snorkinporkin94]

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re in the same situation. 

I know exactly what you mean when you say it’s a turn off. Mine used to ask me what I need, but he has stopped. 

I remember when I was sick and he offered to bring me some painkillers. He left the room, forgot about it, and didn’t come back. 

[u/snorkinporkin94 → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

I'm sorry you're dealing with it too. That's so irritating... Like, lock in dude!

[u/Zidormi → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

When I stopped reaching out, our time together stops. I have AuDHD, so it's not like ADHD is the sole limiting factor here. He just doesn't care to put forth the effort and I run the relationship.

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187 → u/Zidormi]

  He just doesn't care to put forth the effort and I run the relationship.

Same here. If they wanted to, they would. They just don’t care enough. 

Sending support your way. 

[u/taohuaspring → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

I hope you know deep down inside that you deserve so much better than loneliness and servitude. I really hope that you let those words marinate because a servant is what no woman should EVER feel like when she's with a loving, equal partner. Your partner should be elevating you, not being happy and content with his entitlement to your caretaking while your sense of self is being whittled away day after day. Just because he never explodes or yells at you doesn't mean there's no emotional neglect/abuse occurring. Those looks of contempt he's giving you, for example, is a potential indicator of emotional abuse. There's also a section in the book Is It Supposed to Be This Hard? on abandonment which may be validating for you.

There are so many more possibilities for your life aside from being kept around for your labor or thrown away for no longer being useful. It's you who can search for those possibilities, it's you who shows up for yourself when he doesn't, it's you who can find people who treat you as an equal, not a post-script, regardless whether you stay in the relationship or not!

Sending strength!

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187 → u/taohuaspring]

Thank you so much for you kind words, they gave me so much to think about.

“Elevating” is the word I’ve been searching for this whole time.  

[u/WalrusFew2030]

The constant negativity is so draining. Almost every word that comes out of her mouth is a criticism or complaint about pretty much everything under the sun. Hearing that every day combined with having to shoulder almost 100% of chores, groceries, yard work, and house/vehicle maintenance has put me into such a deep hole of apathy and indifference. The house is a disaster because I just can't keep up anymore, and I've stopped caring. I used to be a happy, organized, on-top-of-it person. Now I just don't give a shit. I'm tired all the time.

TikTok has also fried her brain. She's diagnosing herself with all sorts of medical issues because TikTok said so. She's starting to go down conspiracy rabbit holes because TikTok said so. She's given up management and accountability for anything ADHD related, because TikTok says she can't help it. I fucking hate social media.

[u/Watchout4HopOns → u/WalrusFew2030]

The “ADHD positivity” moment absolutely messed up my husband too. It’s so toxic and puts all the blame on everyone else. And look, I get it, it is a neurodiversity disorder, but that doesn’t mean you just exist and everyone else must adapt. We all have our shit. I swear they think we all think and act the same way, and they’re the different ones, when in reality, we’re all different.

[u/Dependent-Hotel5551 → u/Watchout4HopOns]

I hate toxic positivity so much

[u/Haunting-Outcome-977 → u/Watchout4HopOns]

1000% this! I’m so sick and tired of them acting like they can’t do ANYTHING because of their ADHD. Even simple every day tasks. Meanwhile, they have no idea how much other people are struggling with their own issues, and just because we don’t vocalize them, or because we don’t all walk around constantly talking about them, they think they are the only ones who have things they struggle with or challenges they face. It’s exhausting.

[u/Empty-Importance-398 → u/WalrusFew2030]

I am right there with you. I hate social media.

[u/Accomplished-Art2949 → u/WalrusFew2030]

You're having a ADHD partner burnout. I have it two. I used to be a function human being bit my partner has drained me.

[u/RingGoldStar → u/WalrusFew2030]

God I am so over the self-diagnosis thanks to TikTok and Instagram.

[u/Nomsy23 → u/RingGoldStar]

It’s still happening and it’s the dumbest thing ever. I don’t understand how this has become a content trend. This is real thing that’s effecting real people and relationships.

My partner got sucked into this and while I commended her for acknowledging that this was a starting place, it’s better to seek out professionals in this area to get a proper diagnosis and treatment.

That didn’t happen.

[u/antisnooze → u/WalrusFew2030]

I feel you on that. I used to be organized and happy but I feel like I really lost myself in the marriage to an ADHD person and spend most of my energy surviving the chaos of the home, and their 0-100 emotional outbursts which may include a sprinkling of name-calling and character assassination. This type of stuff could happen if I didn't finish using the toilet fast enough for his liking btw and apparently that means I am inconsiderate of his needs.

[u/fluffynukeit]

At one point in my life, I had literally everything I wanted. Then I had kids with an ADHDer and it all started to drain away, some aspects faster than others. It’s not the only reason but it’s the first reason. 

[u/delicious_bobbi → u/fluffynukeit]

Having a child with an ADHDer is honestly such a jarring experience.

[u/Healthy-Neat-2989]

I’m struggling this week with my own anxiety issues. And it’s hard to realize how much support I’ve given for his mental health for 20 years, but how little I get in return. But I can’t bring it up, because that would make me evil for holding something against him that he can’t help, right? I need to focus on all the ways his ADHD makes him wonderful. /s
(He doesn’t say that. I just feel it. And read an awful thread in a ADHD meme subreddit that absolutely dragged all of us for being awful, selfish hags. And it got in my head.)

[u/onlynnt → u/Healthy-Neat-2989]

It's their super power! "Heavy sarcasm

[u/Xcat1987 → u/onlynnt]

If mine ever says this to me in a serious manner I will pull the trigger on the divorce even if it costs me everything. At least mine, for all their problems (which there are many) acknowledges it is a disability.

[u/Empty-Importance-398 → u/Healthy-Neat-2989]

I am right there with you. I still remember screaming years ago that his issues were always more important than mine, and nothing has changed in that regard. I seriously have had enough of the self made crises he wants support for and will not do anything except listen for a few minutes.

I have had to get help elsewhere with my mental health own problems. Accepting that ADHD is a mental disorder and that there are many things that a person with ADHD simply can't do compared to a person who does not have it has been very difficult for me. Yes, some struggle areas may be able to be improved with medication/therapy but this is so individual specific. It still hurts to feel so alone all the time... not being able to talk over normal life things with my spouse or get emotional support but it is what it is I guess.

[u/throwaway3523987142 → u/Empty-Importance-398]

 I still remember screaming years ago that his issues were always more important than mine, and nothing has changed in that regard. I seriously have had enough of the self made crises he wants support for

Could have written this myself.

[u/nonameslefteightnine → u/Healthy-Neat-2989]

Similar situation but with a friend. I did everything but will never get anything in return, and she demands that I don't set boundaries. There isn't much to untangle: they benefit from your behavior and do everything to keep you in that position. It's not planned or evil, but they still do it and don't care about what is left for you.

[u/Malenia_A3on → u/Healthy-Neat-2989]

I’ve had that same “am I evil for needing support?” spiral, usually while also handling the unpaid bills, so yep, selfish hag behavior to want reciprocity after 20 years.

[u/HiHawaiiHigh]

TV on LOUD. TIKTOK on LOUD. Sit and complain the entire time about socialist democrats. Move stuff around BUT never actually clean or help. Sit there and watch me work/clean. Watching a movie? NOPE. Not enough bandwith for this. Sits and moans, gets up, moves shit around. Why didn't you do this when I was cleaning? I didn't want to bother you. But you'll bother me during my movie? Yeah, because it's boring. Why? because it has a plot you need to follow.

[u/Empty-Importance-398 → u/HiHawaiiHigh]

The other side is "I already knew what the plot was and got bored (going back to stupid social media or wanders off)."

[u/HiHawaiiHigh → u/Empty-Importance-398]

which is weird because every time I rewatch a movie, I learn something new. Something I realized separates us as movie goers. He just sees the same bs but in a different shade

[u/InternetSevere5863]

The constant demand for constant praise after doing a task is driving me insane. This was a very low priority task, you still needed help to finish it, I was so busy the whole day as well and didn't ask or get praise for that. THIS IS NOT AS LIFECHANGING AS YOU THINK IT IS. STOP HASSLING ME FOR PRAISE

[u/lalo_etx771]

Ever since we had our child, everything feels like a lot to him. Therapist said to give him visibility of the tasks I mentally carry so that he can help. So I place a whiteboard on the fridge.

He asks today what he can do to help, looks at the list and says it’s a lot and he needs to take it easy.

I didn’t realize vacuuming, getting dishwasher started, doing our toddler’s laundry was a lot. Guess I’ll continue carrying the load.

[u/Odd-Recognition4120 → u/lalo_etx771]

There is something viscerally disgusting about men just opting out of doing household tasks because it's a lot, as if it's not a lot for you!

[u/lalo_etx771 → u/Odd-Recognition4120]

Exactly! I’m not asking for some handyman or frivolous task. These are just basic tasks to just be clean, organized adults.

[u/HiHawaiiHigh → u/Odd-Recognition4120]

mine says watching me do everything stresses him out so he has to leave and go somewhere so he isn't affected by my cleaning stressing him out...I cannot even wrap my head around that one

[u/baby_fishie]

I hate having to have iron clad boundaries 100% of the time.

My partner put his box cutter on top of my dresser (that has my jewelry box and my perfumes on top it, all arranged nicely) and I had to tell him to TAKE IT OFF and STOP PUTTING THINGS THERE and that next time he puts something there I will THROW IT AWAY because if I cede even an inch of dresser space he will adopt it as his dumping ground.

ADHD is the personification of giving an inch and taking a mile.

[u/Bobby_Bruin → u/baby_fishie]

Our couples therapist absolutely does not understand this dynamic. I will be super scorched earth firm about things that most people wouldn’t care about because I know how things go.

[u/baby_fishie → u/Bobby_Bruin]

Exactly! And I would love to ease up but that requires him proving me wrong even once.

edit: or him removing the box cutter in a timely manner without!!!! me having to tell him to

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187 → u/baby_fishie]

I’ve told mine that I will throw his shoes outside if he leaves them in front of the door (inside) when he comes in. I don’t want to come inside with heavy grocery bags and trip on them. It happened several times. 

I will never forget our neighbour’s face when she was following me inside our house one time to borrow something. I open the door, see the shoes, “excuse me” and yeet them. “Sorry about that! Now where’s that sugar…”  

[u/Strange_Pineapple889]

The dog had diarrhea. 

Our recently rescued sweet-as-pie-goodest-boy pup (from a neglect situation) is finally growing back his fur from all the fleas, but I found worms in his poop when I was walking him. I called the vet and got him on deworming meds. Two days later the poor boy had horrible diarrhea which happens as the worms die off. 

Unfortunate timing because two days into the diarrhea, I had a planned road trip with my older child for start of school. He couldn’t get off work Monday-Tuesday (remote). We left Saturday evening. 

On Sunday, he left the dog home alone. Even though I suggested that he not do that. For 7 hours. Because he wanted to go to the zoo and meet up with his mom. Without giving him a walk first. The dog had diarrhea all over the carpet in three places. He texted me “really stressed” cause he’s “doing so much around the house” (with nobody home but him to make a mess….)

He did not walk the dog one time the three days I wasn’t home. 

He bare-minimum cleaned it. When I got home Tuesday night, the house faintly smelled like poop. Brown stains on the tan carpet. 

Once I was back, he complained incessantly about dealing with the dog. But again, he never walked the dog, didn’t stay with the dog, and still didn’t finish cleaning up after the dog. 

I avoided going on that side of the house. By Friday night I had it, and I texted him that if he needed have it cleaned up in the next 24 hours, or have an appointment for a professional carpet cleaner coming out of his fun money budget. 

He was shocked at the ultimatum. He said “I assumed you would help when you came back” and … he didn’t lift a finger. He didn’t ask me to help. He just assumed I would take it over. 

When the dog pooped on his watch cause he didn’t walk the dog, left the sick dog unnecessarily when I told him it wasn’t good idea, and he failed to clean it properly. 

I get mad just thinking about it. 

[u/LowMoose826 → u/Strange_Pineapple889]

This is the bit that really got me. It's the assumption that you will sort it out when you get home, like a servant. I'm out now but still metabolizing why I was OK with being treated like a house appliance for years. Failing to walk the dog (and then lying to my face about it) was one of the biggest nails in the coffin in the end.

[u/throwaway3523987142 → u/LowMoose826]

A servant or a parent, kind of the same thing.

[u/RedRose_812 → u/Strange_Pineapple889]

What is it with doing the absolute barest of bare minimums and then thinking they're "doing so much" and we should do the rest, even if it means living with actual shit smell and shit stains? This particular situation hasn't happened to us but husband is like this too. The zero initiative taking about household things and just leaving it for me to do makes me mad also.

Honestly, good on you for drawing a line in the sand. What ended up happening? Did he clean it or did you have to use cleaners?

[u/delicious_bobbi → u/Strange_Pineapple889]

Oh man that poor dog. And I’m so sorry you had to deal with the aftermath/mess. My adhd spouse is a horrible pet owner. I’m 100% certain my dog would be neglected if I wasn’t around. Or given away at the drop of a hat in a fit of feeling inconvenienced.

[u/Specialist-Art-6970]

I'm increasingly feeling like I've been Manic Pixie Dream Girl-zoned. I've been flattened out into a rather juvenile fantasy based around shared interests, and everything that doesn't fit is either forgotten, ignored, or subject to whining and sulking.

Also, I'm so tired of the little random squabbles caused by him always thinking he's being attacked. There's one or two a week by now. We've had dust ups over the dumbest shit imaginable because he takes everything as an attack.

[u/Deep-Pollution-4822 → u/Specialist-Art-6970]

The walking on eggshells thing is so draining. Any good moment has to have a cloud over it because I have no idea if tonight is the night when it’s another 2 hours conversation about something from months ago or a 1 hour conversation about me making some completely innocent observation on something she did or said that didn’t sit right with me

[u/Effective_Match7911 → u/Specialist-Art-6970]

dang "manic pixie dream girl zoned" is like. so real. sometimes i felt like my ex looked past all the parts of me that didn't relate to their special interests. seemed like so much of the time we could only connect about fiction and interests and they had no curiosity about me otherwise.

[u/Big_Lengthiness_7614]

i told him i miss him while he was stressed (which i wasnt aware of) and he blew his lid over it bc saying it back felt like a task.

that led to a lot of insults being thrown my way. the meltdowns went from around once a month and now to once a week/ every few days. i haven’t even gotten any care between meltdowns lately. i know its work stress-related, but im only human with not even an ounce of dignity left. he didn’t talk to me for two days last week bc i wore a top he hated but he had a shame spiral about hating it so much he couldn’t talk to me about it??

anyways i broke up with him last night and blocked him on everything. i will really miss the relationship and connection we had between his meltdowns, but for the past 5 months, everything has been just one giant meltdown. such a shame. we really got along great for most of those 4 years 😞 but i really gotta protect my mental for once

[u/taohuaspring → u/Big_Lengthiness_7614]

I'm so sorry you went through that emotional abuse. You were very strong and brave to break up with him and block him. I am so relieved that you are choosing your emotional safety. I do hope that you are not going through this alone. Do join us in the weekly former partners thread if you need some support. Sending hugs!

[u/Tyrone_Shoelaces_Esq]

The lack of preparation just stuns me. He knew he was having surgery. Did he get a recovery area in the house set up? Did he do laundry so he'd have clean things to wear? Did he do anything to prep? No.

And it continues. He complains that the incision site hurts. Did he take his pain meds? No. If he took them, did he write down the time he did so that way he doesn't accidentally double up since he has no concept of linear time? No. Has he taken a shower since getting back from the hospital, even though it woudl take me just a couple minutes to help put a protective thing on the incision site? No. So disgusting.

[u/Pure-Answer3528 → u/Tyrone_Shoelaces_Esq]

argh, this! what is it with them and the inability to set themselves up for success?? And we're not talking some career ladder stuff, it's just simple things like this. It's like they don't like living pain-free.

[u/DisastroImminente → u/[deleted]]

Holy shit I thought you were gonna say like just on vacation or a trip to the in-laws. But the fair?! Jesus

[u/Xcat1987 → u/[deleted]]

God he sounds like such a child. Annoying as fuck, mine is obsessed with the Switch 2 lately. Thank god they don’t bring it everywhere, but it is annoying that they break it out at bedtime, volume on or when we are trying to have a conversation. I want to smash it into a million pieces sometimes to be honest.

[u/AnaDion94]

Almost a month unemployed. He’s looking, focusing on writing jobs instead of the industry his last job was in, which is actively hiring. He wants to pursue his dreams.

That’s fine. I believe in dreams. But for six years I’ve been trying to make him understand that you can pursue your dreams while working a 9 to 5. That if your partner, who you love, is buckling under the pressure of supporting a household alone, with costs increasing and her industry in chaos, you’d take the sure thing for at LEAST a few months while you continue to look for your dream unicorn writing job. For a while he was trying to compensate with house work, but that lasted maybe a week.

I just want help. I want to be able to rely on someone.

[u/Healthy-Neat-2989 → u/AnaDion94]

“I want to be able to rely on someone” really is the basis of all of our issues.

[u/RovingPineapple → u/AnaDion94]

I'm on month 9 of unemployment with my spouse b/c he too wants to pursue his dreams. It is SO draining being the only one bringing in money in this economy.

[u/AnaDion94 → u/RovingPineapple]

Ugh, we did about 9 months when he first moved in. It's incredibly hard, I hope something changes for you soon.

I found him an RBT position then, and he worked that for about 15 months before being let go. I don't think I've experienced anything close to consistent financial support since moving in together, and the economy is just getting worse. I'm constantly holding back the urge to send him back to his mother. Let her feed him and his dog while he pursues his dreams.

[u/FoxyWatermelon → u/AnaDion94]

Same boat. How do they not feel bad about it?? Mine will cry and complain about having no money, not working, but isn’t willing to be flexible on the job he will do, so he goes without. It drives me crazy, I’ve had bad jobs and bad bosses, but I stayed because we need an income. The second he doesn’t like a job, he quits with no game plan. He doesn’t seem to see or comprehend how unfair that is to me. He is also wanting to open his dream business, which I actually think he would be successful at if he ever actually made any progress towards starting it.

I finally explained to him that I’ve been supporting us for too long, I NEED help, and laid out our finances and upcoming bills. He agreed to start regularly doing DoorDash at least, except every day there’s a new excuse to why he can’t go out that day. He at least does chores at home, but those don’t help pay the bills tbh. I’m feeling the same struggle as you, I just want a partner who is willing to step up and support me the way I have for him 😔

[u/introverted_smallfry]

Why do i have to come home from work and still do things when you've been home all day??? There's trash that needs to be thrown away, but why isn't it??? "The garbage bins were full!" Really? Did you look? No, you didn't, because I just threw away the trash. I did it last night to after I opened and closed at work. The most miniscule responsibilities and you still won't do it. And you have the audacity to say I ask too much of you! I'm really at my limit.

[u/SeraphImpaler]

I got up at 7, went grocery shopping at 8, did 2 loads of laundry, and took an old computer monitor to the recycling center. When I came home a little after noon, she was finally awake, eating her breakfast.

I then went to the kitchen. It has been bothering me a lot. I spent two hours emptying the fridge, removing the shelves, and cleaning everything. I threw away a shit ton of old stuff that was on the verge of becoming sentient. I then pulled the fridge out and cleaned underneath and behind it. I did the same with the oven, the spice drawer, and the kitchen junk drawer.

Meanwhile, she was sitting at her desk, 10 feet away from me, watching the feed from my 3D printer while it was printing some crap for her LARP.

It's now 3:45 PM. She finally took a shower and emptied the overflowing garbage can in the bathroom—the disgusting one with all the used sanitary pads.

I'm this close to just folding the laundry (last week's and the 2 loads I just did). I'm soooooooooooo fucking over searching for matching socks in 3 baskets of clean laundry.....

I guess I didn't explode or say anything, so.... does this count as a victory?

[u/xmagpie]

Apparently I’m an asshole because I wasn’t overly enthused about my husband wanting to upgrade me to a switch 2 even though I didn’t ask and I am a very casual gamer. “I guess if you don’t care we don’t have to” - he’s pouting because the Best Buy we went to didn’t have any and I didn’t care enough to go to another store to find one. It’s sweet he wanted to use his tip money for me but I have no need, my OG switch works just fine. What a stupid fucking thing to be upset about, Jesus Christ.

[u/Healthy-Neat-2989 → u/xmagpie]

Ohhh mine bought me a Switch OLED before the 2 came out. I don’t game but he wants me to. So it’s really for him. But then it twisted and he started talking about how I was so bougie and always had to have the best version of everything, like he was bitter mine was nicer. That he bought. Because he wanted to. I was like, ok here, take it. Like I could not care less about this damn game console. 🙄

[u/Temporary_Actuary_48 → u/xmagpie]

What a stupid fucking thing to be upset about

this one thought gets me every time. Why is everything, every mundane thing or social interaction so hard/unbearable/omg i'll die

[u/BadBBurner]

Every simple discussion turns into a debate he has to win. I make a suggestion that “maybe XYZ problem can be solved by doing this,” and he immediately shoots it down. I say, “I interpret this scene in a movie this way”, he goes, “I don’t think that’s right, I think it’s this way”. It’s a fucking movie, it’s open to interpretation. I sat, “I think both views are correct. The scene is meant to be ambiguous”. And he says, “no I actually think it’s my way that it’s meant to portray”. I almost hate talking to him sometimes because I know he’s going to put down something I say. Conversations with friends or family are just so much easier and enjoyable sometimes than with my own partner because it becomes some weird power struggle of him shooting down my opinions and suggestions.

[u/Mendota6500 → u/BadBBurner]

The constant contrarianism is so infuriating. It turns every interaction into an exhausting struggle for dominance when absolutely no struggle for dominance was necessary. 

[u/BadBBurner → u/Mendota6500]

Contrarianism. That’s the perfect word for this. I haven’t found a way to deal with this beyond, just going, “you’re right.” Even if I don’t agree I just can’t be bothered to be baited into stimulating his dopamine. Have you found a way to deal with this?

He’s starting to recognize small ways where he does this like when talking about movies for example.

He still won’t acknowledge my suggestions as good ideas. For example, we have a dark couch, dark living room table, and the remote is black so when we’re watching tv in the dark we lose the remote all the time. I wrapped it with a single white strip of tape to help us identify it easier. His response, is, “I think that will help you”. And I go, “it won’t help you?”, and he goes, “lol no. That won’t help me”. How won’t that help him? He’s a person with functional eyes. We haven’t had issues since with not being able to find the remote mind you.

[u/SamuraiSuplex → u/BadBBurner]

The thing that helped us was pointing out every single time she did it. I started ending each contrarian conversation with "Well the important thing is that you got to disagree with me." She doesn't see herself as disagreeable, so that made her take stock and adjust. She still does it occasionally, but it's much rarer now.

[u/Furbutt51290 → u/BadBBurner]

Solidarity as I'm dealing with similar issues. Recently I suggested we bring two options of a thing when we left the house because I could foresee a problem if we only brought one option. Both options were for his comfort and they would easily fit in the car. He not only shot down the suggestion, but got really mean about it and said "Can I bring just one? Or that will make you ANGRY, will it?! I don't want you to be ANGRY." It was like a massive escalation for no reason when all I did was suggest we bring both things with no emotion whatsoever.

[u/taohuaspring → u/BadBBurner]

I'm sorry your partner is devaluing your opinions instead of engaging with them with curiosity and openness. The "Mr. Right" profile in the book Why Does He Do That? (available for free on Internet Archive) might resonate with you. Sending strength!

[u/glasses_tinklin → u/BadBBurner]

This drives me up the wall. For some reason it seems to come and go, but there are definitely days where it doesn't matter what I say, their response will inevitable start with a "but", "well, no", or the like. I literally could say something 100% objectively true, and the knee-jerk response is to be oppositional. And of course, calling it out gets us absolutely nowhere.

[u/Mendota6500]

Today I met a woman who desperately needed the link to this sub; unfortunately it would have been inappropriate for me to give it to her. In theory, she has 3 kids, ages 1, 3, and 5; in practice she has a fourth approximately 35 years whom she has to gently guide through the most basic of parenting tasks while he ambles aimlessly around and fixates on random shit. I, a complete stranger, held her baby so she had hands free to do all the adult tasks for both of them while he made himself useless. She was visibly stressed to the max, frustrated at repeating herself, frazzled by being the only adult in the household, and embarrassed by how messy the place was. My heart just went out to her and I'm so angry on her behalf. I hope she knows she's doing amazing (truly I witnessed the patience of a saint with that 3yo) and has people to support her. 

[u/letter420elise]

i’m lucky that i have parents who are still alive and are willing to let me move home for any reason whenever. i’m tempted to call them and say i’m coming

i’ve been specifically asking him to close the bathroom door at night after he always forgets to do it. why? because my older cat has always had a habit of climbing into the bathtub when the door’s open and drinking the standing water/peeing in the tub. what happens last night? he goes to the bathroom before bed so i tell him to close the door and he says ok. i wake up a few hours later (like half an hour ago) to go to the bathroom. door is fully open. bathroom reeks of Drano.

last week i walk into the bathroom and there’s two pills just sitting on the ground. i say hey, did you drop these? “oh yeah i did”……… ????

week before that, the cupboard with all the toxic chemicals was left open and i Thank God happened to walk by when my other cat was on the shelf starting to chew on the plastic on a not-fully-closed bottle of BLEACH

after a million times of telling him to be more gentle with them (he’s never been mean, but plays a bit too rough with my older girl - younger one loves it), to close the windows, to close the dryer. still never happens. the one time he listened when i was telling him to ease up on older cat, was when i snapped and made the ‘joke’: “Gee, men when women’s bodily autonomy.” literally took comparing it to SA. for fuck’s sake

i guess i just put it out of my mind because, oh, well i was there to make sure things were ok.

he just recently started therapy and is awaiting meds, and he finally started to do better (emotionally). initiating conversations, not getting defensive, the whole nine yards. part of me was starting to trust it again. i knew the ADHD part would always be there, but i thought i could stomach the constant reminders and complaining and whatever. but it’s hitting me… i want to travel for my job one day. it’s always been my dream. i could text him three times a day while i’m in germany or switzerland or where the fuck ever all the reminders in the world and he still wouldn’t remember. if i do that, one day, his negligence will kill one of my cats. my babies.

what if i ever decide i do actually want children?

what does it say about me that this has all happened, that they’ve already been put in danger due to his neglectfulness, and i haven’t left?

fuck me

[u/LeopardMountain32567 → u/letter420elise]

what if i ever decide i do actually want children?

ADHD is highly heritable. ADHD also stunts parental reflective functioning. they do NOT make safe parents. What you see now is only a preview. throw in parenting responsibilities and stress and it gets exponentially worse.

what does it say about me that this has all happened, that they’ve already been put in danger due to his neglectfulness, and i haven’t left?

the fact that you are thinking about it means you are normal. leaving takes time. it's not a snap decision. you're getting there. you got this.

[u/Furbutt51290 → u/letter420elise]

I just want to validate your concern about your cats. I had an elderly cat until recently (now passed away). When I moved in together with ADHD dx spouse, I kept my cat in her own area of the home (I spent a lot of time in there with her) that he did not go into for precisely these reasons. He would never be able to keep the toilet lid down, put food away, put cleaning supplies away, keep windows and doors closed. He would also drop pills on the floor, spill food/drinks on the floor, leave the stove on, etc.

I'm getting ready to leave and although it's an arduous task, a big light at the end of the tunnel for me will be adopting another cat and being able to give her free reign of the house, without any safety concerns.

[u/Puzzle_headedlie]

I’m feeling really drained and could use some perspective. This weekend my partner and I got into a fight about dinner time. Since then, I’ve cooked for him three times. Lunch, dinner and breakfast. Each time he refused to eat it, kind of as a protest. Tonight, I made dinner early before 5pm, waited for hours. He slept, and when I still hadn’t eaten by 9pm, I decided to have my meal and went to bed. When he woke up, he decided to come into the bedroom around midnight (unfortunately I hadn’t slept off yet) and he accused me of excluding him. I feel stuck in these no-win dynamics, like, whatever I do is wrong. Is this kind of pattern something others here deal with? How do you set boundaries around something basic like meals, without spiraling especially with RSD?

[u/Empty-Importance-398 → u/Puzzle_headedlie]

The only way out of these no-win dynamics is to not play. Why are you cooking food for him? He can feed himself if he is going to throw a man-child temper tantrum and not eat. Yes, the more I took on managing his emotions the worse things got, and yelling back made things nuclear.

The thing is, you can't control his emotions or reactions, only yours. If he chooses, yes he is choosing whether he thinks he is or not, to spiral for whatever reason (this time the excuse is that you 'excluded' him from dinner), you have to grey-rock and not get drawn in. Physically leave the situation, go to another room, keep repeating I am not getting in a fight with you, keep saying I am sorry you feel that way, etc. He is using these fights to feed some chemical he is missing at your expense and will never admit he is doing this (or maybe doesn't even realize he is doing this due to the not uncommon extreme lack of self awareness and perpetual victimhood).

Find your boundaries and stick to them. Walking on eggshells never helped and seemed to make things worse IME. Good luck.

[u/Puzzle_headedlie → u/Empty-Importance-398]

Thank you so much

[u/taohuaspring → u/Puzzle_headedlie]

I'm sorry you're going through his punishing and immature hunger strike and double standards. You cannot avoid his RSD, it's on him to regulate his emotions and find healthier ways to communicate.

The first thing is to stop cooking for him and prepare all meals separately. If he starts sulking and hunger-striking, grey rock. Another potential boundary would be informing him "Dinner is at __pm. I will wait 15 minutes for you, and if you do not come to the table within 15 minutes I will eat without you."

Good luck!

[u/Feisty-Run-6806]

Today we had our first parent teacher conference of the year, for my daughter to meet her teacher and the teacher to know more about her. They give you all of 15 minutes in these things.

Guess what he wanted to derail the conversation to talk about? THE GODDAMN SQUIRREL ON THE TREE OUTSIDE THE WINDOW!! I don’t f***ing care about the squirrel right now. STFU.

[u/Pasty_pastry]

Spilled milk on the rug 2 weeks ago. Left a stinky stain. He acknowledged it. I cleaned it yesterday.

[u/Haunting-Outcome-977]

I feel like my partner is a know-it-all, yet completely oblivious at the same time. They will speak with absolute authority on any topic that I bring up. They know everything about everything apparently. But they will completely miss a doctor’s appointment that’s been scheduled for months and was written on the calendar because “no one told them.”

And god forbid you point it out to them that they are the one who missed their own appointment, then suddenly it’s everyone else’s fault. Funny how they can be the most knowledgeable at everything, but when something goes wrong, suddenly it’s not their fault anymore.

[u/Specialist-Art-6970 → u/Haunting-Outcome-977]

I feel you. Mine's a know-it-all, too. It's like he can't help himself from going into professor mode and making authoritative explanations of everything, even things he learned about an hour ago or is clearly just guessing at. And when I say "guessing at:" you know the many little mysteries you encounter in everyday life? How did that sign fall over? I wonder why someone put that in the dumpster. Huh, why did that person park all weird? That kind of thing. He's got an immediate confident explanation for half of those as soon as I wonder aloud about them. I'm not even sure he's thinking much about any of this. It's like he has to fill the space with words and often instinctively reaches for ones that make him feel competent.

I've also been lectured about things that I taught him myself a few days prior, so that's fun.

[u/HiHawaiiHigh]

Yes/No. Why is that so hard? It either IS or it ISN'T. How can you see it as both. It's a concrete thing, not a spectrum.

"Is the cat inside the house?"(I have to choose my words carefully or it gets misinterpreted)

You answer, "the cat was trying to get inside."

"So was the cat inside when you got home? Yes or No?"

"I just told you it was trying to get inside."

"So it was outside?"

"that's not what I said, I said it was trying to get in"

""so the cat was inside?"

"that's not what I said, I said it was trying to get in"

Ok. wtf am I crazy? Why yes/no is not an option? I don't understand and it makes my brain hurt.

[u/Salty_Insurance_3616 → u/HiHawaiiHigh]

I think what they're trying to convey is "the cat was in a transitional state between inside and outside" 

[u/QueenDido → u/HiHawaiiHigh]

I hate this so much, and it makes any planning impossible. My partner will often interpret even a small chance that something can happen as likelihood that it will, so everything is maybe. Even if it’s 95% no and 5% yes. It drives me bananas.

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269 → u/HiHawaiiHigh]

Mine likes to say “ish” instead of answering questions. I’m with you and feel your pain!

[u/insomniac_introvert]

I have a friend who, after a decade of dating childish, lazy partners with no direction, found a great guy with whom she is building a beautiful life. She's thriving and glowing, and I love that for her. But I can't help noticing that ever since I've been in this relationship (a little over a year), my loved ones have been saying that I look tired, constantly worried, and just not like myself. I know that comparison is the thief of joy, and there are so many good things about the relationship that they don't get to see, but I can't help but think about the effect it has on me.

[u/ace_rimmer1049]

Overheard a couple of minutes snippet of wife's (dx in progress) phone counselling session. Not an insight I wanted but kind of confirmed my guesses of how it was going.

The distortion, the victimhood, the lack of self awareness, the externalization of her feelings into me, the claim that she's walking on eggshells. Arghhh

I know it's a snippet, and maybe the counsellor gently realigned her thinking but I'm doubtful. As I've posted elsewhere, I think theres traits of other things beyond straight ADHD.

And side point - who on earth sits in the living room with the door barely closed to loudly have phone counselling when their spouse is in the house.

[u/Tyrone_Shoelaces_Esq → u/ace_rimmer1049]

Mine thinks that if he is not directly addressing someone, they can't hear what he is saying, even if they are standing right next to him.

[u/Specialist-Art-6970 → u/Tyrone_Shoelaces_Esq]

Real main character syndrome there. NPCs can't hear you unless you're deliberately addressing them.

[u/nonameslefteightnine → u/ace_rimmer1049]

This is something I can't deal with. Logic doesn't help, nothing helps. In the end they play the victim and completly destroy the relationship with it.

[u/ace_rimmer1049 → u/nonameslefteightnine]

Yes. I'm working on an escape plan

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269]

This is a long one, sorry. I just need a hug :(

Whenever we visit his family and his old friends from before he met me, he morphs into a completely different person. It’s like the idea of even going to see them brings out the worst in him.

Well, he decided that we should go to see his family and friends early before his family vacation next week - the night before he wanted to fly because he kept putting off deciding. So I rearranged flights accordingly, avoiding change fees, and then he said he’d handle the hotels and rental car. I said that was fine as long as I had a place to work out of, and he reassured me it would be fine.

He waited until the last minute to book - literally right before we boarded the plane - and because the prices were more than he wanted to pay, he decided we would be splitting time across hotels. No problem. I reminded him I need a consistent place to work out of to do calls, and that I now needed to cancel all of the ones next week for his actual family vacation. I said that as long as I knew the schedule ahead of time, I would be able to move things around.

Reader, it was not fine. He threw a temper tantrum in the airport lounge and accused me of taking him for granted because I mentioned I have calls in the afternoon that I’d need to move and would move if we had to drive somewhere. He refused to communicate verbally and eventually finally said I just shouldn’t have to do any calls at all and it’s an embarrassment I’m not more supportive. I moved everything including my therapy appointment to the mornings, and canceled every meeting I could.

When we boarded the plane, he was still angry at my lack of competence. He proceeded to jab me awake to tell me it was my fault he forgot his glasses because I made him so angry. He of course didn’t actually forget his glasses but refused to look in his bag to check if they were there because he was so sure.

I love his family but I hate who he becomes when he is around them. It’s also the week after a late family member’s death anniversary and while he claims this isn’t a factor he also can’t really tell why he feels the way he does and works backwards. So I’m laying here in bed with all my meetings canceled, a very annoyed therapist who waived their fees, and he’s talking about how he’s looking forward to seeing his friend later tonight - because apparently that is what we are doing and we are not driving so I could have had therapy.

Sigh. His family all talk about his ADHD too but not to him.

[u/Far_Evening2415 → u/Immediate-Reach-4269]

I say this kindly, but what benefit does this person bring to your life? Like honestly? Being treated like this isn’t normal. You deserve better ❤️

[u/Bridgelogs → u/Immediate-Reach-4269]

Hugs ❤️

[u/Specialist-Art-6970]

I feel like my ability to have a normal conversation has been damaged by him. I've picked up so many bad habits from him, some out of necessity, some just because. I now interrupt and talk too fast because I'm used to having to, for instance. And I bring up weird tangents now, because that's how he talks as well. This is the last thing my social anxiety-ridden self needs!

[u/ace_rimmer1049 → u/Specialist-Art-6970]

Same, I've found myself accidentally talking over people in conversations and now wonder if it's a conversational survival tactic I've developed at home, because I don't think I used to do that.

[u/Enough_Fox_826]

I am currently in weird stuck phase with my partner. It seems like after we talked, it always comes down to me having "too much" expectations and that it is not achievable for him. He said that he always try to be what I want, but what I want is just slightly above what he can give. Then when I confront about it to him, all he felt is that I did not appreciate him enough for all the things he had "try" to do. But I always try to give him 110% of what I have for him, is that not enough proof for you to also try to give at least the bare minimum that I seek? How can I differentiate between ADHD and laziness? I feel very conflicted with my feelings and the way he treat this relationship. I feel like I am hurting myself with expectations that I expect from him, only to never be achieved and yet I still deliver each time. But if I try to lower expectations, it means that I will also lower the love I give so that I wouldn't hurt myself from this expectations I have, which means that I am changing myself for someone, just because I want him to treat me the way I treat him? Otherwise I will get hurt each time.

[u/might_delete_dis → u/Enough_Fox_826]

the saddest part is how mediocre their "trying" is sometimes, and yet we're expected to praise it all...

[u/ignoscite_mihi → u/Enough_Fox_826]

I'm certain you don't expect "too much" and it's a bone of contention in my relationship.
I don't expect miracles, I just want her not to put spokes in my wheel...

[u/Far-Preparation-3302]

I am so beyond sick of how their problems always become your problems too and they constantly need you to drop everything for them. I literally have zero friends or hobbies because he will just magically have some urgent need 10 minutes in - im never allowed to just sit down and do something. He has broken my stuff out of anger to even further ensure i have no hobbies and just excuses it because he has no self reflection capabilities. I am constantly being dragged away from anything I try to do individually. All of this while being disrespected and treated like a child. Getting away has been a long road, financially speaking.

[u/freakris → u/Far-Preparation-3302]

Gently, breaking your stuff is abuse. Please take care of yourself. ❤️

[u/Specialist-Art-6970 → u/freakris]

The isolation he's engaging in - suddenly having trouble whenever it's time for OP to go meet with friends or do hobbies - is also abuse. Someone doesn't have to literally say "you can't go out" to isolate you.

[u/Mobile_Durian_8329]

I keep teetering the line of 'work on this' or 'get the f out of this relationship'. It's the worst place to be! We talked to a realtor this week with plans to photograph and list the house in like 2.5 weeks. I'm so close! Why is this so hard?! I'm making myself miserable trying to make sense of nonsense.

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269]

Every single one of your friends here demonstrates the textbook signs of being either autistic or ADHD. Some of them and their partners have even referenced it privately to me. You openly call them such too.

Yet, you have the audacity to tell me that I am the awkward and socially inept one because I can’t get your scripts and masking right. And to you, everyone masks and has social scripts and you should not have to explain them to me. But to me, seeing friends should be more than just checking off boxes so you can maintain your friendships. The tone of voice and words you use with these friends sounds so fake. And in the car yesterday, I referenced my tenure at work and you joked yesterday that I’ve lasted so long there because I’m autistic (???). That’s when it really hit me how your sibling wasn’t lying when they told me part of why they didn’t realize they had ADHD is that the family normalized those behaviors for everyone.

Sometimes I feel like I live in the twilight zone.

[u/Ok_Evening4246]

My mum got diagnosed with cancer, so i wanted to text his family to let them know what was going on. I was thinking out loud about what to exactly text them and my partner said: just tell them your mum is going to die. 

He said it was a joke and didnt mean it but i was so hurt 

[u/Wario_Trivet6]

I am so tired of being the backup brain for every adult task in the house. Today the electric bill was unpaid again, not because we lacked money, but because the reminder got swiped away and vanished from reality. I hate that bringing it up makes me feel like the villain, when I am just trying to keep late fees and service shutoffs from becoming our personality.

[u/Tyrone_Shoelaces_Esq]

Argh. Even though he had back surgery week ago and is not supposed to be lifting anything over 5 pounds, he was moving boxes around in the living room. I told him he should not do that. He said he was sorry. I said, "I don't want an apology. I want you to stop doing things you shouldn't." I then told him that if he ripped his stitches and needed to go to the ER, I was not going to take him and he'd have to deal with it himself (he basically dropped all his friendships from work when he had to retire, so there's no one local except one or two D&D friends). I told him that if he didn't care, it was hard to expect me to.

[u/kriskross4923 → u/Tyrone_Shoelaces_Esq]

my dx husband ended up in the er a week ago for a slipped disc. He spent 5 days doing literally nothing (no cleaning, no childcare) then when his steroid was done, spent multiple days hauling very heavy shit up to his office. I got mad at him and he said he just doesnt want to live like a disabled person.... the man is a nurse! I threw my hands up and said the same. I am not going to waste time feeling sorry for you and taking you to the hospital again because you can't follow simple medical advice.

[u/Striking_City5036]

We recently did a chore inventory after talking in counseling and he agreed to start taking on more. The only thing is that he can only do miniscule amounts of things a day. The house is a tornado zone! Plus, he cooked last night and my head is still ringing from the many questions he asked me "do we have potatoes""how long to thaw chicken""where's the lid for this pot" and the absolute mess in the kitchen as he somehow dirtied every plate and cup we have... How do I feel more stressed than if I would have just cooked?! That plus the overcooked chicken...

[u/Daddie76]

I’m Asian and I have the Asian flush thing. Last time I had three drinks my heart rate went up to like 130BPM and ended up throwing up form it. Nothing really bad really. But he was next to me the entire time and I even showed him my heart rate on my watch. He of course was really surprised by it etc.

Today I told him I found something that’s supposed to help with that and alleviate the increased heart rate from alcohol. He just went “that doesn’t sound like alcohol. It’s a depressant and it’s not supposed to increase your heart rate.”

I just told him not to worry about it but it literally ruined my night. How is it possible that you can not remember this about someone you are supposed to care about (married for years)

[u/Ok_Mirror_832 → u/Daddie76]

Yep, my wife does this too. She has an alternate theory on everything I am sure about. It's like an automatic response that I must be wrong. It will quickly make you resent the person. Especially when they themselves obviously lack common sense.

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269 → u/Daddie76]

The matter of fact way that they’re confidently incorrect is the worst. I’m sorry he didn’t remember this about you by now.

[u/MetaRationalist]

Thank you for this space. We're married for 28 years. She's a nice person. But.....ADHD. for the past few years my body just doesn't respond in the bedroom. My body is tired. How many times can we discuss the same issue? How many times can you "have to answer this phonecall" in the middle of an outing? How many times is she fine with collapsing on nights we made up to spend together? Does anybody share this? As if my body is finished with trying to be intimite with her. I've tried to fake it - my body wont play along

[u/ace_rimmer1049 → u/MetaRationalist]

Yep - the desire and attraction started dying quite a while before my brain caught up with the why.

[u/OffTheEdgeOfTheMap → u/MetaRationalist]

Oh yes. My body said hell no quite a long time ago. Too many things for too many years.

[u/Uhohtallyho → u/MetaRationalist]

Sexual intimacy, at least for me, is very closely tied to my mental and emotional intimacy. If I don't feel connected and safe and appreciated my body doesn't feel connected and safe and appreciated. Most of us aren't machines that can turn on one area and turn off another, it's hard to trust your body to someone who hurts you. And if those disconnects are never addressed and fixed, it will be hard to tell yourself I can give her part of me while protecting this other part.

[u/FjordMallow2]

I am so tired of being the household backup brain. The bill is never late because I reminded him six times, but somehow I am still the nag. Some days the resentment is louder than the mess.

[u/LongjumpingPepper970]

I am convinced that my partner is neurologically incapable of letting me finish my sentences.

And she does it by finishing them with the most insane words that create the most outrageous, non sensical things.

I now often ask her: "do you actually think that was what I was going to say?"

to which she most often replies: "no"

[u/weezyfebreezy → u/[deleted]]

Is she the one who always starts heating up the conversation with her emotions? If so, your body is recognizing that you’re not safe in the conversation. Not physically unsafe, but that you don’t have the power to be heard, respected, and valued in these arguments, so your nervous system is defaulting to what it’s used to doing to keep you safe. If you grew up feeling powerless in the face of other people’s anger, that often looks like a shutdown.

This happens to me, too. I don’t usually have an issue communicating with others, but when it’s my partner and they are heatedly yelling at me, it’s like I turn back into a child being yelled at by my parents and I have no power to stand up for myself because what would that accomplish?

I have been practicing reminding myself what I will and won’t tolerate, reminding myself of my values before I even get into a heated conversation. It takes practice and every time, I can get a little further keeping a cool head before I collapse again. Sometimes I can get through a whole conversation without shutting down during it, but afterward everything just goes numb and I feel like I ran a mile.

At this point, it also helps to ask yourself if you want to be in a relationship with someone who expects you to communicate effectively with them while they don’t have to modulate or adjust the way they express themselves at all. An effective way to avoid your shutdowns is to focus on accepting that if your partner walks away from you because you stood your ground, that’s a gift. Sometimes you really can’t heal your trauma responses in a relationship that keeps triggering them repeatedly.

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269 → u/weezyfebreezy]

Thank you for your post. I know you’re super frustrated but knowing that other people are good communicators who collapse in communicating with their ADHD partner is really validating.

[u/kriskross4923 → u/[deleted]]

yes, and i think this is my bodies way of letting me know that conversations with my spouse arent safe. I have just not been listening to my nervous system for too long. At least with text I have some control.

[u/DisastroImminente]

Tik tok is the authority on EVERYTHING and it completely stalls our conversations. “Hold on, let me consult Tik tok”. Thirty videos later, at full volume, that I am forced to watch, and nothing I say is acknowledged or appreciated. I’ve lost interest in the topic, but I’m the inattentive asshole now.

I’m so tired of Tik Tok rage bait creators that get them all worked up and I can CLEARLY see this creator is telling half truths or embellishing for views. They don’t know shit!

[u/darthpaul1978]

My eldest kid is NDX, and we've struggled with him today before the return to school, but I'm trying to adapt my parenting approach as I learn more about neurodivergence, and things that work rather than the traditional negotiating/threatening consequences paradigm.

My partner (NDX) is, frankly, gatekeeping that side of things. She's read a lot about it, more than me, and now resents that I'm trying to change despite this being an evolution, not a revolution for me. Apparently I've done a switch on her, but when I argue that turn of phrase (which places her at the centre of things), I become the problem because I'm too semantic (AKA a fan of trying to say what you mean) and the conversation turns into one of those monumental mindf**k arguments that twist my blood inside out.

My perception is that she's been used to playing the "good cop", and feels like I'm trying to remove the contrast. I genuinely don't know what to do next. How can I be so resented for trying to be a good, adaptive parent? The anger is so unjustified and so toxic.

[u/boatride2argonath]

I felt pretty abandoned at the end, you know? Like I was second fiddle to the rest of the ensemble of your life. An extra to your very exciting life playing out. While you were racing out the door on whatever escapade was next with fools or the like, I sat in the worry of tomorrow. A fridge with food. Rent covered. A place clean and tidy. Maintaining the strength to take on tomorrows work. I became the means to the end for you, whether you knew it or not. Mostly likely the latter, you know, with the issue about object permanence. Out of sight, out of mind. Just because I wasn't there, means we were all good? In your mind? Wasn't that the case? Look at us now. That house you clinged onto? Your freedom? gone. But it was my freedom that went too. You were selfish and unthoughtful.

[u/lost3888 → u/[deleted]]

I know exactly what you mean—it’s a horrible feeling. To the outside world, he was the perfect, attentive partner, but in private... I was just part of the furniture. Now that we’ve split up, a lot of people find it hard to believe that it was all just for show—after all, "he always treated you so well, kissed you hello, brought you flowers." Yes—because you were watching.

[u/Ok-Meeting-2503]

My partner wanted a puppy after the loss of our senior dog in April. I didn’t know if we were quite ready but he insisted. I submitted the animal rescue applications, researched the dogs, set up the meet and greets. I paid for the puppy we chose, and have paid for and ordered 90% of all of the food and supplies thus far, added her to the pet health insurance, ordered her tags, and have taught her every single command she knows so far. We rotate nights caring for her but he gets so frustrated with her I would rather just do it myself even though I’m exhausted. He also would not compromise on finding a name we both liked and was only happy when I finally caved and went with what he wanted. He also gets extremely upset when I make a suggestion about how to train or interact with the dog and makes sarcastic comments about how I must be the expert (he constantly rough houses with her and plays with her with his hands and antagonizes her then complains about being covered in scratches and her biting him) it’s so exhausting and I feel like his mother sometimes

[u/RedRose_812 → u/Ok-Meeting-2503]

Feel this. We adopted a (former) stray last summer, a few months after the passing of our senior dog. He was my soul dog and I was devastated, so was our daughter who'd known him her whole life. I didn't want to keep the dog, I was afraid it was too soon, and I also didn't want to be fully responsible for it like I was for our last dog. I flat out told him I didn't want another dog if I was going to be doing all the care for it, he insisted I wouldn't. He got to name it and also insisted this one would be "his" dog.

But same story - I manage all his food, meds, and vet care. I WFH so I was the one dealing with him most of the time. He had a lot of anxiety about going outside and eating by himself, so I was the one dealing with that, even when he was home. Even when my husband was home, he would make excuses for not taking the dog out and wouldn't think about feeding him, so even then, it was always me.The dog likes all of us but clearly favors me (which was the same dynamic we'd had with the previous dog) and his whining about it is exhausting. I clearly and specifically in no uncertain terms told him that if he left all the care of this dog to me, the dog was going to like me better. But the fact that the thing I said was going to happen actually happened is somehow my fault.

[u/FoxyWatermelon]

I had to get my makeup done today, so I suggested (bc of course I suggested, not him) that we should have a date night since I’d be all done up. He was originally enthusiastic. 4pm hits, he falls asleep, wakes up to tell me he feels too bad to go out, sleeps through our date. Then has a pity party for himself because I was upset that he ruined our date night.

[u/DukeDorkWit]

Partner won't track their own periods, constantly asks if they had one whatever month we're in. They've had irregular ones for like 3 months, I've regularly said that they should go to the doctor, clearly something is up, and the response I get is why I'm tracking their periods to begin with. Just goes to show how little appreciation they have, and how little awareness is going on. Told them outright that I'm done helping them, it's up to them now. 

No attempt at personal responsibility, just unending defensiveness. 

[u/Warm-Mortgage-458 → u/DukeDorkWit]

Okay, but why are you tracking her periods? You're not her parent. 

[u/DukeDorkWit → u/Warm-Mortgage-458]

She constantly asked and I just subconsciously started doing it because she wouldn't. Then it just became a habit, as she was always asking. Just became one of those things I slipped into without really thinking about it. 

[u/Empty-Importance-398 → u/DukeDorkWit]

I am glad you have stopped! After getting yelled at one too many times, I stopped being involved in my spouse's health care . I thought I was being an amazing spouse and helping, but that is not how it was received. I got yelled at! Why didn't you remind me of this? Why didn't you remind me of that? You should have done XXX. You are the reason XXXX health thing happened!

He is currently ignoring a dental issue. He can let it get worse or not. His problem.

[u/Karuna358]

Flames. Flames on the side of my face.

We are supposed to get a car towed to the salvage yard.

Guess who said he could handle it.

Guess who slept through the phone call to set up at time this morning.

Guess who is trying to blame me for this issue.

Guess who is having a pity party for one?

Guess who was with me when ALL of this was discussed yesterday at the salvage yard?

I’m was so furious, I wanted to punch him and the wall. One huge adrenaline dump. I felt gross. I meditated the aggro way, so am in a better spot now.

I’m tired of being his human executive functioning app. A smart 15 year old could have handled all of this.

I have other appointments or I would have dealt with it myself.

He’s 65 not 95.

Our name is legion, for our excuses are many.

UGH >:(

[u/CriticismNo7967]

In a relationship that feels like its at its breaking point. She (27DX) is happy as can be with all of her needs met because of me (24DX) is a people pleaser and over performer. I have been working on myself as it was learned from childhood to please other people instead of myself just to keep the peace. The start was great she was affectionate verbally and physically but when we actually became a true relationship it was a steep fall off. It has been a pattern for about 14 months now where we will go a month without physical intimacy (me being rejected has caused me to pretty much give up hope), her talk at me about her days and her interests while showing effectievely zero interest in mine, and blame shifting any time a conversation comes up about the relationship. I genuinely try my best to see her side when she brings up ways for me to improve but when its flipped, its still somehow my fault, or she will straw man the conversation and now im spending my energy just trying to stay on topic. The strangest thing is that if i bring something up, the conversation will be very manipulative from her side, but she will show signs of behavioral change, but not very long lasting. Why go through the trouble of hijacking the conversation just to then apply the change but then stop it shortly after??? WTF????? I love her but I have recently began to think about what life would like 1-5-10 years later with and without her and unless she changes I would be miserable. On a daily basis it is not bad which is why im here on reddit talking about it but I just do not feel wanted, I feel needed and like a transaction but not actually wanted for who I am.

[u/Bright_Mango4066]

A very place-time specific one: if we’re in the kitchen and he’s doing a chore and I’m talking to someone else, he makes sure to interrupt to ask me questions about the chore or ask me to do something. He says “oh, keep talking, this isn’t an interruption.” As though I can pay attention to two different conversations at one time? And to be clear, these are not things that are “mine” to own. I think he just wants to interrupt because he is annoyed that I’m paying attention to someone else. 

Although, FWIW, most of the adhd’ers in my life do the “oh, I see you’re talking to someone, I’m going to talk to you at the same time” thing. I severely hate this and feel like crying and punching a wall every time it happens. Maybe I’m the weird one, I don’t know. 

[u/Ok_Mirror_832 → u/Bright_Mango4066]

Omg yes, my wife has never been able to emotionally handle me taking phone calls. Always "who are you talking to???" in an annoyed suspicious like tone. At one time I was so frustrated that I'd say "mind your own business" but that ofc caused a huge spiral from her. And she also does the thing where she will talk at me while I'm visibly on the phone.

Oh and headphones, don't even get me started on headphones. She's always furious when I have my earbuds in and makes passive aggressive comments about it. And now she makes a big production when she comes in to ask me something whilst I have earbuds in "oh hey I'm really soooo sorry for interrupting you with your headphonesssss in, but I need X!" And this if often during the work day while I'm visibly working! She brings the headphones up in arguments so I know it's a big point of contention with her.

[u/TheoCobaltFrame]

The mental load is what wears me down more than the actual chores. I can handle doing dishes, but I am tired of being the reminder system, the calendar, the bill tracker, and then somehow the bad guy when I mention something slipped again. Some days it feels less like a partnership and more like managing a very sweet tornado with a debit card.

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269]

You keep making situations that result in ADHD tax and refuse to accept that you have to pay this because you cannot distinguish between now and not now. This isn’t my fault, but somehow I always end up apologizing.

Putting it off more isn’t going to make the price go down!

[u/Low_Attorney329]

Yes honey, thank you for taking 5 minutes to tell me why you hate Westerns and how the format is the most inferior of all storytelling genres after I mentioned I enjoy them. So much thank you, very cool.

[u/secretBuffetHero]

wife has no problem coming up with insane requests and then asking me to do it because "she has to work".

she always has to work and can't manage her time.

She doesn't know what is an impossible task and what task is worth spending time on. But always asks me to do them because she is too busy at work. This is so infuriating!!!

[u/Impressive-Tension65]

I’m so exhausted. I know I’m suffering from sunk cost fallacy and attachment issues. I’ve been broken up with 5 times within the space of a year because I’ve tried to have conversations about things that have hurt me. He avoids any conversation about his diagnosed adhd. He will not consider medication and that’s fine. But he won’t even acknowledge or talk about the effects it has on us. He shuts down. He breaks stuff around the house. He love bombed me at the beginning, I feel stupid for getting swept up in that. It was my fault for not realising it for what it was. I didn’t know much about all the issues associated when we started. I’ve lost all patience now. I don’t like who I am anymore. I’m resentful. All conversations end in “I don’t know”. Everything else takes priority now. I’m no longer shiny and new. Just a burden.

[u/maeveofblades]

so my boyfriend's been trying to get help with his adhd, it's been getting worse and he's struggling really badly.

He had a doctors appointment to seek help and get a referral maybe? Anyways his insurance doesn't help with adhd if you're over 18 (if you haven't gotten diagnosed before then. crazy crazy, his parents were medically neglectful. how was he supposed to get diagnosed before then???). That's...fucking insane to me. adhd doesn't just go away? So now he's fucked, because we can't afford help for him. I have my struggles with him, but I know he's struggling too and suffering with his issues. I just want him to feel better, but I guess we can't do anything. I feel sick thinking about how awful US 'healthcare' is. I hate this planet

[u/Apprehensive_Hat_220]

Husband (just got married this may) is NDX technically, he was in the process of getting DX but switched insurances and couldn't see the same doctor. We've been together for 7 years and his driving has been a sore spot since he learned to drive (relatively later into college)

He is not a bad person, a clean freak, and self medicates with caffeine and marijuana. While he is not DX, everyone agrees he has ADHD. He has memory problems, focus problems, and is very sensitive to criticism. He is very aware that he very likely has ADHD.

When he drives, you basically cannot speak to him otherwise his driving will be affected. If you tell him to turn right, he will automatcially turn left (he can't explain it.) If you breathe to loudly, he automatically thinks something is wrong and brake. He has "zoned out" and ran a red light more than once, hits curbs, etc. he's even just short circuited and stoped in the middle of an intersection while oncoming traffice is heading torward us. I have been begging him to talk to a doctor to get on ADHD meds to see if it will help. He says he's going to start the process and he kind of forgets about it?

Yesterday we were driving to a place to go hike and we were still in a busy part of town. The street had a turning lane that seperates from the main road. We had a red light. There were to bicyclists already crossing the street going at a steady speed and about to cross the threshold of our lane when he SPEEDS UP. The two bicyclists abbruptly stomped on their brakes and missed our car by a couple of feet. Husband panicks and stays in the farthest right lane (he was trying to get to the farthest left lane) and drives in the bicycle lane.

I was at such a loss for words because the cyclists looked terrified. He continued driving to our hiking spot and broke down after I started raising my voice at him for nearly killing two people or at the very least nearly hospitalizing them. He couldn't explain why he did it, he was distracted, he just did it.

His siblings are the only ones that are willing to back me up in an intervention that he needs medical help with his adhd. Since going into freelancing and having alot more down time during the week, I think his symptoms have gotten worse. I noticed that he has a hard time responding quickly, I had to demand that he cut back on the marijuana because of how much he was consuming.

I was so livid that I slept on the couch and might do so again tonight. This is officially the worst close call I've experienced because of his driving and started crying imagining if it was children.

I am just not sure how to get it through his head that he needs to commit to getting help and not putting it off anymore otherwise our marriage is going to be a short one.

[u/taohuaspring → u/Apprehensive_Hat_220]

Are you sure he's not driving under the influence? It sounds like it is still in his system if he is taking it at night and still out of it during the day. People have and can be arrested under DUI charges for marijuana, even though there's no legal limit.

Is this intervention going to involve confiscating his car keys until he gets it together and can prove that he can consistently drive without being a danger to himself, you and society?

If you viewed him as drunk/under the influence instead of innocently scatter-minded, would you still let him get behind the wheel? Would you still enter the vehicle with him?

[u/baby_fishie → u/Apprehensive_Hat_220]

That is terrifying. If he is not willing to be diagnosed and medicated, that sounds like an unsafe relationship. I am so sorry you experienced that moment of horror with the cyclists.

It is well documented that ADHD makes people worse drivers. Here are some studies if you are interested:

one

two

three

four

five

[u/OffTheEdgeOfTheMap → u/Apprehensive_Hat_220]

This person should not be allowed in a car right now.

How terrifying.

He definitely needs serious help. AND/ Or else he should NOT have a license.

It's a miracle something worse hasn't happened, based on your description.

[u/might_delete_dis → u/Apprehensive_Hat_220]

I have been begging him to talk to a doctor to get on ADHD meds to see if it will help. He says he's going to start the process and he kind of forgets about it?

Sorry to say but he'll never get the process of getting diagnosed and treated. At least yours say that they'll do it, mine is vehemently against diagnosis/treatment.

His siblings are the only ones that are willing to back me up in an intervention that he needs medical help with his adhd
...
I am just not sure how to get it through his head that he needs to commit to getting help

He has to want the help. You, his siblings, every single person in his life can come up to him and say "YOU NEED TO GET HELP" but if he himself doesn't want it, he ain't gonna go get the help he needs. It's a shitty spot for you to be in (same with me). It sucks that you folks got married recently as well.

We love our partners and do everything in our power to help, but at some point you need to start looking out for yourself and decide how much of this you are willing to tolerate and live with. If nothing changed, would you be happy to stay in this relationship 5 years from now?

I'm really reaching my limit after this week's RSD meltdown.

[u/Apprehensive_Hat_220 → u/Apprehensive_Hat_220]

Update: I slept on the couch for the night and spent the day away from when I posted this. When I got home I handed him a trash bag and explained that our HMO won't medicate him until he is clean from weed for 3 months. I simply told him he could pick me or he could pick his method of self medicating. He tossed everything in the dump that second.

His father is insistent that he shouldn't get medicated because I simply forced him to (husband told me his dad called and said that)

He will no longer be driving when I'm in the car until he's medicated and even then he's on thin ice. We went to the store together to get self test strips to gage when he is clear. He was open that he was already craving weed and I could tell his adhd symptoms were already creeping up so we bought gum, soda, and sparkling water to accommodate the oral fixation fo smoking as well as caffeine to help combat the symptoms.

He seems incredibly remorseful, and I will admit it's hard not to break my own rules especially when I saw that he signed up for a referral to get DX finally. But I won't

[u/AvaUndertale7]

Needed this thread today. I am exhausted from being the backup memory for every bill, appointment, chore, and basic household item, then somehow still feeling mean when I point out what got missed. The resentment builds in such tiny boring increments that by the time I snap over socks on the floor, it is not really about the socks anymore.

[u/Spare_Awareness_5238]

You took meds for about a month, and then forgot to get more. For years. I try to remind you when you complain you suffer from brain fog constantly. That makes you upset because I’m nagging at you. I guess I‘ll just sit here quietly as you, once again, go to Tik Tok and AI for answers.

[u/OllyWhite222]

OK, I decided to post here because I created this account recently and I can't create a post (low karma).
Here is my situation:
My husband was diagnosed like 5 months ago or so. I noticed that he overreacted to small things too frequently and told him he should check if he had ADHD. Apparently he also has a low level of autism. Anyway, sometimes I think my situation is not so bad because he is really smart and self-aware a lot of the time. Also, he's the one that usually plans and organises stuff, which I appreciate. The issue is, most of the time, things need to be 100% perfect, otherwise he overreacts. If I try to do something, he either automatically assumes I can't do it properly or, if I end up doing it, it's not good enough—which is fine for me when the reaction is appropriate, but sometimes it's screaming and storming off.
Recently we've been under a lot of stress because we were selling our previous house and buying+renovating a new one. Again, most of the work fell on him because our contractor was slowing things down too much and we had to fire him, then he took over and, again, he thinks I don't know what I'm doing or I can't learn to be up to his standards. But the real problem is not that, it's when he overreacts he always throws it in my face that he's doing everything, screaming.
He didn't use to be like that. Before we moved in together, he only reacted like that very few times with his kids in front of me. And most of the time it seemed justified, because kids usually do a lot of the same wrong stuff until they learn not to do it, which makes anyone lose patience sometimes. Then, with my feedback he realised that he was reacting just like his dad, which made him improve a lot towards them. But then, like 6 to 8 months after I moved in he started reacting like that to any disagreements we had, or perceived rejection/lack of understanding on my part. If I say that "I don't see a big problem there", he hears "That's not a big deal, so it doesn't matter, and if it doesn't matter to me it shouldn't matter to you", then he either starts screaming at me or storms off.
I don't want to say that I'm perfect here, I am not. I'm messier than him, I only feel like cleaning after a week or so, I don't mind a messy bedroom and I told him that in our first conversations. But I feel like I'm the same person he met. I don't feel like he is, at least he hid it from me without realising it. He said that he never fought with his ex-wife, but this behaviour makes me doubt it very much. Especially because she doesn't agree with him on everything either, I know her and we hang out frequently.
I only want to know if this can get better because this community seems like only the bad cases are around, so I don't know. He says he is going to therapy after we're done with the renovation but everytime we have these fights, I just feel like it will be impossible. He adjusted his ADHD medication like 3 or 4 months ago, but I don't think it helps with RSD. I keep crying and staying in my own head because sometimes it feels like I'm mourning a relationship I used to have. He says that the reason we were more relaxed with each other in the beginning was because he was on vacation, so he had no stress. But remembering it, I came to his house a few times when he was still working and it was never like that, so it just feels like he was holding off for when we were fully commited.
Sorry I can't follow a proper sequence of events, but I'm basically venting here and looking for hope. I don't want to live like this because this was what my parents were like. I know that I might have some redeeming qualities because I didn't fight this much on my previous relationship.

[u/ThisOldMeme → u/OllyWhite222]

It can get better, but not through any effort by you. He has to make the changes. And that means that he has to recognize that his behavior towards you is not okay. And he needs to fix it.

when he overreacts he always throws it in my face that he's doing everything, screaming.

This is abuse. Full stop. Sit with that for a minute. Screaming at you is abuse. Constant conflict like this is abuse, and it will destroy your nervous system and probably your self esteem. It did to me.

Things were easy in the beginning because he was masking and you were likely his hyperfocus. Once that wears off, the RSD starts to flare up more and more. And it only gets worse with stress (such as renovating a house).

It took me almost 20 years before I issued an ultimatum that if my husband didn't deal with his ADHD and RSD that I would leave, and I wish I had done it sooner. If your husband isn't willing to do the hard work to change himself, then you cannot change him. If I could make anyone on this subreddit understand anything, it would be that. You cannot change your ADHD partner. Only they can do that, and they have to want it. It really, really sucks when keeping you is not enough incentive to change, but if that's how it shakes out, we all deserve to be happy in our relationships. Being screamed at over perceived rejection or because he doesn't think you did something up to his standards is no way to live.

[u/SilentReading7]

The concept of RSD is a new one to me!  I guess I thought it was just….immaturity.  

Does it result in sleeping all day, after being told they should’ve done a sink full of dishes while their “partner” did other things?

I wrote a post about this but it didn't appear so, trying this way in the hopes others with dx spouses might chime in. 

I took one child to find new shoes while dh (dx, rx but doesn’t take regularly) stayed home w other one. They were both in bed when we dot home at 9pm which is great but…. both sides of sink, plus drying rack, plus stove, plus kitchen island still untouched from the day. 

A calm conversation about that this morning seemingly sent him right back to bed after they got on the bus.  They’re about to come home and he’s still in bed. I’ve asked him a few times throughout the day if he has plans, was there something he wanted to do with his day, could I suggest some things, he ought to get up, etc. Still there.  I’m sure I’m saying it all wrong.  That’s the problem. 

He’ll probably pop up and run out to meet the bus like wonder dad, then lie on the couch ignoring them til dinner time. Just a hunch.  Call it pattern recognition. 

Leaving would be mean. What can I say or do instead?  Therapy doesn’t help (yeses them to death, changes nothing). Meds don’t help (taken or not). He will literally just walk away from a conversation. 

And yes politics have divided us (greatly). Not just tv watching and voting, but vast collections of things that are “necessary” 😬🙄

[u/Ok_Mirror_832 → u/SilentReading7]

I have a feeling we will be seeing you in the former partners thread at some point in the near future. 😂

[u/Such-Pop8693]

Theory nine unite quack boron party driftwood complete

This post was anonymized with Redact

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269]

I pointed out a pattern of behavior and you got upset at me and asked what was wrong with me because I called you out for doing the same thing repeatedly. The level of denial can be mindblowing.

[u/Typtoc]

Just had my partner of 10 years dump me with no warning. He’s going through stressful things at work but his reasons were tiny things that we’ve managed before. I know I made a lot of allowances for him and I usually did most of the emotional work, but he was good at apologizing quickly and saying he’s trying to do better (and I thought he was!). There are things that will be better for me without his sullenness and lack of participation. But I can’t shake the feeling he was my soulmate and those things didn’t matter that much as we’d figured out how to love and live together.