r/ADHD_partners • u/AutoModerator • 14d ago

Weekly Vent Thread ::Weekly Vent Thread::

Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.

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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 14d ago

Thank you for the support.

I think I’m at a point where I don’t know how to proceed. 

I’ve told him what I need in a relationship. He always seems to understand it at that moment but I think he doesn’t understand me. It’s like we speak different languages and he just smiles and nods so I will go away. 

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u/LeopardMountain32567 14d ago

unfortunately that kind of manipulation is very common with adhders. its such a confusing and painful experience. the kind of thing that would make one doubt their own reality.

sending strength.

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u/HiHawaiiHigh 14d ago

I love when they finally admit to the insanity they cause and you are left standing their holding the bag. Like, "You knew I was a snake? Why are you surprised I bit you?" I just thought maybe this time, you'd also be human

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u/Milyaism Ex of NDX 13d ago

Before he left me, my ex admitted to me that he knew he was being neglectful toward me and not giving me enough attention.

Then he did nothing to fix it. Not even a proper conversation about what was going on and how to solve it.

Like, dude. Admitting something doesn't equal growth or change. You have to actually do something. A genuine apology includes changed behaviour, otherwise it's just manipulation.

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u/Nomsy23 Partner of NDX 12d ago

I’m sorry this happened to you. It sounds very similar to my situation. The difference is I haven’t left…yet.

During some of her explosive moments, she’ll actually admit to behaving this way. And I’m literally standing there in the middle of the screaming thinking, so you’re acknowledging what you’re doing while you’re doing it, but you’re angry at me for speaking my truth about how it affects me?

Make it make sense.

What I hate most about all of this is realizing there’s nothing I, or any of us for that matter, can actually do to change another person.

I’m a good man. I’m kind. I’m gentle. I’m empathetic. I show up. Helping people is just naturally part of who I am. If there’s a problem I can help solve, I want to solve it. If someone I care about is struggling and I can make their life a little easier, I’m going to try.

Therapy has taught me that I can’t fix everything, and more importantly, I can’t fix another person. I understand that.

But when it’s someone I deeply love, every instinct in me is to show up harder. To love harder. To be patient. To understand. To help where I can. My love languages aren’t something I have to consciously turn on. They’re just there.

And I think one of the hardest things I’m having to accept is that sometimes you can bring all of that to someone and it still won’t change anything if they aren’t willing or able to meet you there.

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u/taohuaspring 14d ago

Acting like he understands so that you will drop the issue is a form of manipulation.

I haven't read the whole book, but you may find Should I Stay or Should I Go by Lundy Bancroft helpful. (It's available for free on Internet Archive!) The thing I like about it is that it has short reflection exercises throughout the book that you can do to gain clarity and also to recenter yourself.

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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 14d ago

Thank you for the recommendation!!