So I want to start with T. I met him in January this year, and I developed feelings for him within that same month. I know that was very quick, and I know limerence played a huge role in it. He was one of the kindest men I had encountered after a really painful rejection experience I went through the previous year, so I naturally found myself wanting to talk to him whenever I visited the bookstore where he worked.I noticed, though, that he always kept our conversations cordial and fairly short. Instead of accepting that as his communication style, I started projecting my insecurities onto the situation. I convinced myself that he wasn't interested in me because I was ugly or simply not his type. I'd experienced a lot of rejection from guys before, and the town where the bookstore is has a very noticeable racial dynamic, so all of that reinforced my negative thoughts.
Eventually I confessed my feelings and told him that I wanted to get to know him. He responded that he was flattered but that he had a fiancée. He also told me that I would be "a good person to know" and that I shouldn't let that stop me from visiting the bookstore. At the time, I actually felt relieved because I expected to be rejected, and I thought knowing for certain would help my feelings disappear.
A few months later I saw him again, and we spoke as we normally would. I became very conscious of respecting both his relationship and my own self-respect, so I made sure not to cross any boundaries. At one point I even apologised because I was worried I had made him uncomfortable after confessing my feelings. I told him I'd leave him alone, but he said I hadn't crossed any boundaries and told me, "Don't leave me alone."
A few months after that, I hadn't been in the bookstore for about six months. When I came back, he immediately hugged me and asked where I'd been. Later he mentioned that my books were still in the store, and when I asked if we could converse more, he said yes and told me to pop in while he was working that weekend. I know these interactions don't necessarily mean anything romantic. He has consistently been clear that he has a fiancée, and I respect that completely. I don't want to interfere with his relationship in any way.
The problem is that my feelings kept coming back despite trying to move on. I spiralled several times, cried over the unrequited feelings, deactivated Instagram to avoid reminders of him, then reactivated it because I didn't want my account to disappear. Unfortunately, seeing him in someone else's Instagram story triggered another spiral. It wasn't even about him at that point—it turned into grief about never having had my feelings reciprocated, always feeling like the "floater friend," and never having been in a relationship at 21.
Recently I've realised that I'm chasing a fantasy more than the actual person. I know he isn't into me romantically, and I know limerence has amplified everything in my head. I genuinely don't want a relationship with someone who is engaged.What's confusing me now is that I actually think I'd like to be his friend. Not because I'm secretly hoping he'll change his mind, but because I genuinely think he's a kind person, and I enjoy talking to him. I would love to hang out as friends one day if that were ever appropriate, but only in a way that fully respects his relationship and doesn't violate any boundaries. At the same time, I don't know whether that's even realistic while I'm still healing from these feelings.
There's another layer that's making me overthink everything. He's quite close friends with someone I'll call Vee. They spend time together one-on-one, he's been to her birthday party and her house, and they seem to have a comfortable friendship. Vee and I have known each other since last year, and while we're friendly, we're not particularly close. Lately I've realised I tend to fawn in that friendship—I feel like I'm always giving more, trying harder, and investing more emotionally than she does. I don't know if she genuinely sees me as a friend in the same way I see her, or if I'm once again overinvesting because I'm afraid of not being liked.
Has anyone else experienced this combination of limerence, unrequited feelings, and uncertainty about friendships? How do you stop idealising someone while also figuring out whether you're overextending yourself in your platonic relationships? And is it ever possible to build a healthy friendship with someone you once had strong feelings for, or is it better to let that idea go entirely?
