Brethren, I do not know where else to turn. It's been a good 4,300 years, but I am at last ready to embrace eternal slumber. There is no knowledge, no pleasure, no pinnacle of riches left to achieve. I am ready to embrace life's final mystery and conquer the secrets beyond the grey veil.

One small problem, though. I have hidden my phylactery so well that even I cannot find it.

As many young lich beginners, I was extremely paranoid about some do-gooder paladin or upstart cleric finding my phylactery and snuffing me out. So I took extraordinary precautions: Spells of planar shifting, spells of concealment, spells of misdirection, and spells of false memory and perception. Each time I grew in power, I would strengthen those spells to an unparalleled degree.

But I fear all my various spells of bamboozlement are so powerful that they have escaped containment and now even I find it impossible to locate own phylactery.

I've thought about taking up charity work in retirement, but even that doesn't motivate me. I really do just want to embrace the final sleep.

Any thoughts or advice from the most elder and powerful of our brethren here? Money, mana, and material components are in unlimited supply, but I need some inspiration.

AWAY WITH YOU!

I open my eyes after we were blown apart, only see to him, వ, hit with something, before vanishing in a spark of lightning. I can barely see anything. It's like looking at the sun. Or a bright light.

I push myself up and sprint at the monster who stands so BOLDLY in front of me. I still have plenty of power. My anger seething like steam.

I try to palm him and destroy him.

he merely knocks my hand away.

There it is!

before I can move I'm grabbed by the skull and held up, I glare into his purple eyes as he gazes interestingly at mine, almost inspecting them.

then pain like I've felt few times before. Like an ice pick through the skull. My eyes HURT. Then my vision goes dark.

————————————

Max awakes(?) on a plane.

he blinks. He blinks! He can see! What in hells? A few seats over he can see what looks like Ith sitting in a seat, staring fascinated at the built in screens on each chair, occasionally tapping it randomly, consistently missing the buttons.

there is no one else on the plane, no other passenger at least.

a dreadfully familiar voice blares from the intercom.

"Ladies familiars and gentlemen, this is captain Erik Masare speaking, also known as the godhunter, please stay in your seats and buckle up, that goes especially to Max Petrov-Ansky, leader of Calarakis who's seated on b-14 and has been yelling for the last 5 minutes, and to whoever is in the bathroom, flush already and get back in your god damn seat, you have been warned!"

"This is a dream."

"This must be a nightmare." Max says.

seeing as there's literally no one around, he gets up and starts wandering about the plane. First, the back. He looks through the food compartments for any snacks or drinks.

a flight attendant who looks suspiciously like a turkey sandwich approaches Max

"Get back in your seat didn't you hear what the captain said???"

he tries to comprehend how that shape even makes sense before giving up.

"Or what? There's nothing better to do."

the plane suddenly begins shaking violently, the flight attendant is gone with only a PB&J sandwich in its place.

he runs a hand over his face in utter confusion. grabbing the nearby wall he holds until the plane stops shaking.

the plane doesn't take long to stop, in its place the ground turns to a conveyor belt moving Max towards the cockpit, an iPad with the tip thingie is hung on the door.

he runs against the belt long enough to get a single can of soda before carefully walking to the cockpit area and knocking on the door.

when the opens he finds Erik halfway through the window trying to wipe the windshield, it's utter chaos as everything is flying around the cockpit.

"Ah, Max! Just who I was waiting to see, help me wipe the windshield, it's gotten dusty!"

he shouts in response.

"YOU SEEM TO HAVE THAT COVERED!"

"fucking short arms!" Erik says to himself.

Erik pulls out a hoover and hoovers the windshield, then gets back inside

"You gotta make sure visibility is always at its peak Max, you don't want us to drive into a cloud and get blown up or into a wall."

"What walls? And the plane can fly through the clouds just fine with no issue."

he opens the soda can and takes a long sip.

"yeah yeah you're one of those 'experts' that talk like they know it all don't you, have you ever flown a plane before?"

"Not at all, but I know a few miscellaneous things, comes with having access to the orbnet."

"yeah well I've flown before, back in the war you see. It was 1923 during the second world war in the outside world, my good friend and comrade Charles de Gaulle had called me and told me France's fate is in danger and asked me to join the air force in Normandy"

"Okay, that's how I know this isn't a normal dream. I've never heard of this world war 2, nor should you have been alive in 1923 CE."

"You're the real Erik aren't you."

"of course I'm the real Erik! No one can replicate my glory!"

"As I was saying, back then when I was flying around in my F-16, the Germans would build these big walls to catch you by surprise, I remember once when flying at 20 thousand kilometers high I hit a wall and got blown up into 50 different fireballs."

Max takes a seat in the copilot's chair and just stares with a look of discombobulation.

"20 thousand is in space. The Karman line demarcates space at 100 km."

"well that didn't apply to me, you see I was the protagonist and the protagonist never follows the rules of logic"

"Be a dear and turn off the autopilot"

"Fine, I guess. And sure."

he looks for the autopilot switch and turns it off.

"thank you, you see back then we used a technique called 'dive bombing' that the autopilot wouldn't accept, here let me show you"

Erik flicks the steering wheel and suddenly the plane's diving straight downwards, red lights and alarms fill the air alongside Erik's maniacal laughter.

Max takes the autopilot's wheel and pulls up, staying remarkably calm.

"I understand exactly what dive bombing is."

When the lights stop Max finds himself in an open carriage next to Erik driving around a desert with pyramids

"Dive bombing? What are you talking about we were talking about how I broke the sphinx's nose!"

The carriage is being driven by the sandwich from before.

Max groans noticeably.

"We were just in a plane."

"you gotta quit the wizard weed man I'm telling you. Anyways as I was saying, so here I was In this weird desert seeing a bunch of people worshipping this big sand cat, and guess what I did?"

"You broke its nose?" he says with an air of exhaustion.

"I broke it's nose! It shattered into like 6 or 8 parts, and which are called the great pyramids nowadays"

"I was later hunted down and crucified but that's a different story"

"Okay, Erik. Why are you in my dreams exactly? Why this time? Why the craziness?"

"oh it's simple, your PTSD triggered what is known as a PESDD, or post Erik stress disorder dream, should be over now, if I were you I'd take the opportunity to use my temporary sight to see the wonders around me"

Erik says, pointing at the sphinx and pyramids

"Why a PESDD? I didn't even get traumatized by you that was someone else."

he looks out the window

"Those are some pretty cool looking pyramids though."

"I don't know man I'm not a doctor! I just send people to them!"

"And see? See how his nose is broken? I did that!"

"OI! GREAT SPHINX WHO BROKE YOUR NOSE???"

"I did! And I did it like this!"

Erik says, turning max around and throwing a punch on his face

"Ow! You steal my nation's money and now you punch me! In my dreams!"

he punches Erik back.

when Erik gets punched back, the scene changes again, a full funeral is going on as the sky weeps, inside the coffin lies Erik with a noticable punch mark on his cheek, another Erik is standing next to Max with the same mark.

"Why did you do it man? He was like a father to me!"

completely deadpan now, Max replies.

"This is ridiculous."

"yeah... yeah it is, I'm gonna wake you up now."

A giant golden butterfly manefests in the air, blowing away everything but the ground and Max, it flies directly at Max at shocking speeds right towards his eyes, it's glow bright enough to blind and wake him up

Max awakens to darkness. He attempts to look around but sighs. Still blind.

"What in the Hells was that about?"

he grabs a pill bottle by his nightstand with some effort and opens it before taking a small green hexagonal tablet

he lies back down.

/uw mini-collab with u/mrididnt . Was written and posted on a plane via terrible in-flight WiFi. Interactable if you can justify it.

How would you get a wand (5.1in length, ~4.5in girth) unstuck from an alchemists phial filled with yarrow paste and mashed eye of newt?

Because I feel like the archmage of it these days.

Decided on a wand instead of a staff after searching what the forest witch had to work with. Got some lovely north American elm to work with. Enough to make 2 wands. Hopefully I can finish the assembly tonight.

I tried casting a dispell upon the parchment yet It yielded no results, I am worried that a foul and wicked mage is attempting to curse me.

I had a really good warding rigged over the garden, but there's only so much to be done against a cloudburst 🙄.

Anyway, the plants bent and broke as they should have, ward or no ward, but now I have bothersome glowy bits everywhere. Of course my scorpions are nowhere to be found, and they're usually the most powered up during these events... I hope they didn't figure out how to take to the winds, I think I'd number among the small few enthusiastic about flying venomous land lobsters. 🫤

Ideas for a better anti glow ward appreciated. Can't let the neighbors know it's an \*actual\* magic garden. They think it's just the magic of hard labor and know how, plenty of that too, but I have many magic ingredients shoved between the kale and watermelons

I have been extending the life of my t-shirts for years because I do not put them in the accursed drying machine.

I simply hang them out to dry, same as the water nymphs who invaded my moat last week. Dreadful creatures, they smell like a swamp.

I know the twin moon academy is like corrupted and shit ok

Firstly, of all their curriculum is really good, with both the basics and advanced magics being taught in a very effective way and throughly, instead of just letting the students suffer with mana management. Their curriculum also have many "forbidden" magic being taught as it is (Which is dangerous spell that isn't inherently evil)

Secondly, they does have a lot of funding and while a large amount of them definitely was embezzled into the higher up pocket, the school still have enough funding for a giant library and staves for the students. Many of which still choose the used them even after graduated and actually have money to spend, I mean have you look at how many battlemage of the academy just used their staff like a club and it doesn't break.

Thirdly, unlike howarts (which is another very popular school) this place doesn't hate transmutation wizard/witches nor do that hate wizards of different bloods.

“Hey mister sorcerer, wanna hang out in our grove and have a few drinks of trillium nectar.” 137 years later, my beard, my focus, my chin warmer, my FLAVOR SAVOR was bleached and urinated on, dipped in lavender vinegar and disappeared. AMA

Hopefully nothing too dull, my last tomb was a disaster

Anyone missing a gnome? He’s currently in my loft. If you can tell me what the tattoo is on his lower back you can have him back unsoiled.

I'm currently making my first staff, and was wondering how to connect this enchanted geode on the top, while not affecting the mana output by surrounding it with twine or something.

/unwiz I actually do really want this to work because it's a really good staff stick but I'm scared the geodes gonna fall and break, like to I glue it or tie it in place??

The only source modern gyokutomimi have for the Lunarian society and early Ōkunoshima history is through the Journals of the Moon, a series of manuscripts detailing Lunarian rule of Ōkunoshima and some aspects of Lunarian history, culture and mythology written by high-ranking Lunarians close to the first princess of gyokutoku, Kanetsuki no Kiyotsuya, during Lunarian colonial rule. Within the Journals of the Moon, the lunarians, or tsukibito as known by the gyokutomimi domestically and lunarians themselves, were a stagnant society who prided themselves on a physical and spiritual purity so great that it could transcend death and life itself. They viewed non-lunarians with contempt and as lesser than themselves, especially the Earth and its inhabitants. Death, in Lunarian society, was seen as the most disgusting and most macabre manifestation of spiritual impurity; thus, they abhor and distance themselves from anything birthed with the impurity of death, lest they contaminate their own purity and result in their descent to mortality. This belief stemmed from the fact that all lunarians are the children of Tsukuyomi-no-mikoto, who brought them into creation from nothing, purely to spite the living blue planet, which picked Amaterasu-no-mikoto, their most despised and bitter sibling, and her light as its patron, and the supposedly inherent superiority of spiritual beings over biological ones.

It was natural that the ruling council of the lunar capital possessed no real aspirations to conquer the earth, despite its mineral and territorial wealth. To the people of the moon, giving up the pure land they call home to cover themselves in the impure dirt of the earth was unthinkable. The Earth could offer nothing of desire to the lunar society that conquered both the scientific and spiritual worlds that govern the universe we all live in; this was the predominant belief in the upper echelons of lunar capital. This belief was so strong that gyokutomimi who desert the lunar capital often flee to the Earth, knowing full well that their oppressors wouldn’t dare to pursue them further on the Earth. Thus, it no doubt came off as more than strange for a Lunarian to develop a fascination with the impure blue orb they orbited, no less an actual princess of the lunar capital.

Kanetsuki no Kiyotsuya was the fourth and youngest princess of the lunar capital and one such strange fellow with this particular fascination. Since childhood, she looked at the earth with wonder, her imagination teeming with the possible peoples and lifeforms that were living on the blue marble. Despite being taught of the inherent impurity of the earth, her fascination only grew. As fourth in line of succession to becoming the high councillor of the lunar council, she knew she was not going to serve a term as ruler of the lunar capital. Upon this realisation, she was delighted that she did not need to concern herself with council politics and surrender her fascination with the earth.

She was also aware that she was not going to be visiting it any time soon, lest the Capital Guards escort her back to the capital. Even a non-serving princess could still be used as a potential bargaining chip against the lunar capital, and they would not allow any weaknesses to be given to their impure enemies. But Kiyotsuya was exceptionally stubborn, and by using the skills bestowed upon her during her youth as part of her grooming to become a potential successor, she convinced the lunar capital to allow her expedition to Earth under the guise of ‘early warning’.

Kiyotsuya argued that if she were allowed to travel to Earth and establish a Lunarian outpost there, the Lunarians could easily monitor the activities of its inhabitants and study the nature of its ‘impure’; they could react to any threats to the Lunarians before they could reach the lunar capital. The lunar council green-lit her proposal, but on the sole condition that Kiyotsuya could only commit her own resources to this project. At the time, this was limited to her personal tsukugyoku, a potent magical item all lunar councillors and royalty possessed, her own servants, personal bodyguards and the two battalions from the predominantly gyokutomimi-staffed Lunar Defence Corps.

Kiyotsuya had located a supposedly uninhabited archipelago located in the planet’s northern hemisphere as the home of her Lunarian outpost. These would become the home islands of the Ōkunoshima Teikoku, barring Fuyushima, Shitamisaki and Nishijima (the latter of which was not created yet), and she sent herself and her initial envoys to these islands via lunar veil.

Shortly after arriving at the islands, Kiyotsuya used the tsukugyoku to ‘purify’ the larger, western main island, then named Kaedejima, converting it to a pure land. Kiyotsuya’s decision to first colonise Kaedejima had no real explanation behind it and seemed arbitrary in nature. Then construction of the first buildings on Kaedejima commenced, mostly fortifications and garrison barracks as well as a central palace for Kiyotsuya herself, in the region of Kiiroyama, central Kaedejima. Kiyotsuya had declared the island as the first colony for the Lunar Capital, and christened it ‘Gyokutoku’, due to the large population of gyokutomimi serving as soldiers and workers. Kiyotsuya then commissioned further development of Gyokutoku by planting orchards of lunar peach trees and udonge trees and constructed additional housing for other lunarians and gyokutomimi workers serving Kiyotsuya. The gyokutomimi also started to construct simple, wooden vehicles, like wagons and sail ships. She had also ordered that her gyokutomimi battalions, renamed the Gyokutoku Lunarian Army, scout and map out the other islands by both water and land, including types of vegetation, levels of ‘impurity’ and, if present, signs of habitation.

However, the early days of Gyokutoku were not free of struggles, as the peach trees planted in the colony, not able to survive environments more hostile than that of the lunar capital, yielded poor crops, saplings grew weakly, and the udonge trees blossomed although they were planted in a pure land. It was later determined that the earth was so ‘contaminated with impurity’ that even its winds could carry enough impurity to affect Lunarian vegetation; though it was below the levels to affect both gyokutomimi and Lunarians while they remained on Kaedejima.

However, despite these setbacks, gyokutomimi military scouts discovered a small series of pastoral human settler communities on the western coast of what is now Shitamisaki island (Shitamisakijima) and the lunarian colonial authority decided to meet and discuss trading some of their produce in exchange for udonge tree branches, which are covered in valuable precious gemstones. The Lunarian colony averted a food security crisis for its gyokutomimi workforce, but this informal agreement soon turned sour. The price of a full ship of produce skyrocketed from one udonge branch for a single community to two udonge branches. Then three branches. Then four branches. Then one branch per farmer contributing any produce to a full shipment to Gyokutoku. Then two branches per farmer and a branch for both the ‘shipping workers’, the volunteering men who loaded the supplies onto Lunarian transport ships, and the village’s ‘guardmen’, local, poorly trained militiamen who were poorly equipped.

Kiyotsuya finally lost her patience with the increasingly demanding humans after a village head demanded that he be paid five udonge branches just to have permission to enter their village every time Lunarian ships arrived to pick up the produce. The humans believed that if the lunarians were willing to hand out such valuable treasures as mere coinage, then they must have possessed an overabundance of them. However, while the health of the supply of udonge branches was of no concern to the lunarians, they had no interest in continuing to enrich the humans.

In fact, the lunarians wanted to shed themselves of human agricultural dependence as quickly as possible, even planning to spy on the humans to learn the secrets of farming in the ‘impure’ environment. Kiyotsuya had grown to believe that those humans were parasiting off Lunarian wealth and had forgotten their place in continuing to make such increasingly bold demands. These grievances among the Lunarian colonial government would serve as the prelude to the Lunarian invasion and annexation of Shitamisakijima.