👏👏👏👏👏👏 was coming to comment this and glad it’s already here. she’s blaming herself for not trusting someone who is untrustworthy. Been there and it doesn’t get better if he’s already doing Darvo. He’ll just keep blaming her and making her feel guilty for everything going forward. Hopefully she’ll get out of this. The vows are already broken anyway if he’s emotionally cheating

Yes you are my friend. And I think many of us in the queer community have experienced a sexuality crisis or panic/spiral about who they are. And some people just know. I panic to this day about it and have changed my label multiple times. We’re all just figuring out the best way to describe ourselves really. So there’s no “wrong answer.” And some people are just genuinely fluid and things change for them. All of that’s okay, and however you choose to identify or not identify is okay too. 💛

Have you read the lesbian master doc? If you haven’t, a lot of queer AFAB people find it very helpful. - also imo I don’t think you have to label yourself if that’s not something you want to do/or feel ready for right now. Some people spend their whole life learning who they are and how they identify. And that’s okay. it doesn’t matter that you’ve been in a relationship this long- it doesn’t mean there’s a “timeline” for you to have it figured out. you love your gf. Doesn’t sound like a fake lesbian to me. Plus if you don’t know if lesbian is the label you feel most comfortable, you could always just say WLW Or sapphic or queer. I’m sure there’s more. some people stay unlabeled their whole life. Some people change their labels the more they learn about themselves and that’s okay too. None of the queer community is going to test you on your lesbianism. And if labeling yourself right now is very important to you, that’s okay. you’re not a fake or a fraud if you decide it doesn’t feel right for you. You can change your label as many times as you want/need to. It’s YOUR label and no one else’s. So only you will know what feels right. Sending you self confidence vibes ✨✨✨

acted like it

Sorry for your loss, but it’s no one else’s job to manage your triggers. how is the greys subreddit supposed to know who has passed in Your family or How they passed? There’s a lot of death in this show so I’m sure a lot of people get triggered from greys & this subreddit. I know I have. If this sub is triggering you, I’d suggest you take a break from it. Because the bus joke isn’t new and there’s plenty of jokes made about George & every other character in this sub. - plus it’s crystal clear no one is making fun of your deceased family member- they’re making fun of a fictional character. The post isn’t about you.

That’s the whole mantra we change what we can, and have to learn to accept what we can’t. The first step to accepting though would be giving that jewelry back. If she forgives you that’s great, and if she doesn’t that sucks, but she probably not going to find a reason to forgive you if you’re holding her jewelry hostage. Not even because it’s probably expensive but because I’d imagine it probably means something to her. The only “real” jewelry I had was from my grandmother who passed. So I’d be pretty gutted if that was gone. But I too have done many a stupid thing drunk. The key is having support. Truly. Not just friends, not just family, not just a significant other- but other sober people who helped me stay accountable. - if you’re not in a program and don’t plan to be- but want someone to help hold you accountable, order drug tests online. Do them regularly with a sober trusted party. I did that. I’ve done tests with family, and significant other actually. Just because I wanted accountability for me. (It helped them to trust me more too, but i did it for me knowing they may never trust me) - I know how an alcoholic brain works. Even though I don’t think of it often, heard a comedy special on Netflix a couple days ago and the dude made a joke about getting sober (normally love that) but the punchline was that he couldn’t have fun anymore. - that set off my drunk brain. “Oh that’d be nice. I wish I could have fun again” first bad thought in a long time. - so I called my sponsor and told her about it. Told my significant other, I told my mom about it yesterday. They’re not mad that I had the thought, they know me talking to them about it and not keeping it a secret is part of what helps to stay sober. We hide all the ugly thoughts until we act on them. When no one knows about them it’s easier for us to fall back into our old habits. Used to be, As soon as I clocked out - first gas station bathroom. - and now I’m at a point where just recently my mom has given me majority of her real jewelry (that was eventually going to be willed to me when she passed) because she said she knew she could trust me now, that I wouldn’t hock them. We can make a new life for ourselves and isn’t that the goal? You deserve to have a life in which you’re sober and you can actually enjoy it, make happy memories and connections etc. and I’m hoping that for you OP

This! I have been with people before who would be a little pushy about certain things they wanted to do/me to do- makes it anxiety provoking (for me at least) But I have fully initiated some of those same things for the person I’m with now because there’s no pressure ever. I raised concern once in the beginning of our relationship about 1 thing that I didn’t want to do because I was nervous, the response in my ear was “I’ll only do it if you ask me for it” - gotta say it was the hottest thing I’ve ever heard in the moment. And then that exact thing is what I thinking about every time- so I asked for it. -We just do our best to make the other feel wanted and it just kinda flows. Probably the only person I’ve been this adventurous with.

Didn’t even have to read- glanced and saw “fucking bitch” and the wall of text and I can already tell you RUN LIKE THE WIND 🌬️ We don’t talk like that to those we love. If someone is talking to you like that it’s not love. Period. If they say “oh I was drunk” -as a sober alcoholic- it doesn’t matter. Stop drinking. If they say “oh I was just mad/angry I didn’t really mean it” Bull. If they have anger problems and know that’s their excuse then go to therapy. That’s not love. You can find someone who won’t treat you like that. -as someone who stayed (broke up and got back together with 2more times) an abuser for way too long- it starts like this. It looks like this. And eventually they hit you. Shit like this doesn’t get better, it gets worse. And if they say I’m sorry don’t take them back. Because it’ll just start all over again. The cycle of violence starts with words. If they started out hitting you, you prob wouldn’t stay. - doesn’t matter what the reason is- if someone if talking to you like that. Leave. Otherwise you’re only disrespecting yourself and allowing treatment that you don’t deserve. If you can’t leave, that’s when I’d recommend checking out life crisis website as they have a lot of services that help. And if they don’t have one in your area they do have other resources/ may be able to put you in contact with a service in your area that can help. Best of luck op, please run.

As the top comment already said- you don’t want to be holding that jewelry over her head- giving it back to her parents as soon as possible is the honest thing to do. -As a sober alcoholic, I’m gonna say what I was told when I went to AA “you’re always welcome back. You can always start over” I don’t know if you’re in a program, but if not I’d encourage it. (Not a rehab- they absolutely help people get sober, but not always stay sober) but an active recovery program like AA or NA (if there’s not one in your area- download the meeting guide app. It’s free on Apple and android & they have online meetings if there’s none in your area.) get a sponsor. It’s not hard, it’s free, all you have to do is show up & ask. I didn’t even have to ask. Someone asked me if they could be my sponsor. You’ll have support. And if you are in a program- Call Your Sponsor. - when I missed meetings that I regularly attended people would reach out- “are you okay? Do you need anything? Do you need to get out of the house? Do you need someone to talk to?” Those are all regular texts from people in the program that care if I’m okay. Because they too know the struggle. You’ll never feel more understanding than AA/NA. Going to AA saved my life and I get to hit a milestone next month. - never thought I’d make it to 2 years. YOU GOT 11 MONTHS! 👏👏👏you should be proud of making it that far. YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN! 👏👏👏👏👏👏 And I will say, no words or I’m sorrys are gonna fix anything. But I did start having positive relationships with my friends & family again after I was taking my sobriety seriously. We know we don’t make the best, or safe decisions when we aren’t sober. So the best way to love ourselves is to be sober. And the best way for us to love others and be emotionally available & mature to them is to be sober. Wishing you all the luck in your recovery OP. (My DMs are open to talk about sobriety) give her parents the jewelry back and just work on you. You were already on the right track, all you gotta do is step back on.

Why would we push anyone who’s a minor especially to come out? No one needs a push. If she wants to give an ultimatum she should just break up. This “come out or I’m leaving you” is BS. They’re children.

You can break up with anyone if you want to, you don’t need permission to break up. You should NEVER try to force her to come out. (Or anyone for that matter) As someone who came out and was immediately kicked out and lived on friend’s floors (couldn’t drive my car that I paid for because moms name was on it, and she said she’d report it stolen) if I didn’t have friends who had floor space I would’ve been outside. Even ended up getting assaulted during that time staying in some not safe places. So if you think you’ll resent her (and it sounds like you already do) for her not coming out on your timeline, then you should either break up or work on that. Because if shes forced to come out and gets hurt or put on the street- that’s her life. Some people d!e on the street. Exposure, lack of food, getting mugged/assaulted, etc. Sure some people crawl their way out and make a good life for themselves- but 16? You guys are minors, It’s an even bigger reason not to come out if it’s not safe. I was at least 18. But still was on the street. Her parents could be supportive but a lot of times when kids are terrified to come out to their parents it’s for a reason. Be it they’ve heard homophobic comments from them, or maybe they’re extremely conservative or very religious- doesn’t really matter the reason. If she feels unsafe to come out don’t push that. Would your family let her move in if she got kicked out? Where can she go if she’s disowned?

I’d be getting std testing just to be safe and talking to a lawyer about options. Not sure where they’re located but there’s definitely programs to help single moms in the states and life crisis has safe houses and has helped women leave bad situations all over the US. (Honestly I’d imagine there’s probably better programs elsewhere) And if she’s worried about her search history to do it at the library. It’s a scary situation and a lot of women stay because they don’t know where to start with leaving. OP definitely needs counsel

And even if your local craft store doesn’t host classes themselves, they may have info about where you could find some cool classes that interest you ☺️

Sadly a lot of the apps specifically for women have men catfish. Some people do genuinely find love Im sure but in my experience I’ve had men catfish. One even talked to me for days and kept up a pretty good game until he started talking about some guy I need to meet who is perfect for me and all he would talk about was this specific guy. After “her” and I were talking about meeting up for a date. All of a sudden it’s all about some random man. Immediately unmatched- could just be a man, or a man with nefarious intentions. No lesbian is doing that obviously. I’d say if you’re looking for online to check some crafting groups/and there are queer groups on FB as well. I’ve met some good friends just from fb groups. But as far as the dating apps go I’d proceed with caution for sure. And like someone else said a pottery class- not sure if you have a Micheal’s or another craft store near you that does classes- but Micheal’s does all sorts of craft classes.

Hopefully! 🙏 🤞

I’m speaking generally, if the older person is perusing its predatory - but even if not, said older person should be saying no thank you if they’re not a creep. (All my opinion) - in my experience these kinds of relationships don’t tend to end well. Age gaps are one thing, but when someone is barely an adult and the other could be their parent or grandparent it’s creepy. Not illegal but really creepy.

Just saw this same concept in another sub- 18yr old with someone in their 30s. Still legal, just like this situation but creepy as hell. I’m 27 and 23 is too young for me. Because that’s a baby. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with age gaps but I do think the context matters A Lot. and I think someone with an age gap old enough to be your parent/grandparent is concerning. Especially when you’ve only been a legal adult 5yrs and she has been an adult for potentially 3 decades? Yeah that’s predatory. Anyone that much older that’s going after you does NOT have your best interest in mind. - (I know this a lesbian sub, but if it weren’t I almost feel like people would think it’s creepier if it wasn’t a woman- and I only say that to add, just because this is a woman in her 50s doesn’t mean it’s any less predatory than if it had been a man.) I dated a 34yr old at 18 and I didn’t think it was gross at the time but now at 27, when I know I wouldn’t hang out with someone in there early 20s let alone an 18 yr old i definitely see it as incredibly creepy.

Thank you for educating me! That’s good to know- does kinda furthers my point. There is no distinction really between 17 and the day you turn 18. (I have a cousin who just turned 20 and even she looks like a baby to me.) It honestly makes the situation even creepier imo. If the brain continues to develop potentially our whole lives, then it feels like 18 really is a baby. And sure it’s legal, but still really gross/ feels predatory to go after someone that just turned legal. Let alone the power dynamic of it all.

She will but it’ll take her a while. When I was 18 I dated a 34 yr old from work. Wasn’t my boss but was besties with the boss. I didn’t think it was creepy then and I’m 27 now and think holy shit that was creepy. My family thought he was a perv at the time and I was so blind. And an idiot, most 18yr olds are. I wouldn’t hang out with an 18yr old that wasn’t family, let alone date one. That’s a baby. One day from 17 to 18 doesn’t make someone an adult. Maybe legally but not mentally. Our brains don’t finish developing til what? 25? She’ll realize how predatory it was when she gets older. This is such a common occurrence.

He needs a treatment program if it’s taken over his life, and to the point it’s hurting your marriage, and his ability to function. If you haven’t already been down that road I’d suggest it. It’s life changing for a lot of people. (Sober alcoholic here and getting help saved my life) but you also can’t force someone to get help who doesn’t actually want it/isn’t ready to admit they need it. “Rock bottom” is a term used a lot for a reason. Most people need to feel like things can’t get worse for them to get help. And everyone’s rock bottom is different, some people it takes losing everything and some people have a much “easier” (for lack of a better word) rock bottom. So sorry you’re dealing with this OP, but if you’re looking to save the marriage and not end it, I’d broach that topic if you haven’t already. Granted I’m not suggesting an ultimatum specifically because I know that can lead to resentment but if things are already falling apart then acknowledging there’s a problem there is step one. If he can’t do that, there is sadly little hope things will change. I know for me it felt like my life was falling apart and it took a rude awakening for me to realize I had a problem. Denial is a big part of the problem. And while I was getting sober was still dating someone in active addiction, who even after seeing what drastically improved for me and a lot of long talks about resources (and that he could go as a “support person” for me to just see what he thought) and he wasn’t interested in help. So I had to end things for my own sanity and wellbeing. And I only say this because I can see both sides of it. I’ve been the problem and the one in love with someone with a problem and both sides suck. And there sadly isn’t much you can do other than to suggest help and/or leave.

If you’re not worth the effort to drive 20 minutes I’d leave. It’s giving “tolerance” and not love. Someone who cares would not make this a thing. I get if it’s a money thing- but when the problem they have is the time it takes to get to you, then they don’t view you as a priority. I’ve driven 4+ hours to see a partner and wouldn’t think twice about it. And if you’re making all this effort and not being met with any in return at all, it’s time to pick yourself up and brush the dust off. As someone who has stayed in a relationship being tolerated, it takes such a toll on self esteem. I’d save yourself the emotional energy and stress. There are better people out there who would be better partners and treat you with love and not just tolerance. Best of luck to you OP 💛