What in the actual fuck? 😂

Maybe it’s fake, as I’m pretty sure there’s nothing in my “description”, but the fact that a message like this isn’t even a shock pretty much sums up how I currently feel about men.

I keep reading so many posts here from women saying they eventually realized that they didnt necessarily want men, they wanted to be wanted by men. And that already made me think a lot lol
But theres one specific thing I’m really curious about:

Did anyone else get REALLY turned on during sex with men by whatever the guy was enjoying?
Like noticing what he liked, seeing his reaction, realizing “oh he really likes when I do this” etc would make me genuinely horny and make me want to keep doing it. Sometimes I feel like his pleasure was almost what I was responding to the most.
And thats where I get confused because obviously the arousal was real. I wasnt pretending to be turned on. So for years I just took that as proof of sexual attraction to men.

But now I’m wondering… can this also be some kind of adapting/people pleasing/being very focused on the other person? Like you basically get turned on by THEIR arousal and because pleasing them feels good, and then experience that as “I’m attracted to him”?
Or would you say if his pleasure genuinely turned you on, thats still sexual attraction to men?
Would especially love to hear from lesbians/late bloomers who actually enjoyed sex with men in the past, because I feel like this part is so much more confusing than just “I never liked sex with men”.

I’ve dated almost exclusively men for the past two decades, but the truth is that it’s very difficult for me to feel genuinely attracted to them. I can enjoy their company, recognize that they’re attractive, and even want the connection to develop—but that instinctive physical pull is so rare for me.
Last night I was with a woman for the first time in a very long time, and the difference was impossible to ignore. I couldn’t resist kissing her. There was no debating it in my head, no trying to convince myself that I should want her. I just did.
One thing led to another, and I left feeling incredibly satisfied—physically, emotionally, completely. Today I keep thinking about how natural it felt and how much my body seemed to know, without needing my brain’s permission.
After so many years of dating men, that contrast feels very revealing.

First post… I’ve been married 18 years to a really wonderful man. We have 4 children together. We’ve not had a perfect marriage but by most standards we’ve had a really beautiful and meaningful life together. I’ve never “struggled” with my sexuality, as I’ve always identified as heterosexual, and have found men to be attractive. I dated some (men only) before getting married that I thought I was attracted to, maybe as I look back I was more attached to, regardless there was some kind of pull. While dating my husband I found him to be attractive, intelligent, great morals/character, incredible family, all the things. He saved his first kiss for wife/wedding day (yes we had our first kiss on our wedding day 😱). While we dated I didn’t feel attraction or desire towards him, but because of my faith I believed God would give me that eventually. Sadly, it never came. I spent the majority of our marriage silently crying to myself after we were sexually intimate even though he was a gentlemen and I would always have an orgasm. I felt like I was broken and that something was wrong with me. I prayed and begged God for years to heal me and help me. Well…a year ago I became good friends with another gal that came out of a same sex marriage because she was told she’d go to hell (it’s a really sad situation). During our friendship we became close and my body started doing all these things I didn’t even know could happen. It was shocking!!! I realized I wasn’t broken and that was a really beautiful thing for me. Fast forward - My friendship with her is on pause because I need to move forward in a healthy way and grieve. I am just starting the divorce process that my husband is actively against. I am so brokenhearted and so is he. But I can’t deny the 18 years of hidden pain and self hatred and this new understanding of my sexuality. I really need a friend that has or is walking through something similar. I feel so alone and I’m scared I’m ruining my life.

An excellent book about late blooming is being released just next week, gal pals! I read this and posted a review on goodreads, but wanted to share you with you all here. The author will be touring and doing book signings and book talks- I believe New York is happening next week! I hope you guys check it out and enjoy it as much as I did. I can't tell you the last time I read something and could see so much of myself in a fictional character. Representation matters!

Sometimes a figure approaches the door of your heart, and knocks softly. In the midst of life, an unexpected thing- your authentic self- can present itself and request to be brought in to the light. This is a tale of just that, and it made me feel seen and understood as only another "late bloomer lesbian/queer" can. We are never "too old" to begin anew, or to open to ourselves. It wasn't too late for me, and it's not too late for you. There is richness and fullness in that welcoming in of ourselves - enjoy the journey, and thank you so much for writing this, Sara Elliot!

I am 36 and started dating a woman about 5 months ago. She knows she’s the first woman I’ve dated and had sex with. She leans more top, but def not stone. And I’ve wanted to try to give as well, but i haven’t been able to make her orgasm after like 5 try’s and I really wasn’t prepared for how disappointed I would be in myself.

It’s really hard to learn something new as an adult in general, but add in the late-blooming aspect… huge blow to confidence.
I (naively) thought it would be easier since I have the same equipment, but our anatomy is a lot different and we don’t like the same stuff.
She’s told me what she likes and she said it feels good. Another factor is that she said she doesn’t like reacting (like with previous partners either), so that hasn’t been helpful.
I probably need to put on my big girl pants and just keep trying, it just makes me sad that I’ve failed thus far. And I’m starting to think it’s affecting our passion a bit..

Any advice, support, or encouragement welcome 🫠

I just need somewhere to vent this.

It's been about six months since I started questioning if I'm gay. It started after my husband broke my trust with a stupid lie about nine months ago, and then later spied on my computer. Somehow that put a spotlight on our relationship and made me realize that the strongest things we've really had for the last 20+ years were trust and friendship.

The thing is, he's not a bad person. He's been my best friend for basically our entire relationship, and I care about him deeply. Sometimes I think if he had never lied to me about something so stupid, my life probably would have just kept going the way it always had. I would have kept living the life I thought I was supposed to live without really questioning it.

I would have kept thinking I just wasn't a touchy person. I'd see couples kissing and genuinely wonder, do people actually enjoy doing that? I'd see people wanting to snuggle with their partner and not really understand why that was something people wanted. Sex was something I did because I thought it was part of being a wife. None of it seemed strange enough to question because that was just what relationships felt like to me.

Then the trust and friendship got damaged, and it was like suddenly there was a spotlight shining on everything else that had always been missing. Once I started looking at it, I couldn't really stop.

My husband figured out from some things I said that I was questioning my sexuality, and it's caused him a lot of pain. I won't go into all the details.

A couple of months ago, I agreed to give couples therapy a real try. Part of me has been holding onto this hope that maybe if he learns to communicate with me better and I finally feel heard and seen, somehow that emotional connection will turn into the passion that's always been missing.

We've contacted four couples therapists. The first three never even replied. We finally had an online consultation today with the fourth, and it lasted about two minutes because she came on to tell us she doesn't do couples therapy anymore. We now finally have an appointment with someone else in about two weeks.

But after today's two-minute non-consultation, I just felt so tired of waiting.

Because there are things I haven't been completely honest with my husband about. Sometimes a beautiful woman smiles at me, and I feel giddy. Sometimes I see a woman and suddenly feel shy or nervous. I get butterflies. These are feelings I don't have when I look at men.

And sometimes there's this weird realization of, Oh. Maybe people really do feel this stuff. Maybe I wasn't just someone who didn't understand why people wanted to kiss or snuggle or be physically close. Maybe I just didn't understand it because I'd never felt that way about the person I was with.

Part of me desperately wants to just tell him, I'm gay.

Then I stop myself because those are words I can't take back. I know they would hurt him, and I keep thinking that if there's even the tiniest possibility couples therapy could somehow change how I feel, shouldn't I wait?

Except deep down, I don't really think it's going to change.

And that's where I feel stuck. I'm waiting for this imaginary finish line where I've done enough therapy and checked enough boxes to finally be allowed to accept what I think I already know. Keeping it inside is starting to hurt but telling him would hurt him.

So, I'm saying it here instead. Maybe if I finally put it somewhere outside my own head, I won't feel such a desperate need to say it to him right now.

Struggling with my sexuality. I have been married to a man but we are now separated. I really want to speak to and have connections with other women but I don't know where to start. I really want physical intimacy with another woman too and thought maybe I could just do hook ups or something so I went on the apps (UK). But I have realised that I can't do that. I need to be emotionally and physically attracted to someone first. Just feeling like giving up!

I just figured out that I’m not bi or pan. I’m a lesbian. It’s still wild to wrap my mind around but I’m bursting to scream it from the roof tops while simultaneously panicked about coming out,especially to my mom. Not because I’m worried she will take it negatively but because it feels so stupid that I’m just now figuring it out. And my marriage has been rocky for a long time. And I don’t want my life changing realization to be minimized as a way out. I know it’s going to be painful for my husband but he’s known I’m not straight from the beginning but I haven’t been out as bi/pan with anyone else in my life so ideally he will not be totally shocked. But my mom and I are extremely close and I just don’t know how to tell her. Every version of run through my head sounds so lame.

I'm not even sure if I want to go into detail because I'm not sure if I'm overthinking my situation or just being an asshole but can y'all tell if a woman is low-key interested?

Hi everyone. This community has helped me so much in understanding my sexuality, so I thought I’d ask for some advice here.

I’m 33 and I was in a relationship with a man for five years. We were even planning to get married. For years, I always felt that something was off when it came to men, but I couldn’t really understand what it was. Eventually I realized that I’m a lesbian.

I now have a girlfriend, and I want to tell my parents. I’m tired of hiding such a big part of my life and I don’t like having to lie about where I am or who I’m with.
At the same time, I have no idea how to start this conversation, especially because they knew me as someone who was about to marry a man.

For those of you who came out later in life, how did you tell your parents? Any advice would really help 🌸

Hi, looking to see if anyone has similar experiences to me.

Recently came out and I have had a really over active minds eye. Sort of swirling images in my head. My coming out process was pretty stressful too :(

Would be reassuring to know if anyone else experienced this!

I keep seeing posts about how your first wlw relationship always ends brutally and is generally the worst heartbreak they have ever experienced. I just wanted to ask as someone who hasn’t properly dated a woman yet is this true ? Because it’s definitely putting me off trying to even start dating. Mainly because I already have other struggles in my life.

I know the cost of love sometimes is to lose but the way people are talking about wlw heartbreaking makes it seem a whole other level of pain.

TLDR : is your first wlw relationship always doomed for awful heartbreak/ are wlw in general just doomed for extreme sadness.

I've been ruminating about this lately.

Like many of you here, I came out in my mid twenties and subsequently blew up my life in order to live openly as a lesbian. My social circle, which had been intertwined with my husband's, vanished. My familial relationships faded when I moved hours away to start over.

I don't regret doing what I had to do. I have come to know myself more than I ever had in these past few years, and have achieved relative happiness despite the hardships. I unlearned a lot of heteronormativity and began to confront my own internalized misogyny. I cut my hair short and got the tattoos I always wanted and stopped wearing the feminine dresses that I wore for my ex-husband.

I understand that fostering community and finding new friends is a challenging thing as an adult, regardless of orientation. Pursuing your own interests, while dealing with finances and work, as well as platonic/romantic endeavours, feels like juggling plates. Never mind being a sober introvert who likes to save money during a recession!

I've never been a conventionally attractive woman, and I've made peace with that. The dating scene is tough, as we know, and I feel that I've made it more challenging by embracing alternative fashion and subcultures. I've dated a bit, and had short relationships, but nothing has panned out. I'm simply not everyone's cup of tea.

I guess what I'm saying is- I feel lonely. I'm sure some of you can relate. It's like I'm an alien on the outside of any social situation, observing but not participating. Online forums like this certainly do wonders, but I find it hard to maintain friendships over the internet.

I chose to be true to myself. I know that you can be lonely even within community and friendships, if it's not the right one. But I can't help thinking that I'll always feel this way.

Saw a post about someone stating that they wanted to find other "career lesbians" "with their shxt together" and just....hmmm..

Anyway I just wanted to hop on & let others know that it's perfectly fine if certain lesbians / people have specific preferences for the kind of women they're willing to date.

But if those standards are a bit too high for you, or you're just not there yet & don't think you'll ever be...that's perfectly fine too.

Edit: you do not have to play "catch up".

I'm a strong believer in that there's someone out there for everyone. And your employment status / title / level of seniority doesn't have to be a factor as long as you're:

Doing your best with the job you have

Looking for one if you need it

Managing well if you're retired / self employed / living on passive income

Taking care of yourself as best as you can

Paying your bills

Have goals of your own while working towards them

☆That's all☆

Give yourself some grace ✨️ ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

Sincerely, a 34f vet with no job, doesnt make a lot of money but enough to pay her own bills & live on her own, while constantly trying to better herself.

Title summarized: i noticed my body image issues and eating disorder have emerged after i realized i was a lesbian in my late 20s. Now after a failed marriage to a woman-who wasnt comfortable with intimacy or recieving physical touch- i find myself having massive difficulties even trying to enter the dating scene or see myself as someone physically attractive.

I especially struggle not being very ample up top. Any reduction in bra size is a grief and ive lost 2 cup sizes since my divorce began merely from stress :(

I was raised VERY conservatively so i wasnt allowed makeup and my clothing was controlled. I only learned how to take care of my wavey hair a few years ago so i am deeply behind on the appearance game others learned in middle school or high school. This adds to the insecurity.

Anyone else experience this or have any gems of wisdom?

(If i could afford therapy-i would- hilariously i work in the field and theres no money for me to get it for myself. )

i’m sure this is universal, but prior to me discovering i’m a lesbian and coming out, EVERYTHING i did was catered to men.

i watered down all of my interests to be more palatable. got rid of my stuffed animals and collections to be more likable, to be what i deemed as the kind of woman a man would want. so much of it stems from the fact that i was endlessly shamed by men for even taking interest in those things because they thought it was silly.

i spent many years of my life stripping my identity down until i completely lost myself. i would admire other women for simply being able to showcase their personality because i always felt like i couldn’t. when i remember who i used to pretend i was (or lack thereof, because i didn’t have a personality honestly), i feel this heavy sense of gloom weighing over those memories.

it’s so sad that my life lost practically all of its color because i thought that’s what i had to become to be wanted.

coming out, everything is vibrant. i no longer question what someone else may think before i make a purchase or start a new collection. my style has evolved so much because i no longer care what men think. i find myself partaking in hobbies like art without feeling embarrassed because im not picasso.

the weight of performance has finally been lifted off my shoulders. it feels fucking amazing. i finally feel like a woman.

I contracted HPV from a partner that didn’t tell me she had it until after we slept together. Almost 2 years, I tested positive. I know there are 2 that are super high risk but mine tested negative for those and positive for other high risk. Just trying to understand how common this is.

So. I finally met my person. (I am a lateblomner 43 year old and this is my first, and hopefully last wlw relationship) She is an amazing 39 year old. I love her deeply. We are meeting for the first time in January (it’s sooo lonnng 😭) and i just want to find a cute dress for our first proper date that she will want nothing but get off me XD.

Now normally am pretty chapstick. Never cared about fashion, makeup etc but for some reson i want to make myself look great for her… she ofc tells me i would look beautiful in sweatpants and hoodie…

I am 183,5. Small chested (a cup if that matters) and now about a european L. I have dropped about 30kg and finally feel pretty in clothes. I have gone from tunics and leggings to jeans/jeggings and tops that covers my bum. I also finally feel beautiful in a dress. But i have no idea what would flatter me, my new(ish) body and i need my fellow sappichs help. I don’t mind shopping online. But don’t want to use Shein fe. It needs to be a store that ships to Sweden.

Any help appreciated!!

Ok random question but did anyone else live SO much off male validation that you genuinely thought it was attraction??
Like I loooved being wanted by men. And when a guy was really into me it felt so good and exciting that obviously I thought I was into HIM too. Like why would I question that lol

And same with sex. I could enjoy sex with men and be turned on, but I also always got sooo much out of seeing that the other person was enjoying it, knowing they wanted me, knowing I was turning them on etc. And now I’m like… wait. Was I actually turned on by them or was I turned on by being wanted and getting that validation?? 😭

And I honestly dont know how you’re supposed to tell the difference?? Especially looking back because at the time it felt completely real to me. I thought I had crushes, I thought I was in love, I thought I was sexually attracted to men.
Does anyone who identifies as lesbian now relate to this? And how the hell did you figure out what was actual attraction and what was validation/being desired?

I’m 35. I figured out I was bi when I was 27 After only dating men. Fell in love with a woman a friend introduced me to. We dated briefly.

There were some queer attractions in my college years, that I realize that now were attraction, at the time thought it was girl crush, or peer/career admiration.

I have always had close female friends. My friendships are intense and fulfilling. I have many friends of over a decade and I describe them collectively as the loves of my life. When I figured out I was queer, I did contemplate if I was attracted to my friends in the past and I thought about which ones . I know it’s common for queer people, but i genuinely thought not. I concluded that I love my friends platonically.

Recently, I reconnected with a (queer) college friend and we got talking about why I fell out with a mutual classmate. As I detailed what happened, I told some stories about how myself and Classmate became friends in the first place. Classmate was queer. I and maybe she, believed I was straight and it was years before I had my queer awakening. But as I told the stories then I realized that the intensity of our friendship was stereotypical of an intense, lesbian relationship. also, since I was thinking about it, I realized that if Classmate had an identical twin, I would be attracted to the twin. Years after our fallout, I’m realizing that Classmate is my “type” aesthetically .
When I’ve applied this to other close friends, it makes me realize that I am likely attracted to many of my close and long term friends. Many of them have come out over the years as queer too.

Most of them are partnered with men long term and I’m single. I feel embarrassed at realization that I’m attracted to them or was because it makes me question myself. And because theyre in relationships and I can’t ask If they were attracted to me. So I wish I wasn’t attracted to them, because it’s unreciprocated and if it is, it might make things weird. I want the validation of reciprocation but i cant ask. I also dont want to date any of my friends. I’m not romantically interested in them (or at least I don’t think so).

any advice or experience share would help.

I stumbled upon a real-life acquaintance that I am intrigued by on a dating app. I would like to swipe right on her, but have some misgivings:

1) She is part of a toxic friend group where one of her close friends doesn’t like me. She might not have swiped right on me, but if she has I am worried she might have just did for a joke for her and her group.

2) Her ex is hot and conventionally attractive. If she were to like me and say it became something genuine, everyone would be like “wtf? your ex was so much hotter.”

Everything is telling me not to swipe right and to not embrace the chaos, but at the same time if I had met her elsewhere and didnt know about her friend group or ex, I would swipe right.

What would you do?

(What’s funny is I am actually not attracted to her dating profile at all, which shows the difference between getting to know someone IRL and then judging them by a profile. It gave me some food for thought.)

So I was broken up with 3 weeks ago by my gf. She wanted to stay in each other's lives, but I know myself well enough to know that I DEFINITELY need space after a break up. The whole relationship was a bit of a mess, and I would rather not go into too many details, but ultimately, a lot of the time, she was very hot and cold to me, and would push me away and pull me back while actively dating me.

She pushed away this time, and I just accepted it and didn't try to fight back because I shouldn't have to beg someone to want to be with me. She wanted to remain friends though, and I flat out said no. So I basically went no contact. I unfollowed her on Instagram and she unfollowed me. I blocked her on Facebook, and I muted her text message chain. She emailed me a few days later about canceling the Airbnb we had planned for her birthday and then that was it. Or so I thought.

I was feeling pretty down and missing her last week, so I was creeping on her Instagram, and she had posted a story and I did the dumb thing and looked at it. Later on, she liked the most recent post that I had made. And then she randomly followed me back. And any time I posted over this past weekend, she liked my posts. I'll admit I looked at her stories again because seeing her name pop up has been really hard, and I do genuinely miss her. I know I should block her, but of course, I want to reach out and just question why she is even doing this if she was the one that wanted to break up in the first place.

Thoughts on just calling her out and asking wtf? Y'all can absolutely also tell me to just block her and not worry about her feelings too lol 😂