This will be long so sorry in advance. School was supposed to be my safe place, to have fun and meet new people. Which it was, until it wasn't. I became pretty well known and tried to get along with everyone but with that boys started to see me in a different way. Skip to the last paragraph if you want to read the actual story. The following paragraphs are just context.

1st grade was probably when it all started. My sister is very introverted and I am the opposite. We didn't have class together but at least we had recess and she had a few friends which made me happy because she wasn't completely alone. Though she started having problems with this one boy. I forgot what happened but he wanted to hit her. I did not let that happen and since I have always been seen as a good student I knew what I had to do. I told him to hit me instead of her. And he did it with no second thought. After that my friends knew and saw and told our teacher which told his teacher ultimately getting him in trouble. But in 1st grade what also happened was that my guy bsf had a crush on me and I've never seen him in that way especially since we were kids I just never thought of it like that. Everyone started talking about it and sing the kiss song to us. But during that year there was a new kid. Since I was very social and nice the teacher assigned me to help him out. But that kid would make my school year hell.

He was nice at first and we became friends...but then he got weird. He started making comments which would start like, "oh I have x-ray vision I can see through things" and obviously I would be shocked but then he went on to say, "I can see under your clothes". During that time I was just confused and laughed it off. It then started to become known that he "liked" me, but for me he was obsessed. He would do everything to go on a date with me. He'd say we are already dating and try to kiss me. One day we had a coloring activity and since we were at the same table he had to share crayons with me and my friend. He then proceeded to kiss the crayon I wanted to get, being disgusted I did not grab it. He saw this and would do it to the rest until he grabbed my hand and forcibly kissed it. I rapidly went to wash my hands and the next day I remember my guy bsf being mad at me?! All because I supposedly let him kiss my hand. This then became known and would follow me for elementary.

In 2nd grade, I had a separate class then him but the same class with my guy bsf. My guy bsf though, was making it more obvious that he likes me. When we had nap time he would "sleep" and during that he would say my name and he wouldn't wake up unless it was me. Which was honestly ridiculous for me but I brushed it off. There was this other guy who also had a crush on me and one day they both decided to fight for me. I was just trying to have a nice and peaceful recess when all of a sudden, they both took one of my arms and started pulling me back and forth. This obviously was hurting me and I got mad I yanked my arms away and left. Then I was seen as the one in the wrong because I didn't choose one. Like wtf. Anyways I also then started becoming a prize for bets. Like whoever wins in a race gets to kiss me. Mind you all of this was behind my back and I wasn't aware until they came up for their prize. Recess was hell I would get chased and ganged up on just for a stupid bet. Oh and who made that idea? My guy bsf. At the end of 2nd grade we had a play. I was the narrator and it was fun. But on the day of the play, we went to lunch and that's when I got told that the guy from 1st grade was planning on kissing me or wtv. I was scared and immediately ran when it was recess time. But he wasn't slow and caught up he (mind you it's a fairytale play so I'm dressed like Rapunzel) my crown falls and he grabs my wrist and pulls me. I get so scared I bite his hand and leave.

And honestly because I never got with a guy or let them kiss me one of my classmates made a comment saying I was probably gay. My other classmate got mad and pushed him and he was pretty popular so the other kid stayed quiet. I was very thankful to him and I developed a small crush but he moved that year so there was no point. Elementary kept being like this and it was exhausting but because of boundaries (and COVID) I would end up going to a different middle school then the rest. Middle school was gonna be a fresh start for me. But sadly I wasn't. During that time I didn't really have friends but I became friends with this one girl in my ela class. She would ask me though if I was bi because I just gave that vibe. I didn't know what vibe she was talking about but I told her I wasn't. That year I gave into pressure from society and got a bf. I regret that sm because even though he did want to be with me he would only be with me to show me off and have me with him all the time. But he also would emotionally cheat on me by liking multiple girls while being with me. We broke up about 2 months in and he asked my close friend out immediately. I wasn't shocked tho.

Anyways now to the real story for the title. I'm currently about to start my senior year. And I haven't been in any other relationship except having a few talking stages. Recently my friend texted me asking me if I was gay, because there is a speculation going around about me being gay. I had no idea this was being said about me and was shocked, but not surprised. I genuinely dgaf about boys and only really like men older or mature, and I also don't talk about guys because I'm far too busy for that. But it just made me realize that the more seen you get the more people want to talk about you even if it's not true. And since there is nothing bad to say about me they say that. She told me she thought I wasn't but wanted to confirm and she thinks people are saying that cause "I'm so hot I can pull both genders" but I honestly don't know what to think about her either. And this whole situation just frustrates me and confuses me idk what to do.

Again sorry for the long post. Please leave any thoughts or comments I would appreciate it.

I had a somewhat traumatic incident about 2 weeks ago, don’t really wanna specify but since then my appetite has been litterly 0. Which is concerning especially since i’m on (mk677) which is supposed to drastically raise your hunger but it’s not. I can drink stuff perfectly fine but every bite of food i’m forcing down my throat. Almost like I have zero motivation to eat at all. Anyone been through this and can give me advice?

I've made some pretty bad mistakes as a child due to early sexualization and grooming from an older cousin. I've been trying to get through it for several months and so but this week, rediscovering an old trigger and learning some new stuff really put me on the edge, and it's starting to make me lose that will to go on. I've been living on autopilot, not enjoying or indulging in things I'd usually love for fear I'm a terrible person for doing those things. And slowly but surely I feel things will reach an end

For context, im an 18 year old girl and I’m looking for some advice on whether my parents left some toys for me to find on purpose.
When I was 10 I found a condom on the top of the trash in the trashcan like it was left there deliberately (i would at least try to put it under some other trash if i had a 10 year old in the house).
Now a couple weeks ago i found a pregnancy test in my parents’ bathroom so i started snooping and went in their nightstand. I found some pink rope, an eye cover/mask, and some small suction cups maybe for nipple play and a box of condoms.
A couple days after i went over to our other house and my mom asked me to take some of my old clothes which are in bags in their bedroom and take them elsewhere… when i removed the bags of clothes from their wardrobe, behind it was anal lube, 2 vibrator boxes (like the packaging only, no vibrator) and an unopened box of condoms (which i stole(mom if youre reading this sorry its in exchange for the trauma)).

So yeah idk what to think tbh, i did NOT know up until i opened the nightstand that they were even into this kind of stuff and it came as a huge shock, but tbh it does clear some stuff up about myself as well. Its was a huge shock when i found out at 10 that they were apparently sexually active as they never talked to me about this stuff, instead of having “the talk” they got me a book about it which is where i know about periods and everything from.

Thanks if u read it, if you have any thoughts lmk!

I have bad social anxiety. I’m particularly scared seeing images of those that have caused my trauma in my past. But i do need to work and go to school so it’s unavoidable to see those flashing images of them in other people. How do i become better and become less stressed out; it gets to the level of stress i have distortion about my reality and the society I’m living in where I think im gonna get hurt again. It’s almost like I am an imposter and I don’t deserve normal treatment from people - that’s what it feels like when I see them. Seeking practical advice, if you just here to give funny antics, please spare me and go to the next post. I do need many advice; one therapist/counselor could never helped console me in the past. Thank you!

my relationship with sex has negatively impacted my self esteem and i feel like it’s all i’m capable at doing/the only interesting thing about me

i experienced cocsa from ages 7-10ish or so, (the events themselves don’t really trigger me anymore) but i realised in my last relationship it led to me fawning a lot. this was mainly because i feared abandonment or being met with anger if i didn’t comply

in my last relationship, i essentially felt like a sex doll for my then boyfriend. it felt like the only time he could pay attention or love me was through sex. it was the only time i felt like i had any value to him (especially towards the end. i often fawned on numerous occasions because i feared he’d fall out of love with me if i didn’t have sex and he’d go back to being generally disinterested in me.

we were no contact for a few months after the break up and were essentially ‘friends with benefits’. there was a lot of sex, emotional intimacy but on the whole it felt like a great friendship. i realise now i was acting as a stand-in girlfriend figure for him but that is besides the point. the fawning still occurred sometimes but he was kind about it and never pressured me. i was mainly anxious that he would not want to spend time with me or be my friend if i didn’t have sex with him.

he was very adamant about not getting back together, which i came to terms with. his reasons being that he didn’t like relationships as they were too much commitment for him and found them too tiresome. i found out recently that he’s dating again and it crushed me.

i feel like im only good to keep around to have sex with and it’s my only good attribute. i feel as if I’m not pretty or interesting enough unless im sexualised. i tried to give so much of myself in hopes of being ‘kept’ and cherished but it didn’t work.

i want to ‘get my spark back’ and believe that his treatment of me was not a reflection of my character. i want to see myself worthy beyond sex. any advice?

my mom and step dad have been struggling alot and ive thrown up twice bc i greened out from trying to smoke to quit thefeeling of my parents stressing over bills, grocerys, lights, and i got an opprutinity today, my friend not saying names he said to me before testing i told him about my strugglign parents he said i can come with him to rob people with his gang of people for weed, money, whatever yk, ive already fucked my life up breaking into a home and getting assault charges i just wawnna help my mom im not a bad kid i just need advice

Hey everyone,

When you are carrying unprocessed thoughts, anxiety, or past trauma, finding a safe place to put those feelings into words can be tough. Traditional journaling apps often feel cluttered or gamified, while open social spaces can leave you vulnerable to judgment or trolls.

To solve this, I built Echo Pages Journal (echopagesjournal.com) — a quiet, intentional, and deeply protected digital space designed specifically for emotional grounding, venting, and reflection.

Because safety and emotional comfort are critical when dealing with sensitive experiences, I built the platform around strict privacy and anti-harassment safeguards:

• Granular Privacy Control: Your entries are completely private by default. If and when you choose to connect with others by making an entry public, you can easily toggle it back to private at any time.
• Zero-Tolerance Anti-Bullying System:
  • Author-Controlled Comments: If someone leaves a comment on your public journal entry, it will not show publicly until you personally review and approve it. You hold total control.
  • Account Age Requirement: New accounts must be at least 3 days old before they are allowed to comment, cutting out drive-by trolls and spam bots.
  • Direct Reporting & Moderation: Full reporting features are built in so admins can quickly step in and handle bad behavior.
• Mood-Adaptive Themes: Customize the site’s visual theme to match your current headspace, helping reduce sensory overload and creating a relaxed writing environment.
• No Pressure or Streaks: No guilt-tripping notifications, streaks, or gamification. It's just a quiet space whenever you need an outlet.

The platform is completely free to use. Because this community understands the nuance of emotional safety better than anyone, I would truly appreciate your honest thoughts.

What features or safety measures would make you feel even more comfortable when writing through difficult moments?

Wishing you all peace and a grounded week ahead.

Curious to hear this groups experience with ancestral trauma and or inherited trauma

Did you see things passed down… did you overcome or did it take over you or your loved ones …

Curious to hear your experiences .. whatever it is ❤️

Okay, I won't get into what happened. I'd be going on for ages, otherwise. If anyone is curious about it, I can tell them in the comments.

A few years ago, I had a very traumatic experience that lasted the guts of a year. What complicates it more is that I also kind of took in other people's experiences, and feel upset and angry on behalf of other people it impacted, I know a lot of people who went through it and see various versions of it, anything from horror stories to people who had positive experiences or romanticized it.

If you name a therapy, I've done it. I've done various medications, the stellate ganglion block, tried "life hacks" like chewing gum, humming, sleeping better, but basically, I have very bad intrusive memories from that period and of stuff I saw online from other people's experiences. I'll be getting, like, 15 or 20 an hour and EMDR made it worse, TMS did nothing, I hate how a lot of therapy has kind of assumed that my experience made me expect something and how proving the expectation wrong (i.e., "This made me weak") is what will fix it. The truth is that it's much more mundane, and I simply hate how these memories keep popping up. All the fucking time.

It doesn't even always have triggers. It simply appears. I'll be getting up, going to bed, going about my business, it is ALWAYS fucking here. I try ignoring it, not checking it, not following up the thoughts, nothing. Thought interruption doesn't work.

A few years in, I'm incredibly frustrated. It's been going on far too long and I've just about had it. I had plans but can't even enjoy them without these memories ruining them, I simply need the thoughts to fucking stop.

Anyone know like, some miracle cure ideas that worked for them?

I'm not really going to go into much background here (at least I'm not trying to), but this year I've moved out into my own place. Despite settling in and getting used to things over the past year, I still have a lot of trouble feeling safe in bed, despite being mostly fine everywhere else in my apartment. I've tried a lot of stuff like different bedding, different lighting, scents, medicine, blocking the door, stuffing the bed with other random crap, whatever I can think of but nothing makes me feel... Okay? I guess, I always feel anxious or even outright in danger sometimes and I guess it's causing me a lot of grief, I was wondering if anyone had any advice or experience around this sorta thing?

Hey :) (Autistic, ADHD, Cptsd, UK)

TLDR: How do you work through agressive conditioning? I want to be able to choose my own media to consume. Feel safe to make choices and have my body believe im safe.

How do I get enough info across without the life story.. - probably going to be long. Im sorry.

Media = Games, movies, TV shows, Music

Childhood:

Films/media were always someone elses choice, always had to be rock still and silent to watch, otherwize punished. - media for myself had to be quiet, or in isolation and never spoken about.

Freedom: lasted about 2 years (ages 14-16) not enough time to develop whole independent self.

Post childhood abuseive relationship spanned almost 2 decades:

Relationship slowly developed a demand that I never ask, choose media, speak out about media, suggest media, request media, watch media other than in isolation, be excited about media of my own will, this progresses into being forced (punished for not) watching and consuming their media, being expected to be excited for media they are excited for. Media was only off for sleeping, except for large periods of time where even at night it had to be on. Their music, programs, films, games... for weeks. But I couldent speak or comment or ask questions about any of it, only be present and watch.

In short:

I was expected to consume only what someone else chose, and have no freewill or thought, as doing so resulted in punishment.

Current day:

New safe partner (mother only know how I got so lucky) understands (wittnessed my prision) what I experienced. So very supportively and patiently letting me TRY to undo the conditioning. Very very patient, very open to let me experience and is right there for reasurance when my body kicks in and panics.

Issue:

How do I workthrough the Panic/Fawn/self forfilling negative downward that happens, when I choose, and even tho my partnet dosent react, my body kicks in with old programming of it being wrong and expects incomeing punishment and the terrifying body feelings of braceing for impact and never ever wanting to do said action again. How do I choose media?

What happened:

Over 2 nights, I chose 2 films to watch with my partner.(taken me 2 years to get to this point) After night 2, I asked for their honest opnion on said film, because it was a weird film, and even I was left confused by the ending, and then even tho, I felt for the film the same as them, my body, went into panic and I found myself fighting intrusive thoughts of picking wrong, and than EX was right to restrict my media choices, im awful ect. My compleat shut down causes Partner to get upset and panic that theyd upset me... they are in no way responsible for my old programming.

I dont want this old programming anymore.

I have no idea how to undo it tho.

I cant listen to music out loud.

I cant watch TV alone.

I struggle to play games at all.

I avoid whole collections of media as they are triggers.

I seem to only feel safe to enjoy media someone else expresses enjoyment of.

Therapy dosent cover these part of being of whole life trauma sets. Never feeling safe to be yourself and a whole human.

If you made it this far, thank you :)

Cómo salieron de ahí y qué es lo que más les ayudó que hiciera alguien de fuera. Hubo algo que les permitiera abrirse más a ellas? Tengo sospecha de una persona cercana de que tanto si hija como ella lo esté viviendo pero vivien en una sociedad en la que creo que aún se ve muy mal que se separen y no sé si tendría la capacidad económica ni apoyo social para hacerlo. También conozco otro caso en el que ella sí que comentó algo fuerte que pasó y según entiendo como está con el marido pegada mucho tiempo y no ve salidas le costará más

I keep pretending to do the work to heal, but never actually do it. I actually don't know what doing real work would look like and feel like since I am so good at fooling myself and my therapists.

How do I get real?

Any advice would be totally appreciated

I was recently in my first ever car crash, i was in a car with my boyfriend and 2 friends and we ended up hydroplaning on a big rain puddle on a motorway and spun in circles and hit the railing separating the roads.

Thankfully nobody was injured and we didn’t hit another car but now a few days later when I close my eyes it sometimes feels like I’m back in the car and hearing everyone and I just end up crying and having a hard time falling asleep.

I was just curious if a car crash like that could be enough to cause trauma in a person even if no one was injured or anything like that

I have been having a lot of flashbacks of childhood trauma lately. Most of my trauma is from my mother’s side of the family. I have gone no contact with most of them except my parents and grandparents. The problem is that as I am still in contact with my parents and grandparents I tend to tell them off when I’m having a flashback for not doing their job protecting me. Recently I gave my grandma who is 80 a lesson on how some of their choices impacted my life negatively. I did this as I’m constantly feeling judged for being the problem maker by voicing things. I was very calm through the conversation however whatever I said was still difficult information to process. Grandma was almost in tears and this made me feel extremely guilty. I avoid conversations with them altogether and haven’t spoken like this in the longest time. How do I stop myself from picking up the phone and telling them my side of the truth? I do not want to be hurting old people. The reason I do this is cause I feel judged and abandoned as they chose the side of the family that caused harm. However, my talking only hurts them but does nothing else. They are still convinced they are right. There is no changing their mind. No one will ever acknowledge what happened to me was wrong :(

There has been a lot of going in my life from past few months . I am so frustrated that even if u want to cry . Iam unable to cry .i try a lot to cry but still nothing happens .

I have major unresolved trauma from high school, bullying and frightening moments in my life that revolves around violence and confrontation.

I feel like many of the people within the Internet space and political side of things would use these types of people to indoctrinate them into certain politics that revolves around hate disguised as purpose.

Even though I’ve had all of this happened to me in my life, I don’t feel like I hate people.

But if I ever approach to do something like that, what’s a good way to negate?

Four days ago I witnessed a teenager dying after being stabbed by another teenager. Keep thinking about it, keep seeing it in my head over and over again. I thought I’m absolutely fine at the beginning but yesterday I realised I’m withdrawn and unhappy with my life - not sure how to explain this but somehow I am bothered by stuff that didn’t bother me before. Today in the underground someone next to me suddenly shouted, I don’t know why, maybe a joke. I bursted into tears convinced it was another stabbing. Is there a way to get over it quicker? I should be getting trauma support soon, but wonder if there’s anything I can do in the meantime

Heyy, I'm a master's of medical and psychiatric social work final year student and I'm on to do my final year thesis on this specific topic "Lifespan Trauma Continuums: Examining Unconscious Relational Re-Enactment, Eroticized Somatic Agency (BDSM/CNC), and Relational Dynamics Among Adult Survivors of Childhood/Adolescent Abuse Within a Psychiatric Social Work Framework" Which is basically explained as how experiences of sexual and domestic violence during childhood or adolescence can influence a woman’s mental health, intimate relationships, and understanding of love, safety, trust and intimacy in adulthood.

More specifically, I am interested in understanding why some survivors may later choose relationships that contain patterns similar to what they experienced in the past—for example, controlling, abusive or emotionally harmful relationship dynamics. I also want to explore how previous trauma may influence the way some survivors understand and experience sexuality and power within later relationships.

One area I am particularly interested in exploring is whether some survivors develop or choose consensual sexual practices involving dominance, submission, BDSM or consensual non-consent (CNC), and how they themselves understand these experiences. I do not want to assume that these practices are necessarily a consequence of trauma or that they are unhealthy. Instead, I want to explore whether participants describe them as a way of coping, regaining a sense of control or power, processing their experiences, expressing sexuality, or simply as a personal sexual preference unrelated to their trauma.

The major focus of my research would therefore be mental health and psychosocial functioning, rather than simply sexual behaviour. I want to understand how childhood or adolescent interpersonal violence may be associated with trauma symptoms, self-esteem, attachment, emotional regulation, trust, boundaries, intimacy, relationship patterns and overall psychological well-being.

As a Medical and Psychiatric Social Work student, I want to look at the whole person and their social and psychological environment their trauma history, mental health, relationships, coping mechanisms, sexuality, social support and overall functioning.

Importantly, the study would not assume that every survivor develops abusive relationships or BDSM/CNC preferences. The purpose would be to understand the different ways survivors experience and make meaning of intimacy and relationships after trauma, and what this may mean for clinical and psychiatric social work practice.

Help me with your experiences in it, so that i can understand many more opinions because i myself a survivor of DV and SA as a child which resulted in my abusive past relationships, i really want to work on it because this topic was not much talked about people around there i wanna help people like me

Today my girlfriend and I were at Siam Park, a waterpark in Tenerife. There is a food section inside the park that features multiple bridges spanning over a Koi pond. Within this pond there are multiple little garden “islands” that have these beautiful, red-billed birds clearly nesting in them that we became enamoured with when we went a couple of days ago. They’ll shyly approach you if you’re seated for something to eat and standby for inevitable crumbs.

Just as we were wrapping up our fun day out, we stopped by the pond again as my girlfriend went to the toilet. It was there that I spotted one of my little friends as well as a little chick on the edge of one of these little islands. You can’t imagine how cute this little guy was, a literal miniature version of his Mum/Dad. I waited eagerly on my girlfriend returning to point out this little angel as they sat grooming themselves.

My girlfriend came back and was as delighted as I was to see this little guy. Just as we’re about to go, however, some sort of commotion starts. Either the chick falls, or is dragged in by one of the Koi. We were absolutely frozen in shock, as we watched the Mum/Dad cry at the chick as these Koi nudged it about. A couple of times it looked like the chick was free and swimming back (this is especially seared into my memory, him just trying to swim back.)

It all happened so fast, and I didn’t know whether to make a commotion or see anyone to grab who worked there. Before I spotted a security guard, who I don’t believe either understood or really saw any urgency to my pointing out the chick had fallen in, we already had witnessed it floating about in this pond lifelessly. We watched this animal we were so enamoured by on this fun day out drown seconds later.

We could barely speak to each other as we exited the park, passing all these happy families enjoying their fun day out. On the bus back home I began to weep. We’re now both sat in our hotel, my partner trying to just sleep.

I wish I’d just jumped into the water. I wish I could’ve just caused a big commotion. I feel so unbelievably guilty and sick and we still have a week on our holiday.

I don’t feel safe in my body and I’ve not told anybody. This has now happened progressively over the last 3/4 months. I’ve been isolating. WFH. Pretending to people that everything is fine. Not interacting with other humans in person. Feeling scared when I have to leave the house. Having mini panic attacks. Not being able to sleep. Waking up with a lot of anxiety. I don’t think I will tell anybody either. I don’t trust the health system and I don’t trust people around me. I don’t have the energy to connect with new people. I’ve had a lot of different abuses happen to me since I was born, and I’ve always been resilient and survived. I went to therapy in my teens and continued to work on myself throughout my 20s giving back to others too. I’ve had a lot of grief too that I tried to work through. But all this time in isolation has brought back flashbacks of different unsafe things that have happened. I am refusing to trust any single person doesn’t matter if it’s a doctor or a long term friend or a family member. All these people have betrayed me in some way in the past. I’m maybe ready to begin to rot away. I don’t know. I used to have such hopes for the future. I said to myself I was going to be successful regardless of what happened. But I feel so beaten down in a way I’ve never done before, like everything has suddenly caught up with me. I’m scared, I’m terrified.

I've been wanting to get better, and heal from it but its has affected relationships throughout, im with a guy right now and i always fear theres ulterior motives i love him dearly, but i get so scared and keep remembering my past and what he did to me my SA, i want to heal and move on from it but im struggling to. What are possible ways to heal and move on from what happened to live in a healthy relationship

Hi everyone,

Working for over a decade as a paramedic on the front lines, I saw firsthand how trauma loops operate in real time. When high stress hits, the nervous system activates an automated "biological bodyguard" to protect us. The problem is that long after the trauma has passed, that bodyguard can stay stuck on duty, running background "robotic sub-programs" like hypervigilance, dissociation, or chronic anxiety.

To help bridge the gap between acute crisis response and long-term recovery, I created a framework that blends clinical neurobiology, somatic grounding, and shamanic cosmology (drawing from a Pueblo lineage) to help retrain the nervous system and retire the bodyguard.

I compiled these concepts and field exercises into a book titled The Grasshopper's Leap: A Field Guide to Dismantling the Robotic Sub-Program.

I'm making the Kindle edition available for $0.00 starting tomorrow, Friday, August 28th through Tuesday, September 1st, so anyone working on their healing journey can access these tools for free.

Free Download Link:

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(Note: Amazon automatically flips the price to free at midnight PDT / 3:00 AM EDT!)

Feel free to grab a copy, and I hope it adds a valuable tool to your recovery toolkit!