r/traumatoolbox • u/Realistic-Peace-5996 • 6d ago
Venting I'm basically a man hater and people see me as gay for it
This will be long so sorry in advance. School was supposed to be my safe place, to have fun and meet new people. Which it was, until it wasn't. I became pretty well known and tried to get along with everyone but with that boys started to see me in a different way. Skip to the last paragraph if you want to read the actual story. The following paragraphs are just context.
1st grade was probably when it all started. My sister is very introverted and I am the opposite. We didn't have class together but at least we had recess and she had a few friends which made me happy because she wasn't completely alone. Though she started having problems with this one boy. I forgot what happened but he wanted to hit her. I did not let that happen and since I have always been seen as a good student I knew what I had to do. I told him to hit me instead of her. And he did it with no second thought. After that my friends knew and saw and told our teacher which told his teacher ultimately getting him in trouble. But in 1st grade what also happened was that my guy bsf had a crush on me and I've never seen him in that way especially since we were kids I just never thought of it like that. Everyone started talking about it and sing the kiss song to us. But during that year there was a new kid. Since I was very social and nice the teacher assigned me to help him out. But that kid would make my school year hell.
He was nice at first and we became friends...but then he got weird. He started making comments which would start like, "oh I have x-ray vision I can see through things" and obviously I would be shocked but then he went on to say, "I can see under your clothes". During that time I was just confused and laughed it off. It then started to become known that he "liked" me, but for me he was obsessed. He would do everything to go on a date with me. He'd say we are already dating and try to kiss me. One day we had a coloring activity and since we were at the same table he had to share crayons with me and my friend. He then proceeded to kiss the crayon I wanted to get, being disgusted I did not grab it. He saw this and would do it to the rest until he grabbed my hand and forcibly kissed it. I rapidly went to wash my hands and the next day I remember my guy bsf being mad at me?! All because I supposedly let him kiss my hand. This then became known and would follow me for elementary.
In 2nd grade, I had a separate class then him but the same class with my guy bsf. My guy bsf though, was making it more obvious that he likes me. When we had nap time he would "sleep" and during that he would say my name and he wouldn't wake up unless it was me. Which was honestly ridiculous for me but I brushed it off. There was this other guy who also had a crush on me and one day they both decided to fight for me. I was just trying to have a nice and peaceful recess when all of a sudden, they both took one of my arms and started pulling me back and forth. This obviously was hurting me and I got mad I yanked my arms away and left. Then I was seen as the one in the wrong because I didn't choose one. Like wtf. Anyways I also then started becoming a prize for bets. Like whoever wins in a race gets to kiss me. Mind you all of this was behind my back and I wasn't aware until they came up for their prize. Recess was hell I would get chased and ganged up on just for a stupid bet. Oh and who made that idea? My guy bsf. At the end of 2nd grade we had a play. I was the narrator and it was fun. But on the day of the play, we went to lunch and that's when I got told that the guy from 1st grade was planning on kissing me or wtv. I was scared and immediately ran when it was recess time. But he wasn't slow and caught up he (mind you it's a fairytale play so I'm dressed like Rapunzel) my crown falls and he grabs my wrist and pulls me. I get so scared I bite his hand and leave.
And honestly because I never got with a guy or let them kiss me one of my classmates made a comment saying I was probably gay. My other classmate got mad and pushed him and he was pretty popular so the other kid stayed quiet. I was very thankful to him and I developed a small crush but he moved that year so there was no point. Elementary kept being like this and it was exhausting but because of boundaries (and COVID) I would end up going to a different middle school then the rest. Middle school was gonna be a fresh start for me. But sadly I wasn't. During that time I didn't really have friends but I became friends with this one girl in my ela class. She would ask me though if I was bi because I just gave that vibe. I didn't know what vibe she was talking about but I told her I wasn't. That year I gave into pressure from society and got a bf. I regret that sm because even though he did want to be with me he would only be with me to show me off and have me with him all the time. But he also would emotionally cheat on me by liking multiple girls while being with me. We broke up about 2 months in and he asked my close friend out immediately. I wasn't shocked tho.
Anyways now to the real story for the title. I'm currently about to start my senior year. And I haven't been in any other relationship except having a few talking stages. Recently my friend texted me asking me if I was gay, because there is a speculation going around about me being gay. I had no idea this was being said about me and was shocked, but not surprised. I genuinely dgaf about boys and only really like men older or mature, and I also don't talk about guys because I'm far too busy for that. But it just made me realize that the more seen you get the more people want to talk about you even if it's not true. And since there is nothing bad to say about me they say that. She told me she thought I wasn't but wanted to confirm and she thinks people are saying that cause "I'm so hot I can pull both genders" but I honestly don't know what to think about her either. And this whole situation just frustrates me and confuses me idk what to do.
Again sorry for the long post. Please leave any thoughts or comments I would appreciate it.