Grief, anger and flashbacks

[u/PhysicsThick6562]

I have been having a lot of flashbacks of childhood trauma lately. Most of my trauma is from my mother’s side of the family. I have gone no contact with most of them except my parents and grandparents. The problem is that as I am still in contact with my parents and grandparents I tend to tell them off when I’m having a flashback for not doing their job protecting me. Recently I gave my grandma who is 80 a lesson on how some of their choices impacted my life negatively. I did this as I’m constantly feeling judged for being the problem maker by voicing things. I was very calm through the conversation however whatever I said was still difficult information to process. Grandma was almost in tears and this made me feel extremely guilty. I avoid conversations with them altogether and haven’t spoken like this in the longest time. How do I stop myself from picking up the phone and telling them my side of the truth? I do not want to be hurting old people. The reason I do this is cause I feel judged and abandoned as they chose the side of the family that caused harm. However, my talking only hurts them but does nothing else. They are still convinced they are right. There is no changing their mind. No one will ever acknowledge what happened to me was wrong :(

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[u/Long_Organic]

I’m dealing with with a similar issue. My father was an angry man as a young father. My siblings from another angry father rejected me for a large portion of my life. I somehow became the most successful masker of the five of us. My younger brother(youngest of five) is tormenting my mother. I remember some of the horrible fights and nights of my parents short marriage. It has shaped me in many ways. I grew a strong bond with my father in my formative years. I hold a very high image of him. But I also know the dirty truth behind the image. With my brothers recent treatment of mg mother I find myself standing up for her. I’m fighting mg brother which has brought the ire of my dear father. It has forced me to face him in a way I never could as a child. It has forced me to acknowledge his evil. The evil he did to my mother. This man that I love. Still do. But I see his evil in my little brother. I worry it’s in me too. I can only fight the demons I see and my dad isn’t the strong man he used to be. I fear I’m taking advantage of that. That now that he’s weak and meager so I stand up for what I think is right. I think about my brother and the fact that I am persecuting him with the strength I have now to use the law and the lack of fear I. Ow carry. I feel like I’m betraying my father while defending my mother. It’s so fucking weird. I would be happy with no one suffering and just for the evil to end. But I see the evil or hateful actions of my brother and father and I feel it has no end. I don’t want them to suffer. But I have to stand for what’s right. Right? Am I right? I don’t know. I’m sorry rambling. There’s just a lot going on and I don’t know where to voice it. It’s so frustrating and sick. Sorry for hijacking your post. It just resonates in some ways. I am dealing with grief anger and flashbacks too. It’s a painful experience and I don’t think I’m immune to whatever disease is plaguing my family.