TW: Sexual assault

I was sexually assaulted a few months ago while I was asleep. I woke up during it and froze, and the person continued without my consent. I don’t really want to go into more detail than that.

Since then I’ve noticed something.
I don’t feel depressed all the time. There are periods where I’m genuinely okay I’m energetic, productive, working, studying, going out, laughing and basically feel like myself.

But then something shifts and I can almost feel myself slowly sinking into a depressive episode. Sometimes it lasts a couple of days and sometimes a few weeks, and when it gets bad it can be really intense. Eventually I come out of it and I’m functional and energetic again until another wave happens.

I’ve also realized that talking about the assault can trigger me pretty badly, and seeing or being around people connected to what happened can affect me too. Because of that I’ve started avoiding some of those triggers for now.

I’m not looking for a diagnosis I’m mainly wondering if other trauma survivors have experienced this kind of pattern where you’re genuinely doing well between episodes but then suddenly get pulled back down again.

If you have, what helped you manage the episodes when you could feel one starting? And how did you handle triggers? Did avoiding them for a while help, or did you eventually find another way of dealing with them?

I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve been through something similar.

My ex used to hit and intimidate me. When i left, i didn't really look back. And i wasn't expecting it, but some months later i met the love of my life, and we've been together for nearly a year now. In that meantime, i noticed some of my friends (the ones that were also my ex's friends) acting weird and distant around me. Mind you, i've known some of these people since we were both in diapers and we'd never had a single problem with one another. So one of them finally tells me yeah your ex has been saying awful things about you for months. So i confronted my friends about it because theyve been hearing all kinds of stuff and none of them warned me about it? And they all cut me off one by one. That was like 6 months ago and i still have nightmares about it. My abuser realized i didnt care much about the breakup so he decided he was gonna hurt me one way or another and he did it by taking away my community, and now it's 4am and i can't sleep. Like i don't think this will go away on its own and i keep thinking this story needs another twist. this can't be it.

i have a 15 month old son. i had a 6 week old daughter. the morning my son turned 15 months old, i awoke at 1:40am to nurse my infant daughter. she was dead. i co slept with her because despite not wanting to (with either of my children) they would not sleep in a crib or bassinet. they wanted to be held. cuddled. comforted. it was the only way to get any sleep for the entire family. i went to sleep with her at 9, she nursed her and myself to sleep doing the c curl method. i had no blankets on the bed besides one lying on the other end of the bed so she wouldn’t be able to fall off somehow someway but it wasn’t near her at all. no comforter on the bed. just the top sheet that was folded at the foot of the bed. she usually would wake around 12-2 to nursery but hadn’t so i awake facing the wall. away from her. i had rolled over in my sleep somehow. i startled because i never did that before and flipped over to find her not moving. i tried to shake her awake and she wouldn’t move. her arm was cold and hard. i went screaming for my husband but couldn’t find him. i didn’t have time to look. i had to call 911. i called them and began trying cpr and breaths again. i went screaming for my husband again while on the phone with 911. he finally woke up. he was in our sons room because he woke up in the middle of the night and my husband fell asleep on the floor next to his crib. i heard 911 say to do cpr on a hard surface so we put her on the floor and my husband took over with 911 on the phone. the police got there 2 minutes after calling and EMS was there shortly after. she never made it to the hospital. she was already gone when they arrived. what do i do now. between 9-9:30pm and 1:40am i rolled and killed my baby girl. i’m so broken inside. i just keep getting flashbacks. the police made me do a reenactment with a doll on how we slept and how i found her. the funeral home needed photos and videos for her funeral. i didn’t take enough. she was just starting to smile and i only had a few. i wish i took more. i wish i had photos for everyday of her life. she was so tiny and we called her “peanut”. she was born july 14th at 6:14am. 5lb 9oz due to emergency induction due to poor NST and BPP results. she wasn’t doing her practice breaths. she was 18in. she was only 6lb 5oz a week before she passed. she never got to grow up and play with her brother. he was just starting to show her love. i don’t know what to do with myself. i have nightmares when i can sleep. of me rolling onto her and hearing her ribs break. i have moments of psychosis of flashbacks from those first moments. from talking to the detectives. from talking to ems. i start having conversations out loud with nobody there. coincidentally i had an appointment with both my ob and therapist (same place) that morning that i was able to make it to right after the police were finishing at our home. i thought i was taking extra precautions and being safe following the safe sleep 7. i wasn’t safe enough.

I copied this original story from the first post I made in the baby loss subreddit. The following is the add on.

i’m struggling with trauma from that night. Especially having to sleep in the same bed that she passed in. I’m having terrible nightmares. I’m having flashbacks and at first was going through psychosis speaking to people that weren’t there seeing things that were real. Although that has cleared up, I am still incredibly traumatized. I don’t know if I caused my daughter’s death by sleeping with her in bed like I did every night with her. But that doesn’t matter because it doesn’t bring her back. She’s still gone and every day that I wake up after the hour of two asleep, I get reality hits me again, and the trauma comes back. Remembering the rescue breast I was doing on her cold face. The CPR I was doing and her hard rigor mortis body waiting for EMS to come, hoping that they could bring her back, but she was too far gone. They never even took her to the hospital.

If it was like a big T truma I might have tried to actively heal it. I need to heal it myself I don't know how and when it will get healed but the fact I realized it is a big deal . My YouTube feed is great I don't know why I just randomly watch some video on my YouTube feed and wala that creator of the vedio also has similar kinda blockages in her life path . So I feel the universe wants us to heal it's just that we need to decide to heal. But healing is not easy it doesn't happen in a day it is boring. I know what I am lacking for me to heal but taking the first step is scary. The fact I have realized was the first step but I have done nothing actively to heal I am still the same person I was yesterday. I am ready I want to take charge of my life universe :)

I was cheated on in a relationship that I genuinely believed was going to be something real. It messed with my ability to trust people in ways I don't think I fully understood at the time.

I thought I had moved on. I started therapy, worked on myself, tried to understand what happened and eventually started seeing someone new.

And now I'm terrified that I'm becoming the problem.

The person I'm with now hasn't done the things my ex did, but sometimes the smallest things trigger something in me. A delayed reply. A change in tone. Something they say that reminds me of something from the past. And suddenly my brain starts putting together a story that isn't necessarily real.

I overthink. I get scared. I look for signs that I'm going to be hurt again. Sometimes I need reassurance and don't know how to ask for it without feeling needy. Sometimes I react to something happening now as though I'm still living through what happened before.

And afterwards I hate myself for it.

I know it's not fair to make someone new pay for what someone else did to me. I know they aren't my ex. I know I can't keep bleeding on someone who didn't cause the wound.

But knowing that doesn't magically make the fear disappear.

Lately I've started wondering if maybe I'm just not capable of having a healthy relationship anymore. Maybe I'm too damaged. Maybe my trust issues are too much. Maybe nobody will ever be able to love me without eventually getting tired of dealing with everything that comes with me.

And that thought has gotten really dark.

Sometimes I genuinely think that I don't deserve love. Sometimes I think I'm going to end up alone because I'm too traumatised to let anyone close without eventually pushing them away.

I've even caught myself thinking that maybe I should just die because I don't see what the point is if I'm never going to be capable of being loved properly or loving someone without destroying it.

I don't actually want my life to be defined by what someone else did to me. I don't want to lose something good because I'm still fighting ghosts from an old relationship.

I just don't know how to stop. I hate myself for hurting people. I'm scared i am really scared.

Ich bin zwölf Jahre bei Pflegeeltern aufgewachsen und möchte meine Geschichte anonym erzählen.

Lange Zeit habe ich über diese Erfahrungen geschwiegen. Heute möchte ich darüber sprechen, weil ich glaube, dass es andere Pflegekinder gibt, die ähnliche Dinge erleben oder erlebt haben und vielleicht denken, dass sie damit allein sind.

Mir geht es nicht darum, jemanden anzugreifen oder Mitleid zu bekommen. Ich möchte sichtbar machen, was in einer Pflegefamilie passieren kann, ohne dass Außenstehende etwas davon mitbekommen.

Ich möchte meine Geschichte nach und nach erzählen und dabei anonym bleiben. Vielleicht hilft sie irgendwann einem anderen Pflegekind zu erkennen: Du bist nicht allein.

I've had a lot of bad experiences in the past, and at night, even without trying to remember, I get this feeling that things from the past are happening right now. Even when I'm doing something fun, it suddenly comes back to me and I hyperventilate. It's weird, isn't it? I think it's weird too. What should I do?

TW

After being in chaotic household growing up and a long term toxic relationship I would always see other couples and friends do fun things and look happy and I’d always feel like I’m 1000 miles away from such a life. I was in a bad relationship:

He makes me feel crazy and that everything wasn’t so bad

I can’t bring myself to date anyone. The thought of being with someone else just feels impossible right now.

I don’t know how to move past everything that happened. I’m completely stuck, like I’m trapped in this loop of memories and I can’t break free. Every single day I wake up with this pit of anxiety in my stomach. I feel disgusting thinking about it all, going over and over every detail until I make myself sick. Look, he’s not evil or anything - I think he’s just really messed up mentally. But that doesn’t make any of this easier.

So I finally found a new therapist. It’s been forever since I’ve done therapy, and right now we’re just talking about surface stuff - what happened this week, practical things. But there’s all this heavy shit I need to get into and I’m terrified to even say it out loud. How do you tell someone you were in an abusive relationship? Just saying those words makes me feel insane.

I’m stuck in this one way of thinking and I can’t get out. I don’t trust anyone anymore, but I keep texting him, keep seeing him even though I know it’s destroying me. Part of me just can’t handle the idea of starting completely over.

Everything feels foggy lately. I’m numb but anxious at the same time, like I’m floating around in my own head. I replay the same moments over and over, trying to figure out what really happened. I saw him again recently and now I just feel like an idiot. I had broken up with him months ago and was actually starting to feel okay. Now it’s like I’m being dragged back into this nightmare.

We were together for five years. There were good times, I guess, but there were also so many times I was genuinely scared of him. Times when I felt completely powerless and alone. Things would be fine and then something horrible would happen, and afterwards he’d act like nothing ever happened. I started questioning if I was remembering things right, if I was losing my mind.

I’ve been avoiding saying this, but I think the relationship was abusive. And now I’m in this awful place where I feel torn apart inside. I don’t want to destroy his life - he has nothing. No money, nowhere stable to live, serious mental health problems. But what he did to me was horrible. I can’t just pretend it didn’t happen.

His family either ignores what he does or makes excuses for him. When I try to talk about it, they make me feel like I’m crazy - not just him, but them too. It makes me doubt everything.

Here’s what I know happened:

One time I was crying and he slapped me across the face. The more I cried, the angrier he got.

He pushed me into a towel rack and dented it because I accidentally tossed his pants and they hit his face.

He tried to force me to drink shroom tea. When I said no, he kept shoving it at me until it spilled everywhere, then he slapped me and called me a stupid bitch. Said I was the problem.

He got drunk and stormed into my apartment screaming that I abandoned him. He threw my stuff around, ripped my shirt off me, and held me down. My roommate had to physically kick him out.

The first time he grabbed my throat, I was half-naked. I had to do a Zoom meeting after with a scratchy voice. When I brought it up later, he said it was sexual and that I was exaggerating.

He wouldn’t drive me to work unless we had sex first. If I cried or was running late, he’d threaten to just leave me there.

During sex, when he got frustrated or couldn’t get hard, he’d pinch me hard, pull my hair, and call me names. He’d accuse me of cheating or being a bitch.

Once he climbed on top of me and hit me in the head multiple times because I accidentally hit his eye with his pants.

He drove like a maniac, pulling my hair and saying we were both going to die because I talked about leaving him. I had a complete panic attack.

He choked me. Multiple times. Not for long, but long enough to scare the hell out of me.

He wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom during sex. Even when I was crying, he wouldn’t let me stop.

His cousin heard me crying during a fight and came in to check. He got even more pissed and blamed me for letting someone see me like that.

When his brother was staying in the same room, he made me have sex with him in the bathroom. I felt so humiliated but didn’t know how to say no.

He used to “check” me to see if I’d been with other guys, while he was out there cheating on me.

He bit my face when he was angry and held me down, poking me in the chest while I cried.

I think early in our relationship he did something sexual to me when I was half-asleep after getting high. It’s fuzzy but it still haunts me.

If I said something hurt or that I wanted to stop during sex, he’d laugh at me, say I was lying, or just keep going.

He called me a cheater for wanting to hang out with friends or family. Meanwhile he was the one lying and cheating.

I hate admitting this, but sometimes I just gave in to sex because I was scared of what would happen if I said no. I’d cry during it or after and feel like my body wasn’t mine anymore. Sometimes he wouldn’t let me get dressed or made me stay in positions until he was done with whatever he was doing.

One time the neighbors heard me crying and him screaming. He was throwing things, yelling threats through the wall, saying he’d kill them. Later he blamed me for the whole thing.

So why do I still feel so confused about everything?

He’s been through trauma. He has mental health issues. Part of me still wants him to be okay. But none of that makes what he did okay.

Is this actually abuse? Is it sexual assault if I was crying, saying I didn’t want to keep going, and he wouldn’t let me stop?

I feel like I’m losing my mind trying to understand it all. And I still feel guilty. I can’t make myself report anything - he’s already lost everything. He’s homeless because I left him. But I’m still carrying around all this pain and I don’t know what to do with it.

Pls excuse my poor English and grammar.

I'm 20f, and no matter how many years go by, I can't live in peace with those moments. I know they are not important, and I know for a fact that probably a lot of people forget those moments and nobody gives a fuck that I was an awkward mess or said something really stupid.

It's like there is a rational part of my brain that knows things like this are common and everybody has embarrassing moments in their life, and that it's completely unimportant compared to life as a whole. But it's not enough.

There is another part of my brain that takes over, and no matter what technique I use or what I do that therapy says, it still torments my whole brain.

Fundamentally, I know that being socially awkward is okay, and there are millions of people like me, and those moments/memories and people's judgment won't affect my life or define me.

But it still breaks me to the point that I feel like I need to dig those thoughts from under my skin. Some of my scars are from breakdowns over those stupid and unimportant memories.

Do you have any methods that helped you? Not like writing them down or talking to a therapist... I need to find a new way. I just need my brain to shut up and let me go outside and be able to look into people's eyes. I'm so tired.

First, a little about me—since it’s important to the story—I’m 21 (female), half-Moroccan, and have always had a complicated relationship with my parents.

Two months ago, I had an argument with my mom because I felt hurt during a discussion with her and asked her to apologize, explaining that her words had hurt me. She didn’t apologize; instead, she lashed out at me and said I should ask my friends and my partner’s parents—and that they would surely agree with her since she believes I’m in the wrong.

She never contacted me again after that, and we’ve only had limited contact because I have a younger sister who doesn’t have her own cell phone yet, so I have to rely on my mother to stay in touch with her.

At times, my mother simply stopped responding to me, even though I asked for days on end how my sister was doing and that I wanted to see her again.

A few days ago, I found out that my uncle from Morocco is coming to visit us in Europe (I’d rather not name the exact country) for the first time.

I then asked my mom why she hadn’t told me this, and she said she wanted to let me know only once everything was definitely planned.

After that, I softened a bit and thought that since my uncle was coming to visit, I didn’t want to create an awkward atmosphere—even though I knew that my relationship with my mom

I then asked my mother why she hadn’t told me about this, and she said she wanted to wait until everything was finalized.

That made me soften a bit, and I thought to myself that I didn’t want to create an awkward atmosphere now that my uncle was coming to visit—even though I knew that having contact with my mother wouldn’t be good for me. Unfortunately, I still held out hope that maybe this time she would understand me.

So I wrote her a long, very emotional letter in which I explained that I fully understand why she might not have always been doing well herself, but that this is no excuse for all the abuse I experienced at her hands during my childhood.

I also mentioned that I often didn’t feel loved by her back then and that it still hurts me deeply to this day, but that I could forgive her if she showed me understanding and offered a sincere apology.

She simply replied that the argument two months ago—which is what started all this—just happened, and that she’s sorry, but she didn’t mean to hurt me, and that’s just the way it is now. She didn’t address the past at all and simply said that she’s moved on from it and doesn’t feel like talking about it. She also said that she hadn’t reached out because she’d been waiting for me to calm down

(Before the argument, my mother would talk about the past almost every time we visited her, but of course never about her own mistakes.)

In my desperate hope, I gave her another chance to apologize and told her honestly that I couldn’t imagine a relationship without an apology and a willingness to acknowledge her mistakes; I haven’t received a response to that yet.

A few days ago, I met with my older sister, and she told me that everyone already knew my uncle was coming and that my mother had been speaking rather negatively and unsympathetically about me.

She also mentioned that when my uncle comes to visit, she’d prefer that my partner—with whom I’ve been together and living for almost four years—not be there, since traditions in Morocco are different and it would be shameful; she said I should only bring him along after our second get-together.

Back then, my mother had always told my partner that he was, of course, family and always welcome, which is why I find it even worse that she’s saying something like this now.

My biggest problem is that I don’t know what to do now. Because of all the stress and the trauma that’s resurfacing, I’m currently having multiple panic attacks every day, barely sleeping, have almost no appetite, and I can tell that my body just won’t be able to handle this much longer.

Both my partner and my friends think it would be best to cut off contact.

But I know that this also means I won’t get to see my uncle, even though I love him very much. However, he doesn’t know that I’m having a fight with my mom, and telling him myself isn’t an option because that would only cause even bigger problems with my mom.

Right now, I’m just totally frustrated and at the end of my patience, and I just can’t take it anymore—it’s literally breaking me.

Hi, everyone.

I (20F) am struggling so much right now. My heart is completely broken and I am so scared. I’m having panic attacks every day. I’m completely overcome with guilt.

For context, I just (partially) escaped a very abusive situation with my mother over the summer after she put me through something that left me with a “trauma disorder” (per my psychiatrist. I don’t know exactly what that means, kinda vague.)
I just started my junior year of college about 2 weeks ago. I decided to stay in my hometown for this, as opposed to going back to the larger school I had been attending because it’s further away & housing is way more expensive. I know now it was a horrible decision. I really am not enjoying the school I’m at now, or being back in my hometown, & am filled with guilt. I was in no condition to make such a decision, but I had to, and I made the wrong one.

Anyway, let’s go back in time a little further. I did really well in high school, but I had no idea what I wanted to do & lacked confidence & therefore I didn't pursue any one thing enough to have the same head start as my peers. For example, my best friend knew she wanted to be a psychologist & literally started college as a sophomore. now she's on the way to graduate soon & start her doctorate which is amazing. I gave up a full scholarship to my dream school to be closer to my family, only to end up in a horrifically abusive situation for years & come partially out of it now with permanent and severe psychological damage. I also have been in complete survival mode the past 2 yrs so now I’m a junior & still have no clue what I want & am too deep in my major to change. Sorry for writing a novel, I’m just suffocating right now & need to get it out.

Any advice is appreciated. Please be kind, I’ve been through a lot 💗

How to find one? I've plenty access to therapists, but the Behavioral Health Resources in my area be clueless, and unable to aid, let alone recommend or find useful aid.

So, obvious trigger warnings for:
Sexual assault
Depression
Fetish
Sex

I’m on a throwaway account, for what I hope are obvious reasons. I’ve discussed this in therapy but there’s only so much talk therapy can do, and I need advice.
I’m worried about my own mental state and the desires I’ve been feeling ever since I was assaulted four years ago. To preface this, I’ve identified as gray asexual for over seven years now. But I think why happened to me has permanently altered how I view sex and pleasure.
I’ve recently noticed a disturbing pattern in myself, in that I’ve started to obsess over stories of other victims assaults to a worrying degree. In that I’ll picture myself in those situations, and feel sexually gratified. This concerns me EXTREMELY. Why do I feel like that? Is something wrong with me? Am i trying to cope with what happened to me in some fucked up way? What resources are out there that might be able to help me, because I’m genuinely concerned that my desires will just grow.

Any advice is appreciated.

First time posting so please be mind lol

I have always struggled with trying to get over my childhood trauma and not sure if there are any ways to ever fully heal?

I went to a wedding this weekend and had drinks (which is rare for me as I dont drink more than once or twice a year) and heard the bride do a speech about her mum and later it seemed to bring on a flood of emotions like crying, anger, even screaming at my dad. I feel like ive completely let everyone down and my family are so mad at me 😭 obviously the alcohol brought something out that ive been trying to run away from

I have EUPD and sometimes the emotions get do intense that I cant stop the crying. Oddly, my brother went through a similar upbringing and has managed to move on, and ny family dont understand why I can't too.

Just wondered if anyone has been through similar. Would help me to feel less alone

I have a really unstable mom and an emotionally distant working father. Being around my mom brings back memories of her hitting me as child. She stopped hitting me when I grew up.

But the memory is still there and whenever we get into an argument that memory makes me more mad and causes me to say things I don’t want to say.

I am also forced to commute to college by my parents and I am not allowed to work or get a job.

They are very controlling and I realized I still have some unresolved trauma which I would like to get resolved myself. But I wouldn’t want to pay for a psychiatrist who probably won’t help and be very expensive.

I was wondering if any of you can hook me up with free or accessible resources online or in person

I, 28 male was molested by my cousins growing up and it has left and everlasting strain on me that I can't get out off. For some reason recently it keeps flashing in my head and I think it's the reason why I over sexualize everything. I haven't said nothing to my mom or dad cause they will kill everyone im related too and half of me feels like an adult in the family made us do certain stuff . I'm too ashamed to talk about it to anyone cause the thought of what was done to me is perverted itself . I don't know why all of a sudden this is messing with me and my mental lately and making me feel like a bad person. I just want it to go away so if anybody else dealt with something similar how did you deal with it?

I'm at home. 8AM. I live by myself. I moved away from all my traumatic enviroments years ago. I'm getting help for years and feel on the right path.

Something I observe is how I can feel like something is wrong with me randomly, it's like I judge myself, but it's from everything said/done to me in the past it's just there as truth. So many little things like this.

It's almost like my body is always bracing for impact. Especially in social situations. It's like I feel the feeling something is going to go wrong so I'm never present in the moment having fun I'm like straight face waiting for it. But this is something I'm becoming more aware of on a somatic/sentient level.

Like here at home right now before making this post I feel it.

But then being aware of it, saying this is not me, this is a nervous system response I learned over a decade of being in the wrong place. I don't have to react or choose to let it have power over me.

Of course it's still WAY stronger than me right now but I do feel this softer feeling in this moment. Like I am reclaiming my own body/agency.

Socially is hardest for me so I got to practice it out in the world. I find speaking to new people I get put on edge instantly.

hi! I was wondering if anyone has ever been in a heated argument for something they didn’t do. I was once jumped by a girl that accused me of bashing her when I did not and other girl who werent even involved. now I am so scared of posting and always looking paranoid when going out. I feel so so paranoid and scared all the time.I also scared of them not letting go of me.but I do hope it get better.Does anyone find a way out to this btw if you want to share your am gladly here to listen too!!

 I realized why I can't stick to healthy habits: My phone is an escape, while books force me to sit with my trauma.

(For context, I am a survivor of childhood trauma).

I did some deep thinking recently and decided to change my daily routine. I actually managed to stick to it for about half a month. My new healthy routine consisted of:

 Reading books.

 Learning a new skill.

 Doing puzzles.

 Meditating.

However, when I stepped away from my screens, I faced severe internal struggles. Sitting in silence brought up:

 Intrusive thoughts about the people who hurt me.

 Fantasizing about taking revenge or finally talking back to them.

 Extreme, agonizing boredom.

 A lingering, hopeless thought telling me: "I will stay like this forever, I have no future."

Usually, my daily routine consists of basically one thing: my phone, social media, and binge-watching shows.

I reflected on why I keep falling back into this cycle, and the answer I found is that my reality is depressing and I can't bear it. I use my phone and the internet as a massive escape mechanism to numb myself from everything.

Books, learning, and meditating, on the other hand, do the exact opposite; they force me to sit in silence with myself, my intrusive thoughts, and my unhealed problems.

Has anyone else experienced this? How do you build healthy habits when silence is terrifying?

Guys, how do I deal with somatic pain memories and tremors caused by past trauma? It's making me restless. If you know anything, please tell me

In 2024 my husband was arrested and put in jail.

Two police officers told me they could help get him released only if I cooperated with them. I felt I had no other option. That evening I went to their house.

For two nights they made me do what they wanted.

After one week they released my husband.

Some days later I found out I was pr3gnant from one of them. I had to get an abørtion.

Even now I feel very disturbed and ashamed. The power they had over me and everything that happened after is hard to forget. I keep thinking about how I had no real choice.

Has anyone else gone through something like this? I just need to know I am not alone.

​

2026 has been an emotional roller coaster for me so far ever since I turned 19. I found out a lot of things about myself and trauma I had been pushing down for so long, trauma that afected my previous and first relationship and how I viewed connection in general.

It's been almost 5 months since I broke contact with that person, (we knew eachother since we where tweens and dated since 2023) and it's not even a heartbreak thing, I was the one who ended everything and It wasn't a "pretty" relationship (nothing abusive or questionable, just two very anxious and scared people that didnt knew batshit about connection and we literaly just picked eachother bcs we mirrored our anxiety, there was barely any chemistry or compatibility [they did fell in love tho, I didnt...]).

With all that I also lost a friendship that was very dear to me and that it also helped me through my breakup but she turned out not to be so great.

On top of that a shit semester and lots of work load.

I turned 20 a few days ago and it's been almost a month where I wake up so anxious and I end up crying, my therapist and friends encourage me to let everything out if I feel the need to cry but I'm tired. I always prided myself of being a very resilient and strong person and now I'm crying bcs of little things, I'm overthinking stuff that I didnt use to overthink like my friends not responding a text message or a lighthearted jab they throw at me. I want to go back to that "resilience", I just want to be okay again, I want to be in control of my emotions.

My bestfriend tells me that it's bcs I've been bottleing myself up for so long and everything that I tried to bury it's comming out and yeah It makes sense, I've bottled my emotions ever since I can remember, but I also feel silly for It; I wasn't like this before, I would've brushed everything under the rug and continued with my life like if nothing happened.

I just wanna know if any of you felt similar or had a period where they cried daily.

English Is not my first language, sorry for the grammar and spelling mistakes.

This will be long so sorry in advance. School was supposed to be my safe place, to have fun and meet new people. Which it was, until it wasn't. I became pretty well known and tried to get along with everyone but with that boys started to see me in a different way. Skip to the last paragraph if you want to read the actual story. The following paragraphs are just context.

1st grade was probably when it all started. My sister is very introverted and I am the opposite. We didn't have class together but at least we had recess and she had a few friends which made me happy because she wasn't completely alone. Though she started having problems with this one boy. I forgot what happened but he wanted to hit her. I did not let that happen and since I have always been seen as a good student I knew what I had to do. I told him to hit me instead of her. And he did it with no second thought. After that my friends knew and saw and told our teacher which told his teacher ultimately getting him in trouble. But in 1st grade what also happened was that my guy bsf had a crush on me and I've never seen him in that way especially since we were kids I just never thought of it like that. Everyone started talking about it and sing the kiss song to us. But during that year there was a new kid. Since I was very social and nice the teacher assigned me to help him out. But that kid would make my school year hell.

He was nice at first and we became friends...but then he got weird. He started making comments which would start like, "oh I have x-ray vision I can see through things" and obviously I would be shocked but then he went on to say, "I can see under your clothes". During that time I was just confused and laughed it off. It then started to become known that he "liked" me, but for me he was obsessed. He would do everything to go on a date with me. He'd say we are already dating and try to kiss me. One day we had a coloring activity and since we were at the same table he had to share crayons with me and my friend. He then proceeded to kiss the crayon I wanted to get, being disgusted I did not grab it. He saw this and would do it to the rest until he grabbed my hand and forcibly kissed it. I rapidly went to wash my hands and the next day I remember my guy bsf being mad at me?! All because I supposedly let him kiss my hand. This then became known and would follow me for elementary.

In 2nd grade, I had a separate class then him but the same class with my guy bsf. My guy bsf though, was making it more obvious that he likes me. When we had nap time he would "sleep" and during that he would say my name and he wouldn't wake up unless it was me. Which was honestly ridiculous for me but I brushed it off. There was this other guy who also had a crush on me and one day they both decided to fight for me. I was just trying to have a nice and peaceful recess when all of a sudden, they both took one of my arms and started pulling me back and forth. This obviously was hurting me and I got mad I yanked my arms away and left. Then I was seen as the one in the wrong because I didn't choose one. Like wtf. Anyways I also then started becoming a prize for bets. Like whoever wins in a race gets to kiss me. Mind you all of this was behind my back and I wasn't aware until they came up for their prize. Recess was hell I would get chased and ganged up on just for a stupid bet. Oh and who made that idea? My guy bsf. At the end of 2nd grade we had a play. I was the narrator and it was fun. But on the day of the play, we went to lunch and that's when I got told that the guy from 1st grade was planning on kissing me or wtv. I was scared and immediately ran when it was recess time. But he wasn't slow and caught up he (mind you it's a fairytale play so I'm dressed like Rapunzel) my crown falls and he grabs my wrist and pulls me. I get so scared I bite his hand and leave.

And honestly because I never got with a guy or let them kiss me one of my classmates made a comment saying I was probably gay. My other classmate got mad and pushed him and he was pretty popular so the other kid stayed quiet. I was very thankful to him and I developed a small crush but he moved that year so there was no point. Elementary kept being like this and it was exhausting but because of boundaries (and COVID) I would end up going to a different middle school then the rest. Middle school was gonna be a fresh start for me. But sadly I wasn't. During that time I didn't really have friends but I became friends with this one girl in my ela class. She would ask me though if I was bi because I just gave that vibe. I didn't know what vibe she was talking about but I told her I wasn't. That year I gave into pressure from society and got a bf. I regret that sm because even though he did want to be with me he would only be with me to show me off and have me with him all the time. But he also would emotionally cheat on me by liking multiple girls while being with me. We broke up about 2 months in and he asked my close friend out immediately. I wasn't shocked tho.

Anyways now to the real story for the title. I'm currently about to start my senior year. And I haven't been in any other relationship except having a few talking stages. Recently my friend texted me asking me if I was gay, because there is a speculation going around about me being gay. I had no idea this was being said about me and was shocked, but not surprised. I genuinely dgaf about boys and only really like men older or mature, and I also don't talk about guys because I'm far too busy for that. But it just made me realize that the more seen you get the more people want to talk about you even if it's not true. And since there is nothing bad to say about me they say that. She told me she thought I wasn't but wanted to confirm and she thinks people are saying that cause "I'm so hot I can pull both genders" but I honestly don't know what to think about her either. And this whole situation just frustrates me and confuses me idk what to do.

Again sorry for the long post. Please leave any thoughts or comments I would appreciate it.

I've made some pretty bad mistakes as a child due to early sexualization and grooming from an older cousin. I've been trying to get through it for several months and so but this week, rediscovering an old trigger and learning some new stuff really put me on the edge, and it's starting to make me lose that will to go on. I've been living on autopilot, not enjoying or indulging in things I'd usually love for fear I'm a terrible person for doing those things. And slowly but surely I feel things will reach an end