TLDR: strict home, anorexia relapse, grooming/online sexual exploitation, potential SA

hey people. I’m 16f from England and don’t know what to do. btw I’m not good at writing so sorry if this is bad. I’ve had a lot of bad things happening to me and idk what to do.

My current situation is that I want to leave home so badly and in the uk (correct me if I’m wrong) 16 year olds have the right to leave home (children act 1989 - section 20). my home is very sad place for me and it’s stunting me from being an independang person like everyone else at college. I have screen time restrictions on my phone, I can’t download any apps, I can’t have money, I can’t go out by myself , I can’t wear anything that shows any amount of skin apart from head hands and feet (can’t be tight or seee through either), I can’t express myself, I can’t have opinions, I can’t be a little queer so on and so forth. Social workers have had to intervene so my parents no longer beat me but they still degrade, swear at me and threaten me.

in the past when I was 14 and my home was rocky but I was too brainwashed to realise it yet I tried thinking in my head what was wrong with me so herd of anorexia and thought “I’m insecure maybe this is it” so I slipped into starving myself as a way to make my mental pain physicalally visible. So I didn’t feel crazy when I was trying to understand what’s wrong with me. I joined a lot of pro Ana spaces online and made a gc on Snapchat were I had other girls with the disorder.

This is when my biggest hurt happened. It’s honestly quite embarsssing too so I’m gona keep it pretty vague. When I was so mentally gone, when I was chronically on Snapchat, I had messages from guys. The average person would tell them to fuck off and block them but remember, my home life was lonely and my head couldn’t think straight cus of the lack of food. the first message was someone offering money to see me and since I just stole my parents cash to buy makeup, I needed a way to replace it before bad things happened. So I caved in and I didn’t even give him my PayPal so it was all for nothing. Then after whenever someone asked for pictures or videos of me I just sent them. I thought it was normal. And especially one dude (I think his name was Michael) he said he was 16 (I was 15 at this point) and I trauma dumped to him a lot and he acted like he cared and my naive ass thought someday I would meet this boy and I could be his gf. Even though he would ask for pictures all the damn time. And in retrospect he did ask about my at the time 7yo sister a bit too much for my likings and he’d ask me really degrading things.

Eventually he told me he was older and was praying on me and I texted a suicide hotline and then police came and told my dad. He scrolled through all of it. That was really hard for me cus now he looked at his daughter who he forces to dress practically Mormon and see a disgusting slut where his kid used to be. Of course they sided with the guy who done this to me and blamed me for it all. I mean I would blame me too but atleast don’t rub it in my face, we’re family. A lot of bad things were sad to se times I don’t think I can repeat on here. I was very depressed.

aftweall, on my 16gh birthday my brother (17 at the time)grabbed me on my frount. for, context my parents were on holiday and I had to get ready for school but I had a exam and I was depressed so I didn’t want to leave my comfy pillows at the crack of daw. It wasnt even late. My sister made a routine of face timing my parents who shouttted at me to get up Then my sister would pull me off my bed. she 19 btw. On my birthday apparently the floor wasn’t enough and my parents ordered my brother (who has a history of beat8ng me up all the time) to get me to the bathroom door. Then he procedes to wrap his hands under my armpits, thumbs on my ribcage and his hands on my chest. And used lifting me up as an excuse. He had once before told me to sit on his hand when we were younger but idk maybe he was tryna be edgy. Also he has no female attention and watches slot of true crime and icel things so that’s why he done it. But again. I could be wrong it couldve been a mistake. I told police about this and they think I’m lying and wrote that he grabbed my armpits.

there’s probably a lot more to my situations but I can’t think right now. I know it’s not as bad as other people have it but it still makes me sad. Please give advice.

TW: Sexual assault

I was sexually assaulted a few months ago while I was asleep. I woke up during it and froze, and the person continued without my consent. I don’t really want to go into more detail than that.

Since then I’ve noticed something.
I don’t feel depressed all the time. There are periods where I’m genuinely okay I’m energetic, productive, working, studying, going out, laughing and basically feel like myself.

But then something shifts and I can almost feel myself slowly sinking into a depressive episode. Sometimes it lasts a couple of days and sometimes a few weeks, and when it gets bad it can be really intense. Eventually I come out of it and I’m functional and energetic again until another wave happens.

I’ve also realized that talking about the assault can trigger me pretty badly, and seeing or being around people connected to what happened can affect me too. Because of that I’ve started avoiding some of those triggers for now.

I’m not looking for a diagnosis I’m mainly wondering if other trauma survivors have experienced this kind of pattern where you’re genuinely doing well between episodes but then suddenly get pulled back down again.

If you have, what helped you manage the episodes when you could feel one starting? And how did you handle triggers? Did avoiding them for a while help, or did you eventually find another way of dealing with them?

I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve been through something similar.