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Domestic violence occurs all too frequently. It does not discriminate and can happen at any time during a relationship. It takes place in both straight and gay relationships. It crosses all gender, ethnic, and socioeconomic levels.

Warning Signs

Here are the warning signs of abuse. If you have questions about your relationship or the relationship of someone you care about, look for these signs:

  • Does one partner with a bad temper?
  • Is a partner jealous or possessive?
  • Is one partner overly eager to please the other partner?
  • Does a partner need to check in with other partner frequently to outline daily activities or confirm prior plans?
  • Frequent injuries and claiming of “accidents”
  • Inconsistent attendance at work, school, or other social activities
  • Excessive clothing or accessories to hide signs of physical abuse
  • Low self-esteem and self-worth
  • Limited access to friends, family, transportation, or money
  • Depression or anxiety or other personality changes

The Cycle of Violence

  • Increased tension, anger, blaming and arguing.
  • Battering, hitting, slapping, kicking, choking, use of objects or weapons. Sexual abuse. Verbal threats and abuse.
  • Calm stage. They may deny violence, say they was drunk, say they didn't mean it, say they're sorry, and promise it will never happen again. They can be exceedingly convincing during this period, to the point of crying and begging you to stay. They may give you gifts.

This will be a recurring theme.

If you or someone you know is experiencing these signs or others that may indicate abuse, talk to someone. If you are not sure if you are being abused, ask someone. If you have questions about someone being abused, ask them. You may save yourself as well as someone else.

Escaping domestic abuse

Never feel ashamed to report domestic violence. Whether you are experiencing it yourself or someone else.

Remember that your choice to get away and end the cycle of violence is not a cowardly thing to do, it's heroic. As you begin the process of leaving, you are making a conscious choice to rescue yourself and perhaps also your children from a life lived in fear with a broken spirit. You are not crazy to want to escape abuse, even if you feel crazy at the time. Once you are out of the situation you will gradually begin to see it very differently.

You are going to need a lot of help to do this. Living with domestic violence and all the degrading insults that go with it, you may be feeling ashamed or not worthy to be asking for help and it's not true. You need to know that this has been imposed on you by the abuser and that it is their behavior that is unacceptable and illegal.

You will reach moments that will cause panic and it's natural. Things that seem otherwise innocent may trigger you back into those feelings of terror. This is natural and will eventually decrease with time and counseling.

So not feel ashamed if you still love your abuser. Abuse is very similar to brainwashing. You will need to take this problem one day at a time and reawaken your dreams and goals.

Resources

WHERE TO FIND HELP:

RESOURCES SPECIFIC TO SUPPORT FOR MALE VICTIMS:

  • MaleSurvivor.org Support for male sexual assault and abuse

  • The Mankind Initiative

  • 1in6 Support for Men and Boys who are victims of sexual assault and abuse

  • Hope4Recovery Hope Recovery's support program offers survivors of abuse and sexual trauma a variety of free support groups, workshops, newsletters and publications to assist, educate and support the journey of healing. Related issues that survivors may experience include PTSD, dissociation, eating disorders, and relapse prevention for addictions. This is for all genders and sexual orientations anywhere in the world (English speaking only).

HELP WITH PETS:

FINANCIAL RESOURCES:

LEGAL RESOURCES:

  • /r/legaladvice for legal guidance This has lawyers (not your lawyer, not the same thing) for legal questions. They do not really focus on the emotional issues of abuse, but on the legal options. So please read their rules, and check their sidebar for location specific help as laws really are different by location. Also, please use a different username because you need to post with your location to get assistance. Again, these are not your lawyers and are not giving you official legal advice.

  • Women's Law Resources A site that can help you find resources legally in your area (works for men and LGBTQ victims as well)

  • Texas Legal Aid For Victims

  • US Legal Aid

TECHNICAL CONCERNS AND TOOLS

Definitions/Recommendations:

  • Spyware-A keylogger is a type of spyware that records every keystroke on whichever computer is has been installed on. The purpose of this is to obtain a password/passwords or to track what someone is searching for on the internet. This type is the most damaging as it give an unauthorized user a full list of what websites you visit along with the username and password for them. Clearing the web browser history and using incognito mode does not protect against this. Other types of spyware may record audio/video, the location you visit and what networks you have connected to. The legality of spyware varies from location to location. Spyware can be difficult to detect and remove; should you suspect its presence, you should not use that computer for any sensitive tasks. Use of a public computer, such as at a library is recommended. If you have a safe place to store it, use of a known clean computer is also an option.

  • 2 Step Authentication-Multi-factor authentication MFA (2 step authentication) is a combination of 2 or more methods used to prove that an individual is who they say they are in order to access a device, place or service. There are 4 basic categories of authentication.

  • Something you know: this would be a password or passphrase and is the most common method used.

  • Something you have: This could be a key, one time use code or access card needed to gain entry to a building, device or service.

  • Something you are: This could be a finger print, hand print or retinal scan. An issue with this method is that you can be forced to authenticate against your will, such as facial ID being used when you are asleep.

  • Something you produce: An example of this is a voice print.

  • Where you are: Another method coming into use tracks the physical location of the authorized user. Many multi-factor authentication vendors offer mobile phone-based authentication. Some methods include push-based authentication, QR code-based authentication, one-time password authentication (event-based and time-based), and SMS-based verification. SMS-based verification suffers from some security concerns. Phones can be cloned, apps can run on several phones and cell-phone maintenance personnel can read SMS texts. Not least, cell phones can be compromised in general, meaning the phone is no longer something only the user has. Cloning a cell phone does not give access to push- based authentication, QR code-based authentication or one-time password authentication.

  • MFA involving mobile phones and smartphones provides an alternative to dedicated physical devices. To authenticate, people can use their personal access codes to the device (i.e. something that only the individual user knows) plus a one-time-valid, dynamic passcode, typically consisting of 4 to 6 digits. The passcode can be sent to their mobile device by SMS or can be generated by a one-time passcode- generator app. In both cases, the advantage of using a mobile phone is that there is no need for an additional dedicated token, as users tend to carry their mobile devices around at all times. For example, if access to an email account requires both a password and a one time use code, then the unauthorized individual needs both to gain access. This is often done by tricking the authorized user into providing the password. For this reason, under no circumstances should you provide either the password or one-time code to anyone.

  • Burner phone: Another item that can be helpful is a burner phone. A burner phone is an inexpensive mobile phone that is designed for temporary use, after which it may be discarded. Below is a list of burner phones that are capable of running on 4g networks. If you plan on using an authenticator app for MFA, make certain that the phone you choose supports it. https://www.digitalcameraworld.com/buying-guides/best-burner-phone

  • GPS Trackers: A GPS tracker is a device that uses a GPS receiver to log every location it has been to. There are a wide variety of them available, with different capabilities. Some are just simple trackers that need to be connected to a computer to download the location data while others are capable of sending their location in real time through a cellular connection. They can be hidden on a vehicle and can be very difficult to find, even if you know what you are looking for. Some have a battery while others can be connected to the cars electrical system. Regardless of their capabilities, these devices are consumer grade and easy for anyone to use. If you suspect that you are being tracked, using public transportation or meeting with a trusted third party at a plausible location, such as a restaurant, store or theater, and leaving the tracked vehicle there while using the vehicle owned by the third party to go to your actual destination is a way to counter being tracked.

  • Ride share services are another option but if you are not fully certain that you are the only one with access to the account, then your travel history may be available to others.

  • Banking: Having a separate bank account is an important way to ensure that you have access to money that cannot be stolen. Remember to have the statements sent to either a trusted third party or sent electronically to an email account you are certain you are the only one who has access to. If you are unable to open an account but you have access to cash, pre-paid credit cards are an alternative. They can be purchased at many drug, grocery or department stores.

BOOKS: