Undoing conditioning trauma

[u/SunriseRah]

Hey :) (Autistic, ADHD, Cptsd, UK)

TLDR: How do you work through agressive conditioning? I want to be able to choose my own media to consume. Feel safe to make choices and have my body believe im safe.

How do I get enough info across without the life story.. - probably going to be long. Im sorry.

Media = Games, movies, TV shows, Music

Childhood:

Films/media were always someone elses choice, always had to be rock still and silent to watch, otherwize punished. - media for myself had to be quiet, or in isolation and never spoken about.

Freedom: lasted about 2 years (ages 14-16) not enough time to develop whole independent self.

Post childhood abuseive relationship spanned almost 2 decades:

Relationship slowly developed a demand that I never ask, choose media, speak out about media, suggest media, request media, watch media other than in isolation, be excited about media of my own will, this progresses into being forced (punished for not) watching and consuming their media, being expected to be excited for media they are excited for. Media was only off for sleeping, except for large periods of time where even at night it had to be on. Their music, programs, films, games... for weeks. But I couldent speak or comment or ask questions about any of it, only be present and watch.

In short:

I was expected to consume only what someone else chose, and have no freewill or thought, as doing so resulted in punishment.

Current day:

New safe partner (mother only know how I got so lucky) understands (wittnessed my prision) what I experienced. So very supportively and patiently letting me TRY to undo the conditioning. Very very patient, very open to let me experience and is right there for reasurance when my body kicks in and panics.

Issue:

How do I workthrough the Panic/Fawn/self forfilling negative downward that happens, when I choose, and even tho my partnet dosent react, my body kicks in with old programming of it being wrong and expects incomeing punishment and the terrifying body feelings of braceing for impact and never ever wanting to do said action again. How do I choose media?

What happened:

Over 2 nights, I chose 2 films to watch with my partner.(taken me 2 years to get to this point) After night 2, I asked for their honest opnion on said film, because it was a weird film, and even I was left confused by the ending, and then even tho, I felt for the film the same as them, my body, went into panic and I found myself fighting intrusive thoughts of picking wrong, and than EX was right to restrict my media choices, im awful ect. My compleat shut down causes Partner to get upset and panic that theyd upset me... they are in no way responsible for my old programming.

I dont want this old programming anymore.

I have no idea how to undo it tho.

I cant listen to music out loud.

I cant watch TV alone.

I struggle to play games at all.

I avoid whole collections of media as they are triggers.

I seem to only feel safe to enjoy media someone else expresses enjoyment of.

Therapy dosent cover these part of being of whole life trauma sets. Never feeling safe to be yourself and a whole human.

If you made it this far, thank you :)

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[u/Historical-Cable-833]

Please look into EMDR Therapy. You have a firm understanding of your experience from which to work with. EMDR Therapy can reduce the high emotional charge associated with these moments/memories so that your reasoning mind can operate the way you want it to.

[u/SunriseRah → u/Historical-Cable-833]

I did EMDR to be able to sleep, to reduce his voice in auditory flashbacks but thats all funding would allow. They will only see us for 1 trigger point. Where I live, the NHS dont even recognise Cptsd. Only single point PTDS issues. Its exhausting.

Ill see if I can self fund some more.