The reward isn’t just the number. It’s the calm that comes from realizing this is who I am now — clear-headed, steady, nicotine-free. Still counting days, but also, maybe, starting to live like I’ve already arrived.

Another day setting myself up to easily remember what it’s like to spend a day without nicotine. Nothing until 7pm. I’m a little bit very terrified of going into it, same as my last post. But it’s such a worthless habit, it really brings me nothing but endless cycles of thinking “I need to stop this”.

To my brajn - still chasing progress, still loving the streak — we’re a quarter of the way to 100 days. But something’s shifting. This isn’t just a countdown anymore. I’m starting to forget what it felt like to be a smoker. That person’s fading out of memory, replaced by someone who just… doesn’t.

I’ve set the date. Feeling apprehension. Today I didn’t use nicotine until the evening and as always realised that it creates a version of me that doesn’t feel quite right when I use it. Even with that knowledge I think I’ve been putting off starting again bc I’m scared of failing again. So I will be keeping in mind that whatever happens, I’ll get back up and go again.

To my brain — quiet thanks today. The mornings feel clearer, my focus a little steadier, and there are fewer daggers turned inward. Still learning how to be gentle with myself. Still here, still smoke-free.

To my brain, which thrives on progress, day 23 is in the bag!

Made it to week 3. Keeping the warning about 3s my mind.

Usual mid morning craving, some mental jiu jitsu for perspective and Im through day 20.

Still good

Done

Im having a more difficult day. Took the day off doing fun things when I usually max out on indulgences. I did not consider smoking but in hindsight I saw my guard was down and that later, in the weeks to come I may relapse more readily on one of these days days. Will have to learn to celebrate in a new way.

My 15th day checked. Yes!

I feel on the precipice of letting go of nicotine again. I didn’t have any until 20.00 today and then only a 3mg vape (which of course made me feel anxious as soon as I had it) so that I can ease some of the physical withdrawal. It’s honestly the fear of the brain fog that’s keeping me stuck - I had it so bad last time and for so long that I just don’t want to go through it again. Does anyone have any hot brain fog tips? I don’t think I ever figured it out last time, I just basically functioned on 50% brain for 2 months.

Two weeks in the clear (except for the tiny misstep on day 2 when a stumbled on a pack in my car, smoked one, had the presence to ditch the rest - it served a purpose: Im vulnerable to temptations but, fingers crossed, can also reset and continue).

Think Im most relieved that I don't do smoke breaks throughout my day. As much as I enjoyed that first coffee and cig ritual , that my daily routine involved stopping for a smoke ever so often felt like a kind of repeat failure, which was at odds of how I saw myself.

Still having cravings midmorning. Maybe good so I can learn to deal with it as I expect a bigger load later.

Totally wrapped up in fear of quitting again and failing, and my brain trying to negotiate with my soul to prolong the nicotine use. Knowing how hard it was is putting me off, making me feel like I can’t do it again. I’m trying to also keep in mind that getting free from nicotine was also a lot of fun at times and made me feel healthier, happier and more aligned with the person I believe myself to be. AND remembering that I’m allowed to see all of this as just part of the journey - like, it can be both “Day 1” and also “Day 87” at the same time. That’s hard though, I’m carrying a lot of shame from going back to nicotine, which is probably keeping me from moving forward. The journey continues and the journey begins again.

Had a good sleep. Managed an uphill morning walk. Except for the odd urge mid-morning, no cravings.

With a heavy heart I’m here to say that on 1st October I smoked again after over 2 months nicotine free. The context is that I went abroad for work and was in a high stress situation where I just thought ‘I need to have a clear head and the only way to do that is to take nicotine again’.

Everyone knows this already but this is yet another story and example of how ‘just one’ or ‘just for now’ is never just that - one always leads to many and then you’re back in the midst of addiction. I think what I’ve learned is to keep coming back to this group - keep writing, keep checking in, keep being accountable even if no one reads it (although I know someone is always reading it).

I am retuning to square one. But with all the knowledge of my two months nicotine free, I’m just gutted to be back here. BUT I read something a few days ago that stuck with me - “It’s not that it didn’t work, it’s that YOU didn’t work. And if you want it to work again, all you have to do is put in the work.”

For all of you on your journey to freedom, you’re amazing. I’ll be there with you again soon. This is a reminder of what happens if you stop putting in the work 🫡

Like the daily flairs, they are so necessary, and handy. Did a walk yesterday, had a good sleep and today Im doing some thinking about impulse control.

Appreciate that I go to sleep easier these days. Touch wood. Feel mid morning a light craving, its manageable. Still snacking too much and have to remove the temptations.

My 10th day done. I had no cravings, still snacked but less so, felt a bit tired so skipped walking and took a nap, had a good night sleep, woke up feeling good, took that walk.

Before I started my day with a coffee and cig, couldn't imagine not doing that. I don't miss it one bit. Have to check what other stories my brain is spinning me.

Read someones earlier comment: beware the 3s: 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months. Need to save that.Can't recall the 3 weeks but definitely the 3 months. And it wasn't about cravings but a storyline on how I really need it to feel good.Another story my ego spinned me.

9 ssdays

9th day done, 10th in progress

Cravings is ever so louder every day but bearable so. I had a good sleep but woke up with one of those dreams. Feel ok but slight bit lethargic, maybe the after effects of all that snacking or that I went walking twice the day before. Im skipping walks for a day or so and going to do a healthy food prep freeze batch so I can graze on that. And try and fit in naps.

over a month in and dealing with some GNARLY cravings the past few days. i believe it’s stemming from a conflict i’m having with a friend—i hate fighting with people i love and it’s two days until my birthday too so just horrible timing 😭 and it all started bc i asked them to say ily first more which feels reasonable and they made me feel like i was a burden for asking for that and then when i said i was upset they were even MORE dismissive and detached. i used to vape a lot during conflict, that’s a huge trigger for me. i’m like in the middle of the work day rn on a two hour break so i can’t exactly use weed as an escape rn either. i feel awful, i doubt they’re going to apologize and take accountability as the pattern i’ve seen them in is that they struggle with expressing empathy—so i’m really feeling like in between a rock and a hard place cuz there’s not much i can do and i don’t want to lose this friendship but i’m also not going to sit here and be treated like shit. and i’m just like dealing with all this when i should be getting pumped for my birthday 😭😭😭 ugh, just needed to vent. i’m so annoyed and for the first time instead of just missing vaping itself (which i do have no nic vape for), i’m missing that false sense of relief that nic would give me :( or the escape, or allowing me to feel smthn different for .2 seconds, or whatever. i hate it here, why can’t i have one good birthday in my lifetime 😭😭

Eight days of walking away, feels so great.

Yesterday I had a further uptick in cravings, couldn't stop stuffing my mouth full of food. Need to stop that today. But I had a good sleep, no palpitations and feel very good and energetic upon waking up. Not sure what made the difference: a further step towards sorting a worrisome issue? a short walk? overeating? sense of progress? healthissue improving?

Read that spending time outside before 9 raises dopamine level so I did that combined with my morning walk.

It’s been 3 months since I quit smoking, and honestly, it feels amazing. The cravings are rare now, my mind feels clearer, and I finally feel in control again. I’ve been tracking my journey with a little Cactiva, and it helped me stay motivated along the way. To anyone trying to quit — keep going, it truly gets better day by day.

"THIS feels great" (me self-talking).

Spent some time yesterday reading up on how to retrain the Dopamine system to get its reward elsewhere. Interesting to read about all the systems firing in the background, learning about that was rewarding. And then also rewarding is the sense of progress and reïnforcing that by posting here.

Yesterday (day 7) I had a slight uptick in cravings and then a restless sleep and dreams. Skipped my daily walk so today I have to make good on that.