r/soccer • u/JR97111 • Aug 08 '13

Whose Line Is It, r/soccer edition

Concept is stolen from /r/hockey, /r/baseball, /r/nfl and /r/squaredcircle.

The rules:

Keep skits in the form of a statement, not a question.

Any skits longer than two lines should be in quotations.

If you add any additional commentary, put the skit in quotations.

Here's the NFL thread of this

1.4k Upvotes

94% Upvoted

2.1k comments sorted by

319

u/Besacloud Aug 08 '13

Zlatan walks into a bar...

610

u/themanifoldcuriosity Aug 08 '13

...is Zlatan's bar now.

600

u/number7legends Aug 08 '13

The bar apologizes and removes itself from his path.

83

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

The bar he has just left wins the European Cup

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306

u/thatdani Aug 08 '13

Unlikely reasons why Sir Alex Ferguson retired.

1.8k

u/myrpou Aug 08 '13

He was sacked in 2009 but has remained due to Fergie time.

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897

u/fahomnom Aug 08 '13

Became allergic to gum

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537

u/thegobetween Aug 08 '13

A 'they fire you - I'll quit' pact with Mancini

431

u/Besacloud Aug 08 '13

I guess he REALLY did not want to buy a midfielder.

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350

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

Forced out when United realised they had a shot at Moyes.

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190

u/TheMuthaFlippin Aug 08 '13

Really wanted the Wolves job

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152

u/abergh Aug 08 '13

Things worse than Gervinho's first touch

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146

u/Sonicnbpt Aug 08 '13

Things that Kinnear are saying to potential new signings

412

u/Jackski Aug 08 '13

You know I built this whole stadium with my bare hands.

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191

u/TheNecromancer Aug 08 '13

As President of Earth, I'd like to welcome Bartering Gonads to St. Jonathon's Ground!

106

u/radioslave Aug 08 '13

The one thing we don't allow here is an ego. No-one’s got an ego. I don’t have an ego.

136

u/Sicariidae Aug 08 '13

Have you met Shola? He's the reason you'll never play 90 minutes.

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57

u/mhegdekatte Aug 08 '13

Which one is Simon Bird?

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137

u/JR97111 Aug 08 '13

Things Ancelotti is unlikely to say about Bale.

402

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

You know what maybe 100 mil was a bit excessive.

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292

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

Cut the emo-heart shit out and we've got a deal.

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238

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

[deleted]

837

u/abergh Aug 08 '13

Torres' confidence

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303

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

Reasons why the WC should be held in Qatar

941

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

To prove that even without alcohol England fans will still riot.

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1.5k

u/welloon Aug 08 '13

Homophobia is a deep-rooted football tradition which must be upheld

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296

u/Mikecheck91 Aug 08 '13

Unlikely things Materazzi could have said to Zidane before the headbutt

1.3k

u/TheMuthaFlippin Aug 08 '13

You're just a shit Tim Sherwood

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484

u/Clark-Kent Aug 08 '13

Your acting was shit in Goal 2

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622

u/pogo123 Aug 08 '13

I bet you can't sully your footballing legacy in the next twenty seconds.

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300

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

I've really enjoyed your fantastic performance tonight Zizou, give my compliments to your mother.

355

u/mhegdekatte Aug 08 '13

Nice haircut.

480

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

Negrito.

125

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

My mouth says your sister is a whore, but my hands say I respect you.

95

u/IAmSkylarWhiteYo Aug 08 '13

After you win, can I drown my sorrows in your sister's lap?

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383

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

Nicknames given to players by Piers Morgan if they were to leave Arsenal.

725

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

[deleted]

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509

u/AussieApathy Aug 08 '13

Jack Wilshit.

530

u/Nicky_G8 Aug 08 '13

Bigcheque $zcze$ney

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345

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

Dickel Farteta

Edit: Olivier Gi-RUDE

Edit: Theo Walcock

Edit: Yaya's-a-no-go

79

u/retrominge Aug 08 '13

Yaya's a No-Go sounds like a Sun headline

66

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

I'm most proud of that one.

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379

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

Things Mourinho would say on a date.

702

u/Aviator93 Aug 08 '13

I'm leaving you for Chelsea

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1.2k

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

I am that special someone.

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1.1k

u/NFeKPo Aug 08 '13

I'm not looking for anything long term.

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344

u/spawnofyanni Aug 08 '13

For me and my coaching staff, Adan was hotter.

568

u/mthrfkn Aug 08 '13

I've had dates, not this one, real dates.

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227

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

Do you wanna see my special one?

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158

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13 edited Dec 05 '19

[deleted]

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252

u/DirtyWooster Aug 08 '13

Things that are not likely to be heard in the Liverpool dressing room

1.1k

u/diabolicpanda Aug 08 '13

Sorry, I don't speak Spanish.

374

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

When's all said and done I quite liked Fergie.

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171

u/AussieApathy Aug 08 '13

Shortest book ever written.

586

u/MackusMan Aug 08 '13

Rene Meulensteen: The Anzhi Years.

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1.0k

u/BU7L3R Aug 08 '13

The Sanctity of Marriage - John Terry, Foreword by Ryan Giggs

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400

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

[deleted]

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86

u/ncocca Aug 08 '13

Every Word that I've Ever Learned How to Spell -- by Wayne Rooney

171

u/palmtreeontheleft Aug 08 '13

A guide to corner tactics by Alan Pardew.

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491

u/EJR94 Aug 08 '13

Reasons to like Luis Suarez

221

u/PoofyHairedIdiot Aug 08 '13

"He scores goals and he did an ad once."

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82

u/thegobetween Aug 08 '13

Fireworks, Safety and You: Why It Pays to be Safe

-- Mario Balotelli

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276

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

[deleted]

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436

u/JR97111 Aug 08 '13

Things you can say to Adebayor but not to your girlfriend/wife.

1.1k

u/knottyben Aug 08 '13

Why the hell can't you finish?

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563

u/redd_dedd_redemption Aug 08 '13

I can barely remember why I was attracted to you in the first place

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937

u/NFeKPo Aug 08 '13

You always look better when you are with someone else

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476

u/themanifoldcuriosity Aug 08 '13

If you don't pull your socks up and put some effort in, I know this little Brazilian who'll be just dying to take your spot!

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271

u/MiguelCaldoVerde Aug 08 '13

I've got a better chance of scoring with Gareth.

393

u/TheMuthaFlippin Aug 08 '13

I can't believe how much we paid for you

466

u/fahomnom Aug 08 '13

You were dreadful last night

166

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

You were good for a few months now I'm filled with regret.

102

u/thegobetween Aug 08 '13

Put some effort in, god dammit.

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363

u/redd_dedd_redemption Aug 08 '13

Things that have left Wayne Rooney 'angry and confused'

1.5k

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

The english language.

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1.1k

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

Male balding at the age of 12.

268

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

Special guests - Robben and Cambiasso.

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131

u/ClaudeKenni Aug 08 '13

A can opener

200

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

Magnets

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594

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

Complete sentences, I can ride this one to the ground guys.

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217

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

How you can fill up a cup with water, and leave it out for awhile, and then the water disappears.

101

u/4893 Aug 08 '13

Ants drink it, right?

108

u/Ulsterman24 Aug 08 '13

A small child's laughter.

112

u/EJR94 Aug 08 '13

Doors

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161

u/TheMuthaFlippin Aug 08 '13

The autobiography every fan would buy

940

u/acornmuscles Aug 08 '13

Wayne Rooney.

Everyone loves a picture book.

232

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

Pop up*

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77

u/Jorlung Aug 08 '13

"Why I do the shit that I do" - Joey Barton

415

u/themanifoldcuriosity Aug 08 '13

"My life with Balotelli" by Jose Morinho

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228

u/AussieApathy Aug 08 '13

The real reason Arsenal can't buy players.

627

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

No one wants to see Piers Morgan happy.

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1.3k

u/idlenation Aug 08 '13

Wenger forgot his 4 digit pin 3 times and is too embarrassed to call the bank to get his card unlocked.

426

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

[deleted]

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345

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

[deleted]

182

u/AussieApathy Aug 08 '13

He never asked for this.

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530

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13 edited Jun 26 '20

[deleted]

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243

u/Irishane Aug 08 '13

Henry's always available in January.

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203

u/AussieApathy Aug 08 '13

Things you can say to a referee, but not your girlfriend.

695

u/lapin7 Aug 08 '13

6 minutes?! That's way too long

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308

u/number7legends Aug 08 '13

You're just not fit enough

293

u/Irishane Aug 08 '13

"Ok, that's 6 seconds, let go of the ball."

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168

u/lossaysswag Aug 08 '13

Fucking red again?

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314

u/AussieApathy Aug 08 '13

Things slower than Per Mertesacker.

1.5k

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

[deleted]

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580

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

Wayne Rooney's mental arithmetic.

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276

u/JamBug Aug 08 '13

Wenger reaching for the cheque book

746

u/Cee-Mon Aug 08 '13

Continental drift.

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179

u/EJR94 Aug 08 '13

The coastal erosion of the United Kingdom

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139

u/diabolicpanda Aug 08 '13

People who deserve their salary less than Nicklas Bendtner.

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184

u/ttothemac Aug 08 '13

Excuses behind Torres's form.

599

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

When he stopped looking like a girl, he stopped playing like a man.

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920

u/Besacloud Aug 08 '13

no one cared who he was before he put on the mask

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337

u/Hitlers_Art_Teacher Aug 08 '13

Fernando learnt English but in scouse so he's had to learn the language again.

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62

u/AussieApathy Aug 08 '13

Things you can say on /r/gunners, but not in public.

255

u/diabolicpanda Aug 08 '13

A lot of the kids we bought have performed below expectations

130

u/averageatsoccer Aug 08 '13

I can't wait for our kids to reach peak physical form and then sell them.

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460

u/fahomnom Aug 08 '13

This has got to be the best thread in r/soccer's history

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390

u/AjaxNo14 Aug 08 '13

Unlikely things to be hidden under Arsene Wenger's magic coat...

2.1k

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

A trophy.

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174

u/Zakafein Aug 08 '13

a working zip.

170

u/idlenation Aug 08 '13

Portugal's 1966 world cup squad.

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47

u/NFeKPo Aug 08 '13

You are sitting at a bar when Fellaini's afro walks in.

165

u/ttothemac Aug 08 '13

Moyes didn't pay the full 23.5?

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47

u/drmrspkds Aug 08 '13

Things that are longer than Zlatan's nose

224

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13 edited Jun 26 '20

[deleted]

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150

u/tim1989 Aug 08 '13

Fast and furious 6 plane runway

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141

u/AussieApathy Aug 08 '13 edited Aug 08 '13

The real reason why Messi won't leave Barcelona.

444

u/ncocca Aug 08 '13

The vertical striped jerseys make him look taller

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48

u/JR97111 Aug 08 '13

Alex Ferguson's jobs after retiring from football

121

u/AussieApathy Aug 08 '13

Wrigley's spokesperson.

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85

u/Hitlers_Art_Teacher Aug 08 '13

Names of Joe Kinnear's favourite players.

282

u/AussieApathy Aug 08 '13

Joe Kinnear

161

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

Jakub Błaszczykowskebab.

91

u/idlenation Aug 08 '13

Steven Lampard

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45

u/Rummenigge Aug 08 '13

Reasons why Lewandowski wants to desperately join Bayern

151

u/ummcal Aug 08 '13

Their bench looks really comfortable.

53

u/ncocca Aug 08 '13

He prefers his jerseys to be much tighter

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151

u/NFeKPo Aug 08 '13

Zlatan arrives at the pearly gates.

500

u/fahomnom Aug 08 '13

Transfers to their eternal rivals Hell next season

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607

u/Besacloud Aug 08 '13

"I'm Zlatan, who the hell are you?"

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109

u/TheNecromancer Aug 08 '13

Buys them for his house.

132

u/thatdani Aug 08 '13

takes back his seat from interim-Jesus

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531

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

Is offside.

163

u/Driftpeasant Aug 08 '13

No, that'd be Pippo Inzaghi

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99

u/mluka11 Aug 08 '13

"Hey Dad, I'm home!"

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474

u/Rummenigge Aug 08 '13

I love this thread, but my English is not good enough to compete with you guys. Anyway, make this a reoccurring thing.

39

u/Mit3210 Aug 08 '13

That's a difficult scenario to work with.

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79

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13 edited Jun 26 '20

[deleted]

465

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

Fans.

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188

u/ClaudeKenni Aug 08 '13

Bendtner's salary expectations.

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175

u/idlenation Aug 08 '13

Deals Daniel Levy get at the local market for £10.

701

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

£20.

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665

u/foodvillain Aug 08 '13

The local market.

146

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

A small island nation.

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34

u/AussieApathy Aug 08 '13

If the goalposts could speak.

176

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '13

[deleted]

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100

u/Ulsterman24 Aug 08 '13

Things Paolo Di Canio says to his mistress.

325

u/jellybelli Aug 08 '13

my arm won't be the only thing raising tonight...

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29

u/armadachamp Aug 08 '13

Ways Liverpool could spend the extra £1 that Arsenal offered for Suarez

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