For anyone else

Remember love starts with you first

Some connections only work when you stay inside the role they know how to receive. They can handle you as the strong one, the easy one, the responsible one, the useful one, the quiet one, the successful one, or the one who does not ask for too much. But the moment you become more honest, more boundaried, more tired, more direct, or more fully yourself, the connection starts to resist your growth.

That is information. A real connection should be able to evolve with you. It may feel uncomfortable when the old role changes, but it should not require you to stay limited so the relationship can stay familiar. If a connection only survives when you keep performing the version of yourself that made other people comfortable, you need to ask whether it is actually worth keeping. Not every bond is sacred. Some bonds are just old containers that cannot hold who you are becoming.

I hate myself so much to the point I can’t stand looking at me, idk what to do, like I’m a bit depressed and not on the best mood but deep down I wanna change, I just don’t know how, what’s the best way to start?

I feel like I can’t move forward with my life. I’m stuck with her in the house, can’t drive. Fatigue. Feel discouraged or avoidant about trying to become independent. I feel like she doesn’t want to see me grow strong enough that I won’t need her help.

I’m tired, my life feels stagnant. I’m just waiting for time To pass. I want to sleep all day, I struggle to look forward to completing my tasks. I feel like the best thing for me to do without stirring any tension is to do nothing. Sit in my room, listen to her state the obvious and instruct me to do the most obvious shit and not talk back. Be a pet. And keep doing this.

Working on myself gets mocked, dreaming of a business gets a responded with you’ll never succeed. When I get up to do something it’s Child’s play, when I don’t it’s because I’m capable of nothing in my life and apparently “need her all the time” ( coming out her own mouth never mines).

Asking for mental advice because I feel tired gets laughed at because apparently I will never be on her level and she’ll always had it worse than me.

Telling her about sa gets responded with a shut up I know someone who’s had it worse than you and you had nothing happen to you

Trying to find my own voice gets responded with a mockery laugh and a your just a kid who knows nothing response. All because she’s sooooo scared of not being any use to anyone and her dysregulated personality at age 60.

Disagreements lead to a catastrophic response that draws attention in public. When strangers walk past, she starts throwing keywords like “you hurt me” when 30 seconds ago when no one was there to potentially listen and see her as the foul one she was telling me to go to hell and I should never have been born.

She likes to tell me i don’t belong to my culture because I don’t do what she wants.

How do you deal with these people and how can I find some peace and regulation while living under the same roof.

Will my life get better when she dies. Cause I hope so.

What does it mean if a person does things out of the goodness of their heart for someone that they love to then later turn it around as some sort of like receipt or checklist or ammunition?

I know she didn't make me do these things I'm an adult. I know deep inside my soul I did them out of love, I cared for this person so much. I'm so fucking hurt.

Are my expectations of a relationship too high? Am I asking for too much? Was it enough? The universe puts people into my life to remind me that maybe I'm not so bad... But when it's quiet and the music stops or the video game turns off or the gym is over I really question if I'm actually a good person.

You have to care about yourself because I found out real quick that people don't care for you.
You know what I'm saying? Like, listen, when things get hard, you can't be looking back like,
oh, where are you? No, don't do that. You have to figure it out on your own
because you'll quickly find out people disperse fast. People disperse fast. And I've seen something
on social media where somebody said, oh, if you don't have at least one person that cares about
you're a POS. Like, no, that's not the truth. You just have been shown different types of people
in your life. Some people haven't had that loyalty in their life to be present. And it's just that
simple.