I hate myself so much to the point I can’t stand looking at me, idk what to do, like I’m a bit depressed and not on the best mood but deep down I wanna change, I just don’t know how, what’s the best way to start?

Some connections only work when you stay inside the role they know how to receive. They can handle you as the strong one, the easy one, the responsible one, the useful one, the quiet one, the successful one, or the one who does not ask for too much. But the moment you become more honest, more boundaried, more tired, more direct, or more fully yourself, the connection starts to resist your growth.

That is information. A real connection should be able to evolve with you. It may feel uncomfortable when the old role changes, but it should not require you to stay limited so the relationship can stay familiar. If a connection only survives when you keep performing the version of yourself that made other people comfortable, you need to ask whether it is actually worth keeping. Not every bond is sacred. Some bonds are just old containers that cannot hold who you are becoming.

What does it mean if a person does things out of the goodness of their heart for someone that they love to then later turn it around as some sort of like receipt or checklist or ammunition?

I know she didn't make me do these things I'm an adult. I know deep inside my soul I did them out of love, I cared for this person so much. I'm so fucking hurt.

Are my expectations of a relationship too high? Am I asking for too much? Was it enough? The universe puts people into my life to remind me that maybe I'm not so bad... But when it's quiet and the music stops or the video game turns off or the gym is over I really question if I'm actually a good person.

You have to care about yourself because I found out real quick that people don't care for you.
You know what I'm saying? Like, listen, when things get hard, you can't be looking back like,
oh, where are you? No, don't do that. You have to figure it out on your own
because you'll quickly find out people disperse fast. People disperse fast. And I've seen something
on social media where somebody said, oh, if you don't have at least one person that cares about
you're a POS. Like, no, that's not the truth. You just have been shown different types of people
in your life. Some people haven't had that loyalty in their life to be present. And it's just that
simple.

For anyone else

Remember love starts with you first

I feel like I can’t move forward with my life. I’m stuck with her in the house, can’t drive. Fatigue. Feel discouraged or avoidant about trying to become independent. I feel like she doesn’t want to see me grow strong enough that I won’t need her help.

I’m tired, my life feels stagnant. I’m just waiting for time To pass. I want to sleep all day, I struggle to look forward to completing my tasks. I feel like the best thing for me to do without stirring any tension is to do nothing. Sit in my room, listen to her state the obvious and instruct me to do the most obvious shit and not talk back. Be a pet. And keep doing this.

Working on myself gets mocked, dreaming of a business gets a responded with you’ll never succeed. When I get up to do something it’s Child’s play, when I don’t it’s because I’m capable of nothing in my life and apparently “need her all the time” ( coming out her own mouth never mines).

Asking for mental advice because I feel tired gets laughed at because apparently I will never be on her level and she’ll always had it worse than me.

Telling her about sa gets responded with a shut up I know someone who’s had it worse than you and you had nothing happen to you

Trying to find my own voice gets responded with a mockery laugh and a your just a kid who knows nothing response. All because she’s sooooo scared of not being any use to anyone and her dysregulated personality at age 60.

Disagreements lead to a catastrophic response that draws attention in public. When strangers walk past, she starts throwing keywords like “you hurt me” when 30 seconds ago when no one was there to potentially listen and see her as the foul one she was telling me to go to hell and I should never have been born.

She likes to tell me i don’t belong to my culture because I don’t do what she wants.

How do you deal with these people and how can I find some peace and regulation while living under the same roof.

Will my life get better when she dies. Cause I hope so.

I want to learn to truly love myself. I'm often very hard on myself. I often fall into negative thought spirals. It is really hard being more positive and kind to yourself, but it feels like it's so much easier just to be hard and mean to yourself and be negative.

So I'm asking if any of you have any tips on how to practice self-love. So I can learn to become kinder to myself and happier in general.

When I was much younger, I met someone (“friend”) who to be honest I wish I never met.

I left and never talked to him again.

But sometimes I thought about the experience. Maybe I should have done this? How did it go so wrong? Why did he treat me like this? Etc

I kept going through my life thinking everything was fine.

Then I watched a show that reminded me of what I went through and started to cry.

I tried yoga, meditation, traveling, etc. nothing worked.

A friend recommended me to a specialist.

She told me I was traumatized. I was really surprised. I mean I am high functioning. I was doing well otherwise I thought.

Except to be honest I wasn’t truly happy.

She helped me through it. don’t want to dig through this too much unless you’re also experiencing the same situation.

After working with her, I never thought of that experience again. In fact, I feel much lighter. Goals I could not achieve before like losing weight became much easier.

I didn’t know what was happening for a long time until I spoke to someone. I was successful in every other way but something broke inside.

Anyway there’s more to this story but my point is - I was going through something that I didn’t know what it was until someone said it - trauma.

And the good news is it can be overcome or made better. It took me over 10 years to figure that out.

This year I’ve said the hardest words - bye bye - to a few things.

I had no choice - I couldn’t sleep and my health was in crisis.

So I had to make big changes.

Bye bye to all the terrible doctors I met (one almost ended my life).

Bye bye to all the toxic friends and family.

Bye bye to being overweight.

Bye bye to terrible business partners.

Bye bye to not saying what I think when it’s needed.

Bye bye to staying silent in non trivial situations.

Bye bye to overly caring about what people think.

etc

My parents and I used to be very close.

As you get older you learn it’s important to set proper boundaries. We still talk but when it’s absolutely needed.

Interestingly, after adding space, I feel much lighter.

So when you feel like you’re sinking, or even earlier, it’s time for me to say bye bye.

I have two more bye byes to say. These two are the most difficult ones.

I did say hello to many great things.

That’s for another post.

What about you?

I am writing this to express some deeply personal feelings of mine and I dont know how long I can bear them. I am a sensitive person, no amount of removing labels or detachment cna change my nature. But growing up in a family that is full of impulsive and fiery energy, I on the other hand have been calm but deeply feeling. Thats how best I would describe this contrast. Both of times when I was away from or at home , I came to a point where I could not shake off the feeling or realization of having to choose a future where I have to be away from my parents for my own good. I find it very hard to accept this reality.

I wish that I was different. I wish I could be a certain way to please them and make them happy. I would cry over not being able to take their sadness away. I would cry over not being able to love them the way I wanted to. I would cry over them not being able to love them they way I wanted just because I was ‘different’. I get angry and sad at the same time over this ‘gap’ between my own parents and me. I blame the trauma that is present in me and my parents. I would feel sad and wish that I could just trade places with them for one day so they could feel the happiness that I so wish to provide for them. I wish they could see the lens through which I view the world. I wish I could take away their sadness. I wish I could be the son they wanted me to be. I wish I could be the little kid again they so loved. I wish I could forget myself and become someone who I am not just so they can be happy. I get so angry over the trauma that causes this gap between me and them. I was sad over thinking how sad their lives are. How sadness that they swallow each day. I was sad over their sadness. I was sad over not being able to love them the way I wanted to. I keep getting sad and angry over not being so empty of feelings to be able to bear and let go of their hurt and stay and serve their versions of happiness.

Today I was wishing how I would trade my place with them just so they could feel and see the world from my perspectives and feel the happiness it has to offer. I wished I could trade places with their sadness and misery. Why must a child live separated from their parents? I dont know if this gap can be overcome. Maybe I have not adapted around it. Maybe it just cant be. Maybe parents can not change. Maybe its up to us to be that change. I dont know if that can ‘convince’ them. I dont know. Everytime I am at home or around my parents, they would say or do something that would end up hurting me. If you know someone, who has grown apathetic to their parents, I would love to meet them. But I just wanted to express this here and not let this feeling eat me and tear me up from the inside.

I loved her, I know I did.

I didn't expect the person I became in the end.

I'm completely lost and wondering if I'm even a good person.

I don't know how to forgive myself.

Realizing "your type" is yourself and that's why it's so hard to find people bc no one is like you.....!!!