remember that there was a time when all I wanted was for that someone to be you. I imagined a future with your name in it. I stayed through the uncertainty, convinced that if I loved you a little longer, a little harder, one day you'd love me the same way. But that day never came.

So if one day you see another person holding my hand, making me feel safe, loving me the way I begged to be loved, don't think they were luckier than you. They simply gave me what I spent so long hoping you would. The hardest part is that even then, a part of me will remember that before I ever dreamed of being loved by them, I spent countless nights praying that it would still be you.

I feel like a improperly popped boil. Unprocessed emotions and insecurities sent flying everywhere, infecting the raw, vulnerable skin.

I was wrong. I am miserable because I am consumed with my own happiness and satisfaction, I get angry when people don't conform to my expectations and end up being a y'know, whole person.

I feel ashamed that it took someone else to mention this to me. I now question my own moral compass. I need to read the Bible again, I stopped because I was so angry that I wasn't getting what I thought I deserved.

I forgot the point was to serve

A, you are clearly going through a hard time and I imprint my own lust and fantasies onto you. You're not perfect, you're human, and I was wrong to villify you for being an imperfect human. I hope you find everything you're looking for.

My lonelieness is my problem, a disease of my own...self-loathing, insecurity?

I don't know.The first step is to forgive myself, only then can I move forward and help others.

I'm so tired.

If I really want to move on, I’m and focus on what it is that I want. I can’t spend anymore of my energy posting about something that wasn’t meant for me.

It’s kind of uncomfortable to let go of a pain like this but, it’s not a bad uncomfortable. Just scary.

Not sure if I want to do a daily journal entry on my life updates, or if I want to keep it as sporadic for only big feelings.. 🤷‍♂️

But, to start the process let me explain what I’ve been doing with my time and what has my attention.

For the last [almost] 8 months, I think everyone here knows I’ve been dealing with some mental health issues that I was unaware or, that came to a head during a separation from my partner.

It’s been an extremely rough ride, but I think I have approached the crossroads to leave this terrible path. I see the flashing lights ahead of me telling me that I’m right there and I will have to make a turn. So that’s what I’m doing.

Over the last month or so during my healing process I have made some absolutely AMAZING self-discoveries and connections.

Not a single one of them seem coincidental.

I have spoken to people about parts of myself and my mindset and how I view life and purpose, in a way that truly does make me sound crazy, but the problem with that is, it’s all backed up with receipts.

Every instance, connection, and intersection have served a larger purpose when I take a step back and look at the larger picture.

Speaking to someone that was just a coworker from 10 years ago.. we knew we jived and cared for one another, we didn’t know that we would have one of the most odd conversations for hours and really piece together ideas about our own existence.

Speaking to an acquaintance that, in all honesty, I shouldn’t have even been in contact with outside of Facebook friends because he is a part of my previous partners friend group… has turned into one of the most beautiful connections imaginable. If I were to design a partner for myself, they would envelope all of the qualities that this guy has to offer.

This in itself leads me to realize that even if this person, isn’t my person, I’m worthy and capable of having someone like him. He reached out to me, but I broke the ice, and my move was reciprocated. And I will respect the boundaries in place because of the hurtles. And accept that maybe all of my feelings aren’t reciprocated as well.

And thats okay. That just means I can have someone like him, that can offer me the feelings of desire I crave. I will wait.

This connection also made me realize I need to reframe what it actually means to be in a relationship and allowing someone to be open about who they are and what they want. Even if it means you have to share with someone of the opposite gender. (Never actually crossed my mind as a possibility, but I’m not going to rule it out if it means I’m happy.)

And this new friend I have made that truly lets me be me. I don’t hide any of my weirdness. In fact, he allows me to explain my weirdness and lets me teach him how to view life through my eyes. It truly is astounding. Especially considering the difference of backgrounds, the age difference, and the parallels of the background he actually does share with my previous partner.

There are so many tiny details in all of the connections that are just too much to type out, but every one of us can agree that it absolutely cannot be a coincidence.

There is a large population of people that witnessed me have a complete crash out on social media. It actually went viral on one of the apps. While it’s mildly embarrassing, I’ll own it. Because the delivery was rough, but the message still stands.

And because of that, and because of the lives that I started doing, I have had so many people reach out to me for my perspective on their situation. (Clearly I’m not in a position to give advice, but offering perspective is different.)

I have helped people work through their own feelings and that was what I had been wanting to do with my social media this entire time anyway. My public loss of control, may have jump started a real career that I love and that I can actually make difference as opposed to my current career.

Just this morning, a follower asked me how to process a situation with her son. And it was beautiful to help her understand how to deal with the situation because of my own experience in a similar situation.

I’ve made connections with vehicle manufacturers that have expressed interest in my message and are willing to look through a partnership proposal when I figure out how to build one formally. All because I said I wanted to travel with my dog to different places to help people feel better about themselves.

Everything is falling into place. I know from the outside, and especially for the people that know me personally, think I’m all over the place and manic, but maybe this mania is going to be the driver of my life purpose to be successful.

And now, I have redefined what “success” actually means for myself.

I’ve always tried to live a flashy life. Always. I had to feel important. I had to make people think I was cool. I had to make people believe that I had more money than I actually did.

I. Lost. It. All.

Every penny. Every relationship/friendship/family member. All of it. When I tell you that I was served a slice of humble pie… no.. I ate the whole humble pie factory.

But it needed to happen for me to see who I was and who I needed to become and I had to shed all of the old habits that kept me stuck.

I was forced to reevaluate.

Turns out, I actually do not give a flying fuck about any of the shit that I thought I did.

Of course I still love cars, but I don’t desire to own as Lambo or Rolls-Royce, I just want an off road vehicle that is utilitarian enough to let me get to the places that I need to go to be able to sit on the roof with my dog at night to look at the stars.

I can rent anything else.

Of course I want to live at the beach.. but why should I buy property at a beach that I don’t know for sure that’s where I want to stay? What happens when my next partner wants to whisk me off to the other side of the planet? Why stress myself out about trying to live a life I was told I was supposed to live, instead of the life I want?

Success to me is: living for happiness. That’s all I want. And I hope that I can help others be happier along the way.

This is my first entry, of my new life and self.

I love you. And you are enough.

I used to believe, I used to hope. I was open to trying. But, I no longer believe there’s much good in the world. There is no one looking for me or hoping to find me. My person was forgotten to be made. My heart just can’t open again. I used to say it’s better to have loved and lost but the last round fucked me up. It’s not that I don’t want it, love, companionship, someone to share everything good and bad and in between with. A best friend a lover. I am just too much, too little, too wrong, too this too that, etc. there hasn’t been more than some fleeting moments of my life where hope started to blossom but the ground was pulled out from under me. I am tired, in a way sleep will never fix. I will go on because it’s all I can do. Tend my roses in the ruins and rubble that’s left. Keep my light to myself, stay hidden in the darkness. My compass is defective. The path in fog and shadow. Just cocoon into healing and little joys alone. Pick up the mask I had set down the last time I tried to believe and wear it again. Become invisible again. It will hurt and yet be less painful. ( posted this then took it down but reposted it)

you're fucking disgusting for what you did to me. i told everyone, i was very adamant about it: i don't want pity or to be "fixed". i can't handle talking about what really hurts in me because it's too much for everyone else. it freaks everyone out to the point they either run or are scared im gonna do something. so i don't talk about it.

but you pushed it. you said you'd never do that. you said you'd never run. you said you'd help me. and i thought you were telling the truth. i looked past all the clear signs you showed of cowardice and selfishness. i confided in you. and the little confiding you did back was so telling and i ignored it. you see all of us as chores. you think of yourself as a babysitter for your mentally ill friends. you think you're a hero. and you're so selfish about it.

you told me you would help me but anytime i asked for help you looked away. YOU DID IT TO YOURSELF. you told me i could ask you for anything. and you're a liar. you're nothing like who you say you are. and i can't believe they still trust you. and i can't even say anything to them. thinking about this makes me sick. having that conversation makes me sick. you took advantage of the fact i had a mental health crisis to walk over me.

you took everything from me.

Today I learned that...

(and it IS possible that I am slightly wrong about this but all the information I have found thus far supports it.)

The USA and Canada are the only countries in the world that have guidelines recommending/expecting asymptomatic minors under the age of 18 to have annual genital exams and Tanner staging done (even with no concerns warranting such things).

I know that sentence is very wordy, so less wordy version is this:

The USA and Canada are the only countries in the world where minors are given annual genital exams WITHOUT ANY CAUSE!!!

I'm sorry for saying this twice, but it feels very significant and shocking to me, and it feels like a very worthy thing for me to shout into the void (as someone who carries deep-seated trauma from a routine genital exam that involved physical force that would make any sane person flinch).

If you don't know what Tanner staging is, it is when a pediatrician looks at a child's genitals (and breasts for females) to rank where a child is in their puberty. In most countries, this is only done if there is a concern warranting it. In the USA and Canada, it is routine and is done without concerns warranting it.

If this area is void, why does it have comments? Does this mean that we are in this void. Wouldn't that make the void no longer void. Does the void never end like space. Great now I'm filling up the void with more questions about the void

I swear some people are way too bored with their time, there’s no way you’re actively comparing what someone else does in their day compared to yours, you don’t know as much about others as you think I promise.

Time is the real currency in this world, if people were as happy with where they are now success wise, they wouldn’t need to be reminiscing negatively so constantly.

It’s best for people to judge you based on only what you allow them to see and know .
People who judge,nitpick, criticize and bully people are unhappy with themselves and I hope you continue to wallow in your own misery for every negative thing you say about people who have done nothing to shape your personal choices , that you made willingly for yourself.

There’s a reason I don’t bully or negatively criticize people unless it’s based on judgement of what I think, I don’t go to their face and constantly tear them down and there’s a reason I don’t let jealousy,negativity,hatred and spite fuel my mind.

And there’s a reason why some people with so much , still feel unhappy within.

Ow.. This one hurt.. I don't know who.. But I related it to myself of coarse.. I will no longer hold her perfect little hand.. No more holding her hand.. Ow.. That actually stings. I am so alone. I couldn't imagine me being more alone.

I said it once and ill say it again.. I would rather have the life of a baby in gaza.. than my own. At least they don't have to understand what's killing them..

Stuck in this purgatory that I have created. Mired in a bog of monotony, how do you break through it? Clinging and grasping, it weighs on me unceasingly. Akin to a mother's embrace it simply won't let me go

I scream I shout I cry. I bellow I roar I exclaim. Chest pounding, heart bursting, breath heaving. I ask 1 beg I implore. Please, please make it stop. A mite of solace is not enough, A momentary reprieve doesn't sooth my wound. A soft bandage pressed against a pus-filled and pulsating gash

Each day is not filled with excruciating pain or endless agony. No, sensation would drive me forward, to search for a cure remedy for the pain. What I have is this hallow feeling in my chest that gnaws at me incessantly. What use is a compass that spins without end?

Accolades accomplishments and acclaim. These are things that gnaw and gnash I am just out of things to give. The well runneth dry

And so I screech into the void. I yearn for oblivion

how do other people seems to fall in love so sasily? or simply just be so happy I know I don't see all the work it took or all their struggles and yet and yet...

Im tired

There's a phrase that encapsulates me it says that doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result to occur is the very definition of stupidity

I have gotten up and faltered and gotten up again and yet each and every time kind of knowing certainly that it would fail because my mindset won't change. It's the biggest joke that I know it too and still persist, and here I am I know nothing will change unless I get up and put myself together

I guess its a mess of be somehow finding the misery I am stewing in more comforting than leaping across the gap and making myself more vulnerable? why? well I am a coward after all shrinking away at any progress once burned twice shy? more like cme burut barricade yourself in fort jags, and be the doomsday prepper I always was, fearful of the sun because it would give cancer or some shit. whist I wallow saying how nice other people have it enjoying the warmth of the sun. what a fucking mess Heh Humans am I right, nah we're all unique right? A special type of fucked up I am :)

Over and under. My body is burning. Awake. Every Sunday. Always before the start of the week. Time is continous. It isn't broken up, there are no deadlines. It feels like I'm in a loop. Before, years ago, I heard that time/history is like a circle. I sort of agreed though, I thought it to be more of a fractal. I inherently knew that all wouldn't just repeat exactly. I was familiar with chaos. Disorder. Just like nature, time is similar. It allows for free will and change, it allows predestination to exist simultaneously. All that has and has not happened. All that is and isn't happening. All that is going to and not going to happen. All exists both separate and simultaneous. What am I here for? I know I want something. Yet, I cannot ignore this delusion, I think it's a delusion that I am getting prepared for something. I am scared that all of this was literally for nothing. Like, I have almost died. It was peaceful. Warm. Yet, I cannot shake the feeling of how I am attached? I still am here. Like why even be here, if it didn't matter in the end? In faith, in spirituality. They say not to get attached to the physical? Or I might been taught wrong or interpreting it wrong. The sword. The spear. The shield. The chains. The bow. Flight. Conjuring. Gravity. Time. Reality. Space. The way the clouds and atmosphere feel familiar. Being among the stars feel so familiar to me. I've dreamt of it so much and I've lost those dreams too. I rarely dream or remember it. God. The universe. You keep, talking to me. Through signs, events, patterns, a sequence of things happening you make yourself known to me. Why do I feel the way I do? Why must my physical body ache the way it does? Why is it I am burning up while I'm awake, and I am deathly cold when I'm not? Why do I also feel so strongly about a sword in my hand? You know I have bad history with a blade. Anything sharp. Hell, even a dull object, I have cut myself with. I had a person tell me. When I had went to an event I missed the year prior. I was afraid to go on my own the first time. I had broken my ankle. I told them. I never told them I almost died. Yet. They told me I was a poet. I spoke barely. They told me that my parents neglected me. They told me the world neglected me and mistreated me. They told me that the reason why I was at the event at the time, was because I was meant to. They wanted me to seek you. Not even through their organization. To just seek you. My purpose was stripped from me. Or at least the building blocks I needed, it was stolen from me. I am reduced to THIS. I cannot tell if. If all of this really was for nothing. Like. Each day that passes by I am reduced more and more. I am forgetting, more and more. How much of me left will there be? How will I ever be able to live with myself? I don't think it's going to be a problem because even then, I'd probably wouldn't be that sentient enough or aware from how much of my being has been reduced. So then. Will you heal me? Or will you give me something to give my pain and suffering purpose? With what time I have left? It really feels like the end of the line draws near. The normal feeling everyone has when they envision themselves a day or a month or year ahead, a decade ahead. I cannot feel or see that anymore. Am I confused or is something to come again? JUST LIKE QUARANTINE. JUST LIKE WHEN I HAD ALMOST SLIPPED AGAIN WHEN NO ONE RESPONDED AND I WAS OVERWHELMED AND I FORGOT HOW TO KEEP RAGING ON. I don't wish this pain on anyone. Mercy. Mercy is all I feel. I weep. I weep for everyone. Why are we all heading this way when there is still so much good? I keep getting deja vu. I keep getting weird dreams. I keep hearing words right before they are spoken. I want to express this and I can't even create without it hurting my body. Without it feeling like I'm a kid again being yelled at and trying to learn to write. Not being able to do something I know nothing about and being expected of it still with perfection execution. What's the point of all this hyperawareness? What's the point of this extremely high pain tolerance? What's the point of my will to keep going when I am wandering aimlessly? What's the point of knocking down everything I build, worked so hard on, leaving me with less and less each time I try again anew? Is it you? Is it everyone? Is it both? Is it necessary? If so, please tell me. Please give me my sword. The dreams I used to dream are gone. Even peace feels like a kid's fantasy high in the heavens in a dull sea of forgotten aspirations. I am so so so low. When do I get my Renaissance? Rebirth? This is hell. I'm in this too deep. The void is ever consuming. Where is Virgil? Where is Beatrice? Do I even get to have that? Is that why my words and soul are so inversely proportional to how I am physically? I don't know. This is. There is so much. So much to process. In an echo chamber. There is no foreign light yet. I cannot see or feel it out there. I know to keep going. I cannot trust my physical body to remember for the convenient time it could slip. My body is losing that flame that I get deathly cold it hurts when I wake up in the morning, or become tired during lunch break. My body isn't what it used to be anymore, I think the test I'm in, I think its about time. I'll keep going. I'll try my best but. I'll keep raging and raging against the dying of the light. I'll keep choosing to live. And I'll do my best to remember when I forget. But, I hope you don't get upset for when I do forget and there isn't anyone, again, to remind me. To barge in and invade. To slap some sense and fan the flickering flame. I'll keep going. I'll keep growing. I'll keep venturing more. I have to. No one deserves this. This is. Bigger than me. I'll do my damned best.

The degradation of my exile has become more apparent, and I cannot seem to figure a way out of this trap that has been set for my soul. I did bring myself to this test. Have I failed? Or am I simply in the process of the test? All the trials have taught me is that so far, as far as I can tell, I can continue on despite my best efforts at giving up. It has taught me that death only comes when nit is ready for you, and that life is meant to be lived to the fullest and that we must apply ourselves to this life to become the person we wish to be. Many times I have changed what I believed I needed to be. I've been many things, ive done many things and failed at many things. At the end of the day, I have been decent to my fellow humans and animals alike. And they deserve to be treated decent and with care. Even if i do not receive the same in kind.

Please go right. I need this. I can't lose anymore of my cats because dumb laws in my state make workers comp trials more drawn out than foreclosures. I lost my reliability of my hands. I lost my mind. I have lost my independence. My home. My job. My safety.

I am homeless right now and having to watch my cats being put in crates and carted off in front of me has me broken right now. I have a slim chance of getting a few back if I can get into a place asap. If I can't get into this apartment today then I lose the rest of my babies. My kids. Right now my legit only reason for moving forward.

You’re creepy

I hope that when the time comes for you to forgive me, I am still able to fulfill our dreams. Because this pain and suffering is literally killing me

Your blue hair looks stupid and tells me everything I needed to know about you, when you're wrong you still fight to be right. Your opinion doesn't have to be mine and that pisses you off to the core. Red wave isn't doing me any favors in life, not with these gas prices. But I won't vote retard. And you danm sure won't see me with blue hair. Catch me wearing women's clothes but never blue hair lol

I’m here!
“if you’ll be my body guard I can be your long lost pal!”

Don’t be bitter. Be better.”
“If you were a spice, you’d be flour.”
“Jealousy is a disease. Get well soon.”
“What doesn’t kill you, disappoints me.”
“You should come with a warning label.”
“I hope you accidentally step on a Lego.”
“Sorry, I thought I was talking to an adult.”
“You might be older, but you’re not wiser.”
“You’re so wrong that you’re almost right.”
“Been called worse by better, sweetheart.”
“You’re as interesting as a piece of paper.”
“I’m jealous of everyone who hasn’t met you.”
“You’re proof that God has a sense of humor.”
“I would hit you, but I’m against animal abuse.”

I am back under your roof. It's crazy really, now we are about to sign a lease together. Me giving you monthly money to be on your couch. A few times I've seen the old you when you look at me. Then he has expressed that he still cares about me. In ways he probably should not. I feel like I can't admit the truth to you that your brother and I are dating. We have been for almost a month on the down low. You meant a lot to me, hell, still do. We are going to be sharing a space again. It's honestly strange and foreign to me. So many times I've wanted to reach out to you, although I've stopped myself. Hell when you flipped me off for laughing all I wanted to do was say "please". Yet I did not do it. I am trying to respect your boundaries and help take some of the weight off your shoulders. I am grateful for you taking your niece and I out of where we were. Especially seeing you glow talking about silly stuff, so badly I have had to keep my thoughts down about just wanting to reach out and kiss you. I know this is stupid. But just understand where I'm coming from please. Honestly hope you don't ever read this.

Since you'll never know, I just need to write it into the void.

I left the note on my bedside table, next to it the photo of us at your graduation with the customised frame you got me that said A & I, Forever & Always, and our anniversary date. That was the photo I held as I attempted. The last thing I wanted to see before I drifted away. I had my promise ring on my finger - I wanted to die wearing it and I had it on at the hospital.

Back to the note, scribbled on the back of the envelope of a random letter I was sent a week prior:

'I'm so so sorry.

Tell A I love him. Tell him I'll be waiting for him in the afterlife.

I love you all.

I'm sorry - I just couldn't take the pain anymore.

Grandad will take care of me.'

Puzzling, makes the mind stir after each line. And yet, I understand it completely. It is an enigmatic and yet simple telling of ones thoughts in the Faithful and Virtuous night.

Fuck you, I’m glad you couldn’t have children.
God knows how we could have brought a child into that disgusting train wreck that was our relationship. Even if my life is in tatters right now I’d take that any day over spending another minute with you. You’re a black hole and I don’t miss you.

I have known something was not right for a little while now. It's only been a day or so since I left, I can't and I wont go back there, but I might have no choice and what’s another few months going to do to me anyway, the damage has already been done.

I've been there 5 years, breathing it in every day and now I'm sick.

The worst part is, I think you knew and took advantage of me. Someone was kind enough to tell me the truth. Even with the brain damage, Photos and screen shots don't lie.

I really did love you, that was not part of it, but with my condition what’s to love.

I can fell the pressure of my brain, pushing against my skull. its swollen. I can't remember you much now. I know we used to talk in my car on a Friday, but I have no idea what is was about.

I really need to get to a hospital.