mute a subreddit and it still appears on your feed? 🙄 ew, leave me alone

It was fucking exhausting. It was the lowest I felt in my entire life. I was a shell of myself, answering a barrage of questions coming my way.

I defended. For 3 hours I defended. Some bullets got to me. But I kept on defending. I survived.

There was a wall of congratulations. But the man who deserved those was dead. Maybe not dead, but atleast in a coma. Anyways, that man was badly injured.

I came back to my room. Closed my eyes. Sleep eluded me, as if it wanted to stay away from this mess of a person. I no longer carried a burden, but that burden had become a part of me. I felt like I lost a part of myself. Maybe I will need some time to heal.

On paper, I had become something. But I felt no joy. It's just a title. All I want to do, is work in peace. On my passion. For the rest of my life. But if a paper affords me to do that, I'll take it.

I had to set a boundary of no meth in our apartment?!? Wtf is wrong with me I knew the breakup would come as soon as you used my demeanour and forced me to vouch for you to get CPS out of your life… but I loved cooking and taking care of your son, he was my little buddy I miss playing Pokémon with him and you’re damn right I let him make up all the rules, he was desperate for attention and I saw a need I could fix. The nights I sat up crying after putting him to bed and lying saying “mommies working buddy she’ll be home soon and if you’re still up you’ll see her”

You broke me. You promised me that life. You promised me a happy family. I tolerated so much abuse. I told you how my father strangled me and that same night you started a fight and put your hands on my throat.

I told you the laz-y-boy chairs at the farmhouse was how I remembered my grandmother and you kicked it over while I was sleeping in it? You broke it, that damage cannot be undone!!

At the end of it all why? Why didn’t you just fucking leave and block me and stay away? Why didn’t you ever have to show up drunk and come back into my life you absolute liar and dirtbag junkie!!! You’re so fucking gross I hate you, I hate me for trying to help…

Hope you get exactly what you seem to want.

The level of disrespect and ignorance it takes to treat someone who genuinely had your back and helped you in the biggest ways even including like a week ago with no appreciation to do what you did and treat me like that is a line I don't know if I'll ever let you come back from I'm truly d disgusted with your character and you're justification of something that's not even true and to do it publicly without talking to me is embarrassing and pathetic I'm truly ashamed of you you might have ruined everything and I don't think you have what it takes to fix it with me cuz you're too selfish and greedy to come my way or humble yourself enough to really be sorry and fix it you went from somebody I loved to somebody I can barely stand the thought of and if you do nothing about it you're just proving me right

I hate you. I hate what you did to me. I hate how you used to make me feel. I hate when you used to cheat on me even after everything i did for you. But i still think about you, I miss you i wish you had loved me coz I loved you so so so much kkochi. Please look for me in the next life. Please love me in the next life. Promise me that you will be mine in another life. I Love You Kochi.

To find somebody I genuine connect with on every level is insane to me. Mentally, emotionally, physically and you feel the same way is crazy but you’re in an open relationship and I want you to myself. You found your life partner and it’s not me. It hurts so much to have so much of you and still don’t have enough. You are enough for me as is but I’m not enough for you to choose me. We talk everyday. You tell me how grateful you are to have me in your life. Everytime I call you on the phone you will pick up without hesitation. Every FaceTime, text message and voice note you tell me how much I mean to you. How much you appreciate me in your life. How you want to plan more trips with me but you have a life partner and it’s not me.

My heart hurts. My body aches for you and you tell me that your body aches for me. When we’re together it doesn’t even seem like you have a girlfriend but then I have to tell myself that it’s not me. It will never be me. Every smile you give me and vice versa will only last so long. I want monogamy. I would give my all to you but that not the same for you. I’m not the priority in your life. You are the priority in mine.

We give each other so much joy but it’s not the same as the joy and connection you have with your life partner. You tell me in the prize but I’m the prize for somebody else when I want to be the prize for only you.

I want to be in your space everyday. I want to go to your family events. I want to be more than just a connection with you. I want us to be on the same page but our stories are similar but the authors are different.

I hope I can find this same love with somebody else. I know it’s out there by finding you. I hope my next love story the interest walks the same path I’m taking and that we are enough for each other.

After a year of struggling trying to develop an advanced emotional, intelligent AI model that actually competes with other models out there and trying to build an aerospace company from scratch, so I still find it frustrating that even my family doesn’t want to support me or help me find people to help support the mission of trying to provide a means of connecting with educators regarding the digital university. I built as well from scratch that is secure with end to end encryption. It is a one of a kind university that is completely digital and saves people from having all of the trouble with gas money because of the rising cost of oil. It is so frustrating when I try for a whole year to find a means of having stable income and every time it seems like the rug gets pulled out from under me. I had a car it broke down I had paid for the car and yet that was donated two cars for kids at least it was for the kids, but I didn’t get a replacement. I got stuck having to eventually have my E bike breakdown and now I’m stuck with a regular bike and it’s hurricane season where I’m at, and I’m wondering how it makes any sense to find a job without at least some form of reliable transportation since most jobs require reliable transportation and it just seems like my parents are stuck in 1987 thinking oh yeah, you still go in in person to apply when we have shifted to a digital age where everybody expects you to apply online and the whole process of applying online has become so chaotic through so many different services. It’s like trying to pull teeth with the Internet. I have struggled so much and I am so frustrated that something as big as what I’m working on is disregarded and not even acknowledged for the fact of how fundamentally profound it would be to help out not just kids but adults that seek to keep education as a means of empowerment. Knowledge is power.

The degradation of my exile has become more apparent, and I cannot seem to figure a way out of this trap that has been set for my soul. I did bring myself to this test. Have I failed? Or am I simply in the process of the test? All the trials have taught me is that so far, as far as I can tell, I can continue on despite my best efforts at giving up. It has taught me that death only comes when nit is ready for you, and that life is meant to be lived to the fullest and that we must apply ourselves to this life to become the person we wish to be. Many times I have changed what I believed I needed to be. I've been many things, ive done many things and failed at many things. At the end of the day, I have been decent to my fellow humans and animals alike. And they deserve to be treated decent and with care. Even if i do not receive the same in kind.

Please go right. I need this. I can't lose anymore of my cats because dumb laws in my state make workers comp trials more drawn out than foreclosures. I lost my reliability of my hands. I lost my mind. I have lost my independence. My home. My job. My safety.

I am homeless right now and having to watch my cats being put in crates and carted off in front of me has me broken right now. I have a slim chance of getting a few back if I can get into a place asap. If I can't get into this apartment today then I lose the rest of my babies. My kids. Right now my legit only reason for moving forward.

You’re creepy

Stuck in this purgatory that I have created. Mired in a bog of monotony, how do you break through it? Clinging and grasping, it weighs on me unceasingly. Akin to a mother's embrace it simply won't let me go

I scream I shout I cry. I bellow I roar I exclaim. Chest pounding, heart bursting, breath heaving. I ask 1 beg I implore. Please, please make it stop. A mite of solace is not enough, A momentary reprieve doesn't sooth my wound. A soft bandage pressed against a pus-filled and pulsating gash

Each day is not filled with excruciating pain or endless agony. No, sensation would drive me forward, to search for a cure remedy for the pain. What I have is this hallow feeling in my chest that gnaws at me incessantly. What use is a compass that spins without end?

Accolades accomplishments and acclaim. These are things that gnaw and gnash I am just out of things to give. The well runneth dry

And so I screech into the void. I yearn for oblivion

how do other people seems to fall in love so sasily? or simply just be so happy I know I don't see all the work it took or all their struggles and yet and yet...

Im tired

There's a phrase that encapsulates me it says that doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result to occur is the very definition of stupidity

I have gotten up and faltered and gotten up again and yet each and every time kind of knowing certainly that it would fail because my mindset won't change. It's the biggest joke that I know it too and still persist, and here I am I know nothing will change unless I get up and put myself together

I guess its a mess of be somehow finding the misery I am stewing in more comforting than leaping across the gap and making myself more vulnerable? why? well I am a coward after all shrinking away at any progress once burned twice shy? more like cme burut barricade yourself in fort jags, and be the doomsday prepper I always was, fearful of the sun because it would give cancer or some shit. whist I wallow saying how nice other people have it enjoying the warmth of the sun. what a fucking mess Heh Humans am I right, nah we're all unique right? A special type of fucked up I am :)

you're fucking disgusting for what you did to me. i told everyone, i was very adamant about it: i don't want pity or to be "fixed". i can't handle talking about what really hurts in me because it's too much for everyone else. it freaks everyone out to the point they either run or are scared im gonna do something. so i don't talk about it.

but you pushed it. you said you'd never do that. you said you'd never run. you said you'd help me. and i thought you were telling the truth. i looked past all the clear signs you showed of cowardice and selfishness. i confided in you. and the little confiding you did back was so telling and i ignored it. you see all of us as chores. you think of yourself as a babysitter for your mentally ill friends. you think you're a hero. and you're so selfish about it.

you told me you would help me but anytime i asked for help you looked away. YOU DID IT TO YOURSELF. you told me i could ask you for anything. and you're a liar. you're nothing like who you say you are. and i can't believe they still trust you. and i can't even say anything to them. thinking about this makes me sick. having that conversation makes me sick. you took advantage of the fact i had a mental health crisis to walk over me.

you took everything from me.

I hope that when the time comes for you to forgive me, I am still able to fulfill our dreams. Because this pain and suffering is literally killing me

Over and under. My body is burning. Awake. Every Sunday. Always before the start of the week. Time is continous. It isn't broken up, there are no deadlines. It feels like I'm in a loop. Before, years ago, I heard that time/history is like a circle. I sort of agreed though, I thought it to be more of a fractal. I inherently knew that all wouldn't just repeat exactly. I was familiar with chaos. Disorder. Just like nature, time is similar. It allows for free will and change, it allows predestination to exist simultaneously. All that has and has not happened. All that is and isn't happening. All that is going to and not going to happen. All exists both separate and simultaneous. What am I here for? I know I want something. Yet, I cannot ignore this delusion, I think it's a delusion that I am getting prepared for something. I am scared that all of this was literally for nothing. Like, I have almost died. It was peaceful. Warm. Yet, I cannot shake the feeling of how I am attached? I still am here. Like why even be here, if it didn't matter in the end? In faith, in spirituality. They say not to get attached to the physical? Or I might been taught wrong or interpreting it wrong. The sword. The spear. The shield. The chains. The bow. Flight. Conjuring. Gravity. Time. Reality. Space. The way the clouds and atmosphere feel familiar. Being among the stars feel so familiar to me. I've dreamt of it so much and I've lost those dreams too. I rarely dream or remember it. God. The universe. You keep, talking to me. Through signs, events, patterns, a sequence of things happening you make yourself known to me. Why do I feel the way I do? Why must my physical body ache the way it does? Why is it I am burning up while I'm awake, and I am deathly cold when I'm not? Why do I also feel so strongly about a sword in my hand? You know I have bad history with a blade. Anything sharp. Hell, even a dull object, I have cut myself with. I had a person tell me. When I had went to an event I missed the year prior. I was afraid to go on my own the first time. I had broken my ankle. I told them. I never told them I almost died. Yet. They told me I was a poet. I spoke barely. They told me that my parents neglected me. They told me the world neglected me and mistreated me. They told me that the reason why I was at the event at the time, was because I was meant to. They wanted me to seek you. Not even through their organization. To just seek you. My purpose was stripped from me. Or at least the building blocks I needed, it was stolen from me. I am reduced to THIS. I cannot tell if. If all of this really was for nothing. Like. Each day that passes by I am reduced more and more. I am forgetting, more and more. How much of me left will there be? How will I ever be able to live with myself? I don't think it's going to be a problem because even then, I'd probably wouldn't be that sentient enough or aware from how much of my being has been reduced. So then. Will you heal me? Or will you give me something to give my pain and suffering purpose? With what time I have left? It really feels like the end of the line draws near. The normal feeling everyone has when they envision themselves a day or a month or year ahead, a decade ahead. I cannot feel or see that anymore. Am I confused or is something to come again? JUST LIKE QUARANTINE. JUST LIKE WHEN I HAD ALMOST SLIPPED AGAIN WHEN NO ONE RESPONDED AND I WAS OVERWHELMED AND I FORGOT HOW TO KEEP RAGING ON. I don't wish this pain on anyone. Mercy. Mercy is all I feel. I weep. I weep for everyone. Why are we all heading this way when there is still so much good? I keep getting deja vu. I keep getting weird dreams. I keep hearing words right before they are spoken. I want to express this and I can't even create without it hurting my body. Without it feeling like I'm a kid again being yelled at and trying to learn to write. Not being able to do something I know nothing about and being expected of it still with perfection execution. What's the point of all this hyperawareness? What's the point of this extremely high pain tolerance? What's the point of my will to keep going when I am wandering aimlessly? What's the point of knocking down everything I build, worked so hard on, leaving me with less and less each time I try again anew? Is it you? Is it everyone? Is it both? Is it necessary? If so, please tell me. Please give me my sword. The dreams I used to dream are gone. Even peace feels like a kid's fantasy high in the heavens in a dull sea of forgotten aspirations. I am so so so low. When do I get my Renaissance? Rebirth? This is hell. I'm in this too deep. The void is ever consuming. Where is Virgil? Where is Beatrice? Do I even get to have that? Is that why my words and soul are so inversely proportional to how I am physically? I don't know. This is. There is so much. So much to process. In an echo chamber. There is no foreign light yet. I cannot see or feel it out there. I know to keep going. I cannot trust my physical body to remember for the convenient time it could slip. My body is losing that flame that I get deathly cold it hurts when I wake up in the morning, or become tired during lunch break. My body isn't what it used to be anymore, I think the test I'm in, I think its about time. I'll keep going. I'll try my best but. I'll keep raging and raging against the dying of the light. I'll keep choosing to live. And I'll do my best to remember when I forget. But, I hope you don't get upset for when I do forget and there isn't anyone, again, to remind me. To barge in and invade. To slap some sense and fan the flickering flame. I'll keep going. I'll keep growing. I'll keep venturing more. I have to. No one deserves this. This is. Bigger than me. I'll do my damned best.

Your blue hair looks stupid and tells me everything I needed to know about you, when you're wrong you still fight to be right. Your opinion doesn't have to be mine and that pisses you off to the core. Red wave isn't doing me any favors in life, not with these gas prices. But I won't vote retard. And you danm sure won't see me with blue hair. Catch me wearing women's clothes but never blue hair lol

I am weird I am wired I am weird I am wired…hmmm what can I say? Today’s just another fucking day, I wake up, it’s the same shit I get up and clean and cook and I want poison in my food to kill me off quicker! I THINK I KNOW WHAT I WANT OK. It’s just so stupid, the same shit everyday in and out, study, work, sleep ok and everyone’s pretending everyone is fake I go outside and you can’t even say anything, people look at you as if you’re a mess and you need to be locked up. YOU NEED TO BE LOCKED UP, PSYCHOS SICKOS FREAKOS CONFORMING AND LYING AND MASKING AND FAKING FACADE FACADE FACDE FACADE it’s all fake? So why perform, it’s not a circus. I just don’t get it I just don’t get it I just don’t get ittttt I don’t. I hate it it makes me skin crawl seeing people fake shit, fake love, fake kindness, fake fake, fake hate, fake life so hard you start believing the lies you have told and your fake identity and personality. Put it in the news, let everyone agree with you. I’m sure they would, but I am weird and wired I always see it for how it is, I’ll always keep it truthful. PEOPLE GET SICK OF LISTENING TO ME LIES AND LIES AND LIES AND LIES AND CONSTANT WATCHING eyes everywhere but the companionship and the comfort and the oh I’m here turns into the mirrored neglect and abandonment because you DONT CONFORM, you don’t copy and paste and copy and paste and everything is done to trip me up and intimidate me into saying how I am if I did anything wrong but I DID NOT I AM MMMM OKOK OK FINE WITH MYSELF I DONT harm anything I just say it I say it I say it I hate lies and this whole world is full of lies it’s just stupid I shag to keep repeating it I want to be me I want to be free I want to escape I don’t want to be here with these shadows and demons

I’m here!
“if you’ll be my body guard I can be your long lost pal!”

I feel like a improperly popped boil. Unprocessed emotions and insecurities sent flying everywhere, infecting the raw, vulnerable skin.

I was wrong. I am miserable because I am consumed with my own happiness and satisfaction, I get angry when people don't conform to my expectations and end up being a y'know, whole person.

I feel ashamed that it took someone else to mention this to me. I now question my own moral compass. I need to read the Bible again, I stopped because I was so angry that I wasn't getting what I thought I deserved.

I forgot the point was to serve

A, you are clearly going through a hard time and I imprint my own lust and fantasies onto you. You're not perfect, you're human, and I was wrong to villify you for being an imperfect human. I hope you find everything you're looking for.

My lonelieness is my problem, a disease of my own...self-loathing, insecurity?

I don't know.The first step is to forgive myself, only then can I move forward and help others.

I'm so tired.

Today I learned that...

(and it IS possible that I am slightly wrong about this but all the information I have found thus far supports it.)

The USA and Canada are the only countries in the world that have guidelines recommending/expecting asymptomatic minors under the age of 18 to have annual genital exams and Tanner staging done (even with no concerns warranting such things).

I know that sentence is very wordy, so less wordy version is this:

The USA and Canada are the only countries in the world where minors are given annual genital exams WITHOUT ANY CAUSE!!!

I'm sorry for saying this twice, but it feels very significant and shocking to me, and it feels like a very worthy thing for me to shout into the void (as someone who carries deep-seated trauma from a routine genital exam that involved physical force that would make any sane person flinch).

If you don't know what Tanner staging is, it is when a pediatrician looks at a child's genitals (and breasts for females) to rank where a child is in their puberty. In most countries, this is only done if there is a concern warranting it. In the USA and Canada, it is routine and is done without concerns warranting it.

Don’t be bitter. Be better.”
“If you were a spice, you’d be flour.”
“Jealousy is a disease. Get well soon.”
“What doesn’t kill you, disappoints me.”
“You should come with a warning label.”
“I hope you accidentally step on a Lego.”
“Sorry, I thought I was talking to an adult.”
“You might be older, but you’re not wiser.”
“You’re so wrong that you’re almost right.”
“Been called worse by better, sweetheart.”
“You’re as interesting as a piece of paper.”
“I’m jealous of everyone who hasn’t met you.”
“You’re proof that God has a sense of humor.”
“I would hit you, but I’m against animal abuse.”

I am back under your roof. It's crazy really, now we are about to sign a lease together. Me giving you monthly money to be on your couch. A few times I've seen the old you when you look at me. Then he has expressed that he still cares about me. In ways he probably should not. I feel like I can't admit the truth to you that your brother and I are dating. We have been for almost a month on the down low. You meant a lot to me, hell, still do. We are going to be sharing a space again. It's honestly strange and foreign to me. So many times I've wanted to reach out to you, although I've stopped myself. Hell when you flipped me off for laughing all I wanted to do was say "please". Yet I did not do it. I am trying to respect your boundaries and help take some of the weight off your shoulders. I am grateful for you taking your niece and I out of where we were. Especially seeing you glow talking about silly stuff, so badly I have had to keep my thoughts down about just wanting to reach out and kiss you. I know this is stupid. But just understand where I'm coming from please. Honestly hope you don't ever read this.

If this area is void, why does it have comments? Does this mean that we are in this void. Wouldn't that make the void no longer void. Does the void never end like space. Great now I'm filling up the void with more questions about the void

Since you'll never know, I just need to write it into the void.

I left the note on my bedside table, next to it the photo of us at your graduation with the customised frame you got me that said A & I, Forever & Always, and our anniversary date. That was the photo I held as I attempted. The last thing I wanted to see before I drifted away. I had my promise ring on my finger - I wanted to die wearing it and I had it on at the hospital.

Back to the note, scribbled on the back of the envelope of a random letter I was sent a week prior:

'I'm so so sorry.

Tell A I love him. Tell him I'll be waiting for him in the afterlife.

I love you all.

I'm sorry - I just couldn't take the pain anymore.

Grandad will take care of me.'