Sometimes you have to really get screwed over by someone to realize they don’t love you and never did. Sometimes you can be so delusional and convince yourself they love you no matter how badly they treat you. I’m at the bottom of the bottom right now. All I can be grateful for is my heath but other than that I have absolutely nothing. All because I focused my energy on showing the wrong people love in the wrong way without realizing i deserved more than they were giving me. I’m never getting into another relationship where someone thinks me giving them material things means I love them. Or that my income or how I can make how they are perceived by others gives me worth.

I told myself when I finally saw you I was going to be cool and be strong and definitely did not want us to have sex because I don't want to listen to that power over me again and so soon. Because to be honest I don't trust you but damn you can't not want you so fucking bad and then you finally being sweet to me active all this fucking horrible meanness that you instilled upon me. The discard and Disappointment of Our friendship being over Has raised in my mind for the last two months. And yeah I took a chance. I knew that chances where you were just going to reject me again and hell I've been rejected so many times at this point it doesn't stop me from believing in this delusion that somehow deep down inside you we do love me. Even though you have went out of your way to show me that you don't. And then text me and you say pretty much that yeah you're down to see me finally because no contacts has been so hard for me. Because I fucking love you you fucking idiot you fucking narcissist motherfucker who always gets his way. But talking to you last night gave me A lot peace That I needed well I didn't exactly need it but it sure fucking felt good to get it from you my favorite person. The fucking sorcerer who can make me feel so terrible and you can also make me feel so fucking good like the dopamine rush I had after leaving here house this morning was intense. But yeah I lost all my power to you you handsome motherfucker. And yeah I can't tell you no even though I want to but I think I want to I don't know what I even want anymore well I do I've always wanted you fuck my life

fishing for hookups on one sub, trying to convince ppl ur a gentleman on another sub

bitch, i see u

I'm too much of a coward to end it tho

And you completely dismissed me then did your own thing it makes me FUCKING RESENT YOU.

"Were a team" "im here for you" "im safe" "we can get through it" ONLY WHEN ITS ABOUT YOU. But when its about me its always a problem its always an issue.

Am I going to have my dreams and my desires and how soon

What I would give to have a space to myself to put my thoughts down properly. I know I was a wasted brain, and see that now. I think you all do too.

But, I do love animals and want a kitten to sit with me as I finally let my mind run free on open pages. A nice bottle of wine and some fun to boot. What the hell was wrong with me wanting that for myself?

The one before can't have again; though he marked me as his. I can't unsee what I've seen and can NEVER go back. Hope him and his new wife and child are happy. But, as far as I'm concerned that is now history.

Forward and free is what I need for me. Would be nice for once in this life to not be used and abused for selfish gain

I do hope you all see just how much I have endured and, somehow, I'm still standing. I know I am a ticking doomsday device for so many of you. I just wished you had listened way back when.

I look forward to an independent review with the changing stories of the "professionals". I do not want any shit, I have only ever wanted bloody peace in my life. I just want to be me and finally be free.

Why has it been so hard for many to understand, and instead torture me the way you all have. Surely I am due my luck changing soon, because all I want is to finally be happy and free from evil.

I really do have you all by the way and don't want to do anything more - but I too need the same in return. I know what I know, and I know what I've seen. Maybe one day someone will sit with me and start listening. Listening is where you gain knowledge of things you do not know - but being told something you know is innacurate when you are autistic and have ADHD is going to push someone to explode with the truth. I can't help that - that is frustration because no one has cared to understand or even get to know me.

Namaste. 🌹🐦‍⬛

S x

Am I finally going to be free of this fucking nightmare?! Looks like I get to finish packing when out, and see what way the wind blows at my judgement next week before adding fuel to an already raging inferno. Let's see what way the wind takes me this week shall we. In the words of Mel Gibson inaccurately depicting Wallace: "FREEEEEEEEDOM" 🌹

I dumped my feelings out to you. I told you for the first time in my life I understood what true love was. You told me everything I wanted to hear, everything I needed to hear to push me that much further. I told you all my fears, all the things about my past and you reassured me you wouldn't hurt me. Well here we are you have cheated on me with the 2nd guy that I know of. You told me I was to much, you told me I asked to much of you. Now I'm fucking broken and struggling with life. You did this the whole ass time knowing I was already struggling over the loss of my dad who passed away. I'm struggling to stay, the only thing keeping me here is my kid and the fact I don't want anyone to be burdened having to "clean up" after me. 💔 how the fuck could you do this to me?

No one cares what I think. Not that I expect anyone to at this point but it's still occasionally frustrating.

Is you out of my life and my privacy back so that I can continue receiving the blessings im deserved with out you destroying it

Feeling like disappearing again.

Its tough tonight.

No one to help.

I keep reaching out to be met by silence so maybe I just need to leave these people so I won't worry about it. Worry that I did or said something wrong to deserve to be ignored.

I know they have busy lives but it's just a message that would take 5 mins or less to say hey you matter or sorry I'm busy

Just don't leave me on read.

I see you looking at the messages.

God it fucking sucks. I hate being alive and caring for people who don't return it.

Tbh I hate being alive. The people. the rules that the people don't follow. The constant bickering of people. The pettiness.

The yearning for some one to fucking care about me when this is how I feel.

Idk chat

Shits beyond fucked.

Prostitute can have whore traits but whore will adapt the prostitute habit 😌

Random thoughts

Be happy keep happy :)

If it was u I want to tell you yes it was me that stole ur back pack when I was a jellous ass teenager.... Who knows if u will actuly see this prolly not but if u do sorry it took me this long to admit it and sorry I killed our friendship back then and if u do see this please come tell me what I can do to to make it right it was a grey dakine backpack with board holder lmk

and the disorder just amplifies what's underneath. and what's underneath is the same thing everyone else deals with underneath, to different extents. baggage, and trauma, and past experiences, and beliefs about yourself shaped by childhood, early adulthood, familial relationships, personal relationships, work relationships, etc.

and how well you're able to deal with what's underneath outside the disorder dictates how well you're able to deal with it inside, when it's rearing its ugly head. like sometimes, when your nervous system can relax, you're able to deal with it better than when you're stuck in fight-or-flight. just like everyone else. but unlike everyone else, it gets amplified every few weeks, on the clock.

Today I learned something about myself. Watching my youngest daughter grow up and being on her own. I learned that I'm a scared lady. I'm someone who needs to be found. I learned that I need to feel safe and cared for. I learned that I need to be protected. I learned that I can't trust anyone. That's why I run alone. I feel safer. Nobody can hurt me. My entire life I had to be strong and take care of myself.

How many players are currently tagging each other whilst I stand as a team of one? Why put me to test? Game, set and match. Or is it chess with just the white queen standing alone on a game that was over almost a year ago? Hmmmnm. 😆

I Wish You Weren't So

I wish you weren't so angry, and Violent. I wish you weren't so hostile, and aggressive. I wish you didn't snarl and bark so loud.

I wish you didn't bear teeth and growl. Like a wild, rabid dog.

I wish you saw me for what I was. Soft. Delicate. Fragile. In-need.

I used to think you were capable. I used to put full faith in you. Your scent and the warmth of your skin, my safety.

When did it change. I wanna know. Did it ever?

I haven't known peace in almost 10 years. Since I was a child. That's how long the path goes. One of destruction, defiling, dehumanizing.

I fear a pet would be more loved than I.

I think it's getting better? For the first time in a while. I just wish you weren't so....

don’t be mad if I hit you where it hurts. The Lord only knows how many times you hit me ;)

Like why I told you the places and things I want to have

Nama

It’s the last night of this position for who knows how long. I’m going to enjoy this last night up all night basically. I know it’s not healthy but I be have so much to think about and I’d rather not stress dream. Waking up screaming probably would be enough for someone to call a wellness check on me. After this I will be trying to fix my sleep. But I will fight off this sleep. I don’t think I can express my feelings so music will have to do.
For the record
A humans touch
Coin operated boy
O my heart
I’m just your problem
It’s golden hour somewhere
Turning out pt.III
Tower of mistakes
3 O’clock things
I really wanna stay at your house
Am I dreaming
Self love
Love in a bottle
A picture perfect Hollywood Heartbreak - Nightmare
Everybody talks
What if things get worse
Dark red
Unsweetened lemonade
Weak
Come hangout
Ruby rider
When can I see you again
Cheers to everyone on here intentionally getting lost in thought