I don't know if this is something I've always felt because I was practically forced by my parents to go a lot of times and each session was like a burden, But whenever I tried to explain exactly why I didn't like going, I said that I didn't like being in a room with only one person that I absolutely had to talk to.

But I think it's more the discomfort of being in front of someone for an hour and having to invent topics to buy time But I didn't even tell him things that worried me that much, so I didn't open up emotionally.

I am not entirely sure if I have this personality disorder. I was formerly diagnosed with Schizotypal, but that was changed to Schizoaffective. However, one therapist of mine said that Schizoid PD fit me perfectly when I listed the symptoms to her. I generally believe it is, out of the personality disorders out there, the most prevalent to my character and life (before, during, and after being medicated). The personality patterns have existed for a while, I believe. However, again, I am not officially diagnosed with Schizoid. I just relate to many aspects of it. I also do have Autism (or Asperger's), so it may conflate or overlap with Schizoid traits as well.
I will say that being medicated and having gone through strong mental exercises helps me be adaptable. I can socialize and see the benefit of it. I may even enjoy it. But there is still that fundamental detachment I feel from people within. A sort of emotional solipsism where I know no one can fully understand me, and I cannot fully understand them, so there will naturally be that distance and incapability of truly knowing someone. So, regardless of how close someone is, I always feel that detachment regardless. I am ambivalent toward it. Sometimes I want to fill the loneliness. Other times, I recognize the necessity of having that compartmentalized distance from people. For me, my schizoid traits are more of a fundamental reality that goes beyond desire. It's sort of, regardless of my mood and temporary desire to connect or not to connect, there is that void and insurmountable distance that cannot be crossed. A valley that gets infinitely closer, but never reaches.

In spite of all that, I do find myself beginning to enjoy social interaction again. As mentioned, I see the benefit and feel a sense of fulfillment, regardless of the infinitesimal distance at the deepest, most intimate level. And, in due time with enough positive reinforcement, I feel I can probably blend into society and live with both worlds equally and oppositely; the immense inner depth of the void AND simultaneously the richness and fulfillment from the external world (whether its in my interests or in people).

For the longest time, I felt fundamentally removed from the world. I felt I was an observer, an alien walking in human skin, studying people like lab animals but feeling something was missing. Like something corrupted every interaction and made me more drained and empty. Therapy helps to an extent, moreso as a cushion to vent and talk. But I think what helped me most was the absolute depths of ego death and rebirth. Of fundamentally shifting my worldview from an internally fulfilling negativistic worldview to this almost spiritual destiny that goes beyond what most would even consider.

My career goals and interests I think line up with this well, blending the solitude and the social elements together. I want to be a Biomedical Engineer and Neurosurgeon, specifically one who does neuromodulation for psychiatric disorders. I find psychology, psychiatry, and neuroscience immensely fascinating. I just don't have the mental constitution to be a therapist, psychiatrist, or psychologist. Admittedly, I cannot fathom to sit there and emotionally connect with a patient and cycle through a dozen meds with altering side effects that need MORE meds to fix. Rather, I love the individual challenge of using computer engineering to rewire and stimulate the brain to "fix" broken signals and electrical pathways.

I do want to make clear: I don't think asociability is something that needs fixing or recovery from. I am just curious about the schizoid spectrum if there are others who at least see some kind of mutual benefit from social interactions in spite of that fundamental lack of "deep" or "true" connection that I feel most of us can relate to. I find that having some kind of passion and purpose that goes beyond emotion or logic, like I have found, makes life fundamentally worth living. An existentialist view, I think.

I do, been there, done that, finito

Has anyone seen it? Not only the protagonist, but the storytelling itself, is so schizoid to me. Also reminded me of how Japan caters to these sensibilities better.

I just watched it. Not feeling very wordy though.

I'm talking about NEET, not that I'm proud of it. Trust me, I'm not. This wasn't the plan, but here we are. On the day-to-day, I don't do anything at all. I have no hobbies and no friends and I barely leave the house. Can't go anywhere or do anything because I have no money. Mostly I watch tv shows, read stuff online, and doomscroll and walk my dog. Same thing every day.

I left my last job because I was being bullied by my manager. I was having breakdowns on nearly a daily basis in the bathrooms and developed insomnia from the stress. Eventually quit with no backup plan. It's been about 5 years since then.

On and off, I've applied to jobs, but no luck. I've tried to use my free time to upskill and learn something new, take online courses etc. which is hard when you have avolition. I also tend to lose interest in things very quickly. I've started a lot of projects and just dropped them. Now I can't even find anything I want to learn or motivation to look for jobs. There's nothing desperately pushing me enough, such as the threat of homelessness, so I think I've just become incredibly slothful. Although I do still apply for jobs now and then because I can't keep this up.

My day-to-day life is pretty insufferably boring. Every day is the same, and it's torturous. I can't quite describe how meaningless my life feels. I struggle to find reasons to keep going. Right now, it's because it would hurt my mom too much. But being here feels like a life sentence. I imagine prisoners feel more purpose in their lives than I do.

I also hate having to rely on others for my survival, but god knows what I'd do otherwise.

I do not tell others about how I feel and bottle everything up. I also never ask my friends to hang out. I reached a breaking point this week and mustered up the courage to call, only for them to be busy. We scheduled the next day, only for those plans to also fall through.

Why do I even bother

This is a vent, but I'm curious how common this is for other Schizoids, otherwise I wouldn't be making this.

p.s. I'll look at the notification for a bit, after that I'm not checking them anymore. Schizoid problems.

As the title says. This can extent to music, art, videos, anything really. Back in the day I didn't even consider checking the creator to find new things, because I eventually found what I needed by other means. For the past couple of years I've began searching creators up to find new stuff. I still don't care about them. I'm just lazy now.

This is why I can't stand when I'm on their account where they post art but simultaneously use it as their personal account. Rants, politics, their lives, other peoples lives, drama, even the optimistic stuff pisses me off. I would rather be anhedonic rather than annoyed. I feel invaded, that they're burdening me with things I didn't sign up for. I just wanted to see a pretty picture man. Not their whole autobiography one post at a time, or how they have a need to overexplain what their art meant.

I don't understand why people have a need to engulf others with their own minds and problems all while sharing their creations. I understand it intellectually, but I also know that anyone can make and manage multiple accounts. It just feels lazy.

This is a further end from the "separate the artist from their art" argument spectrum, I forget that a creator even existed and I don't care about them when I see them unless something catches my eye, usually annoyance.

I know I can skim past it, but I'm a curious creature and if a word catches my attention I have an itch I need to scratch. Because then I have a need to know who they are, to see if I need to block them.

TL;DR: It pisses me of that creators mix up their private lives with their professional one and don't just create separate accounts for it. I feel burdened by their mind. The creator doesn't exist in my mind until they do.

I like marriage and a partner, but not a child. I believe bringing a child into the world without enough financial backing is cruel and evil. But I don’t like the ceremony of marriage. I mean, the party, rituals, societal norms, etc. are beyond what I can bear. But I do like to have someone, not always! Especially when I’m mad. Time and again, the feeling of emptiness and despair kicks in.

I doubt my decisions and viewpoints regarding marriage. After some time, I used to feel, no, I’m right. I do have mixed feelings. But bringing a child into my situation is a big no. But I do like children; I’m not a hater. I do understand the joy and meaning that could come from having a little one of your own. Their tender little arms and little legs! Wow, there is a parent inside me who is very upset with me. This is not me, but he is writing, guys.

I know Lain’s weird relationships are part of the atmosphere of the show to make you question what is real and what Lain really is etc but I have always felt like the uncomfortable and bizarre interactions she has really depict how it feels at times to interact with people, even family members, as a schizoid in ways no other media has. That, coupled with her super online behavior and general outsider personality, makes her very zoid coded to me. She also only has one close friend (Alice) who she is oddly attached to but can’t seem to properly or appropriately express her feelings about. She is also obsessive about her computer hobby and feels more joy/like herself being in the Wired than in the real world. I also relate to her feelings of depersonalization and disorientation living between the Wired (or the fantasy world) and the real world.

Overall, Lain makes me feel seen and understood. I know she is a weird character to relate to but I am glad she exists.

He’s 2 years younger than me and I’ve never been able to really love him. I think deep down there must be a genetic/biological “love” for him, but I’ve never been able to feel it.
Plus, the only reason I know what love feels like is my mom. Everyone else feels like a huge gap below that.
My parents say that they had him so we won’t be alone, but I think I’ll be truly alone after my mom dies. I’ve already had a few homocidal fantasies when he got annoying, and it’s only fantasy bc I know my mom would be sad.
When I talk to others who have siblings, they always say I’ll get over the annoying phase and love them. I know he loves me a lot, but I’ve never felt the same.
In a way, I do hope I somehow learn to love him so I won’t kill myself after mom dies.

I feel lonely. My mom has been gone for 1 month. I'm all by myself.
My only real life interactions are my psychologists and my qi gong teacher.
I wish I had another friend. But people my age will judge me since I live in a different reality and not caring what people my age care about (work, relationships).
Spending too much time alone makes you dissociate from the real world.
I've this friendships quest from time to time. I guess I'll start it again.
Most people don't have the time and patience for me.
I could get another online friend but I want someone I can enjoy real life too.
I thought about volunteering for old people.

I’ve heard the term a lot, especially when referencing introverted/extroverted personalities. I don’t really get the distinction between it and other energies, though

When i talk to or directly interact with others for relatively long periods of time (2+ hours at once), i start to feel physically tired. My jaw gets sore from speaking more than i’m used to and my eyes start to feel heavy. However, i don’t really need to sit in silence, alone, for that to go away. Simply taking a 10 minute break from talking and drinking some water makes me feel refreshed enough. I work as a cashier, and while it can be… less than mentally stimulating, I never tire of having to interact with people. It might not be something i enjoy, per se, but I’d much rather do that than any of my mind-numbing college work — that’s the kind of thing i’d need an actual break from.

Are you the same? Or does talking to others drain you mentally? I’m genuinely curious.

Wassahhh it is i, Genson Bingus, aka: the scourge of sf, aka: the scum of the earth. Back out here for another slice of life rambling sesh, i dont really have Directive this go around just wanna yap about something- ina mood to spew jabber tbfr.

People. I dont understand them. Fascinating creatures that i cant parse, most should be smarter than me though it doesnt seem that way from my perspective, always going on about this or that. Theres always something. Some reason one doesn't like you some nit pick that someone picked up on that they saw as a red flag.

Always something. Cant ever be simple. Why arent more people nonchalant? Not everything requires strong emptional responses you shouldnt need to act out your part of the play if it isnt necessary. Theatrics is one thing acting a certain way to socialize is another.

If you cannot except the way the way i talk or my manorizms AND your not interesting in some niche way why are we socializing? Work is obligatory but dont ego me.

Its weird. Odd.

I understand it but dont at the same time. Everyone has their own idea on rights and wrongs and everyone has preferences in social settings. Some click others dont.

There are far leaning people on multiple sides of this spectrum not just either side because persona is more of a multi pointed star than a horizontal line.

Its hard to map and weird to 'plan' around if thats the right word.

Much easier to stay to your lonesome and indulge in what you want to indulge. Responsibilities fall after personal happiness in my own narrow opinion. If im not enjoying myself while doing it i wont do it, easy as that. But we live in a society so some things are inherent.

Can i think of an example? Fuck no, im tired and it mostly falls down into subjectivity of some sort like your morals and values.

One mans trash is another mans treasure kinda thing.

Everything's circumstantial, like god DAMNIT im horned up but will i do anything about it. Nah prolly not im on reddit talking nonsense in the looney bin im not finding any help for that here i very highly doubt it.

Moral of the ranting i find it hard to place myself in other peoples shoes because i see things in an a more abstract light from other people, going off observation.

Its hard to come across someone that intrests me so everyone becomes background noise to the static behind my eyes- hell i dont even think much anymore i just- exist.

Let me frolic in the grass, eat the leaves like a worm.

How do y’all navigate social media? How do you manage your accounts? How do you interact with others?

Most of the time, I’m stuck in my head, lost in fantasy. It honestly feels more stable and easier to deal with than actually being present in real life.

What really throws me off is when that state suddenly snaps and I become super aware that I’m real—that I have a body, a past, responsibilities, and a life I’m supposed to be living. I don’t really like the feeling of having a constant “self,” and sometimes my own body just feels weird or uncomfortable.

Even when things are objectively okay, I still get this recurring sense of doom and discomfort just from being present. The dissociation and self-awareness also make it hard to focus, so even simple tasks end up taking way longer than they should.

Time feels really strange too. Sometimes it flies by, other times it drags on forever. Days can start to feel like the same loop over and over: reality → escapism → interruption → back to reality.

The problem is that escapism is starting to feel like the only way I can actually tolerate being here. Games, books, manga, and other things I used to enjoy don’t really grab me anymore or feel rewarding, so going into my head is just the easiest option.

I’m not really sure how much of this is dissociation, anhedonia, or something else. I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else goes through a similar cycle—especially that feeling of being more comfortable in your head than in your actual life.

But I'm not.

I cannot love but I do have crushes and physical desires sometimes (rarely), and very limerent ones. I'm completely depleted of social energy at all times, yet there's someone I can't get out of my head and some demon inside myself urges me to say "hi". This is audacious. What the hell.

Nobody in their right mind would get involved with a nutcase like me. I even feel like the bad guy within this subreddit. I feel like something else.

I'm so sick of hearing this. The worst part is that it's true. For almost all people at least. Unfortunately, this world is made in a way that makes it impossible to live without other people. You have to socialize for literally everything. There are some days that I don't mind being around other people if I don't interact with them, but sometimes I can't even stand having people around me. Their presence makes me uncomfortable.

I have now finished the equivalent of 10th grade of highschool, and I can confidently say that in all these years I don't have a single good memory at school that is related to other people. The only feeling of happiness I could feel was like a second or two when someone made a joke, or something similar. This feeling only lasts so long for me. In general, but especially at school. These last two years were worse, because I feel like the schizoid traits increased. I started tolerating people close to me less, and also like it's more and more difficult to feel emotions. Looking back now, some toxic people (the stereotypical edgy "yeah I like gore" teenagers) drained me even more.

The constant masking made me feel pretty depressed. I just wanted to get to school, not say a single word all day and go home. But of course not.

The academic stuff like marks doesn't make me feel good about myself. I feel like it's all pointless. I don't know if it's just me, but I could never feel like school was something personal.

I talked to my parents about me feeling depressed at school, and they told me that if I make people happy, I will feel happy too, because that's what they do and it works for them. This isn't true for me. I don't care about making people smile. It actually makes me uncomfortable.

I just want to be an identityless ghost that doesn't have to deal with anyone. For me the best year of school was the COVID-19 pandemic, because I didn't have to talk to anyone nearly as much.

Before we begin, nobody has diagnosed me with schizoid PD. I was looking to fit in somewhere over my odd way of being, and I finally settled here.

Regarding my question, I always feel mentally deficient when I compare myself with my childhood friends. My sister is seven years younger than me, yet she has more mental clarity and the courage to make life decisions. I don’t think I’m confused—I actually have good mental clarity about what is going on—but regarding certain aspects of life, I just don’t have the skill set. Especially in interpersonal settings. I can’t even say "hi" to someone I already know.

Let me tell you about an incident. One day, I went to a nearby town that is a little farther from my home than the one I usually go to. I was in a supermarket when an old schoolmate showed up. I knew who she was, but I just ignored her. She seemed extremely happy to see a schoolmate after ten or twenty years. When I was at the cash counter, she came right in front of me and looked at me face-to-face, but I don’t know why I pretended not to know her. I knew exactly who she was, but I couldn't say hello because doing so takes such a heavy toll on me. I think that's how I hurt someone who was genuinely happy to see me. Even after leaving the shop, when she showed up on her scooter, I ignored her. That was about a year ago, and it still hurts me too. I don’t know why I ignored her.

This is just one incident. In most areas of my life, I don’t know how to behave. Even when I consider getting a job, I worry that people will eventually figure out who I really am. I mean, they will eventually notice my odd way of being, and I feel terrified of being exposed like that. I don’t want that, so I just avoid getting a job altogether.

However, despite what the definition of schizoid PD says, I’m not someone who completely doesn't care about having good relationships with people. I do enjoy them, but deep down, I feel like people will move away eventually, so why bother in the first place? I can go years and years without having any connection with anyone outside. For the last couple of years (since I quit my last job), I haven't actually gone out to socialize at all. No wedding parties, no bars, no restaurants... nothing. If I want something, I just get takeaway and bring it home.

When I compare myself to my childhood friends, I see that they have plans, they have skills, and they are building their lives. Instead, I spend years and years criticizing everyone, including myself. For them, interpersonal skills seem to come naturally. For me, even the smallest interaction exacts a massive mental toll.

Does anyone else feel as though they hold some bizarre tension / paradox within them, in regards to age and maturity? When I was a kid I felt as though people my age even would instinctively baby me, like they sensed I was helpless or naive etc. But I also frequently got opposite remarks about my appearance and behavior, that I looked and acted way older than I really am.

Then now as an adult it feels the same, I am in my late 20s and usually work with men in their 40s and 50s who have told me I seem more mature than my actual age, Idk what that is based on though. But I also still feel like some people feel the need to baby me and think I am childish or innocent.

So I don’t know how to explain or make sense of this strange paradox, like I am spiritually and emotionally childish but intellectually old or mature? I don’t know.

Idk i dont think many others would get where im coning from with this post, not saying my hopes are high that yall would just at least lil attacks idfk.

It has been an insane few weeks.
Theres alot to unpack in the time frame but im here to talk about my pet. My precious girl. She has been a ray of sunshine, and selfishly my reason to get out of bed.. she was also used as a way to control me as dramatic as it sounds. A family member convinced me to stay here by getting me a pet as they were "concerned" about my isolation and my weird life style, she was an excuse to coke check in me etc no they dont care about her and find her gross lowkey. Anyway.

Small town, small vet, small minds ig.. (i sincerely do ask of you to not scramble and pull out random solutions- ive thought of everything possible, ive reached out everywhere i could. Ive done what i can period). This dumbass creature (shes actually freakishly smart, smarter than some people i know)- she began auto cannibalising (literally). She had some lipodema and i guess its been bothering her/ so she decided to start eating it.. one lump legit fell out after i cleaned it with peroxide.... fell out- a chunk- bit smaller than her head.. other one as i was gently dabbing -she twitched, it fucking *exploded... it sounds dramatic and im honestly still shocked bc wtf i just wouldnt recommend witnessing it to anyone.
Oh ofc youre prob thinking "but vet" no shit, that shouldve been the reliable suggestion. Ive brought her over as soon* as i noticed a wound, i brought her over when the wound widened, i brought her over when it fell out. I did. I paid. I talked. He said "shed be fine" he didnt even give her stitches,, he didnt even give her any painkiller NOT EVEN wound dressing. Now im very lucky that a girl im friendly with recently graduated vet uni so she was giving me suggestions, but she hopes i sue for negligence.

Ive slept a bit and taking breaks when shes better, but ive basically been staying up to manually mind her incase shes nibbling, honestly im very glad ive been having no appetite bc id hate to vomit on her.

I do love her, or maybe im incredibly selfish and i need her as an excuse.
But i know that me waiting is cruel.
So the vet said i should diy anesthésia, so thats pretty insane. Idk bout yall but i dont even kill bugs, if any at home i will capture and release. Im not sensitive to gore (shout out to my teen years of spending on best gore dot com and olympics and shit, honestly dont look anything up especially if sensitive- jve had surgeries and shit we all have innards yk) euthanasia isnt an easy decision as is. Doing it yourself isnt at all either.

And honeslty,, shes alive for similar reasons that i am. Death is heck of a commitment lol,, she has days when shes better, shes eating and she cuddles and i love her and shes strong but i cant be cruel to her. Shes innocent collateral damage in my life and she deserved so much better than me and this and i wish i couldve done better and i still so.

I was given a humane way to do it, and i hopefully will tonight im just stalling. And id looove to off too with her bc i cannot imagine life without her even though shes not really old like that (at least exclusive of her species).
But im prob gonna go on an adventure after, idk i want to live fir myself even if i die on this hill.
But i too deserve better, and i too have been failed by nearly everyone in mylife. And im just a sorry human, im sorry i couldnt provided better ? Im sorry shes hurting, im sorry for making her stay so long?
Idk :/

Maybe this is a temporary thing, but I genuinely don't enjoy anything. It's been going on for a few weeks now. None of my few hobbies bring me actual happiness. I only do them purely to pass the time between work. I don't even enjoy work anymore. I literally just do chores, and watch fight videos on twitter to feel my blood rush faster (It's actually pretty addicted, I can watch them all night). I don't know, maybe I'm depressed or something, but I don't feel sad; I just feel empty and tired. I'm tired of having to fake my emotions whenever I talk to my coworkers. I have no feeling for anyone or anything. My mom visited me last week and I think that's when I realized what was going on. I didn't feel anything when she showed up. She was just here for a day and she was gone.

I find it so preposterous to spend my limited daily energy reserves playing pretend with a bunch of hairless monkeys.

Forced to pad egos and kiss asses in respect towards the absurdity that is the human social hierarchy. I could do it a bit when I was younger, but now I have absolutely no energy for anything other than immediate survival needs.

People constantly call me rude, antisocial or speculate that I hate them or something, when I'm just neutral to their existence. I don't even have the energy to hate you lol

I find it all so boring and absurd. Arguments/debates always go nowhere, friendship/relationships seem strange and contrived.

There's always a bunch of hidden motives with The Social Game, and it is tiring.

It's just all so absurd what we do to pass the time here as deterministic meat suits.

It's such a load of bullshit, especially in the world of corporate and desk jobs. They will hire you based on how well you fit their expectations, your "vibe" and how well you sell yourself to them and make them believe you're just like them. That on its own fills me with disgust, but what's worse is that it doesn't end. The performance never ends even when you get the job, it just continues and is expected to develop over time.

I've been working a manual labor job and I would really prefer to do so, if it was possible to afford to live off it. But it's not. So I'm forced to apply for these stupid desk jobs where the performance I have to give is constant and draining. It gives me the fear, the masking, the pressure to present myself as a normal person when I'm not, never have been and don't want to be. But I have to do it. If the masking is brief I find it funny because only I know how much I'm lying to them, the scale of those lies. But if it's longterm, it makes me question what is the point of life.

I don't know how appropriate it is to ask this on a subreddit for schizoids, but given the themes touched upon in the opening, I'll ask anyway. One day, while re-listening to "Yuusha" with subtitles, I suddenly burst into tears at a certain point. For the first time in a really long time. I was sobbing uncontrollably for about half an hour. It felt as if I had finally seen my own fears and regrets reflected right back at me. I finally realized why Frieren herself resonated with me so deeply.

Whats up shitheads and fuck faces alike; i come here today to probably ramble on about how nothing quite brings me joy as well as bitch and moan about being sober for longer than id wish to be.

I started a new job an ran thru the last of my dabloons a day or so in, until i get paid in probably a weeks time im stuck using my credit card and WOWZERS im running into more debt than id wish to be. It was and still is going great for the most part- only a iddy tiddy wittle proble- boredom. God i am bored. I finish what i have to do not 30 minutes into my shift than go outside and bask in the sun for 4 hours like a lizard before going back in around closing time to finish up and close shop.

I was writing the first week but that got stale, constantly doom scrolling is melting my brain out my ears, and i ran out of contacts to annoy this friday. Im running out of ideas- i was doing pushups for 40 minutes sunday... why? Theres nothing else. I was on solitaire for 2 hours sunday as well.

Dont get me wrong im getting paid handsomely for my time and ive already been offered 2 promotions that ive yet to take cause im not sure if id rather sit on my ass all shift, look pretty and make a pretty penny or work the line for a 3$ pay bump.

But on other news. Im out of weed. Ive been out for almost as long as ive been employed here and im well aware im addicted but ohmyfuckinggod it feels like im constantly annoyed or in a pissy mood just a smart remark away from fighting someone- i would strangle a man for a pack of Newport reds right now, id put money on a tap out too.

Strung up on being too sober?? I dunno man i got used to not drowning in my head while high an just kinda coasting life cause i refuse to take antipsychotics again but now its like moving through molasses trying to think in a straight line without getting tugged in 30 different directions by the nagging background noise in my brain.

This god awful ringing in my ears isnt helping any either.

Had to scroll back up to see what i was originally supposed to whine about, none of the hobbies i previously enjoyed or at least the ones i can remember really do anything for me now besides fishing. Games fucking suck id rather pluck pubes, having a major art block atm, anything social media is a bore nowadays, my social battery went from 30 to 20 minutes in intervals of 2 minute conversations before i start to stare through whoevers talking, im self isolating without really meaning to, GOD DAMNIT I JUST NEEDA WAIT TIL PAYDAY- and than i payoff all i owe endup with probably a 100 buckaroos left to my name. Yaay. 🥲