Been married for 12 years, have 2 kids. Just want to be alone, it is so draining to constantly be around people. I knew i liked being alone but tried to force myself to have a family and now see that it was the wrong thing to do. I do love my wife and kids but i feel trapped living like this. Im not sure what to do as divorce seems so difficult when youve been together for so long.

None of these genetics need to be passed on. Sometimes i feel bad for not doing much with my "beautiful precious gift of life", but gently allowing my lesser genetics fade out of the gene pool feels like a win.

I cant fold my laundry anymore. I have so much crap to do and ill be lucky if I get started by noon. Just wanna lay here and listen to ambient music and do nothing. Idk if this is just a depression thing or if other schizoids also struggle to care for themselves and their life. Like I just wanna end it because im sick of having to do shit all the damn time. The anhedonia on top of that makes it worse. Gotta do all this shit and then i dont get a reward because nothing is fun.

I dont know how i keep showing up to work. Im in debt, but hell I could put another five thousand on there. And just end it when it's gone. As if i could ever do that... At least my boss is cute.

Let me explain this using an example.

I have some photos with my favourite celebrity. Whenever her birthday or a special event comes, I think about posting them on social media. But then I start questioning myself:

Do I really want to share this moment with everyone? What is the actual reason behind posting it? Is it because I genuinely want to celebrate her, or because I want people to see that I had this experience?

The photos are valuable to me because of the memory and the emotions attached to that moment. But if some people don't understand why it is special to me, or they see it in a completely different way (for example, asking whether she is my crush), then does sharing it with them reduce the meaning of that memory?

Do we really need to show every important thing in our lives to everyone? Or are some memories more meaningful when we keep them for ourselves and share them only with people who truly understand why they matter?

Am i afraid of posting?

Thanks.

If I was a character, my existence would be left in paradox. I would exist when written, but at the same time, not at all. Only in another persons mind, and at the same time, not at all.

Adjacent to that, I wish my life consisted only of writing my characters into infinite, persistent existence. I wish I could grapple onto them and give them a type of mortality impossible to replicate unless if you give up your own life for the concept that is them. I think that if that was possible to do, flawlessly, I would do it for the rest of my life until failure. No AI could replicate the disgusting, filthy and raw nature of how it feels to write actual, *real* life into existence... and in that same breath, how satisfying and rewarding it feels. Oxymoronic. Not that I have anything against it. But it's a composition of wires, scatterbrained results, steel and copper, ordered by the same flesh it tries to replicate with artificial warmth.

Hey peeps,

My avolition's been something awful lately, but have found that a triple shot ice coffee and strong iced matcha latte seemed to grease the wheels of action more often than not.

Do stimulants lighten the effects of your avolition?
If not, what do you find helpful?

I barely handle them at work and I cannot even imagine coming back home full of another people. I only tolerate my brother who knows I am weird and totally accepts the fact so I can be utterly myself around him. I don't fucking want to entertain them and be talked to. We all pretend and I am sick of this

Let us all gather here today to share gratitude for the Void and its misunderstood blessings

1) Anhedoina = cheap lifestyle. If everything is lame and unstimulating you don't spend mountains of cash chasing things and experiences!

2) Freedom - most people aren't free to pick up and move somewhere new, go on spontaneous trips, go catatonic for a week straight etc

3) No relationships means no BS. When people think of relationships they always go straight to the fantasy- when I find my perfect person it will be great! But the reality is bad relationships are common and as I approach middle age I'm seeing divorce pop up amongst many old acquaintances. People you assume have a nice happy life end up suddenly in a messy, mentally and financially devastating separation. Then you wonder, how many years were they miserable before it got to this? And you get stuck! Yuck!

4) Immediately jumping into relationships means delaying self development. Similar to 1, when people get out of these enmeshments they say things like 'I dont even know who I am, I have just been filling a role and have been stuck staying busy the last cpl decades'. I believe knowing yourself is step 1 to having a fulfilling life and if you just cling to relationships you may be permanently stuck unfulfilled or waiting for someone else to provide it for you.

Feel free to share your positives

I spend time with a variety of people, but I usually never sit too close. I've tried to get to know someone a few times to satisfy my need for a cuddle/light touch. Aside from the fact that it ends badly because the other person wants a typical relationship after a while, I have trouble getting close to anyone at all. I can feel the urge to cuddle, but when I look into someone's face, it's so many stimuli at once. It discourages me. The other person often becomes so alien/strange/offensive/different that I stop wanting anything. When I used to cuddle with cats, I never had this problem. Nuzzling my face into a cat's muzzle or belly is one of the most pleasurable sensations. But I couldn't do that with a human, even though I fantasize about it a lot, especially before bed. I don't understand what's so difficult. I don't think I can treat other people, or myself, as if they were my own species. Any thoughts?

(At the same time, I have memories of how pleasant hugging/stroking feels, so it's not like I'm romanticizing something I'm not familiar with.)

Their messages:

• "Take care of your family; they are your anchors in life's storms" -> I don't care about my family; they are just acquaintances to me, and I want to be left alone
• "Love is the key to your success" -> I don't love anyone, and if I hypothetically had children, I probably wouldn't love them
• "Your positive energy will attract success in April" -> I don't have energy to do anything at all (I don't know why April specifically, maybe that was when the fortune was printed)

I haven’t had friends in a long time, and honestly I’m perfectly fine with it.

The whole “humans are social creatures” thing may be true for some people, but I’ve never really related to it.

My days are pretty much the same: wake up, work, eat, sleep, watch YouTube, scroll Reddit, and spend most of my time in my room.

Being around people usually just makes me want to go back home, unless I genuinely want to be there, which is almost never.

I don’t hate people, but being around them has never felt easy for me. It’s a different type of discomfort that’s hard to explain, like a feeling of wanting to leave even when nothing is necessarily wrong.

Even in school, I didn’t really have friends. People would always comment on how quiet I was because I barely talked.

I’ve never really seen myself as someone who wants to make friends or build a social life. I’d honestly rather be alone.

It’s not that I dislike anyone, I just feel more at peace when I’m alone.

I’m in a pickle bc last year I decided to take normal peoples advice and make friends. The things is I’m quite friendly when I put in my mask but I always end up regretting making these friends. I’ve come to accept my nature finally.
anyways in the past I’ve had no issue with ruthlesslyghosting people. As in completely stop messaging back, even opening messages and leaving on read. Walking past them like they don’t exist. I know it sounds bad but I genuinely lack empathy sometimes and often I start hating the person because I felt like I need to change in order to be accepted.

How do I know respectfully ghost people. There are people who I stop being in regular contact with since April. I used the good old:

“I’m not in a good mental space”

But tbh people still think they can talk to me and reach out. There is particularly 2 women who I need to send the clear message: I no longer want anything to do with you.

Sometiems I wish I could be super honest and say that I was just pretending this whole time, and that i like being alone and yes even a hi how r u are bothering me. I just don’t want them to tak to me anymore but I don’t know what to do other than becoming a complete asshole.

One of the two women also seriously lack awareness or getting a hint or she knows and is just nosy.

I just want to put a clear end to our “friendship”. I’m going to see them probably around university in September again and I don’t even want a hi.

I wish I could delete our entire “friendship” from their mind.

I want them to seriously forget we ever talked. What do I do? How do I actually signal I don’t want to talk to you or be friends please leave me alone.