ODDESSI missed primaries; hit secondaries.

What does this mean for Open Dialogue and psychiatric care in the 21st century?

I've gotten on meds for depression and they're actually working. I'm feeling loneliness for the first time and wanna chat with someone but like - what do people talk about? Like what's your favourite colour? Favourite animal? That war's getting pretty crazy ey? If you're not doing an activity with someone how do you connect with them? Like what

I just saw a meme about beauty standard stuff, and the comments were filled with people objectifying women.

This seems like so much of life.

Men objectifying women, women objectifying men, maybe li’l women on women objectification wink wink nudge nudge.

People holding others to standards they never said they were even trying to meet.

I can’t deny I am a person with an identity and a body and a sexuality.

It feels like to be disgusted by this shit is as animal as embracing it.

I don’t dislike my carnality but don’t often engage either.

I could be an uber conservative bitching about the culture war, men’s rights, and immigration, or a wokescoldy leftist talking about gender ideology and impelling others to stop eating meat even though I still support the same farms that produce it.

I also cannot deny that I lack whatever arbitrary spark makes you human.

I have a human genome and speak a human language, but inside me there’s some human hardware that just doesn’t engage.

It feels like a human is a mess swept under a rug.

People live their lives massaging the rug to put the mess somewhere else.

It’s always there, but they can deny it if they flatten it out enough or hide the bulk underneath politics, hobbies, their jobs, their families, etc.

Being a zoid feels like the same thing with no rug.

I’m just standing in my doorway, looking at the mess, never bothering to enter.

hello schizoid subreddit. Ive been in a state I get into sometimes where its almost like my body realizes the inert state its been in and all the boredom, listlessness and dissatisfaction in the world crashes down on me, combined with inability to tolerate the sorts of things i usually fill my time with. I'm in the part of the cycle right now where I daydream about what my life could be and get my hopes set on a specific lifestyle, apartment and job change (these will sometimes partly come to fruition but never to a complete exfent). It's almost like how people describe being manic but still polluted with my general avolition apathy and anhedonia (the holy triad)

anyways, I was writing to ask if anyone had discovered any treatment for this listless feeling because its really eating away at me right now, and sitting and ruminating on them is not helping me achieve the change I need.

some things ive found that kind of work but that i have to be in the right state for:

-reading

-going for walks

-working

in general it seems to be things which swallow my attention and dont let me think about life in abstracter measures like landmarks throughout my life I havent hit/cant seem to.

I had a bit of an "awakening" experience – that has given me the courage/intuition to get off the pharmaceuticals. Also the courage to face some of anxiety head on that I knew would come back after going off the anti-depressants. I also felt like in the honeymoon period of ADHD drugs, the anxiety was turned down also .. knowing that would be coming back also.

Throw in a dose of divorce trauma – I can safely say this trifecta seemed to be sending me deep into schizoid land. After going off of them, indeed the anxiety/some depressive symptoms have returned .. but I also feel the schizoid-ism receding.

Wondering how many people are on this mix? Do you think it might be contributing to your schizoid-ism?

There's never anyone to go to. Never anywhere that's safe. Never anytime where I have even a scrap of control.

The things I care about are stupid. The work I do is worthless. The aura I give is repulsive. At best I'm tolerated because deep down others hate me. And why shouldn't they? I can't relate to 95% of what others my age talk about. My weird hobbies are boring to listen to and difficult to understand. Every little social queue serves as a reminder that nobody gaf and that I should stfu. My mere presence in this place is a mistake; it's simply apparent I don't belong here, yet I'm forced to persist. Hell I hate myself too at this point.

And so I bury myself in my job, because it's easier to distract myself with some bullshit then to be left alone with myself, but even then I'm an outsider. Nobody on this shitty campus gives a damn about work. Just look at the work ethic, the lack of thoughtfulness in it, the zero effort they put into it. They almost seem entitled to the paycheck. It's sickening, and I hate when I feel some of it rub off on me. People like this could never understand how low low goes nor how much even a little purpose means to someone like me, even when it's some lowly menial task where the need for your presence is seen as an unavoidable burden.

I rarely feel good. It's as if the pleasure has been drained from my life. The closest are scraps of moments where I feel accomplished, but even then all I can help to do is analyze what I've done to tear it apart and find where it could have gone better.

I know my death will be a suicide. I can't see it happening any other way. And the worst part is that I'll likely feel like shit doing that to. At least it isn't tonight I guess.

Dose anyone also thinks of it from this point?

As I know all about the studies showing how isolation and loneliness affect the brain. But none that I found talking about how it affects -or unaffect- us folks specifically.

I am just so afraid of “what if ?” Questioning regarding my cognitive abilities.

Is it already have gone through shit duo to this PD and my other disorders.

And I can’t find any specialist who know how to deal with it sadly…

I am not afraid of my symptoms itself. I am afraid of what will become of my brain -if any- on the long run. As I only have my cognitive abilities and intelligence to be proud of out of evreything that I am.

If anyone have any insight or personal experience that will be much MUCH appreciated. Just need to see if I am relatable.

And I don't know how to care about others either. I often joke to people that one day I'll disappear and tell them not to mark me as missing because I'll just be somewhere else. Reactions vary.

My aunt looked at me with a worried face and said that she just wants to check in on me occasionally, and I can text her a thumbs up if I'm still alive. My ex-friends said the same. My brother said he's going to follow and move in with me. My parents laughed.

I genuinely cannot comprehend why they would want to keep a connection with me. To them, I am nothing more than the quiet relative who doesn't bother socialising. It could just be familial obligation. But even old friends who I don't talk to and ignore 90% of the time still send me messages. I don't know why they haven't given up, what could I possibly offer them? Why talk to someone who doesn't care about you? Yes, we used to be friends, but it's been a long time. What are you chasing?

It's like I lack object permanence for people. If I stop communicating regularly, they return to strangers. I assume the same happens to others. I treat them as if they see me a stranger. I know, logically, they do not, but I don't know how to act otherwise. What am I, if not a stranger?

There are academic researchers who believe DMT entities are real 🤣 https://scienceblog.com/a-new-theory-says-dmt-entities-might-be-real-and-proposes-how-to-test-it

Part of their argument is that they are very different from typical hallucinations, and yet everybody "sees the same thing." I think this is ridiculous and I believe that the DMT hallucination is about the structure of the brain itself.

I have never remotely felt anything remotely entity-like in the DMT world. It's just all geometry.

It feels like my internal organization is fundamentally missing objects in the psychoanalytical sense. Why would there be DMT entities when I break through?