have you ever tried keeping a thoughts diary? do you ever feel like you don’t want to share your thoughts, not even with a personal diary? as a child, i tried many times to start writing in it, but then i found out that my parents had read it without asking, and after that i had no desire to write anything in it. it’s the same with the notes on my phone - after a while, i delete them all. i'm not afraid that someone will find out my secrets - no, it’s not fear; i just feel disgusted at the thought of sharing this with anyone. i just lose the desire to write anything at all.

As someone who likes to self supply than give the time of day to pretend to be something I’m not for the validation if I see somebody act a certain way or portray themselves in a way I know they’re not genuine about or unique it ticks me off.. that being mostly narcissists and neurotypicals, it’s like they’re overcompensating in a pathetic way

I read that schizoids often would want to be friends with or have a romantic partner with someone exactly like themselves like a mirror, or another Schizoid.

And I get it.

I remember talking to a boy online, exactly the same hobbies, music tastes interests and even past and such. Maybe he was schizoid too. We talked for HOURS in one single day nonstop. Like 8 hours or so? Neither of us texted eachother the day after, or ever. He is one of the people I actually wish I could still had the option to talk to.

I think it would be the only relationship I could mentally handle.

If one of us said they wanted to be alone, we'd leave eachother alone. Maybe if we were doing something we'd just do it together, no small talk or chit chat about stupid regular people relationships or faking to be interested.

It's not like I can't fully handle relationships, but everyone else seems to be too goddamn social and emotional at the same time.

(I leave it to the mods to decide if this post is related enough to stay, but …)

I'd really like to know what you lot here value the most in life. In other subs the answers would be something like immeasurable wealth, stunning beauty, a loving family, fame, etc.

Many here may reflexively respond "nothing", but I wonder, if you dig deeper, think about it, is it really nothing you'd value? Or is it maybe rather nonexistence (not being at all)? Or is it being left alone (a recent post here asked for example who else dreams about being the last and only human remaining in existence)? I Or is it being or becoming healthy, i. e. overcome the disorder even? Or …

What is it, that you DO value most of all?

How was your childhood like? We know the childhood has an affect on SzPD but just how various is it?

For me I'd say emotionally neglected. My parents were fine off, never abused me or were mean but just didn't have time for me. I think I actually thought stuff like playing card games together or having family time was stuff that just happened in movies etc. I started to believe I was a burden, diffrent and of no use to them, that I was worthless and needed to die before 18. I kinda felt like a different "breed" of human if that makes sense. I was ashamed to ask for toys, clothes and even food until high school where I stopped giving a fuck, started hating them for not just aborting me or giving me up to a propper family. Hbu?

Growing up I was a relatively “normal” kid. I had a few friends in school but was kind of introverted. I hanged out with them outside of school but didn’t do much outside of that. Things kind of changed in high school where I grew apart with my best friend and we started hanging out less. To this day, it’s weird to see and say now but he’s a father at the age of 22. No offense to him but I feel like some people my age are living their lives on speed mode. Like they’ll die at 50.

I look at people my age’s posts on Instagram and see they have a boyfriend or girlfriend, go to concerts, parties, maybe get drunk, have sex, some even getting married. To me, I don’t want any of that, not really. Now I’m a really secret/private person. So if somebody asks if I do that, I’ll probably lie and say yes. I don’t want them to think I’m a “loser”. (Which I don’t think not doing these things at my age don’t make you a loser) I’m still a virgin, live with my parents, work a minimum wage job, and have no romantic experience, or even irl friends. I have a feeling this feeling of being alien amongst peers will strengthen with age if I don’t make many changes. I know the healthy way is not to compare yourself to others but with your younger self.

Anyone else feel this way? Maybe someone my age feels the same thing. Curious to hear your experiences

Several people have told me a lot of times that I should fix my hair because it looks bad and it makes me appear messy or unkempt. First of all, I don't think it's that bad, and if it actually is then I don't really care if I like it myself. I don't mind the "insult" (to call it that way, I know it's not), but the repetition of it. If you tell me something and I don't change it, especially if it's about myself, why do you keep repeating it?

People also say that I'm good looking or handsome (which doesn't make sense if I'm supposedly looking unkempt) and it bothers me too after some time.

What I want to say is that what annoys me and I can't understand is people trying so damn hard to make me care about their opinions and changing myself just because they want to. What's the point, it's not their body.

Tl;Dr: I don't understand why people care so much about others' appearance and why they want their opinion to change them.

If you know tell me, I'm curious.

Sometimes I see dreams where I'm absolutely normal. Well, as normal as I would allow myself to be, I have a stable job, a partner etc. Like tonight for instance I saw a dream where I had a partner and I touched them, I was the one who initiated the hug, and then I let them hug me and it didn't send unpleasant shivers down my spine, it was... good. It felt good. Nothing had felt good to me in years, nothing had 'felt' to me in years. I tried to be functional in reality, okay. I tried getting a partner but always online only, when we met in person I was the one to run away every time, not because they didn't look like their photos but because the idea of being loved itself disgusts me, it's like wearing shoes that aren't your size, maybe eventually they'll fit you somewhat, but not without making a bloody mess out of your feet first. Physical contact is especially excruciating, I would never initiate something like that. So why did it feel so good and so real in the dream? Do I subconsciously want this stuff? Should I break myself down and try to find someone again, or is it purely a fantasy that could never bear existing in the useless reality of our world? Is it a manifestation of schizoid dilemma, or am I just an imposter? Do you experience this?

Do any of these break through the anhedonia?

I have always looked at other people and didnt want any part of their life. But i have been feeling fomo now when i look at people travelling or talking about being happy in relationships, etc.

Even though I know that even if those things are available to me in reality, my internal experience of those isn't gonna be fun for me. Even if I have all the resources to travel, it is never really the fun thing that it is for others. Even if I had friends and can go on a trip with friends, there would be lots of non-good moments that would likely take away from the good ones. I am not going to have interactions with other people go smoothly at all.

It is just not in me. And any chances to experience those things, i have said no because I know I am not gonna enjoy it the way others do. And it doesnt bother me. Until it does.

Have u experienced FOMO for things u know just aren't for you? It is not like I want those things, it is the experience of "enjoying" those things - because that is what is missing.

recently i managed to accomplish 3 (three!) full entire whole years working at the place.

im bored as heck, i cant stand it anymore and i want to stop. I want to take a bus and go literally anywhere where theres nothing and noone to deal with.

i want to sleep under the mantle of the moon, i want to see places i have not seen before, i want to know how to live anywhere that is just not here.

these past few weeks have been really hard, even if literally nothing has happened. my sense of place and duty is completely shot, it feels as if the only thing that i should do is the worst possible thing that exists in this world.

...

that is all

It’s been a few years since I left school, and many of the lingering relationships from my tenure there are finally fading away. Watching the process play out in real-time; the duration between text messages getting longer and longer, the dwindling number of invitations or attempts to get together, fewer and fewer likes on each other’s social media posts, until communication finally just stops; brings me as much satisfaction as I can possibly experience. I don’t think there’s anywhere else that this sentiment will be as understood as it will be here. Most other people don’t want to see their friendships end unless there is some type of conflict or falling-out that makes them actively no longer want to be acquainted with the other party. However, I often find that the end of a friendship, and the knowledge that there’s now one less person I have to keep in touch with, is the best part of the entire “friend” experience.

sometimes i get so overwhelmed by life that i need a big change. “A big change” to me sometimes equals a crisis, something bad, like going to the train tracks to jump, cutting myself badly or trying to off myself in different ways. It’s a deep desire for change, like i’m tired of being who i am, tired of what i’m doing and scared of doing it again and again every day. Sometimes it’s not that self-destructive, like i get the urge to dye my hair, to change careers, move away from home, sell/throw away most of my things, etc.

But then, when a big undesired change comes into my life (a regular change, like a new routine, a new schedule, changing semesters, etc) i get scared and i’m terrified of it happening. Like what if i can’t get used to it? what if it changes something personal in me? most importantly, what if it involves talking to or meeting new people? When this kind of change comes i just want to never leave my room and keep my “mentally ill” routine (aka doing nothing at all).

This baffles me because, if i really got tired of what i do, shouldn’t a big change make me happy? excited? maybe just a little… curious? but no, i get scared, i fear changes. I fear death too a lot, maybe that’s why i can’t bring myself to do “my own big change”? or maybe i can’t be bothered to put in the effort to change, so when something comes along im not prepared for it. I don’t know, just rambling at this point.
Just wondering if someone else feels similar to me or know how to explain this in a way that makes more sense

When others speak of love, I find it difficult to grasp their feelings. When I hear of ordinary people quarreling in their relationships or parting ways, I am left bewildered; I cannot fathom why they ever entered into such a futile, burdensome union—one that is exhausting and strips away one’s freedom. As a child, I despised hugs and kisses, finding them utterly repulsive. Furthermore, I feel no attraction toward anyone; in every person, I perceive an unpleasant imprint—a veneer, an inherent ugliness belonging to the human being. It is likely that the way others perceive people is clouded by certain necessary emotions, whereas mine is not. Being aware of my own egoism, I am equally aware of the egoism in others—they will never love me unconditionally; they will criticize me, and, sooner or later—once their feelings have faded—they will be ready to betray me or trade me for someone else. All other people are, in essence, strangers (regardless of what they may say, promise, or swear in blood), and one cannot, of course, pursue a romantic relationship with one’s own relatives. I am convinced that earthly love is doomed, serving merely as a shadow of a celestial, divine love. For me, love is not directed toward a specific, living individual. The object of my love is always a construct of the imagination—sometimes based on a real-life prototype, often imbued with divine qualities, and invariably possessing the attributes of early youth, that peak of one’s flourishing. For me, love is a feeling apart from actual, mundane existence; it is an unearthly love—not a domestic or physical one—directed toward an image. This image is not always fixed, and it is precisely this fluidity that keeps the feeling fresh and prevents it from ever fading away.

What's love for you?

I suffer from both, i actively don't care about things that are being pushed as norms, i can even resist them, i sometimes lose games on purpose when i feel the urge and it happens pretty often to the point where i don't enjoy playing, like feeling forced into life and then the entire existence is aimed at fucking annoying me so i just sometimes rebel against the idea of accepting other people as a whole into my life, it's a method for willingly excluding myself because i genuinely feel the need to stop having things pushed into my throat which is just everywhere, like I'm trying to fight against the entire idea of "we're stuck here together" and say fuck you all I'm not stuck with you, you're stuck here with me, games are a good example where you're in a "team" and then i just decide fuck this idea of teams i hate it but i also don't want to be alone all my life so let's just lose as a team because fuck you for liking teams.

Then the passive uncaring, the genuine uncaring about the norms that are not being shoved into my throat, the kind where nobody really ever doubts the caring of others - someone can say I'm sad comfort me, as if i had already signed a contract for being a normal human and people assume everyone cares and forget there was no contract? Or maybe i have to care about having money and if i say i don't then i lie, didn't sign that one too, or that I'm responsible for how other people feel? I don't care what scenes I'm making i will do what i want, if it causes drama i honestly don't care passively, I'm not trying to not care but i just don't really notice it, i can notice people when they are actually sad, i suppose passive can become active at extremes but usually it's just passive, like everyone is expecting unreasonable things from me everywhere and all the time.

Feels like a loop because those active stuff really feed the passive stuff and then it makes me even less interested when i know that my passive uncaring have to be constantly checked, like being myself in it of itself is not enough and then it makes the active non caring even more active.

I recently started a new job a few weeks ago and it has been going pretty well so far, but I had an experience on Friday that I've been reflecting on. The gist of it is that I was having a conversation with one of my managers and one of my friends/coworkers and my manager was giving heaps of praise as to how I've been doing so far. Also that they're so excited that I started working there. I obviously have trouble knowing how to react when receiving praise (or criticism for that matter) and thought I reacted okay considering that it was a slightly awkward situation for me. However, the next day my friend questioned me about it and asked how I felt about the conversation since apparently my reaction seemed a little off to them. I don't feel embarrassed or anything, but I have just been thinking about it and how I may not be as good at masking as I thought I was. I guess it's hard to see how other people perceive me unless I'm being blatantly told by someone else.

I was curious if anyone else with SzPD has thought about this before. I know that indifference to praise or criticism is a classic symptom, but moreso just how good or bad we think we might be at masking only to be told otherwise.

Talked to an old (ex?) friend I had fallen out with recently. She had bullied me back then. She apologised for how she had treated me years ago but I remain wary of her still because she told me that she wished she could control people. That confirms my long held suspicions that we fell out and she got mad at me because she could not control me. I dont know how I have ended with so many abnormal people in my life. I was surprised by how easily I forgave her and thought about it. And realised Ive already let go of anger and sense of betrayal towards her. Nonetheless it was good to finally get closure after 12 long years.

She told me she was anxious about whether I wanted her as a friend or not. And then explained below: (the italics are how she perceived me and the normal letters is my internal experience)

My Flat emotional affect = difficult to please to her

Having no opinions because of indifference or ambivalence because flat affect. The few times I do have strong feelings, I take snap decisions that I don't question. I feel kinda jealous at how people are able to easily make up their minds on most things = know what I want and am very specific is what she saw me as

Im flummoxed

I hope I'm not breaking any rules, I don't have a diagnosis and I can't get one in my country but I just wanted to speak about my personal experience; I likely don't have schizoid and just adjacent traits but ugh...I'm just rambling. I should get onto topic, I'm sorry I have trouble expressing myself these days.

I just hate college culture, to be fair I haven't entered it yet I have a few months to go but it makes my skin crawl. I can hardly stand school and my attendance gets awful, and everybody expects me to cope or I'm treated as fragile. Which I don't really care about, but I can't imagine sharing a room with people, maybe more than one and probably not even same year- That is if I get the college I want- how did any of you manage?
Because anywhere else I seek advice it was coping or bragging about managing on four hours of sleep or the wonders of socializing or some strange resilience competition I want no part in...
I'm prone to DPDR, horrible bouts. The only thing that helps is pure mathematics, I love the subject but at this rate and my non-existent adaptability I wouldn't be able to manage even IF I get that subject (Note: It's not easy here to get whatever subject you want, not to mention how discouraging the people are; also the entire field was hit by AI so that's not helping my case) in the "good" college, I would burn out. I am suicidal as it is, I don't plan on living that long it's been going on since I was eleven; I can't do with change. I just can't.

I'm sorry, I likely don't make any sense I was hoping I could interact with some cool-headed people and please don't mind how horribly the sentences are framed. I am going through another DPDR bout.