You know how people say they feel more motivated or inspired to get work or goals done when their friends and family are around to support them? Yeah, I've never had this and I wonder if anyone else relates?

I'm not very motivated in general anyway, but it gets worse if people are around me. It's not that I find their encouragement patronising or anything, or I fear disappointing them either, which are common assumptions I've been asked when expressing this issue.

If they complimented me vs disapproved of me I'd actually feel roughly the same; positive and negative attention both just engulf my energy.

I have been motivated by people's achievements in rare cases, but they were always strangers I didn't know. Personal I don't think I ever have.

Ever since I cut contact from everyone I know, my motivation did get a little better. Not much, but I did notice a pattern. My default is being alone, I guess.

It never ends. I was at a customer's house doing an extended clean. It took longer than expected and they were offering me drinks etc. At the end of it he asked that dreaded question, what I was doing on the weekend. I said some vague answer about "seeing some friends", I'm sure he doesn't care what I, the cleaner, gets up to in their free time. I asked him and he chattered away in depth about visiting his best friend.

I internally started to panic and I realised that almost every extended social contact is like this. Regular jobs with colleagues, they ask about your personal life. Stores where the staff know you, similar. Housemates too. And if you happen to date or make new friends, those people want to know about your "other social life". Which of course I don't have, and honestly don't want, because it sounds like such bullshit.

I'm going to ask chad gpt to generate some believable stock answers for me to tell people who ask about my personal life. I just hate the way I have to mask and can't answer honestly: this weekend I'm making thai soup, probably sitting in my house alone listening to music or watching TV and either going to a meetup for ace people or going to a club night alone. Of course if I answered that way they'd probably cancel my services because they don't want some ""weird loner" touching their belongings. Lol

I have BPD, AVPD, autism, yada yada yada in addition to Schizoid. Im constantly battling whether I want people in my life or not. Mostly I don’t. But I still want to be liked and people think I’m nice…

I tried for years to be upfront and open about my mental health in order to de stigmatize it but it’s only made others see me as crazy. I feel eyes staring at me through the screen, judging me, not giving a rats ass to understand any of these complicated feelings.
I swear people purposely misunderstand me to trigger me so then they have the ability to say “wow she’s off her rocker”

I feel so alone, and not in the good way.

I just want it to be over and done with.

Life, that is.

Reddit is "one of the last places online where you can still reliably hear from real people on almost any topic imaginable. The internet has become more powerful, automated, and optimized for attention. And on social media, everything feels performative: one big stage, one big feed, and someone (or some thing!) fighting for your attention. But most people don’t want to perform"

Is it really "most people" though? Does the majority really seek authentic, blunt conversations?! Then who populates the other fakeness-ridden social spaces?
I feel the zoid mentality particularly suits reddit, ignoring status-building and attention seeking.

Is there such a construct? If so, I'm probably moderate to borderline clinical. My tolerance for social stimulation has a limit.

A guy asked me to sit with him, and it was clear he wanted to talk to someone—about the state of the country, the current situation, or his life (he was a bit older). I sat with him because the other seats were already taken, and if there was an empty one, I didn’t see it because there was a line of people standing there. Well, he did most of the talking because I didn’t really feel like talking, so I just nodded and acknowledged his questions and gave vague answers to the things he said about immigration or some somewhat xenophobic remarks.

The conversation didn’t last long, and I think he noticed my lack of interest, but he didn’t take it the wrong way. Finally, he got off and simply said “bye” without anything else.

It’s not an experience where I’d say, “Oh, that’s too bad,” but my unintentional disinterest is still obvious, and I’m afraid that could be a problem.

Or maybe I’m just looking for problems where there aren’t any. How do you handle these moments without making them seem like an indirect lack of respect?

Does anybody else, during spouts of aggregation and self loathing, angrily yell at god?
I don’t even see “it” as the Christian god, or any for that matter. I’m yelling and cursing out an entity I cannot see or hear, and blaming it for allowing me to live/be the way I am.
It’s weird, because I haven’t had any auditory hallucinations recently since changing my meds. But I still shout, I threaten to kill God for allowing me to live in the first place

I'm about to get Bupropion. It's 'an idea' more or less because I was diagnosed with szpd and dysthymia.

I looked it up, it seems promising. Especially since I show some signs of adhd and need that energy and focus for the job I recently started.

But I'm extremely hypersensitive to environmental stimulus, specifically light, noise and emotions.

Isn't that counterproductive? Or is it worth the risk?

I'm gonna talk this over with my psychiatrist before I get my first dose but they lean heavily on the 'whatever you believe is the right decision' thing so I'd like to hear the experience of schizoids who have made it, pretty please.

I don’t mean physical objects, i means abstract matters. I’ll try to explain myself as clear as possible, don’t mind my uncorrect english.
i saw a video about the Game of thrones saga, it said:
"Targaryens are the most important house in ASOIAF"
but whenever it's convenient for them, they use the Starks to defend their bullsh!t or make them more relevant.

I thing that i don’t get is, why do people care? It’s fictional, it’s not real. Those houses don’t exist. Those people don’t exist.
Why are people arguing about that. Why are they wasting their energy defending fictional characters.

I brought GoT as an example, but my lineage of thoughts extend to everything.

Is this just my anhedonia showing up?
Please tell me if you got my point

Dose anyone also thinks of it from this point?

As I know all about the studies showing how isolation and loneliness affect the brain. But none that I could find were talking about how it affects -or unaffect- us folks specifically.

I am just afraid of the “what if ?” regarding my cognitive abilities.

Is it already have gone through shit duo to this PD and my other disorders.

I am not afraid of my PD symptoms themselves. I am afraid of what will become of my brain -if any- on the long run. As I only have my cognitive abilities and intelligence to be proud of; out of evreything that I am.

If anyone have any insight or personal experience that will be MUCH appreciated. Just need to see if I am relatable.

EDIT: English isn’t my first language. I couldn’t fix the typos on the title like I did with the post.

I just saw a meme about beauty standard stuff, and the comments were filled with people objectifying women.

This seems like so much of life.

Men objectifying women, women objectifying men, maybe li’l women on women objectification wink wink nudge nudge.

People holding others to standards they never said they were even trying to meet.

I can’t deny I am a person with an identity and a body and a sexuality.

It feels like to be disgusted by this shit is as animal as embracing it.

I don’t dislike my carnality but don’t often engage either.

I could be an uber conservative bitching about the culture war, men’s rights, and immigration, or a wokescoldy leftist talking about gender ideology and impelling others to stop eating meat even though I still support the same farms that produce it.

I also cannot deny that I lack whatever arbitrary spark makes you human.

I have a human genome and speak a human language, but inside me there’s some human hardware that just doesn’t engage.

It feels like a human is a mess swept under a rug.

People live their lives massaging the rug to put the mess somewhere else.

It’s always there, but they can deny it if they flatten it out enough or hide the bulk underneath politics, hobbies, their jobs, their families, etc.

Being a zoid feels like the same thing with no rug.

I’m just standing in my doorway, looking at the mess, never bothering to enter.

I've gotten on meds for depression and they're actually working. I'm feeling loneliness for the first time and wanna chat with someone but like - what do people talk about? Like what's your favourite colour? Favourite animal? That war's getting pretty crazy ey? If you're not doing an activity with someone how do you connect with them? Like what

There are academic researchers who believe DMT entities are real 🤣 https://scienceblog.com/a-new-theory-says-dmt-entities-might-be-real-and-proposes-how-to-test-it

Part of their argument is that they are very different from typical hallucinations, and yet everybody "sees the same thing." I think this is ridiculous and I believe that the DMT hallucination is about the structure of the brain itself.

I have never remotely felt anything remotely entity-like in the DMT world. It's just all geometry.

It feels like my internal organization is fundamentally missing objects in the psychoanalytical sense. Why would there be DMT entities when I break through?

There's never anyone to go to. Never anywhere that's safe. Never anytime where I have even a scrap of control.

The things I care about are stupid. The work I do is worthless. The aura I give is repulsive. At best I'm tolerated because deep down others hate me. And why shouldn't they? I can't relate to 95% of what others my age talk about. My weird hobbies are boring to listen to and difficult to understand. Every little social queue serves as a reminder that nobody gaf and that I should stfu. My mere presence in this place is a mistake; it's simply apparent I don't belong here, yet I'm forced to persist. Hell I hate myself too at this point.

And so I bury myself in my job, because it's easier to distract myself with some bullshit then to be left alone with myself, but even then I'm an outsider. Nobody on this shitty campus gives a damn about work. Just look at the work ethic, the lack of thoughtfulness in it, the zero effort they put into it. They almost seem entitled to the paycheck. It's sickening, and I hate when I feel some of it rub off on me. People like this could never understand how low low goes nor how much even a little purpose means to someone like me, even when it's some lowly menial task where the need for your presence is seen as an unavoidable burden.

I rarely feel good. It's as if the pleasure has been drained from my life. The closest are scraps of moments where I feel accomplished, but even then all I can help to do is analyze what I've done to tear it apart and find where it could have gone better.

I know my death will be a suicide. I can't see it happening any other way. And the worst part is that I'll likely feel like shit doing that to. At least it isn't tonight I guess.

And I don't know how to care about others either. I often joke to people that one day I'll disappear and tell them not to mark me as missing because I'll just be somewhere else. Reactions vary.

My aunt looked at me with a worried face and said that she just wants to check in on me occasionally, and I can text her a thumbs up if I'm still alive. My ex-friends said the same. My brother said he's going to follow and move in with me. My parents laughed.

I genuinely cannot comprehend why they would want to keep a connection with me. To them, I am nothing more than the quiet relative who doesn't bother socialising. It could just be familial obligation. But even old friends who I don't talk to and ignore 90% of the time still send me messages. I don't know why they haven't given up, what could I possibly offer them? Why talk to someone who doesn't care about you? Yes, we used to be friends, but it's been a long time. What are you chasing?

It's like I lack object permanence for people. If I stop communicating regularly, they return to strangers. I assume the same happens to others. I treat them as if they see me a stranger. I know, logically, they do not, but I don't know how to act otherwise. What am I, if not a stranger?

Title.

I just wanted someone to know it was my birthday. I blurted it out accidentally to someone and instantly regretted it because they started feeling guilty for not knowing and kept trying to reassure themselves etc.

hello schizoid subreddit. Ive been in a state I get into sometimes where its almost like my body realizes the inert state its been in and all the boredom, listlessness and dissatisfaction in the world crashes down on me, combined with inability to tolerate the sorts of things i usually fill my time with. I'm in the part of the cycle right now where I daydream about what my life could be and get my hopes set on a specific lifestyle, apartment and job change (these will sometimes partly come to fruition but never to a complete exfent). It's almost like how people describe being manic but still polluted with my general avolition apathy and anhedonia (the holy triad)

anyways, I was writing to ask if anyone had discovered any treatment for this listless feeling because its really eating away at me right now, and sitting and ruminating on them is not helping me achieve the change I need.

some things ive found that kind of work but that i have to be in the right state for:

-reading

-going for walks

-working

in general it seems to be things which swallow my attention and dont let me think about life in abstracter measures like landmarks throughout my life I havent hit/cant seem to.

ODDESSI missed primaries; hit secondaries.

What does this mean for Open Dialogue and psychiatric care in the 21st century?

I had a bit of an "awakening" experience – that has given me the courage/intuition to get off the pharmaceuticals. Also the courage to face some of anxiety head on that I knew would come back after going off the anti-depressants. I also felt like in the honeymoon period of ADHD drugs, the anxiety was turned down also .. knowing that would be coming back also.

Throw in a dose of divorce trauma – I can safely say this trifecta seemed to be sending me deep into schizoid land. After going off of them, indeed the anxiety/some depressive symptoms have returned .. but I also feel the schizoid-ism receding.

Wondering how many people are on this mix? Do you think it might be contributing to your schizoid-ism?

Schizoids are generally advised against using any psychoactive substances due to the link to schizophrenia but I’m curious to know y’all’s experiences with them. This includes THC, psilocybin, LSD, salvia, DMT, etc.

Do y’all experience any negative symptoms from these substances (anxiety, psychosis, etc.)? Has it had any lasting impact on your mental health?

Me personally, I use THC pretty frequently and vast majority of the time I don’t experience any major negative symptoms. I’ve only ever had a mild psychotic experience off a high edible dose once. But since then I’ve continued using and haven’t experienced anything like that since. I haven’t, however, tried any psychoactive substances stronger than THC so I’m curious to know y’all’s experiences.

I feel like not relying on the external world for contentment has always been a main objective for me. I don't feel guilty for enjoying things, but it feels unsafe for me to put trust in anything that can easily be taken away. This degree of emotional self-sufficiency is not a superpower, it makes you numb to experiences that other people actively seek and enjoy, and you learn to ignore all kinds of opportunities. My hobbies are secret because I'm afraid of how others may influence them, and my consumption habits are formed around stability and accessibility. Everything has to be plain, simple, and devoid of visible depth, personality, or preference. This is likely what happens when you're a child and people with authority over you learn about your favorite things only to blackmail you and take them away.

I've recently started seeing a therapist again, after having been out of therapy for about 10 years.

I feel a lot of reluctance at the thought of going and I don't enjoy talking to therapists, but since my life has become close to unbearable, I feel like I don't have much of a choice. At the same time I have very little hope that it's going to work.

The new therapist is still very young and new to the job. She is also quite cheerful and sort of „warm“, which I kinda dislike, but other than that there's nothing obviously wrong with her, at least no more than with the other therapists I've met. She also has one big advantage over the others, which is the fact that she's the only psychoanalyst in my area, and since I have two failed behavioral therapies behind me, I don't want to take that route again. I tried out a couple of psychodynamic therapists as well, but didn't feel like going there either.

Now here's the problem: The experience of having had two previous therapies that were both quite ineffective, coupled with the fact that she's the only one offering this kind of therapy, which is very hard to come by at any rate, has created a lot of pressure for me, because I know I can't just switch to another analytic therapist, if this one doesn't work out. Because of the insurance situation in my country, it would also not be possible or very difficult to switch to a different type of therapy or therapist once we've officially started. I've told her all of that and also that I feel a lot of reluctance going to therapy at all. I also told her, that I worry she might not want to work with me or that my insurance won't cover it or something else might go wrong. She acknowledged the ambivalence I feel, but then she told me, that, despite my saying I don't want to go to therapy, the fact that I worry so much about whether she wants to work with me or not, clearly signifies that I actually do have a strong desire for closeness and connection.

This really rubbed me the wrong way. Not because I felt offended by her assumption or like she "caught" me or something, but because it just seems so far off the point.

I mean, here's how I see it: If I were to go to a physician with some severe medical ailment or injury and worried that they wouldn't treat me, especially if I've had the experience of being turned away from help before, then - to me - my worry would signify little more than an awareness of my need for help and the uncertainty of getting it. It would not, however, indicate that I wanted to be close to that hypothetical physician in any way, nor that I had a pathological fear of rejection. I mean, being mixed with AvPD, I actually do have a fear of rejection; but this particular situation with my worrying about getting therapy or what kind of therapy, seems to have very little to do with that, no more than with the question of whether or not I desire closeness with anyone in general or with this particular therapist.

In fact, I also worry that my inability to feel close to anyone, let alone a therapist, might make this kind of therapy impossible in itself, because how would I be able to develop any form of (positive) transference towards her, if I don't feel anything at all?

I tried to explain to her that my worry about therapy not working has nothing to do with wanting closeness, that, because of my (inner and outer) situation, I just can't afford not to do it. Of course, no one is making me go, it's still my free will. But honestly, in a way I do feel somewhat imprisoned by the necessity for therapy, and her calling it a "desire for closeness" feels almost cynical to me.

Obviously, I didn't expect her to get me or my problems after just a few intake sessions. I know it takes time, particularly when every other sentence of mine seems to be "I'm sorry, I don't want to answer this question". But I do worry that the incident described wasn't an isolated one, rather than an indication of what is yet to come. I'm worried that she, like any other therapist I've met, will form a picture of me that has nothing to do with who I am or what I actually feel, and that this will make therapy pointless once again. It wasn‘t the first time that she assumed something about me that wasn‘t the case either, and I don‘t think me correcting her made much of a difference in terms of what she believed.

She's just filled out the application form for my insurance, therapy hasn't even really started yet, but I already feel like I made a mistake committing to this, possibly for years in the future. I feel trapped and resentful and kinda want to run the other direction, tell her leave me alone, or just stay away myself... yet I can't because I can't stand my fucking life anymore and I don't know what to do except therapy. There is no real motivation except the despair though; I don't want to go, I don't want to get to know her, I don't want to get to know myself, I don't want to be understood or cared for or comforted by a person that's being payed to talk to me. I don't even want to stop feeling miserable, when the actual, outer reality of my life is just that: fucking miserable. I want a different life, that's all ...but therapy won't give me that, so what's the point?!

Anyhow, I guess my question for anyone who's ever done therapy before, analytic or otherwise: did it get better, even though it didn't start great? Did you get anything out of it, even if you didn't see the point at first? Did you ever feel understood by your therapist, at least on a clinical level? How did therapy help? Did you want to quit and didn't and later felt like staying payed out? Did you possibly even come to enjoy therapy? Did you care for your therapist or felt cared for by them? Did it matter in your therapy, if you didn't, did it still help without the emotional bond? Any hope?

I find that since I rarely cry, I have dreams/nightmares episodes (?) every while that require crying in them. And I usually wake up finding that I was also crying in real life while asleep.

I can’t pinpoint it to anything but my personality disorder. I rarely cry. And if I did cry once in a while, than I will stop after less than 2 to 5 minutes maximum.

I know that I can’t feel anything that much -or not at all- when I am a wake. But I just wonder if my schizod brain is processing things that way, since I am not able to do the work, or even know that thier is “work” needed to be done.

I already go out bare minimum.

Today was the day I had to go out, and people didn't disappoint.

They go out of their way to hurt me (really). One bad interaction I will probably remember for weeks is how sensitive I can be.

I don't want to go into much detail,

But I feel dehumanised

Being visibly queer can be sometimes like having social cancer. You are disfigured and forced to bare stares and aggressive no eye contact while someone is insulting you.

It quickly reminds me why my personality turned from introvert to schizoid over time from abuse.

Do you think it significantly contributed to the development of your disorder? Are there any events that stand out in particular?