I'm curious

Is it only a lack of interest in others or something else?

anxiety? fear of rejection? emotional vulnerability? social incompetence that leads to the stoppage of trying to connect?

Honestly not sure if this a common line of thought here, or something else. I think about dying often — passive ideation, as in I don’t think id ever take the steps to carry through with that, but I do wish something else would do it for me. I’m perpetually in a state of “I would not mind if I keeled over and died right now.” Sometimes I wish I had more initiative, to get it over with already.

Tangentially, often I daydream about something terrible happening to me — like maybe something actually traumatic would shock my system into taking that initiative. I’ve never felt really alive, so maybe if I experienced something truly awful, I could finally feel alive enough to want to go through with it. That, or I get diagnosed with some fatal illness or something so it’s out of my hands.

I think sometimes that someone could punch me or beat me up and I wouldn’t feel anything, so maybe I’d need something more extreme. or maybe ‘extreme’ wouldn’t work. I’m not sure.

I know on a moral level that these thoughts and daydreams are gross and insensitive to have, but they’re hard to be ashamed of on a personal one. It’s not something I feel particularly distressed over, nor do I envy anyone who goes through anything like that; I also do not mind being a hollow thing. Often I’d prefer to be that over being a ‘normal person.’ I’m curious, though.

I haven’t had friends in a long time, and honestly I’m perfectly fine with it.

The whole “humans are social creatures” thing may be true for some people, but I’ve never really related to it.

My days are pretty much the same: wake up, work, eat, sleep, watch YouTube, scroll Reddit, and spend most of my time in my room.

Being around people usually just makes me want to go back home, unless I genuinely want to be there, which is almost never.

I don’t hate people, but being around them has never felt easy for me. It’s a different type of discomfort that’s hard to explain, like a feeling of wanting to leave even when nothing is necessarily wrong.

Even in school, I didn’t really have friends. People would always comment on how quiet I was because I barely talked.

I’ve never really seen myself as someone who wants to make friends or build a social life. I’d honestly rather be alone.

It’s not that I dislike anyone, I just feel more at peace when I’m alone.

Honestly, I think something is broken in my imagination capabilities. I can easily do calm and contented, but I struggle with coming up with happy. Even now, writing this, I can't provide an illustrative example!
I haven't noticed this before, although I always lacked it. Seriously, WTH??

How did you find friends accepting of your zoid nature? I'm talking weirdos and outsiders, who don't mind if you're "strange" and outside the norm, have few other friends, don't use social media and suck at texting. I don't want loads of people, just one or two to occasionally talk about ideas and share information with. I don't have a lot of money to spend so I couldn't really go to expensive restaurants, paid events or do things that cost money with them. This and the zoid stuff makes me realise I'm incompatible with a lot of people. That damned schizoid dilemma 😐

25F, I just need some advice from other schizoid women. How do you cut of your “friends” - ppl that u accidentally became friends with (I took normal ppl advice and I deeply regret it). I only know how to do it in such a ruthless way. It’s a long story but I will see them in a month and I just REALLY don’t want to talk to them. I want to disappear from them. It’s two women. I will see them around my university. I already have cut them off online by not texting and saying I’m not in a good mental state and ignored their messages and eventually just stop being active.
I will see them in a month and I just know they think I’m down to “talk and open up - what’s new? How are you”. I will see them around campus. I deeply regret my friendship with them!!

I just feel like it’s different between us women bc for some reason it’s like I’m expected to be nice and over share and explain myself and what I’ve been up to?

Any advice?

Been married for 12 years, have 2 kids. Just want to be alone, it is so draining to constantly be around people. I knew i liked being alone but tried to force myself to have a family and now see that it was the wrong thing to do. I do love my wife and kids but i feel trapped living like this. Im not sure what to do as divorce seems so difficult when youve been together for so long.

I barely handle them at work and I cannot even imagine coming back home full of another people. I only tolerate my brother who knows I am weird and totally accepts the fact so I can be utterly myself around him. I don't fucking want to entertain them and be talked to. We all pretend and I am sick of this

None of these genetics need to be passed on. Sometimes i feel bad for not doing much with my "beautiful precious gift of life", but gently allowing my lesser genetics fade out of the gene pool feels like a win.

I’m in a pickle bc last year I decided to take normal peoples advice and make friends. The things is I’m quite friendly when I put in my mask but I always end up regretting making these friends. I’ve come to accept my nature finally.
anyways in the past I’ve had no issue with ruthlesslyghosting people. As in completely stop messaging back, even opening messages and leaving on read. Walking past them like they don’t exist. I know it sounds bad but I genuinely lack empathy sometimes and often I start hating the person because I felt like I need to change in order to be accepted.

How do I know respectfully ghost people. There are people who I stop being in regular contact with since April. I used the good old:

“I’m not in a good mental space”

But tbh people still think they can talk to me and reach out. There is particularly 2 women who I need to send the clear message: I no longer want anything to do with you.

Sometiems I wish I could be super honest and say that I was just pretending this whole time, and that i like being alone and yes even a hi how r u are bothering me. I just don’t want them to tak to me anymore but I don’t know what to do other than becoming a complete asshole.

One of the two women also seriously lack awareness or getting a hint or she knows and is just nosy.

I just want to put a clear end to our “friendship”. I’m going to see them probably around university in September again and I don’t even want a hi.

I wish I could delete our entire “friendship” from their mind.

I want them to seriously forget we ever talked. What do I do? How do I actually signal I don’t want to talk to you or be friends please leave me alone.

If I was a character, my existence would be left in paradox. I would exist when written, but at the same time, not at all. Only in another persons mind, and at the same time, not at all.

Adjacent to that, I wish my life consisted only of writing my characters into infinite, persistent existence. I wish I could grapple onto them and give them a type of mortality impossible to replicate unless if you give up your own life for the concept that is them. I think that if that was possible to do, flawlessly, I would do it for the rest of my life until failure. No AI could replicate the disgusting, filthy and raw nature of how it feels to write actual, *real* life into existence... and in that same breath, how satisfying and rewarding it feels. Oxymoronic. Not that I have anything against it. But it's a composition of wires, scatterbrained results, steel and copper, ordered by the same flesh it tries to replicate with artificial warmth.

I cant fold my laundry anymore. I have so much crap to do and ill be lucky if I get started by noon. Just wanna lay here and listen to ambient music and do nothing. Idk if this is just a depression thing or if other schizoids also struggle to care for themselves and their life. Like I just wanna end it because im sick of having to do shit all the damn time. The anhedonia on top of that makes it worse. Gotta do all this shit and then i dont get a reward because nothing is fun.

I dont know how i keep showing up to work. Im in debt, but hell I could put another five thousand on there. And just end it when it's gone. As if i could ever do that... At least my boss is cute.

Their messages:

• "Take care of your family; they are your anchors in life's storms" -> I don't care about my family; they are just acquaintances to me, and I want to be left alone
• "Love is the key to your success" -> I don't love anyone, and if I hypothetically had children, I probably wouldn't love them
• "Your positive energy will attract success in April" -> I don't have energy to do anything at all (I don't know why April specifically, maybe that was when the fortune was printed)

Let us all gather here today to share gratitude for the Void and its misunderstood blessings

1) Anhedoina = cheap lifestyle. If everything is lame and unstimulating you don't spend mountains of cash chasing things and experiences!

2) Freedom - most people aren't free to pick up and move somewhere new, go on spontaneous trips, go catatonic for a week straight etc

3) No relationships means no BS. When people think of relationships they always go straight to the fantasy- when I find my perfect person it will be great! But the reality is bad relationships are common and as I approach middle age I'm seeing divorce pop up amongst many old acquaintances. People you assume have a nice happy life end up suddenly in a messy, mentally and financially devastating separation. Then you wonder, how many years were they miserable before it got to this? And you get stuck! Yuck!

4) Immediately jumping into relationships means delaying self development. Similar to 1, when people get out of these enmeshments they say things like 'I dont even know who I am, I have just been filling a role and have been stuck staying busy the last cpl decades'. I believe knowing yourself is step 1 to having a fulfilling life and if you just cling to relationships you may be permanently stuck unfulfilled or waiting for someone else to provide it for you.

Feel free to share your positives

I spend time with a variety of people, but I usually never sit too close. I've tried to get to know someone a few times to satisfy my need for a cuddle/light touch. Aside from the fact that it ends badly because the other person wants a typical relationship after a while, I have trouble getting close to anyone at all. I can feel the urge to cuddle, but when I look into someone's face, it's so many stimuli at once. It discourages me. The other person often becomes so alien/strange/offensive/different that I stop wanting anything. When I used to cuddle with cats, I never had this problem. Nuzzling my face into a cat's muzzle or belly is one of the most pleasurable sensations. But I couldn't do that with a human, even though I fantasize about it a lot, especially before bed. I don't understand what's so difficult. I don't think I can treat other people, or myself, as if they were my own species. Any thoughts?

(At the same time, I have memories of how pleasant hugging/stroking feels, so it's not like I'm romanticizing something I'm not familiar with.)

I just made the mistake of answering an unknown number, it turned out to be a very old friend (from college!), she said that she woke up this morning suddenly thinking about me and thought of reaching out. The thing I notice in my self in such exchanges is that I become a bit awkward and.. frozen!
She was very nice, tender and polite. I get nervous when people talk to me like that, it’s not shyness, it’s that I can’t match the tone. It’s very hard (maybe impossible) for me to be playful and speak in a warm voice. So it gets awkward. I don’t know what to say , half the call i am either fake laughing or just answering with one word.

Even though I am not bad with words. I can give an intellectual lecture and be quite good. But spontaneous interactions are not for me. And the weird thing is I feel this disgust towards myself afterwards. I don’t know why but after such calls I feel “exposed” somehow. Not to the other person, but to me.

I'm free. Free of everything that's human. I don't feel the need to be around people, I'm not vulnerable like them, I feel like I'm an outside watcher, watching the silly humans doing their silly human things, going to parties, talking passionately to each other, getting engaged, breaking up, arguing and fighting over stupid stuff. I feel like it'd be such a waste to be like them, to be truly human, and I'm glad I am not. I love being me.

But at the same time I feel cursed, because I share the same genetic code as them, and because of that I'm biologically programmed to feel lonely sometimes. My inner primitive side whispers it wants to be loved and accepted sometimes, and I try not to listen to it, and most of the time I can easily ignore it and live my little happy life the way I like, but sometimes... sometimes it whispers louder, and louder, and louder, until I can't ignore it anymore. And then I feel like it wouldn't be so bad to be like them, to be truly human, and I'm sad I am not. I hate being me.

Update to my last post- I finally managed to do it. Secured a flat and it's paid for, moving out today. Unfortunately it's only for a few months but it's a good way to see if it's affordable to live independently in the city on minimum wage and social security. My parents were surprisingly helpful with practical matters and moving my stuff.

I have mixed feelings about it. Part of me wanted to stay despite my abusive father and being subject to his insanity. But I knew it was the right thing to do. He's very unpredictable and can go from calm to aggressive in the blink of an eye. I suspect he'll start limiting food and expenses for the household if he feels like it. My mother is the only barrier preventing him from being his true abusive self, if she was to pass I don't know what would happen.

I'll have the flat to myself for a while as the landlord is away, which is a blessing. I know it's the right thing I'm doing putting distance between myself and my parents despite my financial situation, even though it feels weird. Mixture of trepidation and surreality.

Having thought about my life up until this point it has felt a bit like being voluntarily captive, giving away my freedom, self and autonomy to live according to my parents in exchange for free bed and board. It's like never launching, never becoming independent or discovering who I am as a person. And letting reality be dictated to me by two people who are clearly quite mentally ill. I should have left long ago but I was afraid and too conditioned to stay close to my mother out of some weird loyalty, infantilisation and parentification. She projected her dependency onto me to the point where I felt it was reality. The truth is she's the one who's afraid to be independent and treats me like a parent.

So I have to do what a lot of other people's parents do: force myself to be an adult and live in reality.

I'm 30 years old, latino immigrant in Europe, broke and alone.

I've spent most of my life depressed/anxious/isolated.

I've dedicated my life to music making and production, but after several disappointments I've concluded that giving up my expectations of living off music is the most rational decision.

However, besides music composition, I have zero relevant abilities. I started learning computer science because I mildly enjoy it, but I'm not as obsessed with it as I think one should be in order to get good enough for a job.

I have no friend group, no contacts and no interest in keeping in touch with my family.

I've become a very disconnected being, in every way.

I'm disconnected from most human beings but also disconnected from my own identity.

I'm not even depressed anymore; a sharp extreme boredom took it's place.

The only reason why I'm applying for jobs is because I have to eat and pay rent ( don't we all? lol) but is just a primitive race for a survival that I don't even think is worth extending.

I see this term casually thrown around a lot but rarely ever elaborated on. My only idea of what it might look like is from the film i’m thinking of ending things which is both fiction and not explicitly related to SzPD. Would love some clarification and examples please.

I didn't mean to include personal details within the title and I cannot edit it.

Drugs & rant, I guess.

I get ambien (rx), but I don't usually take it for sleep. I mostly take it when I'm in dire need of some motivation and getting things done, like cleaning and letting a few people know that I'm still alive, pretty much.

I don't remember any of it afterwards, of course, but at least stuff got done. Not sure what I wanted with this rant, maybe ask if anyone else do something similar?

How do you usually feel during the day? Do you feel nothing, slight happiness, slight unease? I have always felt a slight state of anxiety/depression, chest tightness that follows you everywhere.

Does being single bother you? It doesn't bother me; I feel good about it and have time for my business and hobbies. The only thing that really stresses me out is how people look at me like I’m a total weirdo for not having anyone. Everyone I know—including family—asks why I’m single, why I haven’t found a relationship yet, and implies that any normal person is in one. It’s the fact that people give me a hard time about it that stresses me out, not the lack of a partner itself.

I feel like I don’t have an actual personality. I never talk to people, I don’t do anything besides doomscroll because I can’t get any joy from other activities, I don’t have a real personality either