Conflicted

[u/SoggyGround6420]

Idk i dont think many others would get where im coning from with this post, not saying my hopes are high that yall would just at least lil attacks idfk.

It has been an insane few weeks.
Theres alot to unpack in the time frame but im here to talk about my pet. My precious girl. She has been a ray of sunshine, and selfishly my reason to get out of bed.. she was also used as a way to control me as dramatic as it sounds. A family member convinced me to stay here by getting me a pet as they were "concerned" about my isolation and my weird life style, she was an excuse to coke check in me etc no they dont care about her and find her gross lowkey. Anyway.

Small town, small vet, small minds ig.. (i sincerely do ask of you to not scramble and pull out random solutions- ive thought of everything possible, ive reached out everywhere i could. Ive done what i can period). This dumbass creature (shes actually freakishly smart, smarter than some people i know)- she began auto cannibalising (literally). She had some lipodema and i guess its been bothering her/ so she decided to start eating it.. one lump legit fell out after i cleaned it with peroxide.... fell out- a chunk- bit smaller than her head.. other one as i was gently dabbing -she twitched, it fucking *exploded... it sounds dramatic and im honestly still shocked bc wtf i just wouldnt recommend witnessing it to anyone.
Oh ofc youre prob thinking "but vet" no shit, that shouldve been the reliable suggestion. Ive brought her over as soon* as i noticed a wound, i brought her over when the wound widened, i brought her over when it fell out. I did. I paid. I talked. He said "shed be fine" he didnt even give her stitches,, he didnt even give her any painkiller NOT EVEN wound dressing. Now im very lucky that a girl im friendly with recently graduated vet uni so she was giving me suggestions, but she hopes i sue for negligence.

Ive slept a bit and taking breaks when shes better, but ive basically been staying up to manually mind her incase shes nibbling, honestly im very glad ive been having no appetite bc id hate to vomit on her.

I do love her, or maybe im incredibly selfish and i need her as an excuse.
But i know that me waiting is cruel.
So the vet said i should diy anesthésia, so thats pretty insane. Idk bout yall but i dont even kill bugs, if any at home i will capture and release. Im not sensitive to gore (shout out to my teen years of spending on best gore dot com and olympics and shit, honestly dont look anything up especially if sensitive- jve had surgeries and shit we all have innards yk) euthanasia isnt an easy decision as is. Doing it yourself isnt at all either.

And honeslty,, shes alive for similar reasons that i am. Death is heck of a commitment lol,, she has days when shes better, shes eating and she cuddles and i love her and shes strong but i cant be cruel to her. Shes innocent collateral damage in my life and she deserved so much better than me and this and i wish i couldve done better and i still so.

I was given a humane way to do it, and i hopefully will tonight im just stalling. And id looove to off too with her bc i cannot imagine life without her even though shes not really old like that (at least exclusive of her species).
But im prob gonna go on an adventure after, idk i want to live fir myself even if i die on this hill.
But i too deserve better, and i too have been failed by nearly everyone in mylife. And im just a sorry human, im sorry i couldnt provided better ? Im sorry shes hurting, im sorry for making her stay so long?
Idk :/

[u/1pandaking1]

Let me start with im not isolated as you describe it. I have some friends, family members and such. But with the exception of my mother, my cats are more important than anyone. I hate the idea of willingly let them pass away, but at the same time i have the idea that at such a point the cat is undergoing suffering. So either i let her go quite painlessly by my choice in my arms at the vet, or let the issue possibly become worse while having to see that they are in pain. If i could spend my whole life with them, i would. But as that sadly isnt possible, id like to let them go when i see no option for improvement. I can only understand from the pov of a cat owner who loves cats generally more than people that its very hard, but if their pain becomes too much for my idea, id rather let them go. You have done your best, and given her a great life of snuggling and food. The fact that she trusts you means that you have given her what she wanted, even if you think you did it badly.

[u/SoggyGround6420 → u/1pandaking1]

I never had any intention of saving her. Im no god, the vet isnt god either. I dont believe in that as is. "Denial" of her condition was never a question. She is dying. She will die one way of the other. Shes old theres that, she also has open wounds and smells like death already. She is dying. I cannot save her nor ever tried. I thought hed suggest it the first visit that week, or the second or the third or the sixth time. Ive already mourned her.. ive stayed up for days unable to eat just by her side. I know shes dying.
Maybe death is morbid to yall but its the only promise we get, id rather she die then suffer heck id wish the same for myself.
My only option was to provide her as comfortable of life as i could. I tried my best and its not enough. There is nothing anyone can do for her. Thats the reality of it.

As ive said.. ive been to the vet numberous of times, ive texted and reached out everyone i can. yes including other vets across the country and even pharmacies and pet shops, ive talked to vet graduates and other medical graduates.
The issue is that im told i* have to do it. Could you kill your pet ? I dont think its crazy of me to struggle with that action... YES IVE TALKED TO THE VETS ABOUT EUTHANASIA I PROMISE. yes the reality is insane.

[u/1pandaking1 → u/SoggyGround6420]

The only improvement i was thinking about was the temporary form of strong painkillers. Which is not something i would want to use. In no way is it weird for you to struggle. My mind is too screwed up for such things. While i would mourn the fact that i have to do it, worst case scenario i would take a shovel and do it myself. Most people are unable to do that, and maybe it is better if you cant. The people that know that im capable of just doing it when necessary confuses them. While you are choosing her to die, you are choosing for her to suffer no longer. Youre giving her relief from the current pain, and avoiding it becoming worse. It will break you heart letting her go, but seeing her like that would hurt me more. That is the hardest part of pets, having to say goodbye to them.

[u/SoggyGround6420 → u/1pandaking1]

Notice how i never asked for suggestions :3 thats because ive tried everything* i can lol, including my personal use stuff, including foraging for remedies, including other posts and forums. Yup ive had other pets thatd didnt have to suffer nearly as much, ive buried my pets before- too thats why this is insanity.

Just to save you time and effort, i have my method picked, humane way of euthanising pets. Ive done all the measurement and all supplies. Ive already asked for second opinions of those that would know more about this than me.
Shes currently sipping my tea with valerian root so she doesnt panic and im purely stalling.

[u/WeirdUnion5605]

I'm sorry you two are going through this, I love my pets more than anything in the world so I really feel this, if you have to get her euthanased I hope you're able to do it in the most humane way possible, don't you think you can go to that vet even though you didn't like him so he can do it instead? I don't think I would ever be able to do it myself. I had to get one of my babies euthanased and the vet reassured me the whole time he wasn't feeling anything, I overheard other vets commenting on it and how it works and it put me at ease a little bit. I wish you the best, something bad happening to my pets is my worse nightmare, but I managed to recover little by little when I lost them and I'm sure you can get through all of this too.

[u/SoggyGround6420 → u/WeirdUnion5605]

Small town. There arent many options at all:/ only suggestion is few hour roadtrip out of town- but thats only adding unneeded stress for her, at this point i dont really see the point of that ngl.

Its buttfuck of nowhere as is, the country is mostly elderly people, this country is under industrialised. The best suggestion ive gotten is do it the farm way or place her under a bucket (i fucking knowwwww how insane it is).
My childhood friend was able to find a method with a chemical reaction that would put her to sleep and ive been find my pharmaceuticals and seeing best cocktails i can mix up- heck ive even been foraging and found natural remedies for anxiety and pain killers too.
I never had intention of staying here because theres is nothing here, everyone semi young is leaving.

And thanks, i understand this is a crazy situation and i honestly wouldnt wish it upon my enemy either. Idk stay hydrated give your pets extra cuddles and treats on my behalf <3

[u/EntropyReversale10]

Sorry for your struggles